The Jaded Viewer Returns!

 
Wow that was one hell of a hiatus. Have I not really blogged since Nov 8th 2013?? Jeezus. And no explanation of my disappearance. WTF me! Well if you've just abandoned all ye hope, I don't blame you. It is what is is.

Well I don't know what to tell you. I just needed a break and honestly I was lacking in viewing any horror of late. I watched a few Marvel movies and a few comedies, I really don't know what happened. It probably has to do with a busted computer infected with all sorts of digital Ebola and my lack of access to film screeners. But these are lame excuses I know.

However with Halloween fast approaching, I think I need to get back into the horror state of mind. That means hopefully reviews of NYC haunted houses and the season crop of horror movies.

And maybe a walkthrough of an infamous haunted house that I've been promising for like fuckin forever.

Let me start off by giving you what I thought was the best in 2013.

V/H/S 2, Maniac, Evil Dead, The Battery and the best horror flick I saw last year was You're Next.

I think what's rejuvenated me are two flicks I'm super psyched for.

Kevin Smith's Tusk and Adam Wingard The Guest.

God I hope they are fuckin awesome.

Sorry for the unannounced hiatus and I hope you'll come back and read up on my random horror musings. One final thing. I want to end this blog on a good note so I'm officially letting it be known this is the final season of the jaded viewer.

I'm not sure what the exact end date is but this time, I'll let you know. No idea why I put up that Superman 2 ending. It was floating in my head when I decided to reboot.

Sorry I've been away to long. I won't let you down again,

'Murica!

Categories: blackout haunted house, halloween, haunted house, superman, the jaded viewer, tusk

The Underground History of Stealing Cable/Movies

Back before the world of torrents and megaupload, an industry thrived on getting the most bang for your buck when it came to maximixing your cable and movie viewing. I may be dating myself, but I lived in a time when there were only 7 fuckin channels (CBS, NBC, Fox, ABC, your local channels and PBS). When cable came along it was a warped up version of TV. But still we had to figure out ways to buck the system because...who the fuck wants to pay extra right?

So I'm going to take you on a journey of how life was fuckin hard back in the day....when it came to getting free premium channels and well you know porn. Some of you may have done the same. It's a bit of nostalgia for all of us then so let's reminisce shall we?

1.) Stealing HBO (circa the 80s)

Even before Time Warner and Cablevision cornered the market, there was a way to get HBO for free before the world of Cable TV. You just had to have an antenna and box. HBO back in the day broadcasted via signal and so to get the Tyson fights you had to use an antenna stick that could be pointed in a certain direction and get the signal. It came with an old radio box to fine tune the signal. As a kid I would have to go on the roof to fine tune the signal. My dad really wanted to watch Tyson knock out somebody.

2.) The Black Box (the 80s and 90s)

If you're old enough, you remember the black box. The black box was a cable box (all different makes and models) that was reset to allow the box the accept all signals (including premium channels, PPVs and especially porn). It had other names such as cable descrambler but in essence it was set to be in test mode so all channels were accessable. The story usually went a friend of a friend who worked at the cable company could get you one for $100-$150. The drawback was the cable company could "zap" your box and reset it rendering it useless. It was risky proposition but if it remained viable, you'd get your moneys worth. One of your friends had one and stealing cable seemed like no big deal. Of course you could always have the cable guy activate your box for a fee.

3.)  DirecTV and H cards (circa the 90s)

The Internet was just in its infancy and the signal pirates were stealing serious loot. Thanks to DirecTV. All you needed was to purchase a satellite dish, a satellite receiver and a hacked H card. The dish and receiver were legit. The H card was the tricky part. eBay was a haven for purchasing hacked H cards. The card controlled what you were allowed to see. It was an actual card you inserted into your receiver and if you could manipulate it, you had all the channels. This all ended when the dish companies got smart and started zapping the illegal cards. Fun times ended by corporate greedy bastards.

4.) Napster and Limewire (circa the 00s)

I won't rehash Napster lore but Limewire was one of many P2P bit torrent programs to get the same content we wanted from the 80s. Everybody remembers their first download and the classic clips. I mean where did you watch the night vision Paris Hilton sex tape?

5.) The Torrent (present day)

Shhhh. It's still around despite what people say. I mean how you gonna watch Game of Thrones right?

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So I hope that history lesson helped you understand that no matter how hard the television and movie industry try, the underground will find a way to get around it. People are willing to pay for the shows and movies they watch, be it we get what we paid for. Technology will always have loopholes. And where there are loopholes, the pirates will be.

All we want is to watch is some motherfuckin Game of motherfuckin Thrones. Why make it so hard?

Categories: directv, the black box, the jaded viewer, torrents

Happy Thanksgiving from The Jaded Viewer

Happy Turkey Day! I'd like to take today to thank all the new jaded viewers who've been following this blog the JV Facebook page and via Twitter. Reading your comments, e-mails, messages and interacting with people who have the same passion about horror and the oddball palette of stuff I like has been fun the last year or so.

I'll continue to keep writing about things I think you'll enjoy and review the horror movies that don't get the buzz they deserve. New jaded viewers will like to know my Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough is now live so be sure to check it out. I'll also have another walkthrough up next week via some different perspectives.

Also here is a letter I wrote for you poor souls waiting on line on Black Friday. Now remember kids, as you eat turkey and pie that there is always an other side of the story. Wednesday Addams says it best.

Categories: happy holidays, happy thanksgiving, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

EXCLUSIVE: FEARnet has a new reality show The Fear Club and I'm in it!!!

I've been giddy for a week now as I've wanted to share with you my big news. As you all know FEARnet is about to premiere Holliston, their new scripted original series starring Adam Green and Joe Lynch. But what you don't know is they are about to announce a new show called The Fear Club and I've been cast as one of the contestants in the pilot episode!

It's unfuckinbelievable! I'm crazy excited. I'm going to have to brush up on my horror trivia and knowledge in the next few weeks. I think I'll be able to handle everything they throw at me but foremost I wanna represent the horror blogosphere! Fuck yeah. I don't want to be one of those retarded reality contestants that's dumb as shit. I wanna show they picked someone who knows what's the what. Horror blogosphere.....represent!

Here's the press release so you know what the deal is. It should be released in the next few days.

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Cable's premiere horror destination, FEARnet television breaks into the reality TV genre with “The Fear Club”. 3 lucky horror fans every week will have the opportunity to test their knowledge, skills and love of horror movies in a competition that will push them to their limits.

“The Fear Club,” FEARnet’s first original reality show will visit famous horror movie landmarks and real haunted locations where contestants will have to perform stunts, answer trivia and face their worst fears. Executive Producer George Hitchens describes it as “The Amazing Race” meets "Fear Factor”. "We're going to put these diehard horror fans in situations they've never been in before" says Hitchens.

The series will feature 3 horror fans plucked from across America and sent to famous horror movie landmarks as well as real life locations known for their paranormal activity. After a series of tasks, trivia questions and a final stunt, the last survivor will win a cash reward and be featured as a FEARnet blogger on FEARnet.com.

Stay tuned for more announcements to come. For more information, head to FEARnet.com.

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I've been told that one of the contestants is from Los Angeles and works as a special effects designer. The other is from Austin and is a college student. My bio is I am a freelance writer for various movie and TV websites.

I was sent an e-mail from FEARnet as it looks like they were scoping out horror bloggers specifically. I had to fill out a questionnaire and film myself in a 15 minute video describing why I'd make a good contestant. After a phone interview, I went to a casting call in NYC, answered a few questions, did some role playing and met the producers and staff. A few days ago I got a call that I was cast.

Crazy right? I don't know what to expect but I'm going to be sure to let you know how it all plays out. I'll be tweeting and updating the jaded viewer Facebook page when they fly me out to wherever I'll be going. I've got a big contract I gotta read up and sign their waiver forms. I think I really should read the fine print just to make sure they don't bury me alive or some shit.

I'm not a fan of claustrophobia. Make sure to watch when it premieres!

















***The Fine Print***

Did you read that entire post? You did? Wow that's awesome. Isn't this going to be awesome? Are you going to watch? No? Fuck you. But you should know one thing. April Fool's!!!! Hahahahaha. ! Did I fool you? C'mon you should have known what today is. Thanks for playing!

Categories: fearnet, jadedviewer.com, reality tv satire, the jaded viewer, tv shows

10 Hipsterish Things Some Horror Fans Say and Do

I wrote on my Facebook page:

Everybody should calm down and stop being elitist horror fans for a sec because you saw Battle Royale. How about the fans who READ the book? They're more hipster than the ppl who saw the movie. But they better not make a film about Ennis Preacher or I'm gonna bust heads....

Well don't I sound all fuckin hipserish right??? It got me thinking that we horror fans say and do some hipsterish things (sometimes we realize it, sometimes we don't). Oh I do them too, don't get me wrong. But when you think of horror fans in their late 20s, early 30s and older there is a level between these age gaps that have them acting like the vile Williamsburg scum we all despise. We are all guilty. Girls, that dark eyeliner is horror hipster-nista. Dudes, that beard you're growing? Alpha hipster. Here are few of the things I notice. I'm gonna get shit from this I know. Fuck.

1.) Anything made in the 70s and 80s is a fuckin cult classic

Remember, millennials think Scream is a cult classic and that was made in the 90s.

2.) We tell noobs to see the originals before the remakes

Sure Hollywood bastardizes the originals but some of our "originals" are remakes too.

3.) We're too good to see a movie based on a bestseller because we saw a cult movie based on a cult best seller

What could I be talking about?

4.) We all wear ironic horror t-shirts with humorish text or 80s slasher nostalgia

Yup I own a few of these Fright Rags.

5.) We constantly refer to Cannibal Holocaust and Blair Witch Project as the best found footage flicks. Everything else sucks.

Many of you will disagree with this. I just want another cannibal movie.

6.) We rage when Hollywood skull fucks our childhood by remaking horror movies, yet we go en masse and see these shitty movies

How ironic right?

7.) We all have horror blogs

I just called myself a horror hipster douche bag. I'm a sonnavabitch.

8.) We tell noobs that we've seen obscure, foreign, hard to find, banned video nasty films.

Most of these are on Amazon.com.

9.) We also say the French, Japanese, Chinese, Canadian, British, German make the best horror flicks these days.

We don't watch any of these because we hate subtitles.

10.) We've all met Kane Hodder, Ken Foree and Tiffany Shepis at some horror convention.

And we've all made that our Facebook profile photo.

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Guilty as charged? What other shunning the mainstream things have horror fans done they may not be aware of? Now I'm going to watch Addio Zio Tom because you never heard of it.

Categories: cannibal holocaust, hipsters, hipsters dying, hollywood remake, horror blog, horror remakes, the blair witch project, the jaded viewer, tiffany shepis

The Jaded Viewer would like a cameo.....please?

I'll admit it. I've reviewed a ton of indie horror movies and sometimes its truly gratifying to have a filmmaker, writer or director thank you for giving such a good review or promoting a film. Though I love writing this blog and supporting indie horror I also do love getting free shit. I don't get paid for the site (I run no ads). But a part of me longs to get an e-mail that says:

"Hey Jaded Viewer, do you wanna have a cameo in our film?"

Fuck yeah I do. Every horror blogger would love to be asked that. Hell, I don't want even speaking lines. I'd like to just be in the background pretending to hold a conversation with a hot girl speaking gibberish. Of course, it would be kinda cool to "die" in a horror movie. I mean that would be the awesomest cameo wouldn't it?

All horror bloggers blog for the love of horror but the perks are pretty fun to. We've all probably met our fair share of celebs, filmmakers and stars. Hell when Eli Roth tweeted back to me one time, I was thrilled! But I wouldn't mind being slaughtered by a rich psychotic douchebag either.

Clearly, I have no acting experience whatsover. I 'm not part of any guild or organization for acting but I'm sure not all indie actors might be either. I can say I was once a zombie in a college short film but I've never actually seen the short and I only did it to hang out with a cute girl. The funny thing is I entered that Walking Dead sweeps where you could have been flown to Atlanta to have a zombie cameo. I entered that contest like a zillion times. That would have been the dream cameo.

So I'm putting this out there. If you're filming an indie film or indie horror, I'd love to make a cameo in your film playing any part. You need me to be a cadaver? I'm there. You need a homeless looking guy? I'm your man. You need a delivery guy? I'm always on time.

Horror bloggers and fans, if you could have a cameo in a horror film, which filmmaker or director would you want to be in?

And seriously...I'm an awesome zombie. I've got my staggered walk and echo moans down pat. We all need the jaded viewer zombie.

Make it happen.

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, indie horror, the jaded viewer

Could the Jaded Viewer outsmart (or die horribly) against these infamous slasher icons?

I was watching an episode of Tosh.0 and Daniel Tosh started naming celebrities he thought he could beat up. It's pretty funny video and it got me thinking, if I were a final guy trapped in a horror movie, which top horror slashers could I outsmart?

Based upon my educational level, my vast knowledge of horror trivia, tactics and experience, I think I could do well against certain slashers and pretty much get sliced early on against others. So below you'll find a list of slashers and whether or not I could outsmart them and escape scot fuckin free.

I want you fellow jaded viewers and my horror blogger alumni to try this experiment as well. List a bunch of slashers and think really hard if you could come out a winner. Don't be asshole/douche and think you could really get away from all of them. Share your lists and we'll all pretend to be smart motherfuckers!

Here's mine!

1.) Jason Voorhees

the jaded viewer says: Fuck yeah I could outsmart Jason. I'm not that freakin clumsy, won't trip running away in the woods and I'm pretty sure I'm in decently physically fit cardio wise. Jason waits for you to board yourself up in a house or cabin in the woods. Fuck that shit.

I'm running all night, even in the dead of night until I reach pavement of a highway. I'll bring a water bottle with me.

2.) Freddy Kreuger

the jaded viewer says: When I dream, I'm totally not in control. I don't know how to dream properly (lucid dreaming or whatever it's called) and I'd totally get Inception killed by the son of 1000 maniacs.

3.) Michael Myers

the jaded viewer says: The king of slashers and the smartest maniac on the planet. Michael was calculated, methodical and damn clever. I wouldn't last 10 minutes if I was hanging out in front of the Haddonfield 7-Eleven.

4.) Jigsaw

the jaded viewer says: Fuck y'all. If I need to hack my arm off I'm doing it to live. But knowing Jigsaw, his traps always have a damn twist so my likely survival probably hovers around 20%.

5.) Chucky

the jaded viewer says: He's a fuckin doll. Outsmart Chucky? Hell I could actually kick his ass. I'll show him who's the Good Guy.

Name a slasher in the comments and in my follow up to this post, I'll let you know if I could win or die a horrific death. If you have a horror blog, choose a few slashers and ask yourself if you could beat these icons of horror.

Categories: 80s slasher horror, jadedviewer.com, slasher films, slashers, the jaded viewer

Interview with Stuff Monsters Like

It's rare that I get asked to talk about myself and my blog. But when I do, it's an honor and I will go out of my way to make it as fun as possible. So when the awesome-tastic site Stuff Monsters Like asked me to do a celebrity interview, I said "Who's the celebrity? Wait you mean me?"

So I obliged and answered the questions in only the way I can...by being all around goofy. Check out the interview and read my thoughts on the state of horror, how the jaded viewer got started and which country makes the best horror movies. Plus I think I make a reference to porn. I'm pretty sure I do. Yup, tons of free porn.

• Check out my interview with Stuff Monsters Like
• Check out Stuff Monsters Like (they've got cool interviews and awesome reviews)
• Also check out their Facebook and Twitter pages

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, interview, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

The Jaded Viewer has been censored by the United States Government...

Learn about SOPA via the video below and contact your congressman or congresswoman letting them know you are against SOPA and PIPA. The Jaded Viewer and other sites rely on the flow and freedom of information to contribute to the lifeblood of the Internet. Any censorship by the government would discourage innovation and destroy creativity . Don't let this happen. Join in the protest and raise awareness.

Categories: free the internet, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, pipa, sopa, the jaded viewer

The Winner of The Jaded Viewer 2 DVD Giveaway is.....

Well because of the holidays, it took me a while to get back into jaded viewer mode. But I've finally picked a winner for the jaded viewer 2 DVD Giveaway.

Like I said previously, I'll be honest, I had no interest in reviewing these flicks. Looking at some reviews, they're not what you'd consider "kick ass awesome" or even "mediocrely average". Sure I could have watched them and probably created awesome mockery reviews but I'm going to hope the winner can do that for me.

So the winner of this giveaway is....

Kim K.!

Congrats Kim. Now can you write me a review? :-)

More giveaways to come so keep checking the Jaded Viewer Facebook page and follow me on Twitter.

Categories: giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

The Best Jaded Viewer Features of 2011 You May Have Missed

Sometimes throughout the year, I'll miss a damn good post by another horror blogger. It's hard to go back and see what good stuff has been written by them. I mean how will I ever get to read it if he or she doesn't tell me about it again?

Well I'm hoping you use this post to get to read some of my best features, reviews, lists and article I've written in 2011. Seriously, some of these are kinda hilarious if I say so myself. I re-read them and I'm kinda amazed I actually wrote it.

My favorites out of 2011 are my Half Moon review, the Sucker Punch photo blog, the Netflix vs VHS post, the Occupy Wall St/Romero article and when I reviewed Exit 33 starring Kane Hodder by parodying Rebecca Black's Friday.

I hope you get a kick out of these and LOL as you read them. Enjoy!

January

• My review of Half Moon which stars pornstar Tori Black where I count how many times I see either boobs, the moon or a wolf
• The Roommate: What the generic still photos actually tell us
• My predictions for 2011 weren't really accurate
• 2010 Top 10 horror movies

February

• The Time Life Books still creep me out!
• Insano Steve's The Roommate Review is pretty hilarious
• I stayed up until 1am for this? An Ode to the Spice Channel

March

• Sucker Punch Photos are Weapons of Mass Erections
• Top 5 Slice and Dice Dismemberment Death Scenes
  

April

• Horror Movie Alternate Endings You May Have Missed
• 10 Things the Netflix Generation could learn from the VHS Generation
• April Fools Joke 2011: WTF!?? OMG?? Did somebody send me a Snuff video?!??!

May

• A Disoriented Recollection of NYC Haunted House (Spring Edition)
• Beach Spike Trailer shows us Hong Kong is just as shallow as America
• Pornstars in horror films: Yay or Nay?
• The WTF Films of Filipino Exploitation
• Loading Cartoon Internet Memes circa early 2000's.........

June

• Congrats! You're a Horror Blogger....now what?

July

• A Picture review of Bloodrayne: The Third Reich
• The WTF List: Sucker Punch (trust me it's pretty good)
  

August

• 3 Pairs of Arnold Schwarzenegger Films that are Unintentionally Connected
• 5 Social Media Sites that would reinvent the horror movie
• 5 Horror Movies Hollywood will NEVER remake (because they don't know how to)
• Exit 33 Review (I review this movie by parodying Rebecca Black's Friday and via tweets from other horror bloggers)
  

September

• Insano Steve's review of The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

October

• Your Guide to the best NYC Haunted Houses (all my haunted house reviews)
  
• Savage Review (it's a really bad werewolf movie)
• Occupy Wall Street echoes Romero's Land of the Dead
  

November

• The Walking Dead is Lost but with Zombies
• The 10 Best Scenes from EuroTrip

December

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2011
• Final Girl's Bloggenaire: The Jaded Viewer (a lost Q&A interview with yours truly)
  

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2011

It's that time of year again where I go through all the crappy and mediocre movies I've seen and give you my best witty jabs from each review. Everybody has their worst of 2011 lists. But as I try to AVOID bad films, sometimes I'm lucky enough to not have seen any of the garbage. But when I really hate a film, I'll admit, it turns into awesome funny reviews.

So enjoy some quote snippets from the crap chunks of movies I saw that made me smash a few walls with my head....yet again,

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"The Anniversary at Shallow Creek is full of countless cliches, ranging from 1st person camera creeping in shots to loud BA BOOM! sounds to get you to jump. It didn't have a mirror scare but get this, no cell coverage is replaced with the fact they couldn't even find their cell phones!"

-from The Anniversary at Shallow Creek review

"Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place."

-from Bloodrayne: The Third Reich review

"The ending is completely out of leftfield. Hell I think it's out of the 20 yard line. Come to think of it, I had no idea what sport I was watching. The movie spun out of control and ended up being one long scene of boring."

-from Bleading Lady review

"Closed for a Season is a 2 hour (!) pseudo horror film that potentially could have been a scary flick with an abandoned amusement park as it's backdrop but they didn't put in a ride for the audience to scare us at all. And the purpose of the awesome rides like roller coasters is to get a fright and thrill for 2 minutes. That's a helluva rush. Instead we get a ferris wheel (which is our maxed out conclusion, how appropriate) and the viewer has ridden a ride of a film that did absolutely nothing.....That's just freakin boring."

-from Closed for a Season review

"The fact that I could watch YouTube FAIL videos while I watched this flick shows how long these boring scenes were. I'll admit, I've got American ADD and it's not my style to watch long drawn out scenes that set up a BOOO! scare. But even the scares were like flat soda."

-from The Coffin review

It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin

-from Exit 33 review (where I use Rebecca Black's Friday to create a parody lyrical review of this film, click on the link to read all the lyrics)

"OK I've watched a few women scorn movies but I'm no expert. I tend to use logic like an alpha male and start asking pesky questions. Call the police? Why wasn't this an option? I've seen my share of Law and Order: SVU and clearly the police can arrest somebody and convict them in an hour."

-from Fatal Secrets review

"If you think watching this film is the equivalent of reading Mary Shelly's book, you'd be wrong. Very wrong."

from The Frankenstein Syndrome review

"Fright Flick is campy and corny and jokey...like Jokey Smurf. Sure the explosion in a gift gag is funny the first 3 times but after a while you want Gargamel to eat that motherfucker. We carefully encounter a reveal which can be easily figured out using your standard Sherlock Holmes detective manual."

-from Fright Flick review

"Wolf dude tells TB about his life and he is lonely. Score! TB falls for it and they get into the lovemaking. It's a love scene but Tori Black makes it seem like she's on the 5th hour of a gangbang orgy."

-from Half Moon review (starring pornstar Tori Black and also where I count how many times the movie shows either boobs, the moon or a werewolf)

"The Human Centipede 2 is a competitive horror viewing contest. The original was easy to stomach, participants easily digested everything they took in. But HC2 is seeing a dude eat beyond his capacity and then vomit it all up. Do you really want to see that shit?"

-from The Human Centipede 2 review

"Black and white might've been an attempt at art. This shit ain't art. This shit is shit."

-from Insano Steve's The Human Centipede 2 review

"What's left is a indie movie that's ambitiously slick for it's own good. I can buy that there are redneck sections of Canada, but government conspiracies and a town hiding one of helluva secret is a bit much. Director Brooks Hunter via the press release says the movie reflects his bipolar disorder and there are metaphors throughout. Clearly if I knew this I'd have probably seen a broken glass of milk as something other than a broken glass of milk. Sorry, I'm not that clever."

-from Kenneyville review

"The film itself is a miragy mix of Harmony Korine's early stuff and it's just plain boring. Add in the visual nausea and the meanderings of dialogue (and bad acting) it's a milkshake of nonsense."

-from My Name is A by Anonymous review

"The dialogue is clever but the actors don't seem to have the comedic timing I was hoping for. Sure you'll get a chuckle on a few one liners but mostly it's a rushed indie blockbuster film with lots of ambition. The movie was made in some dude's house (maybe without their knowledge!) and their isn't a lick of gratuitous nudity (well somebody was gonna ask)"

-from Ninjas vs Vampires review

"All in all, The Poughkeepsie Tapes is Dowdle's grand attempt to cash in on the mockumentary and found footage craze at the same time. I think if I had seen this in 2008 I would have called it "revolutionary" and "creepy scary". But in 2011, I'll say it is revolutionary and creepy scary but I'll add in one more thing. "Cheaply dated"."

from The Poughkeepsie Tapes review

5.) I've tasted human blood and it kinda tastes like purple drink. Why can't these creatures just buy some purple drink from the local 99 cents store instead of murdering innocent mall shopping teens?

I like purple drink too. Next thing you know purple drink gonna be sold at Hot Topic and mass marketed to suburban kids everywhere. Gone will be the days where people enjoyed the novelty of purple drink as a cheap, watered down grape tasting beverage. What was your question again?

-from Prowl review

"The thing about a film that tries too hard, is well it tries too hard. Respire treads on so many horror genres, it felt like like a movie montage."

-from Respire review

"I knew from the moment I first saw the trailer for “The Roommate”, that it was a must-see movie (not necessarily a must-pay-to-see). As a bad movie connoisseur, I was pleased when this film received less than 10% positive reviews. Comically bad acting and incoherent plots are what I’m all about.....The Roommate definitely delivered the bad movie I was hoping for."

-from Insano Steve's The Roommate review

"Savage makes a SyFy original movie look like a Hollywood blockbuster. It's not only that the characters are boring, the plot is laughable or Bigfoot is clearly taking HGH. It's that the movie is filled with scenes of people talking about a plot and subplots I didn't care about. I believe it was something about some forest fire, shady real estate deals, an armed robbery and a pregnant woman......All I cared about was seeing a vicious Bigfoot killing and eating campers. And even that sucked."

-from Savage review

"We've all seen mice experiments before and you know eventually it'll get to the cheesy middle. It's how the maze is conceived is what makes it exciting. And Shellter has an interesting way to get there but your going to go on a lot of dead ends before you get there."

-from Shellter review

"I don't get it....Every other reviewer seems to think this was a creative and unique take on the old Romanian legend that spawned the vampire. Maybe I have ADD and can't stand long, boring scenes of nothing. Maybe I don't get the humor in this. Maybe I don't understand why Romanians speak English. Maybe I don't get the fact the film is goofing around with a generational gap.....Maybe I just don't get this flick. "

-from Strigoi review

"It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to."

-from Sweatshop review

"The entire film COULD and I stress could have been awesome. A horror comedy that relaxes the viewer, a ghost story that gets them edgy and a creature feature that gives you the sexual willies. But the first 2 never really got into the final story and by the end, you're not expecting much. Slices of Life is an unfired firework, ready to explode but nobody lit the fuse. Instead we're given sparklers and told "Have a good time kids!"."

-from 3 Slices of Life review

"I'm also a big Jamie Chung fan. I have no idea who Abbie Cornish is. And I have indeed seen Vanessa Hudgens naked."

"So the "dances" are actually the action scenes. Clearly OLD ME understands this film concept but TWEEN ME can't get enough of seeing Emily Browning do backflips and Jena Malone shooting a gun that weighs more than her."

-from Sucker Punch WTF List review

"I mean at times this movie got boring...I could only imagine what real ballet is like."

"This is like when Hogan went from the yellow and red to the black and white."

"Mila's been busted open!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!"

-from Black Swan WTF List review

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Also check out my previous year editions of The Best Quotey Quotables!

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2010

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009

What's your worst horror movie of 2011? Got any quotey quotables you want to add from some not so good movies this year? Comment away!

Categories: 2011 horror movies, bloodrayne, jadedviewer, kane hodder, the human centipede, the jaded viewer, the roommate, uwe boll, worst movies of 2011

Contest: Win 2 tickets to Nightmare: The Experiment!!!

Tis the season to be fearful, fa la la la la, la la la.

Well after having attended Nightmare (Before Christmas) The Experiment, I got a good dose of fear, humor and had tons of fun seeing others cringe. It's a great show and the audience definitely gets their money worth participating in this one of a kind show.

Partnering with Nightmare: New York, I'm giving the gift of fear by having a contest to win TWO (2) tickets to Nightmare: The Experiment on 12/22 (Thursday). The contest will run from today to 12/20 (Tuesday).

What do you need to do to win?

***Tell me the most embarrassing or craziest story where you had to face your worst fear.***

Based on creativity, humor and triumph (and a combination of all 3), I'll pick the best story. The first fear you'll have to overcome is telling this story to the Internet.

I'll pick the winner on Wednesday 12/21 and you'll get to experience The Experiment for yourself! You can enter in the following ways:

1.) Through a comment on THIS POST

2.) Via Facebook on the jaded viewer page

3.) Via Facebook on Nightmare New York's page (make sure to tag the jaded viewer Facebook page)

4.) Via Twitter (@jadedviewer and @NightmareNYC)

5.) E-mail jadedviewers at yahoo dot com

**Be sure to include your e-mail address as well if you enter via comment**

If you win via Facebook, please contact me from the e-mail address above for further instructions. If on Twitter, I'll DM you.

From the official site, here's the info about this new holiday haunt.

Psycho Clan, producers of NIGHTMARE, New York’s most horrifying haunted house and AOL CityGuide’s No. 1 rated haunted attraction in NYC have announced that they will expand the sensory assaulting theatre experience THE EXPERIMENT into an off–Broadway run on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. A special holiday version of NIGHTMARE (BEFORE CHRISTMAS): THE EXPERIMENT will run December 9 through December 23, 2011 at Los Kabayitos Laboratorio at the Clemente Soto Velez Cultural Center, 107 Suffolk Street between Rivington and Delancey.

Studies have shown that the anxiety of the holiday season, coupled with seasonal depression, heightens the neurotransmitters associated with feelings of fear. The Psycho Clan experimental division plans on exploiting those levels of fear for an adrenaline rushing 50 minutes of twisted holiday pleasure, with NIGHTMARE (BEFORE CHRISTMAS): THE EXPERIMENT. The event was originally part of this year’s haunted house as a second attraction, but due to its popularity, has been expanded and will return for a horrifying Christmas spectacular that’s able to amplify what it did in its previous installment and experiment on the whole audience in a terrifying (and entertaining) examination into the limits of fear.

“Christmas is supposed to be a joyful time. For too many, it just isn’t. If you don’t always feel joy during the holidays, a good scare will trigger those senses,” says Co-Director Timothy Haskell. “The same endorphins that are released during moments of joy and pleasure are the same ones coursing through your nervous system during times of great fright. So let fear ignite your holiday spirit!”

The Experiment runs from Dec 9th to Dec 23rd. Tickets are $20 and showtimes run at 7pm, 8pm and 9pm. The haunt lasts about 50 minutes or so.

You can purchase tickets here.

Check out the trailer!

Categories: contest, giveaway, haunted house, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, new york city, nightmare fairy tales, nightmare superstitions, nightmare vampires, nyc haunted house, the jaded viewer

Final Girl's Bloggenaire: The Jaded Viewer

Searching through my jaded viewer folder, I discovered an interview I did a while back for Stacie Ponder, who runs the awesome blog Final Girl. She started an interview feature where she sent all of us horror bloggers 23 questions to answer and she'd post the Q&A up on her site so others could discover new horror blogs. Well it looks like I didn't make the cut as the "bloggernaire" abruptly ended in the summer of 2010 and I never got posted.

Crap.

Well after reading my answers (they're fuckin awesome BTW) I figure I'd share my responses with all of you. I figure you should know more about me and if this were posted on Final Girl it would have helped my horror blogger cred. I'm sure Stacie would have posted my Q&A eventually so it's all good in any case. At least now I got a pre-packaged interview for you to read up. Hey, it's still an honor sorta being part of "The Bloggenaire"!

I also just got interviewed by Stuff Monsters Like and their interview (hopefully) will be posted in late January of next year. Cool beans all around. Well here is the jaded viewer's bloggernaire. Enjoy!

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Your name: Jeff
Your blog's name / URL: The Jaded Viewer (http://www.jadedviewer.com)

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

My friend and I use to trade movies back in the old Internet days. So in order to entice more trades, we started reviewing the movies we had in both our collections. Most of our reviews were nonsensical, whimsical and very incoherent. But they were very very funny.

I wanted to share my reviews with everyone, hoping they’d get a chuckle and half out of them. As the blog evolved, my posts became my mindless thoughts on anything horror related.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

What’s the jaded viewer other than a morbid parking space on the internet? It’s got electromagnetic posts of fun, a lost aesthetic of all that is wicked and free popcorn for the first 500 visitors. And porn without the nudity.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

Bad movies fall into my “they’re so bad, I can MST3K them” which turns a bad apples into apple sauce. When you can make fun of a movie with help from friends, nothing can be scratch your eyeballs bad.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Thank the Feebles, Peter Jackson can obliterate these creatures with an RPG.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Fulci’s Zombi 2. You’d think after my 1,234,678th viewing of zombie vs. shark it’d get kinda boring. If only Fulci made the shark suffer some ocular trauma I’d be in ecstasy.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

My most recent Adrienne Barbeau sighting was seeing her in the awesome short Alice Jacobs is Dead. She was absolutely stellar playing a sick human to zombie wife.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

It chops, it can be used to keep you warm and it’s been described as LOLs, WTFs!??!, OMGs and WOW! What is this product that can do so much but cost a fortune? It’s The Jaded Viewer! Reviews of your favorite mainstreaminess with a few indie horror mixed in. And if you call now you won’t just get reviews, we’ll even include Lists (who doesn’t love lists?), exclusive shorts and pictures of horror hotties that are banned in Utah. Did I forget to mention it’s made out of 100% recyclable material? Are you ready to order?

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

He totally won the lottery and got a degree in engineering from the University of Phoenix. Also, he’s enslaved elves to help him build those traps. Super smart, college educated elves.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

It’s gotta be C. There hasn’t been a C in like forever. In any case, most horror is watched with social aspect whereas most of society’s social mores are thrown into a tailspin. We don’t usually see a slasher or monsters in our normal, everyday boring lives and seeing these as entertainment make us all experience something together that draws on all our common fears. Deviant entertainment is only deviant to the ones doing the labeling. To the horror fan, it’s a Friday night.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981. Two movies: Evil Dead and Cannibal Ferox.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

I know right? For the last 2 years I’ve picked Martyrs and Inside as my best horror movies of the year. Our biased American assumption that the French are sniveling cowards who drink lots of wine and eat croissants is sadly untrue. They are actually a people bent on taking over the world through horror cinema. Subliminal horror movies that tell us to CONSUME and BREED. You know what I’m getting at right?

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Gremlins 2. Oh those silly gremlins!

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

Trick question! Rob Zombie didn’t actually direct Halloween. It was Uwe Boll.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

Funeral? That’s so 2004. I’m getting myself cryogenically frozen.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

I think it’s the same feeling I have for Jean Claude Van Damme. Insert dancing Van Damme animated gif here.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

“Yo Glinda, Imma let you finish, but Hermione Granger had one of the best boat crashes of the year.”

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

No worries. I’ve had multiple blogicide attempts over the last year.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Tyler Durden….is that you?

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Totally happy. After he escaped from the unkillable slasher, I heard he got a college education, opened up a car wash franchise and married the hot high school cheerleader he had a crush on.

And abruptly died from a massive coronary after eating at a Carl’s Jr. Hahaha sucker!

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

80s. The birth of the horror franchise.

21) Would you rather be:
1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Vampires sparkle. Being a witch/warlock seems to involve lots of memorization, werewolves are hairy, Frankensteins are too slow… That leaves a Jaws. Who wouldn’t wanna be a motherf*ckin shark?

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

Stacie, it’s time you learned the truth. I'm from the future. I came here in a time machine that I invented and tomorrow I have to go back to the year 1985.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

My rating system is based on Van Damme spinkicks. I also tend to write my reviews in an FAQ style which on occasion turns out quite hilarious. Also, I have a running joke where if a quote from a review I’ve written appears on the back of a DVD box, I will immediately terminate the blog.

I’m serious. OK maybe 30% serious.

EXTRA CREDIT! You can ask me a question, if you want to.

So now that you’re super famous, can we expect a reality show following your exploits?

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Is there anything else you want to know about me? I guess leave your question in the comments and I'll take a crack at it. And to answer your first question, it's front to back.

Categories: final girl, horror blogging, interview, jadedviewer, the jaded viewer

It's Thanksgiving so I'll leave this right here: Turbaconepicentipede

Happy Thanksgiving from the Jaded Viewer!

Thanks to all the new followers on Blogger, Facebook and Twitter! Special thanks to all the loyal followers who keep coming back as well. There's more horror goodness coming from the jaded viewer on the way so keep checking back.

Fuck Turducken. Now here is Epic Meal Time's: Turbaconepicentipede.

Categories: happy thanksgiving, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: Savage County and Ferocious Planet DVDs!

It's my final jaded viewer horror giveaway for 2011! As it's my last giveaway of the year, we're going out with both barrels loaded. If you win, you'll get not one, but TWO DVDs! I'll be honest, I had no interest in reviewing these flicks. Looking at some reviews, they're not what you'd consider "kick ass awesome" or even "mediocrely average". Sure I could have watched them and probably created awesome mockery reviews but I'm going to hope you can do that for me.

If you win, feel free to write up a review (be it a paragraph or more) after you watch the flick. Send it to me and I'll post it up!

So what do you need to do to enter?

Enter by leaving your name and e-mail address in the comments. On or around December 18th or so I'll randomly pick a winner. That's it.

If you can, be sure to "Like" the Jaded Viewer Facebook page, follow me on Twitter and be sure to spread the word on this contest on your Facebook walls, Google Plus circles and tweet it out.

Here are the trailers for these flicks.

Good luck!

Categories: giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

The Winner of The Jaded Viewer Giveaway: DVD of your choice is....

Thanks to all who participated in one of the worst ways to get rid of pretty horrible DVDs ever. I really couldn't promise you that any of these DVDs were good but whatever it's free right?

Fertile Ground, Savage County or Ferocious Planet. It's pretty bad when I'm not even willing to review any of these. Maybe you can review the DVD of your choice for me.

Well without further ado, you had a 1 in 10 chance of winning (10 people entered) and through a random drawing the winner is.....

Kris F. who also has a blog of his own www.sideshowreview.com

He has chosen Fertile Ground!

Congrats Kris! Feel free to review the movie.

New giveaways coming soon!

Categories: giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: DVD of your choice!!!

I'll be honest. This giveaway isn't going to be as awesome as The House of the Devil VHS Collectable. The 3 movies I was planning on giving away are pretty mediocre (some will say it sucks monkey balls) but hey it's free if you win right?

So for this giveaway, if you win you'll have a choice of which movie you want. I haven't seen any of these flicks. You can IMDB them for reviews. They are unopened and were saved from the trash bin. But one man's trash is another man's not trash right?

Enter by leaving your name and e-mail address in the comments. On or around October 12th or so I'll randomly pick a winner. That's it.

Here are the 3 movies you get to choose from.

1.) Ferocious Planet DVD (a SyFy Original Movie via Maneater Series)

the jaded viewer says: Stars Joe Flanigan and John Rhys-Davies. New copy of this SyFy original movie. Who knows what the plot is but I'm sure the flick has awesome CGI. Here's the trailer.




2.) Savage County DVD (via MTV New Media)

the jaded viewer says: I think the soundtrack may be better than the movie. Texas Chainsaw ripoff for sure for the MTV generation.

Trailer because you didn't ask for it.





3.) Fertile Ground (via After Dark Originals)

the jaded viewer says: I think the house doesn't like this big city couple too much. You know how I LOVE After Dark originals right?

Trailer because you want to see scenes that are way too dark.

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On a side note, the jaded viewer will be going on hiatus for a week or so. I'll be in Los Angeles for reasons well beyond my control. If you're a jaded viewer in LA, drop me a line via Facebook or Twitter and let me know any good food yum yum spots I should check out or not for tourists places to visit.

See ya when I get back!

Categories: after dark, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

The Winner of The Jaded Viewer Giveaway: The House of the Devil VHS is......

Thanks to all who participated in this giveaway. It was very interesting to read all your answers to who would be your celebrity babysitter for a night. I mentioned my babysitter would be Ellen Page who I think is super duper awesome. But check out the list below of who others picked to be their babysitter.

• Oprah
• Jean Claude Van Damme
• Jamie Lee Curtis (The ultimate babysitter.)
• Elvira
• Werner Herzog
• Emily Perkins
• Joe Bob Briggs
• Mila Kunis
• Hulk Hogan
• Julianne Moore
• Linnea Quigley
• Milla Jovovich
• Jocelin Donahue
• Quentin Tarantino
• Christopher Lee
• Vincent Cassel/Klaus Kinski
• John Goodman
• Falcor from The Neverending Story
• John Waters
• Edwige Fenech
• Kurt Russell
• Serj Tankian
• Jeff "The Dude" Bridges
• Alison Lohman
• Elijah Wood
  

A bunch of hotties, respected directors and actors and a wrestler. Clearly, we value a good conversation over eye candy.

As for the film, I reviewed this film a while ago. I gave it 2 spinkicks. I kind of liked Babysitter Wanted a little bit better but I can't be to harsh with this flick. I mean Ti West created a solid throwback babysitter horror nostalgia flick and put it out in VHS form which is uber cool to say the least.

The odd history of how I came to get this House of the Devil VHS clamshell was that my former dot com company moved offices and left a pile of goodies for us employees to pick up. Somehow, the editors left this beauty of a prize. I swooped it up and figured a true horror fan would enjoy this instead of it being in the trash.

Like I said. this VHS clamshell collectable is pretty awesome. It's just the clamshell and the VHS tape inside. Nothing else. But it's pretty damn cool if you have a VCR (which I don't). I always say it's best to give to those who do (....have a VCR...really? You have one? Kudos)

Well without further ado and via a random drawing (I assign every entry a random number and use random.org to pick the number) The Winner of The Jaded Viewer Giveaway: The House of the Devil VHS is......

Murphy who picked Edwige Fenech as the babysitter.

Congrats Murphy!

Thanks to all who participated in this contest. I have a few more DVDs to giveaway including Fertile Ground, Savage County and Ferocious Planet.

I should be putting up another giveaway in a few days. So check back here in a few.

Categories: contest, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the house of the devil, the house of the devil review, the jaded viewer

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program....

Well with Hurricane Irene about to hit NYC, the Jaded Viewer might be on hiatus until things all settle down and return to normal. Here's hoping this is all hype and it's not as bad as they say.

On the horizon are some screener reviews and a few more features for you to chuckle on. I'll keep you posted on this pending apocalypse and you can follow me on Twitter for any updates.

Stay safe East Coasters!

Categories: jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer