Monday, November 30, 2009

Hanger (Review)


Hanger (2009)

Directed by Ryan Nicholson

Well Hanger is a movie that alot of our female horror bloggers are NOT going to watch and certainly not review.

Sometimes horror is still a boys club.

There is still a part of the horrorsphere that is still extreme,vulgar, disgusting and nasty. Movies that throwback exploitation and grindhouse and make it tampon fuckin bloody. This isn't your sanitized Tarantino/Rodriguez shit. This is over the top fucked up shit. Lowest Common Denominator gave us Black Devil Doll (review here). Header (review here) gave us a new term for some fucked up shit. And Frank Henenlotter recently spawned Bad Biology (review here).

But Plotdigger Films Ryan Nicholson whose Gutterballs (full review here) and Live Feed are smack in the middle of this extreme horror genre is back with his 4th film Hanger. I loved Gutterballs, ranking it #6 on my Top Horror Movies of 2008. But I'll say straight out, as much as I appreciate all the glorious exploitation shit of old, I just couldn't dig the flick. But that isn't to say it doesn't have its moments.

Put the kids to sleep and get your barf bag ready, it looks like we're DeLoreaning back to the VHS horror of old.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Pulled into this world to take you out! HANGER is a horrifying tale of revenge...beginning with a back-alley abortion and ending with a bloodbath so vicious that it brings a new meaning to "an eye for eye".

From pimps to dealers, from hookers and junkies..."Hanger" washes the filth away with their own blood, cleaning the streets and making way for the ultimate showdown of good vs. evil. Diving headfirst into the depths of human depravity, Plotdigger Films plans on turning the world of horror inside out and letting it all hang out to dry!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

(Warning! This review is probably filled with language that will offend some. Just because the movie is highly fucked up and offensive itself)

It's easy to get psyched when you see one flick you love and anticipate the next film of that director. So Hanger got me hyped after watching the trailer. But oddly this was 80% extreme nastiness, 10% porn and 10% plot. Gutterballs for all its nastiness had some balance in the equation, Hanger seemed to be overflowing like a clogged up toilet.

So lets breakdown the equation.

10% plot

Debbie Rochon plays Rose, a whore of whores who gets knocked up then subsequently killed by her pimp Leroy. (Leroy also disposes of a tranny as well (Lloyd Kauffman in a cameo)) Leroy is a bad ass brotha, with gear and anger issues. Because Rose can't trick due to her "pregnant, fat ass" he kills her by hanger abortion trauma, thus killing mommy and deforming the unborn son. 18 years later, Rose's favorite John, gets Hanger (the deformed son) out from the streets, gets him a job at a recycling plant and gets him some pussy. (not necessarily in that order)

Soon Hanger is hanging out with Russell, another freakazoid working at the plant. Russell is a Chinese pornhound that cares only about drinking and getting laid. Wade Gibb plays Russell and does the old yellowface act (white man playing a stereotypical Chinese caricature) and somehow turns in stellar, hilarious performance. His Mr. Woo like rambling gave me a few ha ha's and its something you think would be offensive but comes out as funny as hell.

Suffice it to say, John and Hanger go seeking revenge against Leroy because he killed their momma and favorite ho, respectively.

10% porn

Well lets get our Nude-ipedia out of the way right? Lots of breasts and boobage galore in this one. This isn't your Vivid shit here. More like Bangbus. Whore boobies and a gratuitous masturbation-interruptus scene involving Candice Lewald. Round boobies, sagging boobies and wallpaper of porn. Thank you Ryan Nicholson.

80% extreme nastiness

Most other Gore-ipedia scenes involve a killing of a hooker, a fat Jehovah's Witness and some man rape via roofies. It's typically gore-max and it's all done in a utter violent nasty streak. Somehow most of these scenes you'd think would be the shock value you signed up for end up blah. Blah, blah blah. Clocking in at 80 minutes, I guess there was no time in the movie to set any of these scenes up. Shit happens, kill scene, next.

The nasty of the uber nasty is seeing Hanger's fucked up face. He's not just deformed but seriously scarred. Russell is a little yucky too as is another worker at the plant Phil. They throw poop diapers at each other and sort all the gooey and vomitus garbage.

The dialogue is cluttered with every vulgarity and sexual nastiness you can think of. Blowtorch mediaval torture. What else can I say? The only creativeness is Russell's diatribes as he talks to Hanger. Blowjobs, tossing salads and abortions are the vernacular. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the fuckin city. With that, the ending is a little too anticlimactic and a big SHOCKER scene is no where to be found. When a movie offends you this much, you want them to go over the edge and just go "Fuck it, how can this scene be a little more fucked up?".

Hanger lives up to the movies Nicholson has created. It's Troma-ish and has that piss ass drunk feel in movies like Street Trash, Maniac and Combat Shock. It's definitely not for everyone but Hanger claims the top spot of being the nastiest film of 2009.

Ryan Nicholson takes each of the genres of old and makes his version. And trust me his versions are meaner, sicker and more depraved. As much as I like Gutterballs, Nicholson's street revenge, exploitation flick is fucked up, but without the creativeness I was looking for. Maybe he'll make a shaky cam BWP or PA like flick, unsanitized for us grindhouse fans. You listening Ryan?

WTF moment

Seeing Hanger's face for the first time

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The DVD released November 17th. More from the MySpace site and the official site.

If you want to watch what the extreme fans watch, go see Live Feed or Gutterballs first. Then when your ready, you can watch Hanger. Also, to build up your stamina for these type of flicks go see the others I mentioned. If your a noob, go see Cannibal Holocaust first. If you can stand that, you can be ready for this flick.


Check out the trailer below.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving means killing poultry! (Poultrygeist's Musical Numbers)

Thanksgiving means killing poultry! Poor little chickens and turkeys dying for your gluttonous stomachs. You bastards! Makes you want to be a vegetarian right? WRONG!

Turkey is just too damn yummy.

But if you watched Troma's Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead you'd think twice about reaching for that drumstick. The jaded viewer is going on hiatus for the Thanksgiving break but the least I can do is leave you some ha ha's while I'm gone. Poultrygeist is indeed one of the funniest Troma films to come out in a while and the musical numbers in this sleazy, oddball flick are hil-freakin-larious. So sing-a-long and enjoy!

(of course after watching these videos you'll totally lose your appetite)

Poultrygeist - "Revenge is a dish best served fried!"

Poultrygeist - "Longing to Live/Waiting to Die"

Poultrygeist - "Murderous General"

Poultrygeist - The Music Video

The 2 musical numbers that are missing are "Generous General" which is an awesome satire musical on fast food and "Slow Fast Food Love" is not anywhere to be found on the interwebs because it has lots of boobies.

Hope you enjoyed all that. Of course I could have posted the standard Happy Thanksgiving post with Eli Roth faux slasher Thanksgiving trailer or did what Freddy in Space and post the Thankskilling trailer. But Matt-suzaka over at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby posted all the horror themed Thanksgiving movies he could find.

Brilliant stuff. So today and tomorrow, go ahead and leave your links via the comments to some Thanksgiving related posts. I want to see what the creative horror blogosphere has come up with on Turkey Day.

And if that turkey comes alive right before you carve it up and starts attacking you...let me be the first to say....I told you so.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (Trailer)

Doesn't that poster make you wanna kick some ass?

I wouldn't be the jaded viewer if I didn't inform (ahem force) you to know what was the latest movie of our beloved hero Jean Claude Van Damme. I told you about Karate, I told you about The Eagle Path and now we unleash the trailer for Universal Soldier 3: Regeneration!

Dolph Lundgren and UFC champ Andrei "The Pit Bull" Arlovski are tag team UniSoldiers against the one and only JCVD. Are you psyched? Are you mega psyched? Are you super mega psyched? We here at the jaded viewer are super duper mega psyched times infinity!!!

This comes out in theaters on..oops sorry my bad. The DVD comes out on January 5th 2010. Sigh.

Here be the plot (in case you forgot or sorta cared)

A crazed Chechen nationalist, BASAYEV, seizes control of Chernobyl, site of the infamous nuclear meltdown, and threatens to unleash a radioactive cloud unless his nationalist blackmail demands are met.

LUC DEVERsEAUX (Jean-Claude Van Damme) joins a U.S. team of revived UniSoldiers secretly held in deep storage. Their mission: retake Chernobyl and disable explosives that will unleash the radioactive clouds. Luc is surprised when he finds one of the reactivated UniSoldiers is a clone of his old Sergeant, ANDREW SCOTT (Dolph Lundgren). But the cloned Andrew has no recollection of Luc.

As the team furiously battles its way into the Chernobyl plant, they are caught off guard. Using a mind-control chip, Baseyev turns Andrew against his own comrades. Now surrounded, wounded, and out-numbered, Luc must battle Andrew, and save the world.

OK enough of the chatter. Here's the trailer!! Woohoo!!!

Thanks to Twitch, JoBlo and a few other sites for the heads up.

If that wasn't enough Van Damme for you, check out some awesome related linkage.

jaded viewer related linkage:

JCVD (Review)
Top 10 Scenes in Bloodsport
Top 10 Villains from Jean Claude Van Damme Movies
Bloodsport Kumite Brackets
Rewind: The Greatest Martial Arts Fighting Tournament Movie Ever Made
The Eagle Path (Teaser)
the jaded viewer's spinkick rating system

Monday, November 23, 2009

Ink (Review)


Ink (2009)

Directed by Jamin Winans

Terry Gilliam and David Lynch would be impressed by Ink.

In the world of indie cinema, most films go into generic period pieces of romantic dramedies. Rarely do you see a film that boldly attempts to be ambitiously creative and visually stimulating. It's always the big studios that go ga ga and make movies with CGI porn and non existent plots.

But Jamin Winan's Ink is a movie that defies the stereotype of independent cinema. The Denver based director has made an adult fairy tale that paints surrealism and story on a canvas of dreams.

It has everything you would like to see in a movie. A deeply thought out story, very honest and interesting characters, top notch CGI, a look and feel like no other other movie I've ever seen. Would you not pay to see this?

Well, it seems last week nobody was actually paying for it as Ink became one of the most downloaded movies on BitTorrent. I can't stop you from d-loading it but I can tell you why it's been getting the praise and the downloads.

After watching Ink, I'll say straight out, it's one of the best indie movies I've ever seen.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

As the light fades and the city goes to sleep, two forces emerge. They are invisible except for the power they exert over us in our sleep, battling for our souls through dreams. One force delivers hope and strength through good dreams; the other infuses the subconscious with desperation through nightmares.

John (Chris Kelly) and Emma (Quinn Hunchar), Father and Daughter are wrenched into this fantastical dream world battle, forced to fight for John's soul and to save Emma from an eternal nightmare. Separate in their journey, they encounter unusual characters that exist only in their subconscious. Or do they?

Ink is a high-concept visual thriller that weaves seamlessly between the conscious and the subconscious. Ink has been hailed as the new "it" movie.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The filmmakers have compared that film to Alex Proyas's Dark City, Kelly's Donnie Darko and Del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth. It mostly resembles Pan's in its surreal world of light vs dark. I like to think it has a comparison to Terry Gilliam's Time Bandits and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen as well. But honestly, I can try to think of other movies it feels like, but Ink feels like well....Ink.

We've always been told in story or fairy tale that there is a world between sleep and wake. This is Ink. Winan has created a mythos where "Storytellers", beings who create our good dreams battle Incubuses (who grin evily, wear large glasses and have window shaped TV paintings in front of their face) who give us nightmares. Oh it seems Legion-ish yes, but the parallel is all Lifetime Movie of the Week (in a good way) where a father John tries to connect back with his daughter Emma.

So what the hell is this about you may be asking?

In the middle of a suburban night, a mysterious dream scavenger named Ink (who wears a patchwork cloak and has a large nose) kidnaps Emma's dream soul (she is in a coma in real life) to bring to the Incubi so he can join their nightmare clan. In a very jamtastic opening battle, Emma is protected by the Storytellers or dream angels (who look like young 20 somethings from Hot Topic).

The battles play out invisible to the real world. And in this aspect I was impressed. Kicks and punch, kung fu madness destroy the settings they are in. A house's tables, cabinets and windows are all destroyed during the battle but reintegrated and fixed in milliseconds. I gotta admit, it is an impressive visual, done a little Matrixy but done super duper well.

Ink, now with Emma in tow takes her on a journey into this styilized universe of dreams and nightmares. The visuals are a surrealistic journey into metaphors and subconscious nightmares. Sort of like Eraserhead and Tetsuo but slightly calmer and in enhanced HD. The dreamworld we see is like your TV with the brightness at 100.

Later they are joined by another Storyteller who is taken prisoner and soon plays friend to young Emma. Ink soon realizes he has to find 2 codes in the dreamworld to gain access to complete his mission, deliver Emma to the Incubus to become one of them.

In the parallel story is John, Emma's father. He has become a hardnosed businessman who lost custody of Emma to her grandparents after his wife died. We see his life become all about his work and a very uber emoticon scene has John confront his father in law who he blames her his loss (for both his wife and daughter).

John's journey is told in quick glimpsey flashbacks, as we see good times with his wife and the aftermath of her death. However, John is helped by the band of 3 storytellers and a Pathfinder who try to keep the Incubi (who've manipulated John to keep to his current fate) away from him. The storytellers objective is simple. Help John and Emma reconnect and save two souls.

Got all that?

Well, once you watch the movie it all becomes very clear and non ambigious as I just described. There are alot of different things all happening at the same time which is why the movie clocks in at 140 minutes.

One of the most impressive scenes has got to be the "chain reaction" created by the Pathfinder which ultimately helps John find his daughter. Winans connects scenes that occur on a city block, random occurrences all blending together to accomplish a car crash. Simply a fantastic scene that pushes the plot and turned out genius in design.

Ink is full of humor, action, drama and pure mesmerizing visual candy. The performance by Chris Kelly is stellar. Playing John's downfall and redemption is striking to watch and by the end, he'll surprise you with his other role. Newcomer Quinn Hunchar's Emma was Dora the Explorer uber fun.

The only gripe is it's fragmented structure and John's narrative being a little over done. It's a little con in a near perfect film. Many of our mythological beings are also not made clear, but when you attempt to watch something that's intellectually stimulating as well as artistically challenging, that's bound to happen.

Ink is the sleeper hit of 2009. I had posted the trailer in February and it intrigued me then. After having watched it I can only say I am not doing it justice in my review. It stands alone as something you have to experience for yourself. So stop downloading Zombieland and buy, rent or Netflix Ink.

Because when you watch Ink, you may forget if your awake or sleeping.

WTF moment

Who is Ink?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Please don't torrent this. It's now available via DVD and comes out on Blu Ray on November 24th. It's also on Netflix and iTunes as well.

The DVD is full good stuff too. Special features include a Behind the Scenes featurette and a very cute interview between Chris and Quinn.

Head over to the official site as well for some uber awesome Ink goodies as well as the Facebook and Twitter pages.


Check out the trailer.

jaded viewer related linkage:
Ink (Trailer)
Ink Screening

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Friday, November 20, 2009

Vampire Rules 101 (or Vampire Self Defense for Beginners)

I've never seen Twilight and I have no intention of ever seeing this twat-tard of a trilogy. But I do have a fascination of the mythos of vampire lore. I'm not talking about ancient Lestaty type crap but the fact that popular culture (be it books, TV, film and the Interwebs) have given a bunch of rules for vampires to have to deal with.

Insano Steve hates any monsters or supernatural beings that are hindered by rules that prevent them from eating, devouring or killing helpless young teenagers. I agree. It's just a drag that vampires are now burdened by so many laws and barriers that prevent them from sinking their teeth into some young hottie.

So let's analyze a few of these supposed rules and weaknesses the present day vampire has to deal with.

1.) Sunlight

the jaded viewer says: Why does sunlight kill vampires? Nobody knows. This is just plain dumb. Ooooh creatures of the night right? Tons of good shit happens during the day. Baseball games, picnics. Vamps need to get some coffee too. Recent vampire lore has broken this rule recently. I mean honestly, this is such a freakin handicap for vamps it's totally unfair. Half their day is completely shot. Let's just waive this one from the books.

2.) Reflection not seen in mirror

the jaded viewer says: How does one comb ones hair? Just cross this rule out. Dude needs to shave and the femvamps need to apply makeup. Nobody wants to see an ugly vamp right?

3.) Holy Water

the jaded viewer says: Holy water don't work against werewolves, zombies or demons. Why vamps? This one is totally goofy. Next!

4.) Garlic

the jaded viewer says: In the history of monster mythos, only the vampire could be threatened by a white, smelly vegetable. Jeez.

5.) Silver

the jaded viewer says: Why not copper? How about gold? Nickel?

6.) Crosses

the jaded viewer says: In Dracula 2000, they pulled out the Judas card explaining vamps were descendants of Judas which is why they hate crosses because it reminds them of Judas's betrayal of Christ. But do you realize that all you need to do is put 2 sticks together and cross them and you got a ADT security system MacGyver style. How's a vamp going to get some when all you need to do is put your arms together and give the Degeneration X symbol?

6.) The Invitation

the jaded viewer says: Well this one begs the question of "What qualifies as a home where a blood sucker has to get invited too?" Say I got a vacation house in the I still protected? And the invitation reply is so ambigious. How about if I don't make rent for the month...its not my home anymore technically. Can they still enter? Still gotta love the scene in Let the Right One In on the vamp invitation rule being broken by poor Eli. (Check out the scene here)

7.) Holy Ground

the jaded viewer says: They can't enter churches? How about synagogues? Mosques? Temples? How about if I have one of those "Bless my Cubicle" sign. Can they come in?

8.) Wooden Stakes

the jaded viewer says: Not much to say here but if vampires were real, Walmart would sell wooden stakes for $5.99.

9.) The whole counting grain thing

the jaded viewer says: Jeez. That's like forcing people to watch Ernest goes to Camp movies over and over again.

10.) Can't cross running water

the jaded viewer says: So if I'm being chased by a vamp and it starts to rain...I'm cool?

11.) Feed on blood or die

the jaded viewer says: Thank goodness for True Blood.

I can't think of the others. Maybe thats all of them. Honestly, all these rules have totally made vamps seriously disadvantaged. If you kill a vamp, it's like their civil rights have been fucked with. I mean yeah they got super human strength, awesome teeth and that living forever thing is kinda neat. But if they go outside, they're pretty much toast.

Blade 2's reapers kinda made some uber vamps a little more scary but the generic vamps are totally screwed. I'm sure we can rewrite some of these dumb rules and come up with a good list that keeps em a little evil and very frightening. Hell, get rid of all these rules and start fresh. I'm sure we can make a better, more intimidating creature of the night.

Finally, I think somebody should make zombies vs vampires. That would be a totally awesome monster PPV right?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Canyon (Review)

The Canyon

The Canyon (2009)

Directed by Richard Harrah

Remember when the Brady Bunch went to visit the Grand Canyon? Wow what an adventure that was. A ghost town, a gold digger, little indian boy in trouble. What a family vacation!

Well, this is totally the opposite.

Lori (Yvonne Strahovski) and Nick (Eion Bailey) are your stereotypical newlyweds who instead of going to Hawaii and getting stalked by killers or going to Mexico to check out some ruins they take a mule ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

You gotta love the dumb, urban couple that tries to take on mother fuckin nature.

Don't worry folks. Nature wins.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A survival story about a honeymooning couple who get lost in the wide expanse of the Grand Canyon.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I've been to the Grand Canyon. It's an awesome place. Full of awe and wonder and really damn hot. But as a kick ass born and bred New Yorker, I for one will never pretend I'm Mr. Survival Man.

So lets condense this badboy into some juicy nuggets of prepackaged info. They consumate the marriage, they hire a eccentric guide, and then they tour uncharted canyon lore.

So lets pretend you're the character Nick in The Canyon and you have to Choose Your Own Adventure, here's some of the choices you may have to make....(spoilers ahead!)

1.) The Grand Canyon is out of hiking permits, do you....

Wait until next year and go have more sex at the motel. Turn to page 63.

Hire an eccentric odd man you meet at the bar to be your guide. Turn to page 2.

2.) You are completely lost in the Grand Canyon, your guide was just bitten by a rattlesnake and has died and you've walked 3 hours in scorching heat. You now are faced with a large mountain in your way.....

Backtrack and reverse course hoping you can make up the time you lost. Turn to page 93.

Say, "Fuck it!". I can climb this mountain. I've seen it on American Gladiators, it didn't look so tough. Hey I might fall and break my leg in a very grotesque fashion, but at least my hot wife can comfort me with her spectacular cleavage. Turn to page 69.

3.) Your leg is now completely broken and you can have your wife do one of two things...

Send her to get help all alone and leave you to probably die a slow and painful death. Turn to page 76.

Have her amputate your leg with a rusty knife (yeah it's going to hurt a fuckin lot). Turn to page 54.

4.) Your wife gets attacked by a pack of hungry, wild coyotes do you....

Help her fight these animals off, sacrificing yourself for her. Turn to page 104.

Pretend your passed out from that unscheduled surgery. Turn to page 48.

5.) After not eating for 3 days, suffering from heat exhaustion and your leg being infected do you...

Die. Turn to page 66.

Die after help turns up. Turn to page 66.

Its a long, slow burn of a movie that like the canyon goes on forever. Best to avoid this movie, book a trip to Arizona and see the real thing.

The Canyon has such big illogics in it, characters that feel blah and many other WTFs. Killer, coyotes?!? Really?

The best part is seeing Yvonne Strahovski's awesome cleavage. Yeah I said it.


Unscheduled leg surgery


Yvonne Strahovski's awesome cleavage

WTF moment

Smart coyotes?!?!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Grand Canyon is an awesome place. It's truly an 8th wonder of the world and everybody should go at least once to the Canyon.

Seeing The Canyon isn't a substitute. It's a waste of 100 minutes. Flip over to the Discovery Channel instead if you wanna see the awesomness.

Or to NBC's Chuck to see Yvonne Strahovski's awesome boobies.

The Canyon was released on DVD yesterday November 17th. It's available via


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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wapakman (Official Trailer)

I don't know how I missed this debut trailer of Wapakman after being overcome with Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao hype over the last few days. But after seeing him demolish Miguel Cotto on Saturday night and retaining the prestige as the best pound for pound boxer in the world, after watching 4 24/7 episodes on HBO and hearing him sing on Jimmy Kimmel, you'd think I'd be all over this (I posted the teaser a while back)

Better late than never, right

Manny Pacquiao is the hero of the Philippines, an athlete who is regarded as the best boxer by all. He's defeated the best of the best. Marquez, Morales, Barerra, De La Hoya, Hatton and now Cotto. And so seeing him battle a hot vixen with supersonic breasts, a lava man and a giant crab should be no problem right?

Wapakman is going to rival any zany or insane Japanese movie with its crazininess. Here be the plot.

Magno is an ordinary man whose world revolves around his five kids while his wife, Magda, works as a nurse in Italy. One night Magno meets an accident. A car crashes into his truck and, upon impact, a big explosion takes place. Miraculously, Magno survives unscathed. The blowup is caused by Walo-walo, an organic substance which stores energy that is almost as powerful as nuclear energy. Soon, he wakes up and feels like a new man. Lighter. Faster. Stronger. Interestingly, his newfound powers start helping him become a better dad. His wish of being faster, smarter and stronger for his family is coming true. He assumes the identity of their favorite superhero - WAPAKMAN!

Soon, Magno learns that Magda has come back to take the kids with her to Italy. Magno wants his family to be together - happy and whole. He doesn't want to let go of the kids. But can he be a good dad in the eyes of his kids and still be a superhero? Magno knows that with Wapakman around the world will be a much safer place for his kids. This is a responsibility he just can not turn away from, but if it means losing his kids ... Can he give up being a superhero if it means saving the world? It is the hardest choice he has ever had to face and he must make a decision. Fast!

Directed by Topel Lee, and also starring Batista (from the WWE) and some other top Filipino stars, the movie is scheduled for release in the Philippines on Christmas Day, December 25th.

Enjoy the awesome trailer courtesy of Twitch.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Shortround: Wade (Review)

Hot off the presses from the jaded viewer inbox of awesomness is a little short entitled Wade. Thanks to director Haynze Whitmore who sent me a screener of the film. After watching the trailers (you can see them all below) I was expecting a zombie exploitation flick. It's a little of both and you can see bits of Ash in the titular character.

Here be the plot.

WADE is a short film about a war hero that has to adapt to a small town after serving years in the armed forces. He takes a job as a bug exterminator and often feels the urge to go head to head combat with the bugs using army artillery. Disaster strikes when a chemical company does illegal spilling of a bizarre toxic waste and begins turning people into the living dead. Wade has to go back to his roots as a solder and save this small town from damnation.

the jaded viewer says: Whitmore filmed this short in Cheboygan, Michigan on what indie film directors call "a shoe string budget". Unfortunately it shows. The grindhouse, staticky feel got my gore adrenaline pumped early on but when we're introduced to Wade, it's hard to like our anti-hero asshole. He's got a scratchy voice, a severe smoking addiction and hates on everyone. As opposed to Ash, who uses humor and sarcasm, Wade comes off a little difficult to like. But I guess that's his charm. Raspy voice, wifebeater and muscle car. That's Wade in a nutshell.

Wade's day as a bug exterminator has him smoke bombing a lady's house, yelling at his GF, drinking the booze and investigating zombie slaughter. The good stuff finally comes in buckets and drum full of top notch gore and splatter. Zombies attack, zombies eat flesh and zombies get capped via headshots. In the shadow of darkness, Whitmore pulls off some good effects that Raimi would applaud. The movie is very surreal as well, combining some over the top performances from the cast with a hoola hooping girl trio music number.

Overall, Whitmore does his best to compact Wade's story into a short of a would be feature film. I am amazed by the drive indie filmmakers have when making their ideas come to life. You have to applaud the effort by Haynze Whitmore and his crew for making dare I say a exploitation/zombie film. It's a first effort that can only get better on the more than likely sequel.

Wade was screened at the Madison Horror Festival and had two nominations and one win at the Terror Film Festival in Philly. Head over to the MySpace site for more information.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Samurai Princess (Trailer and DVD Release)

It's been a while since a featured some crazy Japanese splatter and gore flick. But if there is one to point out, it has to be from the mind of Kengo Kaji, who wrote Toky Gore Police (full review here). Here he wrote and directs Samurai Princess which is just more insanity and gore (with effects from Yoshihiro Nishimura) and starring Aino Kishi and Mihiro, two Japanese AV stars (thats Japanese porn stars for the uninitiated)

With porn stars in the I really need to actually give you plot? OK, see below.

When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades' souls. Transformed into an android, she sets out to avenge their deaths. Dai Mizuno co-stars as the princess's human partner in this Kengo Kaji-directed gore fest that features breast grenades, detachable chainsaw limbs, deadly guitar riffs and more.

Check out the trailer below. The DVD comes out November 17th.

Well now that's over with, I know you wanna see pictures of boobies right?

Aino Kishi's likes are: sex and slaughter

Mihiro's like are: sex and American horror bloggers

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Thread: What's your horror movie idea?

It's Friday the 13th! Don't worry, this is not a Friday the 13th retrospective or anything. But I was thinking some of us (the horror bloggers) have watched a great deal of horror flicks. Some of us are even potential filmmakers. We've all said...I can make a better movie than that!

But really, do we actually have better ideas of what a good horror movie could be? Well I think I do. Hopefully nobody steals my idea, but if they do, please give me some damn credit.

Here is my idea for a flick. I got this inspiration after watching Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (which I ranked #1 in my Top Horror Movies of 2007). I also got some ideas after seeing the teaser posters for Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods. As you can tell from my writing style on my reviews and posts and reviewing Dollhouse, I'm a Whedonaniac. I just like the quirky dialogue and the funny convos and the characters he's written and created.

So my idea is a self aware horror film. What's it called?

It's called "Final Girl".

Basically its about a girl who learns how to defeat slashers (she learns her skills from an aging final girl and this is done via a gratuitous 80s montage) and goes from town to town and kills slasher legends who are killing dumb, oversexed and drug smoking teens.

Sounds generic right?

The twist here is she goes undercover, infiltrates the teens that are being stalked and slaughtered and then unleashes her final girl fury. She knows all the tricks of the trade. Like how to survive by not running aimlessly, she doesn't partake in any vices, she does the research necessary to kill the killer, she listens to the crazy old man and she's seen all the things other final girls have done to avoid death and survive.

Sorta like Buffy, but referencing final girls of other horror films, it'll be totally self aware. Possible winks to the audience of what they know. Everybody has written rules on how to survive a horror movie, but our main final girl will know all these rules and written a few of her own.

Obviously the sequel would be "Final Dude".

Well that's my idea. Now, I'm curious as to what yours would be? Do you have an idea for a horror movie or did you actually make a short or feature? If so, what was the story, the idea?

If you don't want to share because you think somebody will steal it...I totally understand. But if you had an idea for a horror movie that you think people would like to hear...please share.

So what's your story idea horror minions?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Grand Theft Auto 4's Super Duper Megatastic Emporium of Television Awesomeness

Well as much as I like to dissect the horror-sphere, sometimes you need to step out of the horror-verse and take in some laughs, watch a comedy or play a video game. And if there is one video game that takes a scathing look at Americana it's Rockstar Games Grand Theft Auto 4. I've played every version of GTA and loved every minute of it. XBox 360 has 2 downloadable games called The Lost and the Damned and The Ballad of Gay Tony. The parodies, the satire and the over the top violence is a Second Life of virtual awesomeness.

Some of you have heard of the game, probably played it or never even heard of it. But this post is dedicated to the most relaxing part of the game. When your not killing drug dealers, picking up prostitutes or assassinating a target, you can actually watch television.

Yup, you can watch TV in a video game (you can also surf the internet too)

There quite a few shows from the game and the DLCs. You can check out the rest here. But thanks to YouTube, you can view my favorites below.

First up, it's "I'm Rich" on CNT. It's basically a parody of E shows that focus on the super rich.
Seriously, if you haven't seen it before you'll start cracking up. Filled with the crude and the rude, these celebs and richy rich starlets should be mocked and the mocking is uber hilarious. Check it out below.

And my new favorite TV show from GTA 4's The Ballad of Gay Tony is Princess Robot Bubblegum, a full on parody assault of all that is anime. First check out the trailer.

Now watch the entire episode. (Yes this is how you watch it when you play the game)

I hope you got some laughs out of that. The first time I saw that, I laughed myself silly then rewatched it 10 more times. I can rave about the game itself. It really is truly fantastic. Sometimes, I don't even play the game and I watch TV. But after a while, you do get an itch to blow shit up and drive recklessly on the streets of Liberty City.

Too bad you can't do that in real life. Hope that made your Thursday.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Local (Review)

The Local

The Local (2008)

Directed by Dan Eberle

"You begin saving the world by saving one person at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics."

-Charles Bukowski

As a born and raised New Yorker, I've become accustomed to the feel and real of the city. When you walk these streets and live and work in the canyon of skyscrapers, you can easily separate the tourists from the tried and true.

Somehow, Dan Eberle has pulled off the impossible. He's made an indie film that takes the seedy side of the glamour of the city and actually makes it glamourous. What does that actually mean?

With The Local, Eberle tells the story of the commoner, the people who don't visit the city for a week but who live here, work here and have to survive here when they have nothing. There are alot of people who fit this description in NYC. The average joes, the joey bronx, the johnny brooklyns and the nonames. It's fitting that Eberle plays the character Noname. You just feel like you know a guy like him, his troubles, the shit he's been through and that's why The Local works.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The Local follows Noname, an enigmatic man running from a tortured past. He is trapped in a violent Brooklyn underworld as the lowly drug runner for a gang of crazed veterans. There, Noname is approached by a wealthy out-of-towner who offers him a large sum of money to "rescue" the man's heroin-addicted daughter from his employer's drug lair. Noname soon realizes that saving the girl is more than a payday. It will grant him a way out of his purgatory after a lifetime of wrongdoing, and open a path toward personal redemption.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Dan Eberle who stars as Noname also wrote and directed The Local. Originally written as a novel after Eberle read The Post Office by Charles Bukowski, it has many of the Bukowski-isms but also has some notable differences. You can see the similarities of a Hank Chinaski in Noname but whereas Chinaski barflies, Noname is clean.

I love Bukowski's novels, poems and writings. So The Local naturally felt right. It was like watching Factotum or a Bukowski poem in filmatic motion. The movie is indeed a slow burn even for its 90 min runtime. Most of the early scenes are Noname GTA-ing on a variety of drug dealing missions, meeting his clients and getting his ass kicked by the local kingpins of the Brooklyn underground.

What makes The Local a step above the indie film is its docu-style of NYC. Whereas big budget productions would "clean up" NYC, The Local keeps it gritty, uncouth and real. Walks through cinematic wastelands, subway rides on above and below ground trains and safehouse drug dens that would make Claude from GTA 3 squeamish.

I can't help but smile when I see a movie that is shot in this way. The streets of Brooklyn are almost a character in itself and it's like your watching a different world from the one you've seen via Hollywood.

The Local is unsanitized cinema, full of brutal hard truths learned one punch in the face at a time.

Noname (Eberle), who looks like a cross between Mickey Rourke and John "You can't see me" Cena is classically the anti-hero who you can't help but sympathize with. The circle he rolls with are very colorful. From a hipster turned dealer Blueboy (Beau Allulli) to the king of kingpins Big Black (Paul Bowen) and his lieutenants, they are there to either help our Johnny Local or beat the living crap out of him.

The movie can't help that the first 30-40 min is following downtrodden Noname as he lives his very fucked up life. Some will say its a slow burn, boring to a point. But I've been accustomed to that as a Bukowski fan. You need walk in those metaphorical shoes and seeing Noname stumble and crumble gets your empathy gene jacked up. Ironically, Noname is not a local, but somehow becomes one over the course of the movie.

Later, Noname is approached with a deal of a lifetime. Rescue the damsel drugged up daughter (Maya Ferrara) in distress from Big Black and get $5 Gs. The tension and suspense is built up and you really get the feeling all is hopeless as we head down to the last 15 min. Maybe revenge served cold? Guns a blazing? Hmmm. The payoff that's executed is less than stellar but somehow works when the redemption message plays out.

I really liked the film in that I'm a big fan of the works of the Bukowskis and the John Fantes. It's not going to be to everybodys liking but as far as indie crime and grime dramas go, it's pretty solid. Think Taxi Driver lite.

Dan Eberle is a filmmaker to watch out for. Here's hoping he stays true to the scene and themes he created for The Local. Let me leave you with one final Bukowski quote:

“There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.”


Related Linkage:
Official Site

Buy it now at

Check out the trailer.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Shortround: Fireman (Short)

Thank the prophets for the country north of the border. Canada keeps churning out great little tidbits of awesomeness and this one is in the form of fake 1980s grindhouse VHS like movie trailers. Part of the Astron-6 collective of Winnipeg, Adam Brooks, director of Fireman just won the the top prize in the Winnipeg Short Film Massacre.

You can view the faux trailer below. You can see the Maniac Cop and grindy grindhouse smell of fire burning from here. So many quotey quotables in this one. I have to say I liked it. Brooks and company have done their homework and it shows. Here's hoping we see The Postal Worker or The Ambulance Driver as the sequel.

Check all the other Astron-6 trailers by heading here.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Wrong Turn 3 (Review)

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

Directed by Declan O'Brien

In the first few minutes of Wrong Turn 3, we get full grade A boobies, pot smoking and ocular trauma. You gotta give a film its props for following all the cliches of a cannibal redneck horror film in its initial opening scene.

But that's where it slowly tumbles downhill. But that's not to say the tumble isn't fun. The thing about Wrong Turn 3 is your enjoying yourself while all the characters start dropping one by one. At the bottom of the hill however is a pile of corpses and you can't believe you actually witnessed this stinking pile of crap.

The funny part is I like the Wrong Turn series. Eliza Dushku and my favorite forgotten horror hottie Lindy Booth are in the original. Plus I ranked Wrong Turn 2 #7 on my Top Horror Movies of 2007. So in all likelyhood I'm gonna have to grade this film on a fucked up curve.

So horror minions, it's a review where I answer the burning questions you probably want to know before you see this or if you've already witnessed this semi atrocity, you want to hear the obvious questions answered in the most ridiculous way possible.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of people find themselves trapped in the backwoods of West Virginia, fighting for their lives against a group of vicious and horribly disfigured inbred cannibals.

(that sounds so familiar..doesn't it?)

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK, let's play Who Wants to see a redneck cannibal movie?!?

1.) So have we seen this before?

Yuppers. And I reviwed plenty of these flicks. See Dismal: Eat or be Eaten, The Cottage, Dying Breed, Gnaw and Offspring.

2.) Is Three Fingers back in this one?

Yah dude. And in this one he's like mega indestructable. I mean this hillybilly can survive gunshots to the chest, hooks to the brain and sharp poles in the stomach. WTF?!? Are their druids involved? Is his heart made out of black ooze? Does he control dream demons?

3.) I heard the plot is about of convicts and correction officers that have to survive against Three is there nudity in this?

Aside from the opening scene and some dead victim boobage, that sums up your Nude-ipedia.

4.) The token black guy totally dies tokenly...right?

Dude. Was there any doubt?

5.) I heard from another review that there are some Saw like kills in this flick. I love Saw so I'm going to put this on top of my Netflix que right after I search for porn. Is this true?

Correct-o-mundo. Here be your Gore-ipedia. I'm not sure how its possible for a redneck, cannibal inbred motherfucker to design Jigsaw like traps. I mean he's got a slice and dice trap, a sickle boobie trap, some wooden spikes trap and a barbwire type thingy. Who the fuck is this guy? Does he go to engineering school for trap making for the hideously deformed?

6.) So after watching the trailer, there seems to be some awesome splatter and gore. I like splatter and gore because I'm mentally unstable. Does that mean I'll like WT3?

Well Mr. Unstable, I thought some of the gore scenes were pretty solid. Ocular trauma, pole in the mouth, pole in the mouth exiting out of the anus, road barbwire trauma. But the movie includes the WORST FUCKIN CGI I have seen...well since Dismal: Eat or be Eaten. Did these movies go the the 99 cents store of CGI? It's almost laughable...well because it is laughable.

7.) I heard from my friend's mother's uncle's half brother's priest's cousin once removed roommate that there is a scene of Convict vs Redneck ultimate battle? Really?

Yeah it almost as bad as watching the Yankees vs Phillies in the World Series.

8.) The NAACP told me this film is racist and sexist. I'd like to know. Is it?

Well you got a Mexican convict, a white skinhead and a convict that probably should be on to Catch a Predator...oh yeah all the white people all yeah its racist and sexist. Plus the portrayal of inbred, cannibal redneck Americans from West Virgina isn't true at all. They only say that only a few West Virginians are inbred, cannibal rednecks. Let's clear up the facts. West Virginia accounts for all 100% inbred, cannibal rednecks in America. So the point is you should never EVER go to West Virginia...or you will die.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

C'mon know the answer to your own question.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Wow. The film throws a happy ending than explodes a WTF moment ending right after. I've never seen such balls to initiate a wildly ambiguous ending to warrant a sequel.

If you have any other questions, go and ahead and comment and I'll answer them in the most sarcastic and preposterous way possible.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So I'm going to give this 2 spinkicks. Remember, I'm grading on a curve. It's only 90 minutes and somehow spawned logic questions of..."How did Three Fingers survive a hook to the head, getting burned alive and then somehow getting ahead of the speeding getaway car?".

Yes horror minions, it's so dumb and stupid you probably will loose a few brain cells watching Wrong Turn 3. It's like moonshine on celluloid. But that doesn't stop us from taking a swig of this foul tasting concoction.


Check out the trailer.

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Friday, November 06, 2009

2009 NYC Horror Film Festival (Featured Films)

Well October is over but for us New Yorkers, the horror keeps screaming. Just announced is the lineup for the NYC Horror Film Festival that takes place from November 18th to the 22nd.

Here's some snippers from the official press release.

The NYCHFF will take place November 18 - 22, 2009 and will be held at the Tribeca Cinemas, located at 54 Varick Street at Canal Street . The NYCHFF’s Kick-Off Gala will take place on November 18 at 8:00pm at BLVD (Spring & Bowery) and will feature five bands, 20 short films, complimentary cocktails and more.

Programming for the festival includes more than 50 horror and Sci-fi feature and short films, parties, and panel discussions.

The festival’s 2009 feature film presentations are:

Cornered (Feature / Horror)

Directed by Daniel Maze

A serial killer is stalking the gritty streets of Los Angeles . It’s all over the news, but that doesn’t stop the crew at a local convenience store from their weekly poker game. Now, trapped inside the store with a deranged killer the group must fight to make it through the night alive. Stars Steve Guttenberg, James Duval and the hysterical Ellia English.

Must Love Death (Feature / Horror / Comedy)

Directed by Andreas Schaap

Disappointed by love and suicidal people, Norman arranges to meet a group of like-minded people. But when he arrives at the meeting the alleged suicides goes very wrong and hilarity and blood start to flow freely.

Sweatshop (Feature / Horror)

Directed by Stacy Davidson

A group of rave promoters decide to throw a party in an enormous vacant factory... But when the oversexed friends throw back a few drinks and begin setting up, they soon realize, a beastly all-seeing presence resides in this enormous place, and it drags a mammoth, inhuman weapon that serves only one purpose: to end the lives of anyone who trespasses here.

The Revenant (Feature / Horror / Comedy)

Directed by D. Kerry Prior

Officer First Class Bart Gregory is killed while fighting in Middle East . His body is shipped back to the United States and laid to rest, but before the lid can be put on his tomb, Bart inexplicably awakens in his coffin and climbs from his grave; A Vampire? A Zombie? No…..A Revenant! Now, this average guy must feed on human blood or rot away.

Nosferatu; Orlok The Vampire in 3D!! (Feature / Retrospective)

Directed by F.W. Munarau

This classic 1921 silent film Directed by F.W. Murnau and staring the immortal Max Shriek as Count Orlok is reborn completely restored, remastered and brought back to life in gorgeous 3D. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for film fans to see one of the greatest and one most recognizable classic silent horror films in 3D on the big screen!

Maidenhead (Feature / Horror / Art House)

Directed by Jim Spanos

Poor Martin doesn’t have much of a life. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, he hasn’t been sleeping well, and he still lives at home... with his father, who is an obnoxious, bloodthirsty monster strapped to a bed. Did we mention he isn’t sleeping well? Martin (AJ Bowen of House of the Devil and The Signal) spends his days going numbly about the business of tending to his Dad’s grisly needs. Every day is just like the last, until Martin meets an innocent church-going girl named Meredith, who gives him hope of something more. But what about Dad?

The Shadow Within (Feature / Horror / Ghost)

Directed by Silvana Zancolo

In a gloomy and sinister atmosphere, little Maurice Dumont can’t escape his infernal reality. Dominated by an inhuman mother who rejects him, an absent father and the ghost of his brother who refuses to die. In a claustrophobic overwhelming environment, obsessed by dead and living presences, Maurice seems to have no way out, as death silently creeps into his old gothic house.

Maniac (Feature / Retrospective & Achievement Award)

Directed by Willaim Lustig

This 1980 grindhouse classic is back on the big screen! Starring Joe Spinell as the deranged Frank Zito. Frank is an embittered loser who talks to himself and his dead mother, stalks a pretty model (legend Caroline Munro), and spends his spare time brutally murdering and scalping women. A pristine 35 mm print will screen as part of this Lifetime Achievement Award program dedicated to Director / Producer William Lustig.

William Lustig Lifetime Achievement Award

As a kid, auteur William Lustig avidly watched a huge volume of lowdown trashy exploitation fare on 42nd Street ’s grindhouse theaters. Working way through the film business, Lustig found himself at the center of a storm of controversy when he made the grim, and gory landmark horror film "Maniac" which boasts an incredibly intense performance by legendary character actor Joe Spinell and hideously graphic make-up f/x by horror icon Tom Savini. Lustig followed up with the tough, gritty and exciting urban revenge thiller "Vigilante." He delivered another winner with the terrific "Maniac Cop," and the series follow ups 2 & 3, Hit List"and the suspenseful serial killer thriller "Relentless" all excellent and entertaining. Lustig's last film as a director was the nifty fright flick "Uncle Sam." William Lustig has also produced a staggering 84 films and TV projects to date. He went on to create the distribution company Blue Underground that lovingly restores and puts out some of the best classic genre films of all time!

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (Feature / Horror)

Directed by Frank Sabatella

Long Island, 1978: A young girl named Mary Mattock gruesomely murders her family and is locked away at the notorious Kings Park Psychiatric Center . Ten years later Mary escapes, leaving a grizzly wake of bodies and blood. Gunned down by the police, Mary meets her own demise outside the sanitarium walls. This incident gave birth to the legend of Mary Hatchet’s walking ghost and the mischievous night named in honor of her death, BLOOD NIGHT! Starring genre favorites Bill Moseley and Danielle Harris, Blood Night puts a neck-breaking spin on the gory and gut wrenching slasher films of the 80’s.

For more information and tickets, visit the festival’s website:

I'm very excited to see The Revenant though I wouldn't mind seeing Maniac on the big screen for that shotgun blast to the head scene. If your in the NYC area, I would suggest trying to see one of these films...maybe I'll even see you there.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Wonderful Crapiness of Chiller TV

As a Time Warner Cable inmate, I actually never knew this channel existed. I never had Direct TV so when this channel launched I was clueless. But as I was talking to Insano Steve as we tried to find Versus on both our satellite and cable systems, I soon stumbled upon Chiller.

Who let the wondercrapness out!?! Woot! Woot!

Seems I've been missing out on all the crapawesomeness of Chiller.

John Carpenter's Vampires! Vampires: The Turning! Bloodrayne! Sleepwalkers! Tales from the Crypt:Demon Knight and Bordello of Blood! Tales from the Hood!

WTF!??! I've missed out on all this craptastic coolshitty flicks!

And megahorriblegood TV series air on Chiller TV too. Can you freakin believe it? I've missed out on such classics as:

Millenium! Hex! Friday the 13th: The Series! The Embraced! and Freakylinks!!! Yes Freakylinks!

OK sarcasm aside, this is an actual shock to my jaded system. I honestly never heard of this channel. Aside from The Horror Channel, I thought an actual horror TV channel were myths and urban legends. I'm really not sure what to make of this. Are the movies edited or uncut? Do they show the complete seasons of these TV shows? Is Twilight Zone on all the time?

Whose actually watched something on this channel? C'mon horror guys and gals, confess already. Have you actually watched this channel?

On Direct TV its channel 257.
On Dish Network its channel 199.
On Time Warner Cable its channel 102.

There tagline says "Dare to Watch". Hmm I'll take that challenge. OMG! They show Twin Peaks. I am now hooked on this craptastic channel.