Friday, January 30, 2009

Isle of the Damned (Review)

Isle of the Damned

Isle of the Damned (2008)

Directed by Mark Colegrove

Sometimes the legends get parodied into oblivion.

Think about it. George A. Romero, the living legend maestro of zombie films made a half ass zombie pseudo diary flick while in comparison zombie horror comedies are scoring hit after hit.

The same can be said about the cannibal genre. Before his death, Italian Ed Wood, Bruno Mattei was generating badly made homage after homage to the king Ruggero Deodato and his infamous Cannibal Holocaust films.

And the parody was sometimes as entertaining as the cannibal film it was making fun of.

So we didn't wait too long until we Americans made our own. And I gotta admit, I let out a few LOL's while I watched Isle of the Damned, Dire Wit's new film parody of cannibal movies.

Isle of the Damned is a funny flick, going 10.0 on the parody Richter scale and is so knowledgable of its source material that it mocks the mockery of the cannibal flick by making fun of the best scenes the subgenre has to offer.

It's a sketch comedy come to life, where the viewer becomes the viewee and makes some ha ha's for the little community. It would probably have worked way better if it was 3 minutes and viewed on YouTube (probably could have garnered a jillion views by now).

Because I have to say 80 minutes is a bit much for an entire mock of a genre most people haven't watched.

But the low budget production values are actually impressive. And the jokes are like the presents Jokey Smurf had Brainy Smurf open.

It does get kinda repetitive, but for some unknown reason I couldn't stop laughing.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In Antonello Giallo's follow up to the notorious Pleasures of the Damned, private investigator Jack Steele is hired by a mysterious treasure hunter to help find the lost treasure of Marco Polo. Along for the trip is Jack's adopted son, Billy.

Their search brings them to an island off the coast of Argentina... and into the clutches of a primitive cannibal tribe, the Yamma Yamma.
Alexis Kinkaid, a mysterious recluse who has made his home on the island amongst the cannibals, may hold the key to unlocking the island's secret... if they don't end up in the belly of a savage first!

Isle of the Damned, originally released in Italy in 1980, brought Giallo under fire yet again by the Italian government, who were outraged by the shocking and real scenes of primitive tribal rituals and cannibalism portrayed in the film. The film has been long out of print, but is presented here in a digitally remastered form.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The mocks Isle of the Damned savagely scalp at in this parody are the best the top cannibal movies.

Here's a few they rip apart.

1.) The Deodato folklore is parodied as we "uncover" Antonello Giallo's long lost cannibal film which he was prosecuted by the Italian government for.

2.) The castration scene from Cannibal Ferox

3.) Jack Steele's fake mustached, Magnum PI glasses is a whole mock of all 70's final dudes

4.) Ridiculous scenes of wildlife (rhino, crocs, spiders, rabbits, snakes, etc.) plus a few yuckies of pseudo animal abuse and torture (ala Cannibal Holocaust)

5.) Alexis Kincaid, the Dr. Moreau like anthropologist who states the declaration "We are the savages, not the cannibals" motto (ala Jungle Holocaust)

6.) Cain the silent "Last Dragon", Bruce Lee parody

7.) Brain eating (like in Cannibal Ferox)

8.) The bad dubbing and staticky look of the film are as 70s grindhouse homages

9.) The infamous pole torture (from Cannibal Holocaust)

10.) An actual piranha scene (this was a scene that Deodato never completed in Holocaust)

The characters are bit extremy with our main dude Jack Steele, his ward Billy, Cain our kung fooey former Japanese assassin and the main baddy Harold who will do anything to find the gold of Marco Polo.

Kincaid gives the civilized vs savage speech and the dialogue is cleverly ridiculous.

Some unheterosexual moment parodies are a little goofy, breaking the non stop tone of the flick and a mute on mute relationship seemed just fuckin dumb.

A gratuitous sodomy ritual made up for some of the jokes that didn't work.

Aside from that, it's the ridiculousness of the cannibal movie itself that sometimes doesn't even need to be made fun of. White guys pretending to be cannibals is funny to a point.

But all in all, Isle of the Damned actually was gut wretchingly well done for a $20k dollar budget. It's full of edited swipes, clock fades and bad static.

It's these little things that made this YouTube millenial turd smell all flowery.

A lot of pretend moviemakers are YouTubing their own movies, but the guys and girls and Dire Wit made something pretty entertaining.

Because I'm really getting sick of seeing bad trailers of popular movies that these kids are making these days.

I'll be definitely checking in on what these guys are up to in the future. But please don't make a zombie parody. We've had waaaay to much of that of late.

Seriously guys, don't do zombies. Please.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Face peeling
Intestinal munching
Brain eating
Hand decaps
Leg decaps
Wooden spike trauma
Piranha bloody water torture
Cannibal slaughter
Feces eating
Knife assing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Some white "cannibal" boobies

WTF moment

Sodomy ritual for cowards

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's a B or even C movie. The 21st century is still alive with dudes with a camera who make flicks and then go to a Chiller convention and hock it to the masses.

Fuck, I've gone to the same Chiller convention and bought these flicks. And I know it's because these guys love making movies for people like me.

Indie parodies are a rare subgenre, but kudos to the people who make em and make em good.

Just don't make that zombie parody. Seriously, don't.

Check out the official site here and the MySpace page.


The Trailer

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Yatterman (Trailer)

Takashi Miike heads to NY Comic Con this year to premiere Yatterman, his new film based on a Japanese anime of the same name.

So what's the hype all about?

Why would Miike come all the way to America to show us this insanity of this live action cartooney craziness before the manga and anime loving otaku's of his homeland?

Because from the trailer below, it's something us geeky American nerds, comic lovers and manga and anime obsessed Ameri-taku's are going to love as well.

For the uninformed, the plot is below.

A mysterious gem called the "Skull Stone" said to be able to reveal the location of the largest vein of gold in the world. This legend has entranced many people who wanted to get their hands on fame, power and wealth, including the Dorombo Gang. However, their hunt for the Skull Stone is not as easy as they imagined, mainly due to the faulty information they receive from their leader; and most of all, by a justical duo of pursuers called the "Yatterman".

And plus there is a gigantic robot dog!!!

What else do you need?

Damn that theme song is catchy too.

Check out the trailer.

Yatterman comes out March 7th in Japan but Feb 7th in NY. Check out the official site.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten (Review)

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten (2008)

Directed by Gary King

What kind of rating do you give to a movie that falls into it's so bad, it's good enough to be MST3K-ed and thus makes it funny enough to watch?

1 and half spinkicks? 2 spins? 2 and half?

Because that's how I felt about how I had to rate Dismal.

You'll see what I gave it at the end of this review.

Dismal: Eat or be Eaten is like a Dharma Initiative can labeled "HORROR MOVIE (WITH EXTRA CANNIBALS)".

It's so cliched, so generic, so assembly line produced, that it would have been tossed into the used DVD bin and be lost forever. Thank goodness the DVD I got was free.

Dismal is mix of Hatchet and the Hills Have Eyes. You've seen it all before. If it looks and tastes like canned peas. It's fuckin peas.

But what happens when instead of you seeing all green peas, they made some red peas, or blue peas or yellow peas. Wouldn't you chuckle just a little bit? Seeing M&M peas would make laugh.

And that's why as I watched I went all Tom Servo and Crow on this mess of a flick and it actually made this hilariously decent.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What does a girl have to do to pass science class? Stay alive!

Dana can’t afford to fail, so she goes on a field trip with other college students
to the Great Dismal Swamp. While Dana and her tasty friends are looking for extra credit, terrifying swamp cannibals are looking for dinner.

Eat or be eaten!

Horror is served hot and steamy with a side order of sick in DISMAL.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The simple cliched review is to do the pun on words and say Dismal was absolutely dismal. But it actually wasn't. The production value is highly low but the film itself was filled with some nice visuals, hot looking hotties and some mean looking makeup effects.

The CGI special effects on the other hand were hilariously bad. So bad I was cracking up at the sight of them. But we'll get to that in sec.

So for this review, we'll use the checklist I used for my review of Hatchet.

Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooeyness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Dismal achieve everything on this list?

1.) A mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher.

Check. (plus he has a undercover papa whose equally fucked up)

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?


3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?


3a.) Are you telling me there's a brunette kick ass final girl, a blonde bimbo, a nerdy kid, a slutty whore and a token black guy?

Yes. I mean check.

4.) No Plot?


5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Semi check. (Well they didn't make me go "Fuck yeah", more like "HAHAHAHAHHA. That's fuckin funny")

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Semi check.

OK here is where the death scenes become uber ridiculous as most of our kills are done with really bad CGI. I mean these were done on like Windows 98 using Paint.

1.) Token black guy gets "hooked" in the mouth.
2.) Slutty whore gets her feet "bear trapped" off (yet she doesn't scream?) and then gets her face bear trapped.
3.) Blonde bimbo gets steel wired sliced in half (the CGI on this is soooooo fuckin bad that I was literally on the floor laughing uncontrollably)
4.) Nerdy guy gets his arm cut off

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Semi check. (Hot girl actually doesn't know about the legend)

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. (But this movie is probably way awesomer when your stoned)

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?


10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?


As I keep saying it's all generic. You know, couple has sex, they die. A run and trip girl gets caught in a highly complicated trap that no way a inbred redneck could possibly devise and dies. Random twist inserted for no reason whatsover.

I did mention the CGI was hilariously bad right? There are two scenes that make this milk coming out of your nose funny. One is a shotgun blast by our final girl where you see CGI blood oozing out from the fake CGI hole of our would be redneck slasher. The other scene is a supposed explosion of a cabin. The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera.

But the filmmakers had to know it would look cheesy. So I'm gonna take it as such. And this is why Dismal will get 2 spinkicks. 1 spinkick for following generic slasher cliches with gratuitous nudity and 1 spinkick for the extra, would you like more Velveeta cheesy CGI effects.

Dismal is Hatchet's handicapped little brother who has a speech impediment. It does what it set out to do. Be funny, entertaining and outright ridiculous.

And peas, even deformed, colorful M&M peas taste good.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Token black guy gets "hooked" in the mouth
Slutty whore gets her feet "bear trapped" off and then gets her face bear trapped
Blonde bimbo gets steel wired sliced in half
Nerdy guy gets his arm cut off

Horrible CGI gunshot to the stomach
Burnt beyond recog
Slice and stab
Human Heart
Wooden spike death

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Slutty whore boobs and ass
Lots of belly skin

WTF moment

The really fake looking slice and dice death scene of blonde bimbo

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is not a good movie by any means. But what happens when the movie is so bad, that you start to enjoy it because it's unintentionally funny. The "It's so bad, it's good" category of horror movies is very hard to rate. The first one that comes to mind is Snakes on a Plane which I ranked as #7 on my Top Horror Movies of 2006.

So after much thought, Dismal warrants 2 spinkicks. It's too bad MSt3K is gone and couldn't get their hands on this flick. Tom Servo and Crow would have a total field day on Dismal.


The Trailer

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Adam Green's arieScope Pictures (Shorts)

Adam Green's (the man behind Hatchet) production company, ArieScope Pictures has developed so far some awesome flicks. Hatchet, Spiral and the recently premiered at Sundance Grace are receiving uber coolness reviews.

But I recently got to check out a few of the shorts him and his team have created on YouTube.

And I've got to say, they are fuckin funny.

Some have the horror vibe, others are ridiculously clever ha ha's. I'm hooked on some Ariescope joints. Now I got the munchies.

Check out a few of the mega LOL shorts that made nose milk.

The Tivo

King in the Box

The Tiffany Problem

Monday, January 26, 2009

Wild Country (Review)

Wild Country

Wild Country (2005)

Directed by Craig Strachan

When you have turn on the English subs for an English language movie, aye mate, this is going to be eh fuckin hell of a movie.

Well invoke Braveheart, because the Scots seem to be monopolizing the werewolf genre. Oops. I just ruined the entire movie for you. That's ok, because I saved you 70 minutes.

Wild Country is a step above Sci-Fi channel-ish quality. With mucho gracias gore and blood, a backdrop of the Scottish woodlands and teenager fodder to be killed, it was watchable enough to be somewhat interesting.

So by ruining it for you I saved you so you didn't have to see gratuitous running, dull kill scenes, more running and more duller kill scenes.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

16 year-old Kelly Ann gives birth to a baby boy, which is immediately given up for adoption. Six weeks later, trying to get over the emotional upset, she goes on an overnight hike with her church youth group.

The group is joined by 18-year-old Lee, the father of Kelly Ann’s baby. Kelly Ann isn’t pleased to see him. The rest of the group get worried when Kelly Ann starts thinking she hears a baby crying on the moors. But they do indeed find a baby abandoned in a ruined castle.

As they hike back to take the baby to safety, the group is stalked by a wild beast that picks them off one by one.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Made 3 years after Neil Marshall's Dog Soldiers (who did Wild Country's effects), one of the best werewolf movies made on either side of the Atlantic, it seems the Scottish have a werewolf fetish. And thats the shadow that Wild Country eventually falls into. It can't match Dog Soldiers pinnacle chaotic awesomeness and falls into the teenage monster used DVD bin.

Kelly Ann is our final girl, who with her dorky uncomprehensible, Scot heavy accented friends are camping out in the Glasgow woodlands. They are brought to the woods by Father Steve, a most unusual priest for some R&R youth ministry-ing.

As our Scottish scoobies toss around Scottish slang, they soon realized something is hunting them. We soon get our generic, Grade B munching wolf kills. Beheads, ripped throats, intenstinal rippage.

The gore is gore-verage. Blah Blooh Blah. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I found myself snoozing through some of the most ridiculous cliches scenes of carnage.

And splatter cliches o plenty come up.

Lots of running and falling down. I mean tie your shoelaces mate. Other clich o matics were flashlight scares, quick cuts and the gratuitous semi twist ending.

Only one scene actually registered on the gore Richter scale has a poor schmuck have half his body ripped apart by our wolf beast.

And boy is our wolf-bear monster thing look like it was bought at a 99 cents store.

The quick shots at night as our fodder run away are effective but once daylight hit and we got see what the hunting manimal was, it looked mega super duper cheap.

It was like a cross between a grizzly, a wolf and a really fugly looking dog. The effects are all done el natural, without the aide of CGI. But here it looks mega weird and plasticy. I mean there were better effects in an episode of Buffy then there are here.

As we get to our max conclusion and ending, I was hoping we'd get some bang for our buck. Something different. Some big last howl to kick this up a notch. But the only howl at the end was me howling in pain wishing this movie was over.

If I want to see nature gone wild or man vs beast, I'll hit up National Geographic or *gasp* a Sci Fi Channel original movie.

At least I can MST3K those flicks into something somewhat watchable.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Arterial throat slayage
Ripped neck hemmoraging
Intenstine spewage
Monster munching
Ripped apart body attack
Cow explosion

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Breastfeeding (does that even count?)

WTF moment

The semi twist ending which made me smack my head in stupidity because I saw it coming, then actually said "Nah, they not gonna end the movie like that, that would be too obvious". But then they ended the movie like that which was so fuckin obvious.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The choice is clear.

If you're going to see one Scottish werewolf movie this year. See.............

Dog Soldiers.

The fact I ruined it for you by just saying this movie is about werewolves has pretty much ruined the ending for you.

My bad. But trust me that's actually good for you.


Watch the trailer here. Check out the official site.

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Friday, January 23, 2009

3D Eyeballs are FRAKIN cool

Do you remember the scene above? It was in Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D. Jason squeezes some poor schmuck's head and his eyeball goes flying out in 3D gooeyness.

C'mon, you know it. It's the fuckin most memorable scene in Part 3. Besides the harpoon, the flaming iron, the yo yo and the stick.

I believe Part 3 is one of the best of the series. He gets his mask, the kills are all set up to be in gratuitous 3D and we get the "last scare" ending. Good times.

So as a horror automaton, I too will have to venture and watch My Bloody Valentine: 3D.

I keep hearing that the movie sucks but its "fun". Whatever that means.

So I'll let you know how it goes as the hype has hit me likes a bad case of SARS.

A possible review to come (if I feel like it)

I love the vintage 3D trailer with all the 3D kill scenes all blended in. This trailer is eerily similar to the remake one. Weird.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Rewind: Man Bites Dog (Trailer)

I've been watching horror movies for well over 20 years. And I went through a big indie movie period as a teenager where I wanted to see totally obscure flicks...sorta going all Jarmuschy.

One of the flicks that sticks with me is a French horror-omedy called Man Bites Dog.

Shot in a docustyle, it follows a serial killer named Ben who has a camera crew documenting his life.

It's so disturbing and sick and fuckin revolting, that you want to watch more.

This is one of the first movies that gained instant cultness in my book. Everybody who calls themselves a jaded viewer should see this.

Check out the trailer below.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Leif Jonker's Darkness (Review)


Darkness (1993)

Directed by Leif Jonker

[review was originally at Aylmer's Grisly Grimey Page of Unspeakable Horror, circa 1999]

Darkness has a tagline "Even the dead will scream". For the people who've watched this film it should go "The Alive will laugh". Darkness is a low budget, amateurish vampire gorefest by Leif Jonkers. So with a name like that you'd expect it to be good.

It's not all that bad if you view it under the constraints and guidelines of horror-core. (The state in which all horror movies that gross you out should be viewed under). The opening scene has a guy getting his head blown off in a convenience store and a trench coat mafia wannabe taking the helm as he leads some bewildered kids against the killer vampires.

One scene has a chainsaw frenzy in which various vampires lose limbs at 2 seconds at a time. However when the story gets in the way of the gore you're just asking for some negative feedback. The movie is mostly made of kids running away, vampires catching up and getting messy with art supply red paint and Hines ketchup and showing what horror core movies can do to the unsuspecting low tolerance movie goer. You do need a stomach to view the film but it's nothing a beer and a Dominoes pizza can't fix.

The final scene has an army of vampires march into the sun and melt away, topping off the bloody and seemingly never ending gruesome destruction of the vamps.

Throughout the film I was guessing which hero or vampire was Leif Jonkers. Vampires in the mid western states may sound outrageous but it goes to show you sick minds everywhere are selling their souls to make a decent horror-core movies.

Rating: [out of 4]

The Trailer

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Friday, January 16, 2009

Tokyo Gore Police (Review)

Tokyo Gore Police

Tokyo Gore Police aka Tôkyô zankoku keisatsu (2008)

Directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura

I made a mistake. The Machine Girl ended up as #7 on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008. Tokyo Gore Police should be there instead.

Actually it should probably be in the top 5. But alas, what's done is done. I can't go ahead and change the list. I mean I'm one of those people that once its posted, its set in stone.

Let's just have TGP and Machine Girl as co-#7's. Cool?

I'm giving TGP 4 fuckin spinkicks. It's 100 times more awesomer than The Machine Girl even taking a crack at it during the movie.

I went into seeing TGP as maybe another Machine Girl. But my expectations were blown away (like many heads). This is the Japanese equivalant of Hong Kong's the Story of Riki Oh, filled with the splatter and gore so over the top, so gushingly gratuitous, so arterial spraying magnificent that one can only wonder if this will EVER be topped.

It works on so many levels. We've got Ruka the hot police officer killing some mutant ass, a plot that actually made sense and the title definitely living up to the flick.

My thing is I've seen the Ichi, Machine Girl, Tetsuo and other crazy Japanese cinema. I'm as jaded as they come when it comes to the Japanese underground flicks. So when I say I was thrilled by everything in TGP, seeing more totally weird and fucked up shit every few minutes, it's saying something.

It's saying this was insanely insane with an atomic bomb of insanity.

Good times.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Set in a future-world vision of Tokyo where the police have been privatized and bitter self-mutilation is so casual that advertising is often specially geared to the "cutter" demographic, this is the story of samurai-sword-wielding Ruka and her mission to avenge her father's assassination. Ruka is a cop from a squad who's mission is to destroy homicidal mutant humans known as "engineers" possessing the ability to transform any injury to a weapon in and of itself.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Tokyo Gore Police will draw comparisons to Robocop. Both have the central plot points of a police that has been privatized and a criminal element that has taken over the city. Also, TGP squeezes in some hilarious "pro" Tokyo Police Corporation PSA's and commercials.

These include Toky Police Corporation PSA, Wrist Cutter G commercial, Samurai Sword "It Cuts!" commercial, a torture Wii parody commercial and a student recruitment video.

All show up randomly throughout the flick and are great ha ha's during the 110 minute gorefest.

Ruka (Audition's Eihi Shiina) is our beautiful, sexy, wristcutting cop whose job is to track down "engineers", mutant humans who once they get sliced or diced regenerate the missing limb into a bioweapon.

And people do lose limbage. Part of the joy was to see what weapon their missing appendage would regenerate into. The prosthetics and home grown rubbery latex may be cheesy, but I'll take that over CGI any day.

The movie follows Ruka as she eliminates these engineers eventually leading her to battle the leader called"The Keyman". The Keyman is key (sorry I couldn't resist) to the plot of who our true mastermind behind the mayhem is.

In a nod to Kill Bill, the keyman explains the real deal through comic storyboards. It's a clever way to reveal the motives and get that pesky plot out of the way so we can get to more splatter.

But lets face it, it's the gore and splatter than dominate. TGP is non stop. I mean freakin non stop when it comes to scenes of arterial spraying, sword slicing and blood on the lens. It's so frenetic that every scene was pure, magnificent Grade A carnage. And the splatter wasn't just a slice and dice every time. Each bloodletting was a little different, a little unique from the others.

Each scene was a carefully constructed artistic piece of splatter and gore. A gunshot blasting open a head, a chainsaw to the face, sword play cutting a body in two, a metal pole thru the mouth and in one glorious piece of gore-ific cinema, Ruka cuts a subway groper's hands with her sword and his arms arterial spray in Matrix-like slo mo as Ruka walks away, under umbrella as it rains blood.

So awesome. So fuckin awesome.

And it keeps going. More scenes of wickedness. We see a brothel full of freaky hookers. All are engineers and all are mutantly delicious. I was hoping the 3 breasted hooker from Total Recall was there. This concludes in a golden shower of epic proportions.


Later, we view a penis gets ripped off, leading to a geyser of blood. A prostitute gets gunned down and regenerates her lower half into a croc like mouth. A cop turned engineer develops a "money shot" mutant cock.

Need I say more?

Yes? OK I'll keep going.

The corporate police, go all police statey and wreak havoc on every citizen. Innocent civs are gunned down and Ruka's bartender friend gets ripped apart medieval style. There is even an homage to The Machine Girl during a fight scene between a rogue policewoman and a Sailor Moon uniformed engineer schoolgirl.

So fuckin cool.

The ending has more limbs, flying fists and concludes with some rocket flying arterial spraying.
Just fitting to a movie that went into the stratosphere of gore movies.

Tokyo Gore Police is a little long, but there isn't any lull in the entire movie. It's one non stop splatter scene after another. Honestly, what movie can claim that?

I have the poster hanging right above my computer, having grabbed it at the NY Comic Con. And it was always on the back of my mind to watch it. I can't believe it took me this long to see this gore-tastic movie.

There is a point where you get in the mood to see a mindless manga come to life. When you enjoy watching real life NC - 17 cartoony violence. Ichi the Killer and Kill Bill use arterial spraying to fit its universe, but movies like The Machine Girl and TGP make arterial spraying and gore the norm.

This could only come from Japan, where the crazy is the norm. I can only imagine if I ever visited Japan that while looking at ladies panties in a vending machine, some dude gets his arm sliced off and arterial sprays an ocean all over the place. I'd scream out "Oh shit!, This stuff happens for real here!"

But I'd probably be too busy playing that torture Wii game.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

So much to list it would take too long. Most of the good shit is what I wrote in the review.

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Mutant boobies

WTF moment

The torture Wii game
Slo Mo arterial spraying subway molester punishment

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Some fun facts. Yoshihiro Nishimura did all the makeup and special effects for The Machine Girl, Sukeban Boy, Meatball Machine and Suicide Circle.

As the credits roll, keep watching. There's even a proclamation of "More Gore Coming Soon!".

You really have to be in the right frame of mind to see continuous arterial spraying, blood, gore and splatter. But once you are, this movie will hit all the pleasure centers of every gorehound's brain.

Tokyo Gore Police is artistic gore at its finest, a frenzy of weirdness and carnage that is a testament to this new subgenre of mutant weapon appendages.

This is a millennial cult classic that will only be topped by Nishimura's next splatterfest.


The Trailer

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Captain Berlin vs Hitler (Trailer)

Oh where have you been Jorg?

Jorg Buttgereit hasn't made a movie in 16 years. 16 FRAKIN YEARS.

He directed an episode of Lexx 10 years ago according to IMDB and has directed a couple of documentaries. But no feature.

But that's about to end.

Insano Steve checked out his IMDB page and he discovered a new flick!!!

Captain Berlin vs. Hitler


We're going to get to see:

Captain Berlin vs Nazi She-Wolf Dr. Ilse Von Blitzen!

Captain Berlin vs Dracula!!


Captain Berlin vs Hitler!!! (headless and robotic it seems)

The new trailer is below. Check it out.

If that doesn't get you psyched, I don't know what will.

If you need a remedial class on the Buttgereit library, check out my reviews of Nekromantik, Nekromantik 2, Der Todesking and Schramm.

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

End of the Line (Review)

End of the Line

End of the Line (2006)

Directed by Maurice Devereaux

I think I found the new trend in horror movies. Not zombies, or remakes or something French. Nope.

It's horror movies that take place on a train.

Mark my words. 2009 will be filled with killers on trains that attack people.

We've already got a taste of it with The Midnight Meat Train and a few others are coming out like Train and Stag Night.

So it's important I get on the bandwagon and watch this new trend in it's infancy.

Hence, I watched a Canadian horror machine called End of the Line, a very awesome flick that will probably be the instigator of this new sub genre's progeny.

2 minutes in I was flinching from some quick scares. Seriously. I actually got scared and I don't scare easily. When you're a jaded viewer like me, this is very hard to do.

But End of the Line, opens freakin strong, blasts some WTF, adds in some serious bloody splatter and ends with a whimper (it's only drawback).

End of the Line is high velocity fun, stopping at the right moments for scares and gore that it's destined to be a cult classic for the 21st century.

I wish it kept going.

Boring Plot-O-Matic (from the official site)

In this unsettling and creepy thriller, Karen (Ilona Elkin), a young nurse who works in a psychiatric ward, boards the last subway train of the night only to have it stop suddenly in the middle of the tunnel. As those around her are brutally murdered, Karen and a handful of survivors must face supernatural forces, homicidal religious cult members, as well as their own fears and suspicions of Armageddon, in order to survive.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The quick cut to something frightening is a staple in horror films. And the first half hour is filled with suspense and goosbumpy madness. You know director Maurice Devereaux wants you to jump out of your seat by creating some quick glimpses of the scary. And he does this by establishing the life of our main final girl Karen.

But it's the train that's the other "character" we have to get use to in this vague Canadian city that has some a metro. If you live in a city with a subway or transit system and have taken the train late at night, there's a little bit of you that's screaming "I'm fuckin scared".

End of the Line taps that piece and doesn't let go.

The train stops mid-ride and we get intro-ed into the many passengers who will turn out to be our Scooby Gang vent on survival.

We've got:

1.) Final Girl Karen
2.) Hipster Mike
3.) Jock Neil
4.) Guido Mike
5.) Virgin Sarah
6.) Raver Julie

It's an eclectic group of ordinaries that now have to be all Kill Bill in order to survive the night. Nobody stuck out as somebody I could root for and cared about. They were all designed to be slightly lovable and turned into cult corpse fodder.

Oh. Did I mention there was a killer cult from God on this train too?

And that's the middle of the movie. After the cult gets a message on their beepers (they still have those?) they get all slaughtery and start attacking and killing everybody on the train.

The scenes are utterly brutal, as they go all stabby with their crucifixes that turn into knives.

As our gang runs like hell, they meet up with some transit workers and work out a plan and explain motive and yada yada yada.

The cult members (in matching uni's) are a cross between a David Koresh imitation and some Christian conservative, Republican carnies. The brainwashed citizens are insane as they believe all should be "saved".

The kill scenes are savage. Some OJ multiple stabs, throat slashing, a sword head decap and 1 that even made me cringe.

The cult take one of their own and multiple stab a 3rd trimester pregnant woman and her husband. The scene concludes as they lay the newborn with their parents, with the infant semi moving. Wow. On the fucked up scale, that went off the charts.

More chasing and huffing and puffing and a few more axes to the head. Even kids went all mental and tried to kill our scoobies. Wow, there was more kid and infant-cide in this flick than I thought I would see.

The negatives are clearly nitpicks but took away that 1 extra spinkick that would have made this into the spinkick HOF. The movie's premise hinted on the supernatural, then steered me towards some cult crazies then went back to demonology. I wasn't sure if the vagueness of it all was thought bubbled intentional.

I wanted it to stick with just being about some fundamentalist cult crazies but it went waaaaay off which kinda made me say "Huh?". This is further amplified by the ending which was a blah huh.

Add in the fact that our final girl was sorta hot, kicked some ass in the end but her personality needed a total recall. I mean all the characters did.

One of the evil cult baddies was a sexual pervert serial semi rapist. He added some ha ha's and some evilness but just didn't look menacing to make me want this revenge served cold.

End of the Line is the Canadian version of The Midnight Meat Train (which took home the #2 spot on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008). As I'm not sure what year this falls into (06 or 07 or 08) it would have definitely made my top 10.

The vagueness of the chaos that erupted and characterology was my only double fault but everything else was super awesome terrific.

I am putting End of the Line posthumously as one of the top horror films of 2008 or 07 or 06.

Now stand clear of the closing doors.

(if you want to be shocked don't read)

Multiple Stabbings
Throat slashing
Sword Head decap (gorehounds rejoice!)
Pregnant woman stabbings
Ax to the head
Hammer to the head
Lip biting
Knife to the head

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Some boobie cleavage

WTF moment


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I forgot to mention that the Canadians are rivalring the French, Aussies and Brits in ushering the new wave of kick ass horror. Maurice Deveraux also directed the straight to DVD Slashers (a reality game show horror movie) which I vaguely remember watching.

It'll be interesting to see what he does next.

If movies like End of the Line is whats to come from him, I say "All Aboard!"


Check out the trailer below.

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Toby Wilkins comments on Splinter review

"Splinter is a monumental achievement in indie horror done super duper right."

Sometimes it's nice to hear that a director checks out what the horror fans are saying about their movies. It makes a nice connection between us and them and that there is a community that supports the filmmaker and vice versa.

I like that. It makes me feel all anti-sad and stuff.

I also like that Splinter's director Toby Wilkins liked my review. Because I really liked his film. Thus, I ranked it as #9 on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008. It's that good.

You can check out my full review here.

So I'm jumping jacking for joy that the jaded viewer got quotabled with the rest of the major sites.

Check out the horror love that Splinter has been getting from the underground.

The other quote in my review that sums up Splinter is below. It will be debuting on the Sci Fi Channel Feb 14th and 15th. Definitely, check this flick out.

"Splinter is parasiticly controlled, retro virus gone awry, corpse walking hell of a ride. It does 300% more sh** in its 1 hr and 20 min and limited budget. It's the mark of excellence on what a good story and solid acting and a few choice CGI effects can accomplish."

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Perkins 14 (Review)

Perkins 14

Perkins 14 (2009)

Directed by Craig Singer

**Opening Disclaimer**

It took me a total of 7 hours to watch Perkins 14. Yes, you read that right....7 FUCKIN HOURS!!!

Fuck you AMC theatres!

Let me tell you about my experience watching Perkins 14 which in a nutshell turned out to be the single worst movie theatre going experience I've ever evaaaaaaaaaaar had.

The AMC on 11th and 3rd in NYC is the only theatre showing all the After Dark movies. The times are staggered, and me and Insano Steve were forced to view a 11:45am showing.

Mind you that's a little early for me to go see horror. I like to watch my horror late at night, sometimes intoxicated, but mostly when my brain needs to go all relaxo.

The time aside, it also happened to be snowing and freezing in NYC which added to the difficult mode of seeing this hyped up flick.

But I support indie horror and I would trudge on and give this film a chance.

Then all hell broke loose.

Here is a log of what happened.

11:25am (EST): Insano Steve and me check out the crowd around theatre for this goddamn early show. I say "I think most of these people are in the movie". He says "No way".

Turns out I'm right as the director, Craig Singer, crew and some of the actors (Mihaela Mihut,Michal Graves and others) are attending the viewing.

That made this actually cool.

11:35am: Trailers start up......but upside down. Plus the audio seems to be going all Satanic verse backwards. Wow that was weird.

11:45am: Movie starts up. People applaud. I'm getting psyched.

11:55am: 10 minutes into the movie it starts showing up UPSIDE DOWN AGAIN!!!!! And I'm viewing a scene 20 minutes into the future. And the audio is all backwards fucked up again.


They stop the movie and everybody groans. People are talking and a few of the actors are talking about their scenes. I listen in. It's like DVD commentary live.

AMC says they are working on it. They say it should be ready in 5 minutes which was 30 minutes ago.

12:15pm: Still no movie

12:45pm: Uhh no movie.

1:15pm: Fuckity fuck. Where the hell is the movie? Fix this shit already.

1:45pm: They tell us a projectionist is coming in to fix this. Something to do with cassettes and reels. WA WA WA WA (Peanuts adult voice)

2:15pm: They tell us the movie is all fucked up. They are going to need a few hours to fix and they tell us to come back at 5pm. People are angry. I'm about to explode. It's been more than a hour and they still haven't gotten this shit fixed.

- - - - Thought bubble - - - -
I got a threshold for the abuse that I will take. Now, right now, I'm a fuckin' race car, right, and you got me the red. And I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin' that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a race car in the fuckin' red. That's all. I could blow.
- - - - End Thought bubble - - - -

2:30pm: IS and I go eat lunch at a Cajun place. I have chicken fried steak. It's yummy. We discuss Man vs Food. It's an enlightening conversation.

4:00pm: We go to our favorite video store which I find out is moving to a new location. 30% discount on porn and all the other movies. Everything is still expensive.

5:00pm: We return and wait for the second viewing to start. Theatre is kinda empty. A few people I saw earlier have come back. The rest have totally bailed.

5:10pm: Some guy in the front row is snoring.....really loudly. Somebody should wake him up. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Wake up!!!!

5:15pm: Movie starts up right where we got cut off. Cool, we shouldn't have any problems now......
6:08pm: FUCKITY FUCKERS!!!!! The movie is upside down again!!!!!???!?? You gotta be fuckin kidding me. They did it again??? Fuck you.

6:12pm: People are pissed. A guy flicks and curses at the projectionist. I want to find the manager and yell colorful profanities. They chime in that it will be fixed in 15 minutes which was 30 minutes ago. I am never going to an AMC theatre again.

7:00pm-ish: Movie ends. Credits roll. Thank goodness.

7:12pm: I find a manager and withhold the inner green Hulk monster in me. I demand I get compensation for this utter horrible experience. Manager seems snippy but finally caves and gives Insano Steve and I free passes.

7:13pm: We get the fuck out of Dodge as quick as fuckin possible.

You still there?

OK, my bad let me go on to the review which I will try to be objective about even though all that shit happened.

**The Actual Review**

Perkins 14 I thought was going to be the best of the 8 movies in this year's After DarkHorrorfest. It's hype is legendary as it proclaimed this was: a film invented, written, cast, voted for, chosen and created by YOU.

The film was developed by Writers submitted story ideas, audition tapes were uploaded and the cast and winning story were chosen. Webisodes were aired on the site and YouTube to give you a peek into the production. All gimmicky devices to make sure you were informed of YOUR movie.

The plot was the most inventive it seemed and the poster chosen was a throwback to the glory grindhouse days.

So with all this, Perkins 14 had a lot to live up to. Did it do it?

Well it is what it is. A decent horror movie, with some grey characters, good amounts of gore and splatter and some suspense thrown in.

It's a credit to the indie horror scene on how this movie was created and made. The movie itself on the other hand is nothing short of mediocre. And mediocrity may actual be failure when you hype up the movie this much.

Boring Plot-O-Matic (from the official site)

Years ago on a calm, dark night, Dwayne Hopper's life was shattered when his young son Kyle was abducted from his bedroom and disappeared without a trace. Kyle was the the final victim in a string of fourteen local disappearances. Dwayne, his wife Janine and daughter Daisy were forced to abandon hope that he would one day be found.

10 years later...Dwayne remains on the police force, but his family life has crumbled around him. Janine has lost faith in her husband just as Daisy has lost faith in her parents. One fateful night, Dwayne's suspicions are aroused when he notices striking similarities between a current inmate (Perkins), and the purported culprit behind the abductions.

Upon investigation, Dwayne discovers proof of Perkins' guilt during a tense search of the suspect's basement. In a fit of rage, Dwayne kills Perkins, but unbeknownst to him, the fourteen missing victims are very much alive. During captivity, they were dehumanized and trained to kill at random. Perkins' murder ignites a wave of carnage which sweeps across the entire town, with Dwayne's own son as one of the marauding psychopaths.

The Hopper family winds up taking refuge in a barricaded police station - but no walls are able to keep pure evil from breaking through. Dwayne and his family are caught up in a terrifying struggle for survival which pits them against a horde of brainwashed, bloodthirsty, "creatures." Who will survive the night?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Perkins 14 has a interesting premise but it seems it went about it the wrong way. It's your typical kinetic alive brainwashed zombies attacking our brave hero cop and his family. What it should have been was a movie about each of the 14 people who were kidnapped and what Perkins did to them. How do you turn a normal kid into a bloody thirsty monster? Doesn't that sound waaay better?

Dwayne Hopper (Patrick O'Kane) is our hero cop and he has a wife (Mihaela Mihut) and daughter Daisy (Shayla Beesley). Each of these characters has some arcs in the movie as Dwayne investigates Perkins, his wife seems to be having an affair and the daughter wants to fuck this musician.

The movie starts up slow, with the first half teetering on character development. As Hopper interrogates Perkins, we finally get motive on why Perkins did what he did. But he is executed which to me didn't make sense.

Why would you kill off Perkins in the middle of the movie? He's the main adversary. Seemed anti climactic to just bullet in the brain him. There's always a super evil killer boss and his minions. The second half just had minions.

That's a major plot hiccup.

But the second half of the movie picks up speed and we get some awesome carnage by both Hopper and the 14. In one scene, an ocular trauma by Hopper's wife Janine has her taking a piece of glass ans sticking it into the eye of of 1 of the 14 psychopaths.

A few of the kill scenes are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about.

We also get lots of running and chasing, mostly in the pitch black dark. It's really hard to watch darkness unless it's on BluRay. I know, I know....darkness adds the scary. But if you can't even see the scary, um it's not gonna be scary.

The movie goes editing crazy, with some quick cuts and dissolves and fades. It was an arsenal on the eyes and sort of took away from a more suspenseful approach.

I wasn't expecting the ending I got which was a downer. Downer endings are better endings in my book anyway.

Perkins 14 was at best a grindhouse horror flick with the potential-ality to be something really good. But it's greatest strength will always be the way it was created, with the horror fans participating in its production. It's a first in our Web 2.0 world to make a horror movie this way and it's a credit to all involved.

Perkins 14 knocked on the door but didn't have the "oooooomph" to push it down.

That's too bad.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Ocular trauma
Bullet in the brain
Intenstinal munchies
Finger nail scratching
Slicing and dicing
Random bloodletting and gore

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)


WTF moment

The second time the fuckin movie fucked up and went all upside down.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Do you want me to say go check out Perkins 14 this week? Maybe it's better than say Butterfly Effect or it could be worse than Dying Breed. I really don't know.

It's a run of the mill horror movie, not PG-13 and has a few choice cuts of bloody goodness.

If that's good enough, see it. If it's not, you got 7 others to choose from.

Pick wisely.


The Trailer

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