Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Black Dynamite (Anaconda Malt Liquor and Red Band Trailers)

"Anaconda Gives you "oooooooooooooooooo."

I wanna soooooooo drink some Anaconda Malt Liquor. The only malt liquor approved by the United States government.

Thanks to Twitch, we get to see this throwback TV spots. Check em out below.

Black Dynamite has been selected to be part of the Sundance film festival so it probably will come out next year.

Also check out the BD holiday greeting. HO!!! HO!!!! HO!!!!!

And the NEW RED BAND NSFW Trailer you jive ass mofo!!!!!

Black Devil Doll comes out tomorrow but how can it top Black Dynamite??? It might not be able to you jive motherfucker!!!!

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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Dance of the Dead (Review)

Dance of the Dead

Dance of the Dead (2008)

Directed by Gregg Bishop

You know what we Americans do best? Make a frakin kick ass zombie film.

Score another one for the US of A. USA! USA!

Gregg Bishop's uber indie Dance of Dead rivals Shaun of the Dead's silliness, blends in some 80s Return of the Dead for the millienial age and clicks in some Buffy-logue to boot. It's amazing nobody ever thought to make Buffy but with zombies.

It's a blender of geekiness heroes without the superpowers and makes the sci fi club cool.

And so Dance of the Dead entertainment value has inappropriate language, gore and scenes of violence. Huuuuaaaaaaaa!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A high school prom is unexpectedly interrupted when a graveyard, next to a nuclear power plant, becomes the sudden source of resuscitated cadavers. As zombies march on the high school, a motley group of dateless teenage outcasts take on the zombies and save the day.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Geeks are 8.7 on the coolness meter. Maybe you didn't get the memo. So our rag tag group of misfits all have that Buffy-ish character mish mash to them. Jimmy our detention anarchist (ala Buffy) and his girl sqeuaky clean Lindsey (Angel?) are joined by Gwen (our Cordelia like cheerleader) and Steven the Xander in love with her.

We got some Willows as well in the form of our Sci Fi club (Jules, George and Rod) and a Giles in the embodiment of a redneck coach. A pseudo Blink 182 band (Dingoes ate my Baby anyone?) complete our contingent. All seem in their dance-verse element, meshing in with their own uniqueness, which I have to say would have been trouble if we the audience didn't like our heroes and heroines.

This is definitely millenial zombie movie for the Generation Y universe. And its damn good. The quips, dialogue and converfunnies are all relatively timed perfect. Massive zombie horde about to attack? Lets jam out and have a prom dance to remember.

The "gear up" weapons montage echoes Raimi and Romero like homages stay true to the maestro.

It's funny and its proud to be it.

As for the zombies, we've got fast movers, slow movers. Take your pick. They all end up gunshot, bashed in and pummeled into slosh. The gore and splatter are in epic form. If CGI was done, it was not noticeable. Bishop and his crew did their zombie homework.

Like a BTVS episode, its tick tocking and it works well. Dance of the Dead is a tour de force of a zombie comedy done uber cool, and LOLing at all the right moments.

Even George could use some pointers from this flick.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Zombie bashing in all forms (gunshots, decaps, arm and leg rips, etc.)
Ax slicing
Spine ripping
Gunshot head shots
Lots of offsceen crange hijinks

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Some cheerleader cheering (but full frontal boobies, err nada)

WTF moment

A zombie makeout session. That's a first!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

For all the shitty POV zombie flicks and other zombie reimaginings, a Dance of the Dead comes along and blows you away.

It's a horror comedy that establishes a zombie-verse, makes sure we're entertained by our main characters and unleashes slayerville on the undead.

The ending hints on a possible sequel, and Dance will probably spawn mucho zombie-omedies that will not be as clever.

So if your looking for a decent BTVS fix, put down the season 8 comic and watch Dance of the Dead. And you'll see the sci fi club and anarchist cliques in a whole new light.


The Trailer

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Monday, December 29, 2008

Gutterballs (Review)


Gutterballs (2008)

Directed by Ryan Nicholson

After watching Return to Sleepaway Camp, I decided to continue the trend of 80s slasher remakes and watched Gutterballs. Straight out the Canadian horror school of horror, it's like watching a hot, voluptuous big breasted blonde scratch a blackboard with Kreuger gloves while being decapitated.

Translation: We got awesome nudity/sex, tons of gore and splatter but really annoying, obnoxious characters who spew out vulgarities a mile a minute.

So when 2 out of 3 things work in your flick, you'll have to take the good with the bad. And so Gutterballs transcends into fun run horror, a great flick that thowsback to the 80s, literally.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A brutally sadistic rape leads to a series of bizarre gory murders during a midnight disco bowl-a-rama at a popular bowling alley. One by one, players of two teams meet blood-drenched gruesome deaths at the hand of a black bowling-gloved masked killer. This alley runs red with blood by sunrise.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

After a 8 minute intro setting up our 80s stereotypical characters (the jerkoff asshole and his buddies, the punk rock princess and her semi-hot friends with a tranny! and the brotha and his Duckie wearing art school stoners) we get our 80s music at full blast opening credit sequence.

Set in the vague 80s we have a throwdown between our assholes and our arty farty troupe.

Let's get the annoying shit out of the way. I wanted every character to fuckin die. Even the so called "good" guys. They were all assholes. If this is by design, I do not know. I'm pretty sure starting your movie so the audience would hate everybody couldn't be intentional.

But various scenes are cringe worthy and the kill scenes are gloriously ridiculous. A 10 minute rape scene was wickedly weird. It made the Irreversible rape scene seem Disney-ish. Our sadistic jocks pinned the princess and used a bowling pin as a medieval torture device. Totally WTF.

This is in additon to full out hardcore nudity and sex. Clean beavers, full frontal woodsman shots and all the breasts you can see. Wow. I was kinda shocked at first because my 80s horror sure didn't have my teen-core eyes witness that shit.

So this leads to the bowl-off and leads to a jump with glee kills. You'd think a bowling alley would lack any creativeness for some slaughter.

Well my bowling bud, you'd be wrong. The first rule of 80s slasher horror is if you sex it up, you die. And our gutterballs slasher is happy to oblige.

Our killer, in a get up made of a bowling shirt and a backwards bowling bag as a mask made me LOL everytime. Mr. BBK is a ridiculous masked killer, with his bowling weapons arsenal and I couldn't help but root for the slasher. I also couldn't careless whodunits as long as these dip shit asshole twats got butchered.

The various kill scenes seem to get odder, bloodier and grosser as we went along. We get a suffocation by muff and johnson, a bowling pin down the throat and man-gina evisceration. We also get some bowling pin stake ocular trauma, a bowling shoes strangulation and an armored statue head bashing. What else?

We also get a bowling ball wax face ripping and the best of em all, a bowling pin stake up the ass.
A few more throat slashings and shotgun blasts and it's all good.

Gutterballs gore was splatterly fun and over the top and reached ludicrous speed by the twisty-ish ending.

Gutterballs is an entertaining rabid dog, one that keeps biting and biting without a leash in sight. If it wasn't for the F bombs and C bombs uttered every 5 secs, maybe I'd actually know what the characters names were. But when all the assholes die, yay for us.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

The recap again...

Suffocation by muff and johnson
A bowling pin down the throat and man-gina evisceration
Bowling pin stake ocular trauma
A bowling shoes strangulation
An armored statue head bashing
A bowling ball wax face ripping
A bowling pin stake up the ass
Throat slashings
Shotgun blast to the head

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

A clean shaved beaver peek
Princess boobies galore
Skanky boobies
Pudgy boobies
Johnson and johnson and more johnsons (ugh)

WTF moment

The Man-gina surgery....totally sick

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I gotta admit. This is one of the 10 best horror movies of 2008. And hence its getting 3 spinkicks. Not every horror movie will have you rooting for a final girl but rooting for everybody to die is still a happy joy joy. Nicholson directed Live Feed (which I ignored because it look like a Saw ripofff) and I remember watching the trailer and thinking Gutterballs is utterly creative and an homage to all 80s slasher.

The vicims reveals (where we see all the victims displayed in their bloody deathy carnage) is a lost art horror form. We need more of that. It's those little things that make Gutterballs a massacre work of art.

So be warned, we've got porn and horror mixed in here. But gorehounds, rejoice! It's a combination that super sizes that happy meal.


Check out the trailer below.

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Friday, December 26, 2008

Return to Sleepaway Camp (Review)

Return to Sleepaway Camp

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008)

Directed by Robert Hiltzik

How do you create a sequel to a 80s slasher movie that actually sucked but is only remembered because of the ending?

You know the one. The one with the girl penis and the gratuitous green tint.

You create a horror time warp slasher flick with cheese. That's the best way to describe Return to Sleepaway Camp.

It's a 21 st century Sleepaway but done in a throwback 80s sorta way. We are seeing grindhouse flicks being remade for millenials. Think of this as a 80s slasher flick for Gen Xers who remember Angela and her penis. But somehow it also wants the love of the horror remake Gen Y millenial fans.

Wow tall fuckin order.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

It's summer camp as usual at Camp Manabe where the kids torment each other for fun while the underpaid camp staff provides as little supervision as possible. Greedy camp owner Frank and junior partner Ronnie do their best to keep everyone in line, but something sinister is about to put a slash in the roster.

When campers and staff mysteriously begin disappearing and turning into gruesome corpses, paranoid Ronnie can't shake the memory of a series of grisly murders that took place at Camp Arawak, where he worked two decades earlier. Has a ghost from the past come back to haunt him?

As the paranoia worsens, Ronnie's list of possible killers starts growing just like the body count. Everyone becomes a suspect from vicious kids to shady members of the camp staff, and even former Camp Arawak camper Ricky who mysteriously works nearby.

Who is knocking off these victims and why? Only one thing is for certain, something is carving a bloody new trail at Sleepaway Camp where kids can be so mean and surviving this summer is gonna be a real killer!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's make this review simple.

Does the cruel acts perpetrated on our picked on, fat ass, nerdy, smelly victim Ronnie justify each of the corresponding, overelaborate, CGI a plenty kill scenes?

Ronnie is our poor victim. He's picked on by almost everybody. The camp staff, counselors and of course the campers.

Let's go examine this carefully shall we? (this is no particular order and with my bad one line quips)

Cruelaity #1

Alan (a staff member) ridicules and belittles Ronnie at every moment.

The Comeback Kill

Alan becomes the unfortunate victim of penis fishing as his wanker is ripped off by some fishing line attached to a jeep. (that's gonna be some bait!)

Cruelaity #2

Bella (a fat Queen Latifah camper) spitballs, makes fun of and teases Ronnie.

The Comeback Kill

She gets holey as she is killed by a bed of nails. (Holey Cow! get it?)

Cruelaity #3

Mickey (the cook) throws eggs at Ronnie.

The Comeback Kill

Mickey gets medievaled and his head is boiled in some cooking oil. (Would you like fries with that?)

Cruelaity #4

Michael (Ronnie's stepbrother) threatens and teases Ronnie and later starts beating the shit out of him with a mallet.

The Comeback Kill

Skinned alive (booyah!)

Cruelaity #6

Weed (the resident stoner) and other campers trick Ronnie into smoking a joint filled with dried cow manure, then proceed to call him Blowjob at every waking moment.

The Comeback Kill

Weed has a hose attached to a gasoline pump and ingests a stomach full of gas then smokes up a joint which flames him alive. (Light it up motherfucker!)

Cruelaity #7

TC (our resident asshole camper) gives Ronnie a wedgie, tricks him to be naked on stage in front of the camp and has the entire boy camp paintball him into oblivion.

The Comeback Kill

TC gets impaled in the eye by a wooden pole (There is no "eye" in team!)

Cruelaity #8

Frank (the new owner) does nothing to stop Ronnie's torment.

The Comeback Kill

Frank has a birdcage locked on his head. The killer open up the bird cage, places 2 rats inside and locks it. The rats then eat through his head and exit through his intestines. (You dirty rat!)

So if thought my puns were bad, this movie is just as bad. But thats the thing. The kills are 80s funny, the teasing and torment are there to justify the stupid kills.

The 80s were filled with really bad slasher flicks, Friday the 13th knockoffs and ridiculous slashers that had way too much time coming up with elaborate death kills. Return to Sleepaway Camp, for all its crapiness, is cheesy enough to honor this 80s slasher knockoff genre.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

See above

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

One blonde girl had big boobies but you see nada

WTF moment

Where is my out of leftfield ending??? Fuckin negative zero.And it wasn't even that subtle.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Felissa Rose makes a sorta cameo. So does Isaac Hayes (in his last movie ever) And original director Hiltzik is back honoring is now infamous classic. As I do own the entire Sleepaway camp series (yes, there was a Part II and III), I'm partial to this sorta cheesiness. I don't know why.

Camp movies fall victim to the colorful teenage stereotypes and like Jason Voorhees, they all have a innocent victim that becomes prey to the cruel kids and their wickedness.

We all can't become unstoppable killing machines like Jason, but we can get get our slashing done in some other way. And that's why this was actually watchable...sorta.

Most people say this flick sucks but does it suck more than let's say when a certain Platinum Dunes company rapes my horror childhood and remakes fuckin everything?

Even my beloved Jason.

At least the original director and cast came back for this one. That may not being saying much, but hey, it's the effort that counts.


The Trailer

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Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Holidays from the jaded viewer!

Well I've got a lot of movies to review over the holiday break. Some very obscure horror, some mainstream and a few in between.

So stay tuned for that.

If your an aspiring filmmaker, indie marketing team or STV horror production company (ahem) or whatever and have anything you want me to review that you'd think would be a nice fit on the jaded viewer (and want some free publicity) drop me a line.

And keep those comments coming. We're all one big horror family aren't we? Not like a real family because today your probably being driven nuts with distant aunts and cousins and such.

Happy Holidays!

(And yes, I know every other horror site is going to put this insane Santa Claus trailer up like I did)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Mutants (Trailer)

The French are fuckin winning the unofficial horror war. Because I'm getting hyped for this shit. Is Mutants the next Inside or Martys or Ils?

Check out the new trailer.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Hajirai Machine Girl (Trailer)

It seems as an extra in the Tokyo Shock DVD of The Machine Girl (which you can read my review here) we get an uber lower budget sequel to Noburu Iguchi's now cult classic, viral trailer splatterfest

Who would have thought you could make a sequel to that insanity?

Hajirai (or Shyness) Machine Girl seems more outrageous than its original parent. Arterial decaps, machine gun ass and Yakuza with nails in his head.

Makes me think of the STV Ichi the Killer ripoffs that followed after Takashi Miike's landmark flick.

Check out the trailer.

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Monday, December 22, 2008

Perkins 14 (Trailer)

Perkins 14 is an example of fan created horror. Not really a first, but a rare occurence in this day and age.

The film was developed by Writers submitted story ideas, audition tapes were uploaded and the cast and winning story were chosen.

So their tagline that a film invented, written, cast, voted for, chosen and created by YOU, isn't that farfetched.

Now part of the After Dark Horrorfest 2009 lineup we'll see if something created by US is actually fuckin good.

Here be the plot chosen by YOU.

Plot o rama

Robert Perkins builds an army of 14 people brainwashed through cult-like methods to protect him from his parents' killers. When Perkins is imprisoned, the police unwittingly unleash his followers on a small town and they've only got one thing on their mind: "Kill for Mr. Perkins."

Now watch the trailer created by YOU.


I've watched Perkins 14. CHECK OUT MY REVIEW!!!


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Sunday, December 21, 2008

the jaded viewer goes AWOL

Well you might be wondering WTF happened to the updates on the site. I had some personal stuff unexpectedly come up which took mega, major, uber priority.

I'm back and with the holidays coming up, we might have a few gaps here and there.

Think of this lapse like the end of the original Dawn of the Dead which you can see below. I'm like Peter, contemplating to go all suicidy but changing my mind at the last minute and going all heroic.

I love the the GI Joe music as he kicks ass to Franince and the helicoptor.

Imagine if they went with the original ending where Francine goes all hope is lost and decaps her head in the coptor blades.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Death Bell (Trailer)

Battle Royale meets 90210. It seems Korea is dismissing this Ringu shit and going in a whole new direction of after school horror.

And so, they give birth to Go-Sa aka Death Bell.

Here be the plot:

The film is set in a high school, where an elite group of twenty students—including rebelious heroine Kang Yi-na, her timid best friend Yoon Myong-hyo, and her would-be boyfriend Kang Hyeon—are taking a special class for their college entrance exam. After Kang Hyeon is nearly strangled and another student throttled in the restroom, the classroom TV screen switches to an image of top-ranking student Hye-yeong trapped inside a fish tank that is slowly filling with water. A disembodied voice announces that her life depends on the exam questions he will set for them, and that a student will die for every question the class gets wrong. Trapped with the students are head teacher Hwang Chan-wook and English teacher Choi So-yeong. Yi-na realises that the students are being killed in order of their rank in the class, and she is ranked fifth.

I'm wondering, what type of questions will these be? Multiple choice? Fill in the blank?

Will there be lifelines?

High concept, but will the scares and gore be in attendace (get it?)

Check out the trailer.

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sick Girl (Trailer)

I remember watching the PSA teaser and trailer for Sick Girl and never got around to posting it. But after rewatching that PSA trailer, it's still fuckin morbidly hilarious.

The sick girl in question is Izzy, a psychopathic, anti-Juno uber fucked up girl who likes torturing some innocents in the family barn.

I can't do the plot justice so here it is in italic standard form.

Sick Girl is the story of Izzy, a girl that wants to protect her little brother, bang her older brother and torture everyone else out in the barn. Izzy is raising her younger brother, Kevin, by herself.

Their parents are deceased and her older brother, Rusty, (who she has incestuous fantasies about), is away in the Marines. When Izzy learns that her little brother is being bullied at school, she does what any unstable, psychopathic, homicidal sister (with no impulse control) would do.

Wow aren't you excited to see this? No Moldy Peaches in this dialed up horror black horroromedy. It reminds me of another Ellen Page joint, Hard Candy if Hard Candy's anti protagonist went rampagy.

Get caught up. Watch the trailers. Synapse just got the right to this and will be releasing it next year.

Sick Girl "Thank You For Not Talking" PSA

Teaser Trailer

The Trailer

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Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Last House in the Woods (Review)

The Last House in the Woods

The Last House in the Woods (2006)
aka Il Bosco Fuori

Directed by Gabriele Albanesi

Why can't it be the first house in the woods? How about the second to last house?

Ahhh yes, those exploitation crazy Italians love rebooting the old grindhouse slashers flicks of old like it was the 70s and 80s.

Can somebody tell them its the 21 st century?

My first impression was it had the feel of the late great Bruno Mattei's cheesy, Ed Wood-ish amateur splatter film, but the last 30 minutes sent this flick to a decent 2 spinkick average fart.

It doesn't do anything totally different. It's your basic jocktards attacking a couple, a mysterious couple saves them but they're actually more fucked up than the jocktards. Lots of gratuitous running and escaping, lots of gore and a somewhat surreal ending.

It's not rocket science.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

There are some lines that must never be crossed... beyond them all... is The Last House in the Woods.

[oops thats the tag line]

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The version I watched was dubbed so it felt weird listening to conversations in Italglish. Aurora and Rino are a couple out of love when they encounter some thuggy thugs. Luckily they are saved by a couple who suspiciously were there just in time.

They take them to their house and Aurora soon discovers that you should NEVER EVER go to the fuckin backwoods of Italy.

Well let me list the generic shit that we get to see.

1.) Deranged murderous couple
2.) Redneck, inbred, mutant sons
3.) Evil thugs playing evil thugs who become good thugs (?)
4.) Final Girl
5.) Arm decaps and some shades of bloody slaughter

So why would this get 2 spinkicks? I have no idea. The throwback to Italian sleaze repackaged is something I sometimes can't resist. The couple has a mutant, vampire son they need to feed. Oops spoiler...sorry. Like it mattered. So they decide to feed the younglings in love.

The thugs fill the kill quotient and die in gruesome ways. We get final girl running and running and everybody who dies, deserves it.

But its the vivid image of the opening scene clashing with the ending that blew my mind. OK spoilers ye mate. Vampire boy's new little 8-10 yr old brother was a survivor that the family took in which they mutant-ized so he fit in. So how did they accomplish this?

By fuckin cutting off his arms and legs and sitting him on a pedestal.


Not a good movie, but a nice 21 st century pre owned homage to mega sleaze of old. That equals decency in my book.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Vehicular trauma
Arm and Leg cannibalism
Arm chainsawing
Leg chainsawing
Stomach chainsaw and intenstines spewing
Boil pussing
Multiple stabbings
Throat slicing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Negative Zero

WTF moment

The armless and legless little boy sitting on a candle lit pedestal

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This was brought to the States from Ghosthouse, which usually is solid in their selections. Hell even I got convinced I would see a Last House on the Left ripoff. Oops. Not so fast bubba.

Can't say I hated it. Can't say it was good. But as they say, a sucker is born every minute.


Check out the trailer.

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Monday, December 08, 2008

Dead Snow (Trailer)

I know I'm a little late on this one, but alas I've been hyping up Nazi zombies for some time here. Worst Case Scenario (a movie that seems like it will never be made) had an awesometastic trailer featuring underwater Nazi zombie ghouls.

But Dead Snow, recently announced as part of the lineup for the Sundance Film Festival looks like it's going to be a a uber revolution of zombie horror.

Nazis and zombies is a natural fit in the evil, fucked up sorta way. And its fitting, some Norwegian X-Gamer teenagers get slaughtered by SS decomposing corpses.

The trailer really is quite intriguing. Check it out below.

I noticed:

1.) A Braindead and Indiana Jones references
2.) The local who warns the teens of impending danger
3.) Gratuitous nudity and sex
4.) Fast moving zombies (well fuck, I mean they are dead Nazis)
5.) Total gratuitous Evil Dead/Sam Raimi homage
6.) CGI blood
7.) An actually funny one liner

That scene of Nazi zombies coming out of the snow and the one where they are fuckin Usain Bolting is fuckin priceless.

Check out the Horror Geek for the other horror goodies coming to Sundance.

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Friday, December 05, 2008

Friday the 13th (Full Trailer and New Poster)

I wouldn't be a horror site if I didn't cover the big news of the day, right? So here's my obligatory post of the Friday the 13th remake, slated to be released on February 13th, 2009.

Yahoo Movies got the jump yesterday and has the full trailer online. Check it out by going here.

The new poster is also up as you can see above.

I totally dig the new Jason Voorhees. He does look menacing and from the trailer seems a wee bit smarter than your average slasher redneck. It may just be me, but pre-zombied Jason is the best (Part III to me is the best of em all).

I'd rank em as Voorhees, Myers, Kreuger.

The trailer is flashy, but very spoiler ridden. Did we really need 13 "almost" kills? Fuck you for doing that. As long as Jason's screen time is limited (I know thats blasphemous to say) this would probably work better as the early movies made it a point to show only 10-15 minutes of Jason.

And of course we need to follow our basic F13th model work flow. It should be as follows:

1.) A final girl
2.) Jason Voorhees
3.) Gratuitous Nudity
4.) Kill quality

2 totally awesome kills ("Oh that was fuckin awesome")
4-5 decent kills ("Wow, that must have hurt")
2 he was killed offscreen kills ("That's where that blowtorch ended up")
3 machete kills ("Jason totally went all Kill Bill with his machete")

5.) Spooky music
6.) Stereotypical cardboard cutouts of teenagers
7.) The local who warns the teens of impending danger
8.) Jason unmasked
9.) Jason gets killed by final girl
10.) A total WTF ending

That's all I'm asking for. Thoughts about the trailer? the remake?

Now back to your regular scheduled program.

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Thursday, December 04, 2008

After Dark Horrorfest III: 2009 (Full Lineup and Trailers)

After Dark Horrorfest 2009 finally has a full lineup for the 8 movies to die for. I've seen a few of the past horrofest flicks in the theatre in 07 and 08. Some were damn good, some were fuckin horrible.

It's scheduled from January 9th to January 15th, 2009.

I've watched some of the trailers (when available and read the vague plot summaries) and below is my list of what I'm fuckin excited to see.

1.) Perkins 14


Plot: Robert Perkins builds an army of 14 people brainwashed through cult-like methods to protect him from his parents' killers. When Perkins is imprisoned, the police unwittingly unleash his followers on a small town and they've only got one thing on their mind: "Kill for Mr. Perkins."

The Jaded Viewer says: Internet hype here has been fuckin relentless. But Manson like shit hitting the fan could possibly turn this into something fun.

Trailer: None

2.) Dying Breed


Plot: Inspired by the legends of a 19th-century cannibal and an extinct tiger, this brutal horror-thriller centers on four friends who find out that something—or someone—murderous lurks in the rain-slogged Australian bush.

The Jaded Viewer says: Australia has been churning some bloody decent horror of late. Kills a plenty from the trailer. Could it be rednecks? Ancient spirits of evil? Killer koalas?


3.) From Within


Plot: The residents of a small American town begin to die one-by-one apparently by suicide...

The Jaded Viewer says: The Sarah Connor Chronicles cast sure makes a lot of horror movies. Looks like the Happening, but will it be without the lame ending? Because suicides are fuckin funny...err....I mean sad. My guess, the suicides are caused by killer koalas.


4.) Autopsy


Plot: A young woman tries to find her injured boyfriend in a bizzare and dangerous hospital

The Jaded Viewer says: I'm a big fan of Dr. Giggles. So if some doctors perform some unauthorized surgeries on some hipsters, who am I to argue? I also am a big fan of bonesaws.


5.) The Broken


Plot: On a busy street in London, Gina thinks she sees herself drive past in her own car. Stunned by this strange event, Gina follows the mystery woman up to her apartment. From here, events take an eerie turn for the worse until Gina's awareness slides from solid reality into a world that will haunt more than just her nightmares.

The Jaded Viewer says: It's probably all the episodes of Sarah Connor Chronicles I;ve watcged but Lena Headey is fuckin hot. And the trailer shows her in a bathtub naked. Umm, I have no idea what this movie is about but the potential of gratuitous nudity from Sarah Connor. Score!


6.) Slaughter aka Faithless


Plot: A young woman thinks she is leaving her abusive life behind when she moves to Atlanta and ends up living at her family farm. She quickly learns that abuse comes in even crueler forms.

The Jaded Viewer says: Please let it be Luther the Geek who abuses her at the farm.

Trailer: None

7.) Voices aka Du saram-yida aka Someone Behind You

Plot: Ga-in, a smart, pretty girl who is loved by everyone, witnesses the deaths of people around her. She is then singled out as the next in line to die from the curse that has one person in each generation die at the hands of two people close to them. Ga-in searched for the truth about the curse with Suk-min, a boy who always lingers around her, and her boyfriend Heon-joong, but attacks on her life by those dearest to her, like her best friend and her mother, never cease...

The Jaded Viewer says: Thats a fucked up curse. How about if she watches the cursed videotape from the Ring? Or gets a missed call? Which curse would kill her first? Is their a curse hierarchy?


8.) Butterfly Effect: Revelation


Plot: Sequel to the 2003 cult movie in which a person can change the past via remembering their forgotten memories due to blackouts.

The Jaded Viewer says: I never saw the first one, so I am hell not gonna see this one.


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Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Eyeborgs (Trailer)

While your hoping for Danny Trejo to make Machete, where you CAN actually see him is in a new movie called Eyeborgs.

I never thought they'd bring back the robot gadgets slasher flick back from its 80s grave, but anything is possible now.

Here be the plot synopsis.

After a terrorist attack on US soil, the government intensifies it's surveillance, installing a far reaching network of cameras called the ODIN (Optical Defense Intelligence Network) system. An agent for the Department of Homeland Security becomes suspicious when the physical evidence of a murder does not match what is shown by the network. With the help of a broadcast journalist and a punk rocker he attempts to put a stop to a plot to assassinate the president.

The trailer looks Skynet cheesy but Adrian Paul and Danny Trejo smashing cyborg surveillance peepers has got to be hilarious. I especially like the over the top action soundtrack with gratuitous explosion.

"You binary bastards!!!!"

Now check out the teaser and full trailer (courtesy of Twitch)

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Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Dard Divorce (Review)

Dard Divorce

Dard Divorce (2007)

Directed by Olaf Ittenbach

Before Uwe Boll made the words German + Director + Movie = an untouchable, horrible combination, there were a few awesome German directors that revolutionized the gore/splatter films of the 80s and 90s.

The trio of Jorg Buttgereit, Andreas Schnaas and Olaf Ittenbach were the masters of German horror.

Buttgereit is now irrelevant, Schnaas is still around having teamed with Troma for Nikos the Impaler but it's Olaf Ittenbach who has made the straight to DVD gorefest his playground. Call it gore-emax.

Since Ittenbach's gore masterpiece Premutos, he's regurgitated some awesome gore-a-paloozas but always with bad acting, a stupid plot and horrible editing and sound mixing. Mind you he's been the special effects guy for most of Boll's films so if he's been getting advice from Uwe, it's been SARS like. So infectious that it makes most of Ittenbach's films almost unwatchable.

I said almost.

Because you can't discount the gore factor. I've said it before, just like nudity, gore alone can't save a movie, no matter how good the splatter is.

Gratuitous nudity, splatter and gore and plot/acting/ending all have to be in sync for a good horror movie. 1 out of 3 ain't gonna cut it.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What started with a routine divorce between Natalie Stein and her husband Tim, will soon take a turn into the unexpected and evolve into scenes of torture, bloodshed and slaughter.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you said to me what if Olaf Ittenbach made a torture porn movie I would have been fuckin excited. The torture and gore would be over the top and unbelievably bloody and realistic.

The only problem with Ittenbach doing torture porn is there is no plot in torture porn. The fact Ittenbach writes horrible scripts makes it more aggravating. He also casts people who can't act. I mean really can't act. I think he puts in his FX crew as actors. I'm serious.

C'mon Olaf, there's gotta be Nazi gold money to hire some real actors.

Natalie (played by Olaf's wife, Martina) is our main goody two shoes. Her German accent is so thick, one can barely understand the Germ-glish that she's trying to dialogue out. Why narrate a movie when we can barely understand it. It sounded like a McD's drive thru.

Ittenbach's plot is all over the place. It tries to be all Rashomon with some Pulp Fiction thrown in regarding some missing cocaine and a million dollars. But really, this is torture porn so let's just descrube the gore/splatter torture scenes.

1.) Pimp Hitman vs Natalie

Highlights include:

-Repeated punches to the face
-Finger slicing
-Toe slicing
-Glass shrapnel dicing

Flashback highlights include:

-Chainsaw child-a-cide (extra awesomeness!)

2.) Daniel vs Natalie

Highlights include:

-Daniel goes full frontal and dismembers a body
-Head decaps
-Arms and Legs decaps
-Torso decaps
-Ankle decaps
-Head decaps (via torture)
-Ocular trauma
-Hammer arm trauma
-Needle in the eye trauma
-Multiple OJ like stabbings

Flashback highlights include:

-Gunshot blast to the head (extra awesomeness!)
-Knife in the mouth
-Knife stabbings (x100)
-Meat cleaver to the neck
-Throat slicing
-Meat pounder to the face
-Intenstines gushing

That flashback is one of the best scenes in the movie, so check it out below.

You good? Is that enough? No need for a gore-ipedia for this review. Towards the end, the backround music got really loud and actually fucked up the dialogue that you could barely hear whats the actors were saying.

Seriously Olaf, WHAT THE FUCK??? The twist ending was outright predictable as we get a full reveal of whose pulling the strings but the fucked up sound editing made it so you couldn't even listen to whats being said.

The shitty plot, the horrible acting were bad enough. But fucked up sound editing? That's where I draw the fuckin line.

You can't argue with the gore. But you can argue with everything else. For your career Olaf, stop listening to Uwe Boll. And stop writing your own shit. And get some actors. Is that too much to ask?