Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving! (from the jaded viewer)

Well I'll be on hiatus for the Thanksgiving break. I need some freakin rest anyway. But I figured I'd take this opportunity to give thanks to everybody whose been coming to the site and leaving comments and reading my AWESOME reviews.

(OK OK, Sorry, I've been drinking too much obnoxious juice)

In any case, the site's been a great opportunity to link up with some fellow horror-ites, converse with people on a variety of common interests and promote some super duper good shit that people might have otherwise not known of.

And I just like writing reviews that will make people laugh.

So if you got a good chuckle out of anything I've written, then that's thanks enough.

(but leaving a comment wouldn't hurt too right?)

Happy Thanksgiving!

(And yes, I know every other horror site is going to put this brilliant Eli Roth trailer up like I did)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Big Man Japan (Trailer)

Well obviously I missed a memo back in 2007. Because somehow I totally missed out on the hilarity that is Big Man Japan aka Dai-Nipponjin. How could I miss something this huge? (pun so intended)

Well Magnolia is releasing it next year and I may try to get my hands on this before then.

What's this all about you ask?

The mockumentary saga of what at first appears to be an ordinary Japanese salaryman who turns out to have a very extraordinary job.

What's not to like? Big purple underwear 30 foot tall salaryman, giant Godzilla like monsters, fake buildings and full on Japanese insanity.

Check out the 2 trailers below.

Vague, festival trailer!

Awesome English language/subtitled crazy, weird trailer!

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Death Stop Holocaust (Trailer)

The exploitation train keeps rolling.

So after remakes of biker movies (see Hell Ride), rape and revenge movies (see Run Bitch Run) and killer black devil doll movies (See Black Devil Doll) we get our grindhouse remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Hills Have Eyes like flick called Death Stop Holocaust.

Everybody wants to get that 70s Times Square vibe going with vintage posters and grimy, static-y, cigarette burn trailers.

Even the most Internet-hyped horror flick Perkins 14 has gotten into the act.

Check out the official site.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Run Bitch Run (Trailer)

I put up the poster for Run Bitch Run a week ago and took a look at some production photos. I was psyched then and now we get to see the awesome trailer in 2 versions.

1.) A regular, official PG-13 version (see below)
2.) A XXX, NOT SAFE FOR FUCKIN WORK, TONS OF BOOBIES and all out gratuitous nudity version. Click here for that one you perv.

It reminds me of the awesome Black Devil Doll trailer which totally blew my mind (and other things ;-P)

Here is a quick "plot" summary.

RUN! BITCH RUN! tells the story of Catherine and Rebecca, two Catholic School girls going door-to-door selling Religious paraphernalia in order to pay for their education. Things go horribly wrong when they knock on the wrong door in the wrong neighborhood. After she is brutally raped and left for dead Catherine awakes with one thing on her mind, REVENGE.

Run! Bitch Run! is a throw back to the classic 1970's Rape and Revenge films like 'Last House On the Left' and 'Ms. 45. The film takes place in the late 1970’s where the lack of modern technology made the world a more vulnerable place. This is an original story that has not been explored in recent films. Its uniqueness and chilling subject matter lends itself to horror/thriller audiences looking for something new.

Written by Robert James Hayes II and Joseph Guzman.

Here's the PG-13 trailer.

Check out the official site for more info and production photos and cast info. Thanks to Arrow in the Head for the scoop.

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hell Ride (Review)

Hell Ride

Hell Ride (2008)

Directed by Larry Bishop

The 3 B's. Bikers, Beer and Booty. That's the philosophy behind The Victors gang. I especially like the booty part.

Lots of booty. And girls. Naked big breasted girls. It was a multicultural smorgasboard of biker babes and strippers.

So much hotness, you can get easily confused. It was like being on nudity heroin.

But once you become sober, you begin to realize that Hell Ride gives you full frontal and nothing else.

And in my opinion, you can't call that a movie.

Executive produced by the one and only Quentin Tarantino, and directed by Larry Bishop (a legendary biker movie director), this modern day update of 70s biker movies. Seriously, I'm no expert in this genre but in the 21st century, this is the one grindhouse subgenre that just doesn't translate well.

And that shortcoming doesn't even bring up the main fuck up of this movie.

It's all style and no substance.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The story deals with the characters Pistolero, the Gent and Comanche and the deadly, unfinished business among them.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I think there were more scenes of bikers and babes fucking than bikers vs bikers in shootouts. Let me doublecheck. Yup. That's right.

For every scene where Bishop tries to write some Tarantino-ish dialogue (which can be summed up in a lengthy "fire"innuendo between our main dude Pistolero and his bikette) we get our Victors enjoying the fruits of their labor.

Be it in a hippie bonfire commune with a belly of naked hotties or in a midwest fashion show of silicon enhanced chicks mud wrestling. As much as I love scenes filled with 120% gratuitous nudity, you figure you'd get your even distribution of fancy, ridiculous shootouts with massive explosions. And I especially like my shootouts and bike chases with some plot that keeps me entertained.

The characters of Pistolero (Bishop), the Gent (Madsen) and Commanche (Eric Balfour) are entertaining and slick suited, but at 70 minutes you're not really gonna go into back story which might have elevated this movie into some memorable lines. We even get a cameo from Eddie Zero (Dennis Hopper) which just seems like it was way too homage-y.

Our main adversaries for the Victors are the Six Six Six (Sixers) gang who led by The Deuce (David "Kill Bill" Carradine) and Billy Wings (Vinnie Jones). And they weren't that even fuckin intimidating. The fuckin Guardian Angels could kick their ass.

Some revenge plot or some shit is thrown in and a mysterious safe desposit box generates some deux ex machina.


Even the climactic ending was well, without a climax.

The best part of Hell Ride is the gratuitous nudity. I can't believe I wrote that. But it's true. It looks like a overmaxed Tarantino film but not filled with the detail that you would get from QT. Even in a short 60 minutes, QT's Death Proof gave you hottie characters in a time warped muscle car movie.

Ehhh. What a big disappointment. Bikes. Beer. Booty and Babes. How could that not turn out good?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Throat slicing
Gunshot wounds
Arrow trauma
Fire killing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Nudy magazine nudity
Hippie girl nudity (some full frontal)
Biker girl nudity (some full frontal)
Stripper nudity (some full frontal)
Cherokee Indian girl nudity
Asian girl nudity (full frontal)
Girl on Girl action
Hot oil wrestling girl on girl action
Punk rock girl nudity

WTF moment

Just seeing a hot Filipina chick go full frontal made me go....WTF!?!?! Awesome.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Some style, no substance. Just because Quentin Tarantino's name is on this, don't see it if you think you're gonna see Death Proof but with choppers.

But fuck, if you wanna see some old guys ride bikes, fuck hotties and stage lame ass shootouts, go right ahead.

You know you just wanna watch for the gratuitous nudity anyway.



Watch the trailer below.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Bitch Slap (New Trailer)

The 2nd trailer for Bitch Slap looks waaaaay better than the first. More explosions, more action, more cleavage!


Check out the trailer below.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Blood Feast (Review)

Blood Feast

Blood Feast (1963)

Directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis

You would have thought that I would have seen the first American splatter movie ever made.

But if you thought that, you would have been wrong.

The only film I've ever seen by Lewis was 2000 Maniacs which I absolutely loved. With 2k Maniacs, Blood Feast and Color Me Blood Red, this is what most have dubbed The Blood Trilogy.

And to be privy to seeing it is to see grindhouse flicks at its apex. It may be filled with horrible acting, blood red blood and full of cheesiness, but it spawned an American horror revolution...and its not too bad.

Hey even Juno loves Herschell Gordon Lewis movies.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

An Egyptian caterer kills various women in suburban Miami to use their body parts to bring to life a dormant Egyptian goddess, while an inept police detective try to track him down.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Try to pretend it's 1963, you're in Times Square at some grindhouse theatre. You've been watching to many Leave it to Beaver episodes and you see the poster above. You pay your $2 to see Blood Feast. Running at a minimum 70 minutes, you see scantily clad women get slaughtered in the most gruesome ways.

Think about it. This was something totally new. So totally fucked up, you're now totally disturbed. And this should not be taken lightly.

Let's bring it to modern times. How about the first time you saw Halloween or Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th. Remember that feeling?

That's what it was like to see Fuad Ramses (our notorious serial killer caterer) kill countless victims.

There are so many firsts in this movie. Let's list them.

1.) A women gets her eye cut out
2.) A women gets her legs cut off
3.) A women is scalped to death and her brain is removed
4.) A women's tongue is ripped out
5.) A women gets whipped to death
6.) A women gets her heart ripped out
7.) We see a killer "cook" human flesh
8.) Somebody dies via garbage truck compactor

Wikipedia also likes to add:

9.) Blood Feast is also one of the first films to show people dying with their eyes open.

Our first machete armed, Egyptian obsessed serial killer is Fuad Ramses.

He's got:

1.) "Crazy, weird eyes"
2.) A very noticable limp
3.) Speaks in incoherent blood thirsty sentences
4.) Prefers knives and machetes as weapons
5.) Is a caterer of exotic foods

Our cops are so inept it's a miracle the lead detective figures out who is the killer in the nick of time.

All in all, Blood Feast as the first American splatter introduces the formula that all other future splatter movies will follow.

1.) Deranged killer who stalks his prey (usually women)
2.) Elaborate, over the top gore and splatter scenes
3.) Cops/detectives hot on his trail
4.) Gratuitous nudity
5.) An ending that just doesn't live up the the hype

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

See above. Kinda listed it all there.

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

For a 60's flick, you've got some glimpses of nudity
Bubbly boobies
Scantily clad gratuitous bikini boobies

WTF moment

That tongue ripping scene. Classic!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Every gorehound and would be splatter-holic needs to see the Citizen Kane of splatter movies. It should be mandatory viewing for any horror fan (as well as many other HGL films). It's an education to see that Lewis and David Friedman (who produced it) were pioneers that evolved what horror movies could be.

2000 Maniacs, Gruesome Twosome (review coming soon!), The Gore Gore Girls, The Wizard of Gore and Color Me Bloody Red are being remade because the originals are classics.

Seriously, even Juno loves Herschell Gordon Lewis. So it' gotta be hip and cool right?


Check out the trailer.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

Zombie Hunters - City of the Dead (Review)

Zombie Hunters: City of the Dead (TV Series)

Zombie Hunters: City of the Dead (TV Series) (2008)

Directed by Patrick Davaney

The zombie-mania thats been plaguing America is a hit or miss thing. For every Rec there is a Diary of the Dead. For every 28 Days Later, there is a Automaton Transfusion.

But now its infected the independent world of cinema and the horror community.

After touring Chiller, I stumbled upon a booth of geared up soldiers ready to blow up shit. And they were offering something I've never heard of.

A zombie TV show.

Well that's new. A NYC production, they gave their sales pitch. We discussed the POV horror I hate so much and they laid out what they were all about. Hmmm. So I forked over some cash and bought myself a DVD of the first 4 episodes of Zombie Hunters - City of the Dead.

I support the indie horror scene. I was once a zombie on a low budget short film in college. You gotta give props to people willing to take a risk and make something they hope horror-lings will appreciate.

Well it's got heart.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

ZOMBIE HUNTERS is a show of modern horror. It details the lives of Billy Cassidy and his group of friends and family, all trying to survive the re-awakening of the dead in New York City.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The first feeling I got when watching ZH was like watching a living adaptation of a chapter in Max Brook's World War Z which is one of the best books about zombies...EVAR!!

World War Z told different stories of people's experience during the Zombie War. Each perspective gave you a view of what it was like and how people survived.

ZH, if somehow was jigsawed into WWZ was an interesting take on how New Yorkers would handle such a situation. Would we all take up arms and go all militia? Would we wait for the government to send troops to save us. Or would we make our house or apartment a fortress and build a fuckin moat?

Episode 1

The pilot was a quick intro to the main characters. Billy Cassidy our main anti-hero and his 2 friends Bates and Denworth. With the help of 2 doctors they save a couple who seem to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Episode 2

2 of our ZHs have to save a girl lost in the woods. Solid entrails eating and gratuitous headshots.

Episode 3

We get an intro to how the 2 doctors joined the team as they are attacked in a hospital.

Episode 4

The ZH's try to buy guns from a survivalist militia group and shit hits the fan.

The zombies are your generic, slow moving, very fuckin dumb, oozing guts, very pale zombies (fuck frenetic zombies!). Lots of moody music and trash metal are met with quick surreal shots that go for tone and atmosphere. Think lots of darkness and 60 watt lighting.

As low budget as ZH's is, it tries to give you that sense of dread of living in a world where the dead have come back to life. They hunt the dead in abandoned buildings, backwoods and dark streets. The suspense is littered but sometimes it dragged way too long.

The 3 main actors were all solid and gave decent performances. It was like talking to your friends at a BBQ but with zombies. A few cameo performances were outright horrible ranging from the distressed couple to a mom worrying about her daughter. Total spazzing wooden acting and outright reading your line performances, I could only wince.

But it's the zombie violence that bulks up Zombie Hunters. Back to the basics, Savini style, very minimal CGI gore and splatter. Headshots galore, finger flesh eating, intestine munching and white wall blood splatter.

It's that effort that makes up for the shortcomings of ZH.

And that's where the heart comes in. Zombie Hunters is ambitious, splicing in a TV newscast every episode complete with news anchors and "on the street" interviews which I found very entertaining.

The scope and landscape they wanted to accomplish may have been over ambitious but they pushed and pushed to make a horror TV show they wanted to make. And that's pure heart. A heart covered with blood, intestines and guts.

You gotta love it.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Headshots galore
Finger flesh eating
Intestine munching
Lots of zombie annihilation

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)


WTF moment

2 doctors fucking up a zombie

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

A few of the episodes are on YouTube. There have been worse low budget zombie epics than Zombie Hunters. There have also been better efforts.

This falls somewhere in the middle. If you still haven't gotten your fill of Romero, check it out.


The Trailer

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Friday, November 14, 2008

Kekko Kamen: Kekko Kamen Surprise (Review)

[It's the last Kekko Kamen Friday!!! Thanks to Insano Steve, we have a review of the Kekko Kamen series, a sleazy, Skinemaxish superhero movies straight from the headquarters of the strange, Japan. Insano Steve spared no expense in fleshing out the movies and you'll find his reviews stimulating and penetrating. Pun so intended!]

Kekko Kamen Surprise

Kekko Kamen Surprise (2004)

Directed by Takafumi Nagamine

[This review with 100% more breasts!!!]


Japan is a country with no natural resources. It's basically a bunch of barren rocks floating in salt water. But the Japanese have made the most of this unfortunate situation by working 18-hour work days and maintaining a conservative culture. This obviously takes a toll on the Japanese psyche so there must be some outlet for these repressed overworked souls. Hello Hentai!

Hentai is the happy collision of cartoons and pornography. The Japanese really love their hentai because:

1.) They're perverts.

2.) One resource they have is great imaginations. Japan is the most technologically advanced nation in the world. They can't just watch the same old porn over and over.

3.) They are youth-obsessed. Hello-Kitty/J-Pop crap is a freaking big deal there. And so are cartoons.

Let's take a look at my favorite hentai (well hentai minus the penetration), the wonderful Kekko Kamen. This was an anime that was ironically turned into a series of live-action movies. Kekko Kamen (which means "Big Tit Avenger" in English), is the story of a girl, Mayumi, who attends the boarding school, "Toenail of Satan's Spartan Institute of Higher Education".

The school is run by sexual deviants (the ManGriffons/MFG) who use the school to grope, peep, molest and torture the students for their own sexual gratification (hey, like the Catholic Church!).

The students' only protection from the pervs is Kekko Kamen. Our heroine wears only red boots, a mask (with rabbit ears!), gloves, scarf, and her trusted nunchakus. So she's always fully frontally nude. Oh Yeah!

Her special attack is her flying headscissor move, the "Muffication", which works by asphyxiating her enemy with her radioactive vagina. Kekko’s civilian identity is the one non-pervert teacher at the school. Though this is not technically pornography, it is certainly perverted (in a good way of course) and plenty of fun.


Here's a rundown of Kekko Kamen Surprise:

Oh fuck, where to begin. Part 4 here is utter shit. It seems like they pretty much blew the budget in part 3 and they produced this on $50.

Mayumi goes to Music school this time. Aki Hoshino is back in this one but looks like she filmed all her scenes in one day. She’s also shamefully wasted, as she’s mostly seen practicing violin in her lederhosen.

The perversion consists of a girl being tied naked to a see-saw, another girl being tied naked to a bass cello, and Aki being tickled with a feather.

Kekko eventually shows the girls her brand of music, by performing her own theme song on electric guitar. A sadly anti-climatic ending to this inspired series. Watching this, at times, I wondered, was it worth the $40 I paid the degenerate hentai dealer at that sleazy hotel room in New Jersey? But c’mon now, of course.

How else would I know of the splendid extents of cartoon-based perversion? As our beloved Kekko Kamen herself would say: “Panties are sacred to a woman. Wearing them on your head is unspeakable!” Profound stuff. Really makes you think......


Check out the generic trailer.

Now check out Aki Hoshuno showing her assets........

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Rewind: Gymkata (Trailer and Pommel Horse Fight Scene)

Over at Lurple, I read a review of a film called Tiger Heart (a cheesy 80s nerd knows martial arts movie) and it got me thinking about the hilarity and absurdity that is Gymkata.

I haven't seen Gymkata in years. I actually don't even remember much about the plot, or the actors or the ending.

But I do remember THAT SCENE.

You know the one.

A bunch of baddies, a champion American gymnast turned government operative and....a pommel horse.

This is a 80s cult classic at its finest.

Check out the trailer.

And the infamous pommel horse fight scene.

You gotta love the dismount kicks. 10.0!!!! Gold Medal!!!

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Run Bitch Run (Poster)

Let the exploitation craze begin.

With films like Grindhouse just the tip of the iceberg. And other reimaginings of the old Times Square days in the form of Black Devil Doll, Black Dynamite and Hell Ride all making comebacks, you knew it wouldn't be too long to see new rape and revenge flicks like Last House on the Left and Ms.45 (which I fuckin love)

So low and fuckin behold, bring on Run Bitch Run.

No trailer yet but a kick ass poster and a very easy to swallow plot is now available. See below.

RUN! BITCH RUN! tells the story of Catherine and Rebecca, two Catholic School girls going door-to-door selling Religious paraphernalia in order to pay for their education. Things go horribly wrong when they knock on the wrong door in the wrong neighborhood. After she is brutally raped and left for dead Catherine awakes with one thing on her mind, REVENGE.

Run! Bitch Run! is a throw back to the classic 1970's Rape and Revenge films like 'Last House On the Left' and 'Ms. 45. The film takes place in the late 1970’s where the lack of modern technology made the world a more vulnerable place. This is an original story that has not been explored in recent films. Its uniqueness and chilling subject matter lends itself to horror/thriller audiences looking for something new.

Written by Robert James Hayes II and Joseph Guzman.

Check out the official site for more info and production photos and cast info. Thanks to Arrow in the Head for the scoop.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Postal (Review)


Postal (2007)

Directed by Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll has been called a lot of stuff. People are determined to stop him.

The but in the context of the bizarro world of Boll films, I have to admit, Postal was actually fuckin tolerable.

Filled with such John Waters disgust and offensive material that puts South Park to shame, it's a parody of controversial insanity.

Who wants to make a good movie really when you could just show kids getting shot to death?

And we should all go to hell when we all laugh at that right?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In the ironically named city of Paradise, a recently laid-off loser teams up with his cult-leading uncle to steal a peculiar bounty of riches from their local amusement park; somehow, the recently arrived Taliban have a similar focus, but a far more sinister intent.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

A real review would be giving Uwe Boll my precious time and internet blog space. Instead, I'll cut to the chase and list all the fucked up shit in the movie. I mean, that's really what you wanted to read about right?

Actually funny shit.....

1.) Opening fucked up 9/11 scene and "virgin controversy"
2.) Hot, scantily clad naked hotties
3.) Random "postal" shootout massacres
4.) Crotchy dolls
5.) Little Germany amusement park
6.) Multiple kids getting their asses shot
7.) The cops fucked up activities

Just vulgar, dumb or fucked up shit.....

1.) Dave Foley's dick
2.) Fat woman porn
3.) Verne Troyer being a fuckin dumb ass
4.) Taliban and Osama Bin Laden parodies
5.) Insane, really over the top shootouts
6.) Uwe Boll cameo
7.) The cops fucked up activities
8.) The entire movie

This movie was actually 100 minutes. Seriously, that's 1 hour and 40 minutes I had to endure of a Uwe Boll film. But, for the first time I wasn't trying to rip my eyeballs apart. Yeah its fuckin offensive and vulgar and outright ridiculous, but I'd rather be watching this than some actual attempt of Uwe trying to turn Grand Theft Auto into a movie.

We still have to stop you Uwe. You really must stop making movies.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Gunshot wounds (multiple)
Suicide Bomber splatter
A alot of gunshot trauma

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Very hot naked hippie cult hotties show off their boobies

WTF moment


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Stop making movies Uwe. We know your movies are funded by Nazi gold. So why don't you just remake Women of the SS or some shit. It can star Kristanna Loken because we really need to see her naked.

You've got the power to get her to be naked onscreen.

Get to work Uwe.


The Trailer

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Monday, November 10, 2008

JCVD (Review)


JCVD (2008)

Directed by Mabrouk El Mechri

"Those who never make it are not aware"


Oh how do I begin my review of JCVD. Oh screw it. I loved this film from beginning to end. And I'm not just saying that because we here at the jaded viewer are big fuckin JCVD fans.

To get a full appreciation of JCVD one has to know the panorama that is Van Damme's career. Insano Steve and I are mother fuckin experts when it comes to this as we've seen every one of his movies.

Let me say that again so you all can understand the rarity of such a thing.


This includes the JCVD golden era (Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Lionheart, Universal Soldier etc), the JCVD Silver era (Hard Target, Time Cop, Sudden Death) and the JCVD Bronze era (The Quest, Maximum Risk, US: The Return). Of course, there is the JCVD Bargain Bin era (his straight to DVD made in Bulgaria, character action flicks which include Replicant, In Hell, Second in Command, etc.)

So experts would be us. I mean we even established a JCVD spinkick rating system.

So believe me when I say that we can safely put JCVD into the pantheon that is the golden era. It's got a docu feel filled with more or less some truthiness. If you could make a pseudo memoir into a movie, this would be it. Add the fact it's freakin funny as hell and has some genuine emotion from Van Damme, you've got Van Damme's first character driven flick he's ever made.

And I gotta admit, Van Damme plays himself perfectly.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Between his tax problems and his legal battle with his wife for the custody of his daughter, these are hard times for the action movie star. In JCVD, Jean-Claude Van Damme returns to the country of his birth but finds himself in the middle of a robbery gone awry.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

From the opening scene of a one take action scene taking place in a nameless war zone, I was getting my spinkick on. JCVD was kicking the crap out of baddies, shooting them out of the sky and saving the damsel in distress.

Ahh the action hero of all action heroes as we all see him via the cinema. But as we plopped along, we delved into a biopic mode and saw how are former action hero as to cope with the custody of his daughter and make a living as a Bulgarian action star.

The film is told in four non-linear sections showing different persepctives. We see the public’s POV of the events, Van Damme’s POV, and before and after the robbery.

Each little tidbit gives us a glimpse into JCVD, how he's perceived and how he perecives himself.
It's Van Damme's acting (I'm serious!) that can't be ignored. In some sporadic moments, Van Damme's english accent is dominant, but the natural French speaking JCVD portrays himself effortlessly (hey why don't you try acting as a hyper meta variation of yourself, I think it's fuckin hard).

Each of the section's has highlights that create a complex man, one that even E's A True Hollywood story couldn't do justice.

Public POV

Van Damme's many fans are present as taxi cab drivers, video store clerks, cops and bank robbers are in awe of the man. One improvised scene has JCVD chatting up a taxi cab woman as fan meets superstar. Done so well, so simple, you appreciate a scene where only a few words tell an emotional landscape.

Another scene has a "big" fan have JCVD show off his trademark high leg kick. Every JCVD fan gets it. We get his "stretching" abilities, his kick ass persona, his Hollywood "He brought John Woo to America".

Wink Wink.

In one final climactic scene, we get what we wanted as we see Van Damme kicks ass in front of the crowd. He then proceeds to high five fellow officers and taps his chest in a moment of total self ego. Totally fuckin awesome. So classic. So Van Damme.

Before the Robbery

As JCVD fights for the custody of his daughter, we see via flashbacks as a lawyer bashes JCVD on the flicks he has made (see the trailer). Totally funny, dead on and inside joke heavy. We also peek in on convos JC has with his agent.

The best lines stem from JC's "Bulgaria producer funded flicks" (so true) and his character action motivated films. He soon finds out he has lost a part to his nemesis Steven Seagal (because Seagal was willing to cut off his dumbass pony tail) . Seagal still makes movies? Really?
Oh how the mighty have fallen. The true JCVD fans know EXACTLY what he's talking about which make it an atomic bomb of full on hilarity.

Van Damme’s POV

As the robbery progresses, JCVD is thought to be the mastermind behind the robbery. In truth, 3 bumbling robbers are keeping everybody hostage and using Van Damme to make their demands. It's Van Damme's authenticity of helping the hostages and saving his own ass that make JC's performance so mesmerizing.

The truly standout scene is initiated where we see him have a out of body floating-ish monologue about his past drug addictions, his family and wives and the price of Hollywood stardom.

It was like a spinkick of acting. A Dim Mak right into the stomach. Van Damme screaming "Uncle". Totally fuckin mesmerizing.

After the Robbery

The ending is seemingly a parody of real life stars in goofy improbable situations. But it ends nicely. Touching and emotional. Totally NOT LIKE a regular JCVD flick.

Like driving on a hill, we get some highs and lows. Awesome-rific moments of pure funnyness, some real nitty gritty suspense and action, wads of gut wrenching, crying Van Damme emotions and a character variation of this man called Jean Claude Van Damme.

You couldn't write a better character. Because you can't make this stuff up because most of it is true.

Awesome flick. One of the top 5 movie of 2008 easily.


Watch all of JCVDs library of flicks

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Hahahahahaha. This isn't gore you're looking for. Move along.

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)


WTF moment

It's this scene I mentioned before.

[We get what we wanted as we see Van Damme kicks ass in front of the crowd. He then proceeds to high five fellow officers and taps his chest in a moment of total self ego. Totally fuckin awesome. So classic. So Van Damme.]

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

You knew I was going to give this 4 spinkicks didn't you? One of the best movies of 2008. For the true JCVD fan, this has to be seen. For the art house, indie movie crowd, it's perfect.

JCVD was suppose to be on hand for a Q and A after the movie but alas he had to care for his sick dog or was it reshoots for Full Love, I'm not sure anymore.

Insano Steve says that Van Damme is not allowed in the country anymore. We also realized we hadn't seen a Van Damme movie in the theatre since 1999.

I was glad to see JCVD back in the theatres. It was about fuckin time.


Check out the trailer.

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Friday, November 07, 2008

JCVD (US and NYC Premiere)

I'm so fuckin excited. Today I'm going to see the NYC premiere of JCVD at the Angelika. If you're in the NYC area, you should check it out.

Van Damme was suppose to do a live appearance Q and A after the screening but crap, he had to do reshoots of his new movie Full Love. Fuckity, fuck...

I had so many questions for him.

Will there be Replicant 2?
Will the success of JCVD propel him back to theatrical spinkicking US blockbuster releases?
Can he kick Tony Jaa's ass?
What the hell happened to "Kumite"? Is that shit still in the works?

Dammit. What a lost opportunity.

Oh well. But JCVD is getting tons of great reviews. The trailer looks megatastic.

I'm expecting spinkicks galore.

Check out the trailer one more time.

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Thursday, November 06, 2008

Red Velvet (Trailer)

The buzz for the horror-sphere in 2009 is that it's shaping up to be above average. We all know Friday the 13th comes out in Feb but a few buzz worthy films are slowly creeping up the horror ladder.

Red Velvet has been getting some rave reviews. Indie fuckin horror. Fuck yeah.

From the trailer, it looks like it blenders horror and comedy (and heavies up on the gratuitous nudity and sex)

Is 2009 the year of the horror-omedy?

Check out the trailer below. And the official site.

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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Mondo Cannibale (Review)

Mondo Cannibale

Mondo Canniable aka Cannibal World aka Cannibal Holocaust: The Beginning (2003)

Directed by Vincent Dawn (aka Bruno Mattei)

Bruno Mattei has a resume of seemingly MST3K worthy movies. Most of them ripoffs of many big blockbuster hits: Terminator, Zombie, Jaws.

So its fitting he'd make a shot by shot remake of Cannibal Holocaust. And for all its Ed Wood qualities, I can't say this is total utter shit. It's sorta got a B-movie Hollywood popcorn feel to it.

It's definitely a midnight matinee movie I'd go see, with friends and totally make fun of. And so that's the way I'm looking at it.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The network where the famous anchorwoman Grace Forsyte works, is collapsing and she would do everything to regain the favor of the audience, therefore she convinces her professional team to go to the Amazon jungle for a sensational scoop about the cannibals.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Thank God for Chiller. Yes I could have possibly torrented or found this flick on eBay. But Chiller gave me easy access to buy these flicks as they should be bought. Bad DVD cover art, bootleg DVD-R disc with no labels and half the description on the back in Japanese!


What you're looking for in any cannibal movie is the following:

1.) Cannibals (duh!)
2.) Gratuitous nudity
3.) A scene of a pure, unadulterated, disgusting sicko atrocity
4.) Cannibal picnic munching
5.) White people disturbing an indiginous culture

Let's take a look at each piece of the puzzle more closely.


Looks like they got their cannibal extras from the Philippines (as this is where it was filmed) and if dressed up properly, anybody can pass as a cannibal. Fuck John McCain could be a passable cannibal.

A few "hi mom" moments from our pretend cannibals, some fucked up carnivore munching and for the most part you got a decent convincing tribe.

Gratuitous Nudity

Our intrepid white reporters give us some shiny boobies to look at. Perfectly tanned!

A scene of a pure, unadulterated, disgusting sicko atrocity

This movie had plenty. But I gotta go with the ripping of a pregnant woman's stomach and munching on her unborn fetus and intestines. Also, a beheading and some burned alive tribal women. And all filmed by our documentary filmmakers for their cable channel.

Seriously what channel is this on?

Cannibal picnic munching

Lots of it. Even some brain munching and some testicle eating. Because testicles are fuckin tasty.

White people disturbing an indigenous culture

You know very well whats going to happen to our documentary crew. For ratings, they decide to stage a "attack" from a neighboring tribe and start to fuck up the locals. Burning their village, women and children, shooting the shit out of people.

And ironically, they get what they deserved in the end. Eaten alive.

And you know why they lost? Because like zombies, there are a fuckin lot of cannibals. It's pure numbers really. You can shoot them, but your gonna run out of ammunition.

And they keep coming. And they're hungry and pissed. And testicles are yummy.


Every movie on this list: Top 5 Cannibal Movies of All Time

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Cannibal eating
Burned beyond recognition
Intestine splurging
I kind listed everything in my review didn't I?

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

See gratuitous nudity

WTF moment

There was gratuitous rape. Read that again. Gratuitous rape.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you want to MST3k this, this is the perfect movie for you. If you want to see a cannibal movie, go see one of the Top 5 I listed above. Bruno Mattei made a Commandoes vs Cannibals movie which I think is probably more fun to watch than this piece of crap.

But hey, I'll take my cannibals anyway I can get em.


The Trailer

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