Friday, August 12, 2011

5 Horror Movies Hollywood will NEVER remake (because they don't know how to)

OK, maybe I shouldn't have said NEVER. Because knowing Hollywood, anything is possible if they think they can make a buck. Hell I was going to put Hitchcock's The Birds on this list but according to IMDB there is a remake on the way. Sigh.

I always assume Hollywood would never touch the horror classics to remake. And you'll see some are on this list. But here are 2 flicks that probably won't be remade either.


Cannibal Holocaust

the jaded viewer says: No way Hollywood exploits this exploitation masterpiece. I mean its still offensive today as it was 1980. But then again, a remake of Faces of Death is on the way so I could be wrong.


the jaded viewer says: I'm pretty sure Spielberg will never make a remake or allow a remake of his classic to ever appear on screen again. We can kinda make movies around a killer shark (ahem Shark Night 3D) or different killer fish (ahem Piranha 3D) but a whole remake with all the classic characters. Never gonna happen.

Here's the top 5.

5.) The Blair Witch Project

the jaded viewer says: Surely the classic 1st person/shaky cam/found footage originator is going to be remade at some point right? But like I say, I don't think Hollywood knows how to remake a movie where the characters are pseudo real people. You might think they'd just rewrite it a bit and show the scares we all saw in 1999. But part of the creativeness of BWP was the actors had no idea what would happen. Could Hollywood attempt to do this today? They could but it would probably turn into the campers tweeting their way into the woods.

4.) Freaks

the jaded viewer says: Just like Cannibal Holocaust, this would be waaaay offensive to remake in this day and age. Currently, Freaks is #23 on the best horror movies of all time on IMDB. Remember, real midgets and the like were cast and I'm assuming little people (I think that's what they want to be called) would absolutely freak out (see what I did there?) if this was remade. It's exploitation genius back in 1932 is now sadly a buried genre today. Hollywood knows this would be toxic, never ever to be remade.

3.) Suspiria

the jaded viewer says: Hollywood I don't think will ever remake Dario Argento's classic because well they don't have a clue about how to make Italian Giallo. And because Argento's Giallo totally went into a clusterfuck with the whole Adrien Brody thing, we'll probably never see any attempt at Hollywood to revitalize this genre. It's probably better this way as it's hard to imagine Argento allowing this to happen.

2.) The Exorcist

the jaded viewer says: Sure there have been prequels, but there has never been a mention of a whole remake of the classic. And Hollywood knows, if they fuck it up they would be totally screwed. But I don't doubt Hollywood wouldn't try it but it's hard to think they'd do it half ass. Attempting a remake would be so fuckin scary for Warner Bros. they know nothing and I mean nothing would change how we feel about the original. Every actor/actress cast, every production still, every little change to the story would be super analyzed in this Web 2.0 day and age.

Would you watch a remake of this classic? It might be the first one where viewers actually boycott a remake of a film. OK I'm probably going a bit overboard there.

1.) Brain Dead

the jaded viewer says: It's to be argued if Peter Jackson's Braindead is the penultimate zombie flick of all time. It's definitely top 5 zombie film of all time. And with zombies somehow still bankable in the Hollywood system, you would think one studio exec would be like "well we could remake Braindead. It's like on every top 10 zombie movie of all time list". It's amazing there hasn't been any rumor of this being remade.

And that's why it will probably be never remade. Because there is no possible way to remake Jackson's gore soaked classic without resorting to CGI stupidness. And if you're thinking that Jackson himself would remake his own classic (or even make a sequel) I think he's probably to big time to do it.

In any case, one of the greatest gore and splatter flicks will remain untouched from Hollywood's hands...and seriously that's a damn good thing.


OK am I wrong with these picks? Which of these flicks do you think has a good chance of being remade? Any other flicks you think should be on this list?

Sound off jaded viewers.

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  2. After I watched Martyrs, I thought to myself how Hollywood would never touch it; but, sure enough, it's being remade--and I heard they're going to give it an optimistic/positive ending. Good list! I would love to see a remake of Cannibal Holocaust. That would be a laugh-a-minute watching Hollywood quarrel with PETA and try to balance being PC versus sticking to the film.

  3. ha! What about "A Serbian Film"? Can you see Hollywood remaking THAT?? Of course, they'd have to call it "An American Film" and make all the characters rich with really white teeth. I mean, who's ever heard of Serbia? ;-)

  4. I think Hollywood is shameless enough to remake ALL of these, unfortunately. FX are cheaper with CG, no name actors could still be used, 3D is enough of a gimmick to remake a couple other horror classics (Piranha, Fright Night), and not remaking one of these beloved films would mean a one long step towards originality. And we know. That aint just gonna happen.

  5. I'm sure that "Cannibal Holocaust" got remade as "Welcome to the Jungle" (not that one with the rock) or atleast that's what the Horror Channel's listing has it down as. Still the most shocking parts of "Cannibal Holocaust" are the Animal cruelty parts, god only knows how I'm still haunted by the turtle scene still.

    Great Post

  6. There's actually a pseudo remake of Freaks called Freaked starring alex Winters, Mr. T (bearded woman) Randy Quaid, Bobcat Goldwaith (sock puppet head) Brook Shields and others. It apes the basic conceit of freaks, but it plays out as slapstick comedy. It's pretty brilliant.

  7. I think you are dead on about Blair Witch and Freaks. There is no way in hell a Hollywood studio could remake either film without completely botching it. Hell, at this point I think they'd have a better chance with a Corky Romano remake.

  8. Sean Moynihan8/24/2011 6:32 PM

    I agree with everything on your list. I don't think they Argento will ever consider making his classic over again... I don't think his hands are steady enough to be in every "sneak up and kill" scene ;) But seriously though, his classic cannot be remade. The characters, the mansion, the crazy symph music are all to perfect to be redone. Not to mention watching susperia was like watching a moving artwork by Caravaggio; the blues, contrasting the reds and purple lighting was eye candy to me. Brain dead/ Dead Alive is another one I agree on. What you should have also included was Fulci's Zombi/Zombie 2. I don't think they could ever put a guy in a zombie suit and tell him to fight a REAL shark under water now-a-days. Agreed?