Monday, August 08, 2011

Exit 33 (Review)

Exit 33

Exit 33 (2011)

Directed by Tommy Brunswick

Really? $20 to fill up a tank of gas?

Clearly this film takes place in bizarro world. Exit 33 is not a good movie. To say it's a piece of crap is to insult crap. I mean that poster says it all doesn't it? Kane Hodder and his menacing stare armed with a tire iron? This is the best you got for this man?

Sigh.

What could have been a Hodder Hatchet-like performance turns to crap. Exit 33 is the equivalent of Rebecca Black's "Friday" but with dead bodies. Let me use her lyrics to illustrate this:

[Verse 1]

7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my jerky, gotta have it smoked
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the gas stop
Gotta kill some babes, I see my customers

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which girl can I kill?

[Chorus]

It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin

Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the Hodder

[Verse 2]

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which girl can I kill?

[Chorus]

It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin

Gettin’ down on Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the Hodder

Yesterday was a blonde girl, Thursday was a black girl
Today i-is brunette, Hodder (killin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is some random dudes
And Sunday comes after...wards (killin a hipster)
I don’t want this weekend to end

I won't include the rap verse. Wasn't that painful? Now you know.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A few miles off Exit 33 lies Ike’s Last Chance Gas, an old, forgotten hideaway where the reclusive Ike pumps gas and practices his taxidermy skills. Though he might come across as a simple soul, Ike has a dark secret: he’s obsessed with women who have enchanting eyes — eyes he wants to keep for himself. Now, as four friends make their way to their 5-year high school reunion, they all make the mistake of taking Exit 33, and they won’t be making it back to the highway any time soon.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I decided to tweet out my thoughts as I watched and hit up a couple of awesome horror bloggers Fred from Full Moon Reviews, Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, CTK from Planet of Terror and Geof at The Man Cave. Here our a few of their tweets surrounding the most important portions of the flick.

INITIAL THOUGHTS


fredthewolf: It's not a good flk at all. Hodder is the best part about it. I was bored watching it.

Mattsuzaka: It's not, but it's slightly entertaining in its ineptitude. I enjoyed it as a low-level B-Movie, that's about it (and) when I saw it had a 2.8 on IMDB, I had a good idea what I was in for!

realmancave: if you haven't watched Exit 33 yet, you are luckier than me.

THE CUSTOMERS

So Kane has kills because his dead wife tells him to or some such nonsense. However, nobody notices and Ike seems to get a ton of customers. This is summed up nicely by Matt and Fred in a few tweets.

Mattsuzaka: You have to wonder how this dude gets so much business when he certainly isn't getting repeat costumers!

fredthewolf:And no one ever wonders about the abandoned cars that park on the same spot of the road. Sigh...

THE DRIVING SCENES

Speaking of the road, the driving scenes are LOL bad.

fredthewolf: BTW, fave part were the driving scenes. Haven't seen backgrounds that good since Airplane!

planetofterror: that movie is so fucking terrible. Worst green screen scenes ever.

THE HODDER

But the reason we all watch this is for the Hodder. But it seemed like Kane was really giving much effort on this film. Here are mine and Geof's tweets on Kane's performance.

jadedviewer: I'm watching exit 33. Kodder is like giving it 13 percent effort in this flk.

jadedviewer: This Kane Hoddef flk is the "4 the paycheck" equivalent of Tony Todd doing those final destination flks

jadedviewer: Kane is just randomly punching women in the face. This should be a sitcom

jadedviewer:Kane's trademarked menacing stare just made a cameo! Oh wait his face is always like that

realmancave: Kane from WWE would have mailed in a better performance than Kane Hodder.


THE BATHROOM

More killin ensues via ocular trauma, slice and dice (you figure out where he the jerky comes from) and then our final girl shows up. This then gives our first look at the bathroom which has no stall doors, is covered in blood and filth and shit and doesn't have toilet paper!

Mattsuzaka: It reminded me of a time when I had to take a shit at a bar during a metal concert. The stall didn't have a door. That was scarier than Exit 33. Well, except for the crappy gas quality.

fredthewolf: Yeah, she was pretty hot. But I'm not into girls who use shitty toilets without paper on the seat 1st.

Suffice it to say, the only way you can get through a horrible film like this is to RiffTrax/MST3K it with some horror blogging friends. Exit 33 is boring, dull and a waste of the Hodder. If only they auto-tuned it, maybe it would have turned out better.

Nude-ipedia

A sex scene with clothes on is not acceptable under any circumstances for a horror movie

Gore-ipedia

Tom Savini is spinning in his grave (oh wait he's alive)

WTF moment


Kane punches women in the face...randomly

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie is now out on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures horror arm Vicious Circle Films. If you need to worship the Hodder, watch it. All others don't exit on Exit 33. I gave it 1/2 a spinkick because my review is awesome because of this crappy film.

The Vitals

Rating:
1/2 a

Check out the trailer.



4 comments:

  1. This came out awesome, Jaded! I feel honored to be a part of such a grand post with so many bad ass people!

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  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  3. Ha! What a great review! Whoever contributed to it are absolutely brilliant. :)

    ReplyDelete