The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2011

It's that time of year again where I go through all the crappy and mediocre movies I've seen and give you my best witty jabs from each review. Everybody has their worst of 2011 lists. But as I try to AVOID bad films, sometimes I'm lucky enough to not have seen any of the garbage. But when I really hate a film, I'll admit, it turns into awesome funny reviews.

So enjoy some quote snippets from the crap chunks of movies I saw that made me smash a few walls with my head....yet again,

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"The Anniversary at Shallow Creek is full of countless cliches, ranging from 1st person camera creeping in shots to loud BA BOOM! sounds to get you to jump. It didn't have a mirror scare but get this, no cell coverage is replaced with the fact they couldn't even find their cell phones!"

-from The Anniversary at Shallow Creek review

"Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place."

-from Bloodrayne: The Third Reich review

"The ending is completely out of leftfield. Hell I think it's out of the 20 yard line. Come to think of it, I had no idea what sport I was watching. The movie spun out of control and ended up being one long scene of boring."

-from Bleading Lady review

"Closed for a Season is a 2 hour (!) pseudo horror film that potentially could have been a scary flick with an abandoned amusement park as it's backdrop but they didn't put in a ride for the audience to scare us at all. And the purpose of the awesome rides like roller coasters is to get a fright and thrill for 2 minutes. That's a helluva rush. Instead we get a ferris wheel (which is our maxed out conclusion, how appropriate) and the viewer has ridden a ride of a film that did absolutely nothing.....That's just freakin boring."

-from Closed for a Season review

"The fact that I could watch YouTube FAIL videos while I watched this flick shows how long these boring scenes were. I'll admit, I've got American ADD and it's not my style to watch long drawn out scenes that set up a BOOO! scare. But even the scares were like flat soda."

-from The Coffin review

It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin

-from Exit 33 review (where I use Rebecca Black's Friday to create a parody lyrical review of this film, click on the link to read all the lyrics)

"OK I've watched a few women scorn movies but I'm no expert. I tend to use logic like an alpha male and start asking pesky questions. Call the police? Why wasn't this an option? I've seen my share of Law and Order: SVU and clearly the police can arrest somebody and convict them in an hour."

-from Fatal Secrets review

"If you think watching this film is the equivalent of reading Mary Shelly's book, you'd be wrong. Very wrong."

from The Frankenstein Syndrome review

"Fright Flick is campy and corny and jokey...like Jokey Smurf. Sure the explosion in a gift gag is funny the first 3 times but after a while you want Gargamel to eat that motherfucker. We carefully encounter a reveal which can be easily figured out using your standard Sherlock Holmes detective manual."

-from Fright Flick review

"Wolf dude tells TB about his life and he is lonely. Score! TB falls for it and they get into the lovemaking. It's a love scene but Tori Black makes it seem like she's on the 5th hour of a gangbang orgy."

-from Half Moon review (starring pornstar Tori Black and also where I count how many times the movie shows either boobs, the moon or a werewolf)

"The Human Centipede 2 is a competitive horror viewing contest. The original was easy to stomach, participants easily digested everything they took in. But HC2 is seeing a dude eat beyond his capacity and then vomit it all up. Do you really want to see that shit?"

-from The Human Centipede 2 review

"Black and white might've been an attempt at art. This shit ain't art. This shit is shit."

-from Insano Steve's The Human Centipede 2 review

"What's left is a indie movie that's ambitiously slick for it's own good. I can buy that there are redneck sections of Canada, but government conspiracies and a town hiding one of helluva secret is a bit much. Director Brooks Hunter via the press release says the movie reflects his bipolar disorder and there are metaphors throughout. Clearly if I knew this I'd have probably seen a broken glass of milk as something other than a broken glass of milk. Sorry, I'm not that clever."

-from Kenneyville review

"The film itself is a miragy mix of Harmony Korine's early stuff and it's just plain boring. Add in the visual nausea and the meanderings of dialogue (and bad acting) it's a milkshake of nonsense."

-from My Name is A by Anonymous review

"The dialogue is clever but the actors don't seem to have the comedic timing I was hoping for. Sure you'll get a chuckle on a few one liners but mostly it's a rushed indie blockbuster film with lots of ambition. The movie was made in some dude's house (maybe without their knowledge!) and their isn't a lick of gratuitous nudity (well somebody was gonna ask)"

-from Ninjas vs Vampires review

"All in all, The Poughkeepsie Tapes is Dowdle's grand attempt to cash in on the mockumentary and found footage craze at the same time. I think if I had seen this in 2008 I would have called it "revolutionary" and "creepy scary". But in 2011, I'll say it is revolutionary and creepy scary but I'll add in one more thing. "Cheaply dated"."

from The Poughkeepsie Tapes review

5.) I've tasted human blood and it kinda tastes like purple drink. Why can't these creatures just buy some purple drink from the local 99 cents store instead of murdering innocent mall shopping teens?

I like purple drink too. Next thing you know purple drink gonna be sold at Hot Topic and mass marketed to suburban kids everywhere. Gone will be the days where people enjoyed the novelty of purple drink as a cheap, watered down grape tasting beverage. What was your question again?

-from Prowl review

"The thing about a film that tries too hard, is well it tries too hard. Respire treads on so many horror genres, it felt like like a movie montage."

-from Respire review

"I knew from the moment I first saw the trailer for “The Roommate”, that it was a must-see movie (not necessarily a must-pay-to-see). As a bad movie connoisseur, I was pleased when this film received less than 10% positive reviews. Comically bad acting and incoherent plots are what I’m all about.....The Roommate definitely delivered the bad movie I was hoping for."

-from Insano Steve's The Roommate review

"Savage makes a SyFy original movie look like a Hollywood blockbuster. It's not only that the characters are boring, the plot is laughable or Bigfoot is clearly taking HGH. It's that the movie is filled with scenes of people talking about a plot and subplots I didn't care about. I believe it was something about some forest fire, shady real estate deals, an armed robbery and a pregnant woman......All I cared about was seeing a vicious Bigfoot killing and eating campers. And even that sucked."

-from Savage review

"We've all seen mice experiments before and you know eventually it'll get to the cheesy middle. It's how the maze is conceived is what makes it exciting. And Shellter has an interesting way to get there but your going to go on a lot of dead ends before you get there."

-from Shellter review

"I don't get it....Every other reviewer seems to think this was a creative and unique take on the old Romanian legend that spawned the vampire. Maybe I have ADD and can't stand long, boring scenes of nothing. Maybe I don't get the humor in this. Maybe I don't understand why Romanians speak English. Maybe I don't get the fact the film is goofing around with a generational gap.....Maybe I just don't get this flick. "

-from Strigoi review

"It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to."

-from Sweatshop review

"The entire film COULD and I stress could have been awesome. A horror comedy that relaxes the viewer, a ghost story that gets them edgy and a creature feature that gives you the sexual willies. But the first 2 never really got into the final story and by the end, you're not expecting much. Slices of Life is an unfired firework, ready to explode but nobody lit the fuse. Instead we're given sparklers and told "Have a good time kids!"."

-from 3 Slices of Life review

"I'm also a big Jamie Chung fan. I have no idea who Abbie Cornish is. And I have indeed seen Vanessa Hudgens naked."

"So the "dances" are actually the action scenes. Clearly OLD ME understands this film concept but TWEEN ME can't get enough of seeing Emily Browning do backflips and Jena Malone shooting a gun that weighs more than her."

-from Sucker Punch WTF List review

"I mean at times this movie got boring...I could only imagine what real ballet is like."

"This is like when Hogan went from the yellow and red to the black and white."

"Mila's been busted open!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!"

-from Black Swan WTF List review

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Also check out my previous year editions of The Best Quotey Quotables!

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2010

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009

What's your worst horror movie of 2011? Got any quotey quotables you want to add from some not so good movies this year? Comment away!

Categories: 2011 horror movies, bloodrayne, jadedviewer, kane hodder, the human centipede, the jaded viewer, the roommate, uwe boll, worst movies of 2011

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (Insano Steve Review)

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who after a long hiatus was forced at gunpoint to write his thoughts after seeing Tox Six's The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence]

Rather than give a full review of Human Centipede 2, I thought I'd go through some things that I liked about the movie, and some that I didn't. In honor of the centipede, I broke it down into 10 good and 10 bad things.

Good

1. The gore and special effects are excellent. Much more so than the original.
2. The killer is a fat slob, who is mute, asthmatic, and retarded. Unconventional!
3. The shameless flashbacks to the first part were (un) intentionally hilarious.
4. A character from the first part miraculously returns!
5. More feces than you will ever see, or would want to see.
6. Lacking medical knowledge, our new "doctor" uses household tools.
7. Watching a lady, who didn't know better, leave the theater in disgust.
8. An actual centipede attacks and maims an old woman. Symbolism!
9. Gratuitous prenatal infant trauma. And postnatal trauma.
10. The use of laxatives as a plot catalyst!
    

Bad

1. The whole movie is in black and white. It mutes the effect of the blood/guts.
2. There's no actual plot. No attempt to explain. No attempt to attempt.
3. Like 10 scenes of the fat slob using an inhaler. He has asthma. OK, we get it.
4. Seeing the fat slob wearing a thong walk around the house. Not good times.
5. Sorry, but seeing a room drenched in blood and feces needs to be in color!
6. The acting was horrible. Even when you consider the low expectations.
7. A little shit eating really goes a long way.
8. I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't all "100% medically accurate".
9. All of the boring non-centipede related murders.
10. Black and white might've been an attempt at art. This shit ain't art. This shit is shit.
    

And there you have it, a movie that delivers all the over the top decadence you hoped for. And literally nothing more than that. Grading on a curve....

Rating:
1/2

Here are more photos via UGO.com

Categories: 2011 horror movies, gore, indie horror, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, the human centipede trailer, tom six, underground splatter

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (Review)

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Directed by Tom Six

Sometimes your poop comes in pellet form, other times you need to set up a level 10 quarantine. It's these rather crude analogies that I've conjured up that equate themselves to the original and sequel for The Human Centipede . After eating a burrito, sometimes you fear the worst and sometimes that trip to the bathroom turns out not as bad as you thought it would be. That's what I thought of Tom Six's original.

The Human Centipede 2 is not a good film by any means but its like a newborn's dirty diaper....you get a hell of a surprise. Devoid of any decent plot, a psychopath that is a couple of deadly sins incarnate (think sloth) and 100% medically inaccurate, its a film that is a big "FUCK YOU" by Tom Six for anybody who claimed the original didn't go over the edge. I wrote in my original review: "I'd like to have seen it go over the edge and go into the realm of uncharted super duper uber fuckedupness"

Well Tom Six does exactly that. He should have taken elements from the original and mix in the fuckedupness in this film. But instead he goes waaaaay over the top in an artsy fartsy black and white splatter film and chooses to not give one single fuck about characters, plot and an antagonist we can fear or even be remotely memorable.

Sure the Human Centipede 2 makes 2 Girls, 1 Cup look like a Disney film, but at what cost?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Martin is a mentally disturbed loner who lives with his mother in a bleak housing project. He works the night shift as a security guard in an equally grim and foreboding underground parking complex. To escape his dreary existence, Martin loses himself in the fantasy world of the cult horror film The Human Centipede (First Sequence), fetishizing the meticulous surgical skills of the gifted Dr. Heiter, whose knowledge of the human gastrointestinal system inspires Martin to attempt the unthinkable.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The beauty of the original was the ridiculousness of Dr. Heiter and his obsessiveness to create a human centipede. Dieter Laser's performance was incredible and his "Feed her!" line will be uttered by horror fans for years to come. But our main sociopath, a mute and obese Brit named Martin is such a disappointment, one can only think that this is what Tom Six thinks of the hardcore horror fan. This fat penguin man, who is obsessed with Six's original film decides to go and make a 12 man centipede where the lovely Ashlynn Yennie will form the head (she's like the black Lion in this fucked up Voltron).

Working at a parking garage, his victims come in all forms from happily married couple, drunk party girls, a pregnant woman, random hooligans and a few other unfortunates that Martin encounters. He's a victim of sexual abuse via his father and his mom begs to have their angry neighbor "kill them both". The family doctor is as degenerate as Martin and makes an appearance as a ro-beast.

The movie is as predictable as your run of the mill slasher. Martin watches the original, jerks off, feeds his pet centipede (yes you read that right he has a pet centipede) stalks his victims and kills. Lather, rinse and repeat. It's the same old shit for like an hour. Six decides this meta-verse is him being crazy fuckin clever (he's not). That's not to say our mute Martin doesn't make a few intentional ha ha's. His excited cheering during the "feed her!" scene as he rewatches the classic and a few phone calls from a casting agent give us winks to the audience's knowledge of part 1. Martin is a walking grotesque, a child with a loaded gun that enjoys inflicting harm for his obsession. He's his own Dr. Frankenstein and squeals with glee as he shapes his very own human centipede but the only thing WE the audience care about is seeing his creation.

And that's why you have to watch an hour of this film to see it. And it's like seeing a Rorschach test made of human feces. Your only reason for sitting through this film is to see the fuckin full sequence. 3 was not enough for us. We want 6...no we want 9...how about 12!

Where the original had Dr. Heiter use a clean sterile environment and had medical precision for his experiment, Martin uses a dirty, filthy abandoned warehouse complete with rusty tools for his operation. And here comes the Gore-ipedia. Sliced knee tendons, really bad dental surgery, tongue trauma, staple gun frenzy and a lot of duck tape. The splatter and gore are at its peak and they are making gorehounds rejoice. It's not until we get to Martin's own "Feed her!" scene do we get to fuckedupness levels of fuckedupness. It's LITERALLY shit in motion. Even Martin's comeuppance at the end is a level of the surreal and definitely 100% medically IN-accurate.

The Human Centipede 2 is a competitive horror viewing contest. The original was easy to stomach, participants easily digested everything they took in. But HC2 is seeing a dude eat beyond his capacity and then vomit it all up. Do you really want to see that shit?

I'm not buying into any theory that HC2 has some underlying meaning in it. I firmly believe Tom Six was responding to all of us who LOVED the original or HATED it but both sides agreed it didn't go over the line of what it was advertised to be. But this time he delivers a disgusting, gore soaked and diarrhea of a film that has none of the awesomeness of what made the original so memorable.

All that's left to do after watching The Human Centipede 2 is to flush the toilet.

Nude-ipedia

A few boobs and ass via our victims
Martin's shirtless obesity made me throw up in my mouth a little

Gore-ipedia

See above labeled Gore-ipedia

WTF moment

Martin's comeuppance

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I'm giving HC2 2 spinkicks. It's not a good movie like I said but it's got scenes that I'll admit leave a damn fucked up imprint in your mind. I did laugh a few times because of the ridiculousness of it all but those LOLs were few and far in between. I had HC2 as the #1 Remaining Best of the Rest Horror Movies of 2011. What can I say? I got caught up in the hype.

The Human Centipede 2 is being distributed by IFC Films and will get a theatrical release on October 7th.

The Vitals

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Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, gore, indie horror, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, the human centipede trailer, tom six, underground splatter

The Remaining Best of the Rest Horror Movies of 2011

With about 4 months to go, I've scanned the remaining upcoming horror schedule for the rest of 2011 and picked my favorites. Of course I don't know if any of these will actually be good but one can only hope they live up to their buzz.

I always think the best horror movies usually release around Halloween (for obvious reasons) and then the battle for the horror supremacy gets packed with contenders.

Let's see if any of these pan out.

10.) American Horror Story

Releases Date: October 5th

the jaded viewer says: FX's new show is not a horror movie, but a show that all horror fans should be on the look out for. For now, the teaser is vague as fuckin hell, haunted house meets weird imagery? I need something to keep me entertained this fall.





9.) Grave Encounters

Release Date: August 25th - VOD/Theaters

the jaded viewer says: Already released, it's hard to judge Grave Encounters. It's got that Paranormal Activity ripoff going against it but it's got that reality ghost hunter thing going for it. I'm on the fence with this one but it's peaked my interest.




8.) Red State

Release Date: Sept 1st - VOD, Select Theaters - Sept. 25th

the jaded viewer says: I'm a Kevin Smith fan but even I am kind of up in the air on this flick. I guess I should ask all of you who've seen it. Yay or Nay?





7.) Paranormal Activity 3

Release Date: October 21st

the jaded viewer says: The prequel to the series might answer some questions. PA2 was a little too dumb but we could get something new to reinvent the series. But cmon now...Bloody Mary legend in your teaser?



6.) The Dead

Release Date: October 1st

the jaded viewer says: The Dead is probably the most anticipated zombie movie I've seen in a while. Old school Fulci zombies and actually set in Africa. It could turn out to be just another run of the mill zombie flick or it could kick so much fuckin ass. We shall see.




5.) You're Next

Release Date: ???

the jaded viewer says: Adam Wingard's latest flick is a horror comedy described as "Home Alone" horror flick. Just premiering at TIFF, it's gotten crazy good buzz with a bidding war ensuing. I always keep Wingard, an indie filmmaker extraordinaire on my radar.

4.) Chillerama

Release Date: November 29th

the jaded viewer says: The Adam Green/Joe Lynch/Adam Rifkin/Tim Sullivan grindhouse drive in horror comedy anthology looks b-movie-tastic. I mean its rare to have the following filmmakers get behind a project like this but as I said before, I believe the horror anthology is posed to make a comeback. Chillerama might be that juggernaut.




3.) The Woman

Release Date: October 14th

the jaded viewer says: Lucky McKee got great hype with that Sundance video where a guy so disturbed by the flick walked out of a screening. But the film is probably one of the most odd and unique flicks to ever come out this year and though may not totally shock, it will definitely be the definitive film of McKee's movies.



2.) Piranha 3DD

Release Date: November 23rd

the jaded viewer says: I can't wait to see this flick. Piranhas in a water park can only make for awesome kills and awesome nudity. I mean Katrina Bowden is in this and she's guaranteed to be in a freakin bikini. Great Scott! This is going to be heavy.

1.) The Human Centipede 2

Release Date: October 7th

the jaded viewer says: Love it or hate it, the Human Centipede made sure you thought of how far a film could go. Though it didn't go over the edge, the FULL SEQUENCE Tom Six promises is going to be way fuckin crazier. "Martin" looks absolutely fuckin slothy nuts. I can't wait.



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Any other horror flicks you excited for? Let me know what you think of my picks and anything else I've missed.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, chillerama, horror movies, piranha 3d, the human centipede

The Human Centipede (Full Sequence) - Teaser Trailer

Who knew Australia was more hardcore than Britain and the USA? It seems Tom Six's sequel to his infamous The Human Centipede (full review here) is being released uncut and uncensored down under. Those lucky blokes.

Check out the Aussie teaser trailer for THe Human Centipede Full Sequence below. No footage from the film is shown, just more reaction from supposed viewers.





Here's the original teaser with Tom Six.




What do you think? Is this movie going to be all hype or will it actually deliver the gory goodies?
I hope it goes way over the cliff in terms of insanity.

Full Sequence motherfucker!

Categories: the human centipede, the human centipede photos, the human centipede trailer, tom six

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#10-1)

Everybody has been posting their Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010. Sorry for taking so long to get this live but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year. I usually look at other people's lists and watch the movies that others claimed were the best. If I didn't, I would have missed out on a few sleepers this year.

Like last year, I've extended this to 20 films. If you missed #20 to #11, clicky here. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

• Though some of these movies came out in 2009, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2010 as coming out in 2010
• It's a mix of indie horror and theatrical releases
• Here are the movies I didn't see yet: Black Swan, Let Me In, Shutter Island, Paranormal Activity 2, After.Life and a few other indie horror films that ended up on some Top 10s
  
• The 20 films broken down by country: USA = 12, Canada=2, UK=1, Finland =1, Australia=1, Serbia=1, Netherlands=1, Spain=1
• The 20 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=1, 3 spinkicks= 16, 2 1/2 spinkicks=3 (I did not give any horror movie 4 spinkicks this year)
• Honorable Mentions: The Crazies, Daybreakers, Berdella, Dawning, etc.
  
• To read the entire review of the film click on the title.

So what did 2010 offer us in the world of horror?

• The horror mockumentary makes an appearance numerous times
• Shaky cam/Shot on video flicks haven't jumped the shark yet
• 3D Horror was everywhere and sucked in most cases
  
• The Human Centipede was the most talked about hype movie that bordered on mainstreeminess
• An unrated horror movie is too much for Hollywood theaters to handle
• The number one movie on my list is again not from the USA
  

I take it some of picks will lead to WTF faces and "Your fuckin crazy". Isn't that the fun of these year end Top 10s? Let's get to the list! Here is #10 to #1.


10.) Triangle
(3 spinkicks)

Triangle delivers everything you want from a horror movie. Heightened Hitchcockian suspense, twizzler twists and turns and there is blood by the pint. For a movie created out of the UK/Australia that boasts a group of Aussies doing their best American accents, it delivers on everything you want in a horror thriller.

Your mind will trip out from the amount of WTF is in this film. So much head turning plot twists you may need to drink some Four Loko to get it all straight. It all comes full triangle and by the end you checking IMDB message boards and trivia to find out what's the what.

I love the intertwining concept of loopy time and a mad killer on the loose. And when a boat slasher film gets you to think and scan the internet, it's one of the best this year.


9.) Rec 2
(3 spinkicks)

I'm not a huge fan of shaky cam first person POV horror. So going into Rec 2, I knew the SWAT team was going to get involved, we were going to get some possessed zombie kills and I was gonna get nauseous again. Cue the Dramamine.

Rec 2 is a superior movie to the original. It's amped up the infected, brought in the heavy weaponry via SWAT officers and thrown in some crazy Spanish hipsters who get exactly what they deserve. What you end up with is a sequel that twists and turns you on every scene and makes you big gulp in complete darkness.

I gotta say, the Rec movies are the best this POV genre has to offer. They are solid flicks and use the POV gimmick very well. Rec 2 does jack up the scares, the claustrophobia and the tension. Out of all the the POV movies I've seen, Rec 2 is so far the best of the rest.


8.) Babysitter Wanted
(3 spinkicks)

Babysitter Wanted is everything The House of the Devil should have been. It's got the same premise as Ti West's film. College girl with lousy roommate gets a gig to babysit a couple's young little tyke in the middle of boonies USA. Suspense is drawn out as mysterious phone calls start ringing, she frantically searches for the kid and than the big reveal is well...revealed.

Babysitter Wanted is what I wanted from The House of the Devil. It takes that babysitter urban legend and squeezes every drop of horror onto the screen.

A very solid horror movie that actually lives up to what it was trying to do. All in all, Babysitter Wanted hits on all these notes and does it without including the 80s nostalgia.


7.) Piranha 3D
(3 spinkicks)

Piranha 3D is as cheesy and as yummy as advertised. As the only movie that's 3D on my list that says a helluva lot. 3D, tits, piranha and gore. What more did you want from a film Alex Aja?

Via Insano Steve's review.

Hey a 3D horror movie can be good after all. As long as it is good as a 2D movie first. Don't be fooled just by the 3D part. Although, something must be done about the pricing. $16.50 for a 3D movie makes these things hard to recommend.

But in the end, if you know what to expect here (a fun gore-filled teenage t&a slaughter fest), well then Piranha 3D delivers on that. Whether that means I'll go see Piranha 4D (or whatever they call the sequel), that remains to be seen, .....



6.) Dead Hooker in a Trunk
(3 spinkicks)

Dead Hooker in a Trunk is a modern day black comedy exploitation film of pulpy goodness. As the title suggests, shit hits the fan when our troupe of twin sisters, a Jesus freak and a junkie find a dead hooker in a trunk. It starts off a chain reaction of ass kicking, appendages being ripped apart, some sexual molesting and a bloody bloodbath.

The Soska Sisters first feature film is raw in that grindhouse way and has that Tarantino feel with a extra dose of indie grittiness. You'll laugh, you'll wince, you'll metal head bob your head due to the awesome soundtrack.

DHIAT is a mad mad bizzaro movie that has everything you would want. Hot kick ass girls, some ha ha's and LOLs and one killer soundtrack. I've got the Soska Sisters on my radar, it's time the rest of the world has them on theirs.

"What's not to love about junkies, bad asses, hot women and a dead hooker in a trunk?"

5.) Hatchet 2
(3 spinkicks)

Arguments aside Hatchet 2 deserved at least a decent theatrical run to prove old school American horror can survive theatrically. When all that floods US theaters are PG-13 3D CGI kills snoozefests, one can only wonder if the 80s inspired slasher films can survive in this climate. Obviously not.

But on the merit of a horror film, Hatchet 2 is a sequel that literally starts off where the last one ended. Everything about Hatchet 2 follows the sequel formula to a tee. It's been said before that Green's Hatchet is to Alien as Green's Hatchet 2 is to Aliens. Hunters abound in the sequel and all hell breaks loose. But we'll get to that in a sec.

Hatchet 2 is an unapologetic splatter slasher flick that says "Fuck You" to the other horror movies of 2010. It's the big bully in the room that taunts you, gives you wedgies, makes you feel sympathetic towards it then punches you in the face and takes your lunch money. Straight out, it's one of the best horror movies of 2010.

4.) The Last Exorcism
(3 spinkicks)

The Last Exorcism is one of the best horror movies of 2010 by far. Not because it had elements of Paranormal Activity or exorcism scares, but because somehow the mockumentary feels as real as real could be. Evangelism is clearly a scary thought in general, but when you you see how real the fakery can be and how people will believe in "the show", that's what's truly scary. The Last Exorcism amplifies this horror wise but the foundation is not without a chill to the bone factor as well.

The shot on video POV should have jumped the shark here but didn't. It reminded me of Lake Mungo, which is #3 on this list. When done well these fake docs somehow get the jumpy jumping. It's a smart mock and I liked the mockery of religion.

Sure it got a little cliched towards the end though it ended cleverly, it's a haunting feeling nevertheless.



3.) Lake Mungo
(3 1/2 spinkicks)

I must admit, Lake Mungo was not on my must-see radar when reviewing the After Dark Horrorfest movies. But this is the hidden gem beneath the proverbial sand of the eight films. I was exceptionally surprised at how great the movie was and amazed that it didn’t slowly evolve into a cheap Paranormal Activity gimmick.

The trailer and poster are very misleading and you may be convinced you’re seeing a midnight movie set to deliver jolts of jump scares.

Lake Mungo is your counterpoint to the jump scare ghost cinema verite type film. You will be so convinced by its authenticity, you may be calling a psychic to find out if it’s real or not. Or just head over to Wikipedia. Because if its on Wikipedia, it’s true.


2.) The Human Centipede
(3 spinkicks)

The most hyped up film of 2010 horror wise. The Human Centipede is pretty much a "I loved it" or "I hated it" type of film. It's reputation sealed itself when you hear the concept of what's being done and sure it doesn't go over the edge in execution, it clearly boggled the horrorsphere in every way imaginable.

The Human Centipede is a tornado of a film that challenges your visual senses and challenges your brain to compute what you're seeing. It's really something you've never seen before and that's the beauty of it. It takes about an hour to get the completion of this new Frankenstein like creation but its well worth it.

I fell on the I loved it side and though I wished it had gone further, seeing our mad scientist have his dreams come true was my dream come true as well.


1.) A Serbian Film
(3 spinkicks)

Many of you haven't yet seen A Serbian Film and somehow be thankful you haven't. But I have and when a movie scars you like this one did, it easily cements itself as the #1 horror film of 2010.

Was it a movie critiquing the Serbian government's brainwashing of ordinary citizens into committing atrocities during the war? Or is it a vile, disgusting piece of crap pretending to be art?

Honestly, I don't know. As I watched I tried to see if there was satire as we watch the de-evolution of our main character Milos. But viewing fucked up scene after fucked up scene, I was kind of shocked into a jaded submission of WTF. Something is being said about the Serbian's ravaged past but all that kept echoing was "NEWBORN PORN!"

That is one of the many fucked up things that happens in A Serbian Film.

Critics have either praised or been disgusted by the film and I now know why. Having heard of this film through the festival grapevine (and that it was being banned from film fests) I can honestly say it's a downright despicable film from the beginning and especially towards the end.

In the vain of Palumbo's Murder Set Pieces, Buttgereit's Nekromantik, Oldboy, August Underground and Hostel, the movie shocks and shocks until you vomit and then shocks some more. I of course have made it a point to see all the most fucked up movies and to be honest, yeah it's sickening but not as sickening as I thought it would be.

Could a commentary on Serbia's government and the lives of its citizens NOT be done in such a vile manor? Sure, but nobody would go see it. Only the art cinephiles would see a subtitled film portraying the atrocities of a small country in Eastern Europe.

So Srdjan Spasojevic and writer Aleksandar Radivojevic decided to go the exploitation/horror sub genre to make a point. Exploitation is now the new chic, the "It" genre, the rebooted sub genre that used to be the stepchild of the horror genre.

And that's why I think it's effective and the best horror film of 2010.

******************************************

I've seen your Top 10 list, now you've seen mine.

OK, I know you horror minions have your 2 cents. So go ahead and let me have it. Throw that smelly poop at me or if on the off chance you partially agreed on some of my picks, send me that love. Chime in and let me know what you think.

This list of the Top 20 Horror Movies of 2010 also is an opportunity to see the movies you may have missed that made many of the best of 2010 within the horror community. We all missed a few flicks here and there. I hope you all give all of these movies a chance and then come back and let me know what's the what.

The Jaded Viewer Related Linkage

• Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#20-#11)
  
• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2010
• Top 5 Action Movies of 2010
  

Categories: 2010 horror movies, a serbian film, hatchet 2, lake mungo, piranha 3d, the human centipede, the last exorcism, top 10 horror movies of 2010, top 10 underground cult movies of 2010

The Human Centipede (Review)

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)

Directed by Tom Six

I've already seen a child molester kill teens in their sleep. Been there, done that. What I've never seen is an insane surgeon surgically connect 3 human beings ass to mouth. If you had the choice....which movie would you have seen last Friday?

It was an easy choice for me. It didn't hurt that the cast of The Human Centipede would be in appearance at the IFC Center in NYC to do a Q&A after the film (Tom Six, the director and actors Dieter Laser, Ashley Williams, Ashlynn Yennie and Akihiro Kitamura were all there)

So in a packed theater which I knew would add to the "midnight feel" of the experience of his "100% medically accurate" film, it was quite an experience. You could hear some gasps, screams, groans and disturbed applause when you finally see the human centipede onscreen.

Damn that was awesome.

So what did I think? The Human Centipede is a tornado of a film that challenges your visual senses and challenges your brain to compute what you're seeing. It's really something you've never seen before and that's the beauty of it. It takes about an hour to get the completion of this new Frankenstein like creation but its well worth it. Its definitely for "The Core" type moviegoer and is on the edge of indie horror cinema. My only gripe is it didn't go over the edge which is what I had wanted to see.

So let's pass some gas on this one shall we?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Two pretty American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up alone at night with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in his terrifying makeshift basement hospital along with a Japanese man.

An older German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three "patients" are not about to be separated, but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy "the human centipede".

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The Human Centipede can be broken down into 3 distinct situations like a doctors appointment. So let's get run with that analogy because I'm a sucker for medical puns.

"The Waiting Room"

The movie starts off with a photo of a preliminary centipede made by Dr. Heiter. We'll get to know the great Evil that is Dr. Heiter later on but the first 30 or so minutes is dedicated to the party girls Lindsay (A. Williams) and Jenny (A. Yennie) who are in Germany on a backpacking trip.

Six said during the Q&A that he loved those American films of the 70s and 80s and the basic premise of an American girl who gets involved in dastardly circumstances. Six does nothing new here as we all know that a flat tire on a car will lead to Dr. Heiter's house of horrors. There is scene as our beloved American fashionistas have to converse with a icky, fat German man who has more on his mind then the girls flat tire. It's purely comical and that is your first introduction that you're not seeing a straight horror flick but a black comedy of sorts as well.

It's this balance that Six tries to deliver over 90 minutes. He injects comedic visuals and dialogue with the most disturbing imagery we have ever seen. And I have to admit, it works. To get a few laughs in makes it somewhat tolerable.

There will be a minority of people who "get" the black humor in this movie and I believe the majority will be appalled by the sensory overload. If you get it, you'll see the movie's awesomeness. The NYC audience got it completely (well nobody walked out of the theater as far as I could see)

"The Diagnosis"

Now @ Dr. Heiter laboratory of freaks, the girls are kidnapped along with a Japanese dude (A. Kitamura). Here, they (and we) are told in some awesome diagrams what will be done to them. The diagrams are completely simple and explained by Dr. Heiter in such bold, grandiose fashion that he his insane surgery becomes 1% plausible in all our minds.

Dr. Heiter (D. Laser) may go down as one of the most craziest, eviliest and mentally disturbed doctors in horror movie history. His speech in a drawn out, monotone German accented voice is clearly chilling. Laser's performance is brilliant, making the doctor who originally separated Siamese twins evolve into a mad surgeon that is similar to that of the iconic Dr. Frankenstein. All that is important is the medical breakthrough.

Later, the good doctor has to deal with some cat and mouse action with an escapee and we see the doctor at his uber evilest. He even taunts his mouse, threatening intense pain and in a wicked scene that plays out in a swimming pool, he proves his point.

The movie goes into suspense mode but the outcome has a foregone conclusion. The audience is obligated to root for the insane proctologist at this point and I happily obliged. I wanna see a fuckin Human Centipede...I mean who wouldn't?

"Surgery and Recovery"

Montaged is the surgery so the grossness of it all is compacted into quick edits of fleshy gore. The montage is hilariously LOL, as we see Dr. Heiter exhausted and upon looking at his final creation egotistically kisses himself in the mirror, proud of what he's done.

Seeing our new human centipede in action is quite a sight.The Japanese dude is at the head, our escapee in the middle and our American diva at the rear. Dr. Heiter treats this monstrosity almost as a pet, teaching them new tricks, locking them up at a cage and feeding them morsels of food.

Now connected gastronomically, the first eating, digesting and shitting transaction would seem to be the penultimate scene of the entire movie. In this movie history first our Japanese head yells in banzai-like Japanese "I'm sorry, I have to shit!!!" This initates our fearless surgeon to utter "Feed Her! Feed Her!" and thus becomes the most memorable quote in The Human Centipede.
The scene is utterly goofy and lacks the punch I wanted to see. Did I want to see Montezuma's Revenge or a 2Girls 1Cup style fuckedupness? Yeah, a part of me wanted to see some sick shit. But the movie plays it out visually R and I guess we should be thankful.

As the movie concludes, we have a Mexican standoff of sorts between our human centipede, our insane medical professional and law enforcement. The ending delivers some goods, though one final encounter between master and creation lacked the payoff I was hoping to see.

The Human Centipede is not a perfect movie but it does something that the other movie that came out the same day doesn't do. It's fuckin original.

Six mentioned during the Q&A how that the idea started out as a joke with friends that he thought the best punishment for say child molester would be to get his mouth connected to some dirty truck driver's ass.

He then concluded this would make a great horror film.

Well he's right. The Human Centipede is clearly a film that stands on the edge of horror. The simple joke that turned into an idea that turned into a movie is clearly a connected centipede of horror awesomeness.

Sure I'd like to have seen it go over the edge and go into the realm of uncharted super duper uber fuckedupness, but the First Sequence is a step in the right direction.

Nude-ipedia

As part of the centipede, our American fashionistas are nude

Gore-ipedia

Unscheduled medical surgery ickiness
Various forms of violence
.....THE MOVIE HAS HUMAN BEINGS CONNECTED ASS TO MOUTH!!!

WTF moment

The digestion process scene

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Six has said that part 2 "The Full Sequence" is in the works and could be a full 12 people (I'm not sure if he was joking). He also mentioned that he had some stuff that's more crazy and intense in store for the sequel.

Sure you can take your child molesters and burn them, but all that would have done is make the perv make a deal with dream demons and thus cause him to kill your teen kids in their sleep. What the parents on Elm Street should have done was connect the child molester's mouth to somebody's asshole.

See, that would have been the better choice.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: independent cinema, indie horror, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, the human centipede trailer, tom six

I'm a fan of watching people get surgically connected by their anus

Last September, I first heard of The Human Centipede and my jaw dropped. The stills were WHA!?!? The plot was double WHA?!? I even wrote:

"Is this the start of biotorture horror?"

The thing about a movie like The Human Centipede is its like eating really uber spicy food. Or kinda like eating super apocalyptic, nuclear hot wings. It's not going to taste good, you are probably going to vomit and it's going to make you feel sick, but if you get through it....well you're one of the few to get to experience the glory of getting through it.

I'm for one want a challenge. Only a few movies have seriously disturbed the shit out of me. And most of them have been German. But never did I think the Netherlands could come up with this (they must have awesome weed).

There are a few people who would seek out a film to see like this. In my 5 Types of Moviegoers who watch Horror Movies, The Core are #1. I'll go one extra. The Uber Core are the one's who want to experience seeing the vilest, disturbing, horrific films ever put on celluloid (or video).

These are the few, the brave men and women who've seen pseudo snuff horror, porn torture-core and vomit horror. Well let's add biotorture to the list. Are you Uber Core? Well if you want to be, a viewing of The Human Centipede is step 1 in joining this rare group of horror-ites.

If you missed the trailer, check it out below. Thanks to Twitch Film for the trailer.

Categories: 2010 horror movies, 5 types of moviegoers who watch horror movies, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, the human centipede trailer, torture porn

The Human Centipede (Stills)

It's not often I hear of a movie that just makes me drop my cookies and milk on the kitchen floor. But seeing the pics and reading the bizarro plot of Tom Six's The Human Centipede, you too will swallow your gum by accident.

Is this the start of biotorture horror?

This plot is completely ooomphy. Right?

Two pretty American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up alone at night with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in his terrifying makeshift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. An older German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three "patients" are not about to be separated, but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy "the human centipede".

Yay. Sick fuckin yay. You can thank the Netherlands and UK for this. Seems Six is echoing Miike and Cronenberg in this insanity, only a trailer and the horror community approval will tell if this is cult yay or cult nay.

Still no trailer yet but some glorious high def pics below for you to throw up on. The Human Centipede has been screening at film festivals all over and will also premiere at LA's Screamfest and Fantastic Fest in Austin.

What a lucky Japanese dude!

Stop staring at my ass!

I hope he didn't eat Taco Bell

Categories: 2009 exploitation movies, 2009 fantastic fest, 2009 grindhouse movies, 2009 horror movies, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, tom six