Monday, January 31, 2011

Half Moon (Review)

Half Moon

Half Moon (2011)

Directed by Jason Toler

I was howling in pain after I saw this movie.

I was also howling in laughter.

But laughter does not always equal a good movie and this movie is sooo bad in so many ways I wanted somebody to punch me in the face and tell me to stop watching.

Yes this movie stars Tori Black and yes she's a porn star who plays a prostitute in a werewolf movie.

But somehow you think there would be hope in this outrageous premise. I'll get to see Tori Black naked and I'll see a werewolf and I'll see more titties. But immediately after I saw this I searched for Ms. Black's other "movies". Here Ms Black is actually *gasp* "acting" and "acting" and then shows us some boobies and then does more "acting". OMG I think this is the most acting she's done if you added her entire pornography.

Suffice it to say, director Jason Toler makes a mockery of a production. You could hear coughing in the backround, really bad editing and the performances by Tori Black and the wolf guy in the flick seemed to not even be performed together (all somehow compiled seamlessly in post). Add in a ridiculous bad wolf special effects and you've gotten one shitty flick.

I think Tori Black's porn flicks are probably better than Half Moon (you know if I'd seen them and all :-P)

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rose is a down-on-her-luck prostitute who's short on cash. When she hears of a mysterious client named Jacob who pays a large sum of money for one night in a hotel, she goes against her better judgement and takes the assignment. At the hotel, Jacob proves to be a stranger client: he's willing to pay up front, and more intrested in honest conversation than anything else. Then, just as Rose begins to feel at ease, she learns that her latest trick is about to undergo a transformation by the light of the full moon - and she's about to find herself trapped in close quarters with a terrifying monster.

This taunt and clever supernatural horror film breaks genre conventions by building realistic characters and erotic tension as it cranks up the suspense. Featuring Tori Black in a breakout role as Rose, Half Moon will sink its fangs into you and not let you go till its bloody, hair-raising climax.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Hell if you're actually looking for a real review, you best just Google Tori and watch her bone some dude. We're going with a running log of my thoughts as I watched the flick instead. So we're going with a tally. As I watched I counted the number of times I saw boobs, the moon or an actual werewolf on screen. Now onto the review.
  • OMG we're 2 minutes in and I saw boobs.
Boobs: 1
Moon: 0
Wolf: 0
  • Tori Black is part of a trio of whores who works for a pimp. She's "acting" all gangsterish and shit. Remember folks, boob counts are counted on the number of unique naked boobs I see on screen. The 2 other hookers boobs count as 2 unique boobages.
Boobs: 3
Moon: 0
Wolf: 0
  • We got our first moon shot! Seems Toler likes us to think a full moon is going to amp up the tension as we countdown to Werewolf-palooza 2011! How many people think we'll see more shots of the Moon than boobs? You're going to be surprised.
Boobs: 3
Moon: 1
Wolf: 0

  • TB meets up with Jacob (how fuckin original) at a hotel where they talk about Tom and Jerry, baseball and Pete Rose!?!? TB is acting her brains out. But she isn't fucking. Why isn't she getting all grunty? But guess what? We get another moon shot!
Boobs: 3
Moon: 2
Wolf: 0
  • Wow they're still talking. I clearly should FF but I think I'll miss some plot (hahahaha I made a unfunny joke). OMG Tori Black is giving Jacob a lapdance! We're going to see some boobs! Wait....what the fuck is that? That's not the globes I'm looking for. Fuck you! Another moon shot?!??!? Are you fuckin serious?
Boobs: 3
Moon: 3
Wolf: 0
  • Wolf dude tells TB about his life and he is lonely. Score! TB falls for it and they get into the lovemaking. It's a love scene but Tori Black makes it seem like she's on the 5th hour of a gangbang orgy.
Boobs: 4
Moon: 3
Wolf: 0
  • TB finds a "kidnapper's kit" in the bathroom and goes into panic mode. She calls her big daddy pimp and they tie up wolf boy. Pimp slaps TB around like he's Charlie Sheen. Later, they get into more talking. For the love of porn, somehow you'd think getting her ass kicked would lead to more sex. But Jake here is getting angsty because he's slowly turning into a dog. You know what that means! Moon shot!
Boobs: 4
Moon: 4
Wolf: 0
  • Eariler in the movie TB was proud to be a whore and respects her pimp for "teaching her the game". But now she gives a sob story about how she hates the johns who abuse her and hates her pimp. Remember fellow jaded viewers, this long badly acted monologue is coming from a pornstar who gets double penetrated for a living. Oh yeah, no boobs, no moon. But I smell some wolf coming soon!
Boobs: 4
Moon: 4
Wolf: 0
  • Jake who tried to warn TB of his wolfy disease goes all full frontal wolfage and slaughters the pimp. The special effects in Half Moon make SyFy's effects look like Avatar. But guess what happens to TB...you guessed it! She gets bitten. She's now a She-Wolf of Los Angeles. Pretty much the hottest wolf whore on the strip.
Boobs: 4
Moon: 4
Wolf: 1
  • Wait...what's this thing at the end of the movie?!??! Yup the fuckin moon.
Boobs: 4
Moon: 5
Wolf: 1

There you have it, the final tally. We see more shots of the moon than you do boobs. The wolf was so hilarious, you could buy the costume at a 99 cents store. Half Moon is a film that a porn director would make as a side project. And it's not even that its fully crappy, it's that it's so boring. The entire film is full of useless conversation by wolf guy (who has a E. Euro accent) and Tori Black in a hotel room. That's it. I was slowly injecting myself with 5 hour energy drink to stay awake.

Half Moon will put you half asleep. But at the end of the day, what you really WANT to see is Tori Black "acting" her best with lines like "Yes! Yes! Faster! Faster!" and "Yeah put it in my face", well you know where to look. As much as Tori wants to be the next Sasha Grey or Jesse Jane, it ain't gonna happen with this performance.

Of course I don't know who those other pornstars are. You know because I don't watch that stuff. ;-)


Gore-ipedia

Sliced Arm
Wolf bite

Nude-ipedia

Tori Black does get naked...shocker right?

WTF moment


She actually contradicts herself in the same monologue

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I would actually watch all 3 parts of Twilight than see this film again. The film will be released via Breaking Glass Pictures on their Vicious Circle Films label on February 8th.

The Vitals
Rating:


Check out the trailer.






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5 comments:

  1. why? why do you subject yourself to such painful shlock! do you ever watch all around good and credible movies (i.e. not "good-bad")?

    ReplyDelete
  2. David - I try my best to watch good flicks as best I can. But when your given a few screeners and DVDs to review, you give em a try. Umm and sometimes all they have are boobs and a guy in a werewolf suit.

    I gotta admit, this is one of my more classic "this will lead to a hilarious review" reviews.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Suffice it to say, director Jason Toler makes a mockery of a production. You could hear coughing in the backround, really bad editing and the performances by Tori Black and the wolf guy in the flick seemed to not even be performed together (all somehow compiled seamlessly in post). Add in a ridiculous bad wolf special effects and you've gotten one shitty flick."

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That was hilarious. Coughing...and they didn't re-shoot the scene? No pride. They should have had the Wolf effects off scene like in Let the Right One In.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yup FB. I really think they were deciding back and forth if they should make a horror film or a horror parody PORN film.

    When I wrote: "It's a love scene but Tori Black makes it seem like she's on the 5th hour of a gangbang orgy."

    I wasn't just exaggerating.

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