Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Extraction (In Development Trailer)

The picture above has warranted some serious urban legend status. Americana hadn't really seen a camel spider and were of course freaked when this circulated on the interwebs. Stories were rampant. Mutant spiders attacking our soldiers?!? Holy fuckin arachnid! So you'd figure somebody would go ahead and create a horror movie by now based on this which is when I stumbled upon this doozy of a trailer from IDX Studios. It's a little SyFy original but it's pretty cheesy fun. Vitals are below.

IDX Studios production of a teaser of Extraction directed by Tom Martwick. Produced by Milko Davis and Russell Reed. Music & Sound by Alvaro Morello.

"EXTRACTION" is a movie project in development. The story is about a platoon of soldiers that become hosts to a new enemy. In an already unstable region, they must battle against a muted species of camel spiders and prevent a sinister military cover-up that could backfire.

I thought the trailer was silly though but I gotta admit, I'd watch this if it was a full length movie. But for now, its like a 3 minute short and it's gorey fun.

Check out the trailer below!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Rec 2 (Review)

Rec 2

Rec 2 (2009)

Directed by Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza

I've admitted countless times I hate POV horror movies. Diary of the Dead and Cloverfield were pieces of crap in my opinion. But recently, I've been seeing some cinema verite/1st person POV horror that's been solid.

Evil Things ended up #18 on my Top 20 Horror Movies of 2009. I gave the original Rec (review here) 2 spinkicks. It was scary as hell but just dizzying and generic zombie sorta stuff. There were good moments and I wrote:

"The 1st 20 or so minutes sets up the chaos to come. The 2nd 30 is so minutes is everybody trying to find out what the fuck is going on and the final 20 is a survival horror at its best."

So going into Rec 2, I knew the SWAT team was going to get involved, we were going to get some possessed zombie kills and I was gonna get nauseous again. Cue the Dramamine.

Rec 2 is a superior movie to the original. It's amped up the infected, brought in the heavy weaponry via SWAT officers and thrown in some crazy Spanish hipsters who get exactly what they deserve. What you end up with is a sequel that twists and turns you on every scene and makes you big gulp in complete darkness.

After the flick ended, I tweeted...Wow just wow. That says it all.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The highly anticipated sequel to one of the scariest films of all time, [REC] 2 picks up 15 minutes from where we left off, taking us back into the quarantined apartment building where a terrifying virus has run rampant, turning the occupants into mindlessly violent, raging beasts.

A heavily armed SWAT team and a mysterious government official are sent in to assess and attempt to neutralize the situation. What they find inside lies beyond the scope of medical science—a demonic nightmare of biblical proportions more terrifying than they could have possibly imagined. Above all it must be contained, before it escapes to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting world outside.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

As I always do, let's start off with what the formula for shot on video, POV horror films.

1.) The camera "person" films everything
2.) His friends become part of the video
3.) Something sinister starts to scare them
4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

1.) The camera "person" films everything

Continuing right after Rec, SWAT is called to our quarantined building. Their orders are to take a "medical" official to the building and see what's what. So who films everything? In Rec 2, Rosso a SWAT team officer is told to film so as to document what's going on. Soon our SWAT team are going up all the same places we saw our tenants did in the original.

Plot is explained as we find out whats up with these zombies. Seems our med guy is a priest and we've got a Vatican conspiracy, demon infection and the Medeiros girl being Agent 0. You know its the rehashed plot from part 1. Soon our crew is being attacked but they fire back with machine gun kellys and are chased throughout the building.

My gripe with these POV movies has always been the guy holding the camera never does shit. But as Rosso is told to do this and actually does things to help, it seems natural. In addition we've got SWAT cam as the cops have head cams on their helmets. This was actually a clever camera gimmick as it gave us a different POV instead of the one camera shot.

2.) His friends become part of the video

Our SWAT team shows true emotion. Their mission compromised, all they want to do is get the fuck out. It's high anxiety and it feels real. Most of the characters feel pseudo real in Rec 2. From the cops to the priest to the Spanish hipsters and fireman guy....wait what the hell did I just say?

Yup, seems Plaza and Balagueró saw Diary and Cloverfield and added in some camera happy kids as well. They end up in the apartment building leading to yet ANOTHER different POV as they are filming everything too. I sighed when they started these scenes as I didn't want to see annoying kids doing stupid things. But shit hits the fan and the 2 groups meet leading our kids to get what they deserve for being so fuckin annoying.

3.) Something sinister starts to scare them

Lots of the POV shots are nicely done. With the SWAT, we get our Silent Hill meets Call of Duty MW2 shoot em up perspective. It's clever and I did get a little jumpy at some scenes including one in an air duct and another in a hallway. You never know when a possessed demon kid is crawling upside down will come at ya.

The hipster kids and a fireman looking for his buddies from Part 1 get in the act as they too are attacked. The shots are designed for maximum WTF and they accomplish it with some long extensive panning shots.

Most of these scenes work, as they did in the original. However, this time we get some maximus goreificus leading to a Gore-ipedia that includes shotgun blast to the head, ripped necks and POV blood and guts.

4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

I didn't like originals ending and Rec 2's ending is pretty predictable. But it isn't without some WTF. Night vision comes into play and we seeing our demon girl in the flesh. Back is our intrepid reporter Angela who joins our remaining survivors to stop this demon infection from spreading.

There is "the final shot" in Rec 2 and it's quite a whopper earning it full WTF Moment credit. It's pretty intense and makes it feel all closed looped in a sense in our Rec series.

I gotta say, the Rec movies are the best this POV genre has to offer. They are solid flicks and use the POV gimmick very well. Rec 2 does jack up the scares, the claustrophobia and the tension. Out of all the the POV movies I've seen, Rec 2 is so far the best of the rest.

Coming from me, that's a high compliment.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Thank Barcelona the directors of the original made the sequel. They didn't miss a beat at made sure their vision was in the sequel. At times it reminded me of Demons, Demons 2 and Iglesia's Day of the Beast.

Rec 2 comes out July 9th in limited release. For now, it's the best sequel in this genre, well until possibly Paranormal Activity 2 comes out.

Check out the official site and the Facebook page for more info.

FYI. I still haven't seen the American remake Quarantine yet. I don't plan to.


Check out the trailer below.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Charts and Graphs make funnies

Magically deliciously tasty as you can see from the chart above. GraphJam.com, part of the Cheezburger network is hilarious. They are the community responsible for FAIL blog and Failbooking. Their user generated graphs are pretty LOL and perusing the non horror ones, you get into that Powerpoint sense of humor.

So I've compiled the best horror graphs and charts from GraphJam.com below. Enjoy!

song chart memes
see more Funny Graphs

song chart memes
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

song chart memes
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

funny graphs and charts
see more Funny Graphs

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

10 things that would lead to a jaded viewer apocalypse

If you carefully read my reviews or features or whatever, I've come up with an inside joke or a running gag about the site. If somehow I ever got a quote from one of my REVIEWS on a DVD cover, I would immediately end the site.

So far this has not happened as of yet. The probability of this happening I think is around 30%. Not too good because A.) most of my reviews have profanity and B.) I really doubt I have any good quotes a company or filmmaker could use.

I'd like to point out I've come close. My quote appears on the DVD cover of Incest Death Squad. But the loophole here is that the quote is from my review of THE TRAILER and not the review. I also had a quote of mine in the trailer for Dead Hooker in a Trunk. Alas, this is in a trailer so that doesn't count either.

I'm thinking if a filmmaker or marketing company paid attention or *gasp* likes my site, they wouldn't want it to end and would thus never put a quote of mine on a DVD cover, but c'mon now, that's just silly. They don't even know about the gag....hmm until now. Well that's sorta contradictory of me right? I want to see my name and site quoted but I don't want to end the site. That's why this works on both levels...hehehe.

So which is why I'm adding more to the list of things that would lead to the site going atomic. If any of this happens, the jaded viewer would go bye bye.

If you're worried, trust me these things are not likely but could happen (yeah a few of em are preposterous, but whatever, it's funny no?)

10.) An actual apocalypse (aka the end of the world)
9.) Marriage (however if the wife to be was pro jaded viewer...it would keep the site alive!)
8.) A horror movie wins best picture at the Academy Awards
7.) I get a kiss from Sarah Michelle Gellar
6.) Both my arms get severed
5.) I win the lottery
4.) I reach 5,000 followers on Twitter
3.) I get to be a zombie in a Romero film
2.) I do a shot with Jean Claude Van Damme
1.) My quote appears on a DVD cover of a horror movie

Well now all of you are in on the joke. It's fun to share the gag. Now, only time will tell if any of these things ever happen. Until they do, the jaded viewer keeps on truckin.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Descent 2 (Review)

The Descent 2

The Descent 2 (2009)

Directed by Jon Harris

When you make a sequel to a movie I declared as the best horror movie of 2006, I can only sigh repeatedly as I know it won't live up to expectations. So as I watched Descent 2, I knew I'd be scratching my head, WTF-ing and getting irritated by all the shot by shot suspenseful scenes being mimicked by the sequel.

And yup I did all those things.

What I didn't realize is how they'd strip the aura of the original frame by frame. And this is where I take this review. The Descent 2 is not terrible nor is it breaking into the sequel Hall of Fame. It's an average flick that almost could be called a remake of the original. The new crew took Neil Marshall's original, bloodied it up with some severe neck and head trauma and put in a few slick kills.

But how it contradicts the original and has absurd plot points can't be ignored. So what you end up with is half a Descent. And you have me breaking this down with serious WTF-ness. The following review HAS LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS. If you haven't seen the original or Part 2, it be best you stop reading....well NOW.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Distraught, confused, and half-wild with fear, Sarah Carter emerges alone from the Appalachian cave system where she encountered unspeakable terrors. Unable to plausibly explain to the authorities what happened - or why she's covered in her friends' blood - Sarah is forced back to the subterranean depths to help locate her five missing companions.

As the rescue party drives deeper into uncharted caverns, nightmarish visions of the recent past begin to haunt Sarah and she starts to realize the full horror and futility of the mission. Subjected to the suspicion and mistrust of the group and confronted once more by the inbred, feral and savagely ruthless Crawlers, Sarah must draw on all her inner reserves of strength and courage in a desperate final struggle for deliverance and redemption

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Hey jaded viewers. Well I'm glad I can write a spoiler filled review. Now I don't have to leave out anything that would have ruined the film. OK so I'm gonna break this down with "coolness of the original" DESTROYED by the sequel. I'm also going to add what I liked in Part 2. That's fair right?

1.) The original casts are all women spelunkers

The original says:
Do you know how cool this concept is? It broke down the tradition of male domination. in a horror film. To see women all cast was refreshing and they were not too bad to look at either.

The sequel says: Well lets put in some guys to kill. But in the end the women will rule the caves. Part 2 has alpha male testosterone going all wonky and the women have to show what's what. The cast is diverse this time, Brits, an African American woman and your run of the mill Americans. Ugh. Damn men seem to fuck up everything don't they with their bravado and their guns and their ill timed sexual advances. Thank goodness the women all prevail in the end.

2.) Claustrophobia and complete darkness makes everything suspenseful

The original says: Spelunking is taken to the extreme as tight spaces, cave ins and complete darkness get you scared shitless. Add in night vision via a camera and you don't know what to expect.

The sequel says: Yup those things all worked so we're going to do it all over again. More tight spaces, more cave ins and more night vision. They even revisit the same places as the original. Quick glimpses of the crawlers, more crawling holes and making daring escapes and more caverns with water that have to be navigated. I did like the gratuitous jumping on the hanging dead body from Part 1. That was kinda cool.

The thing is we've seen it all before. Sure a sequel is suppose to rehash the original but like seeing a movie with a twist ending, watching the same movie again doesn't have the same effect. The originals magic of cave exploring is a one time thing. It loses its eeriness and suspense the 2nd time around. This results in a semi-FAIL from the sequel.

3.) The Crawlers aren't intimidating anymore

The original says: Seeing the crawlers for the first time was a smash into your noggin. Creatures who lived in caves, lacked eyesight and only could sense you via sound. Plus they were wicked blood thirsty carnivores.

The sequel says: Gone are the chase scenes where our creepy crawlies stalk our lovelies. Now we got pure set ups where our crew gets taken out one by one. They're still hungry but was it me or did the Crawlers get lots of screen time in this one? Golden rule says less screen time for our evil the better the movie. Seeing them repeatedly and in a pack ups the YIKES! factor but it loses their mythic out of nowhere quality. Plus just a few hacks into the head by some rock climbing equipment or a rock smashing easily kills em.

Hell I think I could take on a pack of em by myself.

4.) What's the deal with Sarah?

The original says: The original had 3 endings. So in the US ending, Sarah was the lone survivor. The UK ending has Sarah dying. So this sequel obviously goes by the US ending. But lets get to Sarah and why we all liked her. Sarah's daughter is referenced as is her tension with Juno because Juno had an affair with her husband. Both are key points to her character and why what she does in the movie is so justified. She cares for her friends and her pick axing Juno makes it more "Yeah bitch Don't mess with me!" fitting.

The sequel says: First, the premise that they force Sarah who is utterly traumatized by the whole experience to go back into the caves to find her friends is utterly preposterous. Also, to take a crew deep into a cave system that's unexplored is just plain stupid. I knew creepy old timer 49-er guy was shady to begin with. Seriously, the logic here is severely bastardized. I can't tell you how completely speechless I was as I watched this.

As for Sarah, all her issues are completely ignored. There's a vague reference to her daughter, she explains how Juno "died" and the key chain makes a reappearance. She's now a pro with the caves and crawlers. She barely speaks but shows the same "save a life" attitude as she guides our potential lone survivor to safety.

I'll admit, the fact that the puddled water we see in the original that was filled with blood is now replaced with crawler feces gave me a LOL.

And then the WTF Moment happens....

5.) Holy hamburger phone! Juno is alive!!!

The original says: Last we saw Juno she got pick ax-ed by Sarah and was left for dead as the crawlers approached. She got what she deserved for abandoning her friends and cheating with Sarah's husband.

The sequel says: We all knew she would return in the sequel as she was one of the best characters in the original. I knew she survived once Natalie Mendoza was cast. But this seriously fucks up the original in a mega way. The girl we wanted to die is alive and she's now freakin an expert crawler assassin.

She has a brief catfight with Sarah which is to be expected. But that isn't really developed. They should have introduced Juno earlier to create Sarah vs Juno uneasiness. Bad sequel. In the end, Juno has a change of heart as she saves Sarah as she's about to be pulled down the abyss handcuffed to stupid sheriff guy.

They actually redeem Juno! Well how about that. Her death is actually something you could see coming a mile away (hmm maybe she's still alive) and we're now suppose to feel empathy for her. This is quite comparable to Darth Vader. Vader is mega evil #1 and in the last 3 minutes of Jedi, we're suppose to care he did the right thing? Fuck that.

6.) Arterial Spraying is magically delicious

The original says: A few choice scenes of gore and splatter. Nothing I'm writing Bloody Disgusting about.

The sequel says: Amped up Gore-ipedia in this one. Ripped necks with gushing blood, Feces cesspool bath, picks to the heads, rats in dead bodies, a sliced off hand via rock pick and others. Wow, way to amp up the splatter guys.

7.) That ending sucked

The original says: Depending on the ending you watched, you either got a happy generic one, a sad one or a WTF one.

The sequel says: Sarah and Juno: friends til the end I guess. That was illogical don't you think? Also, creepy old coal miner guy fucking up the black woman for the crawlers. That made no fuckin sense.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's a mix bag for me for The Descent 2. I'm giving it 2 spinkicks. It's not horribly bad and it's not awesomely good. It's the same ole crawler poop mixed in with awesome kills, nothing more and nothing less. I loved seeing my girl Juno again but this was a pseudo remake if there ever was one.


Check out the trailer below.

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Horseman (Review)

The Horseman

The Horseman (2009)

Directed by Steven Kastrissios

It's been a while since I've seen a straight balls hurtin revenge movie. I still believe Chan-wook Park's Oldboy is the standard though Kill Bill puts out the ultraviolence pretty solidly as well. But that's the past.

Welcome to Australia's version of revenge.

And as the old adage goes, if you see one uber violent revenge movie this year....well let it be The Horseman.

Steven Kastrissio's The Horseman is a climax of alpha male Fight Club fists of fury meets a dish best served cold. The journey we take with Christian, our grief stricken father whose daughter was snuffed by a porn/snuff ring is suspenseful and filled with clashing of pure poetic violence.

Check your guns and katanas at the door. No need for that wimpy shit here. Christian uses a variety of elaborate torture weapons from knives, hammers and pliers to exact his blood fury. So what do we end up with?

A soon to be classic revenge movie that is no holds barred one of the best the genre has to offer.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

An action-packed, multi-award winning Australian thriller,
The Horseman features a range ofpowerhouse performances in an unflinching study of grief & retribution. Explore the dark fantasies we all dream up as Christian (Peter Marshall) grieves over the suspicious death of his teenage daughter.

As he travels through rural Australia to investigate, he picks up Alice (Caroline Marohasy), an awkward young runaway and an unlikely bond develops. But as the crime is pieced together, an ugly truth is revealed and Christian spirals down a dangerous path.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The Horseman plays out the revenge story pretty straightforward. Christian finds out his daughter is dead, gets a mysterious DVD of his little girl in a gritty porn film and then he goes all Nic Cage (ala 8MM). Soon he's hunting the porn distributor and all the actors involved in violating his daughter.

Nothing new here on the story. Even George C. Scott kicked some ass in Hardcore. But the difference here is Peter Marshall's performance as Christian. As with guilt and grief, his pain is played out through out the movie. It's pure raw emotion intertwined with flashbacks of his little girl when she was 5 years old.

The one gripe I had was we could have been given more back story of the relationship between himself and his runaway daughter. Why did she turn to drugs and become all streety? Character development would have brought us closer to Christian, though I was 70% pulling for his character to get his vengeance on. It would have been nice to get this to the high 90s.

As he goes through the list of targets, they all die horrific deaths. Here be your Gore-ipedia. We got knife neck trauma, sliced throats, penis trauma, sledgehammer pulverizing, blowtorch medievalness and nipple malice.

The one thing that separated The Horseman was the seemingly realistic fight scenes. Pure clumsy punches and kicks that are not Matrix staged. Mano y mano shit here. Dudes getting thrown into walls, using any weapon on hand to get an edge and pure punches to the face. Though its hard to believe our 44 year old father can kick the ass of villains half his age, he gets his ass kicked as much as they do.

Soon he picks up a hitchhiker Alice (Caroline Marohasy) who seems to be a runaway herself. They develop a father-daughter bond which gives him the opportunity to redeem what he's lost and potentially save what he couldn't save before.

This all ends in a climax of jaw dropping violence as Christian takes out the last remnants of the snuff ring. This of course is not without the tables being turned and the torturer being tortured. It's a tried and true formula in revenge films and The Horseman is uncensored in its portrayal. I'm not sure why I think it works but it does. I felt for the father, I got a happy when he put the smackdown on these scummy motherfuckers and I liked the redemption aspect.

Having seen this movie on quite a few Top 10 lists, I now know why. So I will give The Horseman a belated Honorable Mention for 2009. This is a revenge thriller that has wall to wall WTF moments . Guns don't kill people, a handy toolbox does.


Slightly Nada

WTF Moment

Remember that famous Marsellus Wallace quote: "What now? Let me tell you what now. I'm a call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm a get medieval on your ass"

Well you get to see a scene with pliers and a blowtorch. Nuff said.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Horseman is available on DVD and BluRay (via Amazon.com and others). It's a pound your face awesome revenge movie. But don't take my word for it. Or do because you trust me. Hell if I know.

Check out the official site and Facebook page for more info-rama.


Check out the trailer below.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Shortround: IFC Grindhouse Short Film Showcase

I caught this little compilation on IFC. It's IFC's Grindhouse Short Film Showcase and there are quite a couple of solid ones in here. A funny zombie film, a mini short by Lars Von Trier, a Polish short about a group of kids and a short starring David Arquette who has a nosebleed that doesn't stop.

The 2 you can view online now are "I Love you Sarah Jane" and "Occupations". Also, I've included the trailer for "Nosebleed". I highly suggest you watch it for Sarah Jane and Nosebleed. Really good shorts that surprised me. Enjoy!

"I Love Sarah Jane"
Directed by Spencer Susser

Directed by Lars von Trier

"Nosebleed" (Trailer)
Directed by Jeff Vespa

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hot girls in tight tank tops stranded in the desert should be in 3D (Thirst Trailer)

Thirst, not to be confused with Chan-wook Park's vampire film Thirst, is so your standard Hollywood straight to DVD flick, it's so easy to make fun of. The greenlight process of a flick like this has gotta involve a conversation between studio execs that sorta goes like this:

Studio Exec A: "So we got a budget of a few million for a horror film, what should we make?"
Studio Exec B: "How about a horror movie where some young, good looking B-list actors get stranded somewhere in the middle of America without any cell phone coverage?"
Studio Exec A: "Yes, that's perfect. How about we strand them in the desert? We won't have to make any sets for that and save some money."
Studio Exec B: "You read my mind. But this sounds familiar. Didn't they already make this?"
Studio Exec A: "Yeah it was called The Canyon, but that starred that hot chick from Chuck. INSTEAD, we'll have 2 hot chicks and a couple of generic white guys."
Studio Exec B: "That's totally original. The horror fans will we blown away by this concept"
Studio Exec A: "We gotta have the hot chicks in bikinis. Because according to our research, Males 18-34 love hot chicks in bikinis."
Studio Exec B: "Agreed"
Studio Exec A: "So I'm thinking their van will be spooked by a wild animal, crash and they will lack a spare tire and any food or water. You know man vs nature stuff...like that movie where they got stranded in the ocean"
Studio Exec B: "Open Water"
Studio Exec A: "Exactly. We'll have them battle rattlesnakes, coyotes and all sorts of desert enemies."
Studio Exec B: "But in the end, the thing that will kill them is themselves"
Studio Exec A: "Nah I think it should be coyotes that kill them"
Studio Exec B: "OK, we'll see about that. Who can we get to star in this?"
Studio Exec A: "How about that girl from Mean Girls?"
Studio Exec B: "Umm she's kinda a drug addict sir"
Studio Exec A: "No the other one"
Studio Exec B: "She's way out of our budget after she was in that Megan Fox movie"
Studio Exec A: "No the other girl"
Studio Exec B: "Umm sir, Ms. McAdams would be quite expensive for this movie"
Studio Exec A: "OK lets go with that last hot girl...Lacey something"
Studio Exec B: "Lacey Charbert. Yes she is quite attractive and she's made a generic holiday horror movie already. Also, I'm sure we can get the blonde vampire from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, she was in Hatchet you know"
Studio Exec A: "Yes, she would be perfect. For the guys, hire anybody. Nobody cares about the guys in these movies"
Studio Exec B: "Very good sir"
Studio Exec A: "Can we make this in 3D?"
Studio Exec B: "What would be in 3D, the cleavage sir? It would just be to much money to do in 3D."
Studio Exec A: "Dammit, our research says males 18-34 love 3D. OK, if it can't be in 3D were going to have to add more rattlesnakes and coyotes."
Studio Exec B: "I will get on that right away sir"
Studio Exec A: "Horror fans will love this film! It's totally original and has hot chicks in bikinis. We're going to make tons of money!"

You know I'm 100% on the money that's the conversation that went on. So here be the plot for Thirst, which gets released on DVD June 22nd.

Thirst tells the story of two couples who suddenly find themselves lost and alone deep within the California desert. As each sweltering day leads to the next, social norms unravel. Soon their thirst for water begins to dominate and define their love, as primal survival forces peel away all remnants of civilized social veneer.

Well sometimes you gotta forgo civilized social veneer when your dying. Here's hoping it gets too hot and they do away with the tank tops.

Without further ado, here is the trailer.

Hot chicks in bikinis!!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Incest Death Squad 2 (Premiere Date and its Free Online!)

Cory Udler dropped me another line for Incest Death Squad 2. It seems all of us are going to see this for free on September 17th.

Incest Death Squad 2 will premiere September 17th, 2010 live and free online at HorrorSociety.com. There will be one showing of the film for free at the website then the film will be available for sale at the film’s official website.

Well that's some good news. I know its a few months away but Udler has told me this flick has more carnage, boobs and body count. What more can you possibly ask for?

From the press release, seems like this movie had trouble booking a theater for its premiere. Seems Wisconsin theaters don't want to screen a movie on a Friday or Saturday. Fuckity fuckers.

Last year, the premiere of “Incest Death Squad” at Market Square Theatres in Madison, as part of the Madison Horror Film Festival, played to a sold out crowd of rabid horror fans. This year, Udler found the resistance from local theatres to a Friday or Saturday night premiere to be completely off-putting.

"It’s amazing that a local film, with a local director, local talent and local businesses featured would be met with such a response in a city that prides itself on its “buy local” mentality. But basically, I wanted to premiere the film on a Friday or Saturday night in Madison at a local Madison theatre. It was either ridiculously expensive, and or I was told time and time again that the theatre doesn’t rent out on Friday or Saturday nights.” Udler said.

Well the online horror community will reap the benefits of this movie being available not only in Wisconsin.

Check out the trailer here and my review of IDS1.

Also head over to the Facebook site and the official site.

Monday, June 14, 2010

If You Had One Horror Genre Related Wish, What Would It Be?

Big Daddy Horror Reviews did an ongoing series on the question above. And I decided to take part.

What was my answer?

In a nutshell, I wanted to know where the Asian, Black and Hispanic final girls were in American Hollywood movies.

Read my full response here.

Well here is the addendum. You'd think by now we'd have a black or a hispanic girl lead our oversexed teenage victim fodder to the middle of Nowhere, USA. But no. We still got the white, sly and wholesome final girl stapled into Hollywood horror. I mean I think its time we break this glass ceiling of minorities not being the survivors of a slasher onslaught.

Brandon from Big Daddy Horror Reviews left perfect examples of this actually happening in horror movies when I posted a Random List of things you DON'T see in horror movies. Camp Slaughter had a *gasp* fat, black final girl. Also he mentioned a horror movie called Fraternity Massacre on Hell Island with a gay final guy! Can you believe it?

It takes an indie mentality to take such risks and when they do, it makes the film more interesting (though you still have to make a good horror film either way). I've yet to see any of the 2 movies above but holy fuckin cow, I'm going to put these on my radar.

In the latest installment of Friday the 13th remake, we had a token black and Asian guy playing oversexed nerdos. I love the slasher formula as much as the next guy and these guys were gonna die by the hands of J-man, but I'm beginning to think its getting kinda boring.

In the Nightmare remake, we didn't even get any minorities in the flick. Sure, that's how it was in the original but geez, its not 1984 anymore, its 2010. I think there is at least one black girl in the town.

We've broken a few barriers with slashers being racially diversified but our heroes and heroines should be too. I think the audience would be colorblind when it comes to cheering for a Chinese final girl, if and only if she was not a stereotypical character.

On the other side of the coin, its not enough to put a person of color in a lead role. The final girl or guy has to have some character, something the audience likes (be it big boobs, female empowerment, smart or clever). And that doesn't matter if your black or white or whatever.

When will this actually happen? Probably not anytime soon. The suburban audience wants to see themselves in a horror movie and Hollywood knows this. So were going to get the same old shit until some indie movie succeeds by changing the perception of the final girl and then Hollywood will take notice and copy this "new" idea.

If wishes were horses.

Check out the other responses to this question via Big Daddy Horror Reviews.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Temptation (Review)


Temptation (2009)

Directed by Catherine Taylor

The UK too can churn out its own versions of DHARMA Initiative "GENERIC LESBIAN VAMPIRE FILM". The perfect example is Temptation, which plays out like a bad modern day Anne Rice novel.

All the cliches are here and they follow a Macarena beat down to the super cliched very obvious ending.

If I wanted my fix of a lesbian vampire film, I'd watch anything from Jess Franco. But you've gotta cash in on the vampire craze which is still alive and kickin. True Blood, Let the Right One In, Daybreakers and *gasp* Twilight to keep you tuned into the 24/7 convenience store that is vampire. They should have read my Vampire Rules 101.

At least those all have clever premises. Temptation has hot British chicks with red contact lenses and plastic dollar bin fangs.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Catherine Taylor's seductive and tantalizing vampire tale unleashes an onslaught of bloody killings, sexual excess and vampiric desire set against a lush, colorful London night life of swinging singles and nocturnal predators. Beautiful, young professional Isabel (Caroline Haines) is out on the town with friends. One too many is the least of her problems when she is saved from the clutches of a serial rapist by a centuries-old, ruthless but gorgeous vampire, Aurelie (Rachel Waters) - but at what cost.

Now under Aurelie's spell and with an intensifying taste for blood, Isabel has only 48 hours to decide whether to give in to her lustful and crimson cravings or end it all before it's too late.
Temptation brings a fresh and new look to the vampire genre with atmosphere, sensuality and filmmaking bravado.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

No extensive review here. Let's just list vampire cliches ok?
  • Our protagonist? Semi hot British blonde
  • Let's begin the movie at the end...then have a finale where we began the movie!
  • Cabbie on passenger rape violence
  • A French vampire with fiery red hair
  • Rapid fire music video edits and cuts
  • Flashbacks to things we just saw 2 minutes ago!
  • Vampire suckage
  • Dreams of the vamp who made you in 80s music video fade montages
  • Hmmm I can't seem to eat regular food and the sunlight hurts me...it must be that time of the month
  • Gratuitous black and white cop investigation
  • The douchebag boyfriend that becomes the first meal
  • Nightclubs with burlesque and over elaborate dance numbers
  • Hot, sexy vampire vixens making meals of the clientele
  • Flashback to 1700s vampire origins
  • More flashbacks to things we saw 1 minute ago!
  • More lesbian vampire nekkidness and kissing
  • Why is it nobody believes in vampires in vampire movies?
  • The old debate: should I be a vampire or get a spontaneous combustion tan?
  • Let's kill the vamp that sired me because I'm a "good vampire with a heart"
  • Look who's a vampire too supposed twist ending!
Temptation is generic as they come in this super duper sub sub sub genre of vampire films. I really can't get into the same old story.

I love the sub genre of vampire films but if you don't do anything different, you FAIL. This story has been done to death and either you twist the Bram Stoker's vamps into something creative or you make a zombie film.

On second thought, please don't.


Sliced throats
Blood oozage
Knife trauma
Neck trauma


Various quick cuts of boobies but none from our vampyro lesbos

WTF moment

Those flashbacks of things we saw 6 seconds ago

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you want to get your vampyro lesbos on, Temptation is your quick fix. It's now on DVD via Vicious Circle Films from Breaking Glass Pictures. What can I say? This is a movie that I didn't want to sink my teeth into. (classic cliche pun...thank you thank you)


Check out the trailer below.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Don't burn Rubber or your head will explode!

I posted a link to the teaser trailer for this on the jaded viewer Facebook page but I now think this little film from Quentin Dupieux's new movie Rubber deserves its own post. Back when I began watching the quirky films we all take for granted now, this concept of a psychic vengeful tire would have been on top of my list to see.

I use to watch all the Alejandro Jodorowsky, David Lynch and others because they were bizarre, non linear and completely surrealistic. There were alot of films like this back in the day (or maybe they were all new to me). So when we get half a dozen bizarre films a year, you have to take notice and see these little odd possibly soon to be cult classics.

But a one joke movie like a self aware psychic tire is like a one joke movie about a human centipede. How the hell do you drag it out to go over an hour? A few reviews are mixed in their reaction but that's not going to let the hype machine here be a downer.

A tire that's lonely, falls in love and wreaks fury. This I gotta see.

Check out the teaser and the short clip below. Is this the next cult classic or some shiny flattened quarter that will soon be forgotten?

Short clip courtesy of Twitch Film.

Finally a link to the official site.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

There is a 90% chance you will take a photo of a ghost

[FYI: A weird thing as I wrote this. I had almost completed the entire post when all of a sudden half the post got deleted. I then had to write this for a 2nd time. Jeez. Was it a ghosts? After effects of eating BP spilled oil seafood? I don't know but it was damn weird]

Well I'm back. My friend Vic said "he had some shit he had to take care". Something in regards to tourists invading his swamp and he had to clean his hatchet again. Well maybe next time Vic. But New Orleans is quite a city. From the French Quarter to the awesome food (and the open container drinking), you will have tons of fun in the Big Easy.

So while I was there I decided to take a real authentic New Orleans Ghost Tour. The tagline stated what I have in the subject line: "There is a 90% chance you will take a photo of a ghost".


That got me quite excited. If you followed me on Twitter, you would have seen:

The ghost tour I signed up for has a 90 percent "you will photograph a ghost" success rate. I'm now kinda scared

So here's some of my photographic evidence from the tour. You can judge for yourself if I took any ghostly pictures.

The tour started off at Rev. Voodoo's Shop. This place had a collection of occult merch. I used this time to grab my 2nd beer as I staggered with my fellow tourists to start the tour.

The first stop was of a house where a 1800s mistress froze to death on a snowy New Orleans night after being dared by her husband to stand on the balcony, naked. If she were to do this, they would get married (there's more to this story, but I was kinda binging at this point so I don't remember). See a ghost? I don't. Where are you white snowy ghost lady?

Is this a ghost? Nope. It's a guy playing a violin while walking on a tightrope. I think he was sober.

Well this is the Andrew Jackson hotel. Supposedly some drunk kids (wait those are Philly fans) decided to go all pyro and burnt a few blocks of New Orleans killing a bunch of innocents. Now the hotel is haunted by these kids. Our tour guide, Jennifer Raven explained that people who stay at this hotel (why?!?!) have had photos of themselves taken (while naked of course) while they are sleeping from a vantage point of being directly above their bed.

Yes folks, we got pervert pyro kid ghosts.

This is Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop Bar. It's been featured on some of those Ghost Hunter shows. Lafitte himself is haunting this place and people have heard French being spoken in the men's bathroom, the fireplace and the upper rooms.

I took many photos and went into the men's bathroom. I was about to take a picture of what I thought was a ghost but it was just a guy taking a shit. A very drunk guy.

Here's a pic of the bar. See any ghosts? The door towards the end is the mens bathroom where I saw smelly drunk guy on the toilet. I decided to get another beer and talk up the hot waitresses.

See hot waitresses! But no ghosts :-(

We concluded our tour at the house above. We were told of a socialite who wickedly abused her slaves. See, during one of her glamorous dinners a slave started a fire forcing the dinner guests to be evacuated. The police and fire company soon discovered a room of horrors. The room was full of slaves who had been horrifically tortured. They decapitated, arms sliced, faces skinned, holes drilled in their heads, maggots eating their flesh and one slave women was put into a wooden crate for days.

Now the slaves haunt this place with a vengeance.

The kicker here is Nic Cage bought this house WITHOUT knowing the story. Upon hearing why every tour stopped to take pictures, he demanded to know the history of the house. Good job Wicker Man. [INSERT NIC CAGE STUNNED PHOTO HERE]

Well that's about it. I also went to a magic shop which is of the photo I took in the beginning of the post. I really did feel like Giles and Willow when I was in there.

It looks like I was in that 10% as my photos don't seem to have any weird orbs or ghosts in any of them. Do you see any? Hmmm, well it was fun in any case. So do you guys believe in ghosts? When you see a photo with some supposed supernatural evidence, what do you think?

Do you think ghosts deleted my original post?

Iii aMMMMmmmm a GhOOOOOOOsssssssssssTtttttt

What the hell is that???? I didn't write that.