Monday, January 28, 2013

Blackout Haunted House Off Season Winter Haunt Begins This Week


If you blinked, you may have missed it. That's because Blackout Haunted House pulled a twisty twizzler and has decided to have their off season Spring haunt in the dead of a damn cold NYC winter. Here's what they sent over in an e-mail on Thursday.

we figured you couldn't wait for spring,
so the 2013 nyc off-season events will begin very soon.
unlike years past, this year's off-season will be open to anyone and everyone,
although a very limited number of tickets will be released.
this year's off-season will begin somewhere in the East Village.
the experience will take approximately 45 minutes per person and you must come alone.
you will receive the address the night before you begin.
we recommend you act fast and get your tickets as quickly as possible.
we'll send more information soon with a link to purchase tickets.
get ready because once it begins it will happen very fast.

do you want in this year? are you ready?

On Friday, at 4pm as I refreshed my e-mail, the Blackout Facebook page like a mad man with ADD, they sent over the link for tickets. There are only a few spots open so if you're in NYC, you can attend the off season haunt. Mind you, it's a bit pricey. At $135 but you do get the following:
  • One admission to the January NYC event 
  •  A Blackout t-shirt
  •  A special pre-sale ticket offer for the Halloween
Per the Blackout Facebook page, it starts somewhere in the East Village in NYC. The exact address is given at midnight the day before you go. About 90 slots were up for grabs, now only a few remain. Well you've read all my reviews and walkthroughs. Dare to go to a 45 minute extreme theater interactive performance you won't forget?

Hell I've survived 2 Spring haunts and 3 Halloween ones and I still get fuckin nervous before I go. Expect a review and possible walkthrough after the run.

Let the games begin!

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs
Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs
You can go also leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2012


Well here it is...as always in the middle of January my Top Horror Movies of 2012! Sorry for taking so long to get this posted but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year (yet again) I usually look at other bloggers and horror site's lists and watch the movies that I missed.

This year, there is no #11-20 list. I just didn't see that many movies this year. It was one of those years I just lacked on the horror movie watching as well as the blogging. My apologies for the low number of posts this year. I know many people use what I post here to see movies I recommend and what they missed. I promise I'll try to be better this year.

My list has few movies that have appeared on others but I do put a spin on the order. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this  year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!
  • Though some of these movies came out in 2011, I label any movie that got  wide releases or DVD releases in 2012 as coming out in 2012.

  • It's a mix of indie horror and theatrical releases but mostly indies.

  • I missed seeing some theatrical and indie horror movies but you have to rank what you saw so that's what I'm doing.

  • The top 10 films broken down by country: USA = 5, UK=2, Canada=1, Australia=1, Spain=1, 

  • The 10 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=3, 3 and 1/2 spinkicks= 3, 3 spinkicks=4
  • There are a record 4 spinkick movies on this list!

  • A movie that had 4 spinkicks doesn't necessarily mean it was better.

  • To read the entire review of the film click on the title.

So what did 2012 offer us in the world of horror?

  • This list is dominated by independent horror films (again)

  • In a twist, there are no movies from the Pacific
  • Sequels and remakes dominated Hollywood yet again...and I'm fuckin bored of it.

  • Everybody has Cabin in the Woods on their lists.

  • The number one movie on my list is from the USA for the second straight year!!! (can you believe it???)

I take it some of picks will lead to WTF faces and "you're fuckin crazy". Isn't that the fun of these year end Top 10s? Let's get to the list! Here are some honorable mentions.

The Walking Dead (Season 3): Loved the first half of S3.
The Dead: Great African zombie film.
I missed a lot of great mainstream and indie horror films this year. I hope to get caught up soon.

OK now on to the list!


10.) V/H/S (3 spinkicks)

VHS somehow pulls off what amounts to a mega punch in the stomach. 5 segments, each directed by a film veteran are wrapped around a plot of a group of kids looking for a mysterious VHS tape in a seemingly creepy house. Though not all the shorts are great, each one is solid and creative enough to put you on the edge of your seat. The shaky cam will get you reaching for the Dramamine and the acting is highly questionable. Think Troma stiffboardines.
But aside from it's drawbacks (another being which short would anchor the ending) it delivers on a promise of being a "back to the roots" kind of underground horror. Splashes of monsters, home invasion, Paranormal Activity phenomenon are just a few of the things you'll see. But the overall theme seemed to be douchebags getting their comeuppance. We all like seeing drunk, horny, misogynistic miscreant fuck ups getting slaughtered by the obvious vixen in the bottle and VHS delivers just that.

VHS is a feel good throwback to an 80s style grindhouse. Gore and nudity, the staples of any horror breakfast are plentiful and wrapped around in stories that will make every horror fan smirk and applause with delight.




9.) [Rec] 3 Genesis (3 spinkicks)

Rec 3 is clearly the lull before the storm. I'm hoping  Jaume Balaguero will go all out crazy with Rec Apocalypse to end this series on a good note. Most horror fans, bloggers and critics are caught in the middle with Rec 3 as it pulls into a totally different direction than the first 2. But you have to admit, from the traditional filmmaking and the POV mixed in and a wedding day that you won't soon forget it really does pack some line dancing hilarity and oozes kegs of blood.

I think the fun in Rec 3 is mixing those two together and somehow the series feels Rec-ish but has something new to offer. At 120 minutes, it's not like we had scenes of drawn out nothingness. Everything in Rec 3 is paced with some scares and funions, the acting is delightful and the gore and splatter are plentiful.

What's not to like? Thank goodness they didn't start dancing Gangnam Style. I would have just shut the movie off right then and there.






8.) Maniac (Remake 2012) (3 spinkicks)

 Maniac is a far departure of the normal horror movies in the indie circuit. It's a brutal and relentless 90 minute first person point of view of a slasher doing slasher things. With it's POV gimmick, it clearly forces you to LOOK directly at the horrific kills without a cutaway. It's this forced perspective that during the course of the movie makes you in every way live the life of Frank, our intrepid killer. The horror he creates is far from playing a Call of Duty game. It's realistically sickening and oddly sympathetic as Elijah Wood's performance transcends the Joe Spinnell one in an American Psycho sorta way.

Once you get over the fact it's a remake that follows the originals story, the POV hitch, and that it takes place in Los Angeles (say what?) it is a unique piece of horror cinema. I was shocked by how it made me care about this misogynistic motherfucker, his past and his longing for companionship. From it's shocking opening  to it's WTF ending, you can't ignore Maniac's rawness of bring a serial killer movie into a whole new level.





7.) Kill List (3 spinkicks)

On the surface, Kill List looks to be your standard five and dime crime thriller. Underworld goons doing their trade eliminating threats for $$. But as I thought about the film after watching it, you start seeing the layers underneath Kill List that enable you to see a movie that has more than meets the eye.

Kill List is a film that slowly burns you into a look into the life of a retired hit man and scopes out a world where his past, his present and his future all collide into an orgy of madness. It's an interesting journey seeing a drama, gore soaked slaughter and a Wicker Man-ish horror flick all blended into one. Sure there is a twist at the end and numerous unanswered questions which make you go WTF but it stills hit you harder than a hail of bullets.

What you'll get from Kill List is a character study of a soldier turned assassin who elects to try to live as a normal but it seems PTSD and pure conditioning to kill are not as easy to shut down when you get home. There is pure hell to pay for the sins of your past and it seems mysterious forces want have molded our hit man's world into their own.

Kill List is a solid flick that may seem like Pulp Fiction without the glitz and glamour. And for that it gets high marks for showing me a touch of all the genres I love from the UK.





6.) Excision (3 spinkicks)

In Excision, Richard Bates debut film based on his short, a coming of age story on a volcano of WTF. Delusional and dreamlike, Excision is suburban America macabre, weirdness with a smile and a bloody mouth. It feels American Mary-ish but less grown up. Which isn't really a bad thing. I would say it would be this years The Woman, where we see the suburban darkness in a Tim Burton like universe.


Excision is that little film that questions our American values and whether or not we can find happiness in who we are and whether or not we can do it while were a little bit crazy.

Underneath the prototypical family is a world we don't necessarily see. Everybody is a bit crazy, has dreams that would make the most alpha male cringe but we hide those feelings and those thoughts deep into the trenches of our brain.

Some people let it all out and show the world who they really are. So who's really normal huh?






5.)  I Am A Ghost (4 spinkicks)

 Mendoza's I Am a Ghost is a slow burn ghost story that channels all the suspense of Kubrick film and releases it's madness Ti West style. You have to admire a film that throwsback to a cinematic style of vintaginess and still delivers. Add the fact the entire movie is centrally focused on one character, Emily (Anna Ishida) and in one setting, an old Victorian house and it's a bit risky endeavor. But that's why indie horror is a frontier. You'll never know if it will work if you don't try right?

I Am a Ghost plays with the viewer, forcing a WTF in every brief but cryptic scene until it slowly lets you in on the secrets that plague our dear Emily. Like a non linear jigsaw puzzle, all the pieces begin to make sense as the picture progresses (the eggs!!!) and once you see the entirety of the film, it's quite a sight to behold. It's full of chilling moments, superb acting and a twizzer twist on the ghost genre.

Mendoza's story could easily draw comparisons to The Sixth Sense, The Others and The Innkeepers but that would be a disservice. What this film does is create a sense of dread, hopelessness and mystery and reveals a young woman's disturbing secret has not been eliminated in death. It's a journey through a photographic album of a life that was full of hardship and pain, where our instinctive nature to see a happy ending won't be answered. The very nature of the ghost story is that it is suppose to scare you. But here we are in a comforting role though the scares do come in a frenetic ending.






4.)  John Dies at the End (3 spinkicks)

John Dies at the End is all that is great with indie horror cinema. It's full of wacky and memorable characters and every scene oozes more WTF from the last. It is Bill and Ted but for horror fans. The premise is so kooky, it's like you're seeing a mental patients wet dream. What JDATE does is really smack you with 80s horror ingenuity, spew out comedic literature a mile a minute while making sure you have no idea what's going to happen next.

It's really a fun horror comedy that is this year's Tucker and Dale. Dave and John (our main protagonists) are a dynamic duo who tackle apocalyptic evil in a most hilarious way possible. I had a feeling John Dies would be on my Top 10 list of 2012.

Once I finished seeing it, I knew exactly where to put it. 

It's one of the best movies of 2012 as it hits all the right notes on how effective indie horror can be when you can take the source material and be faithful to the essence of why it's a cult classic. Yes John Dies will be the strangest horror movie you will see this year. But it's the drug you need to take.






3.) The Loved Ones (4 spinkicks)

The Loved Ones is the perfect combination of sour and sweet. One moment your seeing all  hell break bloody loose and the next you're watching the nostalgia of prom night. It's the two perspectives on a special night, one that is awkwardly normal and the other straight out of a bizarro horror world. Our protagonist Brent gets the latter and it's been a while since I openly rooted for our final guy to get his revenge served cold.

This is the movie horror fans will call a cult classic and the ones horror fans will recommend to their causal movie fan friends. Prom has always had hijinky and quirky moments. That pesky virginity has to be lost. But you also grow up on that special night. In horror terms, you survive and that's all that counts.


Whatever you may think, The Loved Ones cements what I love about horror movies. Sometimes watching over an hour of hardcore horror is way too much. Intersperse it with scenes of juvenile American Pie jokes and it lessens the eye strain. The way the Loved Ones completes its plot and story arc make it feel like you watched a damn good stand alone episode of Carrie but Australian.

We'll get our prom gone all fucked up this year when Carrie goes all telekinetic, but if you want your fix now, I highly recommend you watch The Loved Ones as soon as you can. It's as good as getting a hole in your head.






2.) American Mary (4 spinkicks)

American Mary is without a doubt one of the best movies of 2012. It is a dissection into the world of body modification that takes a wrong, dreadful turn for the worst. Full of long lasting scenes of female empowerment taken to the limits, it is by far the most powerful, stylized and slickest look into one woman's journey from hopeful optimism to a revenge served cold despotism. The Soska Sisters have created a horror film that is light years ahead of their previous effort. With American Mary, they give us a Joss Whedon like character study into Mary (Katharine Isabelle), who we will see grow up and find her place in the world after experiencing severe trauma.

Never have I seen a movie that delves into this subculture, treats it respectfully and slices in a perfect horror movie inside. I guarantee American Mary will etch it's way into cult status. It's perfect blend of sly black humor, absurd and eerie characters and torturous scenes of pain and agony that equal a milkshake of cult awesomeness.

Horror movies have just grown up in a big way thanks to American Mary.



And the #1 Horror Movie of 2012 is...........






1.) The Cabin in the Woods (4 spinkicks)

The Cabin in the Woods is the best horror movie of 2012. To go even further, it probably is the best horror comedy of the last 10 years. My fellow jaded viewers, CITW is better than Scream (sorry Wes) and all its bastard children. Tucker and Dale vs Evil hinted towards a meta aware horror comedy but CITW goes lights years beyond that. Simply and concisely summarized, Cabin is a meta self aware revolutionary horror comedy that takes those structured horror cliches, be it the stereotypical characters, the irrational choices, the set direction and the mythos and goes all man behind the curtain on it.

Joss and Drew go all Wizard of Oz-ing on the horror genre and it's so brilliant, so awesome and so fucking clever you will leave the theater in a state of pure happy happy joy joy bliss and understand why #CabinintheWoodsisEPIC was trending on Twitter. It's a horror reference machine, sending you cameos, trends and cliches a mile a minute and it asks you to get it. Do you get it? Do you understand the parody of what you're seeing? You don't? Then go ask somebody. Go watch the Universal classics, the slasher franchises, the Kubrick masterpiece. Then you'll understand why Cabin is going to spawn it's own genre and some bastard children of it's own.

The Cabin in the Woods will be remembered as a game changer in the world of horror. It's a horror movie within the making of a horror movie. The Whedon elements are pure mythological magic, where he introduces something new to an audience that has long forgotten or chosen to forget why we all love the horror genre.

Goddard and Whedon break down into the slasher formula and ask the questions we've all asked before, during and after the movie. We've always questioned character motivations, absurd coincidences, elaborate backstory and heroic save the day moments but never has it been put in a movie so brilliantly and with such style and and LOL zingers.

A new generation of millennials has now been introduced us to the topsy turvy world of Hellmouth 101.

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OK, I know you fellow jaded viewers have your opinions and your own lists. So go ahead and let me know what your top 10 is and what other flicks I may have excluded. Chime in and let me know what you think.

This list of the Top 20 Horror Movies of 2012 also is an opportunity to see the movies you may have missed that made many of the best of 2012 within the horror community. We all missed a few flicks here and there. I hope you all give all of these movies a chance and then come back and let me know what's the what.

The Jaded Viewer Related Linkage

Friday, January 18, 2013

The Loved Ones (Review)

The Loved Ones

The Loved Ones (2012)

Directed by Sean Byrne

A standard horror movie runs about 90 minutes. When it runs 80 minutes you start to think "Well, it seems there were some budget concerns". But you can do a lot in 80 minutes and The Loved Ones does just that.

Released in 2009 in Australia, one can only wonder why this movie didn't get at least a theatrical release. Is it because Hollywood plans a remake? God knows they wouldn't have the balls to make it. Sean Byrne's debut film is filled with WTF moment after WTF moment, it's relentless and will make gorehounds ejaculate with glee (that's glee you perv). What it also does is pack some black humor into the mix, as the torture porn is packed with LOL bizarre moments. A "B" story also gives us some high school comedy like moments that eases our tension throughout the film.

The Loved Ones is the perfect combination of sour and sweet. One moment your seeing all  hell break bloody loose and the next you're watching the nostalgia of prom night. It's the two perspectives on a special night, one that is awkwardly normal and the other straight out of a bizarro horror world. Our protagonist Brent gets the latter and it's been a while since I openly rooted for our final guy to get his revenge served cold.

This is the movie horror fans will call a cult classic and the ones horror fans will recommend to their causal movie fan friends. Prom has always had hijinky and quirky moments. That pesky virginity has to be lost. But you also grow up on that special night. In horror terms, you survive and that's all that counts.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When Brent turns down his classmate Lola's invitation to the prom, she concocts a wildly violent plan for revenge. 

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Poor Brent. He gets a case of those sad as his father dies in a car crash as Brent who was driving avoids a figure on the road. Months later, he has an overly concerned mom and a pretty hot girlfriend Holly. He also has a horndog best friend, likes Metallica and smokes weed.

Lola has not none of that. Just a crazy fucked up dad and some finger licking good chicken.

And so begins one of the best movies of 2012. Soon Lola's obsession for Brent has her having her own personal prom with Brent, her insane dad and zombiefied mom and something in the basement. It's not going to be good times for Brent as he's going to have to endure a Hostel torture endurance challenge that would make even Eli Roth squeal. In a parallel story, Brent's BFF Jaime goes to prom with Mia (a goth chick chopped full of attitude). It's this story that gives us breathers in between Brent's unfortunate events. As his girlfriend and the sheriff search for our missing final guy, it all leads to a punch in the stomach ending.

What The Loved Ones does so effectively is not take it self so seriously. It's a horror movie no doubt but the mood is a mix of 80s John Hughes high school melo-comedy if it were on bath salts. The movie is very tight. There are no scenes that seem unnecessary. Nobody goes and talks in wild tangent monologues. We get serious bang for our buck and the ride is so demented, so fucked up and so hilariously awesome you want to say why can't all horror movies be this good.

Describing The Loved Ones, you'd easily say it's about a demented wannabe prom queen who tortures her obsession. But in a way, it's got suspense thriller written all over it. In a way, it's  kidnapping plot through and through where everybody is trying to figure out where the hell did Brent go? You want him to escape (and he does have his chances) and you want him to defend himself and somehow not get as badly damaged (but he totally gets badly fuckin damaged).

The performances are pretty dead on. Xavier Samuel plays a quiet, reserved but resilient Brent. At times he goes silent, showing the pain through serious squeamish inducing interrogation scenes. The father played by John Brumpton goes outback killer daddy. Skilled with experience on making people scream. But it's Robin McLeavy as Lola aka Princess who's decked out in a pink prom dress that steals the show. She plays the sadistic serial killer perfectly, blending in kid like happys with some black humor. Clearly insane, McLeavy does a fantastic job in bringing up fucked up bitch to a whole new level.

The Loved Ones does go into arduous scenes of Hostel territory. The slice and dice torture of Brent is masterfully executed. Armed with knives and a power drill, Lola executes her fucked up torture on a soundtrack of not being pretty enough. It's the little things that give you a glimpse of how Lola's world is like Leatherface family on steroids. Her mom has been zombified, she keeps a scrapbook of her best boy toys now dead and loves milk and chicken. It's well crafted to make you hate her so that by the end, you may want to clap at her demise.

Within here are skilled WTF moments, the craziest being what the fuck is in the basement. Also, just skilled playful scenes of a boy stuck in a tree. It's the balance of black LOL humor and horrific massacre of bodily harm that works. Because when we're not seeing Brent fucked up, we follow his BFF Jaime and his prom date Mia. It's this 80s comedy throwback of stoner boy with goth-tard chick doing teenager hi jinks that balances both story lines as we watch, then connects them at the end.

So you may ask who are the loved ones? Well it seems love comes in all form from what Byrne point of view. A father to a daughter, a mom/dad to a son, a girl to a boy, a crazy sicko girl to a boy. A boy to his dog. Clearly we must decide which relationship strikes a chord the most to us and realize love can be good or it can become the evilest thing you've ever seen. 

Whatever you may think, The Loved Ones cements what I love about horror movies. Sometimes watching over an hour of hardcore horror is way too much. Intersperse it with scenes of juvenile American Pie jokes and it lessens the eye strain. The way the Loved Ones completes its plot and story arc make it feel like you watched a damn good stand alone episode of Carrie but Australian.

We'll get our prom gone all fucked up this year when Carrie goes all telekinetic, but if you want your fix now, I highly recommend you watch The Loved Ones as soon as you can. It's as good as getting a hole in your head.

Nude-ipedia

Some steamy car sex boobs

Gore-ipedia

Lots of moments Kathryn Bigelow would be proud of

WTF moment


Finding out what was in the basement

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Loved Ones is out on DVD. Check out the official site. I really do recommend this film. It's a perfect horror film that should not have been relegated to straight to DVD status when it hit American shores last year.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Excision (Review)

Excision

Excision (2012)

Directed by Richard Bates Jr.

See the poster on the right? That's actress AnnaLynne McCord. She is extremely hot and beautiful. See the upside down picture of her? That's also her. What you'll get with Excision is more upside down brunette AnnaLynne rather than blonde AnnaLynne. And you know what?

It's that brunette "ugly" AnnLynne that makes Excision one hell of a fuckin movie.

McCord's complete transformation from one of the hottest young stars in Hollywood to an outcasted, odd and completely crazy Pauline is one of the best performances of the year. In Excision, Richard Bates debut film based on his short, a coming of age story on a volcano of WTF. Delusional and dreamlike, Excision is suburban America macabre, weirdness with a smile and a bloody mouth. It feels American Mary-ish but less grown up. Which isn't really a bad thing. I would say it would be this years The Woman, where we see the suburban darkness in a Tim Burton like universe.

It's truly one of the oddest and jaw dropping films I've seen and makes a case for a spot on my 2012 list. Weird vivid imagery, characters that are all red blooded 'Murica! and a lead character that goes against all that is normal in our very normal world.

Whatever I thought would happen, didn't. And for that I applauded.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A disturbed and delusional high school student with aspirations of a career in medicine goes to extremes to earn the approval of her controlling mother. 

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The movie starts off with delusions. Pauline's (AnnaLynne McCord) delusions can only mean she's a little more than fucked up. Bloody dreams full of corpses and unnecessary surgery are ones that can only mean one may be unhinged. She's a student with a overbearing mom (Traci Lords), a terminally ill sister and a sissy dad. Pauline is truly an ugly duckling....long uncombed hair, a few specks of acne and a wardrobe from the dollar store. Her personality is the very definition of "anti", questioning the authority of her teachers and priest. However, she is an independent woman, bent on making the people around her uncomfortable and making sure she gets what she wants.

The plot is more so a character study of Pauline. Her mom raises her in that pageant mom sorta way and as moms do make her do things she doesn't want. If there is a plot to Excision it's buried in the mundane tasks her mom wants Pauline to do. What you believe to be a movie where somehow an ugly duckling turns into a swan never goes into that territory and thank the horror gods for that. It never wavers in the fact that some people are comfortable in their own skin and no level of makeup, change in attire or weight loss will make one happy.

As we follow Pauline along, her main motivation is to survive the day, barely caring what people think of her but more so to become a surgeon to cure her sister. But how can one do that when you go against the current of all that is normal? This leads to an ending that is a reality to check to her and to all of us. A pure WTF moment at it's most raw.

McCord is downright unrecognizable as Pauline. If you Google her, you'll see an actress that barely resembles Pauline. I really do admire an actress who's willing to not rely on her looks, done some serious ugly prosthetics and give a performance that goes beyond what we think they can do. Here McCord is fantastic, her monologues against religion and than praying to God are superb. As you watch her performance, you only see Pauline a distraught teenager with some serious case of mental issues. It was amazing to see her stripped of beauty and act as this quirky know it all.

Lords also gives quite a performance as the toddler and tiara mom. Who knew an underage pornstar from the 80s could actually give a performance like this?

The seductive feeling of Excision is that you want to root for Pauline, as we the viewer usually root for the outsider. We tend to think we're all outsiders and not one of the Hollister and Amber and Crombie clone zombies. The fact she alienates everybody around her makes her more appealing. Though we all seem to think she'll eventually fit in by metamorphasizing into one of the clones, like one of those cheesy 80s teenage rom coms...she doesn't.

Bates seems to want you to be uncomfortable and like Pauline even though she does despicable things. She's "ugly", she's non compliant and she's independent. How can we like somebody like that? But somehow I did like her. I haven't seen a character like that since Lucky McKee's May. Many movies have tried this (and you'll see it in the Carrie remake for sure). It's a hard to make somebody care for somebody that crazy.

The film is not perfect though. We've seen some of that Excision "formula" of outcast vs The Cleavers before and it rehashes things in a few films I've seen before. The focus is a bit disjointed as Pauline clashes with her family, her school and her classmates. Nothing is really gained by these entanglements except getting to see how strange and fucked up Pauline is. And in a nutshell, like I said before, there really is no plot in this. There is nothing really significant that's happening to Pauline that is remotely interesting. Like I said, it's just a day in the life of....

With that said, can somebody who's everything society has taught us is not beautiful be somebody we can care about? That's where this movie will be a hit or miss with viewers. If you dig Pauline, you'll see that the American cookie cutter society is the source of the unhappy. If you don't, your more inclined for her to conform. It's a black comedy that makes you feel awkward because you may see YOU as the type of character onscreen. Pauline's witty comebacks and contradictions will make you laugh, but oddly make you think as well.

Excision is that little film that questions our American values and whether or not we can find happiness in who we are and whether or not we can do it while were a little bit crazy. Underneath the prototypical family is a world we don't necessarily see. Everybody is a bit crazy, has dreams that would make the most alpha male cringe but we hide those feelings and those thoughts deep into the trenches of our brain.

Some people let it all out and show the world who they really are. So who's really normal huh?

Nude-ipedia

Weird dreams by Pauline means naked women for us!

Gore-ipedia

Some blood that your tween brother can handle

WTF moment


The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis


Excision is out on Blu Ray and DVD. Check out the official site and Facebook page. It's a soon to be cult classic, waiting to be discovered by some curious movie fan and hopefully embraced by the horror community. It's worth a look to see why Excision is curiously on some Best of 2012 lists.

Rating:



Check out the trailer.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Best Elephants and OMG! Movies of 2012


Before I post my top 10 horror movies (yes it's coming soon), I wanted to go over the other movies (yes I saw other non horror flicks) that I thought were super duper awesome this year. From the box office Hollywood juggernauts to the indie spectaculars, these stood out like no other (plus there the only ones I saw).

I still can't believe I haven't seen Looper yet.

"Box Office Elephants"


1.) Django Unchained: Yummy Tarantino is pure filmmaking at its best

2.) The Dark Knight Rises: Very epic conclusion to the trilogy. 

3.) End of Watch: It's the anti Training Day because it's pro cops. You need to see this flick because it takes buddy cop vs gangsta flicks to a whole new level of aweome,

4.) Marvel's The Avengers: Whedon is my Master now.

5.) 21 Jump Street: Having not seen Ted yet, this was pretty damn funny.


"OMG! Movies"

1.) The Raid: Redemption: Best action movie of 2012. Nuff said.

2.) Expendables 2: Glad to see JCVD back in the theaters.

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What non horror movies did you think were the best of 2012? Let me know!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2012

It's that time of year again where I go through all the crappy and mediocre movies I've seen and give you my best witty jabs from each review. Everybody has their worst of 2012 lists. But as I try to AVOID bad films, sometimes I'm unlucky and see some utter crap. The only salvation in seeing horrible movies is they turn into awesome funny reviews.

So enjoy some quote snippets from the crap chunks of movies me and my fellow writers saw that made smash a few walls with my head....yet again

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"Recycled’ doesn’t necessarily resign a movie to a fate of suckage. When you’re playing to human fear, there are only so many threads to explore. Filmmakers in the genre build on and borrow from each other almost as a rule. But you’d better add something original to make it stick in people’s heads if you’re going that route. The fact that one of the hillbillies vaguely resembles Willie Nelson is not enough for me."

from Special K's review of Savage County

"In the end Kidnapped will shock the shit out of you (that ending will stick in your mind like a splinter) but says nothing of why violence fascinates us. Kidnapped is awesome style, but little substance and stands on the lower ladder of the home invasion genre. It's also why I disliked The Strangers so much. I need more than "Because you were home"."

from Kidnapped review

"Alien movies, even when done well, are not typically the subgenre I reach for first. Plus, I tend toward thinking that any film with the word ‘Ferocious’ in the title is bound to be lame. But you can't judge a film by it's cover right?

Okay... maybe you can."



from Special K's review of Ferocious Planet

"Today we get shit like The Summer of Massacre. A movie whose sole premise is that it holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the Highest Body Count in a slasher film at 155. To get this record it fills 1 hour and 37 minutes with HORRIBLY BAD CGI KILLS. And I don't mean these were Romero like CGI, I mean this is MS Paint bad CGI. It's the equivalent of super transposed 16 bit Genesis graphics on top of the movie. Atari had better graphics than this film."

from The Summer of Massacre review

"If you want to see Aussie Suicide girls battle sea monsters, this will be your favorite movie. I liked the eye candy and the fairly cheesy monster mash gore. But clearly it's the same as watching a Skinemax action movie. Pick your poison."


from El monstro del mar! review

10.) The movie cop ineptness is a thankless job. It's hard to this stupid.

from Scream 4 WTF List

"Yes fellow jaded viewers, it's called "A Fall from Grace". And it's so horribly bad that it's fuckin awesome. It makes The Room look like Citizen Kane. It makes Birdemic look like The Birds. This short has elements of all that is perfect in this millennial age. It's vintage 90s (or it maybe circa early 2000s I actually have no idea so I'm gonna say late 90s), its made my college film students and it utilizes the now archaic Internet communication of the time (it's AOL Instant Messenger!)."

from a co-worker's short called A Fall from Grace

"When you do an ensemble, you should have 1-2 main antagonists, a comic relief guy, some eye candy and a WTF guy. Elevator has them all but none do a decent job at...well their jobs."

from Elevator review

"The ending was weaker than Mike's Hard Lemonade"

from Gut review

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Also check out my previous year editions of The Best Quotey Quotables!

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

John Dies at the End (Review)

John Dies at the End

John Dies at the End (2012)

Directed by Don Coscarelli

Living in NYC has its perks when it comes to premiere screenings. In this case, courtesy of Bloody Disgusting I got to go to the NYC premiere of John Dies at the End, the new film from Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep director Don Coscarelli. The awesome perk was Coscarelli and Exective Producer Paul Giamatti were in attendance and did a Q&A after the screening. Now that's awesome sauce for a random weekday.

I've been hyped to see JDATE as it's been hyped since its festival run. But now out on demand, to see it on the big screen with pure horror fans is the only way to see it. So what can I say about this cult book that is now a cult movie?

John Dies at the End is all that is great with indie horror cinema. It's full of wacky and memorable characters and every scene oozes more WTF from the last. It is Bill and Ted but for horror fans. The premise is so kooky, it's like you're seeing a mental patients wet dream. What JDATE does is really smack you with 80s horror ingenuity, spew out comedic literature a mile a minute while making sure you have no idea what's going to happen next.

It's really a fun horror comedy that is this year's Tucker and Dale. Dave and John (our main protagonists) are a dynamic duo who tackle apocalyptic evil in a most hilarious way possible. I had a feeling John Dies would be on my Top 10 list of 2012.

Once I finished seeing it, I knew exactly where to put it. 

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A new street drug that sends its users across time and dimensions has one drawback: some people return as no longer human. Can two college dropouts save humankind from this silent, otherworldly invasion? 

Awesome Review-O-Matic

You really do have to be in the right frame of mind to see a Don Coscarelli movie. You have to expect the zany, the weird and the unexpected. And what it equals is the same as going through a car wash for your brain. It's gonna be a soapy mess but it's going to make sense at the end.

We meet David Wong, our intrepid know it all noob psychic who wants to tell his somewhat tall tale to Arnie, a reporter as skeptical like the rest of us. Seems Dave has experienced a crazy adventure with his friend John (who according to the title, seems to die at the end). As Dave does his slacker thing, he meets  a spooky Jamaican, a handless cute girl and soon accidentally gets hit with the "soy sauce", a drug that fucks shit up for him and John. Aided by a TV psychic Marconi and questioned then evading the cops, Dave and John go into the realm of the surreal and one can only wonder what the fuck is actually going on?

John Dies actually is linear if you can believe it. But it's pretty bizarre as wacky shit happens to both Dave...and Dave and well it seems crazy shit always happens to Dave. Once they're both "sauced" it's clearly smack in the head crazy. Going in Evil Dead Raimi-ish territory, evil creatures lurk for Dave to battle, though guarded in a Force like way by John. The visuals are seemingly like a lucid dream, jam packed with moments that are hilarious and had me LOL-ing.

Chase Williamson (Dave) and Rob Mayes (John) are relatively unknown actors and they play buddies perfectly. Throw in a host of "That Guy!" actors and Paul Giamatti, it's an acting bonanza that has some straight and zig zag moments. The dialogue including a voice over narration is chock full of Buffy like dialogue, an homage to the book (which I've never read but will now) written by "David Wong" who is actually Jason Pargin a Senior Editor at Cracked.com. As a reader of Cracked.com, the dialogue reminds me of one of their list articles, full of pop culture references and tangent weirdness.

The movie is one long acid trip for Dave and as he has to investigate this horror X-File, find his friend John and battle the upcoming evil from another dimension. Picture Dave, talking into a bratwurst on a roll, to his friend...John who died earlier. Make sense? Well it does as you watch along.

Full of memorable side characters, decent non CGI effects and a meat monster, I write this chuckling to myself because even though it sounds cheesy, the damn film works on so many levels. It's a horror comedy and it made me laugh for its 99 minute run time and that's pretty much how effective it was. In a sense, John Dies was my soy sauce, and for a few hours, I was higher than a man in a space suit about to jump from the stratosphere.

It's only drawback is it won't hook the mainstream. It's so out there that even the younglings of today will be confused. Also, though the evil is a little on the SyFy-ish level and on that note, whatever was written in the book is probably unfilmmable. I'll have to read the book to be sure. I'm pretty sure choice cuts were needed to make a comprehensible movie.

It's one of the best movies of 2012 as it hits all the right notes on how effective indie horror can be when you can take the source material and be faithful to the essence of why it's a cult classic. Yes John Dies will be the strangest horror movie you will see this year. But it's the drug you need to take.

Shit, it's legal in all 48, including Hawaii and Alaska I think. Say Yes to JDATE.

Nude-ipedia

An alternate universe full of topless minions

Gore-ipedia

Entrails and gore and all things not nice
Blood and guts all done funny

WTF moment


The entire fuckin movie

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

John Dies at the End is out now. It comes to theaters Jan 25th.

iTunes: http://bit.ly/TzJpTB
Amazon: http://amzn.to/U2D2EK
On Demand: http://on.fb.me/VfAMJ2


If you want to see an awesome horror comedy that's not Cabin in the Woods, this be it.

The Vitals
Rating:
 1/2
Check out the trailer.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Django Unchained (Review)

Django Unchained

Django Unchained (2012)

Directed by Quentin Tarantino

Movies these days are not events. We see a flick and for 90 or so minutes we're entertained. But for some of us who grew up on Quentin Tarantino films, it's a little bit different. I saw Pulp Fiction in the theater. And then all his successive films were must see in the theater.

So when Django Unchained came calling, I was buzzed and hyped. And I know why.

Because nobody can craft a film like he can.

Django Unchained whisks you into a world where HIS characters, his conversations, his heroes and villains are like no other. He can give you a blood bath in one scene and a serious satirical take on the horrible history of this country. I posted a 5 Movies You Need To See Before You Watch Django Unchained. It's a good list but nothing can compare to the movie itself.  It's a fantastic homage to the spaghetti westerns we've all seen though I wouldn't call myself an expert. Insano Steve luckily was and appreciated the cliches. Extreme closeups, nice exterior shots, men on horseback riding into the sunset.  We get them all in Django and in a world of CGI -fests, seeing a movie BE a movie pre-technology is refreshing.

Some said a spoof on slavery is blasphemy or that tackling a revenge thriller with slavery somehow insults the past (ahem Spike). But here's the thing. The mass of jabronis  won't see Lincoln or some history biopic about the past. Something has to hook them. When you want to talk about something serious, something important about the past or how the world is, you need to roll it up in some fuckin awesome salsa (see Serbian Film). That's what Django does. It shows the horror of slavery but puts some hot sauce in it. And in a way it works.

Masses of people saw Django. In the theater I was in some black people were so distraught they walked out. I'm not sure what they thought they were going to see but fuck, I mean it's Tarantino slavery revenge epic, what did you think this was? In another ironic twist, outside the theater a black girl was being arrested by a seemingly all white NYPD. I thought Django would ride into the middle of Times Square to exact some revenge-o-mundo.

I won't rehash plot here as you probably know the story by now. What I will say is the the scenes of slavery are pretty horrific (though they are tame in comparison to Goodbye Uncle Tom's). It's a backdrop to Jamie Foxx who as Django clearly vibes of revenge incarnate. As King Schultz (Christoph Waltz in a stellar performance) guiding our bounty hunter to be, they become the awesome duo bring back memories of Jules and Vincent. In one scene during dinner, Django so close to his wife tenses up as Calvin Candie spews out his racist dialogue and window shops his "property". It's suspenseful, full of anguish for both the character and viewer that both are in pain. It's scenes like this that are pure Tarantino.

What the younglings don't understand is that QT intentionally writes these scenes out. Like the aftermath in Reservoir Dogs, QT doesn't have you go straight to Candyland. No No. He has Django and Schultz ride up with Candie and crafts scenes of horror so you understand the disgusting plight of how the black man was treated in the 1800s. And so Calvin Candie becomes an evil you have never seen. Leonardo DiCaprio is unbelievably magnificent giving off a wickedness one can expect from every performance. Seeing DiCaprio play a villain is such a change of pace, I can see why he wanted to be part of this film.

Also, like in Inglorious Basterds, villains come in many forms. Who we perceive as the ultimate villain is just a red herring to seeing the person we really should hate. With IB, it was Hitler as the face of evil but by the end we see it's Hans Landa being the focus. In Django Unchained, Candie is plastered all over the trailer and poster but we begin to see Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson) is the man that has more to lose than Candie. Even Candie begins to adapt, recognizing Django as a unique and "intriguing" free man, being even open to allowing him to question his motives. But Stephen, as a house slave does not want the status quo to change. In a hilarious scene he questions who fuck this [insert N word here] is riding this horse. He has power and does not want to share it. Who is more evil in this twisted world?

And then after we've monologued with some brilliant conversations and dialogue, QT gives us a fucked up bloodbath on a massive scale. Bounty hunting like a motherfucker. Whips, shotguns and pure relentless Smith and Wesson shootouts. It's the Southern blood bath every body had hoped for. Even QT's cameo came with a shocking ending.

Add in the ridiculous cameos (yeah we saw you Mr. Hill) and hilarious wardrobe selection by our freed Django and the goofy one liners, it all ads up to a magnificent, breathtaking film that is a cult classic for the masses and critics alike.

Django Unchained is loads of fun. Quentin Tarantino is the original master of the revenge epic (sorry Chan Wook Park)and he is the genius we deserve and the one we need right now. When a QT film releases, it's an event. What we need to appreciate is that these events may be a long time coming but we need to see them for what they are.

An original movie wrapped up in an amalgamation of genres, with a side of satire with some damn hot sriracha sauce. Now that's fuckin yummy.

Rating:


Check out the trailer below.