Sunday, September 16, 2007

jadedviewer.com's rating system

I wanted to explain our rating system so going forward everybody good get a clear understanding of what we think is good and what is utter shit.

As I am a big fan of Jean Claude Van Damme, (even his shitty straight to DVD movies) the rating system is based on Van Damme spin kicks.



The Van Damme spin kick, first seen in the movie BloodSport is lethal and a most potent weapon (other than the infamous Dim-Mak) in the arsenal of Frank Dux. In the course of the final match between Frank Dux and Chong Li, Dux connects on 4 spinkicks to finish off Chong Li. Though, he makes Chong Li say "Uncle" and wins the Kumite via submission, it's the spin kick that enables Dux to get the win.

So our rating system is born.

Below you will find what each rating means.


4 Spin kicks

Rating:





If we give a movie 4 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is beyond awesome. It beckons the good horror of old. It's STRONGLY, HIGHLY recommended. It's so good, you wanna slap your momma. It's totally kick ass with an extra side of whoopass. It makes you want to blow some shit up. This is the movie than will change your life. It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life. After watching this movie, you've been spinkicked into a submission of awesomness.



3 Spin kicks

Rating:




If we give a movie 3 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is awesome. It's recommended but not too highly. It's so good, you wanna slap your pappa. It's totally kick ass without the extra side. It makes you want to blow some shit up (but in a controlled environment). This is the movie than will change your life (for about a good month). It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life (then apply for another job). After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into an awesome euphoria (sorta like if you were on schrooms).


2 Spin kicks


Rating:




If we give a movie 2 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is ok. It's recommended but I would think twice about whether you should see this movie or pay your rent. It's good, you wanna slap your sista. It's kick ass but it might be you who's ass gets kicked. It makes you want to blow some shit up (possibly your neighbor's mailbox). This is the movie that WILL NOT change your life. You might as well have spent some money on some Ramen or a slice of pizza. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into reality in 2 hours (or 80 min depending on the running time).


1Spinkick

Rating:




If we give a movie 1 spin kick, it basically means this movie is utter shit. It's NOT recommended at all and you should start an internet petition for others to not see this piece of garabge either. It's so bad, you wanna slap your self for seeing it. It's doesn't kick ass and you should kick your own ass for watching this vile piece of celluloid. It makes you want to blow yourself up (and possibly even gouge your eyes out so you will never have to watch movies again). This is the movie that will make you vomit for a full hour. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into watching chick flicks.

0 Spinkicks

If we give a movie 0 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is completely utter shit and I will hunt down the director and skull fuck him. After seeing this movie, suicide is taken under serious consideration. The movie might make you jump off a bridge. After watching this movie, death should be highly considered.

I hope this rating system is helpful for all going forward. If you have any suggestions, please use the comments below to chime in.

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