Saturday, February 23, 2008

George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead (Review)

Diary of the Dead

Diary of the Dead (2008)
Directed by George A. Romero

Cloverfield with Zombies.

Oh George. Where were you trying to go with this one?

Suffice it to say, I didn't enjoy DOTD. The overall film didn't give me a happy like Land of the Dead where George with his all star cast and special effect zombie gore was like a good meal.

Here are my gripes in no particular order.

1.) 1st person perspective/multiple camera shooting type movies

I'm beginning to hate this film device with a passion. Cloverfield did it and it made me sick. Here the film is edited together from shot footage and for a zombie movie, this just doesn't work. The threat of zombies is seeing them in large masses. That's scary shit. They may be slow but in huge numbers your going to shit in your pants. The movie doesn't need this FPS type device to make it work. George could have made it without this crap and it would have been way better

2.) These characters suck and the acting was horrible

NYU-film school hipsters are worse than NYU hipsters being chased by a monster.

These characters are very badly written.

Jason (the director guy): Yo, you really gotta film everything? Seriously? I mean put the fuckin camera down and help your friends before they get eaten

Debra (the survival girl): She is a spitting image of Eliza Dushku. So annoying with her "I need to save my family" crap. I really wanted her brains eaten.....slowly.


Tracy (hot Texan girl): She barely got naked.

Mary (victim girl): The "where's the religion" perspective

Maxwell (the snotty drunk teacher): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. He can shoot arrows really well.
Mummy guy, other director guy, etc.

I wanted all of these characters to die. All of them. I hated all of them.
They were actually worse than the Cloverfield hipsters.
That says a fuckin lot.

3.) Missing: Gore Gore Splatter Gore

A couple of good gore moments. Sickle through the face. Gunshots to the head are always good. Arrow through the head. Acid through the brain. And that was it?

George, we know you don't fail us with the gore and splatter. It's what we love your movies for. But where was it here? I hate this CGI zombie kill gore. It just doesn't look real. We need Savini (I can't believe I wrote that). We need good ole fashion blood pumps and pig intestines.

That was a monumental failure in this movie. Without gore and splatter and blood, it's not a zombie movie.

Where were the scenes of zombies just munching and lunching? I paid $11 to see that shit.


4.) The satire doesn't need to be explained to me through a voiceover

Horror fans are smart. We appreciate satire in our horror.

We got it. We didn't need it explained to us.

Night was about the plight of blacks in America, Dawn was a crack at consumerism, Day was a reflection on the corruption of power and Land was about classism and how through the most dire of circumstances the status quo somehow remains the same.

Diary is of course about how technology and media separate ourselves from reality and the world we live in.

George, we didn't need Debra telling this us in monologue voiceover. We didn't need those scenes explaining to us that he's shooting the film but not taking part in it.

We get it. You kind of made me mad and assumed I wouldn't get it.

But that didn't save the movie.

Only George would do an homage to his own Night of the Living Dead in Diary.

Diary at the end of the day is perceived as a zombie movie with a gimmick. Romero is of course the creator and he can take his zombie-verse anywhere he wants to.

I just think he took a wrong turn on this one.


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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Cloverfield (Review)


Cloverfield (2008)
Directed by Matt Reeves

Fuckin Cloverfield. In a previous post, I speculated and tried to predict what the Cloverfield monster would be. I went out on a limb and said it was the Lake Champlain monster, Champ.

Of course I was fuckin wrong.

And then I saw the frakin movie and it made me dizzy and nauseous.

Fuck you Cloverfield.

To tell you the truth. I didn't really like it. I saw it like the mindless atomoton jabroni masses and got caught up with the freakin hype.

And so for about 80 minutes I watched the following:

1.) Hipsters acting like freakin hipsters and making hipster references for the YouTube crowd

2.) Hipsters running away from the big, giant lobster monster

3.) Hipsters in love doing dumb shit to move the plot along

4.) Hipsters reading off of a very badly written script and making corny hipster jokes

5.) Hipsters making a mockery of the subway system (Spring to fuckin Lexington? WTF?)

6.) Hipsters acting like a big giant space monster isn't important enough to film while on a rooftop that gives you clear view of the freakin thing

7.) Hipsters dying (that was my favorite part of the movie)

Ooooooo. There's a space transmission at the end. Ooooooooooo. The asteroid carrying the monster is in the last scene.


This is a monster movie without an awesome monster. So in between scenes of hipsters running around, you see glimpses of what can only be a lobster that shits out lobster babies. Wow.

And boy does the US Military kinda suck when it comes to killing a lobster.

No origin of the monster is explained. Just 9/11 like carnage Godzilla style. For somebody who actually was on the streets of Manhattan on 9/11, I don't need a reminder.

So suffice ot to say, Cloverfield is clovercrap.

If you want to see a monster movie, see The Host. Now that's a monster movie.


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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Olaf Ittenbach's Poision Trailer

I guess he didn't like the oddly shaped stainless steel coffee table at Ikea.

More rampage, carnage and destruction by German splatter master, Olaf Ittenbach.