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Review of the Day: Halloween (Rob Zombie Remake)

Halloween

Halloween (2007)
Directed by Rob Zombie

I don't know why Zombie thought he could attempt to remake Halloween. It's just going to fuel the naysayers who love to add fuel to the fire American horror is dead. And though I loved the Devil's Rejects, this piece of floating turd should be flushed down the nearest toilet.

The thing about this movie is that the aura of Michael Myers is his ambiguity. All Loomis tells us from Carpenter's version is he is pure evil. That's enough to go by. He killed his sister, some of the asylum staff and he wants to murder his sister. His backstory is wrapped up. He is evil. That's all we gotta know.

Seeing Michael Myers and his fucked up childhood is liking seeing a Lifetime TV movie. Stripper mom, alcoholic stepfather, sexpot sister and innocent little baby "Boo". Are we suppose to debate Michael's surroundings and environment made him evil?

I don't fuckin care.

What I care about his my potential heroine being helpless and weak but through the chase and survival of a torturous night, becomes strong and brave. I care about her friends who will be filled with teenage angst and sexual desires, then will be killed meticulously by our ingenious slasher.

Myers is smart. He's strong. He's focused. And he's fuckin mute. Hearing Myers speak is like Jason Voorhees cracking Freddy Kreuger jokes. Mute means mute. He doesn't say a damn word. Not as a kid. Not ever.

I'm not going to bore you with the plot, the gore and the endless cameos by the Zombie regulars. What I wanted from Zombie was to take Halloween and make it his own. He took most of the elements from Carpenter and just colored them differently.

Even Laurie Strode, our heroine is somebody you wouldn't even want to hang out with. She never knew why she was being stalked. The whole boogeyman angle was never fully developed. The kids were waaaaaay too smart and tried to hammer down the boogeyman thing into our collective conciousness.

Myers is the boogeyman. But we'd never know it from this flick. He is suppose to be the embodiment of little children's nightmares. And what Carpenter does well is make the boogeyman real to not just the kids Laurie is babysitting, but to her and her friends.

In Zombie's version, you never get that feeling. We know too much of Myers. The mystery is gone. His eventual demise doesn't initiate a Tiger Woods fist pump but a smack in the forehead.

This is not a very good film. And sometimes I think American horror is dead. But then I watch the original and I have hope.

Watch Carpenter's version and you'll see why Halloween is the best slasher movie of all time.


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The worst part of this movie for me wasn't even the movie itself, but the kid behind the counter where I rented it (which I only did so I could write a review for it). He got really excited that I was renting the movie and told me how good it was. I told him I wasn't a fan of remakes, but that I was going to give it a chance. He replied with something like 'Oh, I never saw the first one but that this one was so much better because it explains why Myers is killing everyone.' I couldn't believe it.

Tween horror fans are so clueless. To not watch Carpenter's Halloween is blasphemy. I feel for the youth of today.

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