Blackout Haunted House: Spring 2012 Edition (Review/Walkthrough)

"I'm being toyed with by a bunch of depraved children" 


- Nicholas Van Orton (The Game, 1997)

PROLOGUE

I've always had a fascination with participating in something only a few people get to do. Be it a flash mob, an ARG or an assassination game played with water guns. But unfortunately I haven't had the chance to do any of those as of yet. What I have done is be part of the legend that is Blackout Haunted House and experience their haunts like no other. I've been to 2 of their Halloween haunts and 1 of their Spring events. I'd like to say I'm a Blackout veteran but this haunted house has been around since 2009 and there are more hardcore fans than me.

I've received comments, tweets and e-mails from countless jaded viewers who will view the most sickest, disturbing and vile horror movies I recommend but won't ever ever...and I mean ever go to Blackout's haunt. They think it may be too intense for them to make it through. So they wait for me to give them the safe and easy way to experience it through this little corner of the interwebs and as you know I'm happy to oblige.

I've now met my fellow survivors (at a Blackout after event complete with free drinks) who, like me have survived this Spring 2012 edition and it's funny hearing that they read my past reviews and walkthroughs and it helped or convinced them to partake in Blackout's October and May haunts. I couldn't thank them enough because as a writer, the only feedback you get is through comments and this being the Internet, the majority are always negative. Hearing them say how much they liked the detailed dreamlike recount of what I experienced makes it all worthwhile when I do these. So I thank you guys for making me sound awesome.

But I digress. You didn't come here to read my rants and raves on my motivations and such. You came here to read about what only 20 or so people experienced last month. You're here to read about this underground haunted house that the other haunted houses talk about. You're here to read about the first rule of "Horror Club" is not to talk about "Horror Club". This legendary theater experience where you sign a waiver, have to read cryptic rules and has a fuckin SAFETY word. You've read all the other reviews, went to their official site and the Facebook page and are fascinated by the cryptic comments of the individuals, nay the survivors who participated on a sunny, ordinary weekend in one of the most creepiest and fucked up haunted experiences ever conceived.

So I'm here to tell you about the secret that is Blackout Haunted House's Spring 2012 haunt. The one you read about before and believed I totally made up. Hell, nobody I tell ever believes me. Why would they? Will you?

WARNING!!! 

[This review and walkthrough contains HEAVY MOTHERFUCKIN SPOILERS of this event. One day, when you do get the courage to attend a Blackout Haunted House event, you will want the same feeling I had not knowing what was going to happen. To feel the exhilaration of something horrificly awesome....a torment of fun. To experience Blackout to its fullest is to go there virgin fresh, free of spoilers and past knowledge of what occurred in previous incarnations. If you wish to experience this as many others have in a new and exciting way, STOP READING NOW. YES NOW!!! Go surf some porn, create a meme or watch a a kid get kicked in the groin on YouTube.] 

Now if you still wish to proceed. Scroll down like the pussy you are.











The Experience

It all starts with an e-mail. At midnight. The subject line reads: "It's time...you've been chosen". Dates are given on a weekend in May. One week later, more e-mails with more information. Then one week later you get the dreaded but exciting 3 dot e-mails. The 3rd e-mail has more information regarding where you'll meet, payment, confirmation of time and those rules. The rules, similar to the Halloween rules are slightly altered and slightly ominous. Lateness will not be tolerated and they stress that you MUST GO THROUGH THIS ALONE.

So on a warm, sunny Saturday night I headed to Manhattan to [LOCATION DELETED] at [TIME DELETED]. I'm unfamiliar with this section of the city and get a bit lost. It's [TIME DELETED] and I only have 3 minutes to get to [LOCATION DELETED]. If I'm late, I might have cost myself a chance to partake in the haunt. I make a wrong turn, see a familiar face and am told I'm not suppose to be here. Then down some steps I see the black t-shirt with those 3 dots and it's fuckin GO time. I had ran to the [LOCATION DELETED] and am now out of breath as I hear the man with the 3 dotted t-shirt ask if I'm The Jaded Viewer. I nod and say yes. I'm led to an empty phone booth. I stare at my fellow New Yorkers as they go enjoy this wonderful spring day. For the 45 or so minutes, I'm not going to be able to.

I soon catch my breath to hear what my guide has to say. I'm getting a bit anxious and nervous levels are increasing at toxic levels. I'm given a waiver to sign and am told to read through it thoroughly. Being the complete jaded viewer I am, I skim through it. I scan there will be VIOLENT AND SEXUAL SITUATIONS and something about being photographed. I've already signed one of these before so I sign my name immediately. Now I'm told to read the last part which has the word INDEMNITY in it. I fuckin ace it because I've been practicing the word in front of a mirror for the past 3 days (Fun Fact: I totally messed up this word in the last Spring Haunt). I also am told to turn off my phone.

Now that all the formalities are out of the way, it looks like we're ready to begin. I'm given an envelope with my name on it and am told to head down the street . So I start walking.  One can't prepare for the level of intensity when this shit starts. True blinding paranoia creeps in like a mothefucker. I walk down one block and start looking around. In the corner of my eye, I spot a large bearded man with a baseball cap in front of me. We both stop at the cross walk. I have no idea if he's "in on it". But I keep my eye on him. He looks waaaaay fuckin shady but then again everybody in NYC looks waaay fuckin shady (even myself). I walk down another block and I start to look behind me (because I know from my past experience and countless horror movies, that you need to do this every 5 goddamn minutes). I see a group of Asian girls who look like tourists. Would Blackout have recruited giggling Asian girls to distract me? How cunning they are. You smart motherfuckers. No, no. Red fuckin herring right there.

More walking I start sweating not from the heat but my mind is doing that Matrix thing and telling my body you're fuckin nervous, let's perspire profusely. Suddenly, I hear loud running footsteps and see the MAN. He is in on it and he hands me a flip cell phone and tells me to answer it and to follow the instructions I am given. I quickly head to an open public phone booth and await the call. I see the giggling Asian tourist girls looking at me all weird. In America, it's perfectly normal for strangers to hand over cell phones and look menacing. The cell phone rings and I answer it. I try to filter out the city noise and listen intently. I'm told to open my envelope which I rip open like a kid looking for birthday money. In the envelope is a hotel key card and on some printed paper are INSTRUCTIONS  in big bold letters. I am asked by the man over the phone to read the instructions.

There are 6 directions listed. Number 1 is to go to a [LOCATION DELETED] and go to Room #309. Directions from the lobby are given. Number 2 is to enter the room and go to the desk by the window. Number 3 tells me there is a gift waiting for me and I'm to take my shoes and socks off, leave them by the bed and to place the phone by the nightstand. Number 4 is to turn off ALL the lights. Number 5 is to crawl into bed and get under the covers. Finally, Number 6 is to Go to Sleep.

The voice over the phone tells me to look to my left and if I see the [LOCATION DELETED]. I see a hotel in the distance and am told to walk to it. The phone conversation ends and I make my way to the hotel entrance. What the hell have I gotten myself into? In an odd way, this time around I was able to take in what was happening. This haunt compared to the past ones had moments of lull, some nothingness which seemed to build up the anticipation while simultaneously angering me to the fact I had paid for nothing to happen. But we'll get back to that in a second.

As I make my way to the lobby, it's a crowded scene. Hotel staff are checking in tourists, guests are scattered about and kids are running around. I look at my directions and follow them precisely. I see a hotel bar and quickly scan it but I know I'm on a schedule. I see the elevator I am suppose to use and see a family also waiting for it as well. I get into the elevator with the father and his kids and give them a skeptical look. Hmmm, would Blackout use a family as a smokescreen for something else? You sick bastards! The family gets out with me and I start searching for Room #309. The family quickly scoots ahead of me and enters the room across from 309. Well now I'm seeing these decoys in a whole new light. If they have to come into play, Blackout has really out done themselves.

I enter the room and follow my written instructions. It's an ordinary hotel room with 2 double beds. The beds and been stripped of bed sheets thought a lone pillow and cover lie perfectly made. 3 lamps are illuminating this room and the AC is humming inconsistently. I see the desk by the window and go to it. I see my gift which is a shot of whiskey. Never to turn down a shot, I take a deep breathe and down it, as some of my liquid courage trickles down my mouth. My nerves now at threat level WTF are still in the red and the shot does nothing to calm them down. Also, leave it to me to prepare by only having coffee and leftover pizza in my stomach. I leave the phone by the nightstand and take off my sneakers and socks and leave them at the foot of the bed. I then start turning off all 3 lights in the room. I crawl into bed, my glasses still on (because I'm completely dumb) and put the blanket over me.

It's now completely pitch black in the room with only the red glow of what I perceive are cameras to my left and in front of me. The hum of the AC seems louder. At this point and I close my eyes.

As I await my fate, minutes feel like decades. Childhood fears are brought back to life as I for one was one of those kids that slept with a night light. When I was young, my night light broke and I started whimpering for my mommy. (OK full disclosure, this happened last week) Pitch blackness is a level of terror Blackout has has done before and so oddly enough I will admit, I was jaded (yeah I made that pun, sue me). It's an effect that amplifies every creak, every sound, every gasp. You're now limited by to only a few senses and because of this the chills are echoed throughout. As I closed my eyes, knowing full well shit would hit the fan at any moment, I got a sense of serenity. Waiting builds up tension for noobs, but for a veteran like myself I was slightly angered shit wasn't happening at a quicker pace. Now having looked back upon this, the effect Blackout was going for is to be admired and designed for the newbie experience. Such is the way of things.

Now my sixth sense had told me people were in the room with me. I could hear the tap of footsteps and I was hearing a hollow breath of fucked up people who wanted to do fucked up things to me. I feel a touch on my foot, then my face. Two living breathing human beings are now getting into bed with me and I can't see a thing. They start to squeeze my body from both sides of the bed and they are breathing into both my left and right ear simultaneously with a level of maximus. It's a level of pseudo paranormal weirdness that is way beyond I could have ever come up with. As the breathing into my face went from slow, to medium to insane it abruptly ends.

In a film-like quick edit of a home invasion gone awry, the lights turned on, I see the fleeting faces of my bed mates and a pillow case is thrown over my head. I'm told to get up, then bear hugged, and I am guided to the bathroom. I hear the bathroom door close behind me. As I stand in the bathroom, bare foot with a pillow case over my head my mind races and prepares for the WATERBOARDING. I believe this is going to happen because it has happened before. Would the levels of this go up a notch? Would they decide to outdo the CIA? Would I call SAFETY in the midst of a waterboarding that would reach extreme levels? When faced with a situation one has done before, it feels familiar. But instead of the familiar, I instead hear a voice in the bathroom with me.

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK???

I instead hear a voice telling me to "REMOVE YOUR HOOD". I proceed to do so and look around. It's your typical hotel bathroom, sink with no mirror. Toilet and in the corner was a pile of dirty towels. A bathtub lay in front of me with an ominous curtain and the drips of water emanating from it.

I say hello or something to that affect. The voice, in a scratchy Dark Knight sorta way, implores me to "OPEN THE CURTAIN". Well I've watched countless horror movies. In every horror movie, there's a door or a box or something somebody opens and they do it waaaaaaaaaaaay fuckin slowly. I'm not going to do that. You know you've seen it before. And oddly enough, I also became a human horror cliche. I too, hesitated a moment, fearful of what was behind that damn curtain. But being the veteran I am, ripped open the curtain and too my surprise what was behind it was not a sight I thought I would have imagined.

In the bathtub lay a completely naked woman. She lay there motionless with a white hood over her head.I scanned her body (which every red blooded American male instinctively does when they see a member of the opposite sex in their birthday suit). She coughs, a choking cough that jolts me a bit. The voice says to "REMOVE THE HOOD" and clearly this is the penultimate scene of my personalized horror movie. You would have thought years of watching horror movies would have prepared me to remove a hood covering the head of a naked girl in a bathtub, but until faced with it, you start to realize IRL shit is way fuckin different and terrifying from horror movie cliche shit. Preparing myself for the worst, I remove the hood.......

.....and see the sight of an attractive girl, piercing eyes with curly brunette hair.

She asks for "PILLS" and before she even completes the word, I'm frantically looking around the bathroom for them. I toss some towels to the side, look around the toilet and then realize she is pointing to a pill bottle on the soap holder. I quickly open the pills and as she opens her mouth I drop one in. Her voice then echoes for "WATER". I look around and see a spray bottle and rapidly unscrew it and pour a few drops into her mouth. She gulps it down, her throat clearing and she starts to sit up.

I start to kneel down. She starts to whisper in my ear. She asks for my name. I oblige hesitantly as the rule of NO TALKING, reminds me I should have not said that. She gets up from the bathtub and I start to slowly back away to the far edge of the bathroom. She is now a sight to behold. I'll admit, a pretty awesome sight. There are only a few instances where a naked girl means only one thing (yup, I know strip clubs come to mind as well) but the other one....well you know.

She is now standing in front of a fully clothed me and whispers into my left ear "I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT". Oh shit. Bow chicka wow wow. I start to try to focus. Is this a good time to ask if she wants to get a cup of coffee?  Talk about any good movies she's seen? I start to raise my hands, wary that one of the rules was to NEVER TOUCH THE ACTORS. I know fully well I'm here to experience a feargasm but instead I'm getting a fear-rection. She starts to touch me provocatively (is this shit going to turn into 50 Shades of Grey, not that I read it) and a few hints of groping seem to be in action. And at that moment of fearful bliss, shit hits the fan.

The freed captive girl starts to remove my buttoned down shirt and the t-shirt I have underneath. Throwing it on the floor, she starts to unbuckle my belt and pulls down both my jeans and boxers. HOLY FUCKIN SHIT. I'm now completely fuckin naked with a half stock. She moves in closer. Her naked body, my naked body and I feel helpless. Would she start to go all Basic Instinct on me? Her hands move around my exposed flesh, she touches the back of my neck and now she's breathing into my ear. Wow. Then.... [NEXT 2 SENTENCES DELETED]

I had not been expecting any nudity this time around, especially from me. I figured from last year, they'd forgo that gimmick and pick fears they hadn't utilized yet. She opens the bathroom door with my clothes and leaves and now I'm standing naked in a red tinted bathroom. The red tint is coming from a camera strategically placed in the bathroom. I start to use my hands to cover up but I realize this is fuckin useless. Under my breath, I curse Blackout. "YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLES" I mutter. It's a slight uncomfortable feeling being naked, in a bathroom in a strange hotel room. But if this is what I had to do, this is what I had to do.

Nudity is a sinking vulnerable feeling. But having done this last year, one realizes what one is capable of. Sure there was no hospital gown this time but I was willing to strangely take whatever the experience presented me. And then the girl came back in.

She presents me with night vision goggles and a flashlight and tells me to head to the desk. I have no way of covering up so I hold the goggles with one hand and the flashlight with the other. Peering through the grainy blue tinted goggles I look around the room. It's an exciting feeling, one part voyeur another part POV horror come to life. Creatively, it's ingenious to use the night vision to create an atmosphere of unknown dread. I admit, I liked this part. I felt like my POV has changed mid movie and from this 1st person perspective, they've limited my field of vision.  I make my way to the desk. My recollection gets fuzzy though I'm handed a phone (or was it there?) and it rings. I answer it and am ordered to write my name and home address. I place the goggles down and am now naked, sitting at a desk, fiddling with a flashlight in my left hand while writing in bad penmanship my name/address. A man is over my right shoulder. The phone call ends and the man tells me to place the phone on the desk.

Lights come back up.

Between the two beds lies Saran plastic wrap with a big X marked at the front. I am told to place "MY FOREHEAD on the X". I proceed to do so and have my hands in a dead man's position like I'm surrendering to cops. This is the climax, the pinnacle of the Blackout experience and I start to think really bad things. I start to think everything else was a cake walk compared to what may happen. I actually start to think about what I look like, buck naked lying on a hotel floor. It must be surely a sight. To the people that may use Room 309 after me, I apologize. I start to actually have the wiggins. I feel a hand put my arms to my side. And then BOOM!

I'm being wrapped in plastic, a big naked burrito with 2 large men on top of me. It's a helpless feeling but an exhilarating one as well. One man in all black yells at me. "IT'S NEVER OVER!!!!". He probably has more dialogue but I have forgotten it. I'm released by my burrito prison and see my clothes lined up on the bed.

The man proceeds to inform me I have 90 seconds to put my clothes on and exit the hotel. I'm like a speed freak and start putting on my boxers, my jeans. 60 seconds. Then my t-shirt. 45 seconds he says calmly. I see my socks and realize I won't have time. I stuff them into my pocket. 30 seconds. I put on my other shirt, a button down and get a few buttons in. 15 seconds. I slide into my sneakers as fast as possible. 10 seconds. I search for my glasses and realize they are on my FUCKIN FACE already. 5 seconds. I dash out of the room and close the door behind me.

I head to the elevator and evaluate my attire. I'm a bit of a wreck but I look passable. I wait for the elevator and get in. I start to check for my phone but realize before I start tweeting or Facebooking, I should get out of Dodge as quickly as fuckin possible. I exit the elevator, the light from the bright lobby is a sight. Normal people, doing normal things. I scan the people's faces, looking for a clue on what may happen next. It's a normal world. I make my way out into the street and head east. I look behind me a few times because remember, that's one of my fuckin rules. There is some remnant sun, but as I'm a block away from the hotel, I realize that's it. It's over.

I am a survivor.

The Aftermath

2 blocks down I see a stoop and put my socks on. It must be quite a sight from the looks of passerbys like I had just come from a close encounter in a Lifetime movie of the week. I find a nice park and do what I always do, take notes. And I start to Facebook and Tweet. Here is that first tweet.



I write on the jaded viewer Facebook page:

A review is coming for Blackout Haunted House's Spring Haunt. Yes it was as fucked up as advertised and lives up to it's reputation of being a fully interactive horror scene incarnate . It was innovative but had its flaws as well. Clearly, I will never tell my grandchildren about what happened last Saturday.

Later on, I  meet up with The Raven and the Black Cat and another fellow survivor for some much needed alcohol. We compare notes. We start discussing what we liked and what we disliked. It's much needed therapy from an exhausting yet oddly stimulating Saturday night.

Final Thoughts

Blackout Haunted House 2012 Spring edition is best described as a sequel with more extreme torture, more extreme nudity and more WTF. They definitely do put the FUCK in WTF. It's an experience that tests your boundaries. Are you willing to pass a line of no return? Can you give yourself up for less than an hour to Josh and Kris (creators of Blackout) and his crew and have them mindfuck you? That's the question I've always asked myself and the answer is yes. Because when will you ever have the opportunity to participate in a bit of theater, a bit of a horror movie designed around you and where normalcy gets thrown out the window.

Sure it's fake, sure it's make believe but your mind will play tricks on you and start to blend fantasy with reality. It's your 15 minutes and for a few depraved like myself, it's an outlet to role play. Answering mysterious phone calls, following instructions, going to spooky hotels. It's horror fantasy camp for adults.

What it lacked is what I've always complained about in the last Blackout haunts. The lack of story. I thought I paid to follow a narrative and I like piecing a story together. No such luck here.The haunt can be best categorized into 4 different sections.

1.) The Streets
2.)  Hotel Room Blackout Games
3.) Bathroom Speed Dating
4.) The Human Burrito

All of these are separate entities in itself and all together form no coherent story. The cat and mouse of the streets was fun and exciting. The darkness of the hotel room games was a rush into Paranormal Activity chills and supernatural craziness. The bathroom's get to know each other had elements of a frantic horror scene gone porno. And well for the Human Burrito, it's home invasion madness meets a Euro-trash/HK Category III slasher flick. Each section had some level of excitement but put together they didn't form Voltron. And at the end of the day, don't you wanna see Voltron instead of those damn fuckin Lions?

I proposed scenarios of a kidnapping/ransom plot which could have sorta tied everything together. Another idea rumbling around my head would be seeing the person who was ahead of you in the haunt  be violated. Seeing what happened to them might make me slightly disturbed. If I'm interacting, making choices and pushing the scene along, like a video game character...I want to know WHY I'm doing all this. But Josh has always said, the narrative gets thrown out in these things. It isn't Shakespeare but taking the mold of a situation and playing on the fear of it all is how it works. I understand that point. I experienced that point as well.

But a story doesn't hurt.

I can't help but compare with what I experienced last year. Be it partly because it was my first Spring haunt and the scenarios played out like nothing I was expecting, it felt more awesomer. All my senses were amplified in a way that brought about a real tangible fear.What last year lacked was a sense of claustrophobia-ness. However, this year the hotel room added that. The actors gave a level of intensity that mimicked a unseen mastermind, directing the action from the comfort of a surveillance room. A sorta rich man's game with a degree in psychological torture.  The bathroom woman had a seemingly exhaustive endeavor to create a sense of false security. Clearly it worked on me, her performance was on point (pun intended).

I enjoyed the world I inhabited a couple of Saturdays ago. I get an adrenaline rush NOT KNOWING what may happen. Blackout has always developed situations that get the maximum emotional effect. Their brilliance is in their simplicity. They push the boundaries of what a haunted house is suppose to be. They have a working Horror Fantasy Club, talked about in the shadows of Internet message boards and cryptic Facebook comments. Grown in NYC, the legend of Blackout now has no borders. It's a product of a society looking for an escape. It is why it works on so many levels. It is why I keep going back. It's an addiction like no other.

In this 9 to 5 world of America, we sit in a world complacent and safe. Like in David Fincher's The Game, we need to feel alive, to experience the rawest emotions, the situations that test your resolve. We need a Consumer Recreational Service (CRS) for the millennium age.

Blackout has answered the call.

Check out my past reviews and for more info on Blackout Haunted House check out the links below.

• Walkthrough/Spoilers of Blackout Haunted House (2011) 
• Review of Blackout Haunted House (2011) 
• Walkthrough/Spoilers Review of Blackout Haunted House (Spring Edition 2011)
• Review of NYC Halloween Haunted House (2010)
• Walkthrough/Spoiler of Blackout Haunted House (2010)
• Official Site
• Facebook Page

Check out my review of Blackout Haunted House 2012!

Would you have participated in Blackout's world of torturous party games? Sound off my fellow jaded viewers.

Categories: blackout, blackout haunted house, gratuitous nudity, haunted house, new york city, nudity, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, nyc horror, vortex theater

5 Lesser Known Presidential Monster Hunters

 

Oh sure you know the Abraham Lincoln legend.The Vampire Hunter president. 44 presidents and he gets all the fame for staking vamps and preventing an apocalypse. But let's not forget these other lesser known legendary presidents who battled the supernatural from the Oval Office.

5.)  John Adams/Johny Quincy Adams: Leprechaun Hunters

Father and son took on the menace of killer leprechauns who looked to bankrupt America.

4.) Benjamin Harrison: Troll Hunter

Post civil war president Harrison took a rag tag group of former Union and Confederates soldiers and battled trolls in Colorado

3.) Chester A. Arthur: Sea Monster Hunter

Arthur made new steel war ships in order to battle the ongoing threat of sea monsters threatening the east coast of the US....and he did it victoriously.

2.) Harry S. Truman: Nazi Zombie Hunter

After WWII, Truman had to battle the new threat. Nazi zombies. Defeating a zombie SS army by zombie Hitler, Truman made sure the Nazis were gone for good.

1.) John F. Kennedy: Succubi Killer

Kennedy had to battle the evil but beautiful succubi in all it's forms, seducing them as they seduced him. If it were not for Kennedy, the queen of the succubi, Marilyn would have destroyed us all.

Are you now educated by these other presidential American heroes? Good. See Lincoln wasn't the only one.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, nazi zombies, presidents, succubi, the troll hunter, vampires

5 Things I Learned from Cannibal Movies

With all this talk of Eli Roth's The Green Inferno, the cannibal movie is poised to make a comeback. I mean we haven't seen an awesome full native vs white man cannibal movie since the 80s. We've seen cannibal parodies and Bruno Mattei flicks. Hopefully Eli Roth will stick to the formula that have made Deodato and Lenzi horror household names. In a nutshell the white man must pay for trying to civilize the uncivilized.

When will they ever listen?

But what have we learned from the best cannibal movies of all time?

1.) The white man thinks he knows it all

When will the white man learn he can't control the cannibal natives. Be it for TV ratings or brainwashing the population, shit always hits the fan. Leave the poor blue smurfs alone (sorry wrong movie). All your technology doesn't mean shit when you got an arrow in the knee.

2.) Brains, Eyeballs and intenstines are fuckin tasty

Don't judge the natives because they like eating human sushi.

3.) The natives win because they have home court advantage

Civilized people don't know shit about the jungle. Can they swing through trees? Fuck no. Do they know the shortcuts to the river? Hell no. Natives know everything. You can run but no way can you hide.

4.) Documentary filmmakers have short life spans

It doesn't even have to be death by cannibals. I can only imagine the malaria, flesh eating virus and other fatal things that one can get in the jungle.

5.) When you see a body with a fuckin pole through somebody's mouth, it's time to fuckin leave

I mean it's common sense.

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Do you have others? Chime in below! What do you think about Eli Roth's new movie? Will it live up to Holocause, Ferox?

Categories: cannibal ferox, cannibal films, cannibal holocaust, cannibal scalping, cannibals, eli roth, exploitation film, jungle holocaust, top 5 cannibal movies

Japan's Suicide Forest is IRL scarier than anything that has ever come out of Japan

Insano Steve sent me this little Vice documentary on YouTube during work hours which I watched in it's entirety in one sitting. Truly fascinating stuff in a weird, morbid way. I had heard about Japan's infamous Aokigahara forest and did a bit of research myself and found the most disturbing pictures which you can find here. There are more graphic photos just by Googling.

The documentary is fascinating in it's tale. According to the description via Vice:

The site holds so many bodies that the Yakuza pays homeless people to sneak into the forest and rob the corpses.

Clearly this must have been the inspiration for Ryûhei Kitamura's Versus as convicts escape to a forest full of Yakuza zombies and do battle.

Other Japanese movies (some by Takashi Miike) have shown bullying in Japan is catastrophic more than it is in America. What's baffling is the men and women who've taken their lives were inspired by a the novel Kuroi Jukai, in which a young lover commits suicide in the forest which resulted in people started taking their own lives there at a rate of 50 to 100 deaths a year.

We'll never know why one does the unthinkable but the remnants of these lives in haunting pictures will without a doubt leave a lasting impact.

In the doc, they visit the forest in the day and I must admit, I'd be scared shitless to do that. What's more scarier are the ribbon trails so people wouldn't get lost. Would you follow a ribbon to the end?

If I ever visit Japan, I know one place where I'm NOT GOING. Such a peaceful place to have a horrible reputation.

You can watch entire documentary below.






Let me know your thoughts!

Categories: documentary, japanese, japanese bullying, japanese horror, suicide, suicide circle

This one time at horror camp.....

I recently read this article on Cracked.com entitled 5 Geek Fantasies You Won't Believe You Can Buy and the horror fantasy camps seem mega cool. Experiencing a zombie apocalypse at a mall? Yes please. Experience a marathon run with zombies chasing you. I'll take an order of that. But that's just PG-13 stuff. Because every spring in NYC, horror camp takes a turn for the WTF when Blackout Haunted House invites you to partake in it's invite only spring haunt. A few select men and women will go through this madness ALONE and for 45 minutes not know what the hell may happen.

I of course am now a veteran of it all. I've been to the last 2 Halloween haunts and survived last year's spring haunt. But they change it up from year to year. It's never the same and creators Josh Randall and Kris Thor revel in the fact they can amp it up into more fucked up extreeminess.

Running from zombies and shooting zombies with NERF air guns seems pale in comparison to the devlish deviousness of this haunt. It's horror camp for adults and it's paying to be Joe Horror Victim #1. The fact there is a safety word to end the experience says it all.

I'm scheduled to attend Saturday evening on May 19th while my fellow Survivors are scattered throughout the weekend. There is now even a support group on Facebook for all of us. Clearly, we all know what we signed up for.

But for the lucky few, going to horror camp is a once in a lifetime event. I retell my story in a disoriented way stating "this one time at this haunted house..." and get the most puzzled looks. For all the veterans, have fun. For all the noobs, it's time you horror camp up. Safety isn't an option.

If you're in NYC, you might want to try it no? Here is what they wrote in one of their most recent e-mails.

Although more regular off-season events will begin to take place starting the first weekend of June, this is the only time this year that we will be offering this specific event.  We suppose you should consider yourselves lucky, but who are we to force anything on you.
Would you try your luck at horror camp?

Want to know what the deal is? Check out the reviews and walkthroughs below.

Blackout Haunted House Linkage

• The official site
• Like Blackout Haunted House on Facebook
• Like the NYC Halloween Haunted House on Facebook
• Follow on Twitter  

Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House (2011)
• Blackout Haunted House (Spring - 2011)
• Blackout Haunted House (2010)

Categories: blackout, blackout haunted house, halloween, haunted house, new york city, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house

Watch The Taint Right Now Online!

Director Drew Bolduc has informed me his awesome flick The Taint (see full review here) is now available for FREE this week. It really is one fucked up crazy flick. As I wrote in my review....


If you're inner gorehound needs to be fed and if you're inner misogynist needs to be jerked off I highly recommend The Taint. You won't be disappointed by this throwback 80s splatterfest.

 Watch the film below and be mesmerized by exploding dicks!





 The Taint (Full Movie) from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.

Categories: 2010 horror movies, cheesy, exploitation, exploitation film, gore, indie horror, splatter, splatter gore, the taint, top splatter movies, troma films

10 Things from 70s Times Square that exploitation movies need to bring back

Exploitation and grindhouse movies these days are no longer that exploitative. Sure Tarantino and Rodriguez can call their movie Grindhouse, but somehow if I'm not offended by it, it's not really exploitation. Planet Terror, Death Proof, Machete and Hobo with a Shotgun are all solid flicks but these as you would expect are sanitized Hollywood flicks for the masses.

70s Times Square could care less about the masses. They catered to the guy with the fedora, large sunglasses and trench coat. The true grindhouse films wanted to shock the shit out of you for 70 or so minutes. Bad dubbing, recut and edited foriegn flicks, and retitled films were the standard. But you'd have a wide selection of the WTF and outrageous. Movies that would offend you, test your limits and obliterate your tolerance for the absurd.

Clearly we've all grown up from our 70s scumminess and we'd hope to be a more tolerant and equal society. But a tiny part of me wants to see some exploitative absurdity, something that goes waaaay extreme that you can't believe what you just saw. A millennial Pink Flamingos if you will. 

Will we ever see any of these things/subjects ever made into a feature to call themselves real exploitation?

1.) Super duper racist films

Fight for your Life was completely nuts. Thing about this plot. 3 escaped inmates, a white trash redneck, a Mexican and an Asian violently assault a black minister. You've offended every race in America in one movie. Movies like Goodbye Uncle Tom supposedly cashed in on the blaxploitation craze but 70s grindhouse cashed in by being so offensive, you'd think a race riot would happen in the theater.


2.) Sexually violent deviousness

Ahhh clearly the 70s grindhouse could care less for women. Boobs, butts and skin all to be killed off in horrific fashion. I think of the ridiculousness of Patrick, a movie about a comatose man with psychic powers uses them to manipulate a hot nurse. The kills were wickedly hypnotizing and spawned an even more sexually violent sequel from Italy!

3.) Midgets and Freaks

Have you seen the movie Freaks? It was made in 1932 and starred actual midgets and freaks. Clearly we have to be PC about our little people and visually challenged these days. But the ironic part is this film is actually pretty good, shows them as normal people and featured a part of our society that would have been ignored.

4.) Pimps and Hookers (in Atlantic City)

The only time you see pimps and hookers is on HBO's AC Hookers. Oh what fascinating lives these two groups lead and somehow, yes somehow this could be exploited into some awesome movies if you think of it.

5.) Cannibals a Go Go

It's not like there are anymore cannibal tribes in the world anymore right? Right? I mean even if you stereotyped some tribe to be killer cannibals, it's not like they'd actually see the flick. It's the genre I miss the most. Devil white man gets comeuppance for trying to civilize the savages. It's the formula with a message and the gore.

6.) Mondo Schmondo

 Have you seen the footage of Filipinos crucifying themselves on Easter Sunday? No? Then YouTube it. This shit still happens. All countries still have some crazy, wacky rituals and I don't think we've seen them all.

7.) Experimental Surrealistic Nonsense

We all need a little Alejandro Jodorowsky in our lives.

8.) Something Japanese

Rule 34. If you've thought of something so fucked up, so nasty and so disgusting, chances are the Japanese have made a movie about it.

9.) Slashers who are plain old crazy

Luther the Geek was a movie about a carnival freak who bit the heads off chickens and drinks their blood. He then proceeds to kill random people while clucking. We need more films like this.

10.) The New Christina Lindberg

We need a movie where a girl next door vixen gets violated and then goes all revenge served cold. This is an untapped genre begging and pleading to resurface.

What 70s/80s subgenres from the olden days do you miss? Will we ever see any of these highly offensive subgenres/topics/things ever made in the Hollywood machine or the indie underground?

Chime in!

Categories: 70s grindhouse, Alejandro Jodorowsky films, blaxploitation, cannibal films, christina lindberg, exploitation, japanese exploitation, luther the geek, slasher films, times square

Film School 101: Analyzing a film student's vintage 90s short film

When you start working at a new job, you have no idea who your new coworkers are. They could be vigilante's at night for all you know or weekend serial killers. But the more I learned about my new coworker, the more things start being revealed. So one day during an early morning case of slacking he revealed he was an actor in a short film while in college. Having directed me to the YouTube link, I got to watch this entire short while eating a delicious salad. In what may have been the best lunch time viewing since I started this job, I witnessed a short film that had me on the fuckin floor.

Yes fellow jaded viewers, it's called "A Fall from Grace". And it's so horribly bad that it's fuckin awesome. It makes The Room look like Citizen Kane. It makes Birdemic look like The Birds. This short has elements of all that is perfect in this millennial age. It's vintage 90s (or it maybe circa early 2000s I actually have no idea so I'm gonna say late 90s), its made my college film students and it utilizes the now archaic Internet communication of the time (it's AOL Instant Messenger!).

Now you to can witness this masterpiece of cinema and get those warm nostalgia fuzzies of 90s filmmaking. I too participated in a few college produced horror shorts when I was at school and I have no idea what's happened to the footage. But my coworker has his live on YouTube, where I will help to make it go viral and establish it as the next found footage brilliance. Is this the next Tommy Wiseau Room-ish cult phenomenon?

You decide. Check out my analysis while you watch. Enjoy.

 


  

Here is a running log of my thoughts.

0:01: Cue 90s soundtrack

1:30: It's the establishing shot footage. Vintage Kevin Smith filmmaking!

1:55: It's random slo mo effects!

2:05: Note to self. Be careful of random guy asking to sit next to you in a room full of empty seats.

2:20: Dan and Ned are going to be BFFs 4 life......

2:28: Ummm that's some weird shit to say 5 seconds into meeting his new friend.

2:45: The dialogue here is absolutely brilliant. What kind of man are you? Huh Ned? Fuckin pussy Ned.

2:52: Screename!

2:59: Look at that face. Would you trust that guy?

3:43: Beware of screenames that start with "Cute". They be "spam bots".

3:45: Cue Green Day....

3:50: IM-ing was the Facebook of the 90s. I remember I would have warn wars with my friends back in the dot com days. Ring!

4:08: There is nothing that compares to the action scenes of somebody typing on screen and IM-ing somebody. Fuckin exciting!

4:28: That laptop had 128 MB of RAM and a a Pentium II processor. It's like it's from the future.

4:45: Random Kinkos product placement!

5:00: Best line of the short: "Don't fuck this up" God bless Dan and is overall douchebaginess.

5:22: Oh damn did somebody just fuck up? 

5:25: There is nothing wrong with one dude giving another dude a card. Remember this was the 90s.

6:28: 90s sped up date montage! You can smell the awkwardness!

6:45: You know what's fun for a first date? Sliding on ice and almost cracking your skull.

7:37: In the 90s, you didn't go eat when you went on a date.

7:47: A kiss on the cheek was like 3rd base in the 90s.

8:13: OH SHIT!!! MOTHERFUCKIN TWIST!

8:40: Ominous note footage equals you got played Ned.

9:15: Oh here we go again. Damn you Dan/Mike!

So what did you think? My coworker tells me he was in more shorts so the search continues to find them.

This is the funniest "it's so bad, it's good" shorts I've seen in a while. It must be enjoyed by all. 

Damn you Dan! Damn you!

Categories: 1980 cult classic, 1990s, cult classic, horror short, short, short film, the shortround, viral links

The WTF List: Scream 4

Well it took me a year later and I finally watched the meta first master at work, Wes Craven. Yes folks, I watched Scream 4. I'm well aware that New Nightmare is the one of the ones that started it all and so I give the man his due. But clearly I'm in a Cabin in the Woods state of mind and having seen that beaut of a flick before Scream 4 has warped my tiny little horror mind.

Here's a few tweets I shelled out while watching.

@jadedviewer Watching scream 4. It's amazing there hasn't been product placement from Verizon claiming excellent 4g coverage in woodsboro

@jadedviewer Chromeskull should be asking for royalties from scream 4.

@jadedviewer The thing about scream 4 is even though the characters are knowledgeable of horror flks they still follow the conventions. It's meta to a pt

That last tweet sums up what I kinda thought. But here's a WTF List to add to it all.

1.) The intros were quite catchy I must admit. Though I love my bimbos blonde and perky
2.) I can't believe they brought back the originals....kudos.
3.)  I can honestly predict the killers in the first 15 min. I'm fuckin uncanny X-Men with a lame super power.
4.) I hope one day Emma Roberts does Pretty Woman 2
5.) Hayden Panettiere's mandatory wardrobe in any movie or TV show should be a cheerleader's outfit
6.) I guess I'm getting tired of the movie within a movie references...that or I'm old
7.) Have all the noobs seen the original trilogy?
8.) Clearly they are pointing out the fact the hatred of the American horror remake system. Oh Dimension, you are so fuckin guilty yourself
9.) Thank goodness for these films or Neve Campbell would be at the tent at Chiller Theatre in NJ
10.) The movie cop ineptness is a thankless job. It's hard to this stupid.
11.) This clearly had the best phone coverage of any horror movie I've ever seen. No dropped calls!
12.) They still have cinema clubs in high school?
13.) I'll admit, I've never seen Peeping Tom.
14.) The knife still looks fake (pun intended)
15.) The end monologue and motivation from the killer is daftly clever. It's scary in a way that makes you think.
16.) The victim fodder still do the most horror cliche-eey things. Alison Brie doesn't stay in her car? Call 911? Though her chest jiggling makes me happy
17.)  I'm thinking the Ghostface outfit isn't the most comfortable slasher uniform.
18.) I know millennials watch the horror classics I grew up watching and laugh at them.
19.) The horror trivia had me SMH.
20.) Scream 4 is part meta, part remake zingers

Scream 4 wasn't bad. I actually liked it and I had no doubt Craven/Williamson would make a film worthy of the name. It's a repackaged, re imagining of the original and it made me smile for it's witty self awareness. But all in all, it's a sequel and I've come to accept what this franchise is.

I always thought Billy's line was brilliant.

"...don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!"

 Actually, that's not the case anymore. It seems in Scream 4, it makes them copy the original.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, hollywood remake, horror remakes, meta horror movies, scream 4, wes craven

The Cabin in the Woods (Review)

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Directed by Drew Goddard
Written by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon

The Cabin in the Woods was suppose to come out on February 5th 2010. It didn't. The poster and trailer were released December of last year. We had to wait 2+ years for this to come out. As a hoarder and fanboy of all that is Whedon, I was getting annoyed and was losing any hope that this movie was ever going to be released. They delayed it to 3D it. Joss and Drew cried foul. Would we ever see this???

And yes we all would. But as April 13th approached, I knew Cabin would be my must see movie of the year. I was having Whedon withdrawal and even though he was giving us Avengers, it was mainstream Joss. With CITW, we were getting vintage Joss. Teamed with Drew Goddard (a Buffy/Angel alum writer/director) we were going to get the answer to that age old question...

"What would happen if Joss Whedon (and Drew Goddard) wrote a horror movie?"

And beyond my wildest expectations, The Cabin in the Woods is the best horror movie of 2012. To go even further, it probably is the best horror comedy of the last 10 years. My fellow jaded viewers, CITW is better than Scream (sorry Wes) and all its bastard children. Tucker and Dale vs Evil hinted towards a meta aware horror comedy but CITW goes lights years beyond that.

Simply and concisely summarized, Cabin is a meta self aware revolutionary horror comedy that takes those structured horror cliches, be it the stereotypical characters, the irrational choices, the set direction and the mythos and goes all man behind the curtain on it. Joss and Drew go all Wizard of Oz-ing on the horror genre and it's so brilliant, so awesome and so fucking clever you will leave the theater in a state of pure happy happy joy joy bliss and understand why #CabinintheWoodsisEPIC was trending on Twitter.

It's a horror reference machine, sending you cameos, trends and cliches a mile a minute and it asks you to get it. Do you get it? Do you understand the parody of what you're seeing? You don't? Then go ask somebody. Go watch the Universal classics, the slasher franchises, the Kubrick masterpiece. Then you'll understand why Cabin is going to spawn it's own genre and some bastard children of it's own.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Of course, the movie is about 5 friends who go to a cabin in the woods. But in the opening scene (in classic Whedon fashion) the twist which is SUPPOSE to be in the middle of the film is the one that starts you off. Any way of plot points and spoilers will ruin the movie for you so I will now not mention much of it (like CTK @ Planet of Terror did in his review). What I will do is answer my standard Q&A when I review a slasher film (because I'm jack full of spaz tuna) and also go in a bonus round, let's cyberchat in the comments. Go, go gadget Q&A!

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check...and it has so much more that I'm getting giddy and a horror boner talking about it.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Check. Rated R motherfucker. They're real and they're spectacular.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. A blonde bimbo slut, a stoner "fool", the dumb jock, the smart guy and your standard prepackaged final "virgin" girl. Oh how you will howl with laughter at Fran Kranz's performance as Marty, the stoner. He spews Whedon-logue as good as Xander Harris.

4.) No Plot?

It's really a trick question as of course there is a plot and it's fuckin awesome. When you drank a can of New Coke, you know it's just a version of the original formula. Oh how I love the original formula. Classic Coke with a twist of sassy.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. You will yell out in delight and make a mess in your pants. You will see a lot of fanboy O faces.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. There are LOL scenes of WTF by the various "things". The blood and splatter are top notch. Lots of everything I said above with a point that may impale your brain. Hint hint.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends the hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Wow. Joss get out of my head. This describes our stoner Marty to a tee. Though the legend is more of the "Here is what the fuck is going on" to his friends and the audience. Marty is using is sight beyond sight. That's the real power of weed.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. The Whedonesque dialogue complete with Buffy speak is as always fuckin brilliant. Sure, "teenagers" are spewing dialogue written by 30 and 40 somethings but it has always worked when done by the Whedon players. The jokes are spot on timely and hilariously LOL. The play on words and reverse logic make it all the more fun. It's dialogue and conversation that is probably written in a conventional way and then Whedon-ized to make it funny. Remember, Joss actually talks like this.

9.) Gratuitous cameos of horror legends (a famous man of the box, classic Universal monsters, Kubrick tweens) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check. SPOILER ALERT!!! This link here will give you all the info you need.

9a.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check. But it's the final girl we see at the end playing "Le Director" that you'll be cheering for.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Actually...well.....ummm....no?

************************************************************

The Cabin in the Woods will be remembered as a game changer in the world of horror. It's a horror movie within the making of a horror movie. The Whedon elements are pure mythological magic, where he introduces something new to an audience that has long forgotten or chosen to forget why we all love the horror genre.

Goddard and Whedon break down into the slasher formula and ask the questions we've all asked before, during and after the movie. We've always questioned character motivations, absurd coincidences, elaborate backstory and heroic save the day moments but never has it been put in a movie so brilliantly and with such style and and LOL zingers.

A new generation of millennials has now been introduced us to the topsy turvy world of Hellmouth 101.

Nude-ipedia

A spectacular pair of mangoes

Gore-ipedia

Mucho slaughter via slasher weaponry
Mucho victim fodder via various slasher methodology

WTF moment

SPOILER ALERT!!! (scroll over to see)
----> (I'll never see unicorns the same again)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Cabin in the Woods is clearly the film to beat as best horror movie of 2012. So many Buffy/Angel/Dollhouse alum I was oozing Whedonesque Fanboy-isms like a motherfucker. Everybody go see this movie. NOW. Drop what you're doing and see it now. Why are you still reading this?

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, buffy the vampire slayer, cabin in the woods, dollhouse, joss whedon, vampires, whedonesque, zombies

Jean Claude Van Damme is back (sorta) in Dragon Eyes (Trailer)

The logo of this blog will always be loved here at the jaded viewer. And as such, I've always kept you up to date on what's been going on with our favorite Belgian action star. From his last movie, Assassination Games (see review here) to his reality show, I'm always keeping tabs on the Muscles from Brussels. So having discovered the trailer for his latest movie (nope not The Expendables 2) I figured you all needed to know what's the what with JCVD.

Here is the trailer for Dragon Eyes which also stars world class martial artist Cung Lee. Seems JCVD is making Cung Lee do all the work as he plays mentor Tiano. Here be the plot:

In St. Jude, drug dealers and corrupt cops have destroyed an urban neighborhood. But newcomer, Hong, has the fighting skills and moral vision to save this town from itself.

As we all wait for The Expendables 2 (oddly JCVD plays "Jean Vilain") Really? How original!
He's got a few other films lined up. "Welcome to the Jungle" is a comedy starring his two kids (yup they're back) and he sports one hell of a porno-ey mustache.

Jean Claude says Hi from Puerto Rico.



And his final film is completely out of left field. We got into sci fi territory and he will be in a movie called U.F.O. Here be the plot.

Five young people realise one fine morning they are robbed of functioning mobile phones, radio and electricity. While they try to escape this situation on foot, they happen to see a huge flying saucer. Soon the civilisation as we know it starts to break down and the five friends find themselves in the middle of an anarchic turmoil.

You gotta admit, he's really hitting all the different genres and it all might turn out to be awesome. If I get to see a spinkick, that'll make my day.

Dim mak!

Categories: action cinema, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, kung fu, martial arts, van damme

The Raid Redemption (Review)

The Raid: Redemption

The Raid: Redemption (2012)

Directed by Gareth Evans

After seeing The Raid, I tweeted this:

@TheRaidUS is the equivalent of seeing a 100 car pile up, head on collisions and fiery mushroom cloud explosions. It's fuckin awesome

It's rare to see an action movie that says, fuck the characters and the plot! We're not going to waste time developing our characters or explaining the plot. Instead, we're going to give you non stop action for well over 100 minutes and it's going to be some of the most insane stuff you have seen in a while.

Remember when you first mesmerized by Tony Jaa in Ong Bak? Well The Raid is Ong Bak on fuckin steroids and fully armed with nuclear explosives. It's bar none the best action movie I've seen in the past decade.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The plot is simple. SWAT Team are told they have to take out a ruthless crime lord in an old tenement building. The building is heavily guarded by 1-800 Henchmen and house lowlifes, thugs, addicts and pieces of shit. It also has a few good Samaritans who our remaining cops will meet later. All you need to know is humans with lady parts are at a minimum. You're going to see glorious violence in a Just Dance choreography that is pure awesomeness.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I said it would revolutionize the action movie and I wasn't wrong. You may not know the name Iko Uwais but you will after seeing The Raid. Move over Tony Jaa, your 15 minutes are up. I first saw Uwais in Merantau, Gareth Evans first flick featuring Silat Harimau the Indonesian martial art. I'll admit, it had some stellar action scenes but it was full of boring drab plot and story and had staged action scenes that seem to appear out of nowhere.

But The Raid is floor after floor of non stop Silat in closed quarters, rooms with many breakable objects and ferocity of throwing your enemy against the wall numerous times. Uwais is a skilled tactician playing our hero cop and the synchronized ballet of Silat on Silat violence via endless henchmen are a sight you won't fuckin forget.

The man who steals the show however is Yayan Ruhian who plays Mad Dog. Dude is like the Nate Robinson of the film. He's barely 5'8 from the looks of it but his Silat skills are fuckin stellar. In the penultimate scene, he battles Uwais and his "partner" in well over 15 minutes display of kicks, blocks, punches, blocks and gallery of lightning quick Silat-o-pedia of moves.

And don't get me started by the point blank violence. Holy fuckin shit. Here are things I've never seen before:

• Execution of 4 men via point blank gunshots to the head (and one via hammer)
• Silat battle ending in multiple gunshots to the face
• Machete wielding fight scene
• Rude Awakening neck breakers

I mean check this scene out.

This is a badass flick that destroys all semblance of what action porn should be. It defies the genre by be unrelenting and ferocious. It doesn't apologize, it says FUCK YOU and gives you more of what you want. It has moments of pure suspense and anxiety then delivers one screaming kick after the other.

The Raid Redemption is the one action movie you need to see this year. Gone is Thai action. Indonesia is the king of action and Gareth Evans and Iko Uwais are sitting on the throne.

Nude-ipedia

Puhlease.

Gore-ipedia

Mucho gun trauma
Mucho broken bones trauma
Mucho head, arms, legs trauma

WTF moment

Uwais takes on EVERYBODY!!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Raid is out now in limited theaters. It's a must see, no ifs or ands about it. It's the pinnacle of the modern day action flick. It's why it's getting a release here. The Raid may have been overshadowed by that movie with kids killing kids, but leave it up to the adults to give us grown up violence.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: action cinema, bloody violence, crime thriller, gore, guns, indonesia action movie, kung fu, martial arts, merantau, merantau trailer, splatter, the raid redemption

EXCLUSIVE: FEARnet has a new reality show The Fear Club and I'm in it!!!

I've been giddy for a week now as I've wanted to share with you my big news. As you all know FEARnet is about to premiere Holliston, their new scripted original series starring Adam Green and Joe Lynch. But what you don't know is they are about to announce a new show called The Fear Club and I've been cast as one of the contestants in the pilot episode!

It's unfuckinbelievable! I'm crazy excited. I'm going to have to brush up on my horror trivia and knowledge in the next few weeks. I think I'll be able to handle everything they throw at me but foremost I wanna represent the horror blogosphere! Fuck yeah. I don't want to be one of those retarded reality contestants that's dumb as shit. I wanna show they picked someone who knows what's the what. Horror blogosphere.....represent!

Here's the press release so you know what the deal is. It should be released in the next few days.

****************************************************************

Cable's premiere horror destination, FEARnet television breaks into the reality TV genre with “The Fear Club”. 3 lucky horror fans every week will have the opportunity to test their knowledge, skills and love of horror movies in a competition that will push them to their limits.

“The Fear Club,” FEARnet’s first original reality show will visit famous horror movie landmarks and real haunted locations where contestants will have to perform stunts, answer trivia and face their worst fears. Executive Producer George Hitchens describes it as “The Amazing Race” meets "Fear Factor”. "We're going to put these diehard horror fans in situations they've never been in before" says Hitchens.

The series will feature 3 horror fans plucked from across America and sent to famous horror movie landmarks as well as real life locations known for their paranormal activity. After a series of tasks, trivia questions and a final stunt, the last survivor will win a cash reward and be featured as a FEARnet blogger on FEARnet.com.

Stay tuned for more announcements to come. For more information, head to FEARnet.com.

****************************************************************

I've been told that one of the contestants is from Los Angeles and works as a special effects designer. The other is from Austin and is a college student. My bio is I am a freelance writer for various movie and TV websites.

I was sent an e-mail from FEARnet as it looks like they were scoping out horror bloggers specifically. I had to fill out a questionnaire and film myself in a 15 minute video describing why I'd make a good contestant. After a phone interview, I went to a casting call in NYC, answered a few questions, did some role playing and met the producers and staff. A few days ago I got a call that I was cast.

Crazy right? I don't know what to expect but I'm going to be sure to let you know how it all plays out. I'll be tweeting and updating the jaded viewer Facebook page when they fly me out to wherever I'll be going. I've got a big contract I gotta read up and sign their waiver forms. I think I really should read the fine print just to make sure they don't bury me alive or some shit.

I'm not a fan of claustrophobia. Make sure to watch when it premieres!

















***The Fine Print***

Did you read that entire post? You did? Wow that's awesome. Isn't this going to be awesome? Are you going to watch? No? Fuck you. But you should know one thing. April Fool's!!!! Hahahahaha. ! Did I fool you? C'mon you should have known what today is. Thanks for playing!

Categories: fearnet, jadedviewer.com, reality tv satire, the jaded viewer, tv shows

5 Semi Unknown Actresses about to blow the fuck up

Well I needed an excuse to post pictures of Katrina Bowden. So I decided to make up this post. You probably know who all these actresses are but Ms. Moretz has been making the news since the Carrie announcement and some people didn't know she was Hit Girl in Kick Ass. It would be easy to feature Jennifer Lawrence but you know me, I dig the actresses that are semi under the radar. Clearly these actresses need more exposure so here you go.



5.) Olivia Thirlby: Yup, you've seen her in Juno, but she was in The Darkest Hour and in the Dredd remake. I clearly see her doing the indie thing but a path similar to Amanda Seyfried isn't out of the question.



4.) Jamie Chung: She did the horror thing with Sorority Row but hit the mainstream radar with Hangover 2 and Sucker Punch. She's going to go all dramatic in Eden but I can't wait to see her star with JGL in Premium Rush. Oh yeah she's in Shimizu's 7500. Her hotness is bound to turn heads but I see performance gold as well.


3.) Katrina Bowden: Sure she's been on 30 Rock, but it was her performance in Tucker and Dale vs Evil that made me notice Katrina Bowden. She's in American Reunion as well and we hit the jackpot because we all know she's in Piranha 3DD. That means there is 100% confirmation she will be in a bikini.


2.) Juno Temple: She's probably the most relative unknown of the 5, but she's been in a lot of shit according to her IMDB. Most notably she was in Year One and The Three Musketeers. But I noticed her in Gregg Araki's Kaboom where she goes all grunty and nakedy. But her upcoming slate is full of awesomeness. She's in The Dark Knight Rises (heard of it?), Killer Joe, Lovelace and a werewolf lesbian film called Jack and Diane with Jena Malone. God damn yay.


1.) Chloe Grace Moretz: Clearly not unknown to genre fans, Chloe Moretz was our dear Hit Girl in Kick Ass. Her filmography is extensive and she technically broke out as Abby in Let Me In. But at only 15, she's damn versatile as an actress taking roles in crime dramas like Texas Killing Fields. Obviously Hugo was fuckin huge as well but I'm curious as hell to see her in Dark Shadows.

Clearly she is our new Carrie and that will make her skyrocket into the filmdom stratosphere.

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Who's on your radar actor or actress wise? What possible indie horror scream queens might be lurking as the new Jamie Lee Curtis? Chime in!

Categories: beautiful women, chloe moretz, horror hotties, jaime chung, juno, juno temple, katrina bowden, let me in, olivia thirlby, piranha 3d, sucker punch, tucker and dale vs evil