The Loved Ones (Review)

The Loved Ones

The Loved Ones (2012)

Directed by Sean Byrne

A standard horror movie runs about 90 minutes. When it runs 80 minutes you start to think "Well, it seems there were some budget concerns". But you can do a lot in 80 minutes and The Loved Ones does just that.

Released in 2009 in Australia, one can only wonder why this movie didn't get at least a theatrical release. Is it because Hollywood plans a remake? God knows they wouldn't have the balls to make it. Sean Byrne's debut film is filled with WTF moment after WTF moment, it's relentless and will make gorehounds ejaculate with glee (that's glee you perv). What it also does is pack some black humor into the mix, as the torture porn is packed with LOL bizarre moments. A "B" story also gives us some high school comedy like moments that eases our tension throughout the film.

The Loved Ones is the perfect combination of sour and sweet. One moment your seeing all  hell break bloody loose and the next you're watching the nostalgia of prom night. It's the two perspectives on a special night, one that is awkwardly normal and the other straight out of a bizarro horror world. Our protagonist Brent gets the latter and it's been a while since I openly rooted for our final guy to get his revenge served cold.

This is the movie horror fans will call a cult classic and the ones horror fans will recommend to their causal movie fan friends. Prom has always had hijinky and quirky moments. That pesky virginity has to be lost. But you also grow up on that special night. In horror terms, you survive and that's all that counts.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When Brent turns down his classmate Lola's invitation to the prom, she concocts a wildly violent plan for revenge. 

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Poor Brent. He gets a case of those sad as his father dies in a car crash as Brent who was driving avoids a figure on the road. Months later, he has an overly concerned mom and a pretty hot girlfriend Holly. He also has a horndog best friend, likes Metallica and smokes weed.

Lola has not none of that. Just a crazy fucked up dad and some finger licking good chicken.

And so begins one of the best movies of 2012. Soon Lola's obsession for Brent has her having her own personal prom with Brent, her insane dad and zombiefied mom and something in the basement. It's not going to be good times for Brent as he's going to have to endure a Hostel torture endurance challenge that would make even Eli Roth squeal. In a parallel story, Brent's BFF Jaime goes to prom with Mia (a goth chick chopped full of attitude). It's this story that gives us breathers in between Brent's unfortunate events. As his girlfriend and the sheriff search for our missing final guy, it all leads to a punch in the stomach ending.

What The Loved Ones does so effectively is not take it self so seriously. It's a horror movie no doubt but the mood is a mix of 80s John Hughes high school melo-comedy if it were on bath salts. The movie is very tight. There are no scenes that seem unnecessary. Nobody goes and talks in wild tangent monologues. We get serious bang for our buck and the ride is so demented, so fucked up and so hilariously awesome you want to say why can't all horror movies be this good.

Describing The Loved Ones, you'd easily say it's about a demented wannabe prom queen who tortures her obsession. But in a way, it's got suspense thriller written all over it. In a way, it's  kidnapping plot through and through where everybody is trying to figure out where the hell did Brent go? You want him to escape (and he does have his chances) and you want him to defend himself and somehow not get as badly damaged (but he totally gets badly fuckin damaged).

The performances are pretty dead on. Xavier Samuel plays a quiet, reserved but resilient Brent. At times he goes silent, showing the pain through serious squeamish inducing interrogation scenes. The father played by John Brumpton goes outback killer daddy. Skilled with experience on making people scream. But it's Robin McLeavy as Lola aka Princess who's decked out in a pink prom dress that steals the show. She plays the sadistic serial killer perfectly, blending in kid like happys with some black humor. Clearly insane, McLeavy does a fantastic job in bringing up fucked up bitch to a whole new level.

The Loved Ones does go into arduous scenes of Hostel territory. The slice and dice torture of Brent is masterfully executed. Armed with knives and a power drill, Lola executes her fucked up torture on a soundtrack of not being pretty enough. It's the little things that give you a glimpse of how Lola's world is like Leatherface family on steroids. Her mom has been zombified, she keeps a scrapbook of her best boy toys now dead and loves milk and chicken. It's well crafted to make you hate her so that by the end, you may want to clap at her demise.

Within here are skilled WTF moments, the craziest being what the fuck is in the basement. Also, just skilled playful scenes of a boy stuck in a tree. It's the balance of black LOL humor and horrific massacre of bodily harm that works. Because when we're not seeing Brent fucked up, we follow his BFF Jaime and his prom date Mia. It's this 80s comedy throwback of stoner boy with goth-tard chick doing teenager hi jinks that balances both story lines as we watch, then connects them at the end.

So you may ask who are the loved ones? Well it seems love comes in all form from what Byrne point of view. A father to a daughter, a mom/dad to a son, a girl to a boy, a crazy sicko girl to a boy. A boy to his dog. Clearly we must decide which relationship strikes a chord the most to us and realize love can be good or it can become the evilest thing you've ever seen. 

Whatever you may think, The Loved Ones cements what I love about horror movies. Sometimes watching over an hour of hardcore horror is way too much. Intersperse it with scenes of juvenile American Pie jokes and it lessens the eye strain. The way the Loved Ones completes its plot and story arc make it feel like you watched a damn good stand alone episode of Carrie but Australian.

We'll get our prom gone all fucked up this year when Carrie goes all telekinetic, but if you want your fix now, I highly recommend you watch The Loved Ones as soon as you can. It's as good as getting a hole in your head.

Nude-ipedia

Some steamy car sex boobs

Gore-ipedia

Lots of moments Kathryn Bigelow would be proud of

WTF moment

Finding out what was in the basement

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Loved Ones is out on DVD. Check out the official site. I really do recommend this film. It's a perfect horror film that should not have been relegated to straight to DVD status when it hit American shores last year.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, australian horror, Best Horror Movies of 2012, crime thriller, gore, indie film, indie horror, prom queen, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, top horror movies of 2012, torture porn

Watch The Taint Right Now Online!

Director Drew Bolduc has informed me his awesome flick The Taint (see full review here) is now available for FREE this week. It really is one fucked up crazy flick. As I wrote in my review....


If you're inner gorehound needs to be fed and if you're inner misogynist needs to be jerked off I highly recommend The Taint. You won't be disappointed by this throwback 80s splatterfest.

 Watch the film below and be mesmerized by exploding dicks!





 The Taint (Full Movie) from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.

Categories: 2010 horror movies, cheesy, exploitation, exploitation film, gore, indie horror, splatter, splatter gore, the taint, top splatter movies, troma films

The Summer of Massacre (Review)

The Summer of Massacre

The Summer of Massacre (2011)

Directed by Joe Castro

Well that sucked.

Back in the day, I would search out for the most fucked up, goriest, splattered fill horror movies out in the underground. I soon stumbled upon German splatter like Ittenbach's Burning Moon or Schnaas Violent Shit trilogy. I would get excited when I'd get my hands on this type of movie because I'd see unrated gore and splatter in all it's 8th generation dubbed glory.

Those movies did it old school. Old school tubes, animal intestines and red faux blood to create those effects. Sure they were balloons filled with red dye and such but it looked awesome. Well those days are long gone unfortunately.

Today we get shit like The Summer of Massacre. A movie whose sole premise is that it holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the Highest Body Count in a slasher film at 155. To get this record it fills 1 hour and 37 minutes with HORRIBLY BAD CGI KILLS. And I don't mean these were Romero like CGI, I mean this is MS Paint bad CGI. It's the equivalent of super transposed 16 bit Genesis graphics on top of the movie. Atari had better graphics than this film.

It's technically an anthology with self contained stories about a mad killer on the loose, some grotesque handicapped kid, killer father back from the dead to torment his son, camp kids killed by mutant firemen and serial killers with a nuke. It's not as cool as it sounds. Bad acting, bad makeup effects, bad stories and utterly fuckin shitty CGI kills. Sliced necks, ankles, necks, etc. Bullet would deaths. A whole level of stupid gross shit. I could list shit but honestly I don't even remember. This is pretty much the worst horror movie I've seen in the last 10 years. And trust me, I've seen a lot of bad ones.

I just can't stand movies who use CGI in their horror these days. I'm an old school guy with a throwback to the grind mentality. I'm pretty sure it's necessary at times but I like seeing the vicious realism of trauma. It's what I grew up watching and I appreciate the effort by the filmmakers when they go this route.

The Summer of Massacre is a crappy induced diarrhea mess of a film. I'd rather have my eyes gouged by hot pokers than see this film again. I'd rather be eaten alive by cannibals and shown by beating heart than see this film again. I'd rather have all my arms and legs chopped off and placed in a wooden box buried alive than see this film again.

The scary part is all those scenes are going to probably be in the sequel in really fuckin bad CGI.

Sonnuva-fuck.

Rating:
0 spinkicks

Check out the trailer below.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, breaking glass pictures, gore, indie horror, splatter, splatter gore, splatterpunk, top gore movies, underground horror

Dream Home (Review)

Dream Home

Dream Home (2011 - USA)

Directed by Ho-Cheung Pang

I take pride in watching Category III Hong Kong flicks. I loved the Anthony Wong driven The Ebola Syndrome and Dr. Lamb, video nasties that were fucked up beyond recognition. So it's been a while since I've seen a Cat 3 HK flick but having seen Dream Home litter a few best of 2011 lists, I knew I had to seek this beauty out.

And what did it do? It slaughtered a few of the other flicks from my 10 story top 10 list and moved right into the building (see what I did there?) Dream Home is an uber slasher exploitation film that not only will make inner gorehounds FAP but make the intellectual cinephile think and FAP as well. Rarely does a Cat 3 make you think. Usually you think you're gonna watch some vicious kills and see some boobies. But with a stellar performance by Josie Ho and director Ho-Cheung Pang satirizing the desire for the have nots to have at any costs, it's a tour de kill slasher film of 2011.

Dream Home does suffer with issues with realism, the kills are somewhat comic bookey and there is a serious issue with the use of flashbacks that may confuse some viewers. A subplot of affairs and pacing issues also hurts the film a bit as does the super strength of our uber killer. But all that aside, Cat 3 HK flicks have always had a bit of slapstick and oddness about them that makes them mesmerizing to watch.

Dream Home is my dream movie. Fuck yeah.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Cheng Li-sheung is a young, upwardly mobile professional finally ready to invest in her first home. But when the deal falls through, she is forced to keep her dream alive - even if it means keeping her would-be neighbors dead.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's break this down movie down by different sections of an apartment building.

The Lobby

Cheing Lai (Josie Ho) works as a telemarketer for a bank around 2007. She's a regular office drone leading a typical life (working 2 other jobs, taking care of her father and brother, being a mistress and whoring it...you know typical shit). However, she has a dream. She wants to live in an apartment looking over the ocean bay of Hong Kong. Despite her lack of funds to buy this apartment she is willing to do anything to make her dream come true.

It's not everyday a movie opens with some suffocation via plastic bag and plastic handcuff restraints. With Dream Home, you get sucked in and the movie starts to establish a pattern of Cheing Lai going to slasher school while we also get flashbacks of her life as a child which establish her motivations for what happens in the present.

The Living Room

Soon we start seeing our girl in action as she slaughters her would be neighbors all in one night. The odd part of this is I usually root for the slasher and was kinda mystified by my lack of cheering as it seems silly to kill your potential neighbors to bring the price down of an apartment. But the slaughter is magnificio! Our first kill scenes revolve around a pregnant woman who is brilliantly suffocated via suction (you gotta see this shit...fuckin crazy...see below)





....and the old reliable ocular trauma makes a cameo. But as the movie went on, Cheing Lai showed she was vulnerable, getting wounded in the midst of her battles and though we shouldn't empathize with a cold blooded killer, I was hoping she'd be OK.

Maybe it's because she's a woman but oh have Cat 3 flicks changed. Cheing Lai rivals Anthony Wong's throne of being the hardcore of hardcore slashers.

The Kitchen

I mentioned previously the movie employs ill timed flashbacks. First with Cheing Lai as a little girl whose family has to deal with being forcibly removed from their apartment by Triads working for greedy developers. Later she sees the plight of her family and the tole of her dad being sick and not being covered by health insurance.

The flashbacks show up without any notice and sometimes I got lost in where I was. Early on years were subtitled in but it's a bit confusing as one can't tell where we are with the story. I'll say the flashbacks do give you a glimpse of our slashereta's motivations of why this apartment by the sea is so important. Sure it's not justification to kill people but for a crazy insano like Cheing Lai, I guess it is.

The Bedroom

Ahh the bedroom, because that's where the good action all takes place. Cheing Lai's best kills when she home invades a group of Chinese hipsters, whores and drug dealer. The movie climaxes in the kill scenes here with a variety of creative kills ranging from intestine spillage, toilet trauma, glass beaker neck stabbings and wood to mouth Fangoria approved slaughter. And some J. Bobbitt. Because's what's a slasher movie without a penis trauma right?

It's a testament to non CGI-ness of it all. Cheing Lai also gets some luck to get out of the mess she's been in as the cops want to bust in and stop the madness. It's this ridiculousness that makes Dream Home a little fantastic. Can a dude still smoke a joint while his intestines are all over the floor? Dream Home says yes.

The Patio

With all this fuckin awesome slaughter, the movie poses a few ideas about why our mistress of slasher-dom does what she does. The movie satirizes what one is willing to do to buy her own home which in turns plays out the notion of how the housing crisis evolved. Sure Cheing Lai goes the fuckin beserk route to get the price down by the real estate agent by murdering a bunch of people in the building but in retrospect the working class, even the poor are willing to do what it takes to own their own home thus taking those shady deals from the Fannie Mays and other home brokerage companies. Should they have known better? Of course. But somebody should have told them it was wrong. These companies didn't.

As the flashbacks indicate, the HK government seemed to conspire with the mob and real estate developers to remove poor people from their homes in order to replace them with luxury high rises. It seems we can then conclude that the movie was implying that the working class wanted what was originally theirs. Cheing Lai is the embodiment of that.

The movie ends in irony and it's pretty obvious that nobody will live happily ever after. But what Dream Home establishes is a why in the midst of the chaos. The slasher genocides these people for her own selfish reasons but in a way the movie wants us to ignore that she's killed innocent people and empathize with her working class background.

Dream Home is intelligently designed to be an effective satire and an uber bloody and gory slasher which is to say, not an easy thing to do. Ho drives the movie, her performance yings to a woman who has lived harshly than yangs to her being a vicious, cold blooded motherfuckin killer.

I have not seen a HK Cat 3 movie that's left an impact this much like Dream Home. I think I've grown as a horror fan in that I'm not easily glamoured by wicked gore or spectacular splatter anymore. I expect my wickedly gory and spectacular splatter slasher flicks to say something about the world I live in.

Dream Home does just that.


Nude-ipedia

Whores show boobies
Simulated sex and BJs
I love Cat 3 nudity!

Gore-ipedia

See my descriptions above
So much awesomeness and creative kills, it should go into the Hall of Fame

WTF moment

The whore gets floor boarded

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Dream Home came out in Hong Kong in 2010 but was released in NA and EU in 2011. It's available on DVD via IFC Midnight. Rarely does one see a Cat 3 film and say that it's thought provoking. Usually I go and say that shit was hilariously fucked up. I can proudly say that it's both!

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, anthony wong, category 3, china, dream home, gore, hong kong, slasher films, slashers, slice and dice, splatter, splatter gore, top splatter movies

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (Insano Steve Review)

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who after a long hiatus was forced at gunpoint to write his thoughts after seeing Tox Six's The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence]

Rather than give a full review of Human Centipede 2, I thought I'd go through some things that I liked about the movie, and some that I didn't. In honor of the centipede, I broke it down into 10 good and 10 bad things.

Good

1. The gore and special effects are excellent. Much more so than the original.
2. The killer is a fat slob, who is mute, asthmatic, and retarded. Unconventional!
3. The shameless flashbacks to the first part were (un) intentionally hilarious.
4. A character from the first part miraculously returns!
5. More feces than you will ever see, or would want to see.
6. Lacking medical knowledge, our new "doctor" uses household tools.
7. Watching a lady, who didn't know better, leave the theater in disgust.
8. An actual centipede attacks and maims an old woman. Symbolism!
9. Gratuitous prenatal infant trauma. And postnatal trauma.
10. The use of laxatives as a plot catalyst!
    

Bad

1. The whole movie is in black and white. It mutes the effect of the blood/guts.
2. There's no actual plot. No attempt to explain. No attempt to attempt.
3. Like 10 scenes of the fat slob using an inhaler. He has asthma. OK, we get it.
4. Seeing the fat slob wearing a thong walk around the house. Not good times.
5. Sorry, but seeing a room drenched in blood and feces needs to be in color!
6. The acting was horrible. Even when you consider the low expectations.
7. A little shit eating really goes a long way.
8. I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't all "100% medically accurate".
9. All of the boring non-centipede related murders.
10. Black and white might've been an attempt at art. This shit ain't art. This shit is shit.
    

And there you have it, a movie that delivers all the over the top decadence you hoped for. And literally nothing more than that. Grading on a curve....

Rating:
1/2

Here are more photos via UGO.com

Categories: 2011 horror movies, gore, indie horror, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, the human centipede trailer, tom six, underground splatter

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (Review)

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Directed by Tom Six

Sometimes your poop comes in pellet form, other times you need to set up a level 10 quarantine. It's these rather crude analogies that I've conjured up that equate themselves to the original and sequel for The Human Centipede . After eating a burrito, sometimes you fear the worst and sometimes that trip to the bathroom turns out not as bad as you thought it would be. That's what I thought of Tom Six's original.

The Human Centipede 2 is not a good film by any means but its like a newborn's dirty diaper....you get a hell of a surprise. Devoid of any decent plot, a psychopath that is a couple of deadly sins incarnate (think sloth) and 100% medically inaccurate, its a film that is a big "FUCK YOU" by Tom Six for anybody who claimed the original didn't go over the edge. I wrote in my original review: "I'd like to have seen it go over the edge and go into the realm of uncharted super duper uber fuckedupness"

Well Tom Six does exactly that. He should have taken elements from the original and mix in the fuckedupness in this film. But instead he goes waaaaay over the top in an artsy fartsy black and white splatter film and chooses to not give one single fuck about characters, plot and an antagonist we can fear or even be remotely memorable.

Sure the Human Centipede 2 makes 2 Girls, 1 Cup look like a Disney film, but at what cost?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Martin is a mentally disturbed loner who lives with his mother in a bleak housing project. He works the night shift as a security guard in an equally grim and foreboding underground parking complex. To escape his dreary existence, Martin loses himself in the fantasy world of the cult horror film The Human Centipede (First Sequence), fetishizing the meticulous surgical skills of the gifted Dr. Heiter, whose knowledge of the human gastrointestinal system inspires Martin to attempt the unthinkable.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The beauty of the original was the ridiculousness of Dr. Heiter and his obsessiveness to create a human centipede. Dieter Laser's performance was incredible and his "Feed her!" line will be uttered by horror fans for years to come. But our main sociopath, a mute and obese Brit named Martin is such a disappointment, one can only think that this is what Tom Six thinks of the hardcore horror fan. This fat penguin man, who is obsessed with Six's original film decides to go and make a 12 man centipede where the lovely Ashlynn Yennie will form the head (she's like the black Lion in this fucked up Voltron).

Working at a parking garage, his victims come in all forms from happily married couple, drunk party girls, a pregnant woman, random hooligans and a few other unfortunates that Martin encounters. He's a victim of sexual abuse via his father and his mom begs to have their angry neighbor "kill them both". The family doctor is as degenerate as Martin and makes an appearance as a ro-beast.

The movie is as predictable as your run of the mill slasher. Martin watches the original, jerks off, feeds his pet centipede (yes you read that right he has a pet centipede) stalks his victims and kills. Lather, rinse and repeat. It's the same old shit for like an hour. Six decides this meta-verse is him being crazy fuckin clever (he's not). That's not to say our mute Martin doesn't make a few intentional ha ha's. His excited cheering during the "feed her!" scene as he rewatches the classic and a few phone calls from a casting agent give us winks to the audience's knowledge of part 1. Martin is a walking grotesque, a child with a loaded gun that enjoys inflicting harm for his obsession. He's his own Dr. Frankenstein and squeals with glee as he shapes his very own human centipede but the only thing WE the audience care about is seeing his creation.

And that's why you have to watch an hour of this film to see it. And it's like seeing a Rorschach test made of human feces. Your only reason for sitting through this film is to see the fuckin full sequence. 3 was not enough for us. We want 6...no we want 9...how about 12!

Where the original had Dr. Heiter use a clean sterile environment and had medical precision for his experiment, Martin uses a dirty, filthy abandoned warehouse complete with rusty tools for his operation. And here comes the Gore-ipedia. Sliced knee tendons, really bad dental surgery, tongue trauma, staple gun frenzy and a lot of duck tape. The splatter and gore are at its peak and they are making gorehounds rejoice. It's not until we get to Martin's own "Feed her!" scene do we get to fuckedupness levels of fuckedupness. It's LITERALLY shit in motion. Even Martin's comeuppance at the end is a level of the surreal and definitely 100% medically IN-accurate.

The Human Centipede 2 is a competitive horror viewing contest. The original was easy to stomach, participants easily digested everything they took in. But HC2 is seeing a dude eat beyond his capacity and then vomit it all up. Do you really want to see that shit?

I'm not buying into any theory that HC2 has some underlying meaning in it. I firmly believe Tom Six was responding to all of us who LOVED the original or HATED it but both sides agreed it didn't go over the line of what it was advertised to be. But this time he delivers a disgusting, gore soaked and diarrhea of a film that has none of the awesomeness of what made the original so memorable.

All that's left to do after watching The Human Centipede 2 is to flush the toilet.

Nude-ipedia

A few boobs and ass via our victims
Martin's shirtless obesity made me throw up in my mouth a little

Gore-ipedia

See above labeled Gore-ipedia

WTF moment

Martin's comeuppance

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I'm giving HC2 2 spinkicks. It's not a good movie like I said but it's got scenes that I'll admit leave a damn fucked up imprint in your mind. I did laugh a few times because of the ridiculousness of it all but those LOLs were few and far in between. I had HC2 as the #1 Remaining Best of the Rest Horror Movies of 2011. What can I say? I got caught up in the hype.

The Human Centipede 2 is being distributed by IFC Films and will get a theatrical release on October 7th.

The Vitals

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Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, gore, indie horror, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, the human centipede trailer, tom six, underground splatter

Sweatshop (Review)

Sweatshop

Sweatshop (2009)

Directed by Stacy Davidson

"It's always the quiet ones that cut your dick off while you're not looking"

-Token black guy DJ

It's rare to see a film that takes the slasher formula and hammers in the gore relentlessly. If there is one thing that nails this down, it's Sweatshop, a splatter soaked gore-o-thon that gives us sex, beats and a big fuckin sledgehammer.

Director Stacy Davidson and writer Ted Geoghegan clearly went for the jugular in this film. I'll get to the gore in a second but the cast of characters who we'll get to meet are the anti-Hollywood Hollister/American Eagle bunch of white people. They're ravers/punk rockers/crustycore motley crew sorta bunch and kudos to the costume department for making them all stand out in their own way.

A few plot points are scattered around, a few LOLs dabbled in but the gorehounds will rejoice when "The Beast" and his banshee she-demons get their kill on. It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to.

Sweatshop's The Beast is a slasher even Thor would be scared of.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of friends break into an abandoned factory in order to throw a impromptu party; unaware that it is not as empty as they originally believed.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I review every slasher flickwith my handy jaded viewer slasher checklist. Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Sweatshop achieve everything on this list?

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check. The Beast's backstory is never told, we don't even know why he wants to kill these glow stick motherfuckers. He's got a pimp fur coat and a welding mask and his fuckin large...like Butterbean large. I'm going to assume he's an inbred redneck as that's what I always assume.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Definite check. The raver-tastic Krystal Freeman who plays Lolli shows us her lovely lovelies (that's boobs) and it's mucho fantastico. Top it off with a sex scene with a fat guy and..... ::shivers::

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. Clearly there's a final girl in here somewhere. We have Charlie, the greedy raver in charge, Scottyboy the mohawk sex fiend, Wade the hillbilly, Jade the malicious vixen, Lolli the slut, Miko the other slut and a token black DJ.

4.) No Plot?

Check. Kids have a rave in an abandoned warehouse where a Thor envy slasher kills them. What more you want?

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. I'll say that they went old school with this one.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hammer frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. Top notch over the top gore in this one. Severed heads via a hedge clipper, sliced heads via machetes, entrails and intestines ripped out and many many many splatter inducing, modified sledge hammer wallops that result in pancake ravers. Ocular trauma, penis trauma, hand trauma, neck trauma...there be a whole shitload of fuckin trauma in this.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nobody really takes charge. Everybody fends for themselves. Bunch of savages in this town.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

There are a few jokes that made me chuckle but overall it's the final rave scene at the end where The Beast goes exterminator on the raver "roaches" that had me laughing.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Nope.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

************************************************************

Sweatshop isn't the most creative slasher movie but it's the most bloodiest one I've seen in a while. It's got its gimmicks (ravers doing ravy things) and a masked slasher with a weapon that would make Jason Voorhees jealous. The characters are your standard cardboard cutouts of not white teen suburbia but cutouts of what we think ravers dress and act like. I mean they had them drinking and smoking weed...but not doing meth or taking E? WTF?

By the end of the first hour, the body count is quite high and your waiting to see what the hell will happen in the final 30. And I'll admit it doesn't disappoint. It's a crazy gore soaked ending.

I've always said that if you have gratuitous nudity, some semi interesting characters and a formidable killing machine, you've made a decent slasher film in my book.

You may not have expected it, but Sweatshop cuts off a good solid dick.

Gore-ipedia

See checklist item #6

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous

WTF moment

That hammer is seriously pimped out

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Sweatshop is being distributed via Screen Media Films and was released on DVD September 13th. Sarah Jahier of Fatally Yours has a quote on the DVD box (which peaked my interest in watching this) and a Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central gave good reviews.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Like Sweatshop on Facebook!
• Follow Sweatshop on Twitter!
  

Rating:
1/2


Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, 80s horror, 80s slasher horror, gore, indepentent horror, indie horror, slasher films, slashers, splatter, splatter gore, top gore movies, top splatter movies

Top 5 Slice and Dice Dismemberment Death Scenes

Umm this is kinda self explanatory. Slice and Dice deaths. Nuff said.

5.) Resident Evil

Lasers are awesome!





4.) Final Destintion 2

Death sure is creative!




3.) Cube

One of the first slice and dices I ever saw.





2.) Ghost Ship

It's all about the body count here and seeing rich people sliced and diced makes me happy.




1.) Underworld

It takes him like 30 seconds to fall apart!






Bonus Video!

Here's a few more that include the one's above. I especially like the Slither one with the intestines coming out.

Categories: best death scenes, best death scenes ever, cube, faces of death, final destination, gore, slice and dice, slither, splatter, splatter gore, underworld

Adam Green's Hatchet II (Review)

Hatchet II

Adam Green's Hatchet II (2010)

Directed by Adam Green

By now you've heard about the controversy that surrounded Hatchet 2's theatrical release. It was pulled mid run from theaters from AMC who cited "poor performance" at the box office. But the horror-sphere will argue that releasing an uncut, unrated and uncensored version of the movie in theaters was a huge gamble by Dark Sky Films and AMC and it was pulled because it contained too much exteeminess, gore and splatter.

Arguments aside Hatchet 2 deserved at least a decent theatrical run to prove old school American horror can survive theatrically. When all that floods US theaters are PG-13 3D CGI kills snoozefests, one can only wonder if the 80s inspired slasher films can survive in this climate. Obviously not.

But on the merit of a horror film, Hatchet 2 is a sequel that literally starts off where the last one ended. Everything about Hatchet 2 follows the sequel formula to a tee. It's been said before that Green's Hatchet is to Alien as Green's Hatchet 2 is to Aliens. Hunters abound in the sequel and all hell breaks loose. But we'll get to that in a sec.

Hatchet 2 is an unapologetic splatter slasher flick that says "Fuck You" to the other horror movies of 2010. It's the big bully in the room that taunts you, gives you wedgies, makes you feel sympathetic towards it then punches you in the face and takes your lunch money. Straight out, it's one of the best horror movies of 2010 and will easily make my top 10 list.

Victor Crowley slaughtered his way into a great rookie season in the original. Here he gives more of the same. It's the same formula and somehow it works again. I might as well go with my same review formula to.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Marybeth escapes the clutches of the deformed, swamp-dwelling iconic killer Victor Crowley. After learning the truth about her family's connection to the hatchet-wielding madman...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you are any kind of horror fan, you will appreciate Hatchet 2 for what it is. A fun, goofy gorefest slasher film. It doesn't take itself seriously and if you just relax and take it all in, you know Adam Green is winking at you with a few inside jokes. If you missed it, here are a couple.

• The film starts off exactly where the first film ended
• Adam Green makes a cameo as Ben and Marcus's friend whose still in New Orleans
• The character Chad references living in Glen Echo and if they heard about Leslie Vernon (referencing Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon)
• The character Parker from Adam Green's movie Frozen is seen briefly on the TV in Reverend Zombie's voodoo shop speaking to news cameras about her lawsuit and settlement against the ski mountain from the film.
• Troma's Lloyd Kaufman makes a cameo as one of the would be hunters
  

But let's get to the standard slasher jaded viewer checklist for this review

What makes a good, fun slasher movie? Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Hatchet 2 achieve everything on this list?

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Check. Plus we get a cameo from our former Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast member. You can't go wrong with the best nudity in a horror film. Gratuitous nudity. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Partial check. Well it's more like redneck caricatures who are old people who die gruesome and horrific deaths. Old people dying is fun.

4.) No Plot?

Check. It's a check in the fact that sure in Hatchet 2 we get to know a little more about the backstory of our freak show Hatchet face Victor Crowley. Seems like he's a bit Obama-ish which explains why he has the body of Ray Lewis. More Crowley mythology was OK but it wasn't necessary. You tell me he's a ghost/spectre from the swamp, I'm good.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. I especially enjoyed the double saw as well as the hatchet in the vagina kill. Parry Shen has now been killed twice and both were solid. Poor Parry. Some face scraping and propeller trauma weren't that original but Green was quite creative on the kills. I give the kills a B+.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Sorta Check. A few fodder victims never believe the legend and get to meet good ole Vic up close in person. Hot girl Marybeth takes charge and Danielle Harris does a great job in being the final girl. Her Southern drawl accent came and went but I let it go. Her uber hotness and cuteness negates any "bad acting". Parry Shen is hilarious as Justin, twin brother of Shawn from the first movie. I like how he had the faux goatee like he was the evil twin. Tony Todd plays creep Rev. Zombie who knows how to kill Crowley. But his theory is as good as looking it up on Wikipedia.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. A former couple add some random sex before they're eliminated. We get a token black guy making token black guy funnies that come out flat.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check. Tony Todd is the only one in Hatchet 2 but when he's battling Victor Crowley I was like: "It's Candyman vs Jason!!!! This is fuckin awesome!!!!"

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Actually...well.....ummm....no?

If you haven't seen the original, seeing these movies back to back makes the Hatchet series a solid entry to the American slasher genre. It's not as good as the first one as the characters in Hatchet 2 were more of the locals rather that the funny, goofy tourists. But the on screen kills were all top notch and quite creative.

And at the end of the day, your going to watch Hatchet 2 to see those gallons of blood tossed on a tree. I mean it's such an old school effect but somehow I don't mind. I don't need to see CGI kills to be a happy horror boy. All I need are dumb victims, a secluded area and a body being twisted in a way that's not humanly possible.

It's that same formula that worked in the 80s, worked in the 90s and worked the aughts. And it works. Hatchet 2 is old school American horror. Got that motherfucker?

Gore-ipedia

See checklist item #6

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous


WTF moment

Double saw kill...fuckin awesome

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Hatchet 2 is already on Video on Demand and will come out on BluRay/DVD on February 1st. Many in the horror blogosphere have made it their mission to support Adam Green and unrated horror. As a horror fan, you should be for this when it comes to horror movies that deserve it.

Hatchet 2 is violent, sick and twisted. It's a gorehound's delight and a top notch slasher flick. It deserves your support and will show up on my Top 10 list for sure.

The Vitals

• The official site
• ArieScope Pictures
  
• Facebook Page
• Follow Adam Green on Twitter

Rating:

Categories: 2010 horror movies, Adam Green, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, gore, hatchet, hatchet 2, old school american horror, slasher films, slashers, splatter, splatter gore, victor crowley

The Sick Twisted F*ck YouTube DVD Competition 2010

I've been meaning to do a The Top 10 Most Disgusting, Grotesque, Exploitative, Splatter, Gore, Vile Horror Movies list but I wouldn't be able to do it justice. Back in college, Insano Steve and I tried our best to see the most fucked up movies ever made. And we actually saw a lot of flicks that were disturbing as all fuckin hell.

But then I had to enter the real world, got a job and became a pseudo young internet professional and had to put my horror viewing on hold. I kinda waned a bit on finding the extra saucy insane flicks. Then with some spare time, I created the jaded viewer to sorta catch up on what I missed and write up what I had seen. A diary so to speak of what I had seen back in the day.

However, people have decided to see the recent sickest shit and I'll admit I'm jealous. I found this blog called Sick Twisted Fucks and it brought back all the memories of what it was like to see these fucked up films the first time.

These guys are having a competition on YouTube where you share your most sick and twisted flicks in your DVD collection. To put yourself on YouTube and go though a list of what's in your collection is kinda ballsy. I mean to say you own the Vomit Gore trilogy or Squirmfest is telling the public....I like sick shit and I'm proud of it. I mean I own an autographed copy of August Underground Mordum signed by Fred Vogel himself and I think it's the most vile shit in my collection.

In any case, I'm not making up a list but posting these YouTube videos of the members of Sick Twisted Fucks and their entry videos of what's their sickest of the sick. I agree that most of these flicks are sick and twisted. Ironically, I've seen most of these.

The fact you can start breaking it out to subgenres like "vomit gore", necrophilia, scat eating and serial killer is a testament to the fact that these genres were made because their is an actual audience for it. Jeezus Japan, you guys need to watch more 3D Holographic anime characters.

So you can go all voyeur and see if you own any of these films. They are all fuckin hilarious as they describe the atrocities and plots in these movies. I mean it's almost ACME cartooney to say this movie is "about defecating on somebody's face and then eating the shit that was just defecated". But calling somebody the f word because they don't own Philosophy of a Knife. Let's tone it down a notch dude.

OK ready?

Meet the competitors!

***********************************************

These guys and girl all know their stuff. I have to say I'm floored by Ms. Fangirl Sarah. Watching sick and fucked up films I've always thought would fall into a horror super charged alpha male realm and seeing this very hot, Avril Lavigney girl talk about some messed up flicks is crazy awesome.

I'm not sure what you win or who judges this thing. But the lists of DVDs these guys have are unbelievably stellar and very fucked up. It reminds me of a story I heard that a Japanese man was arrested for mutilating people in Tokyo back in 90s or something and when the police searched his apartment, they found many fucked up movies in his collection. They were led to believe that these sicko movies were inspiration for going all homicidal.

I would hate to think what a psychologist would say about my DVD collection.

If you're now looking at your own DVD collection and realizing your most demented DVD is Halloween, well then keep yourself mainstreemy. I mean there are a few hardcore fans out there that take it up a notch. If you decide to cross the line into a fucked up horror universe, you need to see some of the movies they mentioned.

I mean who wouldn't want to see a lady eat a plate of maggots and spaghetti?

Categories: disturbing movies, gore, japanese porn, porn, splatter, splatter gore

Brain Dead (Review)

Brain Dead

Brain Dead (2007)

Directed by Kevin Tenney

No its not that Brain Dead.

If you're like me, that title goes with one film and one film only and that's Peter Jackson's zombie classic. But let's not judge the film based on title alone. Because if you know horror, you know who Kevin Tenney is. The man has quite a directorial horror resume which includes Witchboard and the classic Night of the Demons.

So I kinda knew what I'd be in for when I watched Brain Dead. But could Tenney bring back all that was fun about mutant zombie 80s gorefests?

Great cerebral cortexes! Yes he can.

Brain Dead is an assembly line produced throwback 80s splatter flick that hits all on all the cliches that make the genre so great to watch. Gratuitous nudity, gratuitous gore, gratuitous over the top makeup and gratuitous snarky characters spewing curse words a mile a minute. It took a director from the 80s to actually make a good, solid 80s throwback splatterfest.

Sure it's a low budget, been there, done that premise, but sometimes you just gotta go with the ridiculousness and try to shut off your brain like the zombies in this film.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What do a pair of escaped convicts, a preacher and his assistant, and a pair of pretty hikers have in common? They’re all delicious.

After an extraterrestrial parasite crash-lands in a backwoods American town – landing squarely on the head of a local fisherman – it sparks a fast spreading zombie infestation. As the brain hungry monsters multiply, three pairs of unlucky misfits convene on a fishing lodge for shelter. With zombies pounding at the door, the stranded, mismatched travelers must band together to stop the invasion – or serve themselves up as a main course. The problem is, they may lose their minds to each other before losing their brains to the zombies.

Full of ingenious gore effects, nudity and witty banter, “Brain Dead” is just as much a parody of classic zombie films as it is a clever update to the beloved genre.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's review a movie by breaking it out by cliches. It's got em all and I felt like I time traveled and was watching a movie through my VCR. the only thing that was different was I didn't have to fix the tracking....and I have an awesome TV. So let's start off with the most important shit first.

Gratuitous NUDITY!!!!!!

In the first 30 minutes, we get to see not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4...YES! Count em 4 sets of boobs in this movie. And I'm not talking about icky fat-ish actresses. Nope we got some hotties showing off their assets.

Names are not important but grades are. Without a doubt, Cristina Tiberia gets an A, Sarah Grant Brendecke gets a B+, Michelle Tomlinson gets a B- and some other chick gets a C.

Yes you will see boobs and they're real and they're spectacular.

Gratuitous Cliched Plot!!!!!!

Some space creature that looks like black ooze crash lands and it's actually a parasitic organism that when it takes over a human body, craves for brains so it can reproduce. Enter zombie mutant puppets.

You've seen this in Night of the Demons and the movie takes elements of Evil Dead, Slither, Evil Aliens and countless others.

Gratuitous Stereotypical Characters!!!!!!

So who do we get to watch for an hour and a half?

• A smart ass Sawyer like guy named Clarence
• A convicted felon dumb hick named Bob
• A lesbian, man hating hottuie named Claudia
• A vegan, commune with nature med student named Sherry
  
• A hypocritial lusty preacher named Farnsworth
• A God fearing, Tea Party belle named Amy
• A few other locals that make for good death fodder

Gratuitous Gore and Splatter!!!!!!

All these people come together and meet in a cabin in the woods (I did mention were in clicheworld right?) where our zombie aliens are looking for fresh BRAAAAAAAAAAINNNNNS!!

The best part of Brain Dead is the non CGI gore. It's old school here with shotgun head blasts, quick edit watermelon blasts (its suppose to be a human head) and decapitations and arm rippage. It's like they DeLoreaned into the past and made this movie in the 80s.

Tons of blood, tons of gore and tons of black ooze vomiting from our zombies to infect other people. Shit was coming out of every orifice dude. And it was fuckin awesome.

Gratuitous Gripes and Negatives!!!!!!

Brain Dead won't be for everyone. Noobs won't understand why us "old timers" think is a big deal about some boobs and gore. But here's a message to you noobs. Boobs and gore were not as easily accessible back in the day. If you saw boobs in a movie, you couldn't believe your eyes. If you saw somebody's heart gets ripped out, you applauded. So we have a special place in our hearts for these movies. You noobs are lucky with your free porn and YouTube.

Brain Dead kinda gets ZZZZZZZZs with some badly written dialogue and goofy makeup effects. But Clarence's snarky one liners had me laughing a few times. His zingers zinged and I have to admit, I chuckled a few times.

But being low budget, you can smell the cheese and it's extra velveetay. What can ya do right?

Brain Dead ain't the best throwback but it's done with fun and care and Kevin Tenney knows what us gorehounds and breasthounds want. All of this is packaged into Brain Dead and I had fun nostalgia-ing to my VHS days. What more can you ask?

Well more boobs would have been nice.

WTF moment

One of the characters get an untimely demise I didn't see coming. Holey moley.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Brain Dead was just released on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures. You can buy it via Amazon.com.

For more info, head over to Breaking Glass Pictures or the Facebook page.

Rating:


Check out the trailer below!

Categories: brain dead, gore, gratuitous nudity, horror comedy, indie horror, low budget horror, night of the demon, nudity, splatter, splatter gore, zombies