Monday, June 04, 2012

5 Things I Learned from Cannibal Movies

With all this talk of Eli Roth's The Green Inferno, the cannibal movie is poised to make a comeback. I mean we haven't seen an awesome full native vs white man cannibal movie since the 80s. We've seen cannibal parodies and Bruno Mattei flicks. Hopefully Eli Roth will stick to the formula that have made Deodato and Lenzi horror household names. In a nutshell the white man must pay for trying to civilize the uncivilized.

When will they ever listen?

But what have we learned from the best cannibal movies of all time?

1.) The white man thinks he knows it all

When will the white man learn he can't control the cannibal natives. Be it for TV ratings or brainwashing the population, shit always hits the fan. Leave the poor blue smurfs alone (sorry wrong movie). All your technology doesn't mean shit when you got an arrow in the knee.

2.) Brains, Eyeballs and intenstines are fuckin tasty

Don't judge the natives because they like eating human sushi.

3.) The natives win because they have home court advantage

Civilized people don't know shit about the jungle. Can they swing through trees? Fuck no. Do they know the shortcuts to the river? Hell no. Natives know everything. You can run but no way can you hide.

4.) Documentary filmmakers have short life spans

It doesn't even have to be death by cannibals. I can only imagine the malaria, flesh eating virus and other fatal things that one can get in the jungle.

5.) When you see a body with a fuckin pole through somebody's mouth, it's time to fuckin leave

I mean it's common sense.

Do you have others? Chime in below! What do you think about Eli Roth's new movie? Will it live up to Holocause, Ferox?

1 comment:

  1. This is typical of Roth, who having burnt out his status as the golden boy of horror, (a title which it seems is more suited to Adam Green.) with his lack of productivity outside of producing duties and questionable acting, is now going for the shock factor vote once again.

    Still you have to wonder how effective he can truly be with this genre, whose most noteworthy mentions were only as notorious as they are due to the heavy use of animal cruelty (that darn turtle scene still haunts me).

    No doubt it will make money on hype alone, but will be most interesting for how he manages to cram the sex comedy moment in this one, he's so seemingly obsessed with including in his films.