The Cabin in the Woods (Review)

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Directed by Drew Goddard
Written by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon

The Cabin in the Woods was suppose to come out on February 5th 2010. It didn't. The poster and trailer were released December of last year. We had to wait 2+ years for this to come out. As a hoarder and fanboy of all that is Whedon, I was getting annoyed and was losing any hope that this movie was ever going to be released. They delayed it to 3D it. Joss and Drew cried foul. Would we ever see this???

And yes we all would. But as April 13th approached, I knew Cabin would be my must see movie of the year. I was having Whedon withdrawal and even though he was giving us Avengers, it was mainstream Joss. With CITW, we were getting vintage Joss. Teamed with Drew Goddard (a Buffy/Angel alum writer/director) we were going to get the answer to that age old question...

"What would happen if Joss Whedon (and Drew Goddard) wrote a horror movie?"

And beyond my wildest expectations, The Cabin in the Woods is the best horror movie of 2012. To go even further, it probably is the best horror comedy of the last 10 years. My fellow jaded viewers, CITW is better than Scream (sorry Wes) and all its bastard children. Tucker and Dale vs Evil hinted towards a meta aware horror comedy but CITW goes lights years beyond that.

Simply and concisely summarized, Cabin is a meta self aware revolutionary horror comedy that takes those structured horror cliches, be it the stereotypical characters, the irrational choices, the set direction and the mythos and goes all man behind the curtain on it. Joss and Drew go all Wizard of Oz-ing on the horror genre and it's so brilliant, so awesome and so fucking clever you will leave the theater in a state of pure happy happy joy joy bliss and understand why #CabinintheWoodsisEPIC was trending on Twitter.

It's a horror reference machine, sending you cameos, trends and cliches a mile a minute and it asks you to get it. Do you get it? Do you understand the parody of what you're seeing? You don't? Then go ask somebody. Go watch the Universal classics, the slasher franchises, the Kubrick masterpiece. Then you'll understand why Cabin is going to spawn it's own genre and some bastard children of it's own.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Of course, the movie is about 5 friends who go to a cabin in the woods. But in the opening scene (in classic Whedon fashion) the twist which is SUPPOSE to be in the middle of the film is the one that starts you off. Any way of plot points and spoilers will ruin the movie for you so I will now not mention much of it (like CTK @ Planet of Terror did in his review). What I will do is answer my standard Q&A when I review a slasher film (because I'm jack full of spaz tuna) and also go in a bonus round, let's cyberchat in the comments. Go, go gadget Q&A!

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check...and it has so much more that I'm getting giddy and a horror boner talking about it.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Check. Rated R motherfucker. They're real and they're spectacular.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. A blonde bimbo slut, a stoner "fool", the dumb jock, the smart guy and your standard prepackaged final "virgin" girl. Oh how you will howl with laughter at Fran Kranz's performance as Marty, the stoner. He spews Whedon-logue as good as Xander Harris.

4.) No Plot?

It's really a trick question as of course there is a plot and it's fuckin awesome. When you drank a can of New Coke, you know it's just a version of the original formula. Oh how I love the original formula. Classic Coke with a twist of sassy.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. You will yell out in delight and make a mess in your pants. You will see a lot of fanboy O faces.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. There are LOL scenes of WTF by the various "things". The blood and splatter are top notch. Lots of everything I said above with a point that may impale your brain. Hint hint.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends the hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Wow. Joss get out of my head. This describes our stoner Marty to a tee. Though the legend is more of the "Here is what the fuck is going on" to his friends and the audience. Marty is using is sight beyond sight. That's the real power of weed.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. The Whedonesque dialogue complete with Buffy speak is as always fuckin brilliant. Sure, "teenagers" are spewing dialogue written by 30 and 40 somethings but it has always worked when done by the Whedon players. The jokes are spot on timely and hilariously LOL. The play on words and reverse logic make it all the more fun. It's dialogue and conversation that is probably written in a conventional way and then Whedon-ized to make it funny. Remember, Joss actually talks like this.

9.) Gratuitous cameos of horror legends (a famous man of the box, classic Universal monsters, Kubrick tweens) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check. SPOILER ALERT!!! This link here will give you all the info you need.

9a.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check. But it's the final girl we see at the end playing "Le Director" that you'll be cheering for.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Actually...well.....ummm....no?

************************************************************

The Cabin in the Woods will be remembered as a game changer in the world of horror. It's a horror movie within the making of a horror movie. The Whedon elements are pure mythological magic, where he introduces something new to an audience that has long forgotten or chosen to forget why we all love the horror genre.

Goddard and Whedon break down into the slasher formula and ask the questions we've all asked before, during and after the movie. We've always questioned character motivations, absurd coincidences, elaborate backstory and heroic save the day moments but never has it been put in a movie so brilliantly and with such style and and LOL zingers.

A new generation of millennials has now been introduced us to the topsy turvy world of Hellmouth 101.

Nude-ipedia

A spectacular pair of mangoes

Gore-ipedia

Mucho slaughter via slasher weaponry
Mucho victim fodder via various slasher methodology

WTF moment

SPOILER ALERT!!! (scroll over to see)
----> (I'll never see unicorns the same again)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Cabin in the Woods is clearly the film to beat as best horror movie of 2012. So many Buffy/Angel/Dollhouse alum I was oozing Whedonesque Fanboy-isms like a motherfucker. Everybody go see this movie. NOW. Drop what you're doing and see it now. Why are you still reading this?

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, buffy the vampire slayer, cabin in the woods, dollhouse, joss whedon, vampires, whedonesque, zombies

The Shortround: The Code (Review)

Lots of new Shortround posts this week. Here's another one where you can actually watch for yourself. From Mark Blitch comes The Code, a horror comedy short that part Buffy part Shaun of the Dead.

The tagline says it all: Put it on your Google Calendar

Watch the short below and then read my review.

The Code - watch more funny videos

the jaded viewer says: At 6 minutes, The Code cleverly polishes it's Buffy dialogue and Shaun of the Dead references while throwing in cameos chock full of horror icons. It's funny and knows the stereotypical horror cliches it parodies. I like the cliched opening of a douchebag alpha male with the supposed dumb blonde though I was 100% sure she was a Buffy in disguise.

The vampire, chainsaw slasher and Bigfoot were solid surprises but Taylor Brandt as zombie Shaun steals the show with his loyalty for Google Calendar. Obvious reference aside, it made me LOL and the makeup and FX won ton of awards at the Splatterfest Festival in Houston.

Good job by all those involved and I'm happy you all were able to see it as well.

Check out the links below for more info.

Film - http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/65eu
IMDB - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2059297/
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Code/246951718683504
Metal Sandwhich Films: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Metal-Sandwich-Films/190463734328735

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, comedy, horror comedy, horror short, short, short film, slashers, the shortround, vampires, zombie comedy, zombies

The Buffy Comic Giveaway Contest Winner is....

I'd like to thank everyone who participated in The Jaded Viewer's Buffy Comic Giveaway! I can't believe I got so many entries to this contest when I was only expecting maybe a dozen or so. Obvious nobody got the list of Big Bads wrong (you're all so Xander smart!) but the puns were priceless and I shared a few of them in the comments on the original post. Be sure to check them out.

Here's a couple of my favorites based on the clip below.

Here's mine:
"I'd like a Double Medley Burger, small fries and a dusted vamp to go please"

And here are your punny puns.

"Every time I pull out the stake, they make with the shock and the awww. Maybe I really do need a nametag."

Vampire:" You fight like a barbarian you prissy little......." (death stab)

"One vampire stake, extra dusty."

"Got wood? I do....wait, that didn't come out right."

"Sorry, all out of A1."

"No neck-sucking on face-suckers for you."

*After defeating 3 vampires*
"Well that was the worst Foursome ever."

"Well that's it. 3 spikes and I'm out."

"Oh C'mon, these teenagers fooling around have more endurance than that!"

*pulls stake out* : "two company"
*stakes vamp* "Three's a crowd"

If you came up with a pun, you got an extra entry into the contest.

And finally a special thanks to Whedonesque for the plug!

OK enough stalling. The winner of The Jaded Viewer Buffy Comic Giveaway Contest is.........

Chelsea from California!

Congrats Chelsea and thanks for participating. I'll be having more giveaways and I have another Buffy Comic Book to giveaway soon.

So check back real soon. Thanks to you all for making this an awesome contest!

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, comic books. graphic novels, comics, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, joss whedon, sarah michelle gellar, the jaded viewer, whedonesque

Giveaway Contest: Win Buffy the Vampire Slayer, S8 Volume 1 Comic Book!

I haven't had a contest in a while and I really never had anything good to giveaway. But with all this talk of a new Buffy remake coming out, I realized this would be the perfect contest for 2011.

So here's the deal. You're going to have to be a little creative to win. Below is a clip of Buffy dusting a vampire. If you're any kind of Buffy fan, you know she always has a nice witty quip or pun she says after she stakes a vamp. This one is:

"Three in one night, Giles would be so proud"




**UPDATE**

I'm changing this up a bit. There are 2 ways you can enter this contest to win 1 copy of Buffy the vampire Slayer, Season 8 Volume 1 entitled "The Long Way Home". Contest will run until the end of February. US only residents.

1.) I want you to come up with your most creative vampire comeback, pun or quip based upon the video above.

AND/OR

2.) Answer the question below.

Name the "Big Bad" from each of the 7 Seasons of BTVS.

Once you come up with your cleverly clever quip or name the Big Bads, e-mail or DM your name and e-mail address with your answers. Around March, I'll randomly pick a winner! If you do both, you get entered twice and double your chances!

E-mail: jadedviewers at yahoo dot com
Twitter: @jadedviewer
Facebook: the jaded viewer

Now channel your inner Joss Whedon and get with the punning.

Thanks to Whedonesque for the plug!

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, comic books. graphic novels, comics, contest, giveaway, horror giveaway, joss whedon, sarah michelle gellar, whedonesque

Get your kumbayaya's out! (BTVS Musical variations)

I'm joining in the festivities over at Gore Gore Dancer as Aleata Illusion proclaims it Buffy week this week. (its good I didn't participate with The Spiral Downward to Irrevelancy of Sarah Michelle Gellar post) I've been rewatching some seasons over again and I recently got to the musical episode in Season 6.

"Once More with Feeling" is indeed a precursor to Joss Whedon's Dr. Horrible's Sing Along web short. It's got some great musical numbers with the notables being Tara's "Under Your Spell" and Buffy's "Through the Fire". I'll even say "I'll Never Tell" featuring the duo of a Xander and Anya is pretty sweet too.

But the craze this episode started after it aired and even continues today is the number of stage plays/musicals and final school art projects its spawned. Seriously this is some uber Buffy nerdo stuff here. From us Americans to the Brits to the French to the Aussies, we love our Buffy musical and we love to karoakey it to death.

Mind you, some of these are bleeding ears bad and others are actually pretty yabba dabba doo. Here are a few examples. First the big super crappy burgers.

the jaded viewer says: It's "I'll Never Tell" where the actors/singers are not even in costume and just seems like they never even watched the episode as they don't perform the little nuances associated with the characters.




the jaded viewer says: This Portland, OR version isn't too bad.. This send up of "I've Got A Theory" is actually tolerable.




the jaded viewer says: Sometimes there is one good singer in the troupe while the others are mediocre. Take for instance this one. The Buffy singer is super duper. This is a final school project featuring "Walk through the Fire"




the jaded viewer says:OK lots of big Buffy fans getting their kumbabyayas out. Some people don't even look like Buffy like in this UK version of "Going Through the Motions"




So what have we learned? There are alot of Buffy fans who love doing this musical. I kinda think its glued to the fact when that Super Mario Bros live action sketch went viral everybody copied that.

In any case, the musical is damn catchy and ranks as one of the best BTVS episodes ever. Now the best version is the original and below is a making of that episode.

Here's a making of the Buffy musical.




Well that was magically delicious wasn't it? So what are your thoughts on the Buffy musical episode? Like it? Dislike it? Want to make a version where I play Xander? In any case, for more Buffy fun head over to Gore Gore Dancer for some awesome Buffy posts this week.

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, joss whedon, musical, sarah michelle gellar, vampires

The Spiral Downward to Irrelevancy of Sarah Michelle Gellar

More than a Forgotten Horror Hottie, Sarah Michelle Gellar is iconic when it comes to kick ass girls. With Whedon is my Master's Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gellar stamped her mark playing the slaytastic heroine.

So instead of posting a few pics and reading her resume, I wanted to examine...well what the happened to her career?

I'm not saying she was the best actress, but with Buffy her performances were all top notch. Spewing that Slayer speak, emoting with those eyes and lips and going all comedy in a few standout episodes, you'd think after the show ended she'd enter ScarJo or Megan Fox elite bombshell status.

But things haven't panned out for our former Slayer. Her career since the series ended has been filled with some rather odd acting choices. Her foray into horror seemed to be a good move since she played the lovely but totally gonna die Helen Shivers in I Know What You Did Last Summer. But after BtVS ended, it's been kinda downhill.

So let's see where her career jumped the shark shall we?

MID BtVS films

1.) Cruel Intentions (1999)

the jaded viewer says: Wowsers. She tries to seduce Ryan Philippe and instead makes all the guys take notice of her "assets". Good film, good vixen performance.

Career Prognosis: 9 (on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being Skinemax and 10 being an Oscar winner)

2.) Harvard Man (2001)

the jaded viewer says: Wowsers again. I never really watched the whole movie but she has a very awesome sex scene Mr. Skin would be proud of.

Career Prognosis: 8 (when a sex scene is your BEST scene, you're in trouble)

3.) Scooby Doo (2002)

the jaded viewer says: You just made a movie based on a cartoon. And the movie also starred your husband and a CGI animated talking dog. This is not a good move. You should have fired your agent.

Career Prognosis: 6 (How can we take you seriously when your dressed in purple?)

POST BtVS films

4.) Scooby Doo 2 (2004)

the jaded viewer says: You made a sequel to the cartoon CGI dog movie? Sigh.

Career Prognosis: 5.5 (Who is your agent? Bugs Bunny?)

5.) The Grudge (2006)

the jaded viewer says: Somebody had to star in all those J-horror American remakes. Not a bad performance, just a bad remake. Very boring and as scary as bumper cars at an amusement park. Wasn't Naomi Watts part open for The Ring?

Career Prognosis: 4 (You picked the worst of the j-horror remakes)

6.) Southland Tales (2006)

the jaded viewer says: OK I applaud the move here. Take a part in an ensemble cast in a quirky Richard Kelly movie. And yay! You played the stripper Krysta Now. Somehow this resulted in negative points as this movie sucked.

Career Prognosis: 3.5 (Good change of pace role, bad change of pace movie)

7.) The Return (2006)

the jaded viewer says: With her career falling rapidly, SMG decides to partake in psychological and supernatural horror films. These films are dull and boring and boring and dull. Did I also mention she's a brunette in these flicks? Booooooo.

Career Prognosis: 3 (I don't like brunette SMG)

8.) Possession (2009)

the jaded viewer says: Romantic love triangle turned supernatural thriller. I watched the trailer and I don't get it

Career Prognosis: 3 (Blonde SMG is back!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fun Fact! SMG did some voices for Robot Chicken. Her geek cred ups by +2!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9.) Veronika Decides to Die (2009)

the jaded viewer says: Supposedly a good drama movie. I haven't seen it but based upon IMDB users, let's say she gives a good performance.

Career Prognosis: 5 (+2 on the geek cred!)

10.) The Wonderful Maladys (2010)

the jaded viewer says: HBO pilot that was not picked up.

Career Prognosis: 4 (Maybe she could guest star on True Blood?)

-----------------------------

So what have we learned? She picked lousy Hollywood roles post Buffy. She picked lousy Hollywood horror movie roles post Buffy. She tried to take daring, uber indie roles post Buffy. But maybe SMG's personality has something to do with her selection in movies.

Via Wikipedia.

During her 2006 interview with Marie Claire, Gellar spoke about her thoughts on the movie industry for women. She spoke about her views on the roles of women in movies saying:

"You realize it's a very tough market for women. For me it's about getting roles where women get to do something active, not the girlfriend, not the wife. There are mainly two types of roles for us, women in-jeopardy films and romantic movies."

Hmm. That is true. Maybe SMG was looking for something different instead of the damsel in distress hence all the odd movie choices. In any case, it looks like she'll be out of the acting biz for a while as she and Freddy Prinze Jr. just had a baby girl named Charlotte.

Maybe it's not a spiral downward to irrelevancy for Sarah Michelle Gellar after all. Looks like it's a upward spin to relevancy for her and for her family.

Only time will tell. So Sarah, can you make a Buffy movie already?

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, sarah michelle gellar, southland tales, the ring

Vampire Rules 101 (or Vampire Self Defense for Beginners)

I've never seen Twilight and I have no intention of ever seeing this twat-tard of a trilogy. But I do have a fascination of the mythos of vampire lore. I'm not talking about ancient Lestaty type crap but the fact that popular culture (be it books, TV, film and the Interwebs) have given a bunch of rules for vampires to have to deal with.

Insano Steve hates any monsters or supernatural beings that are hindered by rules that prevent them from eating, devouring or killing helpless young teenagers. I agree. It's just a drag that vampires are now burdened by so many laws and barriers that prevent them from sinking their teeth into some young hottie.

So let's analyze a few of these supposed rules and weaknesses the present day vampire has to deal with.

1.) Sunlight

the jaded viewer says: Why does sunlight kill vampires? Nobody knows. This is just plain dumb. Ooooh creatures of the night right? Tons of good shit happens during the day. Baseball games, picnics. Vamps need to get some coffee too. Recent vampire lore has broken this rule recently. I mean honestly, this is such a freakin handicap for vamps it's totally unfair. Half their day is completely shot. Let's just waive this one from the books.

2.) Reflection not seen in mirror

the jaded viewer says: How does one comb ones hair? Just cross this rule out. Dude needs to shave and the femvamps need to apply makeup. Nobody wants to see an ugly vamp right?

3.) Holy Water

the jaded viewer says: Holy water don't work against werewolves, zombies or demons. Why vamps? This one is totally goofy. Next!

4.) Garlic

the jaded viewer says: In the history of monster mythos, only the vampire could be threatened by a white, smelly vegetable. Jeez.

5.) Silver

the jaded viewer says: Why not copper? How about gold? Nickel?


6.) Crosses

the jaded viewer says: In Dracula 2000, they pulled out the Judas card explaining vamps were descendants of Judas which is why they hate crosses because it reminds them of Judas's betrayal of Christ. But do you realize that all you need to do is put 2 sticks together and cross them and you got a ADT security system MacGyver style. How's a vamp going to get some when all you need to do is put your arms together and give the Degeneration X symbol?

6.) The Invitation

the jaded viewer says: Well this one begs the question of "What qualifies as a home where a blood sucker has to get invited too?" Say I got a vacation house in the Hamptons...am I still protected? And the invitation reply is so ambigious. How about if I don't make rent for the month...its not my home anymore technically. Can they still enter? Still gotta love the scene in Let the Right One In on the vamp invitation rule being broken by poor Eli. (Check out the scene here)

7.) Holy Ground

the jaded viewer says: They can't enter churches? How about synagogues? Mosques? Temples? How about if I have one of those "Bless my Cubicle" sign. Can they come in?

8.) Wooden Stakes

the jaded viewer says: Not much to say here but if vampires were real, Walmart would sell wooden stakes for $5.99.

9.) The whole counting grain thing

the jaded viewer says: Jeez. That's like forcing people to watch Ernest goes to Camp movies over and over again.

10.) Can't cross running water

the jaded viewer says: So if I'm being chased by a vamp and it starts to rain...I'm cool?

11.) Feed on blood or die

the jaded viewer says: Thank goodness for True Blood.

I can't think of the others. Maybe thats all of them. Honestly, all these rules have totally made vamps seriously disadvantaged. If you kill a vamp, it's like their civil rights have been fucked with. I mean yeah they got super human strength, awesome teeth and that living forever thing is kinda neat. But if they go outside, they're pretty much toast.

Blade 2's reapers kinda made some uber vamps a little more scary but the generic vamps are totally screwed. I'm sure we can rewrite some of these dumb rules and come up with a good list that keeps em a little evil and very frightening. Hell, get rid of all these rules and start fresh. I'm sure we can make a better, more intimidating creature of the night.

Finally, I think somebody should make zombies vs vampires. That would be a totally awesome monster PPV right?

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, let the right one in, twilight, vampire kids, vampires

The Thread: What's your horror movie idea?

It's Friday the 13th! Don't worry, this is not a Friday the 13th retrospective or anything. But I was thinking some of us (the horror bloggers) have watched a great deal of horror flicks. Some of us are even potential filmmakers. We've all said...I can make a better movie than that!

But really, do we actually have better ideas of what a good horror movie could be? Well I think I do. Hopefully nobody steals my idea, but if they do, please give me some damn credit.

Here is my idea for a flick. I got this inspiration after watching Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (which I ranked #1 in my Top Horror Movies of 2007). I also got some ideas after seeing the teaser posters for Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods. As you can tell from my writing style on my reviews and posts and reviewing Dollhouse, I'm a Whedonaniac. I just like the quirky dialogue and the funny convos and the characters he's written and created.

So my idea is a self aware horror film. What's it called?

It's called "Final Girl".

Basically its about a girl who learns how to defeat slashers (she learns her skills from an aging final girl and this is done via a gratuitous 80s montage) and goes from town to town and kills slasher legends who are killing dumb, oversexed and drug smoking teens.

Sounds generic right?

The twist here is she goes undercover, infiltrates the teens that are being stalked and slaughtered and then unleashes her final girl fury. She knows all the tricks of the trade. Like how to survive by not running aimlessly, she doesn't partake in any vices, she does the research necessary to kill the killer, she listens to the crazy old man and she's seen all the things other final girls have done to avoid death and survive.

Sorta like Buffy, but referencing final girls of other horror films, it'll be totally self aware. Possible winks to the audience of what they know. Everybody has written rules on how to survive a horror movie, but our main final girl will know all these rules and written a few of her own.

Obviously the sequel would be "Final Dude".

Well that's my idea. Now, I'm curious as to what yours would be? Do you have an idea for a horror movie or did you actually make a short or feature? If so, what was the story, the idea?

If you don't want to share because you think somebody will steal it...I totally understand. But if you had an idea for a horror movie that you think people would like to hear...please share.

So what's your story idea horror minions?

Categories: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, buffy the vampire slayer, final girl, horror movies, joss whedon, the thread

NYC Haunted House - Nightmare: Vampires (Super Scary Review)

First, I'd like to thank Tim and Rebeca Haskell for allowing me and my friends Rene from EntertainingEvil.com and his wife to experience a hell of a ride yesterday. It may be 30 days before Halloween but I got my scare on early. If you've arrived on the jaded viewer for the first time because of my initial coverage of Nightmare: Vampires from the press area of the official site, this is the post you've been waiting for. This is where I share my thoughts, reactions and whimpers of the whole damn thing.

Let me say straight out, I'm not going to reveal "the scares" or the twists and turns of Nightmare because, well it would just ruin the entire damn thing for you. What I'll try to explain is the feel, the look and the wonder of why this is the best haunted house experience you'll get this year.

Nightmare: Vampires is a live action, ARG of horror nightmares come to life. It's an uber sensory overload that heightens your hearing, vision, smell, touch and taste. You will scream, shout, laugh and be utterly mesmerized by the brilliance of each and every room. This isn't your Twilight vamps looking for misguided love folks. This is your legendary bloodsuckers and mythos vampires, living and breathing right in front of your face. Believe me, it's not for the faint of heart.

You know the old saying from Dawn of the Dead: "When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth". Well, that just describes this awesome haunted house in a nutshell.

Let's get the facts out of the way first.

(From the official site)

Now in its sixth year and at a new location, NIGHTMARE’S fully immersive haunted house takes haunting to a whole new level. Get ready to play your part in NIGHTMARE: VAMPIRES, a unique haunted attraction that unfolds as an original horror story! Set in the Museum of Vampyric Artifacts (MoVa), the world's first vampire museum features antiquities related to vampires from the headlines, in the media and from around the world. However, when MoVa and everyone in it are attacked by blood-lusting maniacs, you won’t just be viewing the exhibits on display…you’ll be running from them! Witness the birth of a new vampire legend!

As the description above says, you enter the fictional MoVA, where you learn more about the legend of the vampyres. From then on, it's on. If you have a cross, it's time to put it on.

Each room is a sight to behold. I decided to go and walk slowly and admire each carefully crafted set. If you decide to go, I suggest you do the same. The props, scenery and displays of horrific memorabilia are works of art. You will have never seen anything like it before. Think Saw sets, Dario Argento backdrops and churches on LSD. You can tell that the Haskell and his entire crew detailed everything to the minutia so that each room had a different look and feel of horror bliss.

OK, I know you've been waiting for me to write what the scares are like. Well you're not going to get anything from me. Let me just say, part of the brilliance of Nightmare is that it doesn't matter if you decide to be the first one to enter the room or the last. You're going to get so frightened you'll bump into the stranger next to you as you stagger back into the arms of your significant other.

After the tour had ended, I got to talk to Tim Haskell and he feels like this is one of his best years for the haunted house. But he also added they have a motto for the actors and that's "Don't just scare the girls". And these professionals are equal opportunity scarers. I guarantee even the alpha male manliest man will get the shit scared out of him at least once. I'll admit I did. You never know when its coming and as I examined each and every part of the room, I once almost #2-ed into my pants.

That's not to say there isn't something funny about it all. I was making snarky remarks to my friends and to the group of strangers who were with us in our "tour group". I was even addressing my remarks to the maniacs, crazies, vamped up ravers and insane asylum prisoners hoping I'd get a reaction. (BTW, one of the rules is the actors can't touch you and vice versa). Note to self. Don't do that. You'll get more than you bargained for.

To get the whole experience, you have to cowboy up and be brave. Standing in the middle of the pack is going to be a letdown if you don't interact with what's in each room. The actors are very effective in their ninja skills, their sideshow carnival shows and their yelling and screaming. Only once did I get some dialogue from the show. In addition, darkness is your ultimate mortal enemy in Nightmares. In comes into play in some interesting ways from room to room.

But what separates this mature rated haunted house experience from the others is the story. Sure, other haunted houses may touch you or jump out in a hockey mask or even gross you out with live pig intestines but at the end of the day, a perfectly crafted story gets you wrapped up with whats going on. And its 1 billion times more effective when you're a participant in the story!
That's the genius of Nightmares: Vampires. It really is like a live action alternate reality game where you play your part acting as pseudo"unfortunate teenagers" who must escape from the now chaotic museum.

I had never been to Tim Haskell's Nightmare haunted house before. I did hear about it but it's one of those things that if you're a New Yorker, you think you'll eventually go to sooner or later. I'm glad it was sooner. It can break the monotony of the week and is just as effective as watching a horror movie in Real 3D. The only difference is this 3D is living and breathing and getting your heart racing a million beats per second.

You are missing out if you don't partake in Nightmare: Vampires. If you're too scared too go, I'm sure if you dress up as Buffy or Van Helsing or Blade you'll be fine. Start carving your stakes, shining your silver and get your holy water ready. But please, leave the garlic at home.

The house opens on September 25th and runs to November 7th. It's located at the NOHO Event Center on 623 Broadway at Houston (enter on Mercer Street). Tickets are $30 (advance) or $35 at the door. More info here.

For more info head over to the official site. For some behind the scenes stuff, check out Tim Haskell's blog at iscareyou.com.

**If you decide to go...**

Getting the VIP tickets saves on time and the long line that's to be expected as we get closer to Halloween. Plus you get an awesome gift bag.

I went yesterday and got Guillermo Del Toro's vampire novel, The Strain!

Check out the promo page for the best time to go!

For the brave people who did go? What did you think? Comment away!

Here are some trailers to get you revved up. Boo!









the jaded viewer related linkage:

NYC Haunted House: Blood Manor (Super Scary Review)
Insano Steve vs Blood Manor (Review)
Thicker than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1 Review

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, nightmare vampires, nightmare vampires review, nyc haunted house, Scariest Movie Locales, vampire diaries, vampire kids, vampires

Dollhouse "Gray Hour" (TV Review)

Well it took until the 4th episode to actually get good too shoes, but finally Dollhouse seems to be getting good.

As I've been doing all season long, I've been reviewing the show for UGO.com.

Check out my latest review here or clicking on the picture of Eliza in tight leather.

Also, all episode reviews I've done can be found here.

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, dollhouse, dollhouse gray hour review, dollhouse review, dollhouse stage fright review, eliza dushku, joss whedon