Tuesday, January 05, 2010

The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009

I didn't see many of the considered worst movies of 2009. I realized that it would be a waste of money and I would go home with a serious headache if I had to endure 90 minutes of crap. So I didn't see Halloween 2, The Unborn and countless others.

I did go see a few of the Hollywood remakes and straight to DVD crap that came out and so I compiled a list of quotes of the worst movies of 2009 I did see. My advice to you is to avoid these movies at all costs. Sometimes the cover art looks good, possibly a hot chick on the cover looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, but in reality its 90 minutes of a girl looking at herself in the mirror.

Enjoy these LOLs quotes from the worst movies of 2009!

"Think of Against the Dark as the poor, bastard cousin of I am Legend. It's like 28 Days Later but with horrible acting, reusable vampire stuntmen and stuntwomen and Seagal barely lifting his sword in any action scenes."

-from Against the Dark Review

"These wasps don't have any creativity in them. All they came up with were sudden attacks in a house or an attack in the farmland which is lame. These motherfuckin wasps should be attacking teenagers while they are having sex. Or better yet stinging in unison some newborn or some 105 yr old grandma whose bolting on her walker."

-from Black Swarm Review

"She's so distraught by her mommy's death, she starts seeing hot blondes in Victoria Secret lingere. I wish that would happen to me when I'm sad."

-from Born Review

"Well she pushed the button which of course had to happen or there wouldn't be a movie right? I mean what would happen if she didn't? Would we watch a flick where Cameron Diaz went to work, has to choose b/w 2 different guys and hilarity ensues (like all her chick flick movies)"

-from The Box Review

3.) Your leg is now completely broken and you can have your wife do one of two things...

Send her to get help all alone and leave you to probably die a slow and painful death. Turn to page 76.

Have her amputate your leg with a rusty knife (yeah it's going to hurt a fuckin lot). Turn to page 54.

-from The Canyon Review

"I did mention the CGI was hilariously bad right? There are two scenes that make this milk coming out of your nose funny.....The other scene is a supposed explosion of a cabin. The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera."

-from Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten Review

"So as our 3 really dumb Brit chicks accept an offer from some rich, young Brit dudes to go aboard their yacht and do drugs, you can see this is going to Natalie Holloway into really bad fuckedupness."

-from Donkey Punch Review

"Really? 3 different endings in a span of 6 minutes? Pick one already!"

-from Dying Breed Review

"WTF?!?!? You never see the slasher run. EVER!!! He ALWAYS runs off screen to get ahead of the would be victim. That's why Jason would always be breathing heavily. Yeah I know he ran in Part 3 but its unfuckinbelievable they messed this shit up. It's in the fuckin slasher handbook."

-from Friday the 13th Remake Review

"It's a PG-13 rash of suicides movie. I didn't think that was even possible...."

-from From Within Review

"Is there a scene where one of them says "We can lose him in the woods."?.....When has a victim fodder ever thought they could outrun a killer in the woods? I mean honestly."

-from Gnaw Review

"The dialogue is cluttered with every vulgarity and sexual nastiness you can think of. Blowtorch mediaval torture. What else can I say?"

from Hanger Review

"It literally was 90 minutes of the dude acting nuts. Sure you can bang some Euro chick and then add a twist ending. But seriously, how does one get funding for a lame Shining ripoff."

-from Killing Ariel Review

"Let me say this. I've never seen a bog. Seems like a puddle of muddy water to me. How you can possibly justify a movie about bog bodies coming to life is unfuckinbelievable."

-from Legend of the Bog Review

"Also, after a while I got used to the 3D and it loses it's novelty....By the end, it started giving me a headache. And it's not like the 3D is that amazing. I was kinda expecting the stuff to literally fly out of the screen like in the commercial. I had read that the 3D gore would 'kick my ass', and the 3D nudity was so good, I could "cop a feel". Shit would change my life. Not quite."

-from Insano Steve's My Bloody Valentine 3D Review

"But remember, this is a man vs nature theme and both husband and wife take part in "messing with nature". From killing ants, throwing plastic bags and beer bottles into the ocean, to smashing eagle's eggs, they are the environment's public enemy #1. The final straw is broken when Peter kills a sea cow with his rifle. You just don't mess with sea cows."

-from Nature's Grave Review

"The fight scenes are badly executed, the dialogue a little cheesy and the costumes look like they were bought at a less than a dollar store."

-from Jack Ketchum's Offspring Review

"The reveal/twist lasts for 20 minutes! OMG, it was such overkill I can't believe they actually did that. We flashback into all the subtle conversation hints YOU should have picked up on while eating your $6 bag of popcorn."

-from A Perfect Getaway Review

"A few of the kill scenes are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about."

-from Perkins 14 Review

Cruelaity #1: Alan (a staff member) ridicules and belittles Ronnie at every moment.
The Comeback Kill: Alan becomes the unfortunate victim of penis fishing as his wanker is ripped off by some fishing line attached to a jeep. (that's gonna be some bait!)

-from Return to Sleepaway Camp Review

"After a walking tour of a festival, their tour guide Ping abandons them in the middle of Nowhere, China. You’d think a country filled with a billion people would not have any nowheres. But you’d be wrong."

-from Seventh Moon Review

"The horrible filler of bad acting, from moonshine dialogue and hunting references, can't be ignored. The attacks by our Wild Man make a SyFy channel original movie look like a masterpiece."

-from Wild Man of the Navidad Review

"But that's where it slowly tumbles downhill. But that's not to say the tumble isn't fun. The thing about Wrong Turn 3 is your enjoying yourself while all the characters start dropping one by one. At the bottom of the hill however is a pile of corpses and you can't believe you actually witnessed this stinking pile of crap."

-from Wrong Turn 3 Review

Hope you enjoyed that quoteable quotes list. Don't worry, my Best Horror Movies of 2009 list will be posted later this week!


  1. I can't believe you actually watched Gnaw! I can only imagine how bad it was...I always see it on my Netflix and think about it for a second, then I think "NO!" I commend you!

    I also have given you an award for your greatness over here at The Jaded Viewer at my blog...whether or not you want to participate is up to you, but you deserve it!


  2. I picked your blog for an award/meme thingy! lol You don't have to do what it says but I wanted you to know about it.


  3. Hahaha good stuff as always. You linked me to some good reviews I missed. Thanks! It looks like it's three times a charm with these awards, because I have one for you too! http://horroreffect.blogspot.com/2010/01/tis-season-for-awards.html

  4. Thanks all for the nomination nods. Makes me feel all special. I will return the favor as soon as I get this damn top 10 list I've compiled this week out of the way. It's like I've been working on it for weeks (wait I have).

    Its nice to be acknowledged by the horror blogosphere.

    If I ever were to be at a camp where a murderous hockey mask slasher was slaughtering innocent teens, I'd hope it'd be with you guys and gals.

  5. I would have to agree with the Black Swarm review, wasps should only sting hot naked chicks all day every day. Stupid wasps.

    Great picks here JV, I cant wait to see what terrible movies 2010 brings us!!