Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Random List of things you DON'T see in horror movies


  • A fat, black final girl
  • An Asian kid kung fu-ing a slasher
  • A slasher running on screen chasing teenagers
  • A fully functioning GPS on a road trip
  • A fully charged cell phone
  • A slasher married with 2 kids and a dog
  • Full on penetration
  • A kid that doesn't whisper in Satanic verses
  • A bunch of teens who listen to "the crazy old man telling them about the killer" and then hightail out of the woods and to a McDonald's
  • A McDonald's
  • A slasher who chases a victim around a studio apartment
  • A hot, slutty vixen staying fully clothed
  • A final guy who is gay
  • A car with a full tank of gas
  • Inbred rednecks that are misunderstood
  • Monsters who do minimal damage when they visit a highly populated city
  • Google as a search engine when they do research
  • A fat kid outrunning a slasher
  • Ghosts who realize they are actually ghosts
  • An amateur camera guy who can keep the camera steady
  • The public trusting the government during a crisis
  • Guidos
  • A mutant ostrich with a taste for human flesh
  • Zombies who crave only Canadian human flesh
  • A shower that doesn't fog the shit out of the bathroom
  • Somebody Wikipedia-ing something
  • Vampires who look like hipsters
  • A massacre at a baseball game
  • Small towns with hidden secrets
  • Were-bunnies
  • Blood thirst demons that look like Casper
  • Asians
  • People from Madagascar
  • Mad scientists who are looking for a cure for AIDS
  • A likable jock douchebag
  • Non gratuitous nudity
  • A post apocalyptic world where future people dress normally
  • A Jewish, blonde slutbomb
  • "We shouldn't split up"
  • Prescription drug use
  • A movie that's not a remake
OK some of these you could call me out on so go ahead and let me know in the comments. Want to add your own? Go ahead. I just wrote what popped in my head. Let me know what else I missed. Comment away!

13 comments:

  1. Does AntiChrist count as a horror movie because there was some full on penetration in THAT.

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  2. * A non-Apple laptop computer.

    Actually, that one's true in just about any genre. :P

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  3. Some of those can be debated, but that was an awesome list sir.

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  4. Those were pretty hilarious picks. I don't know if I could add in some of my own because you pretty much covered everything. Oh wait, I think I got some.

    "The killer going to the bathroom."

    "Smart victims."

    "Teenage characters played by actual teenage actors."

    "People that don't trip and fall while running away from the killer."

    That's about all that I can come up with. Great post, it was quite funny reading your picks. Cheers!

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  5. Thanks to you all... good picks yourself Atroxion. I esp liked "Teenage characters played by actual teenage actors." Good stuff.

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  6. "A mutant ostrich with a taste for human flesh"...write it...now!

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  7. Summer project: make a movie containing as many of these as possible.
    A) It would be awesome.
    B) It would be a really shitty movie. (Attack of the Zombie Ostriches who Only Eat Canadians - created by mad scientists who were trying to find a cure for aids in a post-apocalyptic world where all clothes are made by Polo Sport and Banana Republic, all food is from Mickey D's, and populated by very nice, fit, joggers, with good family lives given the situation, who are serial slashers in secret, in small towns, and live next-door to misunderstood gay rednecks and their best friends, black girls who eat nothing but Mickey D's, and normal, happy kids, and...erm...a kung-fu convention is in town? Also: Mickey D's and Polo own the scientists AND the well-maintained Satellite network, and the only web sites still running: Google, Wikipedia, and Blogger [so we can have a JadedViewer cameo], and where laws concerning decency are obeyed, so no one is naked, and Judaism is the popular religion, and... there are Ghosts of people who were killed in the apocalypse but know it, and some of them are old guy ghosts who offer advice which is always obeyed...and all Hot Topic merch except the Foxy Shazam stuff is gone, so the vamps have to wear shirts from Foxy and look kinda' like hipsters, and they smoke pot to ward off the blood cravings, and run an efficient and trusted government system as much as they can given the circumstances, and have given everyone the leg things from Portal to prevent tripping and other such problems which no one has time to deal with given the state of things, and Eli Roth plays himself, and Wallace and Gromit make a guest appearance...and...and...I'm out. This movie is going to be AWESOME.)

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  8. H.B. - HAHAHAHAHAHHA That is freakin awesome. My cameo would rock. I'd also like President Obama to do the Samuel L. Jackson Snakes on a Plane line.

    Oh and I'd have a scene where we make Platinum Dunes execs watch Uwe Boll movies. Now thats horror.

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  9. A slasher who gets lost in the streets/woods.

    Farting and followed by shit-yer-pants diahoerrea moment.

    women actually putting on a decent pair of sneakers.

    slasher/etc with a 40 a-day-niccotine habit ("oh fuck i'm lost, best light another 5 up")

    nice weather with clear skies.

    belt key ring chains

    With the arrival of new people, the group actually surviving more than a week.

    LED torches.

    that'll do for now..

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  10. Hahaha Rhino...seriously good stuff. Let's go to Camp Crystal Lake..wait let me get my heels!

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  11. A final fat black girl- Check out Camp Slaughter aka Camp Haze or Daze? 3 stars out of 4. It shocked the heck out of me when it was down to the black girl and the white girl and they kill the white girl! I was like YES!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! Alex Pucci is a horror filmmaker I love b/c he isn't afraid to take risks. Also in the same film, the guy from Kyle whatever it's name that aired on ABC Family playing a realistic gay person.

    Fraternity Massacre on Hell Island - the final guy is gay. All the straight guys get killed in the film! 2.5 stars out of 4. In the same film, their is a chorus line of ghosts who are out to get someone to take their place so that they don't have to be stuck doing it every night. This title is available at Blockbuster it just came out in April. It is billed as a homo slasher, but only 2 of the main characters are gay.

    Frat House Massacre- has a main character who dies, so he takes over the body of his younger brother who was in a coma. 3 stars also. From director Alex Pucci yet again.

    Reviews for all of those films are on my site bigdaddyhorrorreviews.com

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  12. Nice counters Big Daddy. I will totally try to check out these flicks. See I knew I was wrong on a few of these things and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

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  13. I was all snickers until I hit the Google one, then it was just outright laughter. Thanks. The wife thinks Im crazy now. The kid probably does too

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