I've never seen Twilight and I have no intention of ever seeing this twat-tard of a trilogy. But I do have a fascination of the mythos of vampire lore. I'm not talking about ancient Lestaty type crap but the fact that popular culture (be it books, TV, film and the Interwebs) have given a bunch of rules for vampires to have to deal with.
Insano Steve hates any monsters or supernatural beings that are hindered by rules that prevent them from eating, devouring or killing helpless young teenagers. I agree. It's just a drag that vampires are now burdened by so many laws and barriers that prevent them from sinking their teeth into some young hottie.
So let's analyze a few of these supposed rules and weaknesses the present day vampire has to deal with.
the jaded viewer says: Why does sunlight kill vampires? Nobody knows. This is just plain dumb. Ooooh creatures of the night right? Tons of good shit happens during the day. Baseball games, picnics. Vamps need to get some coffee too. Recent vampire lore has broken this rule recently. I mean honestly, this is such a freakin handicap for vamps it's totally unfair. Half their day is completely shot. Let's just waive this one from the books.
2.) Reflection not seen in mirror
the jaded viewer says: How does one comb ones hair? Just cross this rule out. Dude needs to shave and the femvamps need to apply makeup. Nobody wants to see an ugly vamp right?
3.) Holy Water
the jaded viewer says: Holy water don't work against werewolves, zombies or demons. Why vamps? This one is totally goofy. Next!
the jaded viewer says: In the history of monster mythos, only the vampire could be threatened by a white, smelly vegetable. Jeez.
the jaded viewer says: Why not copper? How about gold? Nickel?
the jaded viewer says: In Dracula 2000, they pulled out the Judas card explaining vamps were descendants of Judas which is why they hate crosses because it reminds them of Judas's betrayal of Christ. But do you realize that all you need to do is put 2 sticks together and cross them and you got a ADT security system MacGyver style. How's a vamp going to get some when all you need to do is put your arms together and give the Degeneration X symbol?
6.) The Invitation
the jaded viewer says: Well this one begs the question of "What qualifies as a home where a blood sucker has to get invited too?" Say I got a vacation house in the Hamptons...am I still protected? And the invitation reply is so ambigious. How about if I don't make rent for the month...its not my home anymore technically. Can they still enter? Still gotta love the scene in Let the Right One In on the vamp invitation rule being broken by poor Eli. (Check out the scene here)
7.) Holy Ground
the jaded viewer says: They can't enter churches? How about synagogues? Mosques? Temples? How about if I have one of those "Bless my Cubicle" sign. Can they come in?
8.) Wooden Stakes
the jaded viewer says: Not much to say here but if vampires were real, Walmart would sell wooden stakes for $5.99.
9.) The whole counting grain thing
the jaded viewer says: Jeez. That's like forcing people to watch Ernest goes to Camp movies over and over again.
10.) Can't cross running water
the jaded viewer says: So if I'm being chased by a vamp and it starts to rain...I'm cool?
11.) Feed on blood or die
the jaded viewer says: Thank goodness for True Blood.
I can't think of the others. Maybe thats all of them. Honestly, all these rules have totally made vamps seriously disadvantaged. If you kill a vamp, it's like their civil rights have been fucked with. I mean yeah they got super human strength, awesome teeth and that living forever thing is kinda neat. But if they go outside, they're pretty much toast.
Blade 2's reapers kinda made some uber vamps a little more scary but the generic vamps are totally screwed. I'm sure we can rewrite some of these dumb rules and come up with a good list that keeps em a little evil and very frightening. Hell, get rid of all these rules and start fresh. I'm sure we can make a better, more intimidating creature of the night.
Finally, I think somebody should make zombies vs vampires. That would be a totally awesome monster PPV right?
**Hello fellow Redditors, it seems you are all curious of this haunted house that other haunted houses are afraid of. I'll be posting m...
With the remake of The Last House on the Left coming out today, I'd figure I'd get you noobs caught up on this subgenre of exploitat...
**Hello fellow Redditors, it seems you are all curious of this haunted house that other haunted houses are afraid of. I'll be posting ...
It's now a bicoastal phenomenon. When I first started writing these walkthroughs in 2010 and 2011 , they were more so therapy for m...
. . . **Hello fellow Redditors, it seems you are all curious of this haunted house that other haunted houses are afraid of. I'll ...
courtesy of Blackout Haunted House Well a lot has happened since I posted my 2011 review of Blackout Haunted House. Blackout made the f...
[This is just a review of Blackout Elements. A spoiler filled walkthrough will follow after the show's run ends.] Well if you'r...
I rarely cover comedies on the jaded viewer but having rewatched EuroTrip for like the 10th time because of Showtime, I have to make sure y...
"I'm being toyed with by a bunch of depraved children" - Nicholas Van Orton (The Game, 1997) PROLOGUE I've alw...
Mediatrix Mediatrix (2011) Directed by Cory Udler I'm pretty positive Cory Udler is not a big fan of organized religion. Udler, the...
- ► 2013 (41)
- ► 2012 (78)
- ► 2011 (156)
- ► 2010 (237)
- Hanger (Review)
- Thanksgiving means killing poultry! (Poultrygeist'...
- Universal Soldier: Regeneration (Trailer)
- Ink (Review)
- Vampire Rules 101 (or Vampire Self Defense for Beg...
- The Canyon (Review)
- Wapakman (Official Trailer)
- The Shortround: Wade (Review)
- Samurai Princess (Trailer and DVD Release)
- The Thread: What's your horror movie idea?
- Grand Theft Auto 4's Super Duper Megatastic Empori...
- The Local (Review)
- The Shortround: Fireman (Short)
- Wrong Turn 3 (Review)
- 2009 NYC Horror Film Festival (Featured Films)
- The Wonderful Crapiness of Chiller TV
- Penance (Trailer)
- Hanger (Trailer)
- The Shortround: The Scare Game Episode 1: The Scar...
- The Shortround: The Puzzle
- ▼ November (20)
- ► 2008 (178)
- ► 2007 (21)
2014 Haunted House Reviews
The WTF Lists
2006-2014 The Jaded Viewer. Powered by Blogger.