Hot girls in tight tank tops stranded in the desert should be in 3D (Thirst Trailer)

Thirst, not to be confused with Chan-wook Park's vampire film Thirst, is so your standard Hollywood straight to DVD flick, it's so easy to make fun of. The greenlight process of a flick like this has gotta involve a conversation between studio execs that sorta goes like this:

Studio Exec A: "So we got a budget of a few million for a horror film, what should we make?"
Studio Exec B: "How about a horror movie where some young, good looking B-list actors get stranded somewhere in the middle of America without any cell phone coverage?"
Studio Exec A: "Yes, that's perfect. How about we strand them in the desert? We won't have to make any sets for that and save some money."
Studio Exec B: "You read my mind. But this sounds familiar. Didn't they already make this?"
Studio Exec A: "Yeah it was called The Canyon, but that starred that hot chick from Chuck. INSTEAD, we'll have 2 hot chicks and a couple of generic white guys."
Studio Exec B: "That's totally original. The horror fans will we blown away by this concept"
Studio Exec A: "We gotta have the hot chicks in bikinis. Because according to our research, Males 18-34 love hot chicks in bikinis."
Studio Exec B: "Agreed"
Studio Exec A: "So I'm thinking their van will be spooked by a wild animal, crash and they will lack a spare tire and any food or water. You know man vs nature stuff...like that movie where they got stranded in the ocean"
Studio Exec B: "Open Water"
Studio Exec A: "Exactly. We'll have them battle rattlesnakes, coyotes and all sorts of desert enemies."
Studio Exec B: "But in the end, the thing that will kill them is themselves"
Studio Exec A: "Nah I think it should be coyotes that kill them"
Studio Exec B: "OK, we'll see about that. Who can we get to star in this?"
Studio Exec A: "How about that girl from Mean Girls?"
Studio Exec B: "Umm she's kinda a drug addict sir"
Studio Exec A: "No the other one"
Studio Exec B: "She's way out of our budget after she was in that Megan Fox movie"
Studio Exec A: "No the other girl"
Studio Exec B: "Umm sir, Ms. McAdams would be quite expensive for this movie"
Studio Exec A: "OK lets go with that last hot girl...Lacey something"
Studio Exec B: "Lacey Charbert. Yes she is quite attractive and she's made a generic holiday horror movie already. Also, I'm sure we can get the blonde vampire from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, she was in Hatchet you know"
Studio Exec A: "Yes, she would be perfect. For the guys, hire anybody. Nobody cares about the guys in these movies"
Studio Exec B: "Very good sir"
Studio Exec A: "Can we make this in 3D?"
Studio Exec B: "What would be in 3D, the cleavage sir? It would just be to much money to do in 3D."
Studio Exec A: "Dammit, our research says males 18-34 love 3D. OK, if it can't be in 3D were going to have to add more rattlesnakes and coyotes."
Studio Exec B: "I will get on that right away sir"
Studio Exec A: "Horror fans will love this film! It's totally original and has hot chicks in bikinis. We're going to make tons of money!"

You know I'm 100% on the money that's the conversation that went on. So here be the plot for Thirst, which gets released on DVD June 22nd.

Thirst tells the story of two couples who suddenly find themselves lost and alone deep within the California desert. As each sweltering day leads to the next, social norms unravel. Soon their thirst for water begins to dominate and define their love, as primal survival forces peel away all remnants of civilized social veneer.

Well sometimes you gotta forgo civilized social veneer when your dying. Here's hoping it gets too hot and they do away with the tank tops.

Without further ado, here is the trailer.

Hot chicks in bikinis!!!

Categories: gratuitous nudity, lacey chabert, the canyon, thirst, thirst trailer, tourist horror, vacation horror

More Gimmicky Horror: Cut (Trailer)

Maybe the jaded UK horror viewers have seen this movie already. So do chime in if you have. But here is yet another example of a horror movie using a gimmick to draw attention to itself. Nope it's not in 3D, nor does it have a viral marketing machine and it isn't a faux documentary or bill itself as "based on true events".

Nope, that's not the gimmick. The gimmick is this:

The entire movie is shot with one continuous take for 62 minutes.

I gotta admit, it does sound damn intriguing. So what's Cut all about?

Five friends return from a cocktail party to a cottage deep inside the English woods of the Peak District. Having brushed off the notion of urban legends as rubbish, never occurring in reality, our protagonist's slowly find themselves weaving through their very own horror story.

Well lets just say its a home invasion flick, one long continous home invasion flick ala The Strangers, Vacancy and Ils aka Them. I'll say this , well because it's next.

Without any cuts, it actually might work. No jump scares, no rapid edited shots of "slasher" and "victim". Then again, what are they going to fill the time with? I mean it seems like it would be boring to see the characters talk about...well EVERYTHING. How the hell are they gonna scare us without cuts? (no pun intended)

Some reviews are in and though slightly negative, the consensus is the gimmick is sorta effective. Well we'll be the judge of that. Check out the mile a minute, very much edited trailer below. What do you think? Can a gimmick like this actually work?

Categories: 2010 horror movies, home invasion movies, the strangers, them, them ils, UK horror, vacancy, vacation horror

A Perfect Getaway (Review)

A Perfect Getaway

A Perfect Getaway

Directed by David Twohy

Well I've watched most of the movies made in the "tourist hell vacation" subgenre of horror. I know you've seen them too.

Turistas, The Ruins, Hostel, Wolf Creek, Open Water, Splinter, Donkey Punch.

There are a ton more that I haven't mentioned but you get the point. So it would be interesting to see what we'd get when Pitch Black director David Twohy, teamed up with Steve Zahn (It's the guy from Suburbia and Joy Ride!) and Milla Jovovich (It's Alice! from Resident Evil) would come up with. Would we get Turistas Part 2? Ugh. The Ruins Part 2? Win!

Oddly enough, A Perfect Getaway is neither. It's one of those movies that's sits on the border of slightly above average and generic, cloned copies of tourist-horror flicks. It's a mixed bag of nuts. So pack up your bags were going on vacation!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Two pairs of lovers - Cliff (Zahn) and Cydney (Jovovich), and Nick (Olyphant) and Gina (Sanchez) - on a Hawaiian vacation discover that psychopaths are stalking and murdering tourists on the islands. Cliff and Cydney are an adventurous young couple celebrating their honeymoon by backpacking to one of the most beautiful and remote beaches in Hawaii.

Hiking the wild, secluded trails, they believe they've found paradise. But when the pair comes across a group of frightened hikers discussing the horrifying murder of another newlywed couple on the islands, they begin to question whether they should turn back. Unsure whether to stay or flee, Cliff and Cydney join up with two other couples, and things begin to go terrifyingly wrong.

Far from civilization or rescue, everyone begins to look like a threat and nobody knows whom to trust. Paradise becomes hell on earth as a brutal battle for survival begins.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The question you automatically ask yourself in a flick like this (after watching the trailer) is:

WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO BE THE KILLER OR KILLERS?

There's going to be lots of twists and turns and I Nostradamus-ed a guess before I watched it. I wrote it down and sealed it in an envelope. After the film started I started second guessing myself and you know what? My first instinct was dead right.

Because I came home, ripped open that envelope and it said the killers would be......

Oh c'mon dude. I'm not going to reveal that in the review...jeez.

But trust me, go with your gut on guessing who dunnit. It's usually right.

But back to the review. Cliff and Cydney are the first couple we meet and they seem to be the most odd matchup you'll ever see. Really Zahn hooked up with the Jovovich? That's like hitting grand slam in the World Series of hookups. They are in Hawaii, taking in the sights and beaching and vacationing it up.

After encountering "red snapper" #1 (you'll get this inside joke when you see the movie) Cleo and Kale, they soon find out a couple has been killing newlywed couples in Hawaii. Soon they suspect each couple they encounter could be the "Mickey and Mallory" like killers. They then meet "red snapper"couple #2 Nick (Olyphant, it's the arch criminal from Die Harder!) and the uber hot Gina (it's Kiele Sanchez, Nikki from Nikki and Paulo on Lost) and Nicko turns out be a man of mystery. Olyphant's character is by far the most interesting of the four. He tells Cliff and Cyd of his adventures in special operations for the military. A jack of all trades, he hunts, he spews advice and he drops many subtle foreshadowing hints via his conversations.

Soon one of our couples gets taken into custody and we are left to figure out who among the 4 remaining vacationers is the evilest of the evil doers. The first hour of the movie is done well, I had no complaints. It actually had a feel that it was self aware that it was a "vacation turns awry" horror movie. Cliff is a popular screenwriter and Nick tells him stories he can write about as they all hike to a beach on the island. It's parodying the 3 act movie structure, the "red snapper" aka the "red herring" where a characters or characters are introduced "to fuck things up". The dialogue throughout the movie hints at these inside jokes. But as Hollywood is cliched, we do get some jump scares to get your heart racing for the tween crowd. But here is where we hit turbulence.

The thing is the last 30 or 40 minutes slowly jellos into the generic "HA HA! We fooled you with our awesome twist!" holiday in hell horror movie. In the middle of this is a 20 minute or so reveal (complete with black and white flashbacks, really??? because we jabronis can't tell a flashback if it's NOT in B/W?) Read that last sentence.

The reveal/twist lasts for 20 minutes! OMG, it was such overkill I can't believe they actually did that. We flashback into all the subtle conversation hints YOU should have picked up on while eating your $6 bag of popcorn. By then, you know how the movie is ultimately going to end and any steam you had for the flick of not being a carbon copy of the genre was gone.

Zahn plays the quirky dork quite well while Jovovich emotes as much as a video game character. Sanchez is very Kate-like (Kate from Lost) in her determination but it's Olyphant who steals the show with his macho GI-Joe Jedi tough guy.

The visuals are very stunning, as Hawaii is a place where any douchebag with a digital camera can take a great picture. In the end though, you get what you paid for.

A Perfect Getaway is your vacation from the other horror subgenres. It's not a killer child, or a unkillable slasher flick. It's not about a gypsy curse or a rape and revenge movie. And it most certainly does not have any zombies or vampires in it.

It's a perfect example of "Don't go on vacation or you'll die" horror and though it seemed like it would be different, it turned out ultimately the same.

Sorta like how all vacations end up being.


Gore-ipedia

Sliced Hands
Dental trauma
Gunshots

Nude-ipedia

Partial Kiele Sanchez nudity
Partial Milla Jovovich nudity

WTF moment

The 20 minute or so reveal


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you're going on vacation soon, this movie probably won't end up as the in flight movie. But it sorta feels like it would end up as one. I had high hopes for this flick, but like all vacations of mine it usually ends up like the following:

1.) Way excited ("Holy shit! I'm on vacation! Fuck work!")
2.) Tons of shit to do, so little time ("Holy shit! There's so much fun shit to do, but I have such little time")
3.) Don't drink the water ("Fuck me, I drank the water. I think I can still go swi....where's the fuckin bathroom!")
4.) Recovery, then the indulgence of food ("Did I really eat that entire pig?")
5.) The trip back home ("I hope my new Tiki doll gives me good luck. Thanks Greg Brady!")

Well that's pretty much sums up my feelings of The Perfect Getaway.

Check out Evil Adam's review as well. Thanks to him I was able to get to an early screening.

Rating:

Tags:
a perfect getaway, a perfect getaway trailer , a perfect getaway review , 2009 horror movies, the ruins, turistas, killer doll, gratuitous nudity, milla jovovich, vacation horror, tourist horror, horror blog

Categories: 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, a perfect getaway, a perfect getaway review, milla jovovich, steve zahn, the ruins, tourist horror, turistas, vacation horror