Cloverfield (Review)

Cloverfield

Cloverfield (2008)
Directed by Matt Reeves

Fuckin Cloverfield. In a previous post, I speculated and tried to predict what the Cloverfield monster would be. I went out on a limb and said it was the Lake Champlain monster, Champ.

Of course I was fuckin wrong.

And then I saw the frakin movie and it made me dizzy and nauseous.

Fuck you Cloverfield.



To tell you the truth. I didn't really like it. I saw it like the mindless atomoton jabroni masses and got caught up with the freakin hype.

And so for about 80 minutes I watched the following:

1.) Hipsters acting like freakin hipsters and making hipster references for the YouTube crowd

2.) Hipsters running away from the big, giant lobster monster

3.) Hipsters in love doing dumb shit to move the plot along

4.) Hipsters reading off of a very badly written script and making corny hipster jokes

5.) Hipsters making a mockery of the subway system (Spring to fuckin Lexington? WTF?)

6.) Hipsters acting like a big giant space monster isn't important enough to film while on a rooftop that gives you clear view of the freakin thing

7.) Hipsters dying (that was my favorite part of the movie)

Ooooooo. There's a space transmission at the end. Ooooooooooo. The asteroid carrying the monster is in the last scene.

WHO THE FUCK CARES???

This is a monster movie without an awesome monster. So in between scenes of hipsters running around, you see glimpses of what can only be a lobster that shits out lobster babies. Wow.

And boy does the US Military kinda suck when it comes to killing a lobster.

No origin of the monster is explained. Just 9/11 like carnage Godzilla style. For somebody who actually was on the streets of Manhattan on 9/11, I don't need a reminder.

So suffice ot to say, Cloverfield is clovercrap.

If you want to see a monster movie, see The Host. Now that's a monster movie.

Rating:

Tags:
movie review of the day, Cloverfield , american horror , cloverfield monster revealed, cloverfield transmission, hipsters dying, splatter, gore

Categories: cloverfield, cloverfield ending, cloverfield monster revealed, cloverfield review, cloverfield transmission, hipsters dying, pictures of cloverfield monster, the host