Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hot girls in tight tank tops stranded in the desert should be in 3D (Thirst Trailer)

Thirst, not to be confused with Chan-wook Park's vampire film Thirst, is so your standard Hollywood straight to DVD flick, it's so easy to make fun of. The greenlight process of a flick like this has gotta involve a conversation between studio execs that sorta goes like this:

Studio Exec A: "So we got a budget of a few million for a horror film, what should we make?"
Studio Exec B: "How about a horror movie where some young, good looking B-list actors get stranded somewhere in the middle of America without any cell phone coverage?"
Studio Exec A: "Yes, that's perfect. How about we strand them in the desert? We won't have to make any sets for that and save some money."
Studio Exec B: "You read my mind. But this sounds familiar. Didn't they already make this?"
Studio Exec A: "Yeah it was called The Canyon, but that starred that hot chick from Chuck. INSTEAD, we'll have 2 hot chicks and a couple of generic white guys."
Studio Exec B: "That's totally original. The horror fans will we blown away by this concept"
Studio Exec A: "We gotta have the hot chicks in bikinis. Because according to our research, Males 18-34 love hot chicks in bikinis."
Studio Exec B: "Agreed"
Studio Exec A: "So I'm thinking their van will be spooked by a wild animal, crash and they will lack a spare tire and any food or water. You know man vs nature that movie where they got stranded in the ocean"
Studio Exec B: "Open Water"
Studio Exec A: "Exactly. We'll have them battle rattlesnakes, coyotes and all sorts of desert enemies."
Studio Exec B: "But in the end, the thing that will kill them is themselves"
Studio Exec A: "Nah I think it should be coyotes that kill them"
Studio Exec B: "OK, we'll see about that. Who can we get to star in this?"
Studio Exec A: "How about that girl from Mean Girls?"
Studio Exec B: "Umm she's kinda a drug addict sir"
Studio Exec A: "No the other one"
Studio Exec B: "She's way out of our budget after she was in that Megan Fox movie"
Studio Exec A: "No the other girl"
Studio Exec B: "Umm sir, Ms. McAdams would be quite expensive for this movie"
Studio Exec A: "OK lets go with that last hot girl...Lacey something"
Studio Exec B: "Lacey Charbert. Yes she is quite attractive and she's made a generic holiday horror movie already. Also, I'm sure we can get the blonde vampire from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, she was in Hatchet you know"
Studio Exec A: "Yes, she would be perfect. For the guys, hire anybody. Nobody cares about the guys in these movies"
Studio Exec B: "Very good sir"
Studio Exec A: "Can we make this in 3D?"
Studio Exec B: "What would be in 3D, the cleavage sir? It would just be to much money to do in 3D."
Studio Exec A: "Dammit, our research says males 18-34 love 3D. OK, if it can't be in 3D were going to have to add more rattlesnakes and coyotes."
Studio Exec B: "I will get on that right away sir"
Studio Exec A: "Horror fans will love this film! It's totally original and has hot chicks in bikinis. We're going to make tons of money!"

You know I'm 100% on the money that's the conversation that went on. So here be the plot for Thirst, which gets released on DVD June 22nd.

Thirst tells the story of two couples who suddenly find themselves lost and alone deep within the California desert. As each sweltering day leads to the next, social norms unravel. Soon their thirst for water begins to dominate and define their love, as primal survival forces peel away all remnants of civilized social veneer.

Well sometimes you gotta forgo civilized social veneer when your dying. Here's hoping it gets too hot and they do away with the tank tops.

Without further ado, here is the trailer.

Hot chicks in bikinis!!!


  1. Brilliant post. I'm 110% positive that conversation went down as well. Although being out in the California desert, maybe they'd be attacked by a wild man from the Burning Man fest. Talk about spooky AND original.

  2. I know there was something I was going to say about this, but that last picture made me forget it - hehe boobies...

  3. Totally CTK. I'm sure the ending will show them like 3 miles away from Vegas or something twisty retarded.

    Jay - Her boobies are real and they're spectacular.

  4. Maybe recycling ideas and remaking films isnt such a bad idea after all...

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