The Top 10 Characters from Kevin Smith's ViewAskewniverse

[originally posted on my old blog leftover thoughts on 2/23/05. Smith had not yet made Clerks, 2 when I wrote this]

Why a list of the top 10 characters from the ViewAskewniverse? Why the hell not? I've actually never seen one myself so who better to do it than me?. I'm pretty sure you've seen all these movies. If not, go rent all of them (except Mallrats) For you poor schmucks who have never even heard of Kevin Smith's movies, here's the list: Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and the soon to be made Clerks 2.

He also made Jersey Girl. But let's pretend that never happened.

Trivia Time! Mallrats takes place on Saturday, Clerks takes place the day after and Chasing Amy the day after that. So with that on to the list....

10.) Caitleen Bree

Highlights:

• Engaged to an Asian Design Major
• Did it with Rick Derris
• Fucked a dead guy

Memorable Quote:

"Well I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick!"

9.) Brodie Bruce

Highlights:

• Avid Comic Book Collector
• Likes to fart during fellatio
• Has a cousin named Walter
  

Memorable Quote:

"It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?"

8.) Olaf Oleeson aka "The Russian Metalhead"

Highlights:

• From Russia
• In a band called Fuckin Yankee Blue Jeans
• Loves to sing the song "Bezerker"

Memorable Quote:

"My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!"

7.) Jay

Highlights:

• Drug dealer, pot smoker and prophet
• Likes monkeys
• Heterosexual lifemate is Silent Bob
  

Memorable Quote:

"All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob."

6.) Banky Edwards

Highlights:

• Inker for Bluntman and Chronic
• Has many injuries from many heterosexual sexual escapades
• Gay

Memorable Quote:

Banky Edwards: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky Edwards: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky Edwards: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky Edwards: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky Edwards: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!

5.) Rufus

Highlights:

• 13th apostle
• Jesus owes him 12 bucks
• Likes watching the living
  

Memorable Quote:

Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.

4.) Alyssa Jones

Highlights:

• Bisexual
• Creator of Idiosyncratic Routine and Chasing Amy
• Experimented alot in high school

Memorable Quote:

"You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.....And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference."

3.) Dante Hicks

Why is he #3?

I'm not even suppose to be here today is now a legendary line in the pop culture lexicon. Dante Hicks. The working man's slacker. He is the dude who as he goes on to tell Randall, shit in his pants so as to not disturb things so he could shit comfortably. Dante likes hockey, hates working on his day off and is by far the most disturbed everyman we've come to love.

Highlights:

• Steadily employed at the Quick Stop
• Plays hockey
• Was #37
  

Memorable Quote:

"Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets."

2.) Silent Bob

Why is he #2?

Because when he talks, he always has something profound to say. Silent Bob the heterosexual lifemate of the penultimate stoner Jay. The backwards cap, long coat and the constant smoking. He is the MESSAGE of the movie. The comic relief. The bedrock of the ViewAskewniverse. Without Silent Bob, could we stand Jays constant yapping? Ahh Silent Bob, speak up, we can't hear you.

Highlights:

• Avid Smoker
• Has Jedi like powers
• Is eerily quiet
  

Memorable Quote:

"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

1.) Randal Graves

Why is he #1?

The ultimate slacker. Loves hermaphroditic porn. Hates all the video store customers. Makes judgments about society and the world around him.....and actually does something about it. A loyal friend and a deranged fuck. A passive aggressive anarchist. Knowledgeable about pop culture and the inner workings of a nudie booth. Believes the flying car is an invention all mankind should enjoy. Why you ask?

In an abridged summary, Randal is comfortable where he is, at peace with his station in life. But his hysterical rants are logical and as always offbeat and always inappropriate. Whereas Dante is the everyday working stiff, he is the stiff who works everyday. Randal knows his situation, accepts it but still causes trouble. He is the dude you want to be... a obnoxious, arrogant asshole but in a really smart sorta way. Randal...the dude with attitude. And that kooky Randalling he does. Now that's class.

Highlights:

• Steadily employed at RST Video
• Likes hermaphroditic porn
• Doesn't appreciate people's ruses.

Memorable Quote:

"Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! There you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt about it with his present girlfriend? You want someone to blame for today? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here under your own volition. You like to think that the weight of the world rests on Dante's shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Christ, you overcompensate for what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic and important than it really is. You work at a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work at a shitty video store, badly as well. That guy Jay's got it right, man. He's got no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to think that we're so much more advanced than the people that come in here everyday to buy paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?"

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Did I miss your favorite character? Got someone to add in? Love the list? Hate the list? Sound off my jaded viewers.

Categories: clerks, comedy action, independent cinema, indie film, kevin smith, view askew

Tales from Beyond the Pale (Episode 4 and 5 Reviews)

If you haven't given Tales from Beyond the Pale a chance, I'm not sure what your waiting for. It's like the Twilight Zone meets War of the Worlds radio broadcast. It's slickly produced and has some stellar creepy stories that could very well be feature films or at the least, very well done shorts. There is something about hearing a story rather than seeing it that can give you chills. Radio exercises your imagination something that film lacks.

I've already reviewed Episodes 1 and 2 and Episodes 3 and 4. Check em out so you can pick and choose which Tale from Beyond the Pale you may want to download. Glass Eye Pix brings about the evolution of horror radio. Top notch star voice talent, great suspenseful stories in half an hour and sound effects that are spooky creepy.

Now check out some brief reviews of the last 2 episodes.

Johnny Boy

Written and Directed by JT Petty

JT Petty directed The Burrowers, a fun monster flick that just missed my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008. His entry to the Pale is a little bit of Rosemary's Baby meets Grace.

Quick synopsis goes like this. From the Streets of New Orleans to the baby's nursery this frightening tale is about the anxieties of parenthood.

It's told in a film noir sort of way as Emily narrates her marriage with husband John and their newborn baby John Jr. The sounds of New Orleans come alive as the newleyweds struggle with their Johnny boy. Johnny is not your typical newborn, at times he won't breathe (as heard by his parents via a babymonitor) but then recovers worrying his parents. His obsession with a spoon is also quite peculiar. Soon both parents start a chain of distrust until the twisty ending.

Johnny boy had some creepy moments but the over narration seemed a little much. Lots of over explaining sometimes hurts a radio program. Johnny boy is definitely a product of Grace and all those baby devil movies. A mysterious encounter in the beginning with an incoherent woman isn't entirely explained at the end though you know it has corrupted little Johnny in some way.

Overall, it's got a few good moments and alot of buildup to a very predictable ending. There could have been a couple of directions this Tale could have gone with maybe Voodoo or ghosts in its New Orleans setting. But one thing's fore sure, I'll never listen to a baby monitor the same way again.

The Hole Digger

Written and Directed by Larry Fessenden

Well leave it up to the Larry Fessenden himself to come up with probably the best Tale so far. The Hole Digger is exactly what a horror radio play should be.

Plot goes like this.

It was the summer that everything changed, that summer in Cape Cod when me and my brother first found the hole dug down in the dunes in front of our house.

Whether it was for a grave or a treasure, that hole changed our lives for good.

It's the stories that don't start off with crazy stuff that usually buildup into a WTF is going on tons of fun. With The Hole Digger, Fessenden introduces us to Nicky and Tommy, brothers who grow up in Cape Cod. Tommy the older of the two takes care of his youngling, at one point saving his brother from dying. Nicky starts hearing digging as he tries to sleep and later the 2 discover a mysterious hole being dug that seems to have no purpose.

The sounds of shoveling are right on the money creepy. You have no idea what's going on and each shovel gets your human antennae on edge. The boys soon confide with their mother on this unusual discovery who soon loops in their uncle and a local sheriff. What in Thor's Hammer is this hole?

The Hole Digger seems to be more about this family's struggle and conflict as it does with this mysterious Hole Digger. It's this nice touch that makes you care about these kids and their problems. The ending leaves a little more to be desired but its subtle cool. The use of the sounds, the pacing and the voice characters were all Stand by Me-ish.

Leave it up to our dear Tale Keeper host to make one of the best Tales so far.

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Every horror fan with a mp3 player, iPod or iPhone, Droid or whatever digital entertainment device should at least download one of these episodes. It's definitely worth the $2 (it's the price of a cup of coffee!) to check out some quality horror radio back from the dead.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Glass Eye Pictures
• Facebook Page
• Follow @TalesBeyond on Twitter
  

Categories: larry fesseden, radio show, stake land, tales from beyond the pale, the house of the devil

The Sick Twisted F*ck YouTube DVD Competition 2010

I've been meaning to do a The Top 10 Most Disgusting, Grotesque, Exploitative, Splatter, Gore, Vile Horror Movies list but I wouldn't be able to do it justice. Back in college, Insano Steve and I tried our best to see the most fucked up movies ever made. And we actually saw a lot of flicks that were disturbing as all fuckin hell.

But then I had to enter the real world, got a job and became a pseudo young internet professional and had to put my horror viewing on hold. I kinda waned a bit on finding the extra saucy insane flicks. Then with some spare time, I created the jaded viewer to sorta catch up on what I missed and write up what I had seen. A diary so to speak of what I had seen back in the day.

However, people have decided to see the recent sickest shit and I'll admit I'm jealous. I found this blog called Sick Twisted Fucks and it brought back all the memories of what it was like to see these fucked up films the first time.

These guys are having a competition on YouTube where you share your most sick and twisted flicks in your DVD collection. To put yourself on YouTube and go though a list of what's in your collection is kinda ballsy. I mean to say you own the Vomit Gore trilogy or Squirmfest is telling the public....I like sick shit and I'm proud of it. I mean I own an autographed copy of August Underground Mordum signed by Fred Vogel himself and I think it's the most vile shit in my collection.

In any case, I'm not making up a list but posting these YouTube videos of the members of Sick Twisted Fucks and their entry videos of what's their sickest of the sick. I agree that most of these flicks are sick and twisted. Ironically, I've seen most of these.

The fact you can start breaking it out to subgenres like "vomit gore", necrophilia, scat eating and serial killer is a testament to the fact that these genres were made because their is an actual audience for it. Jeezus Japan, you guys need to watch more 3D Holographic anime characters.

So you can go all voyeur and see if you own any of these films. They are all fuckin hilarious as they describe the atrocities and plots in these movies. I mean it's almost ACME cartooney to say this movie is "about defecating on somebody's face and then eating the shit that was just defecated". But calling somebody the f word because they don't own Philosophy of a Knife. Let's tone it down a notch dude.

OK ready?

Meet the competitors!

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These guys and girl all know their stuff. I have to say I'm floored by Ms. Fangirl Sarah. Watching sick and fucked up films I've always thought would fall into a horror super charged alpha male realm and seeing this very hot, Avril Lavigney girl talk about some messed up flicks is crazy awesome.

I'm not sure what you win or who judges this thing. But the lists of DVDs these guys have are unbelievably stellar and very fucked up. It reminds me of a story I heard that a Japanese man was arrested for mutilating people in Tokyo back in 90s or something and when the police searched his apartment, they found many fucked up movies in his collection. They were led to believe that these sicko movies were inspiration for going all homicidal.

I would hate to think what a psychologist would say about my DVD collection.

If you're now looking at your own DVD collection and realizing your most demented DVD is Halloween, well then keep yourself mainstreemy. I mean there are a few hardcore fans out there that take it up a notch. If you decide to cross the line into a fucked up horror universe, you need to see some of the movies they mentioned.

I mean who wouldn't want to see a lady eat a plate of maggots and spaghetti?

Categories: disturbing movies, gore, japanese porn, porn, splatter, splatter gore

The Shortround: Night of the Punks (Review)

It's funny that after I dropped my post about Fear of a Punk Planet, I got dropped a line from Dan Riesser, director for a short that combines punk rock and horror called Night of the Punks.

It's fun when both my loves get combined.

Night of the Punks is a 19 minute short that is in the vain of Return of the Living Dead and Night of the Demons. Here be the plot:

Small town punk rockers THE BRAIN DEADS have their first out of town gig. But there are a few problems: The venue is deserted, the promoter is a creep, their bass player has gone missing, and the only kids in the audience appear to be bloodthirsty monsters from hell. It's gonna take a lot more than a few power chords and teenage angst to survive this night.

NIGHT OF THE PUNKS is a horror-comedy short film in the vein of fun 80's classics like "The Return of the Living Dead" and "Night of the Demons." The trailer is styled after classic Grindhouse style trailers of the 70's and 80's.

So did this short rock out?

the jaded viewer says: I'll admit the punk rock in this rock and roll short is actually catchy and I was rockin out. The band is a little stereotypically "band-ish" concerned about gigs and merchandise. But that's all forgiven in the B-movie horror show as the film plays out. Seems like the band is playing to a nonexistent crowd and the motivation to play their first out of town gig was misleading.

Now our band is on the run battling some rock and roll demons. Aside from ROTLD and NOTD, it kinda of reminded me of a Misfits music video. You get your standard music jokes and your standard horror jokes. Like everybody makes fun of the bassist and the hot "merch girl". As we turn to the horror, the band unleashes ultra violence with tons of straight forward, non CGI gore with lots of oozing and gushing which is always a plus in my book.

A lot of stuff is crammed into Night of the Punks and the jokes, gore and romance come a mile a minute. Overall, it's an entertaining romp filled with 80s style rock and roll horror nostalgia. The performances are silly and over the top and the ending keeps that same tone.

If you get a chance to catch this short, its well worth your time. Now let me put on some Misfits and let punk rock keyboard cat play me out.

Check out the trailer below.

NIGHT OF THE PUNKS (2010) - Grindhouse Trailer from Irrational Films on Vimeo.

Check out the official site!

Categories: demons, horror short, night of the demon, punk rock, short, short film, the shortround

Leftover Thoughts: Compare and Contrast Edition

Before I started the jaded viewer, I had a personal blog filled with my leftover thoughts. The blog was aptly titled leftoverthoughts. It was pure continuum of thought, just randomness, blurbs and mumbo jumbo.

Many of my friends also had blogs slightly inspired by my insane ranting and raving. Now that I have more than 3 people visiting this site, I figured I could sneak in a few old leftover thoughts posts that were snarky, funny and completely off the wall.

The post below was written by my friend (C.R.) for his now defunct blog Acoustic Shadows. Every time I read it, it makes me laugh. Read the post for a quick Friday LOL.

Enjoy!

compare and contrast
By CR (1/12/03)

The Atlantic Ocean, Eons Ago

The yellow ball stays longer each day, warming the water. The school knows this means it is time to travel to the coastline and mate. Already a few of the males have made their bellies red, signaling their eagerness. The fish are not good swimmers--all around them, sleeker, better adapted fish easily outdistance them. The school compensates by attaching themselves to rocks and seaweed with small, sucker-like discs on the bottom of their bodies--they can't move forward very quickly, but at least the current doesn't push them backwards. They do not have many predators--to be quite honest, they are ugly, even to each other, and their skin is tough and lumpy. As a result, few of the deep's lurking predators care to eat them, even though they swim slowly and weakly. The eggs, however, are another matter. Anything which is completely defenseless is a meal when it's sitting on the merciless ocean floor, ugly or not. And nothing is more defenseless than an unhatched egg. So when the school reaches the coastline, the females lay their eggs and, their task completed, weakly swim back out to sea. The males stay, keeping vigil over the eggs until they hatch, not eating, and not leaving the eggs except to face down predators. The fish do not take joy in this, any more than they do in eating--it is simply what they have always done, and will always do.

Mesopotamia, At The Same Time

The other monkeys are all sleeping or eating lice off each other, but Danger-Finder is bored. It's a new sensation--he has never been bored before. In that it is new, the novelty of it almost cancels the boredom itself, momentarily. But in the end, boredom wins. Danger-Finder wants to throw something at one of the other monkeys, but most of the males are bigger than him and mean too, and if he throws something at one of the females then she probably won't let him do the sweaty grunting thing later. So he sits, almost wishing there was some danger. When there is danger, Danger-Finder screams to tell the other monkeys about it, which is how he got his name, and then they all run through the trees. Then later when they're safe, he gets him berries to eat, and even Strong-Fierce, the biggest monkey, will let him eat and not take any of the berries. Danger-Finder starts to think about things other than eating and throwing and running and playing. Soon Danger-Finder begins to think about what he is doing--thinking. Danger-Finder wonders if Strong-Fierce can do it as well as he can. He bets not. He wonders if he can use thinking to stop Strong-Fierce from taking his berries, not just when there's danger, but every day. Civilization begins.

Cleveland, Ohio, Present Day

I had caviar on crackers for dinner today. It was delicious. I'm glad I have a thumb.

Categories: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, leftover thoughts, the jaded viewer

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (Review)

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Directed by Jalmari Helander

He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good.
So be good for goodness sake!

You better watch out!
Better not cry!
Better not pout!
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is comin' to town.

Oh those lyrics turn from jolly happy to creepy scary after you've seen Jalmari Helander's film Rare Exports. But it's scary happy good times for all.

Rare Exports is that rare holiday gem that makes you feel the holiday spirit. I mentioned Rare Exports and the viral shorts that gave birth to this feature a while ago. Having seen the shorts, I'll admit it took away from the film a bit for me. Which is why I'm going to grade this film on people who've seen the shorts and those who haven't.

Not since Gremlins has a Christmas themed mild horror film put a smile on my face. Rare Exports takes the traditional little boy staple, dashes in a far away land and throws in a few naked but angry Santas to turn in one of the most entertaining holiday movies this year.

Rare Exports gladly twists your red cheeked, white beard, jolly fat man into the most menacing threat on the other side of the Atlantic. Blending fairy tale into a bizarro Christmas tale, Rare Exports gives you that feeling of being a kid on Christmas morning. What more would you want?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A film for those who think they don't believe in Santa Claus anymore

In the depths of the Korvatunturi mountains, 486 metres deep, lies the closest ever guarded secret of Christmas. The time has come to dig it up!

This Christmas everyone will believe in Santa Claus.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you watched the shorts, you kind of know what the deal is. For the uninitiated let me explain. In the mountains of Finland, miners find something interesting buried underneath the ice. The powerful Sub Zero Corporation led by Riley know what they've discovered. The legend is real, the true origin of Santa Claus.

The film introduces us to youngling Pietari, who is a cute, clever boy who seems to know more about whats going on then the adults. He lives with his father who with other locals live a quiet life in a town bordering the dig site. It's not long before Pietari, his father and a couple of rag tag local hunters discover something isn't right with Sub Zero's dig. After slaughtered reindeer are found, the hunters soon become the hunted.

Pietari knows what's the what and after the group discover and hold ransom a "Santa" they have to deal with more than they bargained for. I don't want to give much away but suffice it to say its a journey of boy cries wolf, wolf attacks and boy grows up to be a man and saves the day!

Many of the characters are colorful with Pietari (Onni Tommila) stealing the show. His father and his friends are gingerbread eating entrepreneurs and Juuso (Pietari's BFF) is the skeptical older kid. But the most shocking character of them all is seeing Santa Claus (Peeter Jakobi) portrayed as a blood thirsty, children eating wild animal. In any other context, the sight of a skinny, naked old man with a long gray beard and a menacing stare would mean an immediate call to Chris Hansen and his To Catch A Predator crew. But Rare Exports takes it to a whole new level.

The folklore of an evil Santa who was so sadistic that he had to be buried in a icy jail is hilariously awesome. As the movie progresses, we soon realize Santa isn't alone and our locals will have to use some skill to survive December 25th.

The good of Rare Exports is it flips the old happy go lucky Christmas story as it unleashes some crazed looney Santas. I liked the fact it was unique in its approach of creating a mythos of the Santa legend. All Christmas stories be it films or TV are so sappy and corny and Rare Exports is not an exception. A dramedy scene involving Pietari and his father feels like Lifetime movie of the week as you can get. There are a few ha ha's that keep it lighthearted in that PG-13 sorta way. Kids 13 or older will yuck it up yet cheer for Pietari as he saves the day and that's the fun of Rare Exports. It's like Home Alone but with naked Santas.

The bad in my opinion is that if YOU'VE SEEN THE SHORTS, you kinda lose a bit of the magic of this film. Rare Exports becomes a sort of prequel to the shorts as you know exactly how the film will end. The beauty of the shorts were in their National Geographic approach to documenting the catching and packaging of a Santa. Having seen them, the ending became a little lackluster and very anticlimactic.

Also, the movie has a very much Spielberg feel to it but without the Spielberg multi million dollar effects. The buildup to seeing "the great threat that could jeopardize Christmas" ends with a mild exploding whimper. As much as I like the indie approach of the let your imagination run wild, I kind of wanted to see some serious battles and a wild, insane ending.

So should you see Rare Exports?

I'd have to recommend it as their aren't many Christmas themed movies coming out this month. Rare Exports feels like 80s Holiday horror-omedy. It's clever, it's cute and it's a family film for the more adventurous film goer.

Folks, this isn't Santa's Slay or a Silent Night, Deadly Night. It's a indie film with a wild imagination. Santa Claus has been rebooted. And he's hungry for some boys and girls on the naughty list.

Gore-ipedia

Slaughted reindeer count?

Nude-ipedia

Full frontal Santas ::shivers::

WTF moment

The real Santa

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Rare Exports opens this Friday in NYC at the IFC Center. It opens in Austin, LA, MN, Pasadena and Portland on 12/10 and the rest of the country on 12/17.

If you want full enjoyment out of the film DO NOT SEE THE SHORTS!!!! If you've already watched them, it's still all good. Think of this film as a prequel to the awesomeness of the shorts and it's worth seeing.

Hmm I think I've been kind of naughty this year. C'mon Santa! Bring it!

The Vitals

• The official site
• Oscilloscope Films (list of cities and theaters screening the film)
• Facebook Page

Rating (if you haven't seen the shorts):


Rating (if you've seen the shorts):
1/2

Categories: christmas, indie film, rare exports, santa claus, the shortround

Fear of a Punk Planet (The Pilot Episode!)

I love perusing YouTube to find music and shows I use to watch when I was a kid. Well, score one for YouTube again. I dug up this classic Internet TV show called Fear of a Punk Planet. How did I find this hidden gem? Well, I love punk rock and NOFX is one of my favorite bands. Also, I was a fan of Jenny Kwan (who was on that old NBC show California Dreams (don't judge me!). Here she plays a punk rocker who leads a group of punk rock kids to help their scene anyway they can.

Holy fuckin cow this is some classic shit. Originally appeared on DEN.net, it was produced and written by Joe Escalante, one of the founding members of The Vandals as well as Kyle Glass (of Tenacious D fame).

It only had 3 episodes and features awesome bands like NOFX, Sick of It All and The Ataris. Now you can relive the late 90s with some punk rock awesomeness. I kind of thought of this show as the anti-MTV of its time. Punk rock was becoming more mainstream during the late 90s (Green Day, Offspring, etc) but some bands especially NOFX and hardcore vets like Sick of It All didn't sell out (well so to speak)

It seems cheesy now but I'll admit punk rock was at a crossroads during the 90s. Many bands "sold out" with the grunge/punk revival. Watching Fear of a Punk Planet is nostalgia for us who lived during that time. Check out the pilot episode below!








Here is a link to an episode featuring Sick of It All! There are other episodes featuring The Bouncing Souls and others.

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Thoughts? Comments? Does this offend you as a punk rocker? Hahaha let's hear it.

Categories: nofx, punk rock, tv shows

The Shortround: The Sweet Hand of the White Rose (Review)

We haven't had an edition of The Shortround in a while. But thanks to director Davide Melini, I was able to view his newest short The Sweet Hand of the White Rose. I previously reviewed Melini's short The Puzzle which I said "...compacts alot of eeriness in it's 4 min+ runtime."

Melini, a former assistant director of giallo auteur Dario Argento brings a different theme and style from his previous effort. White Rose has lives intertwining with a tint of ghost and the supernatural in its 16 min run time.

Here's a quick synopsis.

"How many times have you had a bad day? How many times have you thought you would run away from everyone and everything? That is exactly what happens to Mark. In order to forget about a heated discussion with his girlfriend, he decides to get in the car and go far away. But a little mistake will change his reality forever...".

So what's the final prognosis on The Sweet Hand of the White Rose?

the jaded viewer says: In nutshell sort of way, I can best describe it as a supernatural PSA. Melini establishes two characters Mark who recently had a fight with his GF and is driving on the road to get away from her bickering and Mary, a 10 yr old blonde haired girl who is on her way home after playing at the park.

These 2 seemed destined to meet in a most unfortunate way. First let's start off with the good. The cinematography is quite outstanding with daytime scenes framed nicely and an ominous background of a cemetery at night. You feel warmth and dread during the day and night scenes and its highly effective.

The ghostly presence towards the end is slickly done with a good amount of eerie. The twist ending is predictable as a B/W reveal shows an auto accident has no happy endings.

The short was dubbed in English which kind of distracted me as I prefer watching any foreign film with subtitles. But there isn't much in actual dialogue but more character narration about their stories which lead to their eventual meeting.

The Sweet Hand of the White Rose is an effective, styilized short PSA that probably should be shown to teenagers to see the dangers of texting while on the road. It happens more than you think. It's a bit cheesy with it's message but the message is important.

Melini made White Rose for a mere $2,000 Euros and the quality of the short is detailed with production values rivaling a Hollywood production. I'm eager for him to try a feature length film, possibly even a Italian giallo film (yeah I know that's kinda stereotypical of me). After the Adrien Brody lawsuit and the controversy from Dario Argento's Giallo, we may need some new blood into this genre.

Davide Melini has the talent to do it.

Check out the trailer below.

For more information check out the links below.

• Davide Melini's Blog
  

Categories: horror short, short, short film, the shortround

Interview with Death of the Dead's Christina Rose

In my review of Death of the Dead (read full review here) I wrote Christina Rose's performance was "brilliant" and described Rose's character Wanda ".....was slicing and dicing in a Wonder Woman outfit bought from an S&M store. Yum."

As you can see in the photo above, I wasn't lying was I?

Gary King's Death of the Dead is a hilarious film that turns the zombie and kung fu genres upside down and produces a bucket of laughs. So intrigued my Christina Rose's performance, I wanted to get to know the actress behind nerdy Wanda. So thus is born the first jaded viewer interview. Christina Rose was gracious enough to answer my goofy questions. Thanks Christina!

1.) Tell us a little about yourself. Be sure to include the adjectives like awesome, beautiful and zombie killer. :-)

An awesome fun fact about me is that I was born in Naples, Italy. I have a beautiful family of six including three sisters, my mom and dad, and my amazing dog Sammy :-) . I’m a New York based Actress who has worked professionally in Film, TV, Commercials, Broadway, and am also a professional Zombie Killer. :-)

2.) How did you get involved with Death of the Dead?

Gary King and I had been in contact before this film. He was hired onto the project and was able to recommend me to the producers of the film. I auditioned for the role of ‘Wanda’, and the rest is history!

3.) Your performance as I wrote in my review was brilliant. Have you acted in a comedy before? Is acting in a comedy (especially in a horror comedy) different from your previous work?

Thank you for the wonderful compliment. My first feature film that I fhot was called ‘Happy Birthday Harris Malden’, in which I played the supporting role of ‘Elsa’. This film was a comedy, but the style was very different from ‘Death of the Dead’. I’ve also performed in many stage plays/musicals that were comedies as well, such as playing ‘Adelaide’ in ‘Guys and Dolls’ and ‘Marty’ in ‘Grease’ on Broadway.

Acting in ‘Death of the Dead’ (a horror comedy) is both similar and different to my previous work. I find that the main ingredient for an actor in playing any role in any comedy is finding the TRUTH in the moments that the character is living. The actor should never ‘try’ to be funny or witty. If the actor is living in the moment and experiencing what the character is going through then humor will arise.

Physical comedy was prominent in some of the previous work that I mentioned and in ‘Death of the Dead’. As an actress I have to be very open and unlimited in the use of my body when it comes to a comedy. Some things work, and others don’t, but you have to be willing to experiment.

4.) I think Wanda might be the new Buffy we've been looking for. Her transformation from clueless nerd to kick ass zombie killer was fun to watch. How did you approach the role and what kind of characteristics did you give her that weren't in the script?

I knew that the character had to go through a huge transformation after reading the script. In the audition my main goal was to show the diversity between the two sides of ‘Wanda’ by making strong choices. I knew there needed to be a big physical transformation as well as the character’s personality.

During the audition process I made some specific choices for ‘Nerdy’ Wanda. I knew the character was unattractive and your ‘typical nerd’ so I wore large glasses, put my hair in a pony tail, and wore baggy clothes. But a character is so much more then just the physical appearance. I had to find out what ‘Nerdy Wanda’ was like beneath her skin (self conscious, socially awkward, weak-yet still having a strong belief in herself).

Once I found out who ‘Wanda’ was from deep within I was really able to enjoy and play with the role. One characteristic that stays throughout the film is Wanda’s big heart and belief that she could be something great!

In the beginning her lack of talent, looks, and all around ability prevent her from moving forward until she obtains the magic belt. So as ‘Sexy Wanda’ she is finally physically able to do everything she has ever dreamed of doing and finally unstoppable! I got to become a super hero. I’m thrilled that I was able to have the opportunity to explore this character and make her what you see onscreen today!

5.) What was it like working with Gary King and Bo Buckley?

Working with the entire creative team was amazing! I don’t think this film could have been what it was without the efforts of every single person involved.

Bo Buckley was a fantastic producer/writer for the film. He helped the production run very smoothly. His positive energy and great business sense and made him a joy to be around on set.
Gary King is a splendid director. This was my first time ever working with him. He allows the actor to make various choices per scene. I love that I was able to say the lines a variety of different ways so they had multiple choices to use in the editing room.

Gary is definitely one of the best director’s that I have ever worked with. He really lets the actor get involved with the development of their specific character. He’s a very talented filmmaker, and I see big things for him in the future.

6.) You handled yourself solidly in the action scenes. Did you get any weapons training? What was it like to film the onslaught of these kung fu zombie hordes?

One of my favorite things about this film were the fight scenes. We had such a blast on set, but it was very fast pace. I only had 2 days of training before we started shooting the movie. One day of scene work with the other main actors, and then one day of fight training. On the day of fight/weapon training I learned Bo Staff, Nanchuku, and various Martial Arts moves (kicks, punches, blocks, etc.). My previous experience included Stage Combat, Stunt work (bungee,harness), some Karate, and my dance training.

The person director Gary King and I chose to model my ‘BadAss’ Wanda after was Jean-Claude Van Damme because of his graceful/dance like fighting style. This was my first opportunity to portray a character like this. I really enjoy doing a lot of my own stunt work. I would do it again in a heartbeat!

7.) The movie has quite a few one liners, zingers and hilarious jokes. Do you have any favorites?

A few lines that the audiences seem to remember are:

‘Wanda the wimp’
‘Wanda the weirdo’
‘Wanda the weakling’

They’ve become a favorite of mine because I hear these repeated so often!

8.) Any possibility of a sequel if the movie takes off? What would you like to see in a possible sequel?

There are some exciting things happening right now with the film that could eventually lead to a sequel if the audiences dig it enough. We have a current ‘Death of the Dead’ Comic Book in the works, as well as possible action figures. The film has been getting great reviews from the press and the fans, so if it gets the right distribution there is a good chance it could hit a wide audience.

If there is a need or strong desire for a sequel in the future I think we can make it happen. I know the director and producers have already been tossing around ideas. We’ve discussed more of the adventures of ‘Sexy Wanda’ fighting various battles. Gary said it would be the same humor, but more action. So we’ll see!

9.) I see your collaborating again with Gary King again in How Do You Write a Joe Scherman Song which is a musical. How's this film differ from DotD? Also, do you have any future projects coming up?

‘How Do You Write a Joe Schermann Song’ is a Feature Length Movie Musical. So the main difference right off the bat is that there will be singing and dancing in the new film that comes out in 2011. This film is also a drama. We like to say that it’s ‘Once’ meets ‘All that Jazz’. As you can tell ‘Death of the Dead’ is far from a drama. My character in the Movie Musical, Evey, is an aspiring Broadway performer who is struggling with love and life in NYC. My character is VERY different from ‘Wanda’. You will have to watch the film to see more!

I’m very excited for 2011. I have a few Feature Films that are in development right now. I cannot release information on these projects just yet. I would love for people to stay tuned to my Facebook Fan Page, Website, and Twitter to find out my future projects when I can release the information. You can also watch for me in the ‘Lucille Roberts Gym’ Television Commercial that will air all next year (2011). I also have been talking to various filmmakers about projects for 2012.

Thank you to everyone for your support and please continue to follow and support my career! :-)

*********************************************

Want more info about Christina? Check out the links below. Follow her on Twitter and Like her on Facebook!! If you don't she'll kick your ass like she did to this guy!

• Christina's Official Site
• Christina's Facebook Page
  
• Follow Christina on Twitter
• Christina's IMDB Page

Check out the trailers for Death of the Dead and How Do You Write a Joe Schermann Song below!

Categories: christina rose, death of the dead, interview

Random Thoughts for the people waiting on line, in the cold on Black Friday

Hello [insert name here].

Wow. You really decided to get on that damn line at 10pm for the Black Friday sale that starts at 3am. Holy shit dude, that's like 5 hours away. What are you gonna do in the wickedly cold weather for 5 fuckin hours??

If you're reading this, it looks like you stumbled upon the jaded viewer. Hey, whats up? Well this is a site dedicated to horror movies and various other subgenres. I'm rambling. Damn, it's nippy out.

I saw you! You looked at your watch! Really? That was exactly 24 seconds since the last time you looked. Well look at that line. I mean there are probably 20 people ahead of you and you thought by going at 10pm on Thanksgiving that would give you a mega head start. No such luck. Buncha savages in this town.

I might as well entertain you. Let's start off with this:

Who doesn't love the Carlton dance? Fuckin classic.

So what are you planning on buying? If this is all for a fuckin 40 inch, 1080p, 240 mhz, Samsung HDTV, I'm sorry to say the 20 people ahead of you are on line for that exact model.

You're going to have to plan your route when they open those doors. I suggest tripping the guy behind you so you get some distance between those jabronis at the back of the line.

You gotta think like a running back. Look for a fat fuck and let him be your lead blocker. Make sure he's heading in the direction you need to go because he might be heading to look at fuckin grills. Unfortunately, fat fucks have low stamina so you may need to use the thug faction at this point. Thug factions are those group of hoods who are gonna buy a bunch of DVD players and sell down the street. They're like the Oceans 11 when it comes to Black Friday.

Hmm, looks like you got 3 hours to go. You bring anything to eat? I suggest Skittles, 5 cans of Four Loko and a bag of Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.

Well that dude ahead of you came prepared. It's like he's camping at the Grand fuckin Canyon.

If your a dude, you could practice hitting on some hot girls waiting on line. Oh yeah, the hot girls are at Walmart. It's a fuckin hub of hot girls at the Black Friday Walmart line.

You know, you're going to have to take a piss soon. Who's going to save your place on line? Somebody might take your spot and sell it on eBay.

Some dude is gonna puke his turkey dinner at some point. Watch out.

There's always one big momma standing on line desperate to buy a big momma outfit. She is fierce and may kill at least 3 people to buy that blender. Put a raw steak by her filled with roofies and hope she takes the bait.

Honestly, even if you get your TV, your going to have to wait on an even longer line to pay for it. I suggest using the "I have a bladder problem" scream to get to the front of the line.

As you got here early, feel free to make fun of the people who just got here at 2am. Fuckin rookies.

I nice steaming cup of hot chocolate would be awesome right now. I'll drink one for you. Wow that was yummy.

Have you ever thought about the geopolitical implications of a capitalistic society whose main source of imports are being turned over to the developing world? Sorry, maybe I should simplify that statement for you. Gummy bears are fuckin tasty.

Your probably hallucinating after drinking your 8th can of Red Bull. So let's listen to the Dougie song from The Hangover. Click Here!

I know horses sleep standing up. Maybe you can try that. Though your wallet might get stolen. Hmmm...yeah you'd totally get pick pocketed.

Hmmm 1 hour to go! Let me know what 2am at the mall feels like because I'm never going to stand on line to get 70% off.

Look around and start to imagine who'd you kill for that TV. Would you totally cap that mom with her kid in the stroller? Wait on a sec...why is their a mom with a kid in a stroller? Oh for Christakes!

The lack of sleep is probably making that pretty buff security guard woman looking like she's Megan Fox. She actually does look like Megan Fox. I think you should go for it!

You're probably thinking fuck this shit, I'm going home. This isn't worth it. But you know who wants you to buy that TV and brave this violent crowd???

World famous porn star Jesse Jane!

"Buy that TV [insert name here]! If you don't you, your baseball bat isn't that big."

Good luck out there Mr. and Ms Consumer. Brave that line and buy that TV! If you don't the terrorists win. Go America!

Categories: best buy, black friday, end of the line, jadedviewer, jesse jane, the jaded viewer

Happy Thanksgiving from The Jaded Viewer!

I know everybody will put up the Eli Roth Grindhouse trailer so I might as well to. The interesting thing here is that Thanksgiving is going to supposedly be a full length movie. It'll be interesting to see if it can be awesome like Machete was. Hell, I wanna see a longer, extended cut of the cheerleader trampoline scene.

In any case, don't piss off any pilgrims this Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Jaded Viewer!

Categories: eli roth, grindhouse, happy thanksgiving, jadedviewer.com, quentin tarantino, thanksgiving trailer, the jaded viewer

The Taint (Review)

The Taint

The Taint (2010)

Directed by Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson

I think we have record for fastest shot of a pair of titties in a movie.

3 seconds.

That's how long it takes The Taint to whip out some boobies for your viewing pleasure. It's a hell of an opening for this lowest denominator flick however if you're an alpha male with a pulse, you know something moved.

I hate to be crude with my review but when you view this soon to be cult classic, you have to describe it as openly as a gay 80s montage (which we have in this flick as well).

The Taint is the next evolution of the Troma movie. I think Troma has lost touch with it's extreeminess but directors Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson have spawned a new genre of low budget horror comedy. The American WTF movie. That's what The Taint is. It's got a mild plot, some easily identifiable characters and lots of WTF. I've never seen so much WTF in my movie viewing history. That and a lot of penis. Yes folks, this movie has more penis shots than a Playgirl pictorial.

I've seen some indie budget horror coms that fall in line with The Taint. But the others never had the amount of gore and splatter this flick has. In the same vain as Black Devil Doll, Isle of the Damned, Hanger, Gutterballs and John Waters flicks it's 110% offensive and 200% fucked up fun.

Running at an unbelievable 70 minutes, you'll need to take a long cold shower after seeing this filthy filth. If you have a wife or GF, send them to movies to see a rom com because they may "Bobbit" you if they catch you watching The Taint.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

THE TAINT is an intellectual experience. It is a violent and misogynistic film about violence, misogyny, and entertainment. It features sadistic violence, gratuitous sexual content, and scenes of spellbinding dramatic interest. It also contains more cock explosions than any other movie ever. It’s the ultimate sexually-frustrated-male-nerd-emotional-masturbation-release film, done in the style of an 80’s horror-comedy.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The opening credits are done VHS special effects 80s style which time travel you back to those 80s gorefests we all loved. After the boobie montage, we meet Phil O'Ginny, a blonde hipster slacker dude who seems to have found himself in the middle of a misogynistic crazy men massacre. The men, with full frontal penis dangling are attacking the scantily clad women all across this small American town. That's some heavy duty WTF don't ya think?

Suffice it to say, Phil's high as fuck and encounters a few interesting people along the way. He first meets Misandra who goes all flashbacky as she tells him her marriage was destroyed by the water supply that's now tainted which has caused all the men to be misogynistic maniacs. It's filled with 80s staples such as montagy picnics in the park and mooshy face cave ins.

Later Phil and Misandra meet up with a Phil's old PE teacher and his bunch of cronies who also go all flashbacky through a Rocky style 80s montage which is filled with gay innuendo at its extreme. Seeing a dude pumping iron and wrestling seemed so innocent to us back in the 80s. Not so much today and the parody of this is hilarious.

Now almost beaten to a pulp, Phil is saved by a masked stranger who in his former life was a scientist who with his science team (complete with fancy gizmos and calculators) try to create cockzantium (a drug so that all dudes can get BJs). The Nazi propaganda commercial devised for this fucked up Viagra is LOL funny.

So it's up to Phil to save the day and as the plot-o-matic says, we get more cock explosions than I've ever seen in a movie.....ever.

Stuffed into the flick is a funny bunny cartoon and tons of naked women getting slaughtered in all sorts of ways. Slice and dice, large rock to the face trauma and more penis oozing than a porn movie. Bodily fluids are evacuated from every orifice in The Taint. Don't say I didn't warn you.

For a low budget flick by some Virginia college students, The Taint is a high value production. They could have easily dragged this to 90 minutes but I'm pretty sure they didn't have that much footage. The acting is self parody edging on corniness but that's not really the point of the flick. Plot, acting, soundtrack are secondary to what the film ejaculates on screen. It's pure simple WTF and they have tons of WTF money shots for your viewing pleasure.

You can't beat this flick in that department if you cloned Waters and Kaufman together. The Taint is a 21st century fetus of 80s splatter comedy. It's totally fucked up but in that good, punch in the face sorta way. Every dude on the planet is easily mesmerized by seeing a pair of tits, but also easily traumatized by seeing full frontal cock.

You're going to see the best and worst of both worlds in The Taint and you're going to keep repeating in a loud, happy voice.....WTF!!!!!

Nude-ipedia

Tons of full frontal nudity by hot women
BBA trifecta (boobs, bush and ass)
Full frontal penis

Gore-ipedia

A shitload of practical and digital gore effects.

WTF moment

The cock explosions at the end


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

There is always one film a year that is so offensive, so fucked up and just pure trash that it makes my Top 10 list. Last year it was Black Devil Doll. The Taint has made a case for being on that list this year.

I can say, it's one of the funniest horror comedies I've seen this year.

If you're inner gorehound needs to be fed and if you're inner misogynist needs to be jerked off I highly recommend The Taint. You won't be disappointed by this throwback 80s splatterfest.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Facebook
• Twitter
• Buy the DVD! (it's also available on VHS!)
  

Rating:


Check out the trailer below.

The Taint Trailer (NSFW) from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.

Categories: 2010 horror movies, exploitation, exploitation film, gore, indie film, indie horror, rape, rape and revenge films, splatter, the taint

Comics You are NOT Reading: Zombo (Review)

Thanks to Mr. Rhinocerouslip Bumcrack who runs I FUCKING HATE R'n'B... and DUBSTEP!. He sent me a UK comic that was definitely not on my radar. My knowledge of top notch UK comic book writers has only come though via Garth Ennis (Irish, Preacher, The Boys), Mark Millar (Scottish, Kick-Ass, Wanted) and Alan Moore.

I absolutely dig Ennis whose series The Boys is so fuckin awesome. But I digress.

Zombo is the newest creation out of 2000AD and my first introduction to this publisher. So what's Zombo about?

Zombo: Zombo’s Eleven – When Flight 303 carrying government experiment ZOMBO crash landed on the lethal death world of Chronos, the flesh eating ghoul was the only survivor not picked off by the planet. Having joined forces with the eleven Suicide Boys – teens looking for spectacular ways to die – Zombo is on his way to becoming a TV star…

I absolutely loved Zombo. It blends wacky humor with complete evisceration on every page. It mixes in a bit of sci-fi, horror and Lost all into a wild Four Loko blackout in a can comic book. The cover absolutely sets the tone with Zombo politely asking: "Can I eat you, please?"

Zombo is a sort of anti-hero, part zombie and part human. Sent to the death world Chronos with other survivors the first book gives some back story and some serial wicked kills. They don't call it a death world for nothing.

Survivors you think may make it are all fodder for this death planet as the survivors die from poisoned fruit, vicious plants and even Zombo himself. Zombo's dialogue which have him addressing everybody as Mister give Zombo a childlike persona mixed in with a wild dog on a leash. The government agents who control Zombo have sent him to this world to clean up a Shadow rainbow blackhole (don't ask). Throw in some cannibals who leave a limbless and armless survivor in their wake and you got a death every 3 panels. It's not a stretch to say most people die gruesomely but Zombo survives because well he's already dead.

Al Ewing and Henry Flint, the creators of Zombo are on serious hallucinogenic drugs. I mean they write stuff in like a traveling variety Christmas show crashing landing and dying via a Christmas Tree monster and in the final book called "Zombo's Eleven" they have a 11 "Suicide Boys" who look to commit suicide and put it on "Death Tube". They're main focus is to film their deaths to get the best star rating.

Seriously, this is fuckin funny as hell. So wickedly WTF clever. Each of the characters in Zombo from a Russel Brand suicide boy parody to a Simon Cowell like asshole called Hank Epsilon are so annoying (like in real life), you're glad when they die, come back to life as zombies then die again.

The main adversary in Zombo is the death planet which causes humans to turn into zombies (who are just irritating talkative Return of the Living Dead zombies) . A final climactic battle onboard a space station involving zombies rampaging, zombie bees and Death Tube video massacres was truly fantastic.

I gotta admit, Zombo made me laugh in that this is insanely weird, fucked up and I must be high sorta way.

The tagline is Murder! Mayhem! Manners!

Fuckin A.

Check out a panel below!

Head over to 2000 AD to check out their titles and Zombo!

Categories: comic books. graphic novels, comics, graphic novel, sci-fi, zombies