Friday, November 26, 2010

Random Thoughts for the people waiting on line, in the cold on Black Friday

Hello [insert name here].

Wow. You really decided to get on that damn line at 10pm for the Black Friday sale that starts at 3am. Holy shit dude, that's like 5 hours away. What are you gonna do in the wickedly cold weather for 5 fuckin hours??

If you're reading this, it looks like you stumbled upon the jaded viewer. Hey, whats up? Well this is a site dedicated to horror movies and various other subgenres. I'm rambling. Damn, it's nippy out.

I saw you! You looked at your watch! Really? That was exactly 24 seconds since the last time you looked. Well look at that line. I mean there are probably 20 people ahead of you and you thought by going at 10pm on Thanksgiving that would give you a mega head start. No such luck. Buncha savages in this town.

I might as well entertain you. Let's start off with this:

carlton dance!

Who doesn't love the Carlton dance? Fuckin classic.

So what are you planning on buying? If this is all for a fuckin 40 inch, 1080p, 240 mhz, Samsung HDTV, I'm sorry to say the 20 people ahead of you are on line for that exact model.

You're going to have to plan your route when they open those doors. I suggest tripping the guy behind you so you get some distance between those jabronis at the back of the line.

You gotta think like a running back. Look for a fat fuck and let him be your lead blocker. Make sure he's heading in the direction you need to go because he might be heading to look at fuckin grills. Unfortunately, fat fucks have low stamina so you may need to use the thug faction at this point. Thug factions are those group of hoods who are gonna buy a bunch of DVD players and sell down the street. They're like the Oceans 11 when it comes to Black Friday.

Hmm, looks like you got 3 hours to go. You bring anything to eat? I suggest Skittles, 5 cans of Four Loko and a bag of Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.

Well that dude ahead of you came prepared. It's like he's camping at the Grand fuckin Canyon.

If your a dude, you could practice hitting on some hot girls waiting on line. Oh yeah, the hot girls are at Walmart. It's a fuckin hub of hot girls at the Black Friday Walmart line.

You know, you're going to have to take a piss soon. Who's going to save your place on line? Somebody might take your spot and sell it on eBay.

Some dude is gonna puke his turkey dinner at some point. Watch out.

There's always one big momma standing on line desperate to buy a big momma outfit. She is fierce and may kill at least 3 people to buy that blender. Put a raw steak by her filled with roofies and hope she takes the bait.

Honestly, even if you get your TV, your going to have to wait on an even longer line to pay for it. I suggest using the "I have a bladder problem" scream to get to the front of the line.

As you got here early, feel free to make fun of the people who just got here at 2am. Fuckin rookies.

I nice steaming cup of hot chocolate would be awesome right now. I'll drink one for you. Wow that was yummy.

Have you ever thought about the geopolitical implications of a capitalistic society whose main source of imports are being turned over to the developing world? Sorry, maybe I should simplify that statement for you. Gummy bears are fuckin tasty.

Your probably hallucinating after drinking your 8th can of Red Bull. So let's listen to the Dougie song from The Hangover. Click Here!

I know horses sleep standing up. Maybe you can try that. Though your wallet might get stolen. Hmmm...yeah you'd totally get pick pocketed.

Hmmm 1 hour to go! Let me know what 2am at the mall feels like because I'm never going to stand on line to get 70% off.

Look around and start to imagine who'd you kill for that TV. Would you totally cap that mom with her kid in the stroller? Wait on a sec...why is their a mom with a kid in a stroller? Oh for Christakes!

The lack of sleep is probably making that pretty buff security guard woman looking like she's Megan Fox. She actually does look like Megan Fox. I think you should go for it!

You're probably thinking fuck this shit, I'm going home. This isn't worth it. But you know who wants you to buy that TV and brave this violent crowd???

World famous porn star Jesse Jane!

"Buy that TV [insert name here]! If you don't you, your baseball bat isn't that big."

Good luck out there Mr. and Ms Consumer. Brave that line and buy that TV! If you don't the terrorists win. Go America!


  1. 10pm? Pshaw, Driving past the local Best Buy at 10 AM we saw about a dozen people camped out.

    Off all the things I am thankful for, no longer working in retail is high up on the list.

  2. Hello, I got here through Greg's blog. And I'm glad I stumbled upon this. I think you have quite an original way of expressing your ideas and I like that.

    I'd love to count you as a follower of my blog, and of course I'll add myself as follower of your blog.