Friday, December 10, 2010

The Top 10 Characters from Kevin Smith's ViewAskewniverse

[originally posted on my old blog leftover thoughts on 2/23/05. Smith had not yet made Clerks, 2 when I wrote this]

Why a list of the top 10 characters from the ViewAskewniverse? Why the hell not? I've actually never seen one myself so who better to do it than me?. I'm pretty sure you've seen all these movies. If not, go rent all of them (except Mallrats) For you poor schmucks who have never even heard of Kevin Smith's movies, here's the list: Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and the soon to be made Clerks 2.

He also made Jersey Girl. But let's pretend that never happened.

Trivia Time! Mallrats takes place on Saturday, Clerks takes place the day after and Chasing Amy the day after that. So with that on to the list....

10.) Caitleen Bree

  • Engaged to an Asian Design Major
  • Did it with Rick Derris
  • Fucked a dead guy
Memorable Quote:

"Well I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick!"

9.) Brodie Bruce

  • Avid Comic Book Collector
  • Likes to fart during fellatio
  • Has a cousin named Walter
Memorable Quote:

"It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?"

8.) Olaf Oleeson aka "The Russian Metalhead"

  • From Russia
  • In a band called Fuckin Yankee Blue Jeans
  • Loves to sing the song "Bezerker"
Memorable Quote:

"My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!"

7.) Jay

  • Drug dealer, pot smoker and prophet
  • Likes monkeys
  • Heterosexual lifemate is Silent Bob
Memorable Quote:

"All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob."

6.) Banky Edwards

  • Inker for Bluntman and Chronic
  • Has many injuries from many heterosexual sexual escapades
  • Gay
Memorable Quote:

Banky Edwards: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky Edwards: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky Edwards: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky Edwards: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky Edwards: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!

5.) Rufus

  • 13th apostle
  • Jesus owes him 12 bucks
  • Likes watching the living
Memorable Quote:

Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.

4.) Alyssa Jones

  • Bisexual
  • Creator of Idiosyncratic Routine and Chasing Amy
  • Experimented alot in high school
Memorable Quote:

"You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.....And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference."

3.) Dante Hicks

Why is he #3?

I'm not even suppose to be here today is now a legendary line in the pop culture lexicon. Dante Hicks. The working man's slacker. He is the dude who as he goes on to tell Randall, shit in his pants so as to not disturb things so he could shit comfortably. Dante likes hockey, hates working on his day off and is by far the most disturbed everyman we've come to love.

  • Steadily employed at the Quick Stop
  • Plays hockey
  • Was #37
Memorable Quote:

"Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets."

2.) Silent Bob

Why is he #2?

Because when he talks, he always has something profound to say. Silent Bob the heterosexual lifemate of the penultimate stoner Jay. The backwards cap, long coat and the constant smoking. He is the MESSAGE of the movie. The comic relief. The bedrock of the ViewAskewniverse. Without Silent Bob, could we stand Jays constant yapping? Ahh Silent Bob, speak up, we can't hear you.

  • Avid Smoker
  • Has Jedi like powers
  • Is eerily quiet
Memorable Quote:

"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

1.) Randal Graves

Why is he #1?

The ultimate slacker. Loves hermaphroditic porn. Hates all the video store customers. Makes judgments about society and the world around him.....and actually does something about it. A loyal friend and a deranged fuck. A passive aggressive anarchist. Knowledgeable about pop culture and the inner workings of a nudie booth. Believes the flying car is an invention all mankind should enjoy. Why you ask?

In an abridged summary, Randal is comfortable where he is, at peace with his station in life. But his hysterical rants are logical and as always offbeat and always inappropriate. Whereas Dante is the everyday working stiff, he is the stiff who works everyday. Randal knows his situation, accepts it but still causes trouble. He is the dude you want to be... a obnoxious, arrogant asshole but in a really smart sorta way. Randal...the dude with attitude. And that kooky Randalling he does. Now that's class.

  • Steadily employed at RST Video
  • Likes hermaphroditic porn
  • Doesn't appreciate people's ruses.
Memorable Quote:

"Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! There you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt about it with his present girlfriend? You want someone to blame for today? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here under your own volition. You like to think that the weight of the world rests on Dante's shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Christ, you overcompensate for what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic and important than it really is. You work at a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work at a shitty video store, badly as well. That guy Jay's got it right, man. He's got no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to think that we're so much more advanced than the people that come in here everyday to buy paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?"

Did I miss your favorite character? Got someone to add in? Love the list? Hate the list? Sound off my jaded viewers.

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  1. ah, that is great steve/dave... met the whole lot of them at
    a convention... over the years... crazy meat puppets!

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