Django Unchained (Review)

Django Unchained

Django Unchained (2012)

Directed by Quentin Tarantino

Movies these days are not events. We see a flick and for 90 or so minutes we're entertained. But for some of us who grew up on Quentin Tarantino films, it's a little bit different. I saw Pulp Fiction in the theater. And then all his successive films were must see in the theater.

So when Django Unchained came calling, I was buzzed and hyped. And I know why.

Because nobody can craft a film like he can.

Django Unchained whisks you into a world where HIS characters, his conversations, his heroes and villains are like no other. He can give you a blood bath in one scene and a serious satirical take on the horrible history of this country. I posted a 5 Movies You Need To See Before You Watch Django Unchained. It's a good list but nothing can compare to the movie itself.  It's a fantastic homage to the spaghetti westerns we've all seen though I wouldn't call myself an expert. Insano Steve luckily was and appreciated the cliches. Extreme closeups, nice exterior shots, men on horseback riding into the sunset.  We get them all in Django and in a world of CGI -fests, seeing a movie BE a movie pre-technology is refreshing.

Some said a spoof on slavery is blasphemy or that tackling a revenge thriller with slavery somehow insults the past (ahem Spike). But here's the thing. The mass of jabronis  won't see Lincoln or some history biopic about the past. Something has to hook them. When you want to talk about something serious, something important about the past or how the world is, you need to roll it up in some fuckin awesome salsa (see Serbian Film). That's what Django does. It shows the horror of slavery but puts some hot sauce in it. And in a way it works.

Masses of people saw Django. In the theater I was in some black people were so distraught they walked out. I'm not sure what they thought they were going to see but fuck, I mean it's Tarantino slavery revenge epic, what did you think this was? In another ironic twist, outside the theater a black girl was being arrested by a seemingly all white NYPD. I thought Django would ride into the middle of Times Square to exact some revenge-o-mundo.

I won't rehash plot here as you probably know the story by now. What I will say is the the scenes of slavery are pretty horrific (though they are tame in comparison to Goodbye Uncle Tom's). It's a backdrop to Jamie Foxx who as Django clearly vibes of revenge incarnate. As King Schultz (Christoph Waltz in a stellar performance) guiding our bounty hunter to be, they become the awesome duo bring back memories of Jules and Vincent. In one scene during dinner, Django so close to his wife tenses up as Calvin Candie spews out his racist dialogue and window shops his "property". It's suspenseful, full of anguish for both the character and viewer that both are in pain. It's scenes like this that are pure Tarantino.

What the younglings don't understand is that QT intentionally writes these scenes out. Like the aftermath in Reservoir Dogs, QT doesn't have you go straight to Candyland. No No. He has Django and Schultz ride up with Candie and crafts scenes of horror so you understand the disgusting plight of how the black man was treated in the 1800s. And so Calvin Candie becomes an evil you have never seen. Leonardo DiCaprio is unbelievably magnificent giving off a wickedness one can expect from every performance. Seeing DiCaprio play a villain is such a change of pace, I can see why he wanted to be part of this film.

Also, like in Inglorious Basterds, villains come in many forms. Who we perceive as the ultimate villain is just a red herring to seeing the person we really should hate. With IB, it was Hitler as the face of evil but by the end we see it's Hans Landa being the focus. In Django Unchained, Candie is plastered all over the trailer and poster but we begin to see Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson) is the man that has more to lose than Candie. Even Candie begins to adapt, recognizing Django as a unique and "intriguing" free man, being even open to allowing him to question his motives. But Stephen, as a house slave does not want the status quo to change. In a hilarious scene he questions who fuck this [insert N word here] is riding this horse. He has power and does not want to share it. Who is more evil in this twisted world?

And then after we've monologued with some brilliant conversations and dialogue, QT gives us a fucked up bloodbath on a massive scale. Bounty hunting like a motherfucker. Whips, shotguns and pure relentless Smith and Wesson shootouts. It's the Southern blood bath every body had hoped for. Even QT's cameo came with a shocking ending.

Add in the ridiculous cameos (yeah we saw you Mr. Hill) and hilarious wardrobe selection by our freed Django and the goofy one liners, it all ads up to a magnificent, breathtaking film that is a cult classic for the masses and critics alike.

Django Unchained is loads of fun. Quentin Tarantino is the original master of the revenge epic (sorry Chan Wook Park)and he is the genius we deserve and the one we need right now. When a QT film releases, it's an event. What we need to appreciate is that these events may be a long time coming but we need to see them for what they are.

An original movie wrapped up in an amalgamation of genres, with a side of satire with some damn hot sriracha sauce. Now that's fuckin yummy.

Rating:


Check out the trailer below.
 

Categories: blaxploitation, django unchained, inglourious basterds review, quentin tarantino, western

5 Movies You Need To See Before You Watch Django Unchained

Well you could see a ton of Sergio Leone flicks or the aptly titled Django. You should have already seen all of Tarantino's other films. But my list of films before you see Q.T.'s latest are below. I'll tell you the truth, I'm damn psyched to see Django Unchained as Tarantino looks primed to mix the humor and violence the likes we haven't seen since Pulp. I can see Christopher Waltz and Jamie Foxx playing a perfect Jules/Vincent duo but we will get a DiCaprio that would make Hans Landa and Marsellus Wallace cringe.
But before we see this probable masterpiece on Christmas, here's some films that you should check out before the white man gets his ass stuffed with cotton.


5.) Boss Nigger

The Jaded Viewer says: Fred Williamson as a black bounty hunter in an all white town. And it's a western? Yup. Look at this plot (via IMDB)

Two black bounty hunters ride into a small town out West in pursuit of an outlaw. They discover that the town has no sheriff, and soon take over that position, much against the will of the mostly white townsfolk. They raise hell, chase women, and milk the locals for cash, while waiting for the opportunity to get their man.  

4.) Black Dynamite

The Jaded Viewer says: It's the funniest blaxsploitation spoof in recent years (check out my review) If you're just looking for straight laughs, you need to see this flick. Michael Jai White is hilarious. It's the next generation's I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.



3.) Sukiyaki Western Django

The Jaded Viewer says: I think Quentin Tarantino would agree with this pick as he is in Takashi Miike's crazy take on the spaghetti western. Haven't you ever wanted to see Japanese speak western twang, samurai swords and all out craziness. Who knows? Maybe Tarantino even took a few things from SWD and brought it onto Django Unchained.




2.) El Topo

The Jaded Viewer says: Alejando Jodorowsky's El Topo created the midnight movie. It's so surreal and insanely crazy, the trailer says it's not even a western. It goes beyond it. I loved this film the first time I saw it. Just a pure mindfuck in ever conceivable way. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw some elements of El Topo in Django Unchained.



1.) Goodbye Uncle Tom

The Jaded Viewer says: What the most fucked up movie about slavery disguised as a black power movie? Mondo Cane directors Gualtiero Jacopetti and Franco Prosperi deliver that to you and some. I still can't get that image of a little white girl racing through a field with a little black boy in chains. I'm pretty sure Q.T. saw this flick and said I could make something better. It's kinda messed up, but if you ever wanted to see Amistad but on steroids, this is it.

Do you have any other films you think should be on this list? Chime in and let me know your thoughts of Django Unchained!

Categories: Alejandro Jodorowsky films, black dynamite, blaxploitation, el topo, goodbye uncle tom, quentin tarantino, Sukiyaki Western Django Trailer, takashi miike

Hobo with a Shotgun (Review)

Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Directed by Jason Eisener

"Delivering justice, one shell at a time..."

Don't fuck with the homeless.

That's the lesson I learned after watching Hobo with a Shotgun, the infamous grindhouse trailer turned full frontal feature from director Jason Eisener. If this was the 3rd film in a triple feature with Planet Terror and Death Proof, I'd have to say it was the best of the three by far.

Hobo with a Shotgun punched me in the face with it's witty humor, clever cleverisms and pure blood drenched awesomeness. It's a time travel throwback to 80s Troma mixed in with Street Trash and would be a banned video nasty if this were 1985. Each scene is like a mini trailer in itself, which you could cut up and edit and make 10 more trailers out of the film.

But even though it's hilariously ridiculous and you start scratching your head with one WTF after the other, it still never loses it's power to make you laugh, make you scream and make you applaud like a pimp at a whore convention.

Hobo with a Shotgun hits harder than a cop during a riot. You're not going to get a better throwback grindhouse movie this year. And for the first time in a long time, I'm giving it the highest rating the jaded viewer can bestow.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A train pulls into the station - it's the end of the line. A Hobo jumps from a freight car, hoping for a fresh start in a new city. Instead, he finds himself trapped in an urban hell. This is a world where criminals rule the streets and Drake, the city's crime boss, reigns supreme alongside his sadistic murderous sons, Slick & Ivan.

Amidst the chaos, the Hobo comes across a pawn shop window displaying a second hand lawn mower. He dreams of making the city a beautiful place and starting a new life for himself. But as the brutality continues to rage around him, he notices a shotgun hanging above the lawn mower... Quickly, he realizes the only way to make a difference in this town is with that gun in his hand and two shells in its chamber.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

There's not an overcomplicated story here. The movie is exactly what the title says. It's about a hobo with a shotgun. But our hobo (Rutger Hauer) arrives in Scum Town (renamed Fuck town by the locals) and immediately realizes this is one fucked up town. The town is run by Drake (Brian Downey), a clean cut evil crime boss who with his two sons Slick and Ivan (who are preppie douchebag killers) are willing to display their cruel and unusual punishment to keep the locals in line.

Did I mention the film takes place circa sometime in the 80s?

That's the first thing that makes you go WTF. Our hobo wanders the streets and we see what he sees. Boom boxes, video cassette video cameras, arcade machines and 80s jazzy clothing that makes you think we're in some Beastie Boys video. And it wouldn't be the 80s without some fuckin coke right? Cocaine is like Krispy Kreme donuts. Everybody is addicted! The town is full of low life pimps, bumfight entrepreneurs and Santa child predators. It's a fuckin shitty place.

Soon he meets a hot prostitute Abby and saves her from the clutches of our asshole preps. Abby and our hobo seemed to be both misfits in a town full of crazies but they start to form a bond. When you think HWAS would start to slow down during these non gore soaked moments, it doesn't. The conversation between our Hobo and our whore are hilarious. From talking about bears, an alternate job for Abby and to our Hobo's dream of buying a lawnmower!?!? so he can start his own business, the ridiculous and over the top conversation is as equally if not more awesome than the succeeding gore and splatter that embody a homeless man exacting vengeance with a shotgun.

Which brings us to the grindhouse and exploitation masterpiece that's been constructed by Eisener. It has a look and feel of a grindhouse films from the opening titles (Filmed in Technicolor!) to the shades of green and red tints that resemble your vintage graininess. But red is the color that dominates Hobo with a Shotgun and we get buckets of it. Your Gore-ipedia includes ripped off heads, shotgun trauma, blood splatter windows, hand splatter, neck gore and some sick slice and dice.

Once we get to the mid camp ending, all hell has broken loose. After some close calls in a battle between Slick and Ivan versus Hobo and Abby Drake brings in the big guns called "The Plague" to take down our Hobo who's been cleaning the gutter trash criminals off the street. These 2 heavily armored metal rejects slaughter a hospital staff before we get a Mad Max finale complete with a Mexican standoff.

Rutger Hauer is nearly flawless as our 100% hobo vigilante. It's like he copied the persona of one of the bumfight participants and as he yammers in his peculiar conversations you get 100% hooked. He's an old cranky man who knows shit and Hauer makes it believable. Downey as Drake plays it pretty over the top and our two preppie douchebags (Gregory Smith and Nick Bateman) give performances like they were mutated evil from a John Hughes film. Molly Dunsworth as Abby evolves from down and out hooker to an ever dedicated sidekick and does a great job looking hot and kicking ass.

Everything from Hobo with a Shotgun is viciously fucked up. It lives up to it's title because it's initial premise evolves into a full frontal assault of pure tastelessness. From vulgarities revolving orifices to maddening threats of torture, it's going to be obscene just to be obscene. Damn how I love that. I love the fact it never wavers, never says let's be a little PG-13 here or be a little tame in this scene. Nope. It goes all out to make you feel like you've been exploited for having seen this. Your going to laugh at seeing somebody get the shit beaten out of em and your not going to feel guilty at all.

Neo grindhouse has been on the up and up with remakes of 70s cult classics being assembly line made. It's refreshing to see a homegrown (in this case Canada) being made. Hobo with a Shotgun is old and new. If this was made in the 80s, it would SO be remade by now. It's because of all this that I proudly give Hobo with a Shotgun the rare 4 spinkicks.

Now give that homeless man on the street corner some spare change or you might get a hole in your chest.

Nude-ipedia

We get some titties

WTF moment

The Plague battle an octopus?!?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I was able to see this gem during a screening courtesy of Magnet Releasing. Hobo with a Shotgun comes out on April 1st on Demand and May 6th in theaters. Here are some interesting fun facts:

• Original grindhouse trailer was made for $150 and won the SXSW Tarantino/Rodriguez Grindhouse trailer competition
• The Director of Photagraphy is Karim Hussain who made the cult classic Subconscious Cruelty
• Producer Rob Cotterhill (with Eisener) made the short Treevenge
• Only a few scenes from the original fake trailer made it to the feature

The Vitals

• The offical site
• Facebook Page

Rating:

Check out the trailer.



Here's the original fake trailer

Categories: 2009 grindhouse movies, 2011 horror movies, 70s grindhouse movies, exploitation, exploitation film, grindhouse, hobo with a shotgun, quentin tarantino, robert rodriguez

Happy Thanksgiving from The Jaded Viewer!

I know everybody will put up the Eli Roth Grindhouse trailer so I might as well to. The interesting thing here is that Thanksgiving is going to supposedly be a full length movie. It'll be interesting to see if it can be awesome like Machete was. Hell, I wanna see a longer, extended cut of the cheerleader trampoline scene.

In any case, don't piss off any pilgrims this Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Jaded Viewer!

Categories: eli roth, grindhouse, happy thanksgiving, jadedviewer.com, quentin tarantino, thanksgiving trailer, the jaded viewer

Hobo with a Shotgun (Trailer)

With the release of Machete, which was based on Robert Rodriguez's fake trailer in Grindhouse we are seeing a resurgence in the exploitation/grindhouse genre. But Machete isn't the only fake trailer that's been turned into a feature length movie.

Yup, Hobo with a Shotgun is also becoming a film.

If you haven't heard of this film, it was made by Nova Scotia, Canadian filmmakers Jason Eisener, John Davies, and Rob Cotteril. It won Robert Rodriguez's SXSW grindhouse contest and was included in Grindhouse when it was released in Canada. The fake trailer itself is awesome. Check it out below.





Now, its been made as a full length film starring Rutgar Hauer! Here be the plot:

A vigilante homeless man pulls into a new city and finds himself trapped in urban chaos, a city where crime rules and where the city's crime boss reigns. Seeing an urban landscape filled with armed robbers, corrupt cops, abused prostitutes and even a pedophile Santa, the Hobo goes about bringing justice to the city the best way he knows how - with a 20-gauge shotgun. Mayhem ensues when he tries to make things better for the future generation. Street justice will indeed prevail.

Here is the official trailer:





It has a Troma-ville feel to it. Very much like Street Trash and Combat Shock. This is true blood and guts filth at its finest. We'll see if it can live up to its fake trailer like Machete did.

What do you think?

Categories: 2009 grindhouse movies, canada, canadian horror, exploitation, exploitation film, grindhouse, hobo with a shotgun, machete, quentin tarantino, robert rodriguez

The WTF List: Machete (Review)

In the YouTube clip I posted on Friday it says Danny Trejo has played a killer in 62 movies. He's played a rapist in 25 movies. And he's played a killer who is a rapist in 19 movies. Talk about being typecast.

But that's all over now for Danny Trejo. He is Machete and boy can he fuck up people badly as a good guy as he does a bad guy. Machete is mega-tastic and hits on all cylinders. As a grindhouse/exploitation film, as an action film and as a comedy. It even works as Skinemax!

It's bar none one of the best movies this year. Full of the Times Square grindyness I adore it has so many WTF moments you can't help but fuckin applaud. Robert Rodriguez takes the Tarantino formula into exteeeminess, pure of adrenaline knife slaughter, side Jessica Alba boobage and a stoned out Lindsay Lohan.

I originally debated which would be better Machete or the Expendables? Over the weekend, I saw both and Machete wins on all counts.

Is there more to say? Yes there is so on to the WTF List!

1.) Machete's opening slaughter is magnificio!
2.) I love the 6 million dollar man sound effects for Seagal's katana
3.) These McLaughlin ads are not too far off from the real thing....thanks Arizona.
4.) A couple of shots from the fake Grindhouse trailer didn't make it into the movie (but most of it)
5.) Jeezus Jessica Alba is fuckin hawt
6.) Jeezus Michelle Rodriguez is fuckin hawt
7.) I was in Austin a few weeks ago...I didn't know a race war would happen so soon
8.) Jeff Fahey is so good as a bad guy...it was hard for me to see him Lost as Lapidus
9.) The intenstines scene is so fuckin bad ass I just shit in my pants
10.) The bullet stopped the other bullet...fuckin brilliant!
11.) Machete...you so the ladies man!
12.) Yummy side boobage from Jessica Alba
13.) Oh boy...can you believe we're seeing a race war in a movie?
14.) Seagal is playing a Mexican who thinks he's Japanese
15.) Everything doesn't make any sense....just like a true grindhouse movie!
16.) Everytime I see a shot from the original trailer, it gives me a happy
17.) Cheech kicks ass for the Lord
18.) Don Johnson is damn good as a white supremacist
19.) Torrez vs Machete was ehhhh...whoa....WTF?
20.) Don't fuck with the myth!

**********************************

A very fun flick where you can turn off your brain and laugh at the insanity. I'm sure Machete was a big hit in Arizona. Should Machete have been an hour and 40? Of course not. But somehow it went by mega fast. The CGI blood and guts were sometimes a little too obvious but forgivable as that's what R.R. does.

Oh btw...Machete don't text.

Rating:
Check out the original grindhouse trailer below!

Categories: danny trejo, exploitation, exploitation film, grindhouse, jessica alba, machete, quentin tarantino, robert rodriguez

Machete's Danny Trejo is one bad ass Mexican!!!

Obviously Machete comes out today and it's on everybody's must see list. But taking a look at Danny Trejo's long and illustrious career, there is one common theme: He's a "That Guy" in the villain Hall of Fame. And whenever he showed up you could count on a few things:

• He is going to kill somebody
  
• He is going to look badass doing it
• He is going to die in the most gruesome way possible
  

So playing the hero is going to be new for all of us. Even in his most recent film, Predators he was a Mexican cartel enforcer who of course dies horribly. Not a lot of people could tell you while watching a Trejo film who this now most recognizable actor is. Your first reaction upon seeing Trejo onscreen was probably like mine: "OMG! It's the dude from From Dusk Til Dawn!!"

But with Machete, we're going to get to see more Danny than the usually allotted 15 minutes of his screen time. And I have to tell you I'm psyched to see he's getting his due in a leading role. But let's stop the motherfuckin praise and see this bad ass Mexican in action.

I've compiled a few of the best compilations found on YouTube for your pre-Machete enjoyment.

Danny Trejo killing robots in Eyeborgs! "You binary bastards!"





Danny Trejo fuckin people up in "Desperado"





Danny Trejo kills a teddy bear.





Danny Trejo snorts coke and kills hot naked women.





Danny Trejo mows the lawn.





Danny Trejo can make a big blockbuster grindhouse movie and in the same year make a low budget grindhouse movie. He is fuckin awesome.





And finally, a solid mashup just in time for his new role as the "GOOD GUY".





Congrats Danny Trejo! It was about time you killed the rapists and the killers while playing a rapist killer. Don't mess with the Trejo motherfucker.

Categories: danny trejo, exploitation film, eyeborgs, grindhouse, machete, mexican border, mexico, quentin tarantino, Revenge movie, robert rodriguez

It's Comic Con Time! What's your other side of geekiness???

San Diego Comic Con 2010 starts today and lots of my friends are at SD as I speak. I've been to New York Comic Con twice and its quite crazy and massive. It's an experience everybody has to have once so we all can channel our inner geek (because being a geek is now so fashionably cool).

As this site is mostly devoted to 70% horror, cult and exploitation geekiness, there are a couple of other followings I am also a part of. Why am I going to tell you what these are?

Because an unknown masked man has pointed a gun to my head and demanded I tell you all!!!!

You all know some part of you has some other geeky following you're a part of...I'm just admitting it now because my life depends on it! OK so here we go.

• Star Trek: Yes folks, I'm 60% Trekkie. I watched all the series but I really dug TNG and DS9 mostly. I loved JJ Abrams reboot and I do have a few DVDs and toys in my home. Make it so!
• Harry Potter: I'll admit it. I read ALL THE BOOKS and have watched all the movies. Somehow back in 2000, I was led to believe it was acceptable for a man in his 20s to read a childrens book and I got hooked. Wands, potions, Voldemort and Hogwarts. I'm a muggle but I love me some magic.
• Back to the Future: Great Scott! This is my favorite trilogy ever (more than Star Wars or the Matrix, etc). I've always been a time travel diehard and really considered getting a DeLorean at one point (I'm not kidding)
• Tarantino: I'm a big Quentin Tarantino fan and have all his movies (well except Inglorious Basterds and Grindhouse (that shits gotta be one movie dammit!). We're all Q.T. fans in some form but his movies are totally MUST SEE for me.
• Kevin Smith: Yup, I dig the fat man from Jersey. I've seen all his films (well except Cop Out as I'll wait to see this on DVD). I've actually seen Smith perform his Evening with at Carnegie Hall. It was mega awesome.
  

OK...is that enough Mr. Masked Man with the very large hand cannon? I've admitted all my geekiness to the blogosphere. What more do you want??

You want others to tell everybody what their hidden geek cult following is as well? OK guys and gals, what are you a secret devoted follower of? C'mon now, time to share.

It's Comic Con time. It's the perfect time to reveal your inner geekiness. Umm and the masked man really wants to know.....

Categories: comic con 2010, comics, geek, jadedviewer.com, ny comic con, quentin tarantino, star trek, star trek deep space nine, the jaded viewer

Bitch Slap (Review)

Bitch Slap

Bitch Slap(2009)

Directed by Rick Jacobson

Bitch Slap was one of my most anticipated exploitation movies of 2009. I mean the trailers oozed of gratuitous sex, violence and boobies. So without a doubt in my mind, I knew I needed to see this pronto. Well it took me a while but I finally got to see this throwback to all that is grindhouse and exploitation of old.

Bitch Slap is an homage to those genres, ripe with T&A and some serious amounts of bitch slapping. You're not going to be intellectually stimulated by the film (though if you got the XY chromosome you'll be stimulated in another way). Let's make this simple and do the math here.

Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!

So a typical review would be pointless here. So I'm going to just answer the questions you have in your perverted little mind.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK, I know my reviews tend to be long drawn out paragraphs. So for mass consumption intellect, here is a very easy to read Q&A review, one even George W. Bush could understand.

1.) Oh for the love of all that is nipples, just tell me already does any of the hot looking stars in the film get naked???

Sadly, no. Our 3 sexy vixens, Hel (Erin Cummings), Camero (America Olivo) and Trixie, the "Perfect 10" (Julia Voth) keep most of their clothes on (the few they are actually wearing).

In other words, these aren't the nipples you're looking for.

2.) I heard there is serious amounts of lesbianism, women on women sex, lots of boobie groping and even a montage of the 3 splashing water on each other in a climaxing slo mo. So it's a family movie right?

Oh most definitely. Yup, lots of Baywatch slo mo (director Rick Jacobsen is a Baywatch alum) of our trio acting uber slutty with closeups of their yummy parts. This all hits an apex when the 3 have a water fight dumping pails of water on their perfect looking bodies....ummm I'll be right back......

OK I'm back. There's also a hot scene of Trixie and Hel going all L Word on each other. Man oh man, I think I have my new favorite hottie in Julie Voth.

3.) I could just go and surf for porn or even watch some Skinemax for some hot chicks. So why should I watch this shit?

Well, because what porn and Skinemax don't have is serious amounts of bitch slapping and chick on chick violence. Fight choreographer Zoe Bell (from Tarantino's Death Proof) has designed the ultimate kick ass scenes for you to enjoy.

Not since Nada vs Frank in They Live has their been an uber fight scene that lasted for at least 10-15 minutes. And we just don't get one fight, we get 2!

4.) So who' s the big bad in all of this?

Plenty of enemies get the call including Road Warrior reject Hot Wire, his own GoGo Yubari Kinki and a mysterious Keyser Soze ultimate super villain of legend, Pinky.

5.) What the fuck dude? I heard there are a bunch of flashbacks to explain the plot in this. Can you explain because I get dizzy when that happens.

So to get to why they are in the middle of the desert searching for the diamonds, everybody's back story is told in flashbacks ranging from 6 months, to 3 days to 3 weeks. The flashbacks tell how everybody met and are quite the hoot.

Camaro in a convent taking advantage of nuns, Trixie is a stripper who using her assets to get the info she needs and Hel's got some government contacts and isn't who she says she is. Lots of hilarity ensues and its all kooky crazy.

6.) I heard there are a few cameos from people I know. Is Taylor Swift in this and if so, is she naked?

Sorry, I don't want to interrupt but Julie Voth got better boobs then you do. Yup, there are cameos. Kevin Sorbo makes a cameo as does Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. If you watched Xena, Renee O'Connor makes an appearance as well as does Zoe Bell herself.

Also the midget prostitute from Total Recall (I shit you not)

7.) Can you check again if any of the stars got naked in this? C'mon maybe you missed a nipple slip.

Sorry no dude. But America Olivo got naked in Friday the 13th, so go watch that. On second thought, don't.

8.) I heard that the women in this movie are strong, powerful female characters who are not just beautiful but are also intelligent and evoke some feminist message about empowerment. Is this true?


**Wipes drool** Yeah sure. Whatever you say.

9.) So there's a twist right?

Yeah, even a monkey with a computer could figure out this twist.

10.) Is their enough to warrant a sequel so that I can see Julie Voth again?

Yup. Most definitely. We all want that.

If you have anymore questions, leave em in the comments below. Bitch Slap is total mindless B-movie fun. Sure it's like a strip club, all tease but no show (or touching in a sense) but it is very arousing and very stimulating.

Lots of punches to the face, high powered assault rifles, yo-yo's with razors attached to them and solid bitch slapping. It does get a little cheesy at times, where the characters are completely ACME cartoon cutouts or Skinemax parody movies. It really does feel like one of those Skinemax movies where the pseudo porn stars play secret agents or horny aliens looking for men to prey on.

But the thing about Bitch Slap is it actually feels like its a better quality of Skinemax. The 3 stars are decent actresses and make the laughable movie into something actually tolerable.

The best way to describe it is when your skimming through a copy of Maxim sometimes there's an article on some ex Green Beret special ops guy who killed like an army all by himself and you stop looking at the pics to read the article. Good article, awesome pictures.

WTF Moment

Gratuitous slo-mo water fight....Yes!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Bitch Slap had a limited run in the theaters and comes out on DVD March 2. It's one of those movies that the trailer made look so freakin awesome. Does it live up to the hype? Sorta. I mean it's got the best cleavage closeups I've seen in a while. Remember dude.

Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!

Check out the official site for a high def trailer.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.





Tags:
bitch slap, bitch slap trailer , bitch slap unrated uncensored trailer , faster pussycat kill kill kill, b-movie, grindhouse, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, muscle car movies, big boobs, horror blog, horror blog cult classic, the jaded viewer

Categories: 2009 exploitation movies, b-movie, bitch slap, bitch slap trailer, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, julie voth, muscle cars, nudity, quentin tarantino

The WTF List: Inglourious Basterds

I'm a big Quentin Tarantino fan. I just appreciate the fact that his movies are combinations of different grindhouse subgenres (crime thriller, kung fu mania, spaghetti western, war machine, etc.) The argument for the anti Tarantino fans is that he "steals" from other movies. To this I say, all films steal from other sources be it other movies or novels or TV or whatever.

So Inglourious Basterds is a mix of spaghetti western and that 70s-80s war machine shootapalooza (the soundtrack had that old 70s war music feel). And it works even as a "what if" alternate timeline flick. Movies are suppose to take you to a place which warps the real world. Where the impossible becomes possible. And I love those "What if the South won the civil war?" premises that sci fi authors like Harry Turtledove have created. Or what if we Germany did take over the world. And QT says what would happen if we had some Jewish soldiers slaughter dem Nazi bastards and try to take down Hitler.

What we get is just pure, relentless awesomeness. So much pure war brutality and harmonic dialogue that you've come to expect from Tarantino.

So let's get to the WTF list shall we? (spoilers obviously)

1.) The fact the switch from French to English is commented on
2.) Jew Bear
3.) The guy who played Hitler is hilarious
4.) QT's dialogue machine is very much butchered in the fact that most of it is done in French or German and it just doesn't feel the same
5.) STIGLITZ!!! (the Vincent character of IB)
6.) It's Ryan from the Office
7.) Was that Austin Powers undercover?
8.) So Eddie Murphy was potentially gonna play the black guy? (see IMDB trivia)
9.) I-talians
10.) People you thought would live, didn't. You're never safe in a QT flick
11.) Poor Wilhelm (he screamed)
12.) A Mexican standoff never gets old
13.) The scalping is so gore-ific
14.) The branding is painfully knife-tastic
15.) Hans Landa is probably one of the best villains....ever
16.) Pipe vs Pipe
17.) "You don't got to be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't want to fight in a basement."
18.) The bumrush to kill Hitler by Donowitz and Ulmer
19.) The slaughter in the theater
20.) Hitler's bullet ridden body bulleted again and again and again

21.) My random rant. Having seen this flick with mostly jabronis and a few geeks, you knew that the obvious fact that QT had to visually point out the Nazi authority baddies is brilliant. Goebbels, Goering... Not many know of the famous SS Nazis and 2nd in command other than Hitler.

I've seen all of Tarantino's movies and if I had to put a quick ranking it would go like this.

1.) Pulp Fiction
2.) Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2
3.) Inglourious Basterds
4.) Reservoir Dogs
5.) Jackie Brown
6.) Death Proof

Inglourious Basterds is a great flick, thru and thru written for the intellectuals, the fan boys and the masses. I mean it's rather talky, but the dialogue always builds up to a payoff and boy the payoffs just scream yay. I'm going to have to watch this again.

Categories: 2009 exploitation movies, 2009 grindhouse movies, inglourious basterds review, Kill Bill, pulp, quentin tarantino, the wtf list

Hell Ride (Review)

Hell Ride

Hell Ride (2008)

Directed by Larry Bishop

The 3 B's. Bikers, Beer and Booty. That's the philosophy behind The Victors gang. I especially like the booty part.

Lots of booty. And girls. Naked big breasted girls. It was a multicultural smorgasboard of biker babes and strippers.

So much hotness, you can get easily confused. It was like being on nudity heroin.

But once you become sober, you begin to realize that Hell Ride gives you full frontal and nothing else.

And in my opinion, you can't call that a movie.

Executive produced by the one and only Quentin Tarantino, and directed by Larry Bishop (a legendary biker movie director), this modern day update of 70s biker movies. Seriously, I'm no expert in this genre but in the 21st century, this is the one grindhouse subgenre that just doesn't translate well.

And that shortcoming doesn't even bring up the main fuck up of this movie.

It's all style and no substance.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The story deals with the characters Pistolero, the Gent and Comanche and the deadly, unfinished business among them.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I think there were more scenes of bikers and babes fucking than bikers vs bikers in shootouts. Let me doublecheck. Yup. That's right.

For every scene where Bishop tries to write some Tarantino-ish dialogue (which can be summed up in a lengthy "fire"innuendo between our main dude Pistolero and his bikette) we get our Victors enjoying the fruits of their labor.

Be it in a hippie bonfire commune with a belly of naked hotties or in a midwest fashion show of silicon enhanced chicks mud wrestling. As much as I love scenes filled with 120% gratuitous nudity, you figure you'd get your even distribution of fancy, ridiculous shootouts with massive explosions. And I especially like my shootouts and bike chases with some plot that keeps me entertained.

The characters of Pistolero (Bishop), the Gent (Madsen) and Commanche (Eric Balfour) are entertaining and slick suited, but at 70 minutes you're not really gonna go into back story which might have elevated this movie into some memorable lines. We even get a cameo from Eddie Zero (Dennis Hopper) which just seems like it was way too homage-y.

Our main adversaries for the Victors are the Six Six Six (Sixers) gang who led by The Deuce (David "Kill Bill" Carradine) and Billy Wings (Vinnie Jones). And they weren't that even fuckin intimidating. The fuckin Guardian Angels could kick their ass.

Some revenge plot or some shit is thrown in and a mysterious safe desposit box generates some deux ex machina.

Whatever.

Even the climactic ending was well, without a climax.

The best part of Hell Ride is the gratuitous nudity. I can't believe I wrote that. But it's true. It looks like a overmaxed Tarantino film but not filled with the detail that you would get from QT. Even in a short 60 minutes, QT's Death Proof gave you hottie characters in a time warped muscle car movie.

Ehhh. What a big disappointment. Bikes. Beer. Booty and Babes. How could that not turn out good?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Throat slicing
Gunshot wounds
Arrow trauma
Headshots
Beheading
Fire killing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Nudy magazine nudity
Hippie girl nudity (some full frontal)
Biker girl nudity (some full frontal)
Stripper nudity (some full frontal)
Cherokee Indian girl nudity
Asian girl nudity (full frontal)
Girl on Girl action
Hot oil wrestling girl on girl action
Punk rock girl nudity

WTF moment

Just seeing a hot Filipina chick go full frontal made me go....WTF!?!?! Awesome.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Some style, no substance. Just because Quentin Tarantino's name is on this, don't see it if you think you're gonna see Death Proof but with choppers.

But fuck, if you wanna see some old guys ride bikes, fuck hotties and stage lame ass shootouts, go right ahead.

You know you just wanna watch for the gratuitous nudity anyway.

Rating:

1/2

Watch the trailer below.

Tags:
hell ride, hell ride red band trailer , quentin tarantino , bikers, michael madsen, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, jadedviewer

Categories: bikers, bloody violence, david carradine, dennis hopper, gratuitous nudity, hell ride, hell ride red band trailer, hell ride review, larry bishop, michael madsen, quentin tarantino, vinnie jones

Bitch Slap (New Trailer)

The 2nd trailer for Bitch Slap looks waaaaay better than the first. More explosions, more action, more cleavage!

Woohoo!

Check out the trailer below.






Tags:
bitch slap, bitch slap trailer , bitch slap unrated uncensored trailer , faster pussycat kill kill kill, b-movie, grindhouse, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, muscle car movies, big boobs, horror blog,cult classic, the jaded viewer

Categories: b-movie, bitch slap, bitch slap trailer, btitch slap new trailer, exploitation, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, muscle cars, quentin tarantino, thriller, top movies of 2009

Bitch Slap (Trailer)

You know what? I didn't get the memo about the blaxploitation, muscle car, Pussycat Kill Kill Kill, grindhouse revivals.

I finally got the TPS report so I'm now up to speed.

Hence after seeing the must see trailer of the year (Black Devil Doll), the 2nd most kick ass trailer has got to be from Bitch Slap.

Starring some hot blooded, kick ass, heavy artillery, much hot vixens. It's Kill Bill meets Grindhouse. Looks very Tarantino-ish but homages the revenge chick movies to a tee.

The movie stars Julia Voth (Trixie), Erin Cummings (Hel) and America Olivo (Camaro) as three bad girls who try to extort money from an underworld kingpin.

From the trailer, looks like it's going to be harder than they thought.

Check out the trailer below.

Also check out the official site for a high def trailer.

Tags:
bitch+slap, bitch slap trailer , bitch slap unrated uncensored trailer , faster pussycat kill kill kill, b-movie, grindhouse, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, muscle car movies, big boobs, horror blog, horror blog cult classic, the jaded viewer

Categories: b-movie, bitch slap, bitch slap trailer, cult clasic, exploitation, faster pussycat kill kill kill, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, muscle cars, quentin tarantino, sexual killings, top movies of 2009

Hell Ride (Red Band Trailer)

Well if its "presented by" Quentin Tarantino, it's gotta be good right? We'll instead of muscle cars, we have tuff stuff biker mother fuckers.

Good cast. Madsen, Vinnie Jones, David Carradine and Dennis Hopper.

As much as I loved Grindhouse, Larry Bishop's Hell Ride should keep my tummy yummy while I wait for Machete.

Hell Ride comes out August 8th.

Watch the trailer below.

Tags:
hell ride, hell ride red band trailer , quentin tarantino , bikers, michael+madsen, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, jadedviewer

Categories: bikers, bloody violence, david carradine, dennis hopper, gratuitous nudity, hell ride, hell ride red band trailer, hellride, larry bishop, michael madsen, quentin tarantino, vinnie jones