Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Taint (Review)

The Taint

The Taint (2010)

Directed by Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson

I think we have record for fastest shot of a pair of titties in a movie.

3 seconds.

That's how long it takes The Taint to whip out some boobies for your viewing pleasure. It's a hell of an opening for this lowest denominator flick however if you're an alpha male with a pulse, you know something moved.

I hate to be crude with my review but when you view this soon to be cult classic, you have to describe it as openly as a gay 80s montage (which we have in this flick as well).

The Taint is the next evolution of the Troma movie. I think Troma has lost touch with it's extreeminess but directors Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson have spawned a new genre of low budget horror comedy. The American WTF movie. That's what The Taint is. It's got a mild plot, some easily identifiable characters and lots of WTF. I've never seen so much WTF in my movie viewing history. That and a lot of penis. Yes folks, this movie has more penis shots than a Playgirl pictorial.

I've seen some indie budget horror coms that fall in line with The Taint. But the others never had the amount of gore and splatter this flick has. In the same vain as Black Devil Doll, Isle of the Damned, Hanger, Gutterballs and John Waters flicks it's 110% offensive and 200% fucked up fun.

Running at an unbelievable 70 minutes, you'll need to take a long cold shower after seeing this filthy filth. If you have a wife or GF, send them to movies to see a rom com because they may "Bobbit" you if they catch you watching The Taint.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

THE TAINT is an intellectual experience. It is a violent and misogynistic film about violence, misogyny, and entertainment. It features sadistic violence, gratuitous sexual content, and scenes of spellbinding dramatic interest. It also contains more cock explosions than any other movie ever. It’s the ultimate sexually-frustrated-male-nerd-emotional-masturbation-release film, done in the style of an 80’s horror-comedy.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The opening credits are done VHS special effects 80s style which time travel you back to those 80s gorefests we all loved. After the boobie montage, we meet Phil O'Ginny, a blonde hipster slacker dude who seems to have found himself in the middle of a misogynistic crazy men massacre. The men, with full frontal penis dangling are attacking the scantily clad women all across this small American town. That's some heavy duty WTF don't ya think?

Suffice it to say, Phil's high as fuck and encounters a few interesting people along the way. He first meets Misandra who goes all flashbacky as she tells him her marriage was destroyed by the water supply that's now tainted which has caused all the men to be misogynistic maniacs. It's filled with 80s staples such as montagy picnics in the park and mooshy face cave ins.

Later Phil and Misandra meet up with a Phil's old PE teacher and his bunch of cronies who also go all flashbacky through a Rocky style 80s montage which is filled with gay innuendo at its extreme. Seeing a dude pumping iron and wrestling seemed so innocent to us back in the 80s. Not so much today and the parody of this is hilarious.

Now almost beaten to a pulp, Phil is saved by a masked stranger who in his former life was a scientist who with his science team (complete with fancy gizmos and calculators) try to create cockzantium (a drug so that all dudes can get BJs). The Nazi propaganda commercial devised for this fucked up Viagra is LOL funny.

So it's up to Phil to save the day and as the plot-o-matic says, we get more cock explosions than I've ever seen in a movie.....ever.

Stuffed into the flick is a funny bunny cartoon and tons of naked women getting slaughtered in all sorts of ways. Slice and dice, large rock to the face trauma and more penis oozing than a porn movie. Bodily fluids are evacuated from every orifice in The Taint. Don't say I didn't warn you.

For a low budget flick by some Virginia college students, The Taint is a high value production. They could have easily dragged this to 90 minutes but I'm pretty sure they didn't have that much footage. The acting is self parody edging on corniness but that's not really the point of the flick. Plot, acting, soundtrack are secondary to what the film ejaculates on screen. It's pure simple WTF and they have tons of WTF money shots for your viewing pleasure.

You can't beat this flick in that department if you cloned Waters and Kaufman together. The Taint is a 21st century fetus of 80s splatter comedy. It's totally fucked up but in that good, punch in the face sorta way. Every dude on the planet is easily mesmerized by seeing a pair of tits, but also easily traumatized by seeing full frontal cock.

You're going to see the best and worst of both worlds in The Taint and you're going to keep repeating in a loud, happy voice.....WTF!!!!!


Tons of full frontal nudity by hot women
BBA trifecta (boobs, bush and ass)
Full frontal penis


A shitload of practical and digital gore effects.

WTF moment

The cock explosions at the end

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

There is always one film a year that is so offensive, so fucked up and just pure trash that it makes my Top 10 list. Last year it was Black Devil Doll. The Taint has made a case for being on that list this year.

I can say, it's one of the funniest horror comedies I've seen this year.

If you're inner gorehound needs to be fed and if you're inner misogynist needs to be jerked off I highly recommend The Taint. You won't be disappointed by this throwback 80s splatterfest.

The Vitals

Check out the trailer below.

The Taint Trailer (NSFW) from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.

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  1. I KNEW you'd love this one. Instant cult classic indeed.

  2. Have... to see... this... now.

  3. I will be watching this ASAP, sounds terrific.

  4. Im with you on this one dude, I thought it was a blast, pure Troma written all over it!

  5. A friend of mine has a screener of this, we are saving it for a special occasion.