Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Canyon (Review)

The Canyon

The Canyon (2009)

Directed by Richard Harrah

Remember when the Brady Bunch went to visit the Grand Canyon? Wow what an adventure that was. A ghost town, a gold digger, little indian boy in trouble. What a family vacation!

Well, this is totally the opposite.

Lori (Yvonne Strahovski) and Nick (Eion Bailey) are your stereotypical newlyweds who instead of going to Hawaii and getting stalked by killers or going to Mexico to check out some ruins they take a mule ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

You gotta love the dumb, urban couple that tries to take on mother fuckin nature.

Don't worry folks. Nature wins.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A survival story about a honeymooning couple who get lost in the wide expanse of the Grand Canyon.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I've been to the Grand Canyon. It's an awesome place. Full of awe and wonder and really damn hot. But as a kick ass born and bred New Yorker, I for one will never pretend I'm Mr. Survival Man.

So lets condense this badboy into some juicy nuggets of prepackaged info. They consumate the marriage, they hire a eccentric guide, and then they tour uncharted canyon lore.

So lets pretend you're the character Nick in The Canyon and you have to Choose Your Own Adventure, here's some of the choices you may have to make....(spoilers ahead!)

1.) The Grand Canyon is out of hiking permits, do you....

Wait until next year and go have more sex at the motel. Turn to page 63.

Hire an eccentric odd man you meet at the bar to be your guide. Turn to page 2.

2.) You are completely lost in the Grand Canyon, your guide was just bitten by a rattlesnake and has died and you've walked 3 hours in scorching heat. You now are faced with a large mountain in your way.....

Backtrack and reverse course hoping you can make up the time you lost. Turn to page 93.

Say, "Fuck it!". I can climb this mountain. I've seen it on American Gladiators, it didn't look so tough. Hey I might fall and break my leg in a very grotesque fashion, but at least my hot wife can comfort me with her spectacular cleavage. Turn to page 69.

3.) Your leg is now completely broken and you can have your wife do one of two things...

Send her to get help all alone and leave you to probably die a slow and painful death. Turn to page 76.

Have her amputate your leg with a rusty knife (yeah it's going to hurt a fuckin lot). Turn to page 54.

4.) Your wife gets attacked by a pack of hungry, wild coyotes do you....

Help her fight these animals off, sacrificing yourself for her. Turn to page 104.

Pretend your passed out from that unscheduled surgery. Turn to page 48.

5.) After not eating for 3 days, suffering from heat exhaustion and your leg being infected do you...

Die. Turn to page 66.

Die after help turns up. Turn to page 66.

Its a long, slow burn of a movie that like the canyon goes on forever. Best to avoid this movie, book a trip to Arizona and see the real thing.

The Canyon has such big illogics in it, characters that feel blah and many other WTFs. Killer, coyotes?!? Really?

The best part is seeing Yvonne Strahovski's awesome cleavage. Yeah I said it.


Unscheduled leg surgery


Yvonne Strahovski's awesome cleavage

WTF moment

Smart coyotes?!?!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Grand Canyon is an awesome place. It's truly an 8th wonder of the world and everybody should go at least once to the Canyon.

Seeing The Canyon isn't a substitute. It's a waste of 100 minutes. Flip over to the Discovery Channel instead if you wanna see the awesomness.

Or to NBC's Chuck to see Yvonne Strahovski's awesome boobies.

The Canyon was released on DVD yesterday November 17th. It's available via


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  1. I am glad you took on the monumental task of sitting through and reviewing this shit heap. From watching the trailers, I thought it would take a complete 180 and something else would actually come along to ruin their escape efforts. At the least, I do like the premise. But smart coyotes? Geeeeez.....

  2. Haha, great review. I love the Choose Your Own Adventure bit. God, the CG background in the poster was the first warning sign before I ever read a synopsis. Why is this being marketed as a horror film anyway? It sounds like Homeward Bound with humans.

  3. The only thing I kept thinking about while I watched this flick was how I was going to creatively and humorously make fun of this movie.

    Sometimes that's the only way you can get through watching a boring and ridiculous movie like The Canyon.

    Note to self. Coyotes are smart and love the taste of human flesh.

  4. excuse me....try wolves. We have every other critter living at the base of mountains except wolves, thank heaven, at least they haven't traveled down this far yet. Both wolves and coyotes are smart, if given a choice they probably would have taken a pass on this movie.