Monday, November 09, 2009

Wrong Turn 3 (Review)

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

Directed by Declan O'Brien

In the first few minutes of Wrong Turn 3, we get full grade A boobies, pot smoking and ocular trauma. You gotta give a film its props for following all the cliches of a cannibal redneck horror film in its initial opening scene.

But that's where it slowly tumbles downhill. But that's not to say the tumble isn't fun. The thing about Wrong Turn 3 is your enjoying yourself while all the characters start dropping one by one. At the bottom of the hill however is a pile of corpses and you can't believe you actually witnessed this stinking pile of crap.

The funny part is I like the Wrong Turn series. Eliza Dushku and my favorite forgotten horror hottie Lindy Booth are in the original. Plus I ranked Wrong Turn 2 #7 on my Top Horror Movies of 2007. So in all likelyhood I'm gonna have to grade this film on a fucked up curve.

So horror minions, it's a review where I answer the burning questions you probably want to know before you see this or if you've already witnessed this semi atrocity, you want to hear the obvious questions answered in the most ridiculous way possible.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of people find themselves trapped in the backwoods of West Virginia, fighting for their lives against a group of vicious and horribly disfigured inbred cannibals.

(that sounds so familiar..doesn't it?)

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK, let's play Who Wants to see a redneck cannibal movie?!?

1.) So have we seen this before?

Yuppers. And I reviwed plenty of these flicks. See Dismal: Eat or be Eaten, The Cottage, Dying Breed, Gnaw and Offspring.

2.) Is Three Fingers back in this one?

Yah dude. And in this one he's like mega indestructable. I mean this hillybilly can survive gunshots to the chest, hooks to the brain and sharp poles in the stomach. WTF?!? Are their druids involved? Is his heart made out of black ooze? Does he control dream demons?

3.) I heard the plot is about of convicts and correction officers that have to survive against Three is there nudity in this?

Aside from the opening scene and some dead victim boobage, that sums up your Nude-ipedia.

4.) The token black guy totally dies tokenly...right?

Dude. Was there any doubt?

5.) I heard from another review that there are some Saw like kills in this flick. I love Saw so I'm going to put this on top of my Netflix que right after I search for porn. Is this true?

Correct-o-mundo. Here be your Gore-ipedia. I'm not sure how its possible for a redneck, cannibal inbred motherfucker to design Jigsaw like traps. I mean he's got a slice and dice trap, a sickle boobie trap, some wooden spikes trap and a barbwire type thingy. Who the fuck is this guy? Does he go to engineering school for trap making for the hideously deformed?

6.) So after watching the trailer, there seems to be some awesome splatter and gore. I like splatter and gore because I'm mentally unstable. Does that mean I'll like WT3?

Well Mr. Unstable, I thought some of the gore scenes were pretty solid. Ocular trauma, pole in the mouth, pole in the mouth exiting out of the anus, road barbwire trauma. But the movie includes the WORST FUCKIN CGI I have seen...well since Dismal: Eat or be Eaten. Did these movies go the the 99 cents store of CGI? It's almost laughable...well because it is laughable.

7.) I heard from my friend's mother's uncle's half brother's priest's cousin once removed roommate that there is a scene of Convict vs Redneck ultimate battle? Really?

Yeah it almost as bad as watching the Yankees vs Phillies in the World Series.

8.) The NAACP told me this film is racist and sexist. I'd like to know. Is it?

Well you got a Mexican convict, a white skinhead and a convict that probably should be on to Catch a Predator...oh yeah all the white people all yeah its racist and sexist. Plus the portrayal of inbred, cannibal redneck Americans from West Virgina isn't true at all. They only say that only a few West Virginians are inbred, cannibal rednecks. Let's clear up the facts. West Virginia accounts for all 100% inbred, cannibal rednecks in America. So the point is you should never EVER go to West Virginia...or you will die.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

C'mon know the answer to your own question.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Wow. The film throws a happy ending than explodes a WTF moment ending right after. I've never seen such balls to initiate a wildly ambiguous ending to warrant a sequel.

If you have any other questions, go and ahead and comment and I'll answer them in the most sarcastic and preposterous way possible.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So I'm going to give this 2 spinkicks. Remember, I'm grading on a curve. It's only 90 minutes and somehow spawned logic questions of..."How did Three Fingers survive a hook to the head, getting burned alive and then somehow getting ahead of the speeding getaway car?".

Yes horror minions, it's so dumb and stupid you probably will loose a few brain cells watching Wrong Turn 3. It's like moonshine on celluloid. But that doesn't stop us from taking a swig of this foul tasting concoction.


Check out the trailer.

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  1. Haha, I laughed my way through the entire review. I was sad after checking out some dismal reactions to this movie, as I've been excited about it for a while. You answered a lot of my questions and I'm more excited to see it again...heading into this mess, fully aware of its shortcomings.

  2. I'm glad you liked my review Becky. It's easy enough to write glowing, this is awesome reviews. I really have to think of creative ways to trash movies in a funny way.

    Poor West Virginia. The Wrong Turn movies guarantee nobody will ever visit there state...ever.

  3. I just started watching Wrong Turn last night. In some ways I'm getting really tired of the cannibal hill billy thing, and I'm pretty sure as the years go on, less and less states are becoming desirable to visit. That being said I think crazy gross hill billies will always be entertaining in some way!

    Your review makes Wrong Turn 3 seem a lot like 2001 maniacs, especially the pole in the mouth out the anus gag. As bad as this one sounds I'm kind of excited to get to it. And yes Eliza Dushku is one tough babe, definitely a driving force of the first...although for some reason I always think of her as a tough cheerleader...heheh

  4. This is so disappointing to hear after the awesomeness that was WRONG TURN 2. I never liked the original because it took itself too seriously, but no one can dispute the sweeeet gore in the sequel!

  5. There are some really funny gore moments in WT3. You should still see it Carl. It does have its moments but its totally ridiculous.

  6. lmao what is all of wussies out there ... WVA is wonderful place and no one where trying scary u or bite u

  7. Dude, I have lived in WV for 17 years. I have seen some messed up stuff in the Coal Fields which borders on the jack-shack of Ole Mister Digitally Challenged, but I really hope that people don't take the portrayal of my beloved state seriously. Most of us 1.8 million West Virginians have high speed internet, cell phones, and all of our fingers. We don't suffer an abnormally high incidence of rape and no cannibalism to speak of. There are traps in the woods, mostly to protect hidden pot fields. While I have enough of a sense of humour to appreciate movies like the Wrong Turn series, I'm left wondering what the rest of the country has to be so suspicious about. I believe that the nightmares imagined in our wilderness are mostly projections of the ills of society without.

  8. Country roads, take me home....