Friday, February 11, 2011

I stayed up until 1am for this? An Ode to the Spice Channel

Is that a nipple?

I've neglected far too long the Erotica part of the jaded viewer tagline. So, this post is rectify the situation and to go all nostalgia for my jaded viewers who are old enough to remember the days of scrambled porn.

If you were like me, back in the late 80s and early 90s when you got your first cable box you were like a kid celebrating Christmas. These teen years were full of awe and wonder...and the search for free porn. With cable, gone were the days of finding a Playboy in your friend's fathers secret stash. Now you had to find that friend who had a illegal descrambled cable box or didn't give a shit and ordered that pricey Spice Channel.

But we all had the same methods to get a glimpse of a boob or something simulating that would be stimulating. I've compiled the list below from various message boards on the Internet that we all remember vividly on what we did to get our fix.
  • The closest thing to the Spice Channel was HBO After Dark. Red Shoe Diaries and the like were a taste of the Skinemax

  • During the day, the Spice channel was "The Box" a music video channel where you called in and ordered a music video you wanted to hear (shit was 99 cents!) (One time, it was all Wu Tang all the time because of me)

  • If you kept flipping the Spice channel back and forth with another channel, there were times you could get 5 seconds of footage. Of course it usually was 5 seconds of a fully clothed couple kissing or *gasp* reciting cheesy sensual dialogue

  • You got the audio to work only and never was moaning and groaning so wonderful to a 13 year old's ears

  • Sometimes, you'd even get a full few minutes of Spice channel unscrambled and you'd search for a blank tape, pop it into your VCR and tape that motherfucker but by the time you pressed record and play (you remember taping shit in a VCR, SLP Mode!), it'd be fuckin gone

  • When the channel was started for late night programming, you'd get the beginning of a movie they were featuring...sometimes for like 10 minutes...then it would go all scrambly

  • You'd be at your friend's house who owned an illegal cable box and when his parents were out of the room, you'd switch from wrestling to the Playboy or Spice channel

Alas, all these problems were solved as you got older. I'm sure all of you at some point found your dad's secret stash of vintage 70s porn or horded all those early Victoria Secret catalogs. And admit it, that Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was the fuckin bomb. I remember there was a sports magazine called Inside Sports that had a more graphic swimsuit issue than SI's. Classy they were not.

So what did you miss? Well thanks to "Wildcock23" from YouTube, you can finally view what you missed all those years. And it looks to not be much. **SHIVERS** Oh 90s pornstars had big hair, were kinda fat and a wee bit hairy. And you gotta love the pun names (Sindee Cox!)

Wow after viewing some of the vids below, the Spice Channel had some odd programming and some hilarious parody movies. Can you believe you stayed up until 1am for this? Check out the footage......all finally unscrambled. SFW BTW.

Oh oh. It's Sexual Anarchy!

He's Passenger 69!

Pizza Pizza! By the Slice!

Check out more videos here.

So do you have any memories you'd like to share? I'm guessing you're all too embarrassed to admit it. Gone are the days of rejoicing if you saw a side boob at 2am. Share your thoughts.

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  1. I remember my buddy knew the magic combination of keys you could press simultaneously on the cable box that would de-scramble the signal. He'd hunch over the box, mashing keys, "wait... oh damn... wait..." until he hit the combo just right and whammo ... perfect signal. Of course this only worked on certain boxes, so we'd always check out the box when we were over at a friend's house.

    And then of course, we'd have the great fortune to watch some insane semi-erotic masterpiece with some lady screaming in spanish, "aye chupame!!!" and some sweaty dude saying, "listen bitch, I don't f*&$ in spanish!" I kid you not...

  2. God, I could watch those promos all day! I was too young for that mischief, but I do recall the tortures of searching for explicit photos (and the rare video) on a first generation i-mac!!!

    It could take upwards of maybe ten minutes for a page to fully open. Naturally the best sites (and most frequented, by me anyway) were simple, white pages with few graphics and just a shopping list of links to the best bits of OTHER sites, sometimes ones that required membership!

  3. LOL!!! What a great post! The secret life of every teen boy from that decade. I remember those days. Dying to get that one quick shoot of a naked woman. The good old Spice channel... memories. We eventually got the illegal cable box so that solved that problem. And you remembered to include The Red Shoe Diaries how awesome. Kids these days have it so much easier!

  4. who is the girl in this video -! - on the right at 0.33 sec? killing me to find her name!

  5. I'd love to see the Spice ad where the "teacher" is "punishing" her "student." This particular ad would come in virtually unscrambled right when the "teacher" whips her "student" and then he's pumping her hard. It was so pathetic it was hilarious! There was another ad that would always come in quite clear, the one with Dominique Simone saying, "I need to have sex all night long. Put that thick shaft between my breasts, and slide in and out, over and over again." I think this ad used to play on the Playboy Channel back in the mid '90s.


    2. Thank you

  6. what was the name of the one show where they had live sex and sat in front of 3 judges ?..wasnt it like searching for adam and eve or something?

  7. I discovered the Spice Channel when I was 12. My mom used to babysit these two little girls. I was just flipping through the channels one afternoon and I landed on channel 99. All I could hear was this woman moaning. At first it scared me because I thought someone was hurt, but then when I realized it was porn, it turned me on. LOL

    I would watch Spice every chance I got when my mom or the girls weren't around. We didn't have cable at my house so I could only see it there. If I was lucky I would see something for a few seconds till it scrambled again. This went on for a year until the family moved to a new home and they didn't havve the Spice channel there. :-(

    I wish I could find this one movie where the woman says, "Lick it all, like ice cream" and a clip that played between movies where a woman's voice over describes being seduced by another woman and it ends with her moaning. From what I could make out it was two women having sex. I think she had a British accent. I don't know about you guys, but the Spice channel back in the day played some of the most erotic porn! Better than anything today! ;-)

    Back in the day we had to really work for it. The good old days! :-D