Monday, September 15, 2008

They Wait (Review)

They Wait

They Wait (2007)

Directed by Ernie Barbarash

After watching the opening scene of They Wait and after the intro credits started to roll, up came the foreboding credit of:

Executive Producer

Uwe Boll

I should have just shut off the movie right then and there. But I knew what I was getting into. I knew a film based on Chinese mythos and ghost stories would be your typical The Ring-like dash and scare.

But dammit, it had the hotness that is Jaime King. And the there's this clip I saw where she gets into the shower and gets spooked. So I spent the next 80 minutes hoping that this would turn into a very good American remake ala The Ring.

And I kept waiting. And waiting. And freakin waiting.

I'm still fuckin waiting.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A young mother and her six-year-old son come face to face with the mysteries of two murders and a great crime against the Chinese community into which they have recently arrived from Shanghai.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Before I review, let me answer all your most important and pertinent questions about this flick.

1.) Are you telling me that in They Wait, Jaime King is married to a Chinese dude?

A: Fuck yeah. Kudos to the filmmakers for making all Asian guys think they have a chance to score with Jaime King.

2.) So you're telling me when some Chinese dude and Jaime King have an offspring, it looks like a 100% Chinese kid?

A: Yes. Not even a hint of any Caucasian genes is in this kid. Look at the pic below. Is that kid even look like he's from a mixed marriage?????

3.) OK, I just want to watch this movie because I heard there is a Jaime King shower scene. Does she get naked?

A: Well naked is a relative term. It looks like she is naked, but you don't see shit. It's like the Jessica Alba scene in The Eye. Fuckin big tease. Check out the scene here.

4.) So just tell me already, this is like the Ring right?

A: Yup. Hot blonde with son tries to stop a ancient spirits of evil from killing her family. She needs to uncover the deep dark secret the family has covered up so that the spirits can rest. Yada yada yada.

5.) Are you sure the hot blonde isn't Sarah Michelle Gellar?

A: Hold on let me check the DVD box again.......nope. It's Jaime King.

6.) I read other reviews and they said there were scary moments and big chills. Is that true?

A: Those people are fuckin idiots. This wouldn't scare an ass out of a hole.

7.) Is this film Canadian?

A: Yeah. Hey. Hosers.

8.) Is there any gore or splatter that would make this film even worth putting on my Netflix queue?

A: Let's see. A tree bleeds. Meat cleaver in the head. Some bones and skulls. Nothing that I can think of.

9.) Will there ever be a good Asian movie that can be remade for Western audiences?

A: Not really. You might as well rent or buy the originals. Read the english subtitles. It's not going to kill you. These movies were made for their core audience for that particular country. They are on the most basic levels movies about the fear of the supernatural in all of us. Wow that sounded like a real review.

10.) So what exactly are they waiting for?

A: I think for the movie to end.

To sum it up, Jaime King basically emotes alot and tries to rid her 100% Chinese son from these demons. A few CGI scares and some flashbacky ending later, you really can't believe this was a DVD movie and not some episode of Fear Itself or a segement of Masters of Horror.


The Ring
The Grudge
Every other J-horror movie
Every other Thai-horror movie
Every other Chinese-horror movie

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

A hatchet through the head (didn't I write that already?)

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

So close to seeing some Jaime King boobies. But trust me, in a few years we'll be seeing her do Skinemax soon enough.

WTF moment

Why didn't I just turn this off in the beginning?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I really should have shut off the flick after seeing the gratuitous Jaime King shower scene. But I was so intrigued by the premise that she was married to this Chinese dude and had a kid that was 100% Chinese I kept watching. I thought they'd explain it. Like it was a kid from the husband's 1st marriage or that he was adopted. I wanted a fuckin explanation for this.

So I kept waiting. And waiting.

Trust me, you don't want to wait this fuckin long.


The Trailer:

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  1. Hilarious Review!!
    I was laughing out loud. . . :-)

    I think that I will listen to you on this one and Pass on this movie.


  2. I agree, won't be checking this out. LOL!

  3. Didn't you know that caucasian genes're weak? In fact, most caucasian traits're recessive, in other words, when they intermingle with other races, you can actually have offsprings looking almost purely like the non-caucasian parent. That said, these mutts can actually morph to look slightly different as they grow when their genes start expressing themselves more overtly.