Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Blood Creek (Review)

Blood Creek (aka Town Creek)

Blood Creek (2009)

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Look at that. That's not a typo. This film was actually directed by Joel Schumacher. So 75% chance this is gonna suck. I mean this is the man who gave us Batman nipples. I think the only flick I liked of his was 8mm.

But I digress. Lion's Gate poops out horror movies into the dollar bin every year, sometimes they give low budget theaters a chance to screen their horror line. They did the same thing with Midnight Meat Train, a film that deserved a chance to be pushed mainstream and to be seen because it was awesome.

Well what we got here is a Lions Gate clunker that could have easily been on After Dark's Horrorfest lineup. Blood Creek is a very odd flick. It starts out all Martyrs like and then becomes Nazi occult demonology kung fu.

I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I don't have enough brain power to actually review this movie so I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions that you were gonna ask anyway.

1.) West Virginia has Nazi zombies?

Ummm. Yeah sorta. Supposedly a Nazi officer named Wirth who with orders from Hitler goes to West Virginia (West Virginia has redneck cannibals and Nazi zombies...note to self: NEVER EVER GO TO WEST VIRGINIA) in the 30s to dabble in some occult Nordic rune stones. He entraps a German family and becomes a redneck cannibal.

2.) So what does this have to do with brothers? Are they redneck cannibals too?

I'm going to say nope, they aren't. Seems Vic (Dominic Purcell) went missing on a fishing trip but mysteriously pops up and tells his brother Evan (Henry Cavill) to help him kill a family. Of course he doesn't explain why he wants to slaughter mom, dad, sis and big bro. I mean if you said:

"Bro, we need to kill them because they tortured me in a shipping container and fed me to an undead Nazi officer bent on world domination!"

Would you believe him?

3.) So the brothers and the family are the good guys?

Yup. The family turns out to be good plus they haven't aged since the 30s. The daughter Liese (Emma Booth) knows all about Wirth and his plans for taking over the world because she stole them and went to

4.) So I heard this Wirth guy has rules he has to abide by and he has powers like he can melt your face. I hate fuckin rules in my Nazi occult monster movies. So are there boobies?

Nope. Sorry dude, no boobies of any kind. But as for the rules, poor Wirth has more things he CAN'T do than a freakin vampire. See below.
  • He can't enter a house with blood rune markings
  • He can't fight you if your wearing the bones of his ancestors
  • He can't drink his own blood, it will poison him
As for powers, he's got:
  • He can reanimate the dead (humans and animals)
  • He's got killer nails
  • He can transform and develop a 3rd eye of DOOM!
It's not as awesome as it sounds. Trust me.

5.) Are there horses in this? I love horses, they are such beautiful, peaceful animals. They are so majestic and strong and brave.

Yup, there are horses. In one scene, Vic and Evan shoot a horse to death by riddling it with shotgun shells. They blow chunks of horse meat all over the house. Horses rock.

6.) How's the splatter content? Will I say "Fuck yeah!" in any of the gore scenes?

Gore is solid here. Lots of oozing yellow puss, blood and various excrement. Wirth's Nazi zombie makeup is top notch (as you can see on the cover).

7.) I heard the CGI makes Avatar look like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. Really?

What planet you on Avator boy? The CGI and visual effects are laughable at best. You could see better effects from the prize out of a Cracker Jack box.

8.) I know the Nazi's stole the Ark of the Covenant and searched for the Holy Grail. So is this based on true events?

Yes it is. Is it time for your meds yet?

9.) So does Dominic Purcell inflict violence in every scene he's in?

You betcha **wink wink**. I mean has there ever been a TV show or film that Dominic Purcell's starred in that he hasn't punched somebody in the face? The man loves punching people in the face. He's so good at it.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

Yup. Seems other Nazi occult agents were sent all over West Virginia to look up Runes. Here's hoping we send Indiana Jones after them.

There ya have it. That's your Blood Creek FAQ. The fact that I didn't see a creek in this movie is the least of my gripes. There is blood, there is no creek and there is no town. So what is there?

There is one helluva bad movie.

WTF moment


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This came out yesterday on DVD. You may be tempted to rent this, Netflix it or *gasp* even buy this, I implore you...DO NOT! But hell, you may not listen to me and think a Joel Schumacher horror film is worthy of an hour and a half of your time.

Let me remind you of two words: Batman nipples.


Check out the trailer below.


  1. WOW. This sounds like a hot mess. I'll admit that I was curious about the movie when I first heard about it (Nazis and occult hijinx are, after all, two of my most favorite villainous flavors), but when I imdb'ed it and came up with the Joel Schumacher connection, my "Dubious" meter was pegged. Knowing that this is boobs-free and horse-cruelty-enriched, I'm officially taking it off my "watch" list. Thanks for saving me ninety minutes of precious movie-watching time! You're a frikkin' trooper, friend :)

  2. Thank you, thank you good sir. I've heard a lot of false 'hype' regarding this and I will steer clear. I think I'll see Batman and Robin instead....NOT

  3. You didn't like The Lost Boys or The Incredible Shrinking Woman? Those are solid Joel Schumacher contributions to society.

    Fact: I am from West Virginia.
    Fact 2: I am not a nazi zombie, but I have gone to school with a few
    Fact 3: This review is awesome

  4. Hmmm maybe I should visit the Joel Schumacher filmography again. Maybe my batman nipple thing should be forgiven.

    My running joke here is that I'll never ever visit West Virginia. I am so sure if somehow I drove through W. Va, I'd totally take a Wrong Turn (pun so intended)

  5. Nazi occult demonology kung fu, eh? Almost sounds tempting! How the hell did Schumacher end up on this one anyways?

  6. Thanks for the review, this sounds like a dud, I'll ignore this one. I might actually have checked it out for old Joel Schumacher. Sure, he has a lot of duds on his filmography, Batman & Robin being the most obvious one, but he has some good flicks too.

    It's been a long time since I've seen Flatliners, but I remember it being pretty good at the time. 8mm, Phone Booth and Tigerland are all worth seeing at least once. And he's created two classics in my opinion; Lost Boys and Falling Down - those two films make him remain a relevant filmmaker, despite his many downfalls.

  7. Man, this wasn't that bad! Not the kind of movie you watch and go, "Wow!! I've got to see that again right now!!", or anything, but i've seen worse. If you didn't know who the director was, might your opinion be a little less harsh? Oh well, you are the jaded viewer! Funny review all the same.

  8. OK maybe I was being too harsh. It's not bad bad but it really was kinda pointless. This Nazi necromancer was one of the worst killers I've ever seen and for that I blame Schumacher.

  9. I only watched this movie because it had Henry Cavill (the hottest thing ever) in it, but it wasn't that bad. I have seen way way worse. I mean if you are gonna watch horror type movies you are usually not watching them for the intelligent and witty repartee. And Henry is very hot.

  10. I will be harsh if I will say that this movie is good. Actually it was very bad that I have never seen any one earlier. I was disappointed to see this one.