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I watch Skinemax for the acting and story!

I watch Skinemax for the acting and story! Don't you?

Part of my tagline above is to review the world of erotica. Well I've been slacking on that subgenre of late. I mean the only erotica review I've ever done was detailing the exploits of the titular character Anita in Anita: The Shocking Account of a Young Nymphomaniac.

Starring Swedish girl next door Christine Lindberg, this is some quality erotica. But here in the good ole United States of America, the modern day version is of course Skinemax.

As Urban Dictionary tells us:

skinemax

Nickname for the premium cable channel Cinemax due to it's penchant for showing soft-core porn at night.

"Skinemax is a lot cheaper than going to the strip club."

Oh c'mon now, admit it. You just came home from the bar and don't have the mind power to pop in some horror or watch the late late night Sportscenter so as your flipping the channel, you vaguely hear the groans and moans and see a passing shot of a boob. Well bro, its on. I mean it hooks you right there right?

Sure you stopped the channel to see the scene play out and to enjoy the simulated sex but oddly, if you really try and actually watch the story *gasp*, they are funny as hell. Most of these follow the same plot conventions. Stop me if any of these sound familiar.
  • A couple go on vacation at a hypersexed up resort only to encounter the friskiest, horniest couple known to man
  • The struggling female artist looks to sell her art the beach, only to meet an art gallery dealer with the means to make her famous
  • 2 frat dudes are going to be kicked out of their apartment unless they can come up with the money...so what's a couple of dudes to do? Topless carwash!
Oh there are plenty more generic storylines that are so outrageous you applaud the writers for coming up with these hi jinks. Sure, most of these are set up to get to the public displays of affection (really? the hotel kitchen?) or the easiest of sex transitions (massage time!). But sometimes even the set up will actually be vaguely interesting. I mean who knew a high class brothel was where a prostitute could meet the man of her dreams. Shit...good for her.

With the story, comes the lovable acting which is put on like a sitcom on crack. In the uber reality of Skinemax, one date is all you need to get it done. Even the women are the aggressors in this smorgasbords of erotica. Let's not forget, the women are the stars of these flicks and the men are reusable props. Spewing lines like:

"I'll show you who's head of this class"

or

"You're not just a customer....you're my friend too"

Classic shit. The queen of Skinemax is of course Mrs. Gene Simmons....the one and only Shannon Tweed. Probably the first MILF of Skinemax.

Every movie cable station has their "After Dark" program. With the interweb full of free boobies and hardcore shit, gone are the days of when you'd see a side boob on a partially scrambled pay channel. Is Skinemax even relevant these days?

I know what your thinking. Did he really post something about this? Hahahaha. Yes I did. And now I open it up to you. Thoughts?

**SHIVERS**

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I'll totally admit it. I watch this when I come home staggering from the bar and I don't remember the last time I called that channel anything but Skinemax. I like to put it on when my wife comes home from being out with her friends and I start drunkingly bantering things like "Yo check this out!" and "Now that right there is the perfect woman." It makes them uncomfortable, but I need to do something to get them to leave. Hail the Skin!

I was so in love with Shannon Tweed back in the day. And I also dug Beverly Hills Bordello. Amazing plot lines.

Ah I miss the free promos we got in college that included Cinemax. You forgot the head strong female(usually Asain) private detective who screws to get to the bottom of a mystery. There is one I really like that was a western comedy. A hot chick's uncle passes away and leaves her a goldmine haunted by horny muscular ghosts of miners protecting the gold.

Sweet sweet memories.. My favorite was when cable would give you premium channels for a week to get you to buy, allowing for all my childhood fantasies to finally come true

Carl - Yup. Those were the days. I'd sneak down and watch volptuous vixens 3 after my parents went to sleep.

Jason - Dude, the private detectives were classic. The usual "So your a private....dick: references were a hoot.

POT - I love how the bordellos resulted in true love. Classic.

Geof - It really is amazing this is still around. I once saw a Skinemax scene play out on a tennis court...isn't that uncomfortable?

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