Monday, May 17, 2010

The WTF List: Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake)

I took every body's advice and didn't watch this movie in the theater. I ahem....watched this movie via the magic of the internet. Bless you internet for saving me $12. Thanks to Insano Steve, we were able to dissect this heap of piling, smelly crap from the comfort of my home.

Sure, it wasn't the best quality, but at least I didn't spend my hard earned money eating overpriced popcorn next to Joe and Joanna Moviegoer and a couple of Jabronis. Let me just say straight out the movie isn't overtly terrible, it's just predictable and boring.

A mish mash of the originals, some new micronap garbage, a rewriting of Freddy's backstory, some choice scenes from the original and a cursing Freddy.

God that sucked ass.

So as I could never top my fake review of A Nightmare on Elm Street remake, here is a WTF list. Hopefully these mindless framed thoughts will invade your nightmares.

1.) Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! (oops wrong movie)
2.) Is it reality or a dream? Am I actually watching this movie? OMG! I am. Sigh.
3.) Oh oh, John Connor is brooding like crazy. He's an uber brooder.
4.) New Freddy (I refuse to call him just Freddy because Robert England is the real Fred Kreuger) looks like a real life burnt victim. Who cares about realistic burn scars? I mean seriously...I prefer ridiculous fake burnt scars from my Dream Master
5.) Insano Steve says this blonde is on one of the CW shows so chance of her getting naked: 0%.
6.) New Nancy is the most yawnfest, boring, snooze final girl I have ever seen in a movie.
7.) Wow, New Freddy killed a dog. You so badass New Freddy.
8.) Gotta love that CGI glove through the chest!
9.) Why does this Joy Division wearing t-shirt motherfucker look like the douche from Twilight?
10.) Dude, there is an endless supply of energy drinks in any convenience store and nobody thinks to load up?
11.) This swim team is kinda lame and the entire scene is utterly pointless
12.) OMG, am I right? Is Freddy actually innocent in this one? I'm fuckin Nostradamus folks! I will read your fortune! I am a real life psychic!
13.) Micronapping is the "new twist" in this. It's blending reality and dream world. I was micronapping while watching this flick. I also took a shit while watching this flick.
14.) Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! (isn't that now in repeating in your head? muhahahahha)
15.) People's shadows just infiltrated our "legitimate copy" of this movie. Insano Steve and I bust out laughing.
16.) Nancy looks at the supposed victims of Freddy. There is a Chinese kid and a black kid in the group school photo. C'mon Chinese kid! I know you can kung fu and muy thai Freddy. hoooooowaaaaa Bruce Lee his ass.
17.) Oh man he died while filming a video on YouTube....godammit. Why does the Asian kid always die???
18.) I like how the fake search engine GigaBlast is a real search engine. Good one Platinum Dunes!
19.) They really are fucking us in the ass by overusing the dream/not a dream gimmick
20.) Also, they had a mirror scare/false alarm cliche in here as well. Jeezus you fucks are lazy.


21.) They gave the jumping rope lullaby molested children lots of screen time and actual lines. I sincerely believe they are all 21 year old actors that look like 12 year olds. Thank you Chris Hansen.
22.) Nah, he didn't molest those kids. Those photos are fake I tell you. Freddy is innocent!
23.) Wow, we all know how they defeat Freddy and this actually is the worst of all of Freddy's demise/"death scenes".
24.) This overused cliche of riding along in the ambulance. It really bothers me as I think this doesn't really happen on planet Earth.
25.) The last cliffhanger is a mirror scare and ocular trauma 2D CGI. OMG, that was Uwe Boll bad.

There ya have it, my thought in micro-nap form. I forgot to add Freddy curses in this which made me LOL. This is a bad movie minions and you should all be ashamed of going to the theater and making Platinum Dunes rich (I know its not your fault as you all HAD to see this monstrosity).

I hate remakes. I hate Platinum Dunes. I hate New Freddy. I hate New Nancy. I hate micro-naps.

I hate this movie.

Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs!

1 comment:

  1. This was officially the last horror remake I'll ever tolerate. I'm sick of Platinum Dunes putting out crap like this.