Universal Soldier: Regeneration (Review)

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009)

Directed by John Hyams

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who has sleepless nights and reoccurring nightmares that Jean Claude Van Damme's bump on his head is out to attack him]

As you can probably tell from our rating system, Jean Claude Van Damme is the jadedviewer.com's favorite actor. Hard to believe that he's been around for over 22 years! That's a long time for an actor with so little acting ability. While most people probably gave up on JCVD in the late 1990s, he's been pumping out mediocre straight-to-video movies for over a decade. Let's take a look at his most recent movie ......

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When terrorists threaten nuclear catastrophe, the world's only hope is to reactivate decommissioned Universal Soldier Luc Deveraux...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Universal Soldier: Regeneration is part 3 of the Universal Soldier series. Seeing how part 1 was a JCVD classic, and part 2 was his last legitimate theatrical release, my hopes were modestly high for part 3 here. Does it deliver? Well, my first impression, was not too good. As the opening credits rolled, I noticed that once again, all the actors seem to have Eastern European names. Sure looked like another of his "filmed in Bulgaria" crap-fests. And the video quality was camcorder quality. I know I watched a downloaded copy, but this shit was pretty bad.

As for the plot, a bunch of Russian terrorists kidnap the Russian Prime Minister's children. Deciding to up the ante, the terrorists then occupy the former Chernobyl nuclear power plant and threaten to detonate one of the old nuclear reactors. They do all of this to free their jailed comrades. You would think the kidnap of the children would be enough to get the job done. Nope. Apparently, in Russia, if you don't threaten to irradiate the population, the government doesn't take you seriously. But wait, that's not all. The terrorists also recruit a traitorous American scientist who brings along his next generation cyborg Universal Soldier (this model resembling a MMA fighter).

The American army finds out about this new UniSol, and decides to 'regenerate' a couple of 1st generation and send them in to fight the terrorists. These UniSols are quickly dispatched by the MMA soldier. The de-frosted UniSols are played by real puny looking actors to make MMA soldier look extra bad ass.

In the meantime, our hero, JCVD, is in a de-tox program to help former Universal Soldiers reacclimate back into society (sorta like Michael Vick's dogs). He's doing well, albeit he looks really old. His fighting skills have deteriorated and his grasp of the English language is marginal (not a real stretch for JCVD). However, left with no other recourse to deal with the new MMA UniSol, America decides they have to use JCVD. Once again, JCVD is forced to fight! Why was this America's problem anyway? I really don't know. It's always best not to ask too many questions of a JCVD plot.

Later, for some reason that I forget, the terrorists decide to defrost another old UniSol. This one played by our favorite Russian bad guy, Dolph Lundgren. Poor Dolph looks super-old in this movie. Even older than Van Damme. He's probably in the movie for 10 minutes despite being on the DVD cover. He spouts a few lines indicating he is now self-aware, and then proceeds to fight JCVD to the death. Technically, Dolph was playing a clone of the Dolph he played in part 1, who JCVD killed. You get that? How would you feel if somebody killed your clone? Really makes you think.

Meanwhile, the Russian Prime Minister chooses his children over the welfare of his country and gives in to the terrorists' demands. Way to go Russia! Nice government you have over there. The terrorists get their comrades freed, but decide "Fuck it, let's blow up the nuclear reactor anyway!". The terrorists proceed to set the detonator (with an impractically long countdown time) and leave the MMA fighter to ensure the explosion.

• Will JCVD reach the bomb in time?
• Will he do his patented spin kick?
  
• Will his stunt double perform a spin kick?
  
• What about the Prime Minister's kids? Who's gonna save those little fucker?

OK, I won't spoil it for you, ....

Gore-ipedia

Well this isn't a horror movie so not much gore. More like a bunch of MMA type moves and holds. They're decent, if you're into that sorta thing. Van Damme does kill Dolph by throwing a pipe through his forehead, then firing a shotgun through the hole. Good work Van Damme!

Nude-ipedia

T&A: Total sausage fest. I can't imagine a movie having less nudity than this. I'm not sure there was even a female in the movie.

WTF moment?!?

In all of the fights JCVD had, it was pretty apparent that he was using a stunt double. And when JCVD was fighting Dolph, it looked like they were using 2 stunt doubles! Poor JCVD. Kinda sad. Kinda funny. I guess it wasn't hard to find a stuntman who looks like JCVD (the back of his head anyway).

WTF moment 2!?!

While JCVD is in killing machine de-tox, he has a relapse in a cafe, and practically kills an elderly man minding his own business. JCVD just snaps while drinking a coffee, and beats the shit out of the old guy. Then leaves the cafe like nothing happened. Totally random. Totally awesome. As WTF as it gets.


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

By any objective measure, Universal Soldier Regeneration is another below average action flick. Subjectively though, as bad it was on many levels, I enjoyed it. It's certainly better than most of his recent 'character action' movies. Due to the plot, Van Damme, does little acting (which is his weakness), And due to his advanced age (dude's pushing 50), his stunt double does most of the fighting. So in an ironic way, it's the best of both worlds. He can neither act nor fight. Yet somehow, he's still out there kicking ass!

So, as long as JCVD is gonna make movies where he (or some guy who resembles him) is spin kicking bad guys, you can be sure that I'll be watching. Oh, who am I kidding? JCVD could probably start doing gay porn, and I'd probably watch.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, universal soldier 3, universal soldier regeneration trailer, van damme

Babysitter Wanted (Review)

Babysitter Wanted

Babysitter Wanted (2008)

Directed by Jonas Barnes/Michael Manasseri

I got some backlash from my review of The House of the Devil as I basically said it was average at best. It's a slow burn, some decent jump scares and I summed it up by saying it was a reheated frozen dinner.

So what if I had one of those frozen dinners again?

Well this is where Babysitter Wanted comes in. It's got the same premise as Ti West's film. College girl with lousy roommate gets a gig to babysit a couple's young little tyke in the middle of boonies USA. Suspense is drawn out as mysterious phone calls start ringing, she frantically searches for the kid and than the big reveal is well...revealed.

Suffice it to say, if I told you what the curveball was, it might ruin the movie for you. But I'll tell you straight out. It's definitely not what happened in The House of the Devil. But for me, the difference between this flick and the latter is that we don't have to wait an obscene amount of time to get the big reveal.

I will tell you exactly when we get it in this movie. It's at the 48 minute mark. You'd think after everything is revealed it would be down hill from then on. But it doesn't. It actually becomes more cat and mouse fun and has some awesome tension filled moments.

Babysitter Wanted is what I wanted from The House of the Devil. It takes that babysitter urban legend and squeezes every drop of horror onto the screen. If I had to do a switch to my Top 20 list, I'd actually do it. A very solid horror movie that actually lives up to what it was trying to do.

And here's why.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In a small college town, a young girl working on a babysitting job in a rural farm is terrorized throughout the night.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Angie (Sarah Thompson) is a religiously devoted freshman starting her first year in community college. She's got the stoner roommate and is the total country bumpkin. Lacking funds, she rips apart a flyer's number and gets a gig babysitting for the Stantons and their cowboy in training kid Sam.

She soon gets a BF to be and gets various foreshadowing flyers taped to her dorm room door. As the babysitting gig starts off, all is slightly normal. And this is where I have to stop or I'll reveal too much.

Let me just say the moments play out as they do all these other babysitter in peril movies. She walks slowly around the house so the creepy gets into overdrive. The phone starts ringing with incomprehensible speech and the most over used cliched scene in babysitter movies makes an appearance as well where our terrified babysitter is searching for the missing kid around the house and she pulls back a shower curtain.

One time instead of seeing an empty tub I'd like to see the worst thing she has ever seen. Severed heads, body parts, organs and tons of blood and splatter.

But that would be a reveal wouldn't it?

The rest of the movie after the twist is your standard final girl vs the big bad. A few solid splatter and gore scenes are interspersed throughout the struggle and we see the evolution of Angie from good, religious college girl to outright profanity spewing final girl of the year. It's an awesome performance from the hot girl next door Sarah Thompson (she was on Angel and a few other TV shows). Seeing her devotedness go from God to survival was fun to watch.

Also, the movie is effective in its set up shots to get the tension moving. Lots of faraway shots with the killer moving in. Closeups to get the emotional punch and a few twists and turns that were set up by the black darkness of this small little house in the middle of nowhere.

All in all, Babysitter Wanted hits on all these notes and does it without including the 80s nostalgia. Sure, there are various logic holes in the reveal and "the ending" actually has like 3 endings within itself. Directors Barnes and Manasseri make sure that our last shot ends on a note of hope rather than dread.

With these type of films, it's hard to blend the pre reveal with the post reveal within the movie. But Babysitter Wanted does its best and it comes out all right. I love when a film that you watch going in with no expectations blows you away. The feeling is just spontaneous happy, sorta like winning an auction on eBay.

This urban legend that's spawned countless movies still keeps chugging along. Let's hope they're all like Babysitter Wanted.

Gore-ipedia

Ax trauma
Knife trauma
Meathook trauma
Achilles heel trauma
Various splatter and gore

Nude-ipedia

Nada. But Sarah Thompson looks particularly yummy in a very tight sweater

WTF moment

THE BIG REVEAL!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you didn't like The House of the Devil or thought it was just "eh", well than try another of these reheated frozen dinners. This one is like a Hungry Man frozen dinner. It's packed with meaty morsels, some peas and carrots and some solid dessert.

Sure it looks like When a Stranger Calls and even Halloween, but its one of the best 25 horror movies to come out last year. For me, this is one of the best babysitter in peril movies ever.

Now rip off the flyer's phone number and dial this one up.

Here is the link to the official site.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: 2008 horror dvd, babysitter wanted, babysitter wanted trailer, bill moseley, nana visitor, sarah thompson, the house of the devil

Is this the end of Fangoria? **UPDATE**

Looks like Fangoria.com is back live...sorta. The site is back live but I noticed a couple of things seemed a little off:

• The last post was made on January 10th
• The site has reverted back to the old design (it had been redesigned recently)
• The forums are still not working

After my initial post yesterday, I got a few tweets from former Fangoria staff members. So here are a few updates:

• Correction from yesterday. That new blog is made up of the former MAGAZINE staff not the web writers
• From @JamesZahn (former writer for the web staff) recently quit as did others that worked on the online portion of FANGORIA
• John Z. wrote up an article as well about the potential demise of FANGORIA, its other property (STARLOG) and the Brooklyn Company. Check it out here
  
• HorrorBid also wrote up something about this as well today (possibly inspired by my post :-))
  

Thanks for all the comments. If you have a subscription, you may want to cancel (just in case).

I'm sure the new big horror sites are to blame for their demise but FANGORIA was ingrained in all our childhoods. They could have easily reinvented themselves on the web. The magazine could have been a place where they drove traffic to the site (sorta how gaming magazines do their content).

I can't believe that advertising would have been an issue as we've had a large numbers of horror movies that come out theatrically and are out on DVD. Even horrible movies like Stepfather and other crap get ads forced down the horror community's throats. Aside from movies, TV shows and video games are a potential revenue stream. As I write this right now, they are running ads for The House of the Devil DVD, Frozen and The Crazies!

Well let's see if I've created some buzz so we can get some answers. I hate to be a TMZ-ish journafan, but I'm a fan and follower and even though things look gloomy and doomy, I want Fangoria to survive. I mean I won The Tournament on DVD from them recently!

Hmm, it's going to be interesting how this plays out. J. Zahn says we should all be on the lookout.

So let's try to ignore the volcano exploding in the background and reminisce about how Fangoria affected your horror second life. What's your fondest memory of Fangoria? Is it the magazine? A Weekend of Horror convention? The forums?

What's your story?

**UPDATE**

• Deleted magazine launch point as this was year old news

Categories: fangoria, fangoria weekend of horrors

Is this the end of Fangoria?

With the Bloody Disgusting Awards contest (insert shameless plug here: Vote for the jaded viewer!!!) and the Total Film disaster, what I recently noticed that some people haven't been talking about is that Fangoria.com has been down for the last few weeks. If you click on the site, it goes to a blank white page.

Just a week or so ago, they had the logo up but it wasn't clickable. Hmmm, this all leads me to believe one of the following:

A.) The site's been having server problems
B.) It's undergoing a redesign of some sort
C.) They are possibly changing domain names
D.) The staff all left, the magazine is probably bankrupt and this is the end of Fangoria as we know it

Yup I'm gonna have to with D. That's the persistent rumor that's been floating around the interwebs of late. If it is true that most of the staff of Fangoria has been laid off, this is a sad day indeed.

Fangoria has been part of my horror childhood, tweens, teens and adult size life. I remember opening up a copy of Fangoria and looking at all the gory pictures and saying: "OMG! We gott a see Hellraiser Part...whatever". Look at Pinhead! He's fuckin badass!". The articles were a gateway into the minds of the horror filmmakers, the writers and the special effects geniuses we all know and love.

Aside from the magazine, the Weekend of Horrors was a must go event back in the day. I say back in the day because its recently become a shell of its former self. Horrible guests, boring panels, lack of dealers and just outrageous prices for autographs of C level celebrities.

But back in the day, it was filled with hard to find movies, a place to get awesome Evil Dead t-shirts and toys and collectibles that were nostalgia gone wild. The world premiere movies, the panels and the auctions made this one of the best conventions to go to.

Well that's all gone now.

The web is short on information on what's going on behind the scenes with Fangoria as we speak. Here are the rumors and heresay I've collected:

• One of the moderators at Fangoria.com (@fubarinpa) was booted as a moderator
• According to some message boards, the entire staff have been fighting and the web staff walked out and started their own blog (which you can go to here: Fangoria News)
• No new Fangoria Weekend of Horrors conventions have been announced
  
• The magazine is being handled by a different distribution agency
• The magazine has slight pulse (people have gotten the most recent issue)
  
• Editor Anthony Timpone has said it will be back up soon (via Facebook)
  

Well, will this all be addressed when it does come back up? Are all the rumors true about the web staff abandoning ship causing the site to sink? Hmm, well this post will add fire to the burning wildfire surrounding the future of Fangoria.

Fangoria is not the same as it use to be. In this internet age, how can a magazine/website compete with the Horror Hounds and Rue Morgues that seem to be now better in the space they once used to dominate.

Is this the end of Fangoria? What do you think?

******************************UPDATES***********************************

Look at what I started! Got a couple of updates and a few links from the horror-verse since I posted this up:

• As of right now, the site is down again (showing an odd logo of sorts)
  
• Here is my own update the day after I posted this (2/2)
• John Z's Weimar World Service chimes in as well (2/2)
• HorrorBid's take on the whole thing (2/2)
  
• Shock til you Drop also posted their own take as well (2/3)
  
• Jeff @ Dinner with Max Jenke adds his two cents (2/4)
• J. Zahn (former employee for the webite) tells you what it was like working there a few months ago (HorrorMovies.ca posted his rant if you can't access Facebook)

More to come as I see it. If you've got anymore information, put it in the comments. Also, check out the comments, a certain editor in chief seems to have left one in.

Here's hoping Fangoria survives. Some of us want to see it continue, others don't. But without any doubt, Fangoria has left a impact in the horror universe.

Categories: fangoria, fangoria weekend of horrors

Dollhouse Series Finale "Epitaph 2: The Return" (Review)

My previous reviews of the last 6 episodes can be found on UGO.com:

• "The Hollow Men"
• "Getting Closer"
• "The Public Eye" and "The Left Hand"
• "Meet Jane Doe and "A Love Supreme"
• This review will also be on UGO.com as well
  

And like that.....it was gone

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he was gone.”

Will anybody remember that a show called Dollhouse aired on TV for 2 seasons on Fox? Probably not. In the not so distant future we may have a few people who will recall something about a show with imprinted personalities, but like a reality star celebrity, those will disappear from the public consciousness in a nano second.

But like Echo remembering a fallen Paul in the series finale, I’ll remember. Though Dollhouse is not the caliber of Joss Whedon previous efforts, Dollhouse will be Whedon’s 4th best show on his TV resume. It had its moments of action, Zen and humor but will somehow be remembered as a return to TV that was over hyped, full of ratings disaster and ultimately cut short. My gut feeling is that we won’t see the end of Whedon from TV, but instead we’ll get a self imposed hiatus that will last what will seem like an eternity to us Whedon is our Master fanatics.

So what did Dollhouse bring us in its series finale Epitaph 2: The Return? Lots of closure in a sense without the closing credit “Where are they now?” text. But it seems most of Epitaph 2 was full of relationships that somehow were neatly bow tied for us die hards to consume. It’s a very disjointed series finale where if it were *gasp* 2 hours, maybe we’d see the end of some monumental storylines. These include Boyd and Clyde 2.0 as the Big Bads being completely ignored as well as how the tech got in the hands of evil. But Joss decided that, like all his shows the storyline and overarching plot were not the important aspects of the show. He focused on the characters and that’s where we break it down.

Mag and Zone

Mag (Felicia Day) and Zone (Zach Ward) reprise their roles in the post apocalyptic mind wiped world from Epitaph One. With little mini Caroline in tow they are captured, sent to Neuropolis (originally Tucson) and thus get to meet la resistance. The glimpses of this future make Book of Eli look realistic. Cities look like Detroit and the public are acting as if American Idol just got cancelled.

But throughout this episode Mag and Zone become full members of the resistance. Felicia Day gives a top notch performance and probably should have been a regular on the show as her screen presence is Dr. Horrible awesome. It’s a fitting conclusion for these 2 and if we could rewind, Epitaph One SHOULD have been the pilot and we could have had flash forwards seeing there future with the Dollhouse present. That would have been a better direction to go.

Sierra and Victor

Our Xander and Anya couple are having career choice marital problems in this episode. Sierra/Priya is raising their son little Tony in a non tech utopia while Victor/Tony is now a full fledge member of the Tech head Mad Max Road warriors (complete with NFL shoulder pads and techy jewelry). As both go and make the road trip to help the resistance, Victor makes the choice his comrades don’t want to. He abandons the tech that’s made them Six million dollar specials and reunites with his wife and son.

Dichen Lachman and Enver Gjokaj have been the unsung heroes of the show and whatever conflict they had gets easily resolved with less than adequate screen time. Gjokaj’s performances in Season 2 have been stellar (most notably his “Topher”) and Lachman in a scene with Eliza Dushku gives her best performance.

It’s a family reunion for these misfits of science.

Adelle and Topher

Adelle and Topher play the rather obvious mom and son relationship to the max here. It’s been subtle but both Olivia Williams and Fran Kranz have done their best to keep it that way. Topher is cuckoo crazy but his genius brain invents the tech to cure all the Actives and revert them back to the way they were. But it’s Williams as Adelle that plays mommy to Topher, consoling him and shouldering some of the burden he has gone through. Topher has been my favorite character on the show (as he’s the most nerdy and pop culture savvy of the cast) and here he turns all Dr. Sam Beckett serious to leap from life to life, fixing what went wrong. Dying in an explosion with his deux ex machina tech he recites to Adelle before he activates it and says: “I don’t want to cause anymore pain”. His death, one of 2 in this episode, hit me the hardest.

Echo and Paul

What didn’t hit me hard was Paul’s very abrupt death in a lackluster gun battle. Tahmoh Penikett’s Paul Ballard had many changes to his character that I just decided not to care anymore. From dedicated rogue FBI agent, to Echo’s Handler, there just seemed to be too much two face in Paul. Adding to the fact that so much time was dedicated to the innuendo of Echo and Ballard that it was somewhat surprising to see a scene dedicated to Echo mourning his untimely death. Eliza Dushku for the first time shows off a very emotional performance as she comes to grips with her lonely life.

Paul tells Echo that she really hasn’t opened up to him since they’ve been together and than seeing her feel guilt for not telling him how she felt was witnessing the evolution of Echo. Dushku had often played Echo as Buffy but without the emotional baggage. Here we finally see Echo “feel” human. In the final ultimate last scene, Echo is united with Paul via an imprint wedge and they finally are together (well in her mind anyway) and the last shot is Echo sleeping in the Dollhouse bunk, smiling.

Miscellaneous Tidbits of Bits

Alan Tudyk makes a cameo as Alpha, now a resistance member who fashions the Dollhouse back the way it was. Summer Glau also cameos via video footage so that Topher can say goodbye. Maurissa Tancharoen played Kilo, one of Victor’s Road Warrior tech heads. She is married to Jed Whedon and was also a writer on Dollhouse.

It’s time for a one final treatment

Epitaph 2: The Return resulted in some world saving, some families reunited, some unfortunate sacrifices and true love for one. It’s far from a perfect series finale but more of a dedication to Joss Whedon to the fanbase that the characters of the show are what matters most. Whedon didn’t want us to speculate on the fate of our characters and we should be thankful we got closure on all of them.

In the end, Dollhouse will be remembered as a show that took an idea from Eliza and Joss, evolved it and brought back one of the geniuses of modern day TV back to the medium. However, even a genius can make something that backfires. What started out as a good idea turned into a total misfire. Hey, ask Topher Brink about that. He knows exactly how Joss Whedon feels.

Categories: dichen lachman, dollhouse, dollhouse cancellation, dollhouse quotes, dollhouse series finale, eliza dushku, joss whedon, liza lapira

Live Tweeting while watching the worst of torture porn: Train (Review)

First the plot.................

In Europe, a group of American college athletes unknowingly board a train that will become one deadly ride

OK here was my live tweet transcript from yesterday. Follow me Twitter for more upcoming live tweets of terribly bad flicks.

jadedviewer Ok I'm starting my live tweet of train....supposedly the worst torture porn flick ever....if you miss this...ill post it on the site tom #jvtrain

jadedviewer Well opening scene they just deskinned somebody ala martyrs...on a train! Whatta surprise #jvtrain

jadedviewer Thora birch is looking oldish and she's on an american wrestling team? And they are in bratislava! E europe is like the w virginia of europe #jvtrain

jadedviewer Thora birch gave 2 creepy guys her passport...didn't she see hostel? #jvtrain

jadedviewer the failsafe of torture porn....ocular trauma!#jvtrain

jadedviewer Brass knuckle and urination torture...well that's new #jvtrain

jadedviewer Well they just discovered this is terror train to harvest organs or some shit...and thora birch is badly emoting #jvtrain

jadedviewer Gratuitous use of a tunnel to make it oooooooh scary....organ harvesters 5 americans 0 #jvtrain

jadedviewer Nipple torture and the old reliable bone saw....and chest cavity gore...and hooks thru the mouth..and these people are still alive? #jvtrain

jadedviewer Omg there is like 30 min left in this flick....crap #jvtrain

jadedviewer I've been watching for an hour and I have no idea what thora birchs characters name is. #jvtrain

jadedviewer They just bashed a dudes head with a rock...that's old school flinstones torture porn #jvtrain

jadedviewer So all her friends are dead and now she's going all final girl revenge frenzy...look out black market killers!!! #jvtrain

jadedviewer Final fight is thora birch vs bratislavan big john studd!!! #jvtrain

jadedviewer Haahhahaha she used a wrestling move to make big john studd tap out and now he got squished by a train...so bad #jvtrain

jadedviewer Well that sucked maybe I should pick a good movie for a live tweet #jvtrain


Check out the trailer below.







Tags:
train trailer thora birch, thora birch , american horror , terror train remake, gratuitous nudity,

Categories: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, terror train, terror train remake, thora birch

Exploitation Awesomeness or Sleazy Horror Porn?

If you walk into any mom and pop video store, you'll see the same layout in each one. The action flicks are next to the sci-fi movies, which are next to the horror movies. And what's next to the horror movies? Yup, saloon style doors with bells on them signaling the entrance to the porn section.

Porn and horror are like a fat man is with a Big Mac. They go hand in hand.

So what happens when you mix horror with porn? You get Shane Ryan's Amateur Porn Star Killer movies. These trilogy of films aren't like Zombie Strippers where porn actors and actresses show some skin and die a gruesome death. It's not even having Sasha Grey in your flick. Nope the APK movies are serial killer, shot on video diaries where he lures girls, has sex with them (with full frontal penetration, BJ's and the rest) then kills them for his own delusional happiness.

Now that's blending the genres together. I unfortunately have seen the 2 other flicks in this trilogy. After reviewing Part 2, I went back and saw Part 1 (well you know for research purposes only) and they both sucked (...literally). I don't think I'll see Part 3 but that's why I'm posting this trailer.

The two camps of Shane Ryan's work are split. Some say he's a mad genius having perfected this subgenre.

Here's some PRO APK quotes:

"...AMATEUR PORN STAR KILLER 3 makes films like SAW and HOSTEL look like Disney films."

-Basement Screams

All other sites and blogs basically say these flicks are unwatchable pieces of garbage. But the fact that I am TALKING about this and I've warranted a post about his flicks says something. Like porn itself, there are different fetishes and types of pornography (and all of them are a Google search away to view for your perverted enjoyment).

So if we can have midget transsexual porn or 2 girls 1 cup porn, there is enough room for amateur porn star killer porn. It's highly amazing that he's made 3 of these flicks. Who actually watches these flicks when porn is plentiful and free on the interweb?

Hmm could it be because there is a horror aspect to it? That's why gratuitous sex scenes are in horror movies. Because somehow we want to see death when we are our most vulnerable. You can read into that all you want, find the subtext or some shit, but its true. It's like the fear of dying when we're asleep...we can't see it coming.

Horror and porn are very distinct in their goals. Horror poses to scare the shit out of you and make you see something cruel and disturbing. Porn is designed to make you aroused. These are two emotions that somehow are not designed to coexist at the same time. I'm just saying.

But more to the point, is horror porn a fad or will it become a mainstay in the various subgenres of horror.

Such with the August Underground films, new sub genres of horror are peeking into the horror consciousness. Some I've noticed are:

• Serial Killer porn horror
  
• Vomit horror
• Animal cruelty horror
• The "lets kidnap a girl and threaten to kill her" pseudo snuff film
• Religious iconography parody horror movies (eg. Jesus Christ: Serial Killer)
• Slavery horror
• Incest horror (I've actually seen c/o of Corey Udler's Incest Death Squad which incidentally has a quote from this site on the cover)
  

In any case, you decide if these are fringes of horror or will we be seeing more of this stuff. I've posted the trailer to the 3rd APK movie below.

Part 3 Trailer

Categories: amateur porn, amateur porn horror, Amateur Porn Star Killer, Amateur Porn Star Killer 2, Amateur Porn Star Killer 2 review, exploitation, exploitation film, porn, porn trailers, pornstar

A Vote for the jaded viewer is a vote for......well me!!! (Bloody Disgusting's Horror Blogger Awards)

A few weeks ago, the horror blogosphere got in an uproar over Total Film's definition of a horror blog. So Mr. D of Bloody Disgusting (one of the nominated "blogs") decided to call out for nominations for the real horror bloggers out there.

And guess who nominated the jaded viewer?

Well I nominated my own blog of course. Why wouldn't I nominate myself? This be America, where if we ever had a zombie apocalypse, I'd be the first one hording the gas. But to be fair, a few other awesome bloggers nominated the site as well. Nods for the jaded viewer came from Planet of Terror and The Horror Effect.

So it's awesome to be nominated from a major horror site like Bloody Disgusting. 60 other blogs were nominated too. 60!?!!? That's a hell of a fuckin lot of blogs. But those blogs are all top notch horror men and women who know their shit. Whoever wins, it's all good.

Hmm how the hell can I rig this? Oops...damn you inner thought bubble!! Well, looks like I'm going to have to plead, beg and buy your votes. So how can I convince you to vote for me?

If this is the first time you've visited here, this is what the jaded viewer is all about:

• My rating is based on Jean Claude Van Damme spinkicks!
• My reviews are usually a FAQ of hilarity (An example would be my review of Joel "Batman Nipples" Schumaker's straight to DVD Nazi demon film "Blood Creek")
• I have seen every After Dark Horrorfest movie and have lived to write about it
• Slow moving or fast moving zombies? SLOW MOVING of course!!! Why would the deterioration and decomposing of your body make you move faster and give you super human strength?
• I compile the gore meters (Goreipedia) and boobs (Nudipedia) in my reviews so you know what your gonna get!
• The jaded viewer will watch the crappiest horror movies and compile an easy to digest review, sorta like sitting through an episode of Heroes
  
• If you vote for me, I'll personally come to your house or apartment and give you running DVD commentary of the horror movie of your choice (MST3K style!) (some restrictions may apply)

Convinced? Are you ready to check that box for the jaded viewer? Well then fellow jaded viewer, head over to Bloody Disgusting and vote for the jaded viewer!

Thanks in advance for the vote and the support.

VOTE FOR THE JADED VIEWER!

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

The Dead (Trailer)

I rarely post any mainstream news on here but I gotta say, after seeing the trailer for The Dead, I got flashbacks of Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2. Damn this looks awesome. I thought the zombie film was a shotgun to the head away from dying, but I might be wrong.

I'm not too excited about George A. Romero's Survival of the Dead as the early exit interviews have been ripe with "ugh" and "WTF". But The Dead, directed by the Ford Bros. looks like a zombie classic waiting to happen.

Here be the plot (via Dread Central)

After crashing off the coast, Lt Brian Murphy battles for survival across the vast terrains of Africa in search for a way to get back to his beloved family. Joined by local military man Daniel Dembele who is also searching for his son, together both men join forces all the while battling against the ever present threat of the living dead!

the jaded viewer says: African zombies!!! Head shots! Slow moving zombies! An American soldier on the run. Damn this sounds like Resident Evil 4! OMG! It is!

Check out the trailers below.





Latest trailer...

Categories: 2010 horror movies, living dead, lucio fulci, moshing zombies, top 5 scenes in lucio fulci's zombi 2, top 5 zombie movies you've never heard of, zombies

Boring Bikini Samurai Assassin Girl = OneChanbara (Review)

OneChanbara

OneChanbara (2008)

Directed by Yôhei Fukuda

I didn't really expect a good movie as I popped OneChanbara into my DVD player but I mean the cover has a girl with samurai swords, a cowboy hat and she's wearing a bikini. Least this could have been was Japanese Skinemax.

But it turns out OneChanbara, which is based on a PS2/Xbox game wasn't a Versus like zombie movie or Japanese hentai. It turned out to be some low end, cash in video game movie that was probably directed by the Japanese Uwe Boll.

Egads.

So who is this girl on the cover? Her name is Aya, some mystical assassin with kick ass sword skills that by pressing "X" alot with "square" enables her to slaughter the attacking zombie hordes. She's got a fat fuck Japanese guy with her that plays as comic relief and Reiko, a shot gun toting zombie renegade.

Mission wise, they go from setting to setting killing zombies until they reach Dr. Sugita and his protege Saki (who is Aya's sister). Various hadoukens later, she kills her sister and they ride into the zombie filled sunset.

Yawn.

The girl on the cover was mute for most of the movie and oddly wasn't hot as I thought she was gonna be. Also, you've got your standard Sailor Moon schoolgirl outfits, zombies who use weapons and various goofy CGI.

I haven't seen a good Japanese zombie in a while and had low expectations for this but I'm eager to get our next good Japanese zombie movie. You listening Japan? Get to it.

Rating:

1/2 a

Here's the trailer.





Wow these video game trailers have more skin than the movie....





Here's more video game footage....

Categories: fast moving zombies, japanese, japanese gore, video game movies, zombies

Vampires that don't sparkle! The Strain (Book Review)

The Strain

By Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan

Hey! Look at what we have here. The jaded viewer actually reads a book! Yes, I do read on occasion. I got this book for free for being a VIP after visiting Nightmare: Vampires, a haunted house in NYC.

So yes, it took me about 3 months to read a book. Well it was 400 pages so it was kind a long. But I'm glad I finished it. It's what you call a blockbuster action book. Pure Reading Rainbow, out of this world escapism at its best.

Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan co-wrote a solid novel, that easily reads from page to page and is filled with haunting visuals, NYC under attack from a deadly plague of vampirism and characters that are very real and very relatable.

The story is classic vamp noir. A plane lands in NYC unknown to the public that the Master, an ancient rogue vampire has set foot in NYC and unleashed the deadliest strain of a disease that has no cure. The vampires described are the non sparkly kind. Very reminiscent of the "Reapers" in Del Toro's Blade 2, they are demon-ish, their organs and innards become all squishy and reconfigured and they have "satin red eyes" and mandible mouths with stingers.

Bent on stopping this new undead army is Dr. Ephraim Goodweather of the CDC, his partner Nora and a mysterious old man named Abraham Setrakian who knows more about the Master and the upcoming plague.

It's a very Blade-like story, but I think the elements of the book that shined for me were the detailed passages about how individual New Yorkers experienced, coped and survived the outbreak. The back story of Setrakian is also compelling as is the family dynamic of Eph. But being a born and bred New Yorker, the descriptions of NYC are dead on. From Queens to Brooklyn to the Bronx, each description of the city were 100% accurate.

The Strain is the first of a trilogy, with The Fall due out this year and The Night External as the last chapter. If your looking to escape those sparkly vamps, priest vamps, tween vamps and vampires that may or may not be gay, then get infected by The Strain.

Here is a trailers promoting the book.

Categories: comic books. graphic novels, guillermo del toro, nightmare vampires, nyc horror, pan's labyrinth, the strain, vampire diaries, vampire kids, vampires

The Horror Continuum (Random Edition)

Ahh its' Ivy in a lab coat! My current TV crush is Liza Lapira who plays Ivy on the Fox show Dollhouse. I've been obsessed with her and a bunch of the hotties on that show of late.

But I digress. I haven't done a Horror Continuum in a while and I've been getting a lot of stuff in my inbox looking for some free PR. Well might as well get this over with.

As seen on the Interweb....Bloody Disgusting is putting together a horror blogger contest..submit your nominations! (Bloody Disgusting)

Seems Uruguay just saw Rec and decided to make their own version.. check out La Casa Muda teaser trailer (Basement Screams)

Severin Films is releasing The Alcove on DVD. Flesh-fest...Yay. (Severin Films)

I brought to your attention this horror web series a few months ago called The Scare Game, Episode 2 and 3 and 4 are now available on YouTube. (YouTube)

Got a PR release for a weird, crazy book called Ass Goblins of Auschwitz. After reading the plot summary, I'm actually intrigued. (Press Release)

Another web series, this one about cops. It's called Central Division. I watched the first few episodes and it's not too bad. (Press Release)

Check out Planet of Terror's Interview with Alex Horwitz, director of Alice Jacobs is Dead (a short I reviewed and introduced to the horror blogosphere)

Beautiful, In-human ladies bare all! (UGO)

Theaters where the After Dark Horrorfest movies will play (After Dark)

Just wanted to get that all out of the way. Ahh nice clean inbox now.

Categories: links from the horrorsphere, liza lapira, the horror continuum

Parkour + French Racial Unity = District 13: Ultimatum (Review)

District 13: Ultimatum

Banlieue 13 - Ultimatum (2009)

Directed by Patrick Alessandrin

par·kour n. (park-joor') An activity in which the participant movies quickly and fluidly, by surmounting obstacles such as walls and railings and leaping across open spaces.

Not going to write a long review here. I recently picked this flick up at a cheap DVD store and with the pending US DVD and theatrical release upcoming, I'd thought I'd share my thoughts.

When I first saw the original District 13 I ranked it #9 on my top 10 movies of 2006. Back then I had only scene glimpses of free running and parkour on YouTube, I was to say the least intrigued. The guys who created parkour David Belle (who stars in this D13) and Sébastien Foucan (he was recently in The Tournament) have turned into action stars and the original was outright fuckin awesome.

Parkour moves are a thrill to watch. Seeing dudes jump from tall buildings is outright fascinating. And to see dudes effortlessly jump in and out of tight spots and maneuver from angles and heights that would scare Evil Knievel is freakin fun.

As for the movie, following the story of the original, France is still divided into districts, each with their own racial gang. You got your I-talians, Blacks, Asians and Arabs. When the corrupt police plan to destroy District 13, its up to Belle and fellow traceur Cyril Raffaelli (he plays the super cop) to kick ass, parkour away from inept French police and unite the gangs to save their beloved home.

All in all, a good solid action flick filled with humor, uber action porn and the best traceurs (parkour performers) the discipline has to offer. Be sure to check out the original before you see this (as its actually better). Parkour!

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.





Here is the trailer of the original movie.





And finally here is one of the first American parkour videos I ever saw. Pretty awesome.

Categories: action cinema, district 13, french film, parkour

Blood Creek (Review)

Blood Creek (aka Town Creek)

Blood Creek (2009)

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Look at that. That's not a typo. This film was actually directed by Joel Schumacher. So 75% chance this is gonna suck. I mean this is the man who gave us Batman nipples. I think the only flick I liked of his was 8mm.

But I digress. Lion's Gate poops out horror movies into the dollar bin every year, sometimes they give low budget theaters a chance to screen their horror line. They did the same thing with Midnight Meat Train, a film that deserved a chance to be pushed mainstream and to be seen because it was awesome.

Well what we got here is a Lions Gate clunker that could have easily been on After Dark's Horrorfest lineup. Blood Creek is a very odd flick. It starts out all Martyrs like and then becomes Nazi occult demonology kung fu.

I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I don't have enough brain power to actually review this movie so I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions that you were gonna ask anyway.

1.) West Virginia has Nazi zombies?

Ummm. Yeah sorta. Supposedly a Nazi officer named Wirth who with orders from Hitler goes to West Virginia (West Virginia has redneck cannibals and Nazi zombies...note to self: NEVER EVER GO TO WEST VIRGINIA) in the 30s to dabble in some occult Nordic rune stones. He entraps a German family and becomes a redneck cannibal.

2.) So what does this have to do with brothers? Are they redneck cannibals too?

I'm going to say nope, they aren't. Seems Vic (Dominic Purcell) went missing on a fishing trip but mysteriously pops up and tells his brother Evan (Henry Cavill) to help him kill a family. Of course he doesn't explain why he wants to slaughter mom, dad, sis and big bro. I mean if you said:

"Bro, we need to kill them because they tortured me in a shipping container and fed me to an undead Nazi officer bent on world domination!"

Would you believe him?

3.) So the brothers and the family are the good guys?

Yup. The family turns out to be good plus they haven't aged since the 30s. The daughter Liese (Emma Booth) knows all about Wirth and his plans for taking over the world because she stole them and went to www.nazioccultforbeginners.com.

4.) So I heard this Wirth guy has rules he has to abide by and he has powers like he can melt your face. I hate fuckin rules in my Nazi occult monster movies. So are there boobies?

Nope. Sorry dude, no boobies of any kind. But as for the rules, poor Wirth has more things he CAN'T do than a freakin vampire. See below.

• He can't enter a house with blood rune markings
• He can't fight you if your wearing the bones of his ancestors
• He can't drink his own blood, it will poison him

As for powers, he's got:

• He can reanimate the dead (humans and animals)
  
• He's got killer nails
• He can transform and develop a 3rd eye of DOOM!

It's not as awesome as it sounds. Trust me.

5.) Are there horses in this? I love horses, they are such beautiful, peaceful animals. They are so majestic and strong and brave.

Yup, there are horses. In one scene, Vic and Evan shoot a horse to death by riddling it with shotgun shells. They blow chunks of horse meat all over the house. Horses rock.

6.) How's the splatter content? Will I say "Fuck yeah!" in any of the gore scenes?

Gore is solid here. Lots of oozing yellow puss, blood and various excrement. Wirth's Nazi zombie makeup is top notch (as you can see on the cover).

7.) I heard the CGI makes Avatar look like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. Really?

What planet you on Avator boy? The CGI and visual effects are laughable at best. You could see better effects from the prize out of a Cracker Jack box.

8.) I know the Nazi's stole the Ark of the Covenant and searched for the Holy Grail. So is this based on true events?

Yes it is. Is it time for your meds yet?

9.) So does Dominic Purcell inflict violence in every scene he's in?

You betcha **wink wink**. I mean has there ever been a TV show or film that Dominic Purcell's starred in that he hasn't punched somebody in the face? The man loves punching people in the face. He's so good at it.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

Yup. Seems other Nazi occult agents were sent all over West Virginia to look up Runes. Here's hoping we send Indiana Jones after them.

There ya have it. That's your Blood Creek FAQ. The fact that I didn't see a creek in this movie is the least of my gripes. There is blood, there is no creek and there is no town. So what is there?

There is one helluva bad movie.

WTF moment

Horse-acide

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This came out yesterday on DVD. You may be tempted to rent this, Netflix it or *gasp* even buy this, I implore you...DO NOT! But hell, you may not listen to me and think a Joel Schumacher horror film is worthy of an hour and a half of your time.

Let me remind you of two words: Batman nipples.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: 2010 horror dvd, 2010 horror movies, german horror, german splatter, german zombies, nazi zombies

Horror Blogging 101 (or what the hell do I write about?)

I've noticed a lot of new bloggers starting their own horror blogs recently. That's good to see. People who are passionate about the horror genre and want to chime in on their thoughts makes this little horror blogosphere better. Joining this horror blogosphere is supe duper awesome. All the people I've talked to, tweeted, e-mailed and left comments for are some of the uber coolest people from across the country and the world. All have a unique style to their writing, some are cleverly Tricks are for Kids hilarious and others come up with theme posts and running gags that never get old.

But starting up a blog is a huge undertaking (ok maybe not, it's pretty much like tweeting but longer).

Anybody can write a blog. Right now, as you're reading this, some 14 year old tween girl wearing black nail polish and listening to Sonic Youth is writing on her Twilight blog and is anxiously waiting for that first comment. (it usually is "FIRST!") In another part of the country, a 38 year old film school dropout just watched Saw VI and wants to share his thoughts so he's registered DiscountJigsawsTraps.blogspot.com.

I don't know the exact figure but shit, I'd say 5,000 people a day start up a blog. Some write 3 posts and forget about it, some write 25 posts a day. But to be effective as a horror blogger, you have to go with a few foolproof generic posts that will get people engaged. I'm here to show you the ropes, give you some tips and tricks of the trade and for only two easy payments of $19.99 make you the next jaded viewer.

(Some of you may be saying...Jeff, why are you qualified to teach ME about horror blogging? Your site SUCKS BALLS and is filled with lists, pictures of horror queens I've never heard of and your reviews are like Bible long. And your taste in horror movies is equivalent to a poor man's Dread Central. Well if you put it that way......you're right. You guys are mean. Fuck, I'm going to watch Avatar again. Oh screw that Mr. or Ms. Horror Bourgeoisie! Yeah my qualifications can be called in to question, but I promise you like a Billy Mays infomercial, you'll find it funny, slightly interesting, very arousing and you'll use what I have to say)

Still interested? OK let's list a few tricks to get you started.

Lesson 1: Picking a name for your blog

Well this is it. The single most important thing you can do is pick a fuckin awesome name for your blog. Remember this is the name that you're going to promote the shit out of. It has to be clever, easy to remember and really works if its 4 words or less (though this can be ignored if your name is really clever like Chuck Norris Ate My Baby). The easiest route is to put "horror" in some form in the name. My suggestion, use a variation of a title of a horror movie or play Scrabble.

For inspiration, check out the blogs to the right.

TANGENT ALERT!!!

(Oh yeah, you gotta pick a place to create your blog. I'd suggest Blogger as its already got a built in horror community so you can Follow peeps and easily comment. Wordpress is fine. Their layouts look way nicer than Blahger. Only drawback on Wordpress is you're gonna have to PR the crap out of it)

END TANGENT ALERT!!!

Lesson 2: A post title that LOLs or that can easily offend most of America

OK, now that you got your name, you need to actually write shit. Everybody on the Internet has ADD and usually skims through post titles so you need to either tweet a good subject line or fill it with high levels of vulgarity.

Examples are:

My favorite Ice Cream flavor: Zombie Brains!

or

Trick R Treat fuckin sucked monkey nards (if you liked this movie you have the IQ of a Triceratops)

Lesson 3: Reviews of mainstream horror movies where you make fun of the audience

OK, its guaranteed that the most reader response will come from horror movies that everybody has seen. It's definitely OK to write a review of Zombieland. People love that movie. It's total water cooler horror. But filling your review with "Bill Murray was awesome!" and "Clown zombie was scary!" is not gonna cut it.

To get people to comment, you now have to make fun of the audience for no apparent reason. Why? Because they won't see it coming! Like a bad M. Knight movie, you'll sucker the reader into a false review read and then make fun of them because they didn't see the twist coming.

I'm writing this totally buck naked.

See! There ya go. Who saw that coming? Fuck, it's kinda chilly in here and even I didn't see that horrible horrible thought in the middle of this lesson.

Lesson 4: Arterial Spraying + Gratuitous Nudity + Lists Lists Lists! = Jello

Who doesn't like jello? It can look like brain matter, jiggles like a pair of D cups and it taste yummy. As a horror blogger, there are a few foolproof things to write about that will get people hyped.

1.) Writing about gore and splatter movies gets people highly excited. Everybody loves a good arterial spraying and decapitation so writing a lot about splatter movies is guaranteed to get people to word verify.

2.) China can't see pornography so they have to rely on you to post nudity in your blog to get their fix. Write about nudity in horror, post pictures of horror hotties and talking about hottest zombie women can only get that hit counter moving.

3.) When you're scraping the bottom of your brain for something to write about, the old reliable horror list is the way to go. Who doesn't like a list? Like some mac and cheese, you can nuke up a list in about 2 minutes. Shit, it don't even have to be a good one.

Lists are like cocaine to horror fans. We're addicted! Look, I'll show you.

Top 3 Japanese Horror Movies where technology tries to kill you

1.) The Ring
2.) One Missed Call
3.) Pulse

See...that list got you as high as Lindsay Lohan at a BYOW party.

Lesson 5: Be a productive member of the horror blogosphere, Comment!

Well this is actually the hardest of all because you have to visit at least a dozen sites and leave your mark. Long, elaborate comments on the other person's blog is good. If you didn't agree with what they wrote, say so. People love defending their work and they will reply to your comment.

Instigate a tsunami of replies by disliking something everybody likes and leaving a comment. They'll all be so intrigued that they'll comment on your blog and if your lucky...send you hate mail.

If you want to be a "good" blogger, leaving a comment praising the article is the way to go. But don't expect it to be regifted.

Well there you have it. This concludes Horror Blogging 101. If I get a lot of people interested in this class, we'll have a 102. OK I see you raising your hands. If you have a question, leave a comment and I will definitely answer it.

Class dismissed!

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Killer Movie (Review)

Killer Movie

Killer Movie (2008)

Directed by Jeff Fisher

[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who is back from the dead. Check out his other reviews and features in the right hand nav bar]

So, the jaded viewer asked me to review some movies for the site. Movies that he felt were so irredeemably bad, he could not physically review himself, citing fear for his health. Seeing that I'm pretty much the trash-TV expert, I figured I'd choose to do 'Killer Movie' because of it's reality show theme. And I was also looking to see something different than the usual horror crap. I'd say my tolerance for horror is pretty thin these days. You could say my viewing has become rather jaded (hey, see what I did there ...)

OK, the real reason I wanted to see this was:

• It was on blu-ray, and I haven't watched any horror on the blu-ray yet.
• The presence of hot-ass Leighton Meester (of Gossip Girl fame) in the film.
  

Let us delve into these items individually....

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A reality TV director copes with a spoiled celebutante and a show gone haywire when a masked killer starts bumping off the crew in this slasher-movie satire.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Blu-Ray: What can I say? blu-ray is the shit. It's freaking awesome. As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. You really get your money's worth for your HDTV with these blu-ray movies. Now, it doesn't make the plot/acting any better mind you. But you can actually see the pores in the girl's faces when they close up! For older women, Damn, blu-ray's your worst nightmare. So, no complaints for visual quality here. Top notch.

The lovely hot-ass Leighton Meester: I've never actually watched the Gossip Girl (I guess because I'm neither 15 years old, nor female), but I've been made aware of the hotness of Leighton Meester through the interwebs. So, it was nice to actually see her 'work' (without having to hate myself later). Well, suffice it to say, her appearance is very brief, despite her name getting top billing on the blu-ray cover art. Damn you false advertising! The lovely Miss Meester is only in 2 scenes, with 1 scene just having her screaming and dying. For the first time ever, I was actually rooting for the victim. Don't kill her, she's too cute to die! Sigh. Anyhow, she is super hot. She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly (before Derek Jeter ruined her). Hopefully she will be featured more prominently in future projects which will allow us to see more of her 'talent'

Ugh. So 10 minutes into the movie and the hot girl I'm watching the movie for is dead. Shit. What to do? I heroically pressed on and watched the other 70 minutes. The plot you say? Oh yeah, probably should have gotten to that by now. The story is about this Zack Morris-looking guy who is directing a reality show in North Dakota about a small town high school hockey team. It turns out though, as filming starts, a bunch of people in town start turning up dead (like the hot-ass Leighton Meester). The lesbian super-bitch producer decides to run with the murder angle instead of the hockey bullshit (practical decision). The subplot involves a diva actress, named Blanca Champion (played by the not quite hot Kaley Cuoco), following Zach Morris around, in an attempt to learn about directing. Predictably, Blanca ends up hating the small town and being a bitch to everyone. Yes, her name is Blanca Champion.

The crew, which somehow ends up being like 10 people, all start dying off (duh!?!?). So who did it? Do you really care? Fuck does it matter? Everybody's potentially the killer! Ooooh, the suspense! Like all horror movies like this, whoever ends up dying isn't the killer, so theoretically, the suspense should increase as we approach the awesome reveal at the end. Alas, you can probably guess who did it, if you actually gave it some thought while watching (which I didn't).

Strangely enough, there were no black characters in this. Yup, all-white cast mother fucker! That's pretty shocking in a horror movie of this ilk. No rapper turned actors here. Actually, I found it kinda refreshing. Less cliches is always a good thing. And that's coming from me. You know I love me some black movies.

Now so far, this review looks like I hated it, and from looking at IMDB, almost everybody else did. Well, the title, 'Killer Movie' is terrible. But actually, overall, this shit wasn't THAT BAD. The reason for that was, the movie never took itself seriously. The characters are all pretty self-aware. Now I know self-aware movies are all the rage and by now have become pretty played out. But here, the characters do it without appearing snarky, which I personally appreciate. We don't need a generation of Junos. This movie was short, fun, and almost completely forgettable. Aint nothing wrong with that. The ending though, is so mind-numbing stupid, it's almost offensive. However, I can probably forgive that. It's not like we're gonna see a 'Killer Movie 2' (or at least I hope not).

Alright, on to the important stuff. Gore aka (Gore-ipedia): OK, well, the visual quality, as I said before was top notch, but unfortunately, that didn't really translate to the kill scenes. This flick was filmed in 21 days, so maybe there was no time for a good gore effects guy? Too bad. What we did have was: the hot-ass Meester gets decapitated by barbed wire (awful special effect there), some girl gets table sawed, lesbian gets hung by a chain, meat clever to some guy's chest, slacker gets arm severed (laughably bad effect), other lesbian gets garden shear-ed, and some poor bastard gets his throat slit pretty good. The slasher character is lame. He wears a hoody and a Jabberwocky mask. And he runs (frequently). Ho-hum stuff mostly in this department.

T&A aka (Nude-ipedia): God damn it. Alright, so I had come to accept that the lovely Leighton Meester wouldn't get naked. But nothing? At all? Seriously? The closest we get is some bra and panties in a simulated lesbian sex scene (it sounds a lot better than it was, very PG13). The next closest we get is Leighton Meester riding an ATV (and my overactive imagination). Overall, it wasn't a great cast in terms of 'hot girls I'd appreciate seeing naked' anyway, so maybe no huge loss. But in a shit horror movie like this, you'd still hope for at least one 'strong sexual content'. I was really looking forward to seeing some spectacular blu-ray tits. I guess that will have to wait to when I review some blu-ray pornography. Of course, that will be sure to happen when jadedviewer.com switches over from horror to a harcore-XXX review format later in the year.

WTF moment: One funny ass moment that I'm sure the director was in on when they wrote it. Zack Morris-looking guy is looking for the killer in the woods (kudos for proactively trying to attack the slasher, good shit). So, Zack accidentally steps into a bear trap! His reaction? He grimaces. He acknowledges the pain. But no biggie. Mind you, he just stepped in a fucking BEAR TRAP! Instead of a massive compound fracture, he experiences some mild discomfort. Later, he is freed (off-camera), and looks just fine, thank you. Small stain on his jeans, a slight limp (like if your leg fell asleep). A BEAR TRAP! Good times. They make a great self-referential joke about it during the 'crazy credits'.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So, in closing, Killer Movie, was for the most part, just another generic horror movie. However, for some reason, I found myself strangely enjoying it. Maybe it was the super low expectations. Or maybe, it was the 5 minutes of the lovely Meester. Or maybe, the fact that I actually found myself liking most of the characters (very rare occurrence in slashers). Whatever it was, it's the best horror movie I've seen in 2010! So, if you can get your hands on this movie for free, or via download, or if you just got $10.99 burning a hole in your pocket. Or if you have a hunger, that only a faux reality show horror comedy can satiate, then, damn it, go see Killer Movie. You could do a lot worse, ....

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Categories: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, blu-ray, gore, gratuitous nudity, killer movie, leighton meester, reality tv satire, slasher films, splatter