Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Teeth (Review)


Teeth (2007)

Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein

I like to define subgenres of horror. What you can call this is simple.


We expect to see T&A, sex and mutilation.

And Teeth gives us all of the above, and gives it to us in a full blown load of funny satire and splatter.

It's a simple buildup. And you know whats to come. And it climaxes at the very end.


Boring Plot-O-Matic (thank you official site)

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Teeth can be summed up one phrase.


Isn't that what you got out of seeing Teeth as well? Suffice it to say, Teeth is horrorotica with a tad of black comedy and satire and some good ole gory horror mixed in. And it works. Clocking in at a good ole 90 minutes, the film paces well and though the ending is cliched, you got what you deserved when you decided to watch a movie about vagina dentata.

Jess Weixler gives a great performance as Dawn, the mutant with the killer flower. Her family lives in mutant land (2 power plants are near her home). She has a sick mom, a step dad and a gothy metal step brother named Brad who wants to have what Greg and Marsha Brady never did.

Dawn has gone all Republican and is abstinence heavy in her purity cult. But teenagers today are all fucked up and she meets Toby. But Toby is a jerk off and becomes victim # 1 of Dawn's killer dentata.

Her "teeth" are the ultimate defense mechanism and ultimately fuck up a gynecologist, an American Pie reject and a special somebody who we all knew was gonna get fucked up.

Jess Weixler has that girl next door look mixed in with a femme fatale that makes the movie work. She plays her role, as distraught, as "The Bride" and as feminism come alive.

You've got the men playing the victims in a nice vice versa effect and most of the dudes of course are 3 steps away from being on "To Catch a Preadator" on Dateline NBC.

Of course they all deserve to get their penises ripped apart for being such oversexed horny rapists looking only to score.

So Dawn makes the men pay with her new mutant powers. Joss Whedon would be proud.

What more can you say about a movie about a killer vagina?


Killer Condom
Movies about vaginas that kill

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Mutilated penis
Sliced Fingers
Mutilated penis
Dog attacks
Mutilated penis
Severed penis
Did I mention there are mutilated penises?

Nudipedia (because you like boobies)

We see Dawn's glorious boobies

WTF moment

The gynecologist visit
The dog special "treat"

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Teeth is American Pie but horror-fied. Truly a classic horror-rotica-omedy. Teenage angst is always John Hughes territory but given a satirical gory sense of humor you get Teeth.

And it comes at you with a big bite.

"Sometimes, your a mutant with vagina teeth. But that doesn't mean you can't live a normal life. All you have to remember is MUTITLATED PENSISES EQUAL FEMALE EMPOWERMENT"

[cue NBC The More you Know music]


The Trailer:

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  1. This film is awesome. I will never forget the moment towards the end where the penis drops down from between her legs and the dog begins to chew on it for as long as I live. This film almost makes me want to be celebate. Great review. Definitely one of the better horror flicks to have come out recently.

  2. Nice review.

    My favorite scene is the one involving the gynecologist. "Re-lax."