OK don't all hate me at once. But I'll admit, I thought Postal wasn't half bad. I know it's the "cool" thing to hate on the Uwe Boll. And indeed, all his movies based on video games sucked like a newborn on her mommy's boobies. But before I bash the German goremeister, I have made it a point to actually see the flick before I trash it.
And I've seen House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne and Dungeon Seed (and yes they all have sucked). I haven't seen Tunnel Rats, Far Cry and Stoic as of yet. Just because everybody says it sucks doesn't mean I'm joining the damn bandwagon. I'm going to be the fuckin triangle in the square hole and think otherwise.
So after watching the trailer for Rampage, it actually looks pretty fucked up (like happy good fucked up). It actually reminded me of a movie by Boll's special effects master Olaf Ittenbach called Poison (watch the trailer here)
Here be the plot.
A man with a thirst for revenge builds a full body armor from Kevlar and goes on a killing spree.
Check out the trailer below. Rampage will premiere at the Fantasic Fest in Texas.
I'm not doing my job correctly if I don't post stuff that's going to offend you. But then again, the hardcore horrorverse is un PC as can be so I'm basically preaching to the choir. So it's good to know that I can post some trailers of Cory Udler's film Incest Death Squad.
The exploitation craze keeps chugging along. I'm going to have to keep adding more movies to my Most Anticipated Exploitation/Grindhouse Movies of 2009. Starring Troma king Lloyd Kaufman and Elske McCain (who starred in another modern day exploit, Jessika Rabid) it seems we're not just rebooting rape and revenge, nunsploitation, and other grindhouse subgenres. Nope we gotta go with incestsploitation.
Well that's fuckin new.
So whose doing the incesting? Check out the plot below. Thanks to Fangoria for the heads up.
Incest Death Squad is the story of Jeb and Amber Wayne, an incestuous brother and sister who kill tourists in the name of God.
Check out the trailers below. The new July trailer looks better than the official trailer oddly enough. Are you going to hell if you see this movie? Hmm. Probably so.
The horror films coming out from Australia are rivaling the French, British and *gasp* even the Americans. Wolf Creek, Rogue, Dying Breed and others have all shown that even they....wait for it.... can make mediocre horror films.
Well Nature's Grave aka Long Weekend is just another run of the mill, when nature runs amok movie that's just like the rest of the straight to used DVD bin movies we make here.
It's unfortunate that it turned out this way. I would have expected something a little more from a movie that plotted a story of man vs nature. It's premise seemed to be slightly intriguing but in the end, all we get is a tidal wave of disappointment.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A suburban couple take a weekend vacation in the hopes of repairing their relationship. What they don't know is that when they mess with nature, Nature will bite them back. They set out to an isolated beach where they encounter nature's revenge.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Having read after seeing the movie that Nature's Grave is a shot by shot remake of an original cult classic Long Weekend (1978), I was thinking I should have watched the original. The movie is quite a slow burn and when you get to the end, it just goes out.
Peter (Jim Caviezel) and Marcia (Claudia Karvan) are having marital problems but decide to go to a camping trip to work it out. Peter is an unlikeable American Republican type who likes to shoot guns, drink hard liquor and surf the turf. Marcia is his Australian nagging wife who hates the outdoors and is our fish out of water. The lovely couple are so incompatible it begs the question of how they ever got together (we never find out btw). They bicker, argue and curse at each other, you really don't care about any one of them. Usually in these "camping in the woods" horror flicks, only 1 or 2 of the characters would be intolerable dumb early killed victim fodder, but here we get both, and we're stuck with them throughout the entire flick.
But remember, this is a man vs nature theme and both husband and wife take part in "messing with nature". From killing ants, throwing plastic bags and beer bottles into the ocean, to smashing eagle's eggs, they are the environment's public enemy #1. The final straw is broken when Peter kills a sea cow with his rifle.
You just don't mess with sea cows.
Soon nature retaliates. You would hope that these scare scenes would be inventive and frightening. They all end up very yawn-ish and utterly ridiculous. Snakes, spiders and an eagle attack are just a few of the attacks nature unleashes. Really? The most WTF moment has gotta be a semi dead animal mysteriously making an appearance "scare" to our tourists. I was LOLing and slapped my forehead in disbelief. Wow. Could this movie get more unbelievable?
After a discovery of other would be campers making an attempt to rough it, we conclude with an ending that probably would have made a decent trailer. The final scene is completely wacky but at this point, you could have turned to the Sy Fy channel and seen something slightly better.
The only performance worth talking about in Nature's Grave has got to be Cricket...the dog! That dog rivals Lassie in being the most trained, most energetic and most useful canine I've ever seen. I know Jim Caviezel played Jesus, but Star as Cricket gives a tour de force performance that rivals any Taco Bell chiwawa.
Nature's Grave is like an anti Discovery Channel documentary. Humanity is definitely a virus towards the planet, but we've been trying to be better at it. Recycling, protecting endangered species and saving whales.
I guess it's fitting nature took it's revenge. By giving us this movie.
Gore-ipedia
A few deads bodies The final kill (I won't spoil it)
WTF moment That creepy animal creeping The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Nature's Grave is being released on DVD from Screen Media Films on August 4th. I sometimes got the feeling that this movie was being biased towards Americans. We're all not the anti nature a**h*** that the rest of the world makes us out to be. We're trying to save the whales for goodness sake.
So what did we learn from the movie?
Don't mess with sea cows. Just don't.
Rating:
Check out the trailer.
Also here's the trailer for the original movie. (It does look kinda cool doesn't it?)
If you haven't heard of the name Garth Ennis, it's a shame. Ennis is one of the most influential comic book writers today. From Hellblazer to the awesome Preacher comics, his resume is iconic.
But if you're looking for something different, a comic book with a ironic and sarcastic twist, The Boys is where it's at.
On Complex.com's list of the Top 40 Most Violent Comics Ever, Ennis The Boys is #21 while Preacher is #1. So what the hell is this about?
Published now by Dynamite Entertainment,the series is set in a contemporary world very much similar to real one, with one notable exception: a number of people have some form of superpower. The series follows a superpowered CIA squad, known informally as "The Boys", whose job it is to keep watch on superheroes and, if necessary, intimidate or kill them.
Trust me, it's good shit.
It makes fun of all the superhero stereotypes and does it harshly and more fucked up than you can imagine.
I'm going to try to do a Comics You're Not Reading post periodically so you can know what graphic novels Hollywood will probably turn into live action flicks.
I like the use of the word gratuitous nudity. I tend to use it a lot. It's usage is perfect when describing a scene. I realized what I haven't been covering is teen sex comedies where gratuitous and nudity go hand in hand. Todays teen comedies lack any such thing. It's got cursing a mile a minute, a few topless moments but nothing that can even compare to the teen comedies of the 80s.
I'm not talking about John Hughes films or the American Pie films either. I'm talking about those hidden gems in the 80s with the ridiculous plot lines and teen nerd revenge motifs.
You know the ones. Porkys, Private School, The Last American Virgin, Secret Admirer, Ski School, Just One of the Guys and of course Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Do you remember any others?
But one you may have forgotten is Screwballs. It's from Canada and is a total "Canucksploitation" masterpiece that rivals any of the best American teen sex comedies.
Starting a new tradition of sex comedy, T & A High School, five boys meet in the detention room thanks to the evil virgin princess Purity Busch. RICK - dressed as a doctor and gave breast exams to the high school new comers. BRENT - sexually teased Purity in French class. MELVIN - caught masterbating in the meat locker. HOWIE - rearranged the mirrors in order to see up the skirts of cheerleaders after practice. And TIM - tricked into entering the girls watchroom. Each one fooled by Purity. They want revenge. Each one makes a packed to deflower the virgin, but all have failed. Their only chance is to work together with others of the school to get her at the homecoming game.
Severin Films is now releasing this on DVD and Blu Ray (oh glorious HD) on August 25th. You can preorder it via Amazon.com.
Mark my words. When the Hollywood system is done remaking horror classics, they will turn their attention to remaking teen sex comedies. And Screwballs is going to probably be one of them.
Check out the trailer below (it's more like the intro of the movie)
Below are interviews co-writers Linda Shayne and Jim Wynorski and Director Rafal Zielinski.
Directed by Jonathan Lewis Written by Shawn Lewis/Mitch Mayes
He's a mothafuckin' Puppet!!!!
If you've been following the jaded viewer, you know I've been hyping the fuckin shit out this movie for a while now.
I posted the trailer back in August of last year and been giving updates on the on and off DVD release. So after much hoopla, hype and uber buzz, it was no question, I would watch the NYC theatrical premiere last Friday with a bunch of other fucked up New Yorkers in a semi packed theater.
And it's exactly the right setting to have seen it at. The special screening was at midnight, (of course!) and the crowd was a mixed bag of hardcore 'sploitation fans, movie genre fans and some manofest white and black brothas who just wanted to see some funny ass shit. There was some yelling, screaming and tons of laughs. The audience participation was as funny as the movie. One dude yelled out "How'd he get outside so fast?" questioning the logic of the flick. I turned to Insano Steve and said, "Wow I was thinking that too but whom am I to question logic in a flick about a fuckin possessed black devil doll killing Caucasian women?"
And we did see some funny ass shit. And barring a fuckin nuclear apocalypse, Black Devil Doll is going to end up as my #1 best movie of 2009. Boring Plot-O-Matic
(From the official site) A young, moist, buxom teen vixen finds herself hurled into an odyssey of forbidden sex and unspeakable violence after an innocent evening dabbling in the occult. What started as a simple child's game has now become a fight for her life! What is this evil that she has summoned from beyond? And why does it have a fro? What kind of horrific acts will she be subjected to? And what price will her super-hot, half-nude friends have to pay? But more importantly, how much Caucasian blood will have to be shed to stop....the BLACK DEVIL DOLL?!!"
Awesome Review-O-Matic
So if you haven't heard of this flick, you must have been in a cave in North Dakota. The trailer spread like fire on the interweb and was a masterpiece in itself. The big question for the movie was could it live up to the mega hype it was getting.
There is no fuckin doubt it does.
From a hilarious animated opening MPAA credit sequence to the closing credit "Oakland Fried Chicken" scene, the movie is filled with so much insanity, you might as well check into the Bellvue psych ward after viewing it.
But let's get into the breasts, thighs and legs of this flick first (pun so fuckin intended). We'll get to the voluptious vixens in a sec, let's first talk about the irrelevant plot. Our wise ass jiving motherfuckin hero is Mubia Abul-Jama, an ex Black Panther whose been sentenced to death for killing 15 Caucasian women. He gets reincarnated into a "ventrickelist" dummy, complete with awesome fro and black fist power t-shirt.
Heather, a E cup hottie soon falls for our hero and they are in relationship mode complete with ice cream at the park strolls, swings and slide fun, picnics and puppet-human grunt-a-thons. It's one of the most hilarious, very aware cliche mockeries I've ever seen. But it gets into much more than that.
Black Devil Doll takes the mild Team America puppet sex scene to a more extreme level, where reactions from our doll make Ole English 40 come out of your nose. Think of the most basic porn movie, all the multiple positions. Got it? Now think of that with a fuckin black devil doll puppet.
Heather's ex-boyfriend, White T also makes an appearance. A "Wigga" in the truest sense of the word. Jealous and bent on capping that midget fool, he comes into play in a major scene later on. But let's get to the good shit right?
Soon Heather has her friends over who arrive and take a car wash scene music video to a next level. Natasha, Candi, Buffy and Bambi are the sexiest of the ho's from the neighborhood and as dumb as bricks. Soon we get some "show me some boobies" and gratuitous Twister to show off their awesome "assets". The sexploitation oozes out for all of us to see, it all oozes out of our doll.
But the movie goes down a more hilarious fucked up road. Filled with fart and bowel movement jokes, sleazy racial derogatory comments and women taking showers and baths, it's also self aware. Whatever you were thinking, our black devil doll is also thinking and telling the audience. It's so clever in its intelligence to break the 4th wall it might have been overlooked on first viewing. This is partially a horror movie and so the kill scenes are as patently offensive as all the others. Our anti-hero soon dispatches of our hotties in cruel and unusual ways. Rejoice gorehounds! There is plenty of sliced throats, bashed heads and anal rape scenes for you to enjoy.
Yes I said it. Anal fuckin rape. A climactic kill scene has a man get anally raped and then tossed some menthols (what else would it be) Can that actually be topped? Oh fuck yeah. Later, we get more dummy doll-human boink-a-thons that no doubt have corrupted your already jaded cerebral. More multiple positions, more "salad tossing", more "golden showers". Yes horror kin, it goes for the fuckin trifecta of sleaze.
I am leaving so much out that it's best to see with your blaxploitation virginity intact. Never have a I seen a movie where shock scene after shock scene, I was falling off the chair. Having seen Bruno, you can get that feeling of uncomfortableness and nervous laughter. In Black Devil Doll, there was none of that. It's perfectly set up to have you shout "OHHHHH SHIT!!!" and "NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKIN TALKING ABOUT".
No doubt this movie was shot on a shoe string, but the quality of the movie is not a YouTube amateur wannabe filmmaker. Jonathan Lewis and company made solid quality high tech effects, from the splatterific gore to the "Negroscope" vision (and you don't need Real D 3D glasses for it). Working on so many levels, even the bad acting has to be considered part of the movie.
Black Devil Doll is the apex of all modern day blaxploitation movies, filled with sleazy humor, tons of nudity and splatter happy gore. Harking back to the old grimy and sticky Times Square grindhouse days, Black Devil Doll is a tour de force of debauchery, insanity and nudity.
(I love when critics use the overused term "tour de force")
Many movies claim to try to go and remake or reboot the grindhouse/exploitation glory days. We've seen the shit Hollywood comes out with to Cha Ching money to the bank. PG-13 exploitation might be good enough for tweens, but it's not the malt liquor we hardcore horror fans want.
When a movie like Bruno is the supposed most offensive of its time, out comes a movie from the indie underground like Black Devil Doll to say "FUCK YOU BITCH! I'm the motherfuckin pimp of pimps."
I couldn't say it better myself. Actually I did say it.
Gore-ipedia
Sliced throats Bashed Heads Golden Showers Shit (yup shit)
Nude-ipedia
Really? Do I need to actually write this list? There is so much nudity in BDD, if you blinked you might have missed some titties. WTF moment
THE ENTIRE FUCKIN FILM
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
You need to see this movie. That's it. It's a must fuckin see. If you call yourself a horror fan, it's the hidden secret everybody has been talking about.
The film has ended it's theatrical run but comes out on DVD on October 27th. Preorder is on Oct 2nd. Also being released is a tie in novel. You can go here for more information.
As the unrated trailer warns: "If the thought of a wayard white woman having sexual relations with a demonic jive ass black puppet offends you, DO NOT SEE Black Devil Doll..."
The rest of you, go see this bad ass, crazy muthafuckin movie.
Here is where it gets weird. After the review was published yesterday, a user by the name of "bisforbest" posted a comment. He defended the filmmakers for bring back the old grindhouse feel but questioned why I brought up the budget of this film (it was shot on a shoestring).
I love replying back to anybody responding to any of my reviews. I commented back just explaining in more detail what worked well and what didn't. I also said the budget would have helped in better talent, FX effects, etc. Well nothing weird about that so far.
But thanks to Evil Adam who is an editor at UGO.com, did some Encyclopedia Brown-ing (via some Google detective work) discovered that this user *gasp* may or may not be the director of this film, a one Mr. Duane Graves. You can check out the rest of the comments here.
Hmmmm. Well this is getting way too fuckin odd.
Would this director actually cloak himself and pretend to be a "fan of his own movie"? Really? This is some classic cloak and dagger shit which I think is truly unneccesary.
Well you might be asking for some proof? Well Evil Adam discovered that a particular e-mail address is being used by this poster and this e-mail addy can be found all over the web for posts in response to the works of Meeks and Graves (the co-directors of the film).
Coincidence? Hmmm. You decide.
Let me just say that I didn't hate the film (though I gave it a C grade). It's really a great homage to the old flicks of old grindhouse horror docu-style Bigfoot like movies. But due to the acting (locals were used), subpar gore/splatter effects and too many scenes of moonshine drinking, it turned out a little cheesy.
My review echoed the tone of many others from Fangoria, Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central for sure.
If the director is masquerading as a "fan of the Wild Man of the Navidad", that's some sly internet hype scheme he's working. But seriously, no need to do that. The movie has gotten good to great press from the horrorsphere. Just comment on the reviews and thank them for the coverage and press.
-I've been doing some IMDB and Facebook investigating. More to come.
-And if somehow I'm 100% wrong about this. I apologize. Evil Adam though, he's not going to apologize. He'd wait until 2012 and the apocalypse before he would say he was wrong. So tough luck.
But after seeing the trailer for The Hills Run Red, we may get another course in this subgenre of horror. There has been a reemergence in vintage, slasher flicks with Laid to Rest being the best of the bunch. But this flick follows the tried and true formula of hiking teenagers, gratuitous nudity, an unkillable masked slasher and tons of gore and splatter. The buzz and hype for The Hills Run Red has been maxed out with appearances by Dave Parker and Sophie Monk (who goes full frontal in THRR) at SDCC.
The hype has been shockingly positive.
Here be the plot:
The story centers on a film fanatic whose obsession with finding a complete print of an infamous slasher movie leads him and two friends into the backwoods where the film was shot. They realize too late that filming never ended -- and now they must survive a nightmarish onslaught or become part of the movie forever.
The movie comes out on DVD September 29th via Warner Premiere.
That's a first. Don't worry, my dealer sent me a new flick to review and it should be up before the week is up. In any case, after reading this post from Freddy in Space I too got inspired to chime in on the awesomeness of being part of the horror blogging community.
Taking a cue from BJ-C from Day of the Womanwho lists 7 things on why the horror blogging community is the coolest I figured I'd go on a different tangent. I'm going to list the things I think we have in common. These may be dead on or waaay off. But here it goes. I'm doing my best George Carlin "little things we all have in common, universal moments we share..." impersonation.
-We visit Bloody Disgusting, Fangoria and Dread Central every day -We have Blogger all tabbed up and ready to go -We have comments e-mailed to us and reply within 15 minutes -We check our traffic every 2 days -We skim the RSS feeds of other horror blogs and click on only our faves -We IMDB a movie of a trailer we've just seen, then click on Trivia (if any), check out the user comments and/or click on external reviews -We constantly add our reviews to external reviews on IMDB -We check on Google Followers we have -We check on how many Twitter followers we have -We read each and every comment posted on our site even if its a comment on a post we did like 3 years ago -We write our best posts way late at night -We are easily encouraged when somebody likes our review and want to eviscerate Voorhees style anybody who disagrees with our reviews -We write reviews with at least 2 quotable lines so just in case, a distributor may use it on the back of a DVD box -We use horror slang in our everyday conversations like we're vocally blogging -We've all been visited by a user from a country we cannot pronounce -We are shocked when Hollywood actually comes out with a good hard R horror film -We all moan when Platinum Dunes decides to rape our collective horror childhood and remakes yet another horror classic -We all know who Adam Green is -We have all written a retro review (which all came from some late night viewing of something in our DVD collection) -We have all attended one of the following (or all of em), Fangoria Weekend of Horrors, Chiller Theater, Fantastic Fest, NY or SD Comic Con, Cinema Wastleand, Horrorhound, Fantasia, Rue Morgue's Festival of Fear, etc. -We have all got e-mails from filmmakers, directors and writers hoping to give some press to their flicks -We all have a bootleg version of Night of the Living Dead -We have all read Max Brook's World War Z -We have at least 3 t-shirts of our favorite horror movies -We get excited when we get a screener in the mail -We have seen one of the After Dark Horrorfest movies and regretted it -We think some of the monsters or animal/insect movies gone wild on the Sci Fi channel are funny good but will never admit it -We have all met Kane Hodder -We have all met Tom Savini -We have all met George A. Romero -We all went to see at least 1 3D horror movie and kept the Real D glasses -We are constantly looking for classic horror or exploitation trailers on YouTube -We all secretly love Judd Apatow films -We all comment on each others blogs because we genuinely have something to say -We all hope the next leap, will be the leap home
One day, I hope too meet other horror bloggers (any horror bloggers from NYC or the tri state area?) It would be awesome to talk about horror and whatnot. Be sure to check out all the horror blogs from all the links to the right. All these blogs are probably way better than mine, but not one of them covers Van Damme like I do. :-P
I'll finally conclude with this. They're listening.
The directors, fimmakers, distributors, studios and even some mainstreaminess media listen to what's going on in our corner of the web. I've gotten e-mails from directors, writers and studios who thank me and the horrorsphere for giving their indie horror flick some press or reviewing their indie movie via a screener. It's exhilarating to hear that praise and gratitude from the industry you cover and write about.
The horrorsphere is not dead.
It's growing and it's a shacky cam flick away from being remade.
Arnold is rumored to be in The Expendables. Hopefully he'll be joining the action star packed cast so we can see him kick ass in a brief cameo. But in the meantime, after my 20th viewing of watching Commando on AMC I figured this list was due. Yeah we can rank Ar-nuhld movies forever, but lets rank Arnold villains. Because their quotes are as good as Arnolds, right? So here are the top 10 villains from the Schwarzenegger movie filmography.
Top 10 Villains from Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies
10.) Cullen Crisp, Sr.
From: Kindergarten Cop
Dude, he tried to kidnap a little kid and kill some ferrets. Now that's just fuckin evil.
Plus he tried to burn down a school and he's all Sopranos-ed up.
Thanks to Detective Kimble, he didn't succeed.
9.) All the soldiers in the Val Verde Army
From: Commando
According to IMDB Trivia, Matrix kills only 81 people in Commando. Well most of them were soldiers loyal to El Presidente, Arias who were part of the very inept army of Val Verde.
All the soldiers never stood a chance again the one man Army of John Matrix, because if you get in the way of Matrix and his daughter Jenny, you're a dead man.
8.) Salim Abu Aziz
From: True Lies
Salim Abu Aziz was the leader of the terrorist group Crimson Jihad. Working in cahoots with the hottie Juno Skinner to smuggle a nuclear bomb into the US, he had a lot of of henchman at his disposal but all proved to be useless. He even kidnapped Harry Tasker's daughter (and you know what happens when you get between Arnold and his fictional daughter, see above). Give him credit though, he actually got away from Tasker in an awesome motorcycle vs horse scene.
7.) Killian
From:The Running Man
What's more evil than a dictator or terrorist? A reality game show producer killing convicts for sport.
Killian is the host of "The Running Man", where stalkers snuff out cons for the American masses. But when he puts Ben Richards on the show, Richards easily disposes of stalkers Dynamo, Sub Zero and Buzzsaw.
Killian's game show manipulated the truth and kept the audiences in the dark. A reality show thats actually scripted? Get the fuck out of here!
6.) TX aka Terminatrix
From: Terminator 3
She's hot, she's a Terminator that kills other Terminators and she's hot.
The TX actually gives our Model 101 a run for his money in this one. Coldblooded, meticulous and an arsernal full of Cyberdyne weaponry, the TX makes red leather look damn good.
5.) Thulsa Doom
From: Conan the Barbarian
Thulsa Doom, leader of the evil Snake Cult kills Conan's parents and force him to life as a slave.
Hows that for being evil?
Let's throw in virgin sacrifices, slavery and pillaging.
Conan goes all revenge is a dish served cold and proceeds to behead Mr. Doom. This is what happens when you worship snakes.
Large, giant humongous snakes.
4.) Richter
From: Totall Recall
"See you at the party Richter!"
Yeah Cohaagen was the mastermind, but it's Richter that does all the dirty work. He's the one who killed the girl with 3 tits (what a waste) and was banging Sharon Stone.
He killed a lot of innocent people, but thanks to Quaid he loses both arms and falls to death in a very happy, gruesome fashion.
3.) Bennett
From: Commando
Let's go thru his evil resume. Kidnaps Jenny Matrix, kills Matrix's unit, helps an evil dictator and is Australian.
He's like a live action Zartan!
Poor Bennett, if only he let out some steam, he wouldn't be this tense. Thank goodness, Matrix makes that happen.
2.) The Predator
From: Predator
The best Arnold villains are the one's that hold their own against him. The Predator does just that. He's just as cunning, strong and just as badass as Dutch.
Even when the camoflauge tech goes on the fritz, he stands mano y mano with Dutch.
And even with his last breath, the Predator still tried to get the last laugh by blowing up most of a Southern American country.
1.) T-1000
From: Terminator 2
Well of course the T-1000 is #1. Why wouldn't this Terminator that's mimetic metal alloy and can shapeshift be the best villain in all of Arnold's flicks.
C'mon, you weren't even sure if the T-1000 could be beat when you saw T2 for the first time.
The T-1000 was so bad ass, terminated countless innocent civies and caused so much destruction, at some points I was cheering for it.
When it walked thru steel bars, got shot a zillion times and ran faster than Usain Bolt, I was like WTF!
The T-1000 is the pinnacle of all Arnold villains. Nuff said.
Did I miss one? Do you have a favorite Arnold villain? Chime in and comment below.
If your a loyal follower of the jaded viewer, you know we are devoted Jean Claude Van Damme fans. So we HAVE to give you obligatory JCVD news feeds.
Thanks to Insano Steve for sending over a link and plot summary to JCVD's new movie, Karate. This flick for a while was entitled "The Pit Bull". First, lets discuss the poster. He's shirtless, behind a gate and it's got the tagline: "Can the master of the ancient arts conquer the caged fighters of Las Vegas?"
Looks like Van Damme wants to kick the shit out of some MMA fighters. It's the Kumite meets the the UFC. A lot of people are saying it's very Kickboxer-ish, which would be a good thing as it shows JCVD is getting back to his roots.
After JCVD, I didn't know what we'd get from the Muscles from Brussels. Thank the Kokoruki clan, he's going back to where it all started.
Here be the plot from the official site. It will come out sometime in 2010.
A legendary karate world champion (Van Damme), known as The Piston because of the speed of his legs, is famous and wealthy and has the martial arts world as his feet. But his ego takes control and his world begins to crumble around him. He loses his family and his life goes into a downward spiral. Before long, this one time champion is living like a bum on the streets of Los Angeles.
Then, the Piston meets KK, an internet fight promoter. KK has a dream... to find a fighter good enough to win the prestigious freestyle mega fighting championship in Las Vegas. The Piston returns to his karate roots in Japan to find the fighting edge he needs to become a champion again. He comes back to Las Vegas for his make it or break it fight, for the fight of his life in the cage against the undefeated young champion from New York The Bulldozer.
This classic, gritty, riches-to-rags-to-riches story has a heartfelt, nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat finale. It is one of the greatest fight movies of all time, appealing to a wide-ranging, new-generation audience and especially to the millions of karate and martial arts fans around the world who are hungry for a new martial arts epic in the tradition of Bloodsport
JCVD's next movie of course is Universal Soldier 3: The Next Generation. US3 reunites JCVD and Dolph Lundgren. Here be the plot....(thanks to Shockya.com)
A crazed Chechen nationalist, BASAYEV, seizes control of Chernobyl, site of the infamous nuclear meltdown, and threatens to unleash a radioactive cloud unless his nationalist blackmail demands are met.
LUC DEVERsEAUX (Jean-Claude Van Damme) joins a U.S. team of revived UniSoldiers secretly held in deep storage. Their mission: retake Chernobyl and disable explosives that will unleash the radioactive clouds. Luc is surprised when he finds one of the reactivated UniSoldiers is a clone of his old Sergeant, ANDREW SCOTT (Dolph Lundgren). But the cloned Andrew has no recollection of Luc.
As the team furiously battles its way into the Chernobyl plant, they are caught off guard. Using a mind-control chip, Baseyev turns Andrew against his own comrades. Now surrounded, wounded, and out-numbered, Luc must battle Andrew, and save the world.
Are you getting psyched? Super psyched? Mega psyched?
With The Eagle Path soon to be released, JCVD now out on DVD is 2009 the year of the Van Damme?
I recently received e-mails from Scott Sanders, director of Black Dynamite and Shawn Lewis, writer of Black Devil Doll which gave me a happy. It's awesome when both dudes give you props for supporting and giving interweb buzz for their films.
First let's start with Black Dynamite, which screened at the Tribeca Film Festival (which I missed catching it at).
The official release date is October 16, 2009.
Also, the black forces of power Sanders and star Michael Jai White will be at this year's San Diego Comic Con.
The panels they'll be at are below.
The Black Panel
Saturday, July 25
10:00 AM / 5AB
Featuring Ludacris, Kel Mitchell, Prodigal Sunn, Reggie Hudlin, Denys Cowan and BD Team Member Michael Jai White
The Black DYNAMITE Panel
Saturday, July 25
6:30 PM
Hosted by Elvis Mitchell
Featuring Scott Sanders, Michael Jai White, Salli Richardson-Whitfield, Byron Minns, and Cedric Yarbrough
Never before seen clips and more viral videos are a coming like this one where Black Dynamite and Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor agree on numchucks.
Now on to Black Devil Doll which will have it's last theatrical screening in NYC. I'm definitely going to be at that one so say what's what and give the jaded viewer a shoutout mofo!
Shawn Lewis dropped some motherfuckin one sheets of the film and get this...the movie's got a MOTHERFUCKIN TIE IN NOVEL!
You heard me straight you jive ass fool. A sequel novel!
Check out the images below and click on them for a more detailed look.
What do all these people have in common? Well there going to be in Topel Lee's new movie Wapakman of course. What were you expecting? A Pussycat Dolls, WWE boxing match?
What is this movie about? Who the hell knows. But here is what we know.
Wapakman is the story of a superhero, played by pound for pound king Manny Pacquiao. Fil-Am WWE wrestler Batista plays the villain while Pussycats Dolls hottie Nicole Scherzinger (she's half Pinay) is his love interest.
This looks crazy, funny awesome. Filipino action movies are usually cheesy but Manny has said this is like a Filipino "Kung Fu Hustle".
The movie will premiere at the Metro Manila Film Festival in December. Check out the teaser below.
Holy fuckin cow. I just wet myself. After the "ehh oh wow" that was Ong Bak 2, Tony Jaa is sooo yesterday. Just let me watch JeeJa Yanin kick ass again makes the jaded viewer a happy boy.
So what will we get to see in her new movie following her debut after Chocolate?
An romantic action-omedy!
Mega intense training montage!!
You Got Served meets Ong Bak!!!
Chinese Drunken Fist vs Drunken Muay Thai!!!!
Choreographed Doubles tag team fight movies!!!!!
Starring.....
The mega hot Jeeja Yanin Kazoo, TRICKZ martial arts champion from France!? Roontawan, The Asia Pacific Woman Bodybuilding Champion?!? Thai B-Boys!?!?
What more do you want? (Oh, duh. Of course the trailer which you can see below)
Plot seems to revolve around a gang kidnapping rich girls in Thailand so they can harvest their organs or some other. But plots in muay thai action is like dialogue in porn, it's totally irrelevant.
One day, I'd like to see a quote from one of my reviews on the back of a DVD box. I just think that would be mega cool.
I've come close. Toby Wilkins, the director of Splinter posted a review blurb on his tumblr blog.
And a few others have been putting links to my reviews on their sites. I've compiled a few of them below. Click on the image to go to the jaded viewer blurb.So yeah, this is just a me touting a few press internet clippings from the filmmakers and official sites.
One day, a jaded viewer quote will be on the front or back of a DVD box. And when that day comes, I'll end the site. :-P
OK don't all hate me at once. But I'll admit, I thought Postal wasn't half bad. I know it's the "cool" thing to hate on the Uwe Boll. And indeed, all his movies based on video games sucked like a newborn on her mommy's boobies. But before I bash the German goremeister, I have made it a point to actually see the flick before I trash it.
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