Wednesday, April 06, 2011

The WTF List: Black Swan (Review)

Did I really just watch a movie about ballet?

Let's pretend you didn't hear that. Well I figured I'd check this one out as its supposed horror elements that echo an Argento flair were ever evident. Sure I'm a fan of Darren Aronofsky like all the other art cinephiles out there. I mean he made movies about wrestling and orgy drug use.

I'm guessing the movie was good but that's for those serious critics to dissect. Let em talk about performances and plot and technique until they turn blue in the face. You're not getting anything serious from me. Black Swan gets a WTF list because there is no way I could actually give it a real review. We all need to get our swan on.

On to the list!

1.) I hope I see somebody get served in this.
2.) I've seen more exposed ribs in Black Swan than a Texas BBQ.
3.) Man, this is so gay. (not that there is anything wrong with that)
4.) Vincent Cassel has kissed, groped, fondled and had simulated sex with the hottest actresses on like multiple continents.
5.) Natalie is working her thing like she's plugging a hole on the SS Minnow.
5a.) What's up with the weird pervert on the train? That guy deserves an Oscar.
6.) I am now officially going to post pictures of Mila Kunis randomly on the jaded viewer.
7.) Mila and Natalie just made every dude's brains explode (among other things) in that carpet munching scene.
8.) I knew it! All ballerinas are all lesbians.
9.) All this ballet is reminding me of the Flintstones episode where Fred uses ballet to bowl.
10.) Secretly, we all love Mila over Natalie. Mila is like the super geek girl who's a hottie. Natalie is like the hottie who acts as a super geek girl.

11.) Somehow I think Black Swan will make hipsters visit Lincoln Center.
12.) Lots of turf toe injuries I'm thinking.
13.) Sex, violence, lots of this August Underground?!?
14.) This is like when Hogan went from the yellow and red to the black and white.
15.) Winona Ryder need a hug.
16.) I mean at times this movie got boring...I could only imagine what real ballet is like.
17.) Mila's been busted open!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!
18.) The sequel is gonna be called Black Swan 2: Lily's Revenge.
19.) Oh man, not even one boob in this?
20.) Why does every Aronofsky movie seem to end with somebody jumping off something?

So what's the prognosis? I guess this was know goody two shoes goes from all virtuous to vicious douchebag killer metamorphosis and thinks somebody is going to take her spot. Seems like a wrestling plot device to me (and according to Aronofsky it could have been, see IMDB trivia)

I'm giving it 2 and half out 4 spinkicks. Because of the scene below. Let's watch it again OK?

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