Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The 5 Types of Moviegoers who Watch Horror Movies

After going to watch a movie theater this past weekend, I wanted to talk about what's it like to go see a movie. Be it if you're in a small town or big city, I believe we all have at one point gone though the same experience. These are just things that happen to all of us, and it just fucks shit up.

First, I'll start off with a list of people who annoy the fuck out of me when I got to a movie in a theater. These are the people who need to be boiled with oil.

1.) The dude who doesn't know how to use the automated ticket vendy machine
2.) The people who talk about the movie they've just seen as they come out of the theater somehow ruining it for the people on line for the same movie
3.) The dude who orders the fuckin big ass tub of lard popcorn
4.) The schmucks who look aimlessly for a seat for 4, 5 minutes before the movie starts in the packed auditorium of a movie that premieres that night
5.) The girl who starts a phone conversation during the first 10 minutes
6.) The guy who Twitters during the movie
7.) The "I'm saving this entire row of seats" with my backpack guy
8.) The people who sit in the middle row and get up every 20 minutes
9.) The guy who sits next to you, interrupts your conversation and spills his fuckin movie trivia knowledge
10.) The "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" people

There are so many more, I may need to make a separate list. In any case, the meat and potatoes of this post is the 5 types of moviegoers who see horror movies. Well, I started noticing what the typical horror audience is made up of. The list below are all the types you'll encounter when you see your next horror movie (be on the lookout for these people when you see the 3D megapocalypse The Final Destination).

So without further be the list

5.) The Joe and Joanna

Who are they? These are your typical, regular Joe and Joanna Schmo moviegoer. Probably on their standard issue Friday night date, they have no idea what movie they are going to see when they arrive at the theater. These are the people on line waiting for popcorn and are constantly looking around for people they know. They will probably eat at TGIF or Chilis after the movie and 5 minutes after watching the movie will not remember how it ended.

4.) The Tweens

Who are they? Yes, the tweens. This is the main target group for Hollywood and why the PG-13 horror movie exists. Generation Y, as they are also known as, pretty much decide what's a successful horror movie and what will go straight to DVD in a few weeks. The reason why they have so much power? Because they can Facebook and Twitter their positive or negative reaction in a nano-second. They come in droves, possibly 3-6 tweeny girls and usually 2-4 tweeny boys using their weekly allowance to shift the box office as they please. You can notice them as they usually arrive 3 hours before their movie starts (they usually hang out by the arcade machines). The boys love awesome kills and gratuitous nudity, the girls thought they were seeing Twilight with gore.

3.) The Jabronis

Who are they? The jabronis are the largest group of movie goers. They will see utter shit and like it. These are the people who are the mindless zombies (see above), sneak into every comedy, action movie and they avoid drama's and intellectual films like they have SARS. They usually sit in the back back back row of the theater, speak and laugh loudly and have to be "Shhhhh"-ed.
They are solely responsible for the box office numbers being completely out of control. Not internet saavy at all, they are coerced into seeing movies only through the posters on buses and subways and because of those 30 secon spots on MTV and BET. Some are partially illiterate.

2.) The Geeks

Who are they? Internet fandom at its finest. They've watched all the trailers, know who the directors, writers and CGI people are and are dedicated to their studios ("I love Rogue!). They've seen every Romero movie and find nothing wrong with Diary of the Dead. The geeks are solely responsible for making Cloverfield a hit. They come to the theater 30 minutes before the movie starts and wait patiently on line. They are so hyped, they pop a few Ritalins to calm the fuck down. They steal the Real D glasses hoping to use it for their next 3D extravaganza. They've plastered posters and have extensive DVD collections. These are the people who comment on every major horror site (including mine..thanks!)

1.) The Core

Who are they? Well the core is short for the "hardcore" fans. Simply said, they are like me. People so dedicated to horror, they run their own horror blogs. These people know their shit, inside and out. They comment all over the horror-sphere and make fun of people who don't follow horror. They are the purists, the "why are they fuckin raping my horror childhood"? peeps. These are the people who arrive an hour before the movie starts, checking out Bloody Disgusting while waiting on line. They've attended all the major horror conventions, some have made fan trailers and have done extensive homework on the horror movie they are about to watch. These are the movie fans who can know who the killer is 10 minutes in, point out obscure references and laugh at the "inside jokes" the director decided to make. They secretly control what may be remade because Hollywood sees what movies we've created cult followings for and exploits the shit out of it. The core-ists have attended Comic Con and have subscriptions to Fangoria. The core knows all about the obscure, indie horror movies and tries to convince the geeks to watch them. People come to the core for information and really do want to know what they think. We're the core. Nuff said.

So next time you're at the theater watching a horror movie, try to see who is in which group and report back what you see. Am I dead on with these types? I am completely way off? Let me know.

Trust me, you'll be shocked by how much I'm right.


  1. I think I'm a mix of "Geek" and "Jabroni", depending on the film I might venture into: 9.) The guy who sits next to you, interrupts your conversation and spills his fuckin movie trivia knowledge. Yup, I'm a nerd.

  2. I'm the Core. Will go see any horror film at the movies just because it's a horror film (And no, I'm not considering Twilight horror). Great list though. It's definitely accurate!

    The tweens and jabronis made me laugh.

  3. I tried to find one item in the Core description that didnt accurately describe me, but it seems I have a stalker that is watching my every move lol.. Great list man, all too true!

  4. Yeah it's hard to admit were core-ists but at least we're not jabronis!

    My big question is which flick will the core people go? Halloween 2 or FD4?

    I can see the tweens and jabronis pack FD4 because of the 3D. The tweens love 3D.

  5. Carl, the core-ists will see both, as long as they have the money. That's what I did!

  6. I don't know man, I got a little geek a little core even a little Joe. And I blog lol. And use lol in blog comments. :D And emoticons!