Monday, December 29, 2008

Gutterballs (Review)


Gutterballs (2008)

Directed by Ryan Nicholson

After watching Return to Sleepaway Camp, I decided to continue the trend of 80s slasher remakes and watched Gutterballs. Straight out the Canadian horror school of horror, it's like watching a hot, voluptuous big breasted blonde scratch a blackboard with Kreuger gloves while being decapitated.

Translation: We got awesome nudity/sex, tons of gore and splatter but really annoying, obnoxious characters who spew out vulgarities a mile a minute.

So when 2 out of 3 things work in your flick, you'll have to take the good with the bad. And so Gutterballs transcends into fun run horror, a great flick that thowsback to the 80s, literally.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A brutally sadistic rape leads to a series of bizarre gory murders during a midnight disco bowl-a-rama at a popular bowling alley. One by one, players of two teams meet blood-drenched gruesome deaths at the hand of a black bowling-gloved masked killer. This alley runs red with blood by sunrise.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

After a 8 minute intro setting up our 80s stereotypical characters (the jerkoff asshole and his buddies, the punk rock princess and her semi-hot friends with a tranny! and the brotha and his Duckie wearing art school stoners) we get our 80s music at full blast opening credit sequence.

Set in the vague 80s we have a throwdown between our assholes and our arty farty troupe.

Let's get the annoying shit out of the way. I wanted every character to fuckin die. Even the so called "good" guys. They were all assholes. If this is by design, I do not know. I'm pretty sure starting your movie so the audience would hate everybody couldn't be intentional.

But various scenes are cringe worthy and the kill scenes are gloriously ridiculous. A 10 minute rape scene was wickedly weird. It made the Irreversible rape scene seem Disney-ish. Our sadistic jocks pinned the princess and used a bowling pin as a medieval torture device. Totally WTF.

This is in additon to full out hardcore nudity and sex. Clean beavers, full frontal woodsman shots and all the breasts you can see. Wow. I was kinda shocked at first because my 80s horror sure didn't have my teen-core eyes witness that shit.

So this leads to the bowl-off and leads to a jump with glee kills. You'd think a bowling alley would lack any creativeness for some slaughter.

Well my bowling bud, you'd be wrong. The first rule of 80s slasher horror is if you sex it up, you die. And our gutterballs slasher is happy to oblige.

Our killer, in a get up made of a bowling shirt and a backwards bowling bag as a mask made me LOL everytime. Mr. BBK is a ridiculous masked killer, with his bowling weapons arsenal and I couldn't help but root for the slasher. I also couldn't careless whodunits as long as these dip shit asshole twats got butchered.

The various kill scenes seem to get odder, bloodier and grosser as we went along. We get a suffocation by muff and johnson, a bowling pin down the throat and man-gina evisceration. We also get some bowling pin stake ocular trauma, a bowling shoes strangulation and an armored statue head bashing. What else?

We also get a bowling ball wax face ripping and the best of em all, a bowling pin stake up the ass.
A few more throat slashings and shotgun blasts and it's all good.

Gutterballs gore was splatterly fun and over the top and reached ludicrous speed by the twisty-ish ending.

Gutterballs is an entertaining rabid dog, one that keeps biting and biting without a leash in sight. If it wasn't for the F bombs and C bombs uttered every 5 secs, maybe I'd actually know what the characters names were. But when all the assholes die, yay for us.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

The recap again...

Suffocation by muff and johnson
A bowling pin down the throat and man-gina evisceration
Bowling pin stake ocular trauma
A bowling shoes strangulation
An armored statue head bashing
A bowling ball wax face ripping
A bowling pin stake up the ass
Throat slashings
Shotgun blast to the head

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

A clean shaved beaver peek
Princess boobies galore
Skanky boobies
Pudgy boobies
Johnson and johnson and more johnsons (ugh)

WTF moment

The Man-gina surgery....totally sick

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I gotta admit. This is one of the 10 best horror movies of 2008. And hence its getting 3 spinkicks. Not every horror movie will have you rooting for a final girl but rooting for everybody to die is still a happy joy joy. Nicholson directed Live Feed (which I ignored because it look like a Saw ripofff) and I remember watching the trailer and thinking Gutterballs is utterly creative and an homage to all 80s slasher.

The vicims reveals (where we see all the victims displayed in their bloody deathy carnage) is a lost art horror form. We need more of that. It's those little things that make Gutterballs a massacre work of art.

So be warned, we've got porn and horror mixed in here. But gorehounds, rejoice! It's a combination that super sizes that happy meal.


Check out the trailer below.

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  1. This one's in my Netflix Queue - comes out at the end of January, I believe. . .

    After reading your review, I am looking forward to it :-)