Trick 'R Treat (Review)

Trick 'R Treat

Trick 'R Treat (2009)

Directed by Michael Dougherty

After many visits to Best Buy, I finally got a copy of Trick 'R Treat. Jeezus, I forgot how much the horror-sphere hyping and blogging can affect my own chances of watching a film I'm hyping.

But I finally watched it on a lazy weekend afternoon with my cousin and we both dug one of the best horror films of 2009.

Yes folks, It's another glowing review of TRT. What can I say? I dug the twists and turns, the star packed cameos (it's Ballard from Dollhouse!) and good ole Sammy, a horror icon in the making.

I'm not going to rehash how Warner Bros butchered the release of this awesome flick, you can definitely find out from other horror sites. But it's just another example of how the big studios have no idea what the hell they are doing.

It doesn't disappoint horror minions. If your willing to sit in and eat all that candy you should have been giving out on October 31st, watch Trick 'R Treat and you'll feel all Halloweeny inside.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Four interwoven stories that occur on Halloween: An everyday high school principal has a secret life as a serial killer; a college virgin might have just met the one guy for her; a group of teenagers pull a mean prank; a woman who loathes the night has to contend with her holiday-obsessed husband.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I slowly realized short reviews are better than long reviews as we all have one form of ADD or another. So I'm trying something new whereas I try to get my thoughts down in a few hundred words or less.

Let's break this down via the 4 stories that go all intertwining in TRT.

The Principal

Steven Wilkins story goes all zippity doo daa then WTF you are taken one road, we go down the more fucked up one. It's full of all those Threes Company costume and scenario mishaps that make it quite fun to watch. All the horrible Halloween urban legends are in full effect and there's never a dull moment when we follow Mr. Wilkins as he connects with the others.

School Bus Massacre

It's my favorite of the 4 stories because I was the one that tried to scare my younger tweeny cousins back in the day. The foreshadowing is rather obvious but the payoff is still awesome. Each of the kids does a brilliant job of making their stereotypical archetypes obvious in such a short amount of time. Which one are you? Macy (the angel)?, Sara (the witch)? Schrader? Chip (the pirate)? It's all fun because we've all tried to be the scarer and not the scaree. And doesn't all small or suburban towns have local legends we can use on the most scariest night of them all?

Little Red Riding Hood

Laurie (Anna Paquin) is trying to lose her "virginity" with the help of her sister and her friends. This is like our teenager terror focus and it works perfectly. Alas, you may see the twizzler twist coming, but who it happens too is still rather WTF. To top it all off, to see the awesome "transformation" is a sword of Omens moment. Sight beyond sight. Yay. It's a total 360 on the Little Red Riding Hood story indeed.

Sam

The opening of the movie shakes and stirs all the 4 stories into one. But it's Sam, our new horror icon that makes it uber cool. (Be on the lookout for lots of Sam costumes this Halloween). The final story blends the local urban legend with a fight pitting Kreeg vs Sam. The unmasking of Sam (he's on the cover of the DVD box!?? Why?!?!) makes you feel jipped but it's full of crazy wickedness.

The ending puts all the pieces of the puzzle together and as you throw away the candy corn and search for a 100 Grand, it's taste so good. So very yummy.

Trick 'R Treat is the best Halloween movie since Halloween. For an anthology collection, it ranks right up there with Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt. You wonder why nobody makes movies like these anymore. I'm going all Nostradamus here but I think TRT will spawn more anthology horror movies and either that's a good thing or a poisoned candy apple.

So enjoy this blood soaked goodness this Halloween and keep humming the revised Trick or treat jingle...

Trick or Treat
Smell my feet
Give me something good to eat

If you don't
I don't care
Sam will kill you in your underwear

Gore-ipedia

Slice and dice
Gobble Gobble
Severed Head
Kid-a-cide
Ocular trauma
Chocolatus Vomitous Gratuitous

Nude-ipedia

No Anna Paquin boobies but some post meal bonfire boobies

WTF moment

The transformation
Mr. Wilkins kid
Sam's unmasking

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Trick 'R Treat is one of the best horror movies of 2009. What more needs to be said? With Halloween only a week away, you'll never find a better movie to get your fright on. It does live up to the hype and you'll be asking why is this only 80 minutes long. So load up your candy sacks, dress up as scaredy cats and dig the best Halloween movie in the last 10 years.

Just make sure you check your candy for razor blades. Oh that Sam.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

jaded viewer related linkage:
The Paranormal Activity Effect
NYC Haunted House: Nightmares: Vampires (Review)
Paranormal Activity (Review)

Tags:
trick 'r treat, trick 'r treat review , trick 'r treat trailer , top horror movie 2009, halloween, horror blog

Categories: halloween, top horror movies of 2009, trick r treat, trick r treat review

What's the kryptonite for horror bloggers?

I was thrilled to be asked by HorrorBlips.com to be part of their ongoing horror topic of the week. In this weeks edition, I was part of the question posed by Robyn, Editor of HorrorBlips.com:

What’s the one movie theme or freaky character that never fails to scare you every time?

Check out what your favorite horror bloggers had to say below (including myself!)

Horror Bloggers Reveal Their Weaknesses

While it might seem that true horror fans are unscareable, they all have their soft spot. Even Superman has Kryptonite right? For me, movies that feature ventriloquist dummies are off my tolerable scale. Something about the eyes, and the fact that they seem like they’re alive, when they aren’t, and then they do come to life…it gives me the creeps.

We wanted to know what horror bloggers claimed as their own personal Achilles heel. What makes them squirm or scream every time? Check out their answers below, you might be surprised to find out what it takes to freaks out the un-freakable.

Mike Snoonian, All Things Horror: If there’s a sure-fire type of fright flick that keeps me up into the wee hours of the night, it’s anything dealing with tightly claustrophobic settings and premature burial. There’s something about viewing someone trapped in a confined space, barely able to move or breath that gets my heart racing and nerves twitchy. When watching a scene of this type, I put myself in the character’s place, pinned in a pine box or hole in the ground, the air growing staler and thinner until it finally runs out, leaving me gasping for my last breath alone in pitch blackness. That’s why “The Descent” remains one of the scariest theater experiences of my life. Even if the cave dwellers had never been introduced, the story of the women trapped and lost in pitch-blackness with the constant threat of the walls collapsing around them was more than enough to leave me sweating in my seat.

B-J C, Day of the Woman: For some reason, I’ve always been really uneasy with dead children. My mother has run a daycare out of our home for years, so whenever Michael Myers chased down Jamie Lloyd, or when little Gage dies in “Pet Sematary,” it always really really bothered me. As far as something that I see constantly, I’m really bad with eye injuries. Eye gouging, stabbing, bleeding, anything of the sort always makes me squirm. The scene in “Opera” is pure torture for me as well as the “Zombi 2” infamous wood to the eye scene.

Stacie Ponder, Final Girl:I’m a total sucker for possession movies. It doesn't matter if it’s a low-budget 10th generation Exorcist rip-off, I’m gonna be creeped out. It’s not the religious angle that gets to me—I’m not a particularly religious person— it’s more of an aesthetic thing. Weird eyes, crusty skin, oozing liquids, barfed-up pea soup, and a deep demonic voice are all it takes for me to freak. I guess it’s just a visceral reaction, because the people who get possessed in these movies don’t ever do much except lay around in bed all day, stinkin’ up the joint and cussin’ up a storm. No matter! Even the lowest movies on the possession totem pole work for me.

Johnny, Freddy In Space: My one Achilles heel when it comes to horror is without question Zelda from “Pet Sematary.” Movies don't scare me too often and it’s even rarer that characters themselves scare me, but Zelda always has and always will put the fear in me. Lock me in a room with Freddy Krueger, a zombie, a ghost, or the devil himself—I’ll calmly assess the situation and find a way out alive. Lock me in a room with Zelda and I will die of fright before she can ever even lay a finger on me!

BC, Horror Movie A Day: Fish and other, smaller water creatures. Sharks are OK, but you put a snapper turtle or a piranha in a movie, you can guarantee that I'm going to get unsettled. Even if they aren't the “villains” of the film, if they just show a fish doing that pucker thing with his mouth in someone’s fish tank or whatever, I feel uneasy.

I also used to be afraid of clowns, but so many terrible killer clown horror movies have actually vaporized my fear.

Monster Scholar, Monster Land: My horror Achilles heel would have to be disembowelment and/or vivisection. It’s been a hot button for me ever since I ate a bad yogurt parfait and had nightmares about someone cutting me open and removing my organs with toothpicks. This initial fear was only made worse by seeing “House of a Thousand Corpses” as a teenager and watching Dr. Satan perform gruesome surgery on his live victims. Yuck.

Becky Sayers, The Horror Effect: Home invasion films get under my skin. Sometimes it takes the hard-hitting intensity of a movie like “Inside” to terrify me, but other times the simplest slasher can make me uncomfortable. Perhaps it roots back to my indoctrination into the horror genre with “Halloween.” I remember trying to sleep after watching John Carpenter’s masterpiece for the first time. My bed was situated against a wall, which I faced, leaving my back exposed to the empty room. I kept imaging that Michael Myers was standing behind me, his pallid mask hovering like a ghost in the darkness. However, my fear of the home invasion might be based on something more elementary. I grew up on 10-forested acres in a rural area of Washington state. There was no next-door neighbor. There were no paved roads for a mile. If someone were to prey on my childhood home, it might resemble scenes found in “The Strangers” or “Them.” Whatever the circumstance, it is horrifying to imagine that you are not safe in your own residence. Absolutely no one wants to wake up to the sound of unknown footsteps downstairs or to the sight of a shadowy figure leaning over the bedside.

Jeff, The Jaded Viewer: That'’ a very interesting topic. I gotta admit, I get the uber shivers from creepy crawlies, swarms of bugs movies and killer parasites. You know the movies, like “Splinter,” “The Thaw,” “The Ruins,” “Slither” and don’t get me started about “Arachnophobia.” I love these movies but when I see a horde of bugs or parasites on the movie, it gives me chills. I start squirming and I get the feeling these creepy crawlies are attacking me.

Categories: freddy in space, horrorblips, the jaded viewer

the jaded viewer goes on vacation.....again

Well I will be MIA for the next few days as I travel to New Orleans for some much needed R&R. I figure while I'm there, I'll head down to the Louisiana bayou and visit my old friend Victor Crowley.

Me and Vic (his friends call him Vic, his victims call him "NOOOOOO! Argh!!!") We go way back. I visited him after he got that Hatchet in the head. We played Monopoly, Jenga and Trivial Pursuit. Vic also liked to kill animals with his bare hands. I just never got into that.

I'm hoping to bring back some souvenirs. Maybe a severed head, a decapitated arm and possibly my very own hatchet.

So while I'm eating some jambalaya, crawfish and creole food, drop me a line and let me know what's the what. Let me know what you think of the jaded viewer. Do you want more lists? more commentaries? more reviews? more porn?

Let me know or I'll get Vic to drop by your house. I warned ya.





And as a added bonus check out Adam Green's newest Halloween short "Jack Chop"!!!
His shorts are hil-freakin-larious. You can check some of them by going here.





Be back soon!

Categories: Adam Green, hatchet, the jaded viewer, victor crowley

The Children (Review)

The Children

The Children (2009)

Directed by Tom Shankland

[this is a review I wrote for UGO.com's Movie Blog, hence the shortness and the letter grade]

The Children represents a subgenre of horror that will never be fully accepted in the United States of America. Oh yeah, we’ve had our share of “killer kids” films, namely Children of the Corn, The Omen and The Good Son but it’s probably never going to be mainstreamy anytime soon.

Well thank the UK for keeping this creepy ubergenre alive. Tom Shankland’s The Children brings the chills and the wickedness of kids not being kidlike as they go murderous against the adults. It’s succulently evil and scary it made me a very happy horror fan.

The movie’s set up is rather simple. At a New Years gathering, two families come together for a celebration. They consist of two older sisters and their husbands, an eldest hottie Rachel Bilson looking daughter and all their kids (4 total younglings).

The adults, in a twist are almost irrelevant as they are the victim fodder. It’s the children that work so effectively as the little Dennis the Menaces. They soon develop a H1N1 like virus that starts turning them irritable then very serial killery. Each little tyke brings performances that match any Damian persona and even though they are overtly cute, they show their dark side instantly.

Soon, the adults are on the run like teenagers at a summer camp. Many of the scenes are simple, yet effective. Violence between the kids and the adults erupt at a greenhouse, then within the snow covered woods and then inside a house.

Shankland builds up the suspense with some playful foreshadowing and just a hint of quick edits for those gratuitous jump scares. Also, there is some decent amount of gore with head and ocular trauma, broken vertebrae and neck wounds. The movie doesn’t tread lightly on the adult-icide or kid-acide which makes it more chilling when the death scenes occur.

The overall moral theme that gets grappled is one that encompasses all these killer kid films. Would you be able to kill a kid or *gasp* your own child to save your own or another child’s life?

Many of the characters struggle with this and the paternal and maternal instinct are so ingrained, their logic becomes illogical and more emotion. Many might not be able to view such a film where kids wink with such evilness, especially parents.

But for those who are brave enough to watch The Children, you will never see a playground the same way again.

Grade: A

You'll like it if....

• You love creepy kids being creepy movies
• You dig an anti Disney, suspenseful, scary and thrilling kid killer horror movie
• You like movies like The Omen, Children of the Corn and Them aka Ils
  

You won't like it if....

• You’re a parent who morally objects to killer children movies
• You can’t stand the sight of gratuitous gore and head trauma
• You think children killing adults is just ridiculous and cheesy
  

The Trailer

Categories: 2009 horror dvd, ghosthouse underground, the children, the children review, UK horror

The Thaw (Review)

The Thaw

The Thaw (2009)

Directed by Mark A. Lewis

[this is a review I wrote for UGO.com's Movie Blog]

“They’re bugs and they eat people, it’s that simple.”

It’s a simple premise for a simple movie. However, this movie wants you to think it’s more than that. If you haven’t heard of an ecological horror movie, let me introduce you to The Thaw. The overarching theme is we should all be ashamed of ourselves. Little did we know our gas guzzling SUV’s, aerosol cans and non recycling lifestyle would lead to the rise of a creepy crawlies epidemic on a global scale. You didn’t see that coming, right? It’s a horrible inconvenient truth and definitely a horror film Al Gore would love!

There have been a number of creepy crawly movies with an environmental global warming theme of late. OK, maybe just one. The Last Winter, directed by Larry Fessenden is the one film that The Thaw will draw comparisons too. Also think Splinter or The Ruins but in the Arctic. The threat of little parasites infecting you is almost a universal fear, something you’d see on TLC or Discovery. The fact that these creatures exist, makes this movie work effectively.

The Thaw introduces us to Dr. David Kruipen (Val Kilmer) and his team as they discover a wooly mammoth thawing in the Canadian Arctic. Unknown to them, they also discover a prehistoric parasite that has been hibernating in the animal’s as well. Quickly, the team gets infected and the opening shot of a bug making its new home in the head of a woman clearly will makes you feel jittery.

Later, Bart a helicopter pilot flies a group of students led by Kruipen’s daughter, Evelyn to the base camp. The students are an eclectic group of characters that are not typically the stereotypical, oversexed, dumb teenagers we usually see. Evelyn is a very effective final girl; Atom plays out as a level headed counter to Evelyn while Federico portrays the everyman, the guy who will do anything to survive. Finally, Ling is the hottie who has early demise written on her forehead. I found something interesting in these characters; they played out as real to me, not hipsters doing hipster things in a horror movie.

But the real star of the film is of course, the bugs. Created with a very decent amount of CGI, their scenes bring some panic into the fold. A tense moment in the lab will get you itching. The bugs also enable us to witness a very effective arm cutting scene with a cleaver. But the most chilling scenes are just seeing the infected with bite marks all over their bodies and devouring a carcass. It’s downright gross, but somehow successful in getting the point across.

However, the movie does have some flaws. With the creatures swarming all over the camp, our supposedly smart students show disregard to the fact that they could get infected by staying in areas they should be avoiding. Also, the bugs though highly contagious seemed very ineffective in the suspense scenes later on in Acts II and III. Other movies took the parasitic nature and evolved it. Here, the bugs seem to be slightly boring and could have been more menacing and scary.

The ending brings home the global warming theme back home though to tell you the truth I’m one of those people who have an indifferent approach to the whole greenhouse effect thing so I wasn’t converted. Overall, The Thaw is an effective sci-fi horror film that draws our fear of parasites run amok. Though the parallel to global warming bringing about a bugpocalypse is a little farfetched, when you’re putting on the hand sanitizer it’s that fear that The Thaw latches on to. So recycle, ok?

Grade: B

You'll like it if....

• You love creepy crawly horror movies
• You believe global warming is a threat to humanity
• You’re a big fan of sci-fi horror flicks
  

You won't like it if....

• You hate any sight of bugs and bug infestations
• You hate environmental themed movies
• The sight of parasitic bugs and Val Kilmer scare you
  

Categories: ghosthouse underground, giant bugs, the thaw, the thaw review, val kilmer

The House of the Devil (Review)

The House of the Devil

The House of the Devil (2009)

Directed by Ti West

It's very odd that this decade, the 2000s have all been a haven for the throwback, remake or homage movie. We get sentimental for different decades, the 70s and 80s we deem as the golden age sometimes. This very much is the case within horror.

I am not a child of the 70s, but I did watch the cinema of the time. When I first got into horror, I figured I should self-educate and watch the best of the best. The Exorcist, Rosemary's Baby, The Omen, etc. And after watching all these movies, I never knew why people were so obsessed with the occult and the Satanic worship at the time.

But Ti West wants you to get reacquainted with that devil fear all over again. With The House of the Devil, he basically takes that slow burn, jump scare and evil Satanic worshipping frozen dinner and reheats it for you, complete with the side of gory red pudding. West does nothing new to this genre of film, but instead adds some gorehound delights and nostalgic 80s soundtrack to complete a good homage, nothing more and nothing less.

The House of the Devil is a throwback glimpse into a plodding pace that is all atmosphere based which eventually leads to an over the top, metal music cacophony of chaos ending. If you you remember these movies fondly, you'll love this movie. If you're a tween or were born in the 90s, this is a movie where may you spontaneously develop ADD.

I found myself caught in the middle. And I'll tell you why.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In the 1980s, college student Samantha Hughes takes a strange babysitting job that coincides with a full lunar eclipse. She slowly realizes her clients harbor a terrifying secret; they plan to use her in a satanic ritual.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's just start off with what I liked. I loved the vintage 80s opening credits, from the fonts to the freeze frame credit sequences. West spares no expense to get you back into acid washed jeans and Charlie's Angels hair. The soundtrack keeps this going with very montagey music that blends into the film. As Sam blasts her oversized Walkman, we hear music from new wave to metal (thank the Gods of Fire for that). Later, we even get a gratuitous 80s montage set to "One Thing Leads to Another" by The Fixx. It's all these things that gave me a happy because nostalgia is an intoxicating drug for any movie fan.

Here is where we go grey. Sam (Jocelin Donahue) is that everyday poor, struggling college student. She's got a horny, slobby roommate which is the reason she decides to move off campus. She soon takes a babysitting job located in backwoods, USA and she and her friend Megan are off to meet the lovely but ultimately evil Mr. and Mrs. Ulman.

Act 1 is all set up as we play meet and greet with our heroine Sam. Donahue looks like a cloned Danielle Harris. West allows us to see her uninteresting life in the most aggravating of ways. Scenes of watching Sam walk from place to place, with juxtaposition closeup shots of a clock tower followed by more long walks and scary payphones. I have totally forgotten how yawny boring these long shots and scenes of nothing can be. (Can somebody tell me if this is how these 70s/80s Satanic movies were filmed back then? I honestly don't remember. But I get the feeling West makes sure we get the same feel as those movies. The mega slow burn is in effect. You better drink a Red Bull.)

Act 2 begins when Sam decides to take the babysitting job which turns out to be not a babysitting job. Mr Ulman (Tom Noonan, who does a decent job as the creepy undertaker-like guy) explains the rules and coerces her with more money.

We the viewer get painstakingly a collection of scenes of Sam snooping all over the house. Some scenes (especially shots of her through a window are glorious throwaway shots of old). But more so, we get Sam being scared of her friend's answering machine (complete with that 80s pretend voice message), Sam scared of the pizza guy, Sam scared of the bathroom, Sam scared of the creepy attic. West spares no expense who amp up the bass to get you to jump out of your seat. Think of the "Don't!" trailer and this sums up Act 2.

Check out an example of the slow burn suspense in this clip below.





Act 3 which takes about an hour and 10 minutes to get to is filled with bloody uber chaos. Motive is explained by our diabolical couple and their homicidal son tries to go, well homicidal on Sam. Satanic rituals are in effect with that Satanic star, that Satanic animal skull and that Satanic blood drinking and human sacrifices. In all these movies, they end one of two ways. Somebody gets shot or jumps off the roof of the house.

Like I said before, West throws in more gore and splatter than these movies usually have. Gore-ipedia includes a very stellar gunshot to the face, ocular trauma, sliced throats and a headshot. It's top notch FX and I couldn't help but applaud the effort.

However, at the end of the day the movie is a wicked slow slow slow burn. It takes so long to get to the nitty gritty that no Red Bulls were helping to keep me awake. I understand it's suppose to be this way but Satanic and occult movies are my weakest link within horror and I'll admit, I do not like style over substance. The House of the Devil is filled with these cliches of BOO! scares and unseen carnage. Though as an older horror fan, I am not easily scared as I use to be and as the jaded viewer, I demand to see something substantial and not the repackaged same old same old.

That's not to say the film isn't effective in what it was trying to do. Kudos to West and the entire cast for pulling off an impressive homage to the girl meets devil genre. It's brilliant in bringing back that longing for a movie you'd see at 2am on Channel 11 (WPIX in NYC).

So with that, it's a touch of grey for The House of the Devil. It's got its moments and it's got its long moments. Like a magic eye painting, you'll be waiting for the blurry mess of color to turn into a sailboat. Some people will focus and see the sailboat. Others, like myself wait for hours for that damn sailboat. Hell, sometimes you don't see a sailboat at all.

Nude-ipedia

Nada. These aren't the droids you're looking for.

WTF moment

Gunshot to the face. Didn't see that coming.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Going back on the metaphor I mentioned before, The House of the Devil is a reheated frozen dinner. You've eaten it before and it pretty much tastes the same. But sometimes, if you haven't had that same meal in a while, it tastes a little better. Right? Know what I mean?

The House of the Devil comes out on October 30th in a limited release. You can actually watch it on Amazon.com Video In Demand right now.

This is Ti West's 4th film.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

jaded viewer related linkage:
Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

Tags:
the house of the devil, the house of the devil review , the house of the devil trailer , top horror movie 2009, satan occult movies, horror blog

Categories: 80s horror, 80s slasher horror, devil worshipping, occult, satanic horror movies, the house of the devil, the house of the devil review, the roost

Paranormal Activity (Review)

Paranormal Activity

Paranormal Activity (2009)

Directed by Oren Peli

So it was inevitable that I would see Paranormal Activity as it's all the hype and rage of late. As a horror blogger, it would be shameful of me not see this. So the odd part is I did not see this during a midnight madness showing (though I did try to go to one) but on a lazy Sunday mid-afternoon show with a few sporadic jabronis and Joe and Joanna Moviegoer. It would have been cooler to see this with Geeks and The Core, but you have to make do with what you got right?

Another disclaimer before I review is I saw the Paramount cut with the Spielberg ending and not the original uncut movie. To get a feel of what was changed head over to The Horror Effect and B-Movie Becky can explain.

So what did the jaded viewer think?

Paranormal Activity is a very creepy and scary movie that follows the shaky cam/found footage formula to a tee. It doesn't live up to the hype, but it does get very close. The movie relies on ingrained fear of the unknown and tosses some sound effects, shadow and bizarre creepiness and an ending that people won't forget.

As I mentioned before, The Paranormal Activity Effect will be echoed by all the major studios. It's a testament to what a $15,000 dollar budget, one week shoot and no name actors can accomplish. You think The Blair Witch Project can only happen once in a lifetime, but 10 years later, it's happened again in the full internet age to boot. Wow. What a fuckin accomplishment.
Indie horror is still alive and for once the big studios took advantage instead of relegating good horror (like Trick R Treat) to Best Buy DVD shelves.

Paranormal Activity is genuinely an anomaly within the horror genre, blasting through the clutter of zombies, vampires and monsters. Unseen demon spookiness is a lost art form and I am glad PA brings it back in a very clever way.

So on to a breakdown review.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After a young, middle class couple moves into what seems like a typical suburban 'starter' tract house, they become increasingly disturbed by a presence that may or may not be somehow demonic but is certainly most active in the middle of the night. Especially when they sleep. Or try to.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

As I watched this flick, the Blair Witch comparisons are inevitable. But more so, I was drawn to compare this to another POV/found footage/shaky cam film that came out recently called Evil Things (full review here). They both are similar in following the formula BWP invented. The only difference is one is now a cult phenomenon and the other is nowhere on anybody's horror radar.

But let's get to the breakdown by seeing how Paranormal Activity worked the BWP formula to perfection.

• The camera "person" films everything
• His friends who become part of the video
• Something sinister starts to scare them
• The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

The camera "person" films everything

Micah and Katie both work the camera so we can get at least 99 minutes of footage. Though the motives are better explained as to why Micah is taping everything. With the paranormal shit having happened before the movie starts, there is justification that Micah wants to be a ghost hunter himself and record everything. Both Micah and Katie give strong performances and come out as very "real" in their ad-libbed and emotional diatribes. They seem to be a natural couple, not Hollywood 20-something actor clones. Katie has that Pam Beasley Office look while Micah comes off as a fantasy football/geek personality.

Katie's persona as a haunted life long victim of this demon comes off as very sincere and you feel for her. But to me, the best reality show character motif comes from Micah who plays the arrogant, SOB boyfriend to a tee. It's a twist within this genre. Usually the characters play off scared, than fuckin totally frightened. But Micah goes all tough guy, calling out the entities that have invaded his home and his girlfriend. His elaborate "traps" to capture evidence is a clever cat and mouse game between him and Demon X. I liked the fact he was brave enough to challenge and though many hated this in Micah, I loved his alpha male -ism.

His friends who become part of the video

Only 2 other characters show up and become part of the footage. The Psychic whose scared shitless and Katie's friend. Can you believe this movie had only 4 people on film?

Something sinister starts to scare them

I'm not going to go over each of the "Night" scenes but some more than others were effective. The daytime scenes are filled with humor, concern and infighting while the meat and potatoes of the movie are the night scenes. It's the tripod camera footage that we all were waiting to see. Katie's eternal standing, Ouija board and the other WTF scene around #13 or so (not sure) worked the best. The others (keys, light switching) seem to be unscary. But it's the buildup that counts as you the paranormal activity goes from low to medium than to mega high. It's a slowburn and by the ending, it's raining hellfire.

The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

The Spielberg ending is a decent way to end it though if you read the original ending, it also seems more realistic and probably worked effectively as well. You tell me. If you saw the original ending vs the Spielberg ending, which one was better?

Paranormal Activity probably wouldn't have worked if say it was released in July. But in October, with Halloween in the air it's just the awesome piece of candy amongst all the crappy candy corn in your bag of horror treats. It is very scary, to tweens and jabronis probably 100x scary but to the Core and the Geeks, we look at it a little differently. Insano Steve said a few times, why don't they turn on all the lights? Whats with this camera light as the only light source?!?! I agree. We all have gripes with the logic but it wouldn't be a horror movie if they turned on all the lights, right? Also, the daytime "scares" broke the mold which gave me a happy.

Because of many of these happy thoughts, Paranormal Activity works. It works as a faux documentary/POV film, it works as a scary and creepy film and it works as one of the best horror films of 2009.

Gore-ipedia/Nude-ipedia

Negative Zero

WTF moment

The second to last scene
The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Here's hoping the DVD has both endings. I am very curious to see what was cut and what was added. You're not going to see a better movie this October (other than probably Zombieland).

Regardless of my review, you're going to see this movie because the hype has gotten so farfetched, it's at ludicrous speed. All I can say is bring down your expectations and go in with having your fear jolted a few times.

Paranormal Activity will probably end up on my Top 10 Horror Films of 2009 as well as many within the horror-blogosphere. As you all know, those lists are one of the prime indicators you've made it within the horror-sphere. See it in the theater in a packed room and let the mass fear hysteria begin.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

jaded viewer related linkage:
The Paranormal Activity Effect
Evil Things (Review)
Rec (Review)

Tags:
paranormal activity, paranormal activity review , paranormal activity trailer , top horror movie 2009, grindhouse, horror blog

Categories: cinema verite, ghost stories, paranormal activity, paranormal activity review, paranormal activity trailer, pov horror, the blair witch project

Black Dynamite (Review)

Black Dynamite

Black Dynamite (2009)

Directed by Scott Sanders

"Listen sucka, I'm blacker than the ace of spades and more militant than you and your whole damn army put together"

"Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only matched by your zest of kung-fu treachery"

"Freeze you jive time suckas!"

Those are just some of the lines that Black Dynamite utters when kicking The Man's ass and dealing with some jive ass turkeys. There are a few more quotey quotables that had me on the fuckin ground. But the dialogue is only a tiny smack vial in this great movie which undoubtedly will be one of my Top 10 Movies of 2009.

Black Dynamite leap frogs up top to the best the blaxploitation parody genre has to offer. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Don't be a Menace..., Undercover Brother, Friday are classics in this but nobody has had the balls to go all out and never stop, 70s style. The jokes are a mile a minute, the dialogue is spoof-irific, every gag scene is gag-tastic and the look and feel make you feel your back in the 70s.

The movie, running about 90 minutes doesn't stop in its genius comedy of ripping apart the blaxploitation gimmicks and logical illogics. It's a black time capsule of spoof. If you've seen the blaxsploitation classics its spoofing it becomes 100 times better. Shaft, Coffy and something I recently saw, Black Gestapo are utterly parodied to perfection.

I haven't laughed that hard since seeing Black Devil Doll because the beauty of being ridiculous is making sure the audience knows you're being ridiculous. So self aware is Black Dynamite, when we close in on a gratuitous closeup stare by our super brotha, we know he knows we know. You dig?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When “The Man” murders his brother, pumps heroin into local orphanages, and floods the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor, Black Dynamite is the one hero willing to fight all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

So for this review, I get quotable. It's the only way I can get through my random thoughts on the flick.

"Anaconda Malt Liquor gives you ooooooooooooo"

From the opening scene of a TV ad for Anaconda Malt Liquor to the closing credits (extra scenes at the end for you IMDB crazy credits peeps), the gags start right off and they don't let up. Our man Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) is the complete package. A former orphan, he's a player's playa with the ladies, an ex Vietman Vet, CIA agent and a soul brotha soldier. But when his brother gets killed, he has to exact revenge and clean up the streets.

"Who the hell is interrupting my kung fu?"

Many of the best scenes are parodies of kung fu flicks. BD is a numchuck master and the fight scenes are classic editing craziness. It's full of brute punches and Street Fighter kicks, BD has unlimited hit points. I even expected a hadouken to spawn.


"Black Dynamite, that was the best lovin I've ever had"

The ladies can't stand the smile (or lack thereof) of the man. They become butter in his fingers. BD taps the ass of many fine beauties and the the movie doesn't let up on some fine ass boobies. As BD courts smart sista Gloria, it's classic beauty and the beast. Just don't call Gloria a beast.

OK, I'm going to try condense my thoughts and just get to the chicken and donuts of this review. There are a ton of baddies who wanna take down Black Dynamite. These include:

1.) Pimps and drug dealers dealin smack in the orphanage
2.) The corrupt cops
3.) The Man
4.) Dr. Wu
5.) The President

All are dispatched of in true Black Dynamite style with "Dynamite! Dynamite!" jingles and throwaway one liners.

There are gags o plenty that are utterly magnificent. An unlit cigarette being smoked, a boom hits an afro, an overused car explosion, kids suffering from smack addiction in the orphanage, yada yada yada. I'll be ruining the flick if I told you anymore. You dig?

The all star cast cameos can't be ignored as well. Again, just sit back and watch as cameos flood the screen. If you don't recognize some of these pimps and drug dealers (guess who Tasty Freeze and Kotex and Chicago Wind are), you should be shot with a hand cannon. Michael Jai White is flawless in his performance, reciting jive talk like Jay Z lyricalling lyrics. Some of the lines are intentionally off then quickly corrected and White sells his persona and his physique (I mean he was Spawn and Tyson right?) to the max. Black Dynamite's army also shines like hot sauce on a donut. Tommy Davidson plays Cream Corn who has Katt Williams like pimpitude. Bullhorn, another friend-dude helps BD kick some motherfuckin ass.

Finally, the look and feel of Black Dynamite make you DeLorean into the past. The soundtrack is jazzed and funked up. The intentional blurry closeups, bad editing and fade ins and outs are cinema styilized for maximum effect. The sound effects are played like a soundboard and you can't ignore the use of 4th wall breaking with closeups galore.

All in all, you get one of the funniest film spoofs to hit the screen since Austin Powers. I never had so much fun watching a movie this year. Michael Jai White and director Scott Sanders in attendance, saw a very predominant crowd of non honkies LOL and ROFL for 90 minutes straight. I'm sure it was thrill for them to see NYC represent in this sold out screening.

Sure you can see a Eisenberg/Cera suburban self aware comedy, but when you get tired of the vanilla, that's where Black Dynamite comes in. It's pure chocolate deliciousness, topped with hot fudge and a cherry. And don't you want to see Black Dynamite pop that cherry? You dig?

Nude-ipedia

Black boobies
White boobies
Asian boobies
It's a multicultural collection of boobies!

WTF moment

The demise of Dr. Wu by a clever and very fast Black Dynamite

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Black Dynamite opens nationwide October 16th. I'm not sure if it will get wide distribution but if it does, you MUST SEE THIS FILM.

At first, when I saw the trailer months ago I thought this was an actual blaxploitation movie for the new millenium. What I saw yesterday was better. Black Dynamite hits on all those funny bones of every blaxploitaiton spoof plus being a blaxploitation movie in itself, it balances it out nicely so that you get the best of both worlds. This easily gets 4 spinkicks.

The movie ends on an apology as Black Dynamite says: "I'm sorry I pimped slapped you into that china cabinet". If you don't see this movie, I may be doing that to all of you jive ass suckas!


Rating:

Check out the trailer.

jaded viewer related linkage:
Black Dynamite viral yumminess
Fight Smack in the Oprphanage!!!
Black Dynamite and Supreme Court Judge Sotomayor and Numchucks
Black Dynamite meets Barry (ahem Barack)
Anaconda Malt Liquor videos

Official Site
Black Dynamite Yo Self!
Black Dynamite Facebook site

Tags:
black dynamite, black dynamite review , black dynamited trailer , black dynamite clips, blaxploitation, spoof, black comedy, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2009, grindhouse, big boobs, horror blog

Categories: 70s grindhouse movies, Anaconda Malt Liquor, black dynamite, black dynamite clip, black dynamite review, black dynamite trailer, blaxploitation, gratuitous nudity

Black Dynamite (Exclusive Clips!)

It's Thursday. It's a very good Thursday because tonight I'm going to see Black Dynamite! Wooohooo! Yay! Too bad suckas!

Well I've been hyping up this flick by posting the trailer, putting up funny ass clips and Fighting Smack in the Orphanage.

I'm super amped up to see this flick and you should be too. I'm going to get ready by drinking a 40 of some Anaconda Malt Liquor and also fighting that damn smack in the orphanage. You should too. I mean these little orphans are hooked and prostituting by the age of 2 for shits sake.

My review will be up tomorrow (hopefully if I don't drink to much Anaconda). For now, check out some exclusive clips from some jibber jabbering cult sites FunnyorDie and OnSmash.com.


OnSmack.com Black Firecracker TNT with Ebony Explosion “Black Dynamite's Dojo”





FunnyorDie.com's Fight Smack in the Orphanage "Man on the Street

Fight Smack in the Orphanage...Man on the Street - watch more funny videos

FunnyorDie.com's War on Smack

War on Smack - watch more funny videos

Also, we got more viral yumminess. What else you ask you jive ass fool?

Black Dynamite Yo'Self

Black Dynamite Talkin' Jive (Soundboard)

Aren't you psyched up you punk ass brothas?

Black Dynamite opens October 16th.

Categories: Anaconda Malt Liquor, black dynamite, black dynamite red band trailer, blaxploitation

Jack Ketchum's Offspring (Review)

Jack Ketchum's Offspring

Jack Ketchum's Offspring (2009)

Directed by Andrew van den Houten

[this is a review I wrote for UGO.com's Movie Blog]

I have never read a Jack Ketchum novel so I came into watching Offspring with a unique perspective. The only other Jack Ketchum movie I’ve seen was The Girl Next Door which I ranked #4 on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2007. So I may not be a big fan, but I do appreciate his vision.

With research, Offspring is a sequel to Ketchum’s novel Off-Season. But horror fans need not read that book as this movie takes place 11 years later. The story revolves around the citizens of Dead River, Maine being invaded by Eartheaters, pseudo American cannibals who are bent on slaughtering the innocent civilians of this quiet town. They are a clan like no other. These cannibals are all “stolen” children and have a wide variety of looks. A blonde cannibal in Mad Max gear, grown up cannibals in Native American stripper leather and to top it all off we have little kiddie cannibals, all unique in their personalities. When the first horrific murders occur, the local police bring back former Sheriff George Peters (Art Hindle) to investigate.

The main townies are introduced and they are no pushover teenagers. David and Amy, a married couple who live with their infant daughter are soon visited by Amy’s friend Claire and her son Luke. Later, Claire’s crazy, psycho husband Stephen threatens to visit and we see his true persona as a misogynistic yuppie when he picks up a hitchhiker.

But all this is set up so that when the scenes of complete slaughter and destruction occur, your empathy gene turns on. The meat and potatoes of Offspring and where Ketchum’s critical acclaim comes from are the scenes of unrelenting violence by the cannibals. Gorehounds will rejoice as we get a wide variety of splatterific moments. Ocular trauma, ripped necks, sliced up stomachs and oozing intestines, infanticide, 3rd degree burnage and a decapitation to the head that was uber stellar.

But top notch gore alone can only go so far to make a movie. The fight scenes are badly executed, the dialogue a little cheesy and the costumes look like they were bought at a less than a dollar store. The characters, probably given more backstory in the book are more like nameless victim fodder. Their deaths lack any viewer attachments and even a horrible rape and bite sequence made me care less.

What the book and Ketchum tried to hint at is that these cannibals are like locusts and it’s in their nature to kill. Moreover, the “civilized” ex-husband versus the uncivilized cannibals act eerily similar when their lives are on the line. That’s the connection you should have made but the movie fails at this and all we’re left with is kid on kid violence for the sake of shock value. I appreciate a hatchet to the chest as much as the next gorehound, but it doesn’t make for an entirely awesome flick. Like the cannibals, you’ll get an arm and a leg to nibble on, but don’t expect to get full from Offspring.


DVD Features:

• Commentary with Writer Jack Ketchum, Director Andrew van den Houten, and Producer/Cinematographer William M. Miller
• Progeny: The Birth of Offspring documentary
• BailoutPrintable Script
• Webisodes
• Photo Gallery
  

Grade: C

You'll like it if....

• You’re a hardcore Jack Ketchum fan
• You love cannibals running amok
• You’re a gorehound and love splatterpunk
  

You won't like it if....

• You bad costumes and cheesy dialogue get on your nerves
• You think Wrong Turn was awful
• You are squeamish when it comes to blood and ocular trauma

Categories: 2009 exploitation movies, 2009 grindhouse movies, 2009 horror dvd, cannibal films, jack ketchum, offspring, offspring review

Dollhouse "Instinct" (TV Review)

Well aren't those 2 the cutest little MILFs you ever did see. My bad if I've been subjecting to you reading posts about my Dollhouse reviews for UGO.com. Dollhouse has started off slow but I still believe the show is worth watching (I'm one of 3 people in all of America).

In this episode, Eliza Dushku plays mom and has to protect her baby from the forces of evil. But the beauty of this review, is I've broken it down in Lifetime Movie of the Week segments. You know, women scorn, women revenge, women abuse and women nymphomaniacs.

Check out the entire review by heading to UGO.com's TV Blog.

Categories: dichen lachman, dollhouse, dollhouse review, eliza dushku, joss whedon, liza lapira

The WTF List: Zombieland

Good ole America. We're back to take what's rightfully ours. I guy from Pittsburgh created the zombie film so it's fitting we take back the zombie comedy. Hey, Shaun of the Dead, you had your time at the top, but Zombieland shotgunned you out of the way and blew a hole right in your face.

Ruben Fleischer's Zombieland, written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick have created the new standard in zombie comedy. You get the feel they took all the zombie culture references (Max Brook's The Zombie Survival Guide being most evident and every other zombie comedy and blended it into a cohesive, yummy tasting awesome comedy.

Woody H., Jesse E, Emma S and Abigail B are all working a nice solid with their performances. Just dead on with Woody as the redneck papa, Jesse playing his Adventureland role in a post apocalyptic way and Emma being the hottie with the scams and Abigail taking her tween acting into overdrive.

OK, enough of the gushing and spewing of love by me. It's just going to get messy. On to the WTF list. SPOILERS OHOY!

1.) The opening slo mo sequence is credit breaking-tastic
2.) Cardio
3.) Double Tap
4.) 406 may be the hottest zombie to appear ever
5.) Columbus, Tallahassee, Wichita and Little Rock (now thats what I call memorable movie character names)
6.) Enjoy the Little Things
7.) The ring con
8.) Twinkies have a half life...I'm sure of it.
9.) Fast moving zombies are only awesome when there in slo mo
10.) The logical conclusion of fat zombies
11.) "You gotta love rednecks!"
12.) Who you gonna call?
13.) I did not know B.M. was in this. So when Zombie Bill showed up I almost laughed out loud my vocal cords
14.) "We're gonna build a fort" (I just liked that line)
15.) Tallahassee goes John Wayne on the amusement park zombies
16.) No more Facebooking status updates ever in Zombieland
17.) Columbus's Diablo Cody self aware dialogue
18.) Bill and Columbus reenact a scene from Ghostbusters with Wichita doing to Janine voice
19.) The end credits have one final scene with Bill and Woody
20.) Bill's demise and Garfield reference

21.) Zombie Kill of the Week!

Here are some of the 47 rules to survive Zombieland

1.) Cardio
2.) Beware of Bathrooms
3.) Seatbelts
4.) Double Tap
5.) Travel Light
6.) Cast Iron Skillet
12.) Bounty Paper Towels
15.) Bowling Ball
17.) Don't be a hero
29.) The Buddy System
31.) Check the backseat
32.) Enjoy the little things
33.) Swiss Army Knife

All the videos to the rules can be found here.

Megagasmic awesome flick thru and thru. The fact they didn't let up with the gore and splatter is a testament to the fact that they know Wiki about zombie movies. It hit on all the right notes, was self aware of what it was parodying but then made it its own.

Zombieland is probably going to be my #1 comedy (not just zombie comedy) of 2009. With this rush of vampire flicks infiltrating TV and movies, the zombie horror comedy movie may be on the decline. But Tallahassee isn't hearing that shit.

Go see Zombieland.

Categories: emma stone, horror comedy, jesse eisenberg, shawn of the dead, woody harrelson, zombie comedy, zombieland, zombies