A Short Transcript of my Interview with Jason Voorhees

Well we here at the jaded viewer got a world exclusive! I got to interview Mr. Jason Voorhees of Crystal Lake. In the brief transcript of the interview below, you'll get insight into the man, the icon and the legend of Jason. Here he lets loose on a variety of topics ranging from his favorite kill to his secret crushes of his favorite final girls.

It's got some juicy gossips for you TMZ-ish horror fans. Check out the interview below!

The Jaded Viewer: Thanks Mr. Voorhees for taking some time out of your busy schedule to talk to us. We only saw you a year ago and you looked a little sluggish with your latest performance. Some critics hammered you on your diminishing killing abilities. What do you have to say to these naysayers?

Jason Voorhees:

TJV: Interesting. You do have a point there. I never thought about that. So fans of your work want to know what your best kill was. Got any favorites?

JV: [heavy breathing]

TJV: Wow, fascinating. That wasn't on many top 10 lists that I know of. OK let's switch gears and talk about who was your greatest foe. Which final girl gave you the most trouble?

JV:

TJV: Now that's a shocker! Did the other counselors know about you two?

JV:

TJV: Yeah I totally agree. Most girls have a difficult time getting over the "killing thing". You'd think that be part of the package. So are you two still friends?

JV:

TJV: Ummm with the machete huh? Breakups can be bad. We know all about your mom. It's been well documented. But I wanna know about your dad. Can you tell our viewers who your dad was and what was he like?

JV: [deep heavy breathing]

TJV: That's unbelievable. Do you think that contributed to who you are today?

JV:

TJV: Wow. I mean that's something nobody knows about you at all. I'm sure people now know who the real Jason Voorhees is because of that little fact. Anything else you want our viewers to know?

JV:

TJV: Will do Mr. Voorhees. Thanks again for taking the time to talk to us today. Good luck in your future killings and I hope you continued success.

JV:

***********************************************

What do you think about these shocking revelations by Jason Voorhees? Does it change your perception of the iconic slasher? Do you think he'll survive this public ordeal? How will his fellow slashers react to this news? Chime in and let your voice be known!

Categories: friday the 13th, interview, jason voohees, jason voorhees, slashers

Rewind: Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (Review)

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (1985)

Directed by Danny Steinmann

[It's a retro review by the jaded viewer. I originally posted this review after buying the box set. Films 1-8. The memories all came pouring back. Fangoria covers and lunch box sets. And so I decided to make a list. The ultimate super duper mega crazy best to worst list. Starting from the worst movie of the franchise to the best, I'll go into why each film was either really good or really terrible. I of course never finished the list only.]

Why oh why did they make this turd? OK let's just say straight out why this is the worst of the franchise.

We got a fake Jason.

I mean that's all that has to be said right? Nothing is redeeming in this movie. The thing about the Fthe13th films is you have to grade them on a curve. They should include the following:

1.) Jason Voorhees (or his mom)
2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths
3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!
4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made

Let's go briefly through the plot.

Tommy Jarvis is a troubled teen who goes to troubled teen camp. If you remember Part 4, Tommy went postal on Jason and is now tormented by the incident.

So at the camp he (and unfortunately we) meet the following people:

1.) Dudley from Different Strokes
2.) Pam some girl who befriends Tommy
3.) Two greasers who get whacked
4.) A redneck mom and his redneck son who are cutboard cutouts of rednecks
5.) Punk rock girl who likes to listen to the Smiths
6.) Some stuttering kid
7.) Some fat kid
8.) Some waitress and some dumbass
9.) Some Michael Jackson wannabe who has gerry curls and eats burritos

Part 5 fails in all four items.

Shall we go through the list?

1.) Jason Voorhees

Nope.

For some unknown reason some ambulance driver who was the father of the retarded kid decides to use the Jason M.O. to kill. And he's lame. And they even blatantly say it's not Jason. So in case you thought it might actually be Jason they tell you it's not. How does he die in the end?
He gets thrown out of the 2nd floor of a barn into some tractor with spikes. You know it's fake Jason because the hockey mask has some blue markers. WTF?

2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths

Nope.

You can see the body count here. I can't even recall any good ones....hell I can't recall anything about this movie. It's fading fast...oh oh it's almost gone.

3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!

Ehh. A little.

There's a brief scene of some dude and girl getting it on in the middle of the woods. But they are fuckin ugly. That's it. You'll see more nudity in an Olsen twins video.

4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made

Huh? What? Hmm? What the hell?

So here's the ending. After Tommy and Pam kill Jason, they end up in the hospital and we have a gratuitous dream that doesn't look like a dream by Tommy as Tommy laying down on the bed stabs Pam with a knife. Then he wakes up. Cut to a scene after that ho hum pseudo scare, Pam runs into an Tommy's empty room and see's the window shattered. We then see Tommy with the Jason mask on and a knife in the backround as Pammy is about to turn around....

What the freakin fuck?

Huh?

I know he's all fucked up but cmon dude. Don't give me that shit.

I remember renting this fucker back in 1980 something and I think me and my friends were all disappointed and turned to drugs because of this film (i'm now currently addicted to heroin).

This is by far the worse ending ever put on celluloid.

The recap

So to recap this movie sucked. A lot of yapping. A lot of troubled youth I could care less about. Some damn ugly chicks and the dudes were way boring. Redneck mom and dad made me heave.

Fake Jason is Roy Burns? This is fuckin dumb. Who the fuck is Roy Burns?!?

Nothing redeeming about this film. It's so bad you would lose faith in the entire series after this flick. This fuckin sucked.

Rating:
0 Spinkicks

Tags:
friday the 13th part v a new beginning, jason voorhees , fake jason , the jaded viewer, worst friday the 13th movie,

Categories: fake jason, friday the 13th part 5 a new beginning, jason voorhees, the 13th