Sunday, May 18, 2008

Rewind: Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (Review)

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (1985)

Directed by Danny Steinmann

[It's a retro review by the jaded viewer. I originally posted this review after buying the box set. Films 1-8. The memories all came pouring back. Fangoria covers and lunch box sets. And so I decided to make a list. The ultimate super duper mega crazy best to worst list. Starting from the worst movie of the franchise to the best, I'll go into why each film was either really good or really terrible. I of course never finished the list only.]

Why oh why did they make this turd? OK let's just say straight out why this is the worst of the franchise.

We got a fake Jason.

I mean that's all that has to be said right? Nothing is redeeming in this movie. The thing about the Fthe13th films is you have to grade them on a curve. They should include the following:

1.) Jason Voorhees (or his mom)
2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths
3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!
4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made

Let's go briefly through the plot.

Tommy Jarvis is a troubled teen who goes to troubled teen camp. If you remember Part 4, Tommy went postal on Jason and is now tormented by the incident.

So at the camp he (and unfortunately we) meet the following people:

1.) Dudley from Different Strokes
2.) Pam some girl who befriends Tommy
3.) Two greasers who get whacked
4.) A redneck mom and his redneck son who are cutboard cutouts of rednecks
5.) Punk rock girl who likes to listen to the Smiths
6.) Some stuttering kid
7.) Some fat kid
8.) Some waitress and some dumbass
9.) Some Michael Jackson wannabe who has gerry curls and eats burritos

Part 5 fails in all four items.

Shall we go through the list?

1.) Jason Voorhees


For some unknown reason some ambulance driver who was the father of the retarded kid decides to use the Jason M.O. to kill. And he's lame. And they even blatantly say it's not Jason. So in case you thought it might actually be Jason they tell you it's not. How does he die in the end?
He gets thrown out of the 2nd floor of a barn into some tractor with spikes. You know it's fake Jason because the hockey mask has some blue markers. WTF?

2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths


You can see the body count here. I can't even recall any good ones....hell I can't recall anything about this movie. It's fading fast...oh oh it's almost gone.

3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!

Ehh. A little.

There's a brief scene of some dude and girl getting it on in the middle of the woods. But they are fuckin ugly. That's it. You'll see more nudity in an Olsen twins video.

4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made

Huh? What? Hmm? What the hell?

So here's the ending. After Tommy and Pam kill Jason, they end up in the hospital and we have a gratuitous dream that doesn't look like a dream by Tommy as Tommy laying down on the bed stabs Pam with a knife. Then he wakes up. Cut to a scene after that ho hum pseudo scare, Pam runs into an Tommy's empty room and see's the window shattered. We then see Tommy with the Jason mask on and a knife in the backround as Pammy is about to turn around....

What the freakin fuck?


I know he's all fucked up but cmon dude. Don't give me that shit.

I remember renting this fucker back in 1980 something and I think me and my friends were all disappointed and turned to drugs because of this film (i'm now currently addicted to heroin).

This is by far the worse ending ever put on celluloid.

The recap

So to recap this movie sucked. A lot of yapping. A lot of troubled youth I could care less about. Some damn ugly chicks and the dudes were way boring. Redneck mom and dad made me heave.

Fake Jason is Roy Burns? This is fuckin dumb. Who the fuck is Roy Burns?!?

Nothing redeeming about this film. It's so bad you would lose faith in the entire series after this flick. This fuckin sucked.

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