Friday, July 09, 2010

Machete vs The Expendables: Which one will punch you in the face the hardest?

The latest Machete trailer came out today and it looks badass. In the battle of alpha male minds everywhere, we are going into full action porn mode when Machete will battle it out with The Expendables in a month or so.

These 2 mega giant rock em sock em movies won't go head to head. Mind you The Expendables comes out August 13th during peak summer movie time while Machete comes out September 3rd. But they are 2 of the biggest action flicks to come out this year.

So who has the edge? Let's break it down star by star and X Factors.

1.) Stallone vs Trejo
Edge: Stallone

Stallone is an icon and he can't be denied his legendary status. He has single handily kept the action movie alive by reincarnating his iconic characters Rocky and Rambo. Trejo has always been "That Guy" in movies but he's as badass as they come. I'm going with Stallone.

2.) Rodriguez/Alba vs Statham/Li
Edge: Rodriguez/Alba

As much as I bow down to the greatness of Jason Statham and Jet Li, you can't argue seeing Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in scantily clad tight leather shoot heavy artillery and blowing shit up as not being totally fuckin awesome. They're hot and they're kicking ass for Machete. Statham and Li can helm their own action franchises but seeing Rodriguez and Alba is enough to put them over the top. Yummy.

3.) Seagal vs Lundgren
Edge: Seagal

Sorry Dolph fans, but the pseudo Japanese Westerner gets the edge here because Seagal brings in the I'm overweight but I can use a Katana like no other mofo. Both are has been 80s stars but Seagal seems to get the slight edge as we last saw Lundgren with JCVD. Now if JCVD was in The Expendables, that would be a different story.

4.) Lindsay Lohan vs Terry Crews

Edge: Crews

In a few incoherent words....PA PA PA PA POWER!!!

5.) Marin vs Austin/Couture
Edge: Marin

Cheech Marin plays a priest turned killer. Plus if he says titty twister, I'm sold. It'll be interesting to see a wrestler and a MMA guy join the crew but Cheech is Cheech and he is fuckin hilarious.

6.) Don Johnson vs Eric Roberts
Edge: Johnson

Sure Eric Roberts was decent in the Dark Knight but seeing Don Johnson might be awesome for shits and giggles. Both were 80s stars and both are now way off the radar and will act for food. I hope they both die in their respective films.

7.) Robert DeNiro vs Mickey Rourke
Edge: Rourke

The battle of Oscar winners will bring class to both flicks but I have to with Rourke here based on the fact that somehow Mickey will totally overact in The Expendables somehow. It's too easy to have DeNiro play a corrupt Senator, shit I don't even know what Rourke's role is but my money is on demolition expert.

8.) Gratuitous Cameo Battle: McGowan/Savini vs Schwarzenegger/Willis
Edge: Schwarenegger/Willis

I love Rose McGowan and would automatically default to giving her the edge. It helps that we'll get to see Tom Savini as well in Machete. But c'mon now, Ah-nuld and John fuckin McClaine are cameo-ing in a Stallone flick and that is unprecedented. Without a doubt the cameo battle is won by these 2 legendary kings of action.

9.) Who will have more EXPLOSIONS?

Edge: The Expendables


10.) Who will have more MACHETES?
Edge: Machete

Double Duh.

So after tallying everything up we've got:
  • The Expendables: 5
  • Machete: 5
It's a TIE!!

I can't deny I'm salivating for both movies. I really don't know which one is going to be better. But maybe you guys do. Which movie do you think will make you punch your fist through a wall?

For now, check out the trailers.




  1. I'm drooling over here. I hope both movies turn out great, can't freakin' wait to see them.

  2. Im excited for both, but im definitely going to spend my theater money on Machete. I mean, its freaking Robert Rodriguez, plus ive been waiting for this since Grindhouse came out back in '05 [i think it was'05, anyway] I do have to say though, that im uber excited to see Danny Trejo in a starring role and not just that fleeting badass. I mean, we've seen what Stallone brings to the table time and time again, and to be honest, while is is pretty bad-ass, im kind of tired of him [unless he totally shocks me and brings something new to the table.] My vote is totally for Machete and Trejo, but as i said before, im exited for both.

  3. When it comes to stature challenged bad@$$es, I'd rather see Trejo than Stallone. No contest. I'm team Machete.

  4. What am I more interested in? Machete, hands down. Which has more star power and much more chance at success in the BO? Expendables all the way. I blame society.

  5. I'm rooting for Machete, but after seeing the trailer for Expendables I am a bit more interested in seeing that one too.

  6. I've decided. I'm Team Machete. I need to see people dismembered with machetes. All Stallone is gonna do is obliterate somebody with a mini gun.

  7. Did you throw in #10 just to make it a tie? LOL

    I know that Machete will get my ticket money. The Expendables feels like a renter.

  8. Haha. I could have Zed. I'm leaning towards Machete but this trailer made me wanna see Expendables.

    Expendables vs Julia Roberts

  9. rose mcgowan isn't in this movie, blockhead. where did you even find that?