The WTF List: The Expendables (Review)

The super team concept is nothing new. Let's pile on the stars and blow shit up. Ensemble casting works and with the action movie as low as its been in years, you need the star power to get people into the theaters.

Oddly, as I was watching this I kept thinking how The Expendables can be compared to the Miami Heat. Stallone is Wade, Lebron is Jason Statham and Bosh is Jet Li. All sacrificed their egos at the door to make one blockbuster movie. Did you think anybody from the team was going to die? Hahaha...seriously right? Fuck no. They're all badasses. Terry Crews and Coutoure are the non mega stars but no way were they gonna die.

I mean even the bad apple (Dolph) survived. So we can say the Miami Heat are the super friends coming together to destroy every team in the NBA. But the big question for the Heat is will everybody be happy with less points and being "The Man" on his team for the sake of a championship? Nobody knows for sure but when I watched The Expendables, the screen time was sacrificed by all.

Here's what I noticed:

• Stallone kicks ass but doesn't have the awesome murder death kills he usually has
• Statham steals the show here (knife throwing plus gun play) and that basketball scene making him the "true star" of The Expendables
• Jet Li gets some token screen time via Dolph

I was so hyped to see all these mega stars together that when they were 187-ing the Val Verde (or whatever that country was called) army I was a little underwhelmed. Sure it was fun but too much star power I think was overkill.

Let's explore this further with a WTF List.

1.) Do you really need to send in The Expendables when you gotta kill Somali pirates? I think the Navy did a good job on this.
2.) HOLY FUCKIN COW! The uber mega scene between Stallone, Willis and Schwarenegger was every fan boys dream come true.

(sidenote: I think Arnold's character of Trench is really Dutch (from Predator) who in reality is really Matrix (from Commando))

3.) The Expendables are such a goofy crew when you break them down racially: You got a big roided up American, a British guy, a Chinese guy, a pa pa powerful black dude, a Swedish guy and a fucked up ear guy.
4.) They are taking on a former CIA agent white guy, Stone Cold and an entire South American Army
5.) Seriously, Matrix could have easily wiped out the army of Vilena in 20 minutes (see Val Verde)
6.) The knife throwing Lee Christmas should have his own movie
7.) The car chase scene to the airplane was really lame....right? Though it led to mega 'splosions
8.) I like how Stallone wrote up a scene for Statham (basketball scene) and for Li (vs Dolph). Cmon, we would have loved seeing Jet Li wipe out an entire platoon by himself
9.) I have the exact number of explosives they planted. It was 1,947.
10.) That Vilena girl wasn't even that hot. Couldn't they get Zoe Saldana? She will act for food.
11.) These island nations should really not accept a shady ex CIA agent's help.
12.) Pa pa pa pa POWER!!!! (in other words Terry Crews can blow up lookout towers looking cool)
13.) OMG, was that an action montage within another action montage within another action montage???!?!??!?
14.) I think I counted 4 wrestling moves, 3 MMA moves and 89 martial arts moves.
15.) Stone Cold acting tough is such a stretch
16.) I feel for the henchmen army. All they wanted to do was support their families by earning meager paychecks from the government. Now all of them are dead, dismembered or highly unconscious
17.) And why was Mickey Rourke in this?
18.) Technically, Stone Cold fucked up Stallone
19.) I appreciate a good decapitation
20.) So all I need is 5 million dollars to hire The Expendables? Do you guys do birthday parties?

**************************************

Sure its filled with action cliches and alpha male bravado but its still a solid flick. Each of the "big 3" could have had more screen time and I kinda felt too much stuff was going on at once. The CGI blood and explosions were aggravating to watch but who I to complain as Stallone did it in Rambo.

The Expendables is a very movable objects meeting an unstoppable force. It's an entertaining movie but a bit boring. Here goes my last NBA analogy. Would I rather see the Heat destroy the Clippers by 50 or see Kevin Durant and the Thunder plays a close game as he hits the game winner.

I'm picking the latter. Now where's my Crank 3 Jason Statham???


Rating:

1/2

Check out the "Call to Arms" trailer below!

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, arnold schwarenegger, dolph lundgren, jason statham, jet li, rambo, sylvester stallone, the expendables, the expendables trailer

Machete vs The Expendables: Which one will punch you in the face the hardest?

The latest Machete trailer came out today and it looks badass. In the battle of alpha male minds everywhere, we are going into full action porn mode when Machete will battle it out with The Expendables in a month or so.

These 2 mega giant rock em sock em movies won't go head to head. Mind you The Expendables comes out August 13th during peak summer movie time while Machete comes out September 3rd. But they are 2 of the biggest action flicks to come out this year.

So who has the edge? Let's break it down star by star and X Factors.

1.) Stallone vs Trejo
Edge: Stallone

Stallone is an icon and he can't be denied his legendary status. He has single handily kept the action movie alive by reincarnating his iconic characters Rocky and Rambo. Trejo has always been "That Guy" in movies but he's as badass as they come. I'm going with Stallone.

2.) Rodriguez/Alba vs Statham/Li
Edge: Rodriguez/Alba

As much as I bow down to the greatness of Jason Statham and Jet Li, you can't argue seeing Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in scantily clad tight leather shoot heavy artillery and blowing shit up as not being totally fuckin awesome. They're hot and they're kicking ass for Machete. Statham and Li can helm their own action franchises but seeing Rodriguez and Alba is enough to put them over the top. Yummy.

3.) Seagal vs Lundgren
Edge: Seagal

Sorry Dolph fans, but the pseudo Japanese Westerner gets the edge here because Seagal brings in the I'm overweight but I can use a Katana like no other mofo. Both are has been 80s stars but Seagal seems to get the slight edge as we last saw Lundgren with JCVD. Now if JCVD was in The Expendables, that would be a different story.

4.) Lindsay Lohan vs Terry Crews
Edge: Crews

In a few incoherent words....PA PA PA PA POWER!!!

5.) Marin vs Austin/Couture
Edge: Marin

Cheech Marin plays a priest turned killer. Plus if he says titty twister, I'm sold. It'll be interesting to see a wrestler and a MMA guy join the crew but Cheech is Cheech and he is fuckin hilarious.

6.) Don Johnson vs Eric Roberts
Edge: Johnson

Sure Eric Roberts was decent in the Dark Knight but seeing Don Johnson might be awesome for shits and giggles. Both were 80s stars and both are now way off the radar and will act for food. I hope they both die in their respective films.

7.) Robert DeNiro vs Mickey Rourke
Edge: Rourke

The battle of Oscar winners will bring class to both flicks but I have to with Rourke here based on the fact that somehow Mickey will totally overact in The Expendables somehow. It's too easy to have DeNiro play a corrupt Senator, shit I don't even know what Rourke's role is but my money is on demolition expert.

8.) Gratuitous Cameo Battle: McGowan/Savini vs Schwarzenegger/Willis
Edge: Schwarenegger/Willis

I love Rose McGowan and would automatically default to giving her the edge. It helps that we'll get to see Tom Savini as well in Machete. But c'mon now, Ah-nuld and John fuckin McClaine are cameo-ing in a Stallone flick and that is unprecedented. Without a doubt the cameo battle is won by these 2 legendary kings of action.

9.) Who will have more EXPLOSIONS?
Edge: The Expendables

Duh.

10.) Who will have more MACHETES?
Edge: Machete

Double Duh.

So after tallying everything up we've got:

• The Expendables: 5
  
• Machete: 5
  

It's a TIE!!

I can't deny I'm salivating for both movies. I really don't know which one is going to be better. But maybe you guys do. Which movie do you think will make you punch your fist through a wall?

For now, check out the trailers.

NEW MACHETE TRAILER!!!!

More Machete Videos

THE EXPENDABLES TRAILER!!!!

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, jason statham, jessica alba, jet li, machete, robert rodriguez, rose mcgowan, stallone, the expendables, the expendables trailer

The Expendables (Bootleg Trailer)

I have no idea how long this clip on YouTube will be up so watch the bootleg trailer of The Expendables as fast as you fuckin can before Lionsgate takes it down.

This is REAL. It's a teaser from the Venice Film Festival.

Categories: jason statham, jet li, stallone, the expendables, the expendables trailer

Merantau (Trailer)

Jason Statham. Tony Jaa. Move on over. Make room for the next uber action hero from Indonesia. His name?

Iko Uwais.

The film?

Merantau.

If the trailer is any indication of the martial arts chaos that will ensue in this movie, I am fuckin psyched. Lots of choreographed stunts and fight scenes that may have you going Ong what?

The new style is called Silat. Yeah I know, I haven't even heard of this martial arts form myself. But it looks mega fuckin instense.

Here be the plot....

In Minangkabau, West Sumatera, Yuda a skilled practitioner of Silat Harimau is in the final preparations to begin his "Merantau" a century's old rites-of-passage to be carried out by the community's young men that will see him leave the comforts of his idyllic farming village and make a name for himself in the bustling city of Jakarta. After a series of setbacks leave Yuda homeless and uncertain about his new future, a chance encounter results in him defending the orphaned Astri from becoming the latest victim of a European human trafficking ring led by the wildly psychotic, Ratger and his right-hand man Lars. With Ratger injured in the mêlée and seeking both his "merchandise" and bloody retribution, Yuda's introduction to this bustling city is a baptism of fire as he is forced to go on the run with Astri and her younger brother Adit as all the pimps and gangsters that inhabit the night hound the streets chasing their every step. With escape seemingly beyond their grasp, Yuda has no choice but to face his attackers in an adrenaline charged, jaw-dropping finale.

Check out the trailer below.






Also, Twitch has a high resolution trailer you can check out too. Thanks to Twitch for the heads up.

Merantau is scheduled to be released August 6th in Indonesia. The bootleg/torrent copy comes out on August 7th. :-P

Categories: Iko Uwais, indonesia action movie, jason statham, merantau, merantau trailer, ong bak, silat, tony jaa

Fuck you Chev Chelios! (My thoughts on Crank 2)

X marks the spots

Look at Amy Smart's titties. You looking? Yeah you are you fuckin alpha male you.

I saw Crank 2 last week and it blew me away. Shit was better than Crank. I'm not going to review it as it's nutzoid to even review. I mean if you haven't seen it, stop whatever your doing and see this shit.

It's filled with comic book ultraviolence, loads of titties and boobies, crazy shootouts, stereotypical gang members from every race and Jason fuckin Statham.

What more do you need?

Fuck more boobies? Really? Those up there weren't enough? You wanna see a hot babe with guns? You got it motherfucker.

Hot Asian babe with guns

Damn you all are hard to please. This is a guy's guy movie. So much testosterone you can make Grade A steroids from. I can only describe the awesomeness of Crank 2 in disjointed grunt phrases which if you've seen the movie you'll get.

Here are the 20 things I love about this movie.

1.) Fuck you Chev Chelios!
2.) The doc's black momma
3.) Amy mounts the horses
4.) Bai Ling's broken english
5.) Severed hombre cabeza
6.) Young Chev
7.) Carradine in racist Chinese makeup
8.) Gratuitous porn star cameos (Jenna Haze, Ron Jeremy, Lexington Steele)
9.) Lloyd Kauffman cameo
10.) Every scene where Chev needs a jump
11.) Chev fucks up a social club
12.) Chev fucks up a strip club
13.) Chev statics up the granny
14.) What the fuck was in the cooler?
15.) Gratuitous big head fight scene
16.) The video game intro
17.) The diagram showing us how Chev's artificial heart works
18.) The dog collar
19.) The mental case from the first flick
20.) The gun up the dude's anus

There are so many other scenes in this flick that I'm forgetting but shit, for 85 minutes I was fuckin riled and revved.

Be sure to stay thru the credits as their are final final scenes of our man Chev. And their are hilarious outtakes at the end.

FUCK YOU CHEV CHELIOS!!!

Go see this movie, please.

The fuckin hilarious trailer is below. It's Red band mofo!

Categories: amy smart, amy smart naked, bai ling, crank, crank 2, crank 2 trailer, jason statham