The WTF List: The Expendables 2

It's all about the Van Damme. Insano Steve and I saw The Expendables 2 first day it came out and clearly I was here for the Van Damme show. I openly rooted for Jean Claude. When he first came on screen, I applauded and howled my ass off. Oh man did he try to act. Some monologue about respect, uranium and fighting like a man.

The other jabronis gave a big cheer to that punk Texas Ranger. I was spinkicking my way to happiness when Jean Villain made his appearance on the screen. The Expendables 2 is more of the same old murder death kills by our gang of happy go lucky mercenaries but what part 1 lacked in a bad guy is made up into pure unadulterated awesomeness with Van Damme.

Onto the WTF List (pretty much Jean Claude edition)

1.) They kill all of Mongolia
2.) Cue Arnold cameo
3.) Cue Bruce cameo
4.) Holy shit, JCVD's got his own Bulgarian gang!
5.) Have you noticed all action movies now are filmed in Bulgaria? Bulgaria, where life is cheap, sets can be built by slave labor and the extras playing soldiers actually died while filming
6.) Scott Adkins is now forever is JCVD's action BFF 
7.) OMG...yeah you saw JCVD spinkick a knife into Chris Hemsworth!!! Fuck yeah!
8.) Van Damme's acting is like hearing two squirrels fuck. It's horrible, makes no sense and he clearly he has no idea what he's actually saying. But it's funny as fuck.
9.) Dolph is actually playing himself...just an FYI
10.) I mean Jean Villain just wants to be a rich as fuck motherfucker. At least he's only using men for the slave labor
11.) This is an actual line: "I have people who are willing to pay ten billion dollars for that plutonium in the mine. Three days." (really 10 billion dollars for plutonium? Couldn't you trick some Libyans by giving them pinball machine parts?)
12.) I'll admit, the Chuck Norris joke was funny.
13.) The Arnold/Bruce ambiguously alpha male duo was solid
14.) Stallone vs Van Damme: I counted 2 spinkicks from JCVD. Where was the Dim Mak? Make him say "matte" JCVD!
14a.) Every Stallone fight scene resembles the final scene from Demolition Man
15.) Van Damme kinda dies like a pussy
16.) Something guns, something punching, something pa pa pa power!
17.) The Couture ear jokes were corny
18.) Hot asian chick should have been played by Jamie Chung. Every hot asian chick should be played by Jamie Chung
19.) At least Statham got to throw some knives
20.) Next super team: Jackie Chan, Scott Speedman and Michael Dudikoff

What did you all think of The Expendables 2?

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, arnold schwarenegger, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, spinkicks, stallone, sylvester stallone, the expendables, van damme

Machete vs The Expendables: Which one will punch you in the face the hardest?

The latest Machete trailer came out today and it looks badass. In the battle of alpha male minds everywhere, we are going into full action porn mode when Machete will battle it out with The Expendables in a month or so.

These 2 mega giant rock em sock em movies won't go head to head. Mind you The Expendables comes out August 13th during peak summer movie time while Machete comes out September 3rd. But they are 2 of the biggest action flicks to come out this year.

So who has the edge? Let's break it down star by star and X Factors.

1.) Stallone vs Trejo
Edge: Stallone

Stallone is an icon and he can't be denied his legendary status. He has single handily kept the action movie alive by reincarnating his iconic characters Rocky and Rambo. Trejo has always been "That Guy" in movies but he's as badass as they come. I'm going with Stallone.

2.) Rodriguez/Alba vs Statham/Li
Edge: Rodriguez/Alba

As much as I bow down to the greatness of Jason Statham and Jet Li, you can't argue seeing Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in scantily clad tight leather shoot heavy artillery and blowing shit up as not being totally fuckin awesome. They're hot and they're kicking ass for Machete. Statham and Li can helm their own action franchises but seeing Rodriguez and Alba is enough to put them over the top. Yummy.

3.) Seagal vs Lundgren
Edge: Seagal

Sorry Dolph fans, but the pseudo Japanese Westerner gets the edge here because Seagal brings in the I'm overweight but I can use a Katana like no other mofo. Both are has been 80s stars but Seagal seems to get the slight edge as we last saw Lundgren with JCVD. Now if JCVD was in The Expendables, that would be a different story.

4.) Lindsay Lohan vs Terry Crews
Edge: Crews

In a few incoherent words....PA PA PA PA POWER!!!

5.) Marin vs Austin/Couture
Edge: Marin

Cheech Marin plays a priest turned killer. Plus if he says titty twister, I'm sold. It'll be interesting to see a wrestler and a MMA guy join the crew but Cheech is Cheech and he is fuckin hilarious.

6.) Don Johnson vs Eric Roberts
Edge: Johnson

Sure Eric Roberts was decent in the Dark Knight but seeing Don Johnson might be awesome for shits and giggles. Both were 80s stars and both are now way off the radar and will act for food. I hope they both die in their respective films.

7.) Robert DeNiro vs Mickey Rourke
Edge: Rourke

The battle of Oscar winners will bring class to both flicks but I have to with Rourke here based on the fact that somehow Mickey will totally overact in The Expendables somehow. It's too easy to have DeNiro play a corrupt Senator, shit I don't even know what Rourke's role is but my money is on demolition expert.

8.) Gratuitous Cameo Battle: McGowan/Savini vs Schwarzenegger/Willis
Edge: Schwarenegger/Willis

I love Rose McGowan and would automatically default to giving her the edge. It helps that we'll get to see Tom Savini as well in Machete. But c'mon now, Ah-nuld and John fuckin McClaine are cameo-ing in a Stallone flick and that is unprecedented. Without a doubt the cameo battle is won by these 2 legendary kings of action.

9.) Who will have more EXPLOSIONS?
Edge: The Expendables

Duh.

10.) Who will have more MACHETES?
Edge: Machete

Double Duh.

So after tallying everything up we've got:

• The Expendables: 5
  
• Machete: 5
  

It's a TIE!!

I can't deny I'm salivating for both movies. I really don't know which one is going to be better. But maybe you guys do. Which movie do you think will make you punch your fist through a wall?

For now, check out the trailers.

NEW MACHETE TRAILER!!!!

More Machete Videos

THE EXPENDABLES TRAILER!!!!

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, jason statham, jessica alba, jet li, machete, robert rodriguez, rose mcgowan, stallone, the expendables, the expendables trailer

The Expendables (Bootleg Trailer)

I have no idea how long this clip on YouTube will be up so watch the bootleg trailer of The Expendables as fast as you fuckin can before Lionsgate takes it down.

This is REAL. It's a teaser from the Venice Film Festival.

Categories: jason statham, jet li, stallone, the expendables, the expendables trailer