Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Born (A ScreenShot Review with 20% nudity!)


Born (2007)

Directed by Richard Friedman

Look what I got for free at work! Probably the worst screener in the history of screeners.

Born is some sort of Rosemary's Baby straight to DVD ripoff. It stars Alison Brie from Mad Men (I've never watched this show) and Kane fuckin Hodder.

In all honesty, I knew I wouldn't be able to come up with a regular review so I am going to attempt my first picture plus funny comment review. I've seen a lot of picture reviews on other horror blogs but I've never actually tried it before. This should be quite enjoyable for you and for me.

Seriously, don't worry. Go ahead and read the post. You're never going to see this movie...ever. And you really wouldn't want to.

So without further ado, here we go. Some the pics are NSFW!!!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Mary Elizabeth goes to bed alone one night, still a 21 year old virgin, and wakes up the next morning...pregnant. Possessed by the demon fetus growing within her womb, Mary Elizabeth obeys her homicidal cravings to kill...for the sake of her unborn spawn. Mary Elizabeth's dark transformation, controlled by her unborn demon child, is driven by it's dark cravings. Once the child is born there will be hell on earth. From this apparent immaculate conception comes edge of your seat terror.

Awesome Picture Review-O-Matic

Look! It's Kane Hodder looking like he just got out of prison
(he just told a psychiatrist he's a demon) Good one Kane!

Meet the family. Dad (seen here smoking) OMG Is that Denise Crosby! Yes it's Tasha freakin Yar! And there is our fearless virgin soon to be bearing a demon child, May Elizabeth. BTW her mommy died :-(

She's so distraught by her mommy's death, she starts seeing hot blondes in Victoria Secret lingere. I wish that would happen to me when I'm sad.

In the cemetary, she gets impregnated by demon lightning! Fake CGI lightning at that.

After her lightning sex, she's rescued by a crazy albino that looks like Dr. Evil. Lets call him Evil Albino guy.

Insert gratuitous nudity. Look its stunt double boobies!

Holy twinkies! Mary Elizabeth just woke up pregnant...right her sis Catherine tries to drown her in the tub. I think that happened in Juno too.

Here her dad goes all gynecology on his daughter.In some states this is illegal.

In order to feed her demon child, she has to go all killer insane. In this scene, the little tyke wants a closeup look as mommy electrocutes some poor schmuck. I saw this same thing happen on Jon and Kate plus 8.

Wow she's totally evil now. She even decaps and rips this poor guy's heart out. Good times.

It's bad enough with the fake CGI lightning but here they outdo themselves with a fake CGI sonogram. It's the cable access fetus channel!

What happens when you get a craving for a late night snack? Raven's blood of course! The late night snack of the netherworld.

Soon after, Mary Elizabeth goes all Natasha Henstridge in Species and starts getting horny. She books a gigolo date and they go on a extreme grunt-a-thon. If you're a Deuce Bigalow, I think you should avoid servicing pregnant demon chicks. It just leads to a loss of Mr. Willy.

So how do you top that? Add a lesbian scene of course. Seems Mary Elizabeth has been imprisoned in her house by her sister and she decides to get her groove on with her friend.

But that of course leads to kissing her baby bump which of course enables her demon kid to kill her by oral fixation. The best part is when they had horrible fake CGI blood come 3D-ing straight at the screen. George Lucas. Hire these guys immediately!

Oh that awesome sonogram machine. Check out baby demon smile. Isn't he the cutest little thing you ever did see. He's got mommy's eyes and daddy's horns and tail. Awwww. Coochie coo.

So after finding out she's carrying a devil spawn and battling the internal cravings to kill, she has her dad try to perform surgery to kill this unholy fetus. Doesn't it look like the baby devil spawn is taking a dump? A very satisfying #2.

"Yo wuz up grandpa? WTF homey, I wasn't ready to come out yet, you know what I'm sayin? Fuck y'all. I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass."

It's the twist! Catherine and Evil Albino are doing the bidding of Kane Hodder. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you if you've made it this far in reading this review. Your next purchase of any Raven's Blood is on me.

The hot, blonde Victoria Secret models are back.And now their naked! This is the epitome of gratuitous nudity.

This is an actual line from the movie uttered by Mr. Hodder: "I'm the torturer of the 13th level of hell. I fuck with people. That's what I do."

Decapitated heads and pentagrams. You gotta love your Satanic rituals complete with nude models. So 80s! The heads also start talking for no apparent reason because that's normal.

Kane Hodder starts to bleed inexplicably for no reason. Seems the psychiatrist was the devil and took the baby to be the anti-Christ. Seriously it doesn't really matter.

Let's look at the blonde, nude models holding a baby to end this. Seems only appropriate.

Well that's it. Born was the perfect movie to make fun of. Has been stars, over the top acting (Alison Brie talking to herself as she played good Mary vs evil demon baby is freakin hilarious) and one of the worst CGI I have ever seen.

Denise Crosby will act for food. So will Kane Hodder. If MST3K was still around, this would be perfect (ahem Rifftrax anyone?). Also it was 147 minutes long. Jeezus, it takes that long to have a baby on film??

The worst part is at the end of the movie they hinted towards a sequel!

Well I hope you enjoyed my first picture review. I'm sure there will be more of these in the future if I can get my hands on some B movies to review. Born should have never been born. But it was, so at least this awesome review came out of it. Coochie coo.

0 Spinkicks

If these picture snapshots weren't enough for you check out the trailer below.

1 comment:

  1. YES! Thank you for this! This form of review is the only way to even begin to convey the terribleness of Born. Horrendous CGI. Atrocious acting. I'm sorry you went through this movie, too.