Happy Thanksgiving from The Jaded Viewer

Happy Turkey Day! I'd like to take today to thank all the new jaded viewers who've been following this blog the JV Facebook page and via Twitter. Reading your comments, e-mails, messages and interacting with people who have the same passion about horror and the oddball palette of stuff I like has been fun the last year or so.

I'll continue to keep writing about things I think you'll enjoy and review the horror movies that don't get the buzz they deserve. New jaded viewers will like to know my Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough is now live so be sure to check it out. I'll also have another walkthrough up next week via some different perspectives.

Also here is a letter I wrote for you poor souls waiting on line on Black Friday. Now remember kids, as you eat turkey and pie that there is always an other side of the story. Wednesday Addams says it best.

Categories: happy holidays, happy thanksgiving, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Interview with Stuff Monsters Like

It's rare that I get asked to talk about myself and my blog. But when I do, it's an honor and I will go out of my way to make it as fun as possible. So when the awesome-tastic site Stuff Monsters Like asked me to do a celebrity interview, I said "Who's the celebrity? Wait you mean me?"

So I obliged and answered the questions in only the way I can...by being all around goofy. Check out the interview and read my thoughts on the state of horror, how the jaded viewer got started and which country makes the best horror movies. Plus I think I make a reference to porn. I'm pretty sure I do. Yup, tons of free porn.

• Check out my interview with Stuff Monsters Like
• Check out Stuff Monsters Like (they've got cool interviews and awesome reviews)
• Also check out their Facebook and Twitter pages

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, interview, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

The Jaded Viewer has been censored by the United States Government...

Learn about SOPA via the video below and contact your congressman or congresswoman letting them know you are against SOPA and PIPA. The Jaded Viewer and other sites rely on the flow and freedom of information to contribute to the lifeblood of the Internet. Any censorship by the government would discourage innovation and destroy creativity . Don't let this happen. Join in the protest and raise awareness.

Categories: free the internet, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, pipa, sopa, the jaded viewer

The Winner of The Jaded Viewer 2 DVD Giveaway is.....

Well because of the holidays, it took me a while to get back into jaded viewer mode. But I've finally picked a winner for the jaded viewer 2 DVD Giveaway.

Like I said previously, I'll be honest, I had no interest in reviewing these flicks. Looking at some reviews, they're not what you'd consider "kick ass awesome" or even "mediocrely average". Sure I could have watched them and probably created awesome mockery reviews but I'm going to hope the winner can do that for me.

So the winner of this giveaway is....

Kim K.!

Congrats Kim. Now can you write me a review? :-)

More giveaways to come so keep checking the Jaded Viewer Facebook page and follow me on Twitter.

Categories: giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

The Best Jaded Viewer Features of 2011 You May Have Missed

Sometimes throughout the year, I'll miss a damn good post by another horror blogger. It's hard to go back and see what good stuff has been written by them. I mean how will I ever get to read it if he or she doesn't tell me about it again?

Well I'm hoping you use this post to get to read some of my best features, reviews, lists and article I've written in 2011. Seriously, some of these are kinda hilarious if I say so myself. I re-read them and I'm kinda amazed I actually wrote it.

My favorites out of 2011 are my Half Moon review, the Sucker Punch photo blog, the Netflix vs VHS post, the Occupy Wall St/Romero article and when I reviewed Exit 33 starring Kane Hodder by parodying Rebecca Black's Friday.

I hope you get a kick out of these and LOL as you read them. Enjoy!

January

• My review of Half Moon which stars pornstar Tori Black where I count how many times I see either boobs, the moon or a wolf
• The Roommate: What the generic still photos actually tell us
• My predictions for 2011 weren't really accurate
• 2010 Top 10 horror movies

February

• The Time Life Books still creep me out!
• Insano Steve's The Roommate Review is pretty hilarious
• I stayed up until 1am for this? An Ode to the Spice Channel

March

• Sucker Punch Photos are Weapons of Mass Erections
• Top 5 Slice and Dice Dismemberment Death Scenes
  

April

• Horror Movie Alternate Endings You May Have Missed
• 10 Things the Netflix Generation could learn from the VHS Generation
• April Fools Joke 2011: WTF!?? OMG?? Did somebody send me a Snuff video?!??!

May

• A Disoriented Recollection of NYC Haunted House (Spring Edition)
• Beach Spike Trailer shows us Hong Kong is just as shallow as America
• Pornstars in horror films: Yay or Nay?
• The WTF Films of Filipino Exploitation
• Loading Cartoon Internet Memes circa early 2000's.........

June

• Congrats! You're a Horror Blogger....now what?

July

• A Picture review of Bloodrayne: The Third Reich
• The WTF List: Sucker Punch (trust me it's pretty good)
  

August

• 3 Pairs of Arnold Schwarzenegger Films that are Unintentionally Connected
• 5 Social Media Sites that would reinvent the horror movie
• 5 Horror Movies Hollywood will NEVER remake (because they don't know how to)
• Exit 33 Review (I review this movie by parodying Rebecca Black's Friday and via tweets from other horror bloggers)
  

September

• Insano Steve's review of The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

October

• Your Guide to the best NYC Haunted Houses (all my haunted house reviews)
  
• Savage Review (it's a really bad werewolf movie)
• Occupy Wall Street echoes Romero's Land of the Dead
  

November

• The Walking Dead is Lost but with Zombies
• The 10 Best Scenes from EuroTrip

December

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2011
• Final Girl's Bloggenaire: The Jaded Viewer (a lost Q&A interview with yours truly)
  

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2011

It's that time of year again where I go through all the crappy and mediocre movies I've seen and give you my best witty jabs from each review. Everybody has their worst of 2011 lists. But as I try to AVOID bad films, sometimes I'm lucky enough to not have seen any of the garbage. But when I really hate a film, I'll admit, it turns into awesome funny reviews.

So enjoy some quote snippets from the crap chunks of movies I saw that made me smash a few walls with my head....yet again,

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"The Anniversary at Shallow Creek is full of countless cliches, ranging from 1st person camera creeping in shots to loud BA BOOM! sounds to get you to jump. It didn't have a mirror scare but get this, no cell coverage is replaced with the fact they couldn't even find their cell phones!"

-from The Anniversary at Shallow Creek review

"Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place."

-from Bloodrayne: The Third Reich review

"The ending is completely out of leftfield. Hell I think it's out of the 20 yard line. Come to think of it, I had no idea what sport I was watching. The movie spun out of control and ended up being one long scene of boring."

-from Bleading Lady review

"Closed for a Season is a 2 hour (!) pseudo horror film that potentially could have been a scary flick with an abandoned amusement park as it's backdrop but they didn't put in a ride for the audience to scare us at all. And the purpose of the awesome rides like roller coasters is to get a fright and thrill for 2 minutes. That's a helluva rush. Instead we get a ferris wheel (which is our maxed out conclusion, how appropriate) and the viewer has ridden a ride of a film that did absolutely nothing.....That's just freakin boring."

-from Closed for a Season review

"The fact that I could watch YouTube FAIL videos while I watched this flick shows how long these boring scenes were. I'll admit, I've got American ADD and it's not my style to watch long drawn out scenes that set up a BOOO! scare. But even the scares were like flat soda."

-from The Coffin review

It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin

-from Exit 33 review (where I use Rebecca Black's Friday to create a parody lyrical review of this film, click on the link to read all the lyrics)

"OK I've watched a few women scorn movies but I'm no expert. I tend to use logic like an alpha male and start asking pesky questions. Call the police? Why wasn't this an option? I've seen my share of Law and Order: SVU and clearly the police can arrest somebody and convict them in an hour."

-from Fatal Secrets review

"If you think watching this film is the equivalent of reading Mary Shelly's book, you'd be wrong. Very wrong."

from The Frankenstein Syndrome review

"Fright Flick is campy and corny and jokey...like Jokey Smurf. Sure the explosion in a gift gag is funny the first 3 times but after a while you want Gargamel to eat that motherfucker. We carefully encounter a reveal which can be easily figured out using your standard Sherlock Holmes detective manual."

-from Fright Flick review

"Wolf dude tells TB about his life and he is lonely. Score! TB falls for it and they get into the lovemaking. It's a love scene but Tori Black makes it seem like she's on the 5th hour of a gangbang orgy."

-from Half Moon review (starring pornstar Tori Black and also where I count how many times the movie shows either boobs, the moon or a werewolf)

"The Human Centipede 2 is a competitive horror viewing contest. The original was easy to stomach, participants easily digested everything they took in. But HC2 is seeing a dude eat beyond his capacity and then vomit it all up. Do you really want to see that shit?"

-from The Human Centipede 2 review

"Black and white might've been an attempt at art. This shit ain't art. This shit is shit."

-from Insano Steve's The Human Centipede 2 review

"What's left is a indie movie that's ambitiously slick for it's own good. I can buy that there are redneck sections of Canada, but government conspiracies and a town hiding one of helluva secret is a bit much. Director Brooks Hunter via the press release says the movie reflects his bipolar disorder and there are metaphors throughout. Clearly if I knew this I'd have probably seen a broken glass of milk as something other than a broken glass of milk. Sorry, I'm not that clever."

-from Kenneyville review

"The film itself is a miragy mix of Harmony Korine's early stuff and it's just plain boring. Add in the visual nausea and the meanderings of dialogue (and bad acting) it's a milkshake of nonsense."

-from My Name is A by Anonymous review

"The dialogue is clever but the actors don't seem to have the comedic timing I was hoping for. Sure you'll get a chuckle on a few one liners but mostly it's a rushed indie blockbuster film with lots of ambition. The movie was made in some dude's house (maybe without their knowledge!) and their isn't a lick of gratuitous nudity (well somebody was gonna ask)"

-from Ninjas vs Vampires review

"All in all, The Poughkeepsie Tapes is Dowdle's grand attempt to cash in on the mockumentary and found footage craze at the same time. I think if I had seen this in 2008 I would have called it "revolutionary" and "creepy scary". But in 2011, I'll say it is revolutionary and creepy scary but I'll add in one more thing. "Cheaply dated"."

from The Poughkeepsie Tapes review

5.) I've tasted human blood and it kinda tastes like purple drink. Why can't these creatures just buy some purple drink from the local 99 cents store instead of murdering innocent mall shopping teens?

I like purple drink too. Next thing you know purple drink gonna be sold at Hot Topic and mass marketed to suburban kids everywhere. Gone will be the days where people enjoyed the novelty of purple drink as a cheap, watered down grape tasting beverage. What was your question again?

-from Prowl review

"The thing about a film that tries too hard, is well it tries too hard. Respire treads on so many horror genres, it felt like like a movie montage."

-from Respire review

"I knew from the moment I first saw the trailer for “The Roommate”, that it was a must-see movie (not necessarily a must-pay-to-see). As a bad movie connoisseur, I was pleased when this film received less than 10% positive reviews. Comically bad acting and incoherent plots are what I’m all about.....The Roommate definitely delivered the bad movie I was hoping for."

-from Insano Steve's The Roommate review

"Savage makes a SyFy original movie look like a Hollywood blockbuster. It's not only that the characters are boring, the plot is laughable or Bigfoot is clearly taking HGH. It's that the movie is filled with scenes of people talking about a plot and subplots I didn't care about. I believe it was something about some forest fire, shady real estate deals, an armed robbery and a pregnant woman......All I cared about was seeing a vicious Bigfoot killing and eating campers. And even that sucked."

-from Savage review

"We've all seen mice experiments before and you know eventually it'll get to the cheesy middle. It's how the maze is conceived is what makes it exciting. And Shellter has an interesting way to get there but your going to go on a lot of dead ends before you get there."

-from Shellter review

"I don't get it....Every other reviewer seems to think this was a creative and unique take on the old Romanian legend that spawned the vampire. Maybe I have ADD and can't stand long, boring scenes of nothing. Maybe I don't get the humor in this. Maybe I don't understand why Romanians speak English. Maybe I don't get the fact the film is goofing around with a generational gap.....Maybe I just don't get this flick. "

-from Strigoi review

"It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to."

-from Sweatshop review

"The entire film COULD and I stress could have been awesome. A horror comedy that relaxes the viewer, a ghost story that gets them edgy and a creature feature that gives you the sexual willies. But the first 2 never really got into the final story and by the end, you're not expecting much. Slices of Life is an unfired firework, ready to explode but nobody lit the fuse. Instead we're given sparklers and told "Have a good time kids!"."

-from 3 Slices of Life review

"I'm also a big Jamie Chung fan. I have no idea who Abbie Cornish is. And I have indeed seen Vanessa Hudgens naked."

"So the "dances" are actually the action scenes. Clearly OLD ME understands this film concept but TWEEN ME can't get enough of seeing Emily Browning do backflips and Jena Malone shooting a gun that weighs more than her."

-from Sucker Punch WTF List review

"I mean at times this movie got boring...I could only imagine what real ballet is like."

"This is like when Hogan went from the yellow and red to the black and white."

"Mila's been busted open!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!"

-from Black Swan WTF List review

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Also check out my previous year editions of The Best Quotey Quotables!

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2010

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009

What's your worst horror movie of 2011? Got any quotey quotables you want to add from some not so good movies this year? Comment away!

Categories: 2011 horror movies, bloodrayne, jadedviewer, kane hodder, the human centipede, the jaded viewer, the roommate, uwe boll, worst movies of 2011

Contest: Win 2 tickets to Nightmare: The Experiment!!!

Tis the season to be fearful, fa la la la la, la la la.

Well after having attended Nightmare (Before Christmas) The Experiment, I got a good dose of fear, humor and had tons of fun seeing others cringe. It's a great show and the audience definitely gets their money worth participating in this one of a kind show.

Partnering with Nightmare: New York, I'm giving the gift of fear by having a contest to win TWO (2) tickets to Nightmare: The Experiment on 12/22 (Thursday). The contest will run from today to 12/20 (Tuesday).

What do you need to do to win?

***Tell me the most embarrassing or craziest story where you had to face your worst fear.***

Based on creativity, humor and triumph (and a combination of all 3), I'll pick the best story. The first fear you'll have to overcome is telling this story to the Internet.

I'll pick the winner on Wednesday 12/21 and you'll get to experience The Experiment for yourself! You can enter in the following ways:

1.) Through a comment on THIS POST

2.) Via Facebook on the jaded viewer page

3.) Via Facebook on Nightmare New York's page (make sure to tag the jaded viewer Facebook page)

4.) Via Twitter (@jadedviewer and @NightmareNYC)

5.) E-mail jadedviewers at yahoo dot com

**Be sure to include your e-mail address as well if you enter via comment**

If you win via Facebook, please contact me from the e-mail address above for further instructions. If on Twitter, I'll DM you.

From the official site, here's the info about this new holiday haunt.

Psycho Clan, producers of NIGHTMARE, New York’s most horrifying haunted house and AOL CityGuide’s No. 1 rated haunted attraction in NYC have announced that they will expand the sensory assaulting theatre experience THE EXPERIMENT into an off–Broadway run on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. A special holiday version of NIGHTMARE (BEFORE CHRISTMAS): THE EXPERIMENT will run December 9 through December 23, 2011 at Los Kabayitos Laboratorio at the Clemente Soto Velez Cultural Center, 107 Suffolk Street between Rivington and Delancey.

Studies have shown that the anxiety of the holiday season, coupled with seasonal depression, heightens the neurotransmitters associated with feelings of fear. The Psycho Clan experimental division plans on exploiting those levels of fear for an adrenaline rushing 50 minutes of twisted holiday pleasure, with NIGHTMARE (BEFORE CHRISTMAS): THE EXPERIMENT. The event was originally part of this year’s haunted house as a second attraction, but due to its popularity, has been expanded and will return for a horrifying Christmas spectacular that’s able to amplify what it did in its previous installment and experiment on the whole audience in a terrifying (and entertaining) examination into the limits of fear.

“Christmas is supposed to be a joyful time. For too many, it just isn’t. If you don’t always feel joy during the holidays, a good scare will trigger those senses,” says Co-Director Timothy Haskell. “The same endorphins that are released during moments of joy and pleasure are the same ones coursing through your nervous system during times of great fright. So let fear ignite your holiday spirit!”

The Experiment runs from Dec 9th to Dec 23rd. Tickets are $20 and showtimes run at 7pm, 8pm and 9pm. The haunt lasts about 50 minutes or so.

You can purchase tickets here.

Check out the trailer!

Categories: contest, giveaway, haunted house, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, new york city, nightmare fairy tales, nightmare superstitions, nightmare vampires, nyc haunted house, the jaded viewer

Final Girl's Bloggenaire: The Jaded Viewer

Searching through my jaded viewer folder, I discovered an interview I did a while back for Stacie Ponder, who runs the awesome blog Final Girl. She started an interview feature where she sent all of us horror bloggers 23 questions to answer and she'd post the Q&A up on her site so others could discover new horror blogs. Well it looks like I didn't make the cut as the "bloggernaire" abruptly ended in the summer of 2010 and I never got posted.

Crap.

Well after reading my answers (they're fuckin awesome BTW) I figure I'd share my responses with all of you. I figure you should know more about me and if this were posted on Final Girl it would have helped my horror blogger cred. I'm sure Stacie would have posted my Q&A eventually so it's all good in any case. At least now I got a pre-packaged interview for you to read up. Hey, it's still an honor sorta being part of "The Bloggenaire"!

I also just got interviewed by Stuff Monsters Like and their interview (hopefully) will be posted in late January of next year. Cool beans all around. Well here is the jaded viewer's bloggernaire. Enjoy!

***************************************************************

Your name: Jeff
Your blog's name / URL: The Jaded Viewer (http://www.jadedviewer.com)

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

My friend and I use to trade movies back in the old Internet days. So in order to entice more trades, we started reviewing the movies we had in both our collections. Most of our reviews were nonsensical, whimsical and very incoherent. But they were very very funny.

I wanted to share my reviews with everyone, hoping they’d get a chuckle and half out of them. As the blog evolved, my posts became my mindless thoughts on anything horror related.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

What’s the jaded viewer other than a morbid parking space on the internet? It’s got electromagnetic posts of fun, a lost aesthetic of all that is wicked and free popcorn for the first 500 visitors. And porn without the nudity.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

Bad movies fall into my “they’re so bad, I can MST3K them” which turns a bad apples into apple sauce. When you can make fun of a movie with help from friends, nothing can be scratch your eyeballs bad.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Thank the Feebles, Peter Jackson can obliterate these creatures with an RPG.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Fulci’s Zombi 2. You’d think after my 1,234,678th viewing of zombie vs. shark it’d get kinda boring. If only Fulci made the shark suffer some ocular trauma I’d be in ecstasy.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

My most recent Adrienne Barbeau sighting was seeing her in the awesome short Alice Jacobs is Dead. She was absolutely stellar playing a sick human to zombie wife.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

It chops, it can be used to keep you warm and it’s been described as LOLs, WTFs!??!, OMGs and WOW! What is this product that can do so much but cost a fortune? It’s The Jaded Viewer! Reviews of your favorite mainstreaminess with a few indie horror mixed in. And if you call now you won’t just get reviews, we’ll even include Lists (who doesn’t love lists?), exclusive shorts and pictures of horror hotties that are banned in Utah. Did I forget to mention it’s made out of 100% recyclable material? Are you ready to order?

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

He totally won the lottery and got a degree in engineering from the University of Phoenix. Also, he’s enslaved elves to help him build those traps. Super smart, college educated elves.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

It’s gotta be C. There hasn’t been a C in like forever. In any case, most horror is watched with social aspect whereas most of society’s social mores are thrown into a tailspin. We don’t usually see a slasher or monsters in our normal, everyday boring lives and seeing these as entertainment make us all experience something together that draws on all our common fears. Deviant entertainment is only deviant to the ones doing the labeling. To the horror fan, it’s a Friday night.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981. Two movies: Evil Dead and Cannibal Ferox.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

I know right? For the last 2 years I’ve picked Martyrs and Inside as my best horror movies of the year. Our biased American assumption that the French are sniveling cowards who drink lots of wine and eat croissants is sadly untrue. They are actually a people bent on taking over the world through horror cinema. Subliminal horror movies that tell us to CONSUME and BREED. You know what I’m getting at right?

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Gremlins 2. Oh those silly gremlins!

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

Trick question! Rob Zombie didn’t actually direct Halloween. It was Uwe Boll.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

Funeral? That’s so 2004. I’m getting myself cryogenically frozen.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

I think it’s the same feeling I have for Jean Claude Van Damme. Insert dancing Van Damme animated gif here.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

“Yo Glinda, Imma let you finish, but Hermione Granger had one of the best boat crashes of the year.”

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

No worries. I’ve had multiple blogicide attempts over the last year.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Tyler Durden….is that you?

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Totally happy. After he escaped from the unkillable slasher, I heard he got a college education, opened up a car wash franchise and married the hot high school cheerleader he had a crush on.

And abruptly died from a massive coronary after eating at a Carl’s Jr. Hahaha sucker!

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

80s. The birth of the horror franchise.

21) Would you rather be:
1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Vampires sparkle. Being a witch/warlock seems to involve lots of memorization, werewolves are hairy, Frankensteins are too slow… That leaves a Jaws. Who wouldn’t wanna be a motherf*ckin shark?

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

Stacie, it’s time you learned the truth. I'm from the future. I came here in a time machine that I invented and tomorrow I have to go back to the year 1985.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

My rating system is based on Van Damme spinkicks. I also tend to write my reviews in an FAQ style which on occasion turns out quite hilarious. Also, I have a running joke where if a quote from a review I’ve written appears on the back of a DVD box, I will immediately terminate the blog.

I’m serious. OK maybe 30% serious.

EXTRA CREDIT! You can ask me a question, if you want to.

So now that you’re super famous, can we expect a reality show following your exploits?

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Is there anything else you want to know about me? I guess leave your question in the comments and I'll take a crack at it. And to answer your first question, it's front to back.

Categories: final girl, horror blogging, interview, jadedviewer, the jaded viewer

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: Savage County and Ferocious Planet DVDs!

It's my final jaded viewer horror giveaway for 2011! As it's my last giveaway of the year, we're going out with both barrels loaded. If you win, you'll get not one, but TWO DVDs! I'll be honest, I had no interest in reviewing these flicks. Looking at some reviews, they're not what you'd consider "kick ass awesome" or even "mediocrely average". Sure I could have watched them and probably created awesome mockery reviews but I'm going to hope you can do that for me.

If you win, feel free to write up a review (be it a paragraph or more) after you watch the flick. Send it to me and I'll post it up!

So what do you need to do to enter?

Enter by leaving your name and e-mail address in the comments. On or around December 18th or so I'll randomly pick a winner. That's it.

If you can, be sure to "Like" the Jaded Viewer Facebook page, follow me on Twitter and be sure to spread the word on this contest on your Facebook walls, Google Plus circles and tweet it out.

Here are the trailers for these flicks.

Good luck!

Categories: giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

The Winner of The Jaded Viewer Giveaway: DVD of your choice is....

Thanks to all who participated in one of the worst ways to get rid of pretty horrible DVDs ever. I really couldn't promise you that any of these DVDs were good but whatever it's free right?

Fertile Ground, Savage County or Ferocious Planet. It's pretty bad when I'm not even willing to review any of these. Maybe you can review the DVD of your choice for me.

Well without further ado, you had a 1 in 10 chance of winning (10 people entered) and through a random drawing the winner is.....

Kris F. who also has a blog of his own www.sideshowreview.com

He has chosen Fertile Ground!

Congrats Kris! Feel free to review the movie.

New giveaways coming soon!

Categories: giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: DVD of your choice!!!

I'll be honest. This giveaway isn't going to be as awesome as The House of the Devil VHS Collectable. The 3 movies I was planning on giving away are pretty mediocre (some will say it sucks monkey balls) but hey it's free if you win right?

So for this giveaway, if you win you'll have a choice of which movie you want. I haven't seen any of these flicks. You can IMDB them for reviews. They are unopened and were saved from the trash bin. But one man's trash is another man's not trash right?

Enter by leaving your name and e-mail address in the comments. On or around October 12th or so I'll randomly pick a winner. That's it.

Here are the 3 movies you get to choose from.

1.) Ferocious Planet DVD (a SyFy Original Movie via Maneater Series)

the jaded viewer says: Stars Joe Flanigan and John Rhys-Davies. New copy of this SyFy original movie. Who knows what the plot is but I'm sure the flick has awesome CGI. Here's the trailer.




2.) Savage County DVD (via MTV New Media)

the jaded viewer says: I think the soundtrack may be better than the movie. Texas Chainsaw ripoff for sure for the MTV generation.

Trailer because you didn't ask for it.





3.) Fertile Ground (via After Dark Originals)

the jaded viewer says: I think the house doesn't like this big city couple too much. You know how I LOVE After Dark originals right?

Trailer because you want to see scenes that are way too dark.

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On a side note, the jaded viewer will be going on hiatus for a week or so. I'll be in Los Angeles for reasons well beyond my control. If you're a jaded viewer in LA, drop me a line via Facebook or Twitter and let me know any good food yum yum spots I should check out or not for tourists places to visit.

See ya when I get back!

Categories: after dark, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

The Winner of The Jaded Viewer Giveaway: The House of the Devil VHS is......

Thanks to all who participated in this giveaway. It was very interesting to read all your answers to who would be your celebrity babysitter for a night. I mentioned my babysitter would be Ellen Page who I think is super duper awesome. But check out the list below of who others picked to be their babysitter.

• Oprah
• Jean Claude Van Damme
• Jamie Lee Curtis (The ultimate babysitter.)
• Elvira
• Werner Herzog
• Emily Perkins
• Joe Bob Briggs
• Mila Kunis
• Hulk Hogan
• Julianne Moore
• Linnea Quigley
• Milla Jovovich
• Jocelin Donahue
• Quentin Tarantino
• Christopher Lee
• Vincent Cassel/Klaus Kinski
• John Goodman
• Falcor from The Neverending Story
• John Waters
• Edwige Fenech
• Kurt Russell
• Serj Tankian
• Jeff "The Dude" Bridges
• Alison Lohman
• Elijah Wood
  

A bunch of hotties, respected directors and actors and a wrestler. Clearly, we value a good conversation over eye candy.

As for the film, I reviewed this film a while ago. I gave it 2 spinkicks. I kind of liked Babysitter Wanted a little bit better but I can't be to harsh with this flick. I mean Ti West created a solid throwback babysitter horror nostalgia flick and put it out in VHS form which is uber cool to say the least.

The odd history of how I came to get this House of the Devil VHS clamshell was that my former dot com company moved offices and left a pile of goodies for us employees to pick up. Somehow, the editors left this beauty of a prize. I swooped it up and figured a true horror fan would enjoy this instead of it being in the trash.

Like I said. this VHS clamshell collectable is pretty awesome. It's just the clamshell and the VHS tape inside. Nothing else. But it's pretty damn cool if you have a VCR (which I don't). I always say it's best to give to those who do (....have a VCR...really? You have one? Kudos)

Well without further ado and via a random drawing (I assign every entry a random number and use random.org to pick the number) The Winner of The Jaded Viewer Giveaway: The House of the Devil VHS is......

Murphy who picked Edwige Fenech as the babysitter.

Congrats Murphy!

Thanks to all who participated in this contest. I have a few more DVDs to giveaway including Fertile Ground, Savage County and Ferocious Planet.

I should be putting up another giveaway in a few days. So check back here in a few.

Categories: contest, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the house of the devil, the house of the devil review, the jaded viewer

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: The House of the Devil Collectable Clamshell VHS

After a few weeks of voting, the most requested item for the giveaway was by far The House of the Devil VHS Collectable. It garnered 19 votes and I don't need any more time to make it the featured item in this jaded viewer giveaway.

I reviewed this film waaaaay back when. Babysitter meets the devil flick. I gave it 2 spinkicks. I kind of liked Babysitter Wanted a little bit better but I can't be to harsh with this flick. I mean Ti West created a solid throwback babysitter horror nostalgia flick and put it out in VHS form which is uber cool to say the least.

This VHS clamshell collectable is pretty awesome. It's just the clamshell and the VHS tape inside. Nothing else. But it's pretty damn cool if you have a VCR (which I don't). I always say it's best to give to those who do (....have a VCR...really? You have one? Kudos)

So what do you need to do to enter this giveaway? Simple. Leave your name and e-mail address and name a celebrity that you want to be your babysitter for one night.

I'll get it started and say I'd love my babysitter to be Ellen Page. (Ahhh you thought I'd go with the sexy bombshell nymph didn't you?) I figure me and Ellen would just chill, eat some popcorn and watch some Canadian horror. And you know plank around the house. I hear she loves the planking.

Simple right? At the end of August I'll randomly pick a name from all the entries and BOOM SHAKA LAKA, we got a winner. Well here's the trailer for The House of the Devil. Enter the giveaway via the comments!

Categories: contest, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the house of the devil, the house of the devil review, the jaded viewer

Congrats! You're a Horror Blogger....now what?

As a horror blogger, I've realized that being a blogger is quite different from being a horror journalist. (obviously) I'm pretty sure the guys at Bloody Disgusting, Dread Central and Fangoria get the best perks in the horror world. I'm not shorting the horror blogosphere. We also get some decent perks for being the soldiers in the intertubes horror community.

What I can say is I do enjoy the few perks I do get as a now established horror blog site. I'm sure there are blogs within the horror blogosphere that get tons of cool shit, being bigger than my little old site but I'm thankful everyday I get a few scraps from the horror world. So here are a few things I do get and also a list of things I WISH I could get.

I DO....get access to screeners for lots of indie horror movies.

I DON'T...get access to screeners for big budget Hollywood horror flicks (screw you Lion's Gate)

I DO...get to go to press screenings for some awesome indie horror and cult flicks.

I DON'T...get to go to any press screenings for see any mainstream horror flicks.

I DO...get some free stuff sent to me like books and DVDs.

I DON'T...get crazy novelty items or memorabilia.

I DO...get offered to go to press junkets for indie films.

I DON'T...go because I have no actual camera crew to film me interviewing these celebrities.

I DO...get to see some behind the scenes and trailers early before they get released to the public.

I DON'T...get invited to visit any movie sets or hang out with the filmmakers.

I DO...sometimes get to meet directors and actors/actresses in a non horror fest sorta way.

I DON'T...get to meet the horror scream queens I have huge crushes on.

I DO...get acknowledged by some horror icons via Twitter.

I DON'T....get acknowledged by some horror icons via Twitter.

I DO...get my reviews quoted in a trailer, poster and on official sites.

I DON'T...or should I say never have gotten a quote from one of my reviews on the back of a DVD box.

I DO...get to go to cool haunted houses for free to review them.

I DON'T...get to go to any film festivals because my site isn't big enough to warrant a press pass.

And finally....

I DO...get a few people reading my blog and for that I'm thankful (thanks all!)

I DON'T...seem to win any awards for my Spinkicks Ratings system (ahem LAMB!)

*********************************************************************

If you want to do your own list...go right ahead. For you new horror bloggers out there, don't fret if you don't have tons of comments (I never do) or get tons of pageviews or whatever. Just focus on your content and write good and funny posts that you're proud of.

Some blogs post everyday, reblogging horror news of the day. What I do is try to make each one of my posts as creative, unique and insightful as I can. And above all, I try to make my fellow jaded viewers laugh.

I'm like the utility player of the horror blogosphere. You may never have heard of me but when you read some of my stuff, it makes an impact. So if your a new and up and coming horror blog, drop me a line and maybe I can get you some mileage on your blog.

Send me a link to your site via Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment and I'll feature your blog in a post. I plan on doing one a week throughout the summer.

As for my fellow horror bloggers, what secret perk do you want that you haven't gotten yet?

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, movie blogs, the jaded viewer

2011 LAMMY Awards: For Your Consideration

Well I've never won a LAMMY. I figure there is a first time for everything. So I'm putting my name in the hat to win one of these categories.

• Best Blog
• Funniest Writer
• Best Ratings System (It's freakin spinkicks!)
• Best Horror/Sci Fi Blog
• Best Movie Reviewer

There are tons of a great LAMB blogs but none have a ratings system based on Jean Claude Van Damme spinkicks. Hell if a movie deserves more than the maximum 4 spinkicks, it gets the Dim Mak aka "Death Touch". By giving this rating to a movie it becomes like 1000 times more lethal than it has ever been before. If I were to view it again, I'd die.

If you think I deserve any of the awards above, head over here and vote me in. Voting ends May 9th!

Thanks for your consideration!

Head over to the LAMB for some kick ass movie blogs.

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, large association of movie blogs, movie blogs, the jaded viewer

Random Poll: Which "food" dish would you eat if you were having dinner at Pankot Palace?

After USA aired Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for like the 500th time last weekend, I decided to watch it again. And for like the 1000th time I saw the infamous dinner scene. It's so funny on so many levels.

I love Short Round's reaction to everything.

So this leads to a random jaded viewer poll.

Which "food" dish would you eat if you were having dinner at Pankot Palace? As you can see in the poll to in the right nav bar, there is no "I wouldn't eat anything!" option.

Pick your least disgusting dish!

Here's the scene again to refresh your memory.

Categories: indiana jones, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

The Deadneks - Trilogy of Terror Giveaway Winners are....

Thanks to all who participated in this Jaded Viewer giveaway. We'll have plenty of other giveaways soon so keep checking back here. I'd also like to thank Charlie Ruckus for providing the DVDs for this giveaway. Say thanks by following him on Twitter @ruckusprod and checking out the official site.

The lucky winners are C.C. Sardonicus and Mike Little. Congrats to both of you!

Even though you may not have won, check out my review of The Deadneks - Trilogy of Terror for The Shortound. If you wanna still check out this 27 minute grindhouse short head over to Ruckus Productions to order it for only $10.

The Deadneks - Trilogy of Blood features the psychobilly music of The Deadneks as it mixes a music video and mini exploitation homage as 3 city girls wind up in Bumfuck Hillbilly USA.

Here be the plot:

When a trio of sexy city gals picks up a broken-down hillbilly in the backwoods of Virginia – the three kittens get A LOT more than they bargained for when they accept the drifter’s invitation to a down-home barbecue. What these lovely ladies don’t know just may hurt ‘em – when they find that the menu of this hayseed hoe-down isn’t the standard ‘burgers and dogs’…

Check out the trailer below to see what the film is all about.

Categories: giveaway, horror giveaway, horror short, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer, the shortround

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: Win The Deadneks - Trilogy of Terror on DVD!

A few days ago, I reviewed The Deadneks - Trilogy of Terror for The Shortound.

It's a 27 minute grindhouse short via Ruckus Productions. The Deadneks - Trilogy of Blood features the psychobilly music of The Deadneks as it mixes a music video and mini exploitation homage as 3 city girls wind up in Bumfuck Hillbilly USA.

Here be the plot:

When a trio of sexy city gals picks up a broken-down hillbilly in the backwoods of Virginia – the three kittens get A LOT more than they bargained for when they accept the drifter’s invitation to a down-home barbecue. What these lovely ladies don’t know just may hurt ‘em – when they find that the menu of this hayseed hoe-down isn’t the standard ‘burgers and dogs’…

Well I have 2 DVD copies of The Trilogy of Terror that I'm giving away. I'm not going to have you jump through a hoop this time to enter. All you need to do is leave your name and e-mail address in the comments and you'll be automatically entered. US only residents. At the end of the month, I'll randomly pick 2 winners.

That's it.

Thanks to Charlie Ruckus for providing the DVDs for this giveaway. Say thanks by following him on Twitter @ruckusprod and checking out the official site.

Check out the trailer below to see what the film is all about.

Categories: contest, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

The Buffy Comic Giveaway Contest Winner is....

I'd like to thank everyone who participated in The Jaded Viewer's Buffy Comic Giveaway! I can't believe I got so many entries to this contest when I was only expecting maybe a dozen or so. Obvious nobody got the list of Big Bads wrong (you're all so Xander smart!) but the puns were priceless and I shared a few of them in the comments on the original post. Be sure to check them out.

Here's a couple of my favorites based on the clip below.

Here's mine:
"I'd like a Double Medley Burger, small fries and a dusted vamp to go please"

And here are your punny puns.

"Every time I pull out the stake, they make with the shock and the awww. Maybe I really do need a nametag."

Vampire:" You fight like a barbarian you prissy little......." (death stab)

"One vampire stake, extra dusty."

"Got wood? I do....wait, that didn't come out right."

"Sorry, all out of A1."

"No neck-sucking on face-suckers for you."

*After defeating 3 vampires*
"Well that was the worst Foursome ever."

"Well that's it. 3 spikes and I'm out."

"Oh C'mon, these teenagers fooling around have more endurance than that!"

*pulls stake out* : "two company"
*stakes vamp* "Three's a crowd"

If you came up with a pun, you got an extra entry into the contest.

And finally a special thanks to Whedonesque for the plug!

OK enough stalling. The winner of The Jaded Viewer Buffy Comic Giveaway Contest is.........

Chelsea from California!

Congrats Chelsea and thanks for participating. I'll be having more giveaways and I have another Buffy Comic Book to giveaway soon.

So check back real soon. Thanks to you all for making this an awesome contest!

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, comic books. graphic novels, comics, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, joss whedon, sarah michelle gellar, the jaded viewer, whedonesque

The Time Life Books still creep me out!

I've been pulling double duty in the blog world as I've been trying to get my new Tumblr blog: Who is that hot ad girl? off the ground. That blog is dedicated to finding out who unknown actresses are in TV commercials. You should really check it out ;-)

But let's back to to your regularly scheduled jaded viewer programming.

Commercial hunting got me thinking about the scariest commercials I had seen as I was a kid and what popped into my head were those wickedly haunting Time Life books commercials dealing with the "Mysteries of the Unknown".

You remember them don't you?

I remember my friend giving me 3 of those books and I read it cover to cover. I mean all these concepts were so new to me and I dug the unexplained phenomenon and ate it up. It was perfect timing that The X Files debuted and I was so hooked. I currently even have a "I Want to Believe" poster hanging up in my home and it all stems from those books.

I watch those commercials again and I still get chills. Dismissed as coincidence? How do you explain that? I really don't know!!!

So let's go into the wayback time machine and check out the spookiest commercials from the pre-Internet age.








This one stars a young Julianne Moore!



And finally we have Time Life Horror Books starting with Wizards and Witches. I'm getting chills.



So how's that for some nostalgia? Jeff @ Dinner with Max Jenke also had some thoughts on these commercials too. So who remembers these creepy late night commercials?

Categories: book review, jadedviewer, the jaded viewer, time life books, Top Terrifying Supernatural Moments, ufos